Flight of the Conchords s01e09 Episode Script

Okay, band meeting.
- Murray, present.
Bret, present.
- Mm-hmm.
Jemaine, present.
All right, I haven't got time for your time wasting.
Today I've got to move fast.
We've got some really good news.
We've got our biggest gig ever.
Is it the Grand Canyon one? No, there's no gigs at the Grand Canyon.
Wouldn't have to be that big to be our biggest gig ever.
Okay, enough guesses.
I'm gonna tell you.
- You ready? - Mm-hmm.
Ah Central Park.
- Central Park? - Yes.
- Really? - Confirmed this morning.
- Headlining.
- Headlining at Central Park? - Yes.
- Us? - Yes.
- Me and Bret? - Yes! - Bret as well? Yes, the two of you.
As as you are, okay? I mean, you've got to be on the top of your game, which is why I've booked us into a warm-up tour.
Here's your itineraries.
Murray, you said we couldn't afford to go on tour.
Well, I've said a lot of things in my time, Bret.
Not all of it's worth listening to, but let's just say this time around, it is.
I've dipped into the Flight of the Conchords emergency fund.
What emergency fund? Well, I'm not really at liberty to say, but okay? - Where'd you get that from, Murray? - Don't worry about it.
- Well, whose money is it? - I'm not at liberty to say.
Just, don't worry about it.
Murray, have you organized a tour before? Yes, of course I have.
What do you think this is? Was it a band tour? A rugby tour I've organized.
Same thing.
- Not really.
- Yes.
Players play the game, you guys play the guitar.
Don't they? They kick the ball, you kick the jams.
So we have to get up at 7:00 in the morning and do 200 squat-thrusts? Oh no, some of these won't, um, apply to you.
Just look for the ones I've I've crossed out there, and I've put red pen.
Look for the red pen instructions.
How big's the bus gonna be? The tour bus? This is the tour bus, Jemaine.
This isn't a tour bus.
It says here we're gonna have a tour bus.
No, that's the rugby itinerary, isn't it? All right, there's only two of you.
You're not a big rugby team, you don't need a bus.
Oh, I thought we were getting a tour bus.
No, that's the rugby itinerary, Bret.
All right? You can see there I've crossed out "bus," haven't I? Yeah, you crossed out "bus," and you wrote "bus.
" Yeah, I got confused there.
I didn't know what to do.
"Honda Accord" was too big to fit in the gap there, so I put "bus" back in.
I knew as soon as I wrote it, there'd be some sort of controversy.
Let me tell you a little secret, Bret.
You'll like this.
Sometimes late at night when I'm driving alone, I imagine this is a bus.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Is that a bit silly, is it, Bret? - No, that's cool.
- Is it? - Mmm.
- I thought you'd like that.
- So you're the bus driver? - Yeah.
That's cool.
Oh.
- Shelly.
- Oh, how's Shelly? I thought you were separated.
No, we're back together, remember? You asked me why I was crying.
I said it was the happiest day of my life.
You don't remember that? Mmm, no.
Hey, sweetheart.
How are you? What? Uh, no, it was an emergency.
Look, it's a temporary withdrawal from the checking fund, all right? The savings should be okay.
Right.
No, yeah, okay, so I I transferred most of the savings into the checking account.
But look, it's just temporary, all right? We'll get it back.
Don't worry.
We'II we will.
We will get it back.
We'll get it back, okay? We will! Say hi from me.
What? No.
Look, Shelly, those two effing idiots are good friends of mine, okay? And no, they're not it's nothing to do with them, okay? I'm not even managing them anymore.
Look, I've got to go.
Bret says hi.
I mean, ages ago when I last saw him.
All right? All right, bye-bye.
Is everything all right, Murray? Absolutely, yeah.
That reminds me Jemaine? Jemaine? Are your immigration papers up to date? Well, that's your job to check our immigration papers.
- I don't know.
- Yeah, right, well anyway I'm just wondering 'cause there's been a car tailing us for the last hour.
It's probably Mel stalking us.
Well, hey, guys! What a coincidence! Ha ha! Hey, Mel.
What time do we take off? - What do you mean? - What time's our flight? We're not flying anywhere.
Why are we at an airport? That's where the gig is, Jemaine.
- It's at the airport.
- At the airport? Yeah, well here, at the hotel in the lounge.
Come on, it's time for the gig.
Let's go.
# Who likes to rock the party? # # We like to rock the party # Um, well thank you very much, um, to the La Guardia Hotel lobby - um - Shut up, Bret.
Uh, thank you for having us.
It's been a real treat.
And thank you just for being here Don't don't do your embarrassing speeches.
We're Flight of the Conchords, and thank you again.
Thank you.
CDs and T-shirts are for sale at the desk there.
- Well? - Brilliant.
- Yeah? - Yeah, as always.
Really good.
Good speech too, Bret.
- Thanks, it was all right.
- Yeah.
What a night, eh? Well, it's only the middle of the afternoon, though.
- So? You know, it's a hot venue.
- Oh, yeah yeah.
Yeah? This is good.
Listen to the crowd.
There's hardly anyone here.
Yeah, it's subsided now.
A lot of people have gone to get their flights, but it's really good.
Oh, before I forget.
Uh, I've got your per diems, okay? So, here we go.
- Jemaine.
- Oh great.
Yeah.
Bret.
Okay? Off you go.
I'll see you in an hour for dinner.
- Thanks, Murray.
- Have fun.
And the point of a per diem, as I think I made quite clear, is that it's to be spent on food and necessary items, all right? Not leather suits.
It's a total waste of money.
It's necessary for Now you've got no money for food or necessary items.
Perhaps you could give us an advance on tomorrow's per diem? You've spent tomorrow's per diem.
The per diem I gave you for was for the week.
Could I have some of your chips please, Murray? You can have a few of them.
"Per diem" means for the day, though.
See? Well, I don't know Latin.
Well, you should have said"per weekem," - would be the correct term.
- Regardless, Jemaine.
Per diem, per weekem, you don't go spending it on bloody leather suits.
- Don't you? - No.
Can I have some of the chips that you said Bret could have? Bret! - Oh, do you want some of my chips? - Oh, forget it now.
They're yours now.
Hey, Murray, do you want to see what else we got? No, I don't, Bret, actually.
I don't want to see anything you've got there unless it's food or necessary items.
I'm so livid with you turkeys.
You're like a couple of cool-Iooking idiots.
We'll get it back.
We will get it back, all right? Just call me tomorrow, but don't call me at work.
Do not call me at work, all right? I don't want them asking silly questions as to why I'm not at work, okay? It's just gonna get like hello? Hello? Okay, love you too! Bye-bye! - Hey, Bret.
- That Shelly? Yeah yeah.
- She good? - Yeah, it's all good.
Jemaine said you wanted to have a meeting? Um, nothing's scheduled.
Is it about leather suits? I don't blame you for the leather suits, Bret.
- That's a classic rock 'n' roll move.
- Thank you.
- Really good.
- Thanks.
Which is why I know Jemaine came up with it.
- No.
- Yeah.
You must have followed him, did you? What, don't you think I'm capable of a classic rock 'n' roll move? No, you're not like that.
That's Jemaine all over it.
That reminds me, just, you know, keep an eye on Jemaine, okay? We're on tour now.
Brings out the crazier side of someone like him.
- Okay.
- Okay, just watch him.
All right, well he's having a sleep.
- Oh, is he? - Yeah.
Probably not his bed, though? Eh? - Yes, his bed.
- Is it? - Yeah.
- He'd be lying on top of it, though.
He won't be won't be in it.
He'll be on top No, he's tucked in.
It's boring.
- Oh, is he? - Yeah.
Probably, uh, he's having a rest.
Getting ready for tonight.
He was watching TV.
He wanted to see what the weather was gonna be like.
Oh, wow.
Probably looking for some thunderstorms to rock out in.
You watch him, all right? Oh, it's hilarious.
Oh, you've got to see this, Bret, it's so so funny.
What's happening? Uh, well the guys with the suits are putting on this big show now, and everyone's just loving it.
No, don't move it, don't move it.
Gotta be in exactly the right place.
It's your turn to hold it, man.
My arms are sore.
I can't hold it.
I'm in the middle of a movie.
This is a critical point.
Aw.
You ruined the reception.
Do you want anything from the minibar? - No.
- No? We're not allowed stuff from the minibar.
- Yeah, I know, but - Do not get anything from the minibar.
- Just getting some nuts - Don't get anything.
I'll just get some mixed nuts.
It's all right.
I've already taken Oh! Oh! Room fee, check.
Lodging tax, check.
Well, somebody had a bit of fun last night, didn't they, Jemaine? - What? - $8 can of mixed nuts.
They must have been pretty good.
Got so much buzz out of them that you chucked a television out the window.
- Actually, Murray, that was me.
- Don't cover for him, Bret.
I know how rock 'n' roll he thinks he is Mr.
Keith Moon.
- It wasn't Jemaine, it was me.
- Really? - Yes.
- I see what you're doing.
You're watching Jemaine with his rock 'n' roll moves, buying the leather suits, getting the mixed nuts, jumping on the bed.
And you thought, "Oh, how can I equal this?" - Is that what it is? - No.
Would you like some mixed nuts? Have you got any cashews in there? - No, I picked them out.
- Typical.
One, two, check.
Check.
Hi, I'm Murray Hewitt from Murray Hewitt Productions.
- Hi, Murray.
- I've got Flight of the Conchords.
We're just on a warm-up tour.
Really looking forward to doing a gig here tonight.
These are the guys that destroyed all that equipment the other night - in Passaic! - Yeah.
Yeah, um I paid it back! We reimb Guys, I just need a moment alone, all right? Hey, has your suit snugged up a little bit? In certain areas, yes.
And in other areas, also yes.
Hey, I was wondering if you guys could settle a bet for me? What sort of bet? Are you guys in a band? Yes.
Is it that obvious? I knew it, I totally knew it.
They are! See? 'Cause the the second I saw the cool leather suits, I just knew it.
They're a dead giveaway, aren't they? Just - Totally.
- Mmm.
Becky thought you guys were probably just a couple of magicians, and Kathy, Lisa, Tawny and Tracy thought you were probably just a couple of gays.
Looks like Becky and Kathy were wrong.
And Lisa and Tawny and Tracy what was it? You guys want to join us for some drinks or something? Uh, we just got two fresh waters, so We'd be delighted.
Hey, why are you all dressed the same? - Are you guys a band? - Are you sexy nurses? What? No, we're the North Jersey University Women's Water Polo team.
N-J-U-W-W-P-T! Whoo! All right, come on, then.
Do you guys have water polo in New Zealand? Do we? Pfft.
- Do we? - Yeah, it's everyone plays it.
- It's our national sport.
- Yeah, it's our national sport.
- Every single person plays it, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Bret's mom plays it.
- Really? - It's a beautiful game.
- That's perfect.
That is perfect.
I am totally gonna save this autograph for when you guys are huge.
Then I will be able to say that I knew - Bret? - Yeah.
Bret.
- Brit? Brit? - Bret.
Bret.
- Brit.
- Bret.
- Bret! - Yeah yeah.
Sorry.
What what's your last name? Bret.
Bret Bret? No, just joking.
It's McKenzie.
- Oh! - Just joking.
He's got a great sense of humor.
Don't joke, please.
- Yeah, sorry about that.
- Don't joke, Bret - Sorry, I shouldn't have it's confusing when you joke.
- That's my name, that's - I love your accent.
- Thank you.
- I have the same.
Say, "Throw another shrimp on the barbie.
" Oh, that's that's an Australian saying.
New Zealand Throw another shrimp on the barbie.
Crikey! Wha! What do you guys say we take this party upstairs? Ho.
I'd say yes.
Uh well, what room are you guys in? - Um, 12 - 1206.
- 1206.
- 12-zero-6.
Write it down, Bret.
- 1206 - Be be tidy about it.
I like your "2.
" It's nice.
So what is water polo? It's like polo but in the water.
On sea horses? No, just swimming.
Oh, okay.
Beautiful swimming ladies.
Yeah, swimming in the water, - beautiful ladies.
- Wow.
Like mermaids.
Yes.
Like mermaids.
# Mermaids # # Mermaid # # Mermaid # # Mermaid # - # Mermaid # - # Mermaid # - # Mermaid # - # Mermaid # # Mermaid, mermaid # - # Mermaid # - # Mermaid # # Mermaid murmur # # Into my ear # # The answers to questions # # I'm longing to hear # # Does it relax you to hear the sound of the land? # # Do you, oh mermaid, have slightly webbed hands? # - Eww.
- # Ahh # # Is it normal for a guy to wear SCUBA apparatus # - # When he makes love in the sea? # - # Make love to me # # Would it be weird for you # # If I touch your fishy half? I know it would be for me # # Do you have mermaid parties # - # Beneath the sea? # - # Am I invited? # # At these mermaid parties, do you smoke seaweed? # # If so, then how do you light it? # # Are you the answer to a drunken sailor's Ionely wish? # # Wish wish wish wish # # Or are you an optical illusion caused by # # A woman sitting on a rock holding half a fish? # # Half a sexy fish.
# What's the time? It's 4:35.
Mmm.
You did tell them room 1206, right? Yeah, you were there.
I wrote it down.
Ah.
Hmm.
Bret, do you think maybe they're not coming, maybe? - What? - Well we've been waiting for five hours.
Hmm, maybe.
Do you feel like a sparkling water? Yeah, I'd love one.
I wanted one three hours ago, but you said Murray wouldn't let us.
Hang on a minute.
Murray? - What? - Are you sleeping? Oh, I was, Bret.
Trying to, anyway.
- You comfortable? - No.
- How's your party? - Mmm, it's all right.
It's just Jemaine and me.
The girls didn't show up.
Aw.
Never mind, eh? Jemaine and I were wondering if we could have a sparkling water.
- No.
- We really need it.
- No! - Please? - Not from the minibar.
- Please.
- No.
- Please.
Look, just pour some tap water and blow some bubbles in it.
Mmm, it's not the same.
Come on, I want to come out there.
Mmm, well the girls still might show up.
Okay.
- Good night.
- Night night.
Okay, hang on a minute, guys.
I haven't settled the bill yet.
Just a few questions.
We didn't have anything from the minibar.
No, I can see that, Bret.
"Minibar charge, 0.
00.
" Right here after "Drinks charged to the room from hotel bar, $352.
" How much was that water? - The water was free.
- Hang on, mates! Someone wants me to move my car.
- Band meeting! I'm just - Waters were about $175.
I'm doing a - Here we are, two waters.
- Is that your signature? - Mmm? - Right there? Oh no, that's my autograph.
Yup, same that's what a signature is.
Okay, and there's the room number.
- Uh - Oh is that Hang on, mate! - Okay.
- Look, do us a favor and move the car.
- Go on, quickly.
- Oh, that's Go! Move the car.
This is your doing, isn't it, Rod Stewart? - You can tell.
- It wasn't me, actually.
The dead giveaway.
Look at all that money.
It was a women's water polo team.
Okay, right, that makes sense.
I'll tell them that.
"Yeah, sorry, it was polo players.
" Must happen all the time, does it? Well, I doubt if they're gonna listen to you.
Is this a joke, Jemaine? - No.
- A big joke? $352 water polo joke? - No.
- Let me just go and fix it, shall I? Give me the keys.
Oh, they're in the car.
Idiot.
- Um, did you put the hand brake on? - Is it Oh, flub.
I just don't understand what happened.
I put the hand brake on.
Well that's what happened.
The Amer on American cars, the hand brake's on this side.
Oh, I must have just adjusted the seat.
Oh, very rock 'n' roll, Bret.
More rock 'n' roll than Jemaine.
That's what you were going for, wasn't it? Well, well done.
Mission accomplished.
First Jemaine with the mixed nuts, then the TV.
And finally, Bret, you drive my Honda into the pool! Personally, I prefer the mixed nuts caper.
- At least that was original.
- Thank you.
Murray, I didn't actually mean to put your car into the swimming pool.
I didn't I didn't mean to buy those nuts.
Well, I didn't mean to put all my efforts into looking after a couple of leather-clad lunatics who don't give a damn about anyone but themselves.
That's my mistake.
Well, we all we've all made a mistake each, so it sort of evens out.
No! Okay, guys? Look, the strategic union of Flight of the Conchords and Murray Hewitt Productions is terminated.
- What are you talking about? - What? You know what I'm talking about.
I'm quitting! You can't quit the band.
Bret usually quits the band.
Well, this is my turn, okay? I've had it with you guys! I'm so angry I feel like swearing.
Oh Murray, you wouldn't swear at us.
Go fuck yourself, Bret! N-J-U-W-W-P-T! Whoo! Whoo! Do you have any money for a bus? No, do you? No, none.
I guess there's no choice, really.
So, uh, have you and Mel been following us through this whole during this whole tour tour, Doug? Uh, it seems like it.
Mel's in charge of the itinerary.
She said she just wanted to get away on a road trip, get away from it all.
That him? Uh, no that's just some homeless guy.
Oh no, that is him! Slow down, Doug.
We're very sorry, Murray.
I'm not talking to you guys.
Just give this to him.
Bret says just give this to you.
Oh, what's that? A bag of stolen clock radios from the hotels we stayed at? - No.
- Tell him to look inside.
Bret says, "Just tell him to look in it.
" - Oh, wow.
- Whoa.
- Huh? - It's a little big.
But get it wet and it snugs up, it'll shrink shrink to fit.
Yeah, I can't even get mine off.
You know, I've I've done a lot of thinking that last 40 minutes when I was walking along the side of the road like a bum.
I kind of realized I'm not a very good manager.
Ah.
So? I mean, that's not true.
Thanks, Jemaine.
But it is.
There there.
There there there there there there.
Friends again? Back in the band? If you'll have me.
We will.
We do.
What about you, Jemaine? Will you have me? Yeah.
Yeah.
Yup.
- What's - Then you put your - Potato? - You - One potato, two - No, just leave it.
Come on, we've got a gig.
We've got a gig to get to.
Let's go! Did you miss me? - Little bit.
- Little bit, eh? Yeah.
- Jemaine? - What? - Miss me? - Oh This isn't Central Park.
Yes it is.
It's a central park.
It's not Central Park, though.
But it is a central park.
But you said Central Park, New York.
I said a central park in Newark - New Jersey.
- You did? - No, you didn't.
You didn't.
- Yes, I said, "A central park - in Newark.
" - So you were tricking us.
No.
Well, look.
If I'd have said it was a central park in Newark, - you wouldn't have done the gig.
- Yes, we would have.
Well, what are you worried about, then? Hello, Shelly? Oh look, I can't actually talk right now.
Why? Because I'm in the middle of doing something.
Managing a band, actually, a little band called Flight of the Conchords.
Yeah yeah.
'Cause that's what I do, all right? Got it? Good.
Sorry, Shel, I didn't mean to oh, yes, sir.
Yes.
Yes.
Listen, um, the reason I haven't been at work all week is, uh well, it's funny really.
I tripped over, and both of my leg uh, muscles have well, they contracted and I didn't know what no.
No.
I don't manage a band.
It has nothing to do with a band.
Honestly, it's my legs.
I think I've broken a piece of them.
Yes.
No, there's nothing going on in the background.
Okay.
Yes.
I'll be in first thing.