Friends with Benefits s01e09 Episode Script

Ooh! I am so sorry.
I'm totally blind.
Oh, yeah, me, too.
No, literally, I'm blind.
Oh, my God.
You're really blind.
And really cute.
Oh.
I'm smiling at you right now.
Me, too.
So, we're going out tonight.
If you're blind and you have a limp, do you have to hav like, two canes or, like, one giant master cane? I can top meeting a blind guy.
I met a super hot girl.
This is really fun.
Dating usually feels like work, don't you think? Well, the strange thing is, my work usually feels like dating.
See, I get all dressed up, and then I sit there and try to look interested.
At the end of the day, I bang the copy guy.
I'm telling you, Kat is amazing.
She's funny, she's smart So, you haven't found anything wrong with her yet? Yeah, like different- colored knees? Or ears that are too ear-shaped? Or she says, "the" outer space? Okay, I get it.
I've had some pretty bad luck with the ladies lately, but you know, I think this one's different.
Yeah.
Okay, sure.
That's funny.
Why is everyone laughing? What? There's nothing wrong with her? No.
Really? Nothing at all? Nothing.
Come on, man, there's not a single thing about this girl that bothers you? No, I swear.
What's wrong with her? The hat.
Damn.
I hate you.
You know what? It was one time.
I bet it was like her, her fun first-date hat.
There's no way she's gonna be wearing a hat next time I see her.
Keep your eye on the ball.
Maybe you want to put your hat back or Yeah, 'cause your hat is in the way, so you might want to Eye on the ball-- just with the hat I just met the most gorgeous girl, lives in the building.
Okay, she's not, like, a girl.
She's, like, a woman.
Kind of an older woman.
Old-good.
Old like my car, not old like your car.
If your car is so cool, why can't it play cassette tapes? Anyways, so the thing is, I keep running into her, right? But I don't know if it's, like, our generational difference that we've got going on or maybe it's the issues that I have with my mother, but I think she might be flirting with me.
Oh, have you tried that new tapas place? Small plates, great for sharing.
Oh, The New Yorker.
Cute and smart.
Are you gonna ask me out or what? What do you think, man? Do you think I have a shot? Oh.
Hello? Hey, Aaron, it's Claire.
What are you doing for lunch today? Uh, yeah, let me just finish rerouting this bleep blork and I'll be right down.
Man, my voice is, like, 30 times deeper than that.
Hey Fitz! go get it.
Ugh! It's so annoying.
I mean, how many hats does she have? Does she change them out or does she stack them up like PEZ? You know, you take one off and one pops right up? You know who wouldn't break up with a girl over her hat? Matthew McConaughey.
Yes, but also Todd.
Riley, will you please tell Sara she's not better than me because she's dating a blind guy? How are things with Todd, by the way? Things are great.
I'm just working out that whole "things you say to a blind guy" issue.
What a beautiful day.
The sky is so blue.
Yeah, I don't know what blue is, but I've heard good things.
Oh, God, right.
Well, you look really handsome today.
Thank you.
How do I look? It must be weird to be with a guy who can never tell you you're pretty.
Or to play Frisbee with.
I don't need a guy to tell me I look pretty.
Do I? Oh, my God, he's never gonna tell me I look pretty.
See? You're the shallow one.
Oh, you're the one that's gonna break up with a girl over her hat.
Oh, well, maybe I won't break up with her.
Yeah, maybe we'll have a long and happy relationship just to prove a point, huh? Not so shallow now, am I? Good luck with that! Thanks.
Are you guys just competitive because you're sleeping together or are you both really childish? Oh, I'm not childish and I'm not shallow.
By the way, your butt looks hot in those jeans.
Oh, thank you.
I got them on sale at Shut up.
Look at her eyes, boobs if you have to.
Pretend she doesn't even have the top of her head.
Ugh, that's gross, but you get it.
If you're going outside tonight, REPORTER: prepare yourselves for record-breaking gale force winds! This is the worst Chicago has seen in a decade, folks.
Paul, back to you in the studio.
Oh, great, another hat.
All right, don't panic.
Just keep hat together.
"Keep hat together"? Come on, focus! Hat.
Stop hat! Hat-hat-hat-hat-hat-hat-hat! Hey, Kat.
Oh, my God, she's Kat in the hat, like that Mike Myers movie.
This is the windiest day ever.
Maybe we should grab a cab.
No, let's walk.
Enjoy life, huh? Oh! It's all right.
This is fun.
Oh, come on! Is that hat stapled on? Hang on.
Oh! Wow, you're really good at this.
Thank you.
You know, you learn to rely on your other senses.
Oh! Okay, uh, why don't we sit down? I really like your shirt.
Thanks.
I'm wearing a dress myself.
Are you? That's awesome.
Oh, hey, so, I finally got around to reading that book.
The Corrections? Oh, what am I doing? I'm practically flashing nip for a blind guy.
He can't see me, but I hate that he can't see me.
Oh, my God, I want him to say I'm pretty.
Stop, Sara.
That's pretty pretty.
I mean, pretty shallow.
Pretty.
Pretty-pretty-pretty.
What did you think about The Corrections? I thought it was pretty good.
I mean, I'm pretty happy with the way it turned out.
Cool.
So, how was your date with Kat? Oh, it was great.
You know, I'm really starting to love those hats.
They're so decorative.
She's great.
Great.
Glad to hear it.
How was your date with blind Todd? Oh, great.
I love not hearing "You're so pretty" all the time.
Yeah, right.
You would love for me to say "hat" right now.
Say "pretty" right now? What? What? This was the best date ever.
Oh.
Why are you saying "was" like it's over? Just wanted you to know that, you know, in case I suddenly die.
I don't know.
You're a dark dude.
I like that.
Do you want a drink? Why don't we have a drink after? After what? After this.
Oh! Mmm! You really know your way around a mouth.
Mmm Am I the oldest woman you've ever slept with? Ask me again in four minutes.
Oh.
Hey, what's up, playboy? Did I hear some shrieks of ecstasy coming from your bedroom last night? Hey, hey, hey.
Not in front of company.
Besides, she was making noise, too.
Aaron, this is Hope.
She just moved into the building.
Hey, nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, too.
Congratulations on getting lucky with Mom? Hope.
So, Claire, you are Hope's mother.
Yeah.
Which makes you Claire's daughter.
Uh-huh.
That means you're her mom.
Well, if I'm reading the room correctly, I think it is time for the four of us to step outside to the hot tub and have some mimosas.
Aaron, why don't you call me later, okay? Yeah, I should probably get to work.
Oh, okay.
Bye.
Okay.
Really? Again?! Don't-don't start.
Wow, I don't know where to begin.
Well, you can begin by putting in a good word for your ol' buddy Fitz here.
No.
No, no.
Hey, come on, man.
Hey, if I get a solid mom recommend, I'll be opening Hope's chest by the end of the week.
I totally vouch for you as a friend, okay? But in this particular scenario, I gotta say What do you gotta say? Well, I don't think that No, man, finish your thought.
Okay, I'm trying.
I don't think See, you can't even spit it out.
I'll say it for you.
You think I'm a dog.
You think I treat women shabbily.
Your AIM name is "Shabby the Dog.
" That's got nothing to do with that, man.
That is a personal inside joke between me and this chick I nailed and never called back.
Fitz, it's been a long time since I met a woman that I really like, okay? I don't want to mess it up.
All right.
Cool, man.
If you don't want to vouch for your ol' buddy Fitz, just say the word.
I don't want to vouch for you.
Man, come on, man! Look, Aaron, we're either friends or we are not friends, okay? You cannot pick and choose the moments.
I will vouch for you.
But if you mess this up for me, if you sabotage Hey, man, who are you texting? Nobody.
"on your giant breasts.
" Oh, man, that's my cousin.
Well, play cousin, but It's something we do.
I broke the garbage disposal so I've been using the toilet instead.
And I thought to myself, "Why do people even have garbage disposals when they have a toilet?" Also, the toilet's broken.
Looking good, ladies.
Just ignore them.
God, don't you hate every time you walk by Oop.
Sara? I dropped my lipstick.
That's a beautiful backyard you got there, lady.
Guys, stop.
Sara, ew.
Okay, fine.
Look, since I've been dating Todd, I've missed being told I'm pretty.
So I came up with a plan.
I'm gonna get appreciation for the inner me from Todd, and I'll get appreciation for the outer me from random strangers with sight.
I've given this a lot of thought and there's only one solution: I need you to steal Kat's hats.
What, like, break into her house? If you can lure the hats out of the house, that works, too.
Why can't you just overlook the hats? I mean, I once dated a guy with no arms and no legs.
I had to take him to dinner in a backpack.
What?! If I stay with her, what's our life gonna look like? You can do it, baby.
Just push.
Push.
Okay, here it comes.
One time I was dating this drummer, Spider, and he always wore these leather pants.
I hated them.
So, I set them on fire, and his garage burned down.
As I was looking through the wreckage for his cat, it crossed my mind: I should've just told him I didn't like the pants.
Hindsight, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, so I should just tell her? Tell who? Whoa.
Oh! That was Huh? That was really good.
I'm glad you're pleased.
Listen, so, my roommate Fitz, he really likes your daughter.
And I just wanted to put a good word in there for him.
Oh.
So, done.
Well, I'm glad you brought this up because any potential boyfriend in our family has to meet The Barometer.
The Barometer? That sounds like a superhero.
I want to meet The Barometer.
The Barometer's my mom Hazel.
In fact, Hope and I are having dinner with her tonight.
Why don't you and Fitz come by, see if you pass the test? Tests? Mm-hmm.
Very good at tests.
Extra credit? 'Cause I'm gonna be all over that.
Really? Uh-huh.
And I'm horny again.
Oop.
Hey.
Don't you have a date with Todd tonight? I do.
Shouldn't you be getting ready? Oh, I am ready.
Okay, 'cause you don't look good.
I've come to a realization.
I have been acting shallow.
Todd is never gonna tell me I look pretty, and that's okay.
He's liberated me.
I'm gonna stop caring about how I look on the outside and focus on the inner me.
So no lipstick, nothing? No.
This is the real me.
No makeup, no pretense, no apologies.
Mmm.
He's here.
Ask Todd if he has any blind friends; I haven't had time to get my brows done.
Hi.
Hey.
Hey, you ready? Yeah.
This veal parmesan is awesome.
I gotta tell you something I know-- veal is baby cows.
Wow, it is? Hmm.
Look, I used to be a different kind of guy.
And that guy wouldn't have said what I'm about to say.
He would've disappeared, and if you were to call him, he would have answered the phone in a fake Polish accent.
But I've grown, you know? Or I'm trying to.
So I just gotta tell you: Um, I need you to take off the hat.
What? You're beautiful and great, and I know it's crazy, but I just find it a little distracting, whether it's my fault or the hat's fault Let's just say it's the hat's fault.
It's just I've always been self-conscious.
There's something about my forehead that It's a forehead.
you know? Let it breathe.
Live your life.
How bad could it be? Okay.
So, is it okay? Okay? It's fantastic.
Birthmark-birthmark-birthmark! I always took you for granted, hat.
So, my grandfather, who was only a cook, now, stayed on his machine gun until each and ever every one of his buddies made it back to the tree line.
Oh, that's amazing.
Yeah.
He got the Silver Star for that, too.
Oh, my God.
Wow.
Isn't that wonderful? And then he was part of the army that helped liberate Paris.
No! What? Yes, he did.
Though I think he was more there to liberate the Parisian women, if you know what I mean.
This is too much.
Well, Julian, you certainly come from a line of great men.
Mmm, and women.
Now let's not forget about the women.
All the great men in my family had a strong woman beside 'em.
My mom even has one.
Well, here's to the women.
Hear, hear.
You're doing great.
I am loving your grandmother.
I think she loves you, too.
Fitz is crushing it.
I think he's gonna get the highest Barometer score ever.
How am I doing? Am I doing okay? My Google story got weird, didn't it? Don't worry about it.
You know what? I think at this point any friend of Fitz's is a friend of hers.
Okay, but don't forget, I vouched for him.
I know, I got it.
He's my vouch.
I've really been looking forward to this.
You won't be disappointed.
I can't tell you how liberating it is to be with a man who I feel comfortable not wearing a hat around.
Yeah, totally.
Okay, I can do this.
97% percent of her body is 100% great.
I've really grown.
I'm not distracted by anything.
Hello, Ben.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
This is so liberating.
I mean, it's so comfortable.
For the first time in my life I feel like I don't even have to try.
Get off.
You know what? This isn't working for me.
I've dated your kind before, and I refuse to do it again.
My kind? You're a Braille banger.
Yeah, you're tired of guys judging you on your appearance, so you find ol' Captain Blindy here and you start mailing it in.
Mailing it? Who's mailing it? How do you know I'm mailing it? I could hear the whoosh-whoosh of-of your sweats as you walked by.
I don't smell any makeup.
I mean, not even the faintest whiff of shampoo.
And seriously? You don't even have a plan for your hair.
Look, just because I can't see you doesn't mean I want other people to think I'm walking around with some pathetic schlub, alright? Schlub?! Yeah, you're like a dirty giraffe.
What?! And what's with that grandma's bra? Who wears those? This bra is comfortable and it offers me support.
Look, I thought you were different.
I thought you liked me for my insides.
Oh, so blind people aren't allowed to be shallow? What are you, a bigot? No, I'm You're mean.
And that's a closet.
French kissing.
Fancy.
Mmm.
How 'bout, how 'bout some mood lighting, huh? There we go.
Smooth.
Ooh, and some music.
Got any Springsteen? Shut up! I've been under hats for ten years.
What have I missed? How did President Gore do? I've never been with a man before.
I'm out.
What's the matter? Look, I used to be a different kind of guy.
Oh, no It's just that it turns out that the new Ben is much worse than the old Ben.
You should not have to date me.
However, I will leave you with this one parting thought: they're doing amazing things with plastic surgery nowadays.
Well, this has been lovely.
No, wait.
I'm sorry.
I'm trying to be honest.
Hey, count yourself lucky.
My ugliness is inside, yours can be removed! Hey, Hope.
Hi, Aaron.
Mom? Hi, Claire.
Oh.
What are the chances you'd both want water at the same time? Oh, my God.
Dude.
Hey, man, she texted me after dinner.
We had a good little vibe going.
What am I supposed to do? Mom, how could you sleep with A younger man? No, that's not what I meant.
Fitz, you should be ashamed of yourself.
I mean, God, this is disgusting.
I beg your pardon.
I don't mean you're disgusting, Mom.
I mean, this whole thing This is nasty.
Yes, it was.
You have no idea.
Mmm Aaron, how could you vouch for him? What? I-I This is a really lowlife thing to do.
You know what? Actually, I do vouch for him.
Yeah, Fitz is a really good guy, and his girlfriend's grandmother is lucky to be with him.
How can you even say that? Because Fitz is who he is, and you can either be friends with someone or you cannot be friends with him, but you can't pick and choose the moments.
And you shouldn't judge people for who they are.
You're a little bit older than me.
I don't judge you.
That's cool.
Fitz happens to be a guy who's gonna sleep with your mom.
That's who he is.
Okay, you know what? You're right.
Maybe I shouldn't judge.
Okay, that's cool.
Okay, that being said, I don't think I could date someone whose roommate had sex with my mom.
Well, okay, would you rather that he had sex with your daughter? 'Cause Oh, well, you have very nice friends, Julian.
Thank you.
Mmm mmm Right here.
Right here, guys.
Hey, man, uh, look, I'm sorry if I messed up your thing.
It's cool.
It was mostly sexual anyways.
She gets that from me.
You get up to that bedroom, girl.
Mmm! And vodka.
You have a great forehead.
Sometimes I think hanging around you makes me more shallow.
What? No, we're all shallow.
Nelson Mandela isn't shallow.
Are you kidding? His wife's totally hot.
He's not slumming it with some B-team chick.
You know what the one good thing about you is? What? I can show you my ugly side, and you don't judge me.
I like that.
You know the one good thing about you? Your boobs.
Oh.
Ow! You're an idiot.
I know.
No, but I like when you don't judge me, too.
Are we awful people? You are.
I might just be pathetic.
Is it really so bad that I want men to think I'm good-looking? Of course not.
I mean, sometimes you just want to be told that you're pretty.
Exactly.
Tell me I'm pretty, damn it! You're pretty.
Geez.
Aw.
That's so sweet of you to say.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Pretty.
Pretty stupid.
So who's this girl you're looking to set me up with? Well, she dated a friend of mine, but she's single now.
She's smart, she's fun, she's got a great personality Blah, blah, blah, with the personality.
How's she look? Super cute.
Let's be more specific.
I want to rate her on a scale of one to ten: ass, body, and then face.
Wow.
I'm not comfortable doing that.
What are you, a bigot? Oh, my God.
There she is.
What the heck?! Wait, you didn't answer any of my questions.
I don't want to be banging some girl who looks like Precious.