Friends s01e09 Episode Script

Terry, I know I haven't worked here very long but would it be possible if I got a $1 00 advance on my salary? An advance? So I can spend Thanksgiving with my family.
Every year we ski in Vail, and my father pays for my ticket.
But I've started this independent thing which is actually why I took this "job.
" Rachel, Rachel, sweetheart! You' re a terrible, terrible waitress.
Really, really awful.
I hear what you're saying.
I'm with you.
But I'm trying really hard, and I think I'm doing better.
I really do.
-Does anybody need coffee? -Yeah, over here.
Look at that.
The One Where Underdog Gets Away Excuse me, sir? Hi.
You come in here all the time.
Do you think there's a possibility that you could advance me my tips? Okay, okay.
That's fine.
Fine.
Sorry about that spill before! Only 98.
50 to go! Did you know Mom and Dad are going to Puerto Rico for Thanksgiving? -What? No, they're not.
-Yes, the Blymans invited them.
You' re wrong.
-I am not wrong.
-You' re wrong.
No, I just talked to them.
I' m calling Mom.
-Hey, hey.
-Hey! And this from the Cry for Help Department: Are you wearing makeup? Yes, I am.
As of today, I'm officially Joey T ribbiani, actor/model.
That's funny.
I was thinking you look more like, Joey T ribbiani, man/woman.
-What were you modeling for? -Posters for the free clinic.
So you' re gonna be one of those healthy guys? -The asthma guy's really cute.
-Know which one you'll be? No, but I hear Lyme disease is open, so you know.
-Good luck, man.
I hope you get it.
-Thanks.
You were right.
How can they do this? It's Thanksgiving! What if I cook dinner at my place? I'll make it just like Mom's.
Will you make mashed potatoes with the lumps? They're not actually supposed to I'll work on the lumps.
-Joey, you' re going home? -Yeah.
Chandler, you' re still boycotting all the pilgrim holidays? We're celebrating Thanksgiving in December because he's lunar.
So you're free Thursday then? -Yeah.
Oh, can I come? -Yeah.
-Rach, are you gonna make it to Vail? -Absolutely.
Shoop, shoop, shoop.
-Only $1 02 to go.
-I thought it was 98.
50? Yeah, well, it was, but l I broke a cup, so.
-Well, l' m off to Carol's.
-Ooh, ooh, why don't we invite her? Ooh, ooh, because she's my ex-wife and will want to bring her ooh, ooh, lesbian life partner.
Hi.
Is Carol here? -No, she's at a faculty meeting.
-I just came by to pick up my skull.
Well, not mine, but.
-Come in.
-Thanks.
Carol borrowed it, and I have to get it back to the museum.
-What's it look like? -Kind of like a big face without skin.
Yes.
I'm familiar with the concept.
-We can just look for it.
-Okay.
Wow, you guys sure have a lot of books about being a lesbian.
Well, you know, you have to take a course.
Otherwise they don't let you do it.
Hey, Yertle the Turtle! A classic.
Actually, I'm reading it to the baby.
The baby that hasn't been born yet? Wouldn't that mean you're crazy? You don't think they can hear sounds in there? You' re not serious? I mean, you really talk to it? Yeah, all the time.
I want the baby to know my voice.
Well, that's just Do you talk about me? -Yeah.
All the time.
-Really? But, we just refer to you as " Bobo the Sperm Guy.
" If she's talking to it, I just think I should get some belly time too.
Not that I believe this.
I believe it.
I think the baby can hear everything.
-Really? -I'll show you.
This'll seem weird.
But you put your head inside this turkey and we'll all talk and you'll hear everything we say.
I'd just like to say I'm totally behind this experiment.
In fact, I'd very much like to butter your head.
-Hey.
-Rach, did you make your money? No, not even close.
Forget Vail.
Forget seeing my family.
Forget shoop, shoop, shoop.
-Rach, here's your mail.
-Thanks.
You can put it on the table.
No.
Here's your mail! Thanks.
You can put it on the table! Would you just open it! Oh, my God! You guys are great! We all chipped in.
-We did? -You owe me $20.
Thank you.
Thank you so much! Chandler, got your traditional holiday feast.
T omato soup grilled-cheese fixings and a family-size bag of Funyuns.
This is your Thanksgiving dinner? What is it with you and this holiday? -I'm 9 years old.
-I hate this story! We've finished this magnificent Thanksgiving dinner.
I have a mouthful of pumpkin pie.
And then my parents tell me they're getting divorced.
Oh, my God! Very difficult to enjoy Thanksgiving dinner once you've seen it in reverse.
What's this? I never saw this at Mom's.
-It's a yam.
-Hello.
This isn't a yam.
Yam comes in purple cans.
They don't They don't come in these.
Ross, don't take this the wrong way or anything, but back off.
Hi.
-We used to work together.
-We did? Yeah, at Macy's.
You' re the Obsession girl, right? -Yes.
-I was the Aramis guy.
-Aramis.
Aramis.
Aramis.
-Yeah, right! -You' re the best in the business.
-Get out.
You' re amazing! You know when to spritz.
You know when to lay back.
Really? You don't know what that means to me.
You smell great tonight.
What are you wearing? Nothing.
-Listen, do you wanna go get a drink? -Yeah, that would be -What's wrong? -I have to do something.
What? -Leave.
-Wait, wait, wait! So I guess you all saw it.
-What? -Saw what? No, we' re just laughing.
You know how laughter can be infectious.
Set another place for Thanksgiving.
My entire family thinks I have VD.
"T onight, on a very special Blossom.
" Looking good! Okay! Cider's mulling, turkey's turkeying, yams are yamming.
What? I don't know.
It's just not the same without Mom in the kitchen.
Get out and stop annoying me! Oh, that's closer.
I got the tickets! Five hours from now, shoop, shoop, shoop! -Oh, you must stop shooping.
-Okay, l' m gonna get my stuff.
Will you come in? I prefer to keep a safe distance from all this merriment.
Look out! Incoming pumpkin pie! We laughed when you did it with the stuffing, but that's not funny.
Hey, Monica, I got a question.
I don't see any T ator T ots.
-That's not a question.
-My mom makes them.
It's a tradition.
You get a piece of turkey on your fork, a little cranberry sauce and a T ot! I mean, it's bad enough I can't be with my family because of my disease.
All right.
Fine.
Tonight's potatoes will be mashed, with lumps and in the form of Tots.
All right, I'm off to talk to my unborn child.
Okay, Mom never hit.
Okay, all done.
Phoebe, did you whip the pota? Ross needs lumps! Oh, l' m sorry! I just I thought we could have them whipped and then add some peas and onions.
Why do that? Because then they'd be just like my mom used to make it, before she died.
Okay.
Three kinds of potatoes coming up.
Okay.
Goodbye, you guys! Thanks for everything! Oh, God, look at Sorry! I'm so sorry.
An unbelievable thing happened! Underdog got away! -The balloon? -No, no, the actual cartoon character.
Of course the balloon! He broke free and was spotted flying over Washington Square Park.
-I'm going to the roof.
Who's with me? -I can't! An 80-foot dog over the city? How often does that happen? Almost never.
-Got the keys? -Okay.
Anytime you' re ready.
Okay.
Okay, here we go.
Okay.
Where am I talking to here? There is one way that offers a certain acoustical advantage, but.
Just aim for the bump.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay, here goes.
You know, I can't do this.
This is It's too weird.
I feel stupid.
It's fine.
You don't have to do it just because Susan does it.
Hello, baby.
Hello.
Hello.
the moment we first saw the dog shadow fall over the park! But did they have to shoot him down? That was just mean.
Right now the turkey should be crispy on the outside and juicy on the inside.
Why are we standing here? We're waiting for you to open the door.
You have the keys.
No, I don't.
Yes, you do.
When we left, you said, "Got the keys.
" No, I didn't.
I asked, "Got the keys? " No, no, no.
You said, "Got the keys! " Do either of you have the keys? -The oven is on! -I've gotta get my ticket! -Wait! We have a copy of your key.
-Get it! That tone won't make me go any faster.
-Joey.
-That one will.
And everyone's telling me, "You gotta pick a major.
" So on a dare, I picked paleontology.
And you have no idea what I'm saying, because, face it, you' re a fetus.
You're happy you don't have gills anymore.
You don't have to talk to it.
You can sing Please.
I am not singing to your stomach, okay? How's it going? Here we come Walking down the street Get the funniest looks from Everyone we meet Hey, hey -Hey, did you just feel that? -I did.
-Does it always? -That was the first.
IKeep singing! IKeep singing! Hey, hey, you 're my baby And I can 't wait to meet you When you come out I'll buy you a bagel Then we 'll go to the zoo -lt did it again! -I felt it that time! Hey, hey, I'm your daddy I'm the one without any breasts This is great.
It's 5:00.
My plane is pulling away from the gate.
-Maybe you can take a later flight.
-There is none.
-You can go tomorrow.
-T omorrow is not Thanksgiving! If l' m gonna cheer you up, you have to meet me halfway.
Can you go any faster? I got one keyhole and a zillion keys! You do the math.
Why do you guys have so many keys in there anyway? For an emergency just like this.
All right.
Listen, smirky! If not for your stupid balloon, I'd be on a plane watching a woman do this right now.
But l' m not! You said you had the keys! No, I didn't! I wouldn't say I had the keys unless I had the keys! That's it! Enough with the keys.
No one say keys! Why would I have the keys?! -Aside from the fact you said you did? -I didn't! -You should've.
-Why? -Because! -Why? Everything's my responsibility? Isn't it enough that l' m making dinner? Everyone wants a different kind of potato, so I'm making them.
Does anybody care what kind of potatoes I want? No! No! No! Just as long as Phoebe gets her peas and onions, and Mario gets his T ots It's my first Thanksgiving, and l It's all burnt, and I can't.
Monica, only dogs can hear you now.
Look, the door's open.
Here we go.
-All right, Chandler, don't lose this.
-No Well, the turkey's burnt! Potatoes are ruined! Potatoes are ruined! Potatoes are ruined! Here we come Walking down the This doesn't smell like Mom's.
It doesn't, does it? You wanted lumps? Here you go, buddy.
You got one! -Don't yell at me.
You burned dinner! -Hey, don't make her squeak again! God, this is great! The plane is gone.
I guess I'm stuck here with you guys.
We all had better plans.
This was nobody's first choice! Oh, really? So why was I busting my ass to make this delicious dinner? -You call that delicious? -You be quiet! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Now this feels like Thanksgiving.
Skiing.
Shoop, shoop, shoop.
Shoop.
-Eww.
-What? Ugly Naked Guy's taking his turkey out of the oven.
-Who cares? -He just sat in gravy.
Oh, my God! He's not alone.
Ugly Naked Guy is having Thanksgiving dinner with Ugly Naked Gal.
I gotta see this! All right, Ugly Naked Guy! Ugly naked dancing! It's nice that he has someone.
Shall I carve? -By all means.
-All right.
Who wants light cheese, and who wants dark cheese? I don't even want to know about the dark cheese.
-Does anybody wanna split this? -I will.
-You guys have to make a wish.
-Make a wish? Come on, you know, Thanksgiving.
You got the bigger half! What did you wish for? The bigger half.
All right, I'd like to propose a toast.
A little toast here.
Ding, ding! This isn't the Thanksgiving you planned but for me, this has been really great.
I think because it didn't involve divorce or projectile vomiting.
If you'd gone to Vail or if you had been with your family or if you didn't have syphilis and stuff we wouldn't be together.
I guess what l' m trying to say is that I' m very thankful that all of your Thanksgivings sucked.
-That's so sweet! -Thank you.
-Here's to a lousy Christmas! -And a crappy New Year! -Hear, hear! -Hear, hear!