Funland (2005) s01e09 Episode Script

1 Just tell us what we want to know, Carter.
CARTER: Who's behind all this? A big noise with a c-c-cruel streak.
KEN: What about Bridewell? VAN KNECK: The dark powers in this town are gathering.
I've seen your family.
It's a fuck-up.
Your mother, too.
She's, yeah, sweet.
Suzie Locking.
You remember her.
You're a nice girl, but you're not for me.
You told Shirley Woolf I'd go to the police.
Wait, I'll come with you.
That's Mum's amp.
It was Mercy.
You have to kill her now.
- No, but you're involved, I know you are.
- That wasn't me.
Bridewell's behind the whole thing.
(Crashing) Take the kids to the Shangri-la.
Keep your head down.
Be careful.
No prints.
No witnesses.
And make sure she's stopped breathing when you leave.
(Gypsy Woman by Don Williams playing) Here you go.
Lately she's got these ideas in her head.
Unrealistic fantasies.
She wants something impossible.
She thinks if it's not like when you first met, then something's wrong.
But it isn't.
Friendship's what counts.
Friendship and understanding.
My wife never really understood me.
- How did you get together? - I was her care assistant.
Where's my bastard brother? There's nothing to be ashamed of, Mr Finch.
It can happen all too easily.
The mature man is prone to it.
I told you I wouldn't mind.
And I don't.
Not that I was anticipating it.
There's so many approaches to this problem nowadays.
Not just medication.
Vacuum pumps.
Surgical implants.
You don't just have to let things stand.
Judas.
Where's my money? I'm here to see Bridewell.
The name's Krantz.
It's important.
(Mobile ringing) Yeah? Yeah.
We're on.
VAN KNECK: You're a low, crawling thing, Leo.
A slimy, slippery, slow worm writhing in the mud.
And I don't know who that bitch is, or what heap of dung you found her under, but you're both going to regret it, believe you me.
Why? What are you going to do? Call the police? Sue me? Perhaps we should call them now.
I'll see this place burnt to the ground.
If I were you I should go home, liquidate your assets.
We're checking in.
I want your best room.
Clean sheets and working lock.
Connie, I need to talk to you.
- What do you do for breakfast? - Now, about the deposit.
Don't try any of your bullshit with me, Leo Finch.
just hand over the keys.
I need to make a confession.
It were me that burnt the house down.
You what? Mum's amp.
I was using Mum's amp, it was faulty.
- I'll have to tell Dad.
- No.
Your father's stressed enough.
He doesn't need to know.
Well, well.
Look who it is.
I'm having a portrait commissioned.
It's going to hang just there.
Your lady wife.
There'll be no more portraits.
Listen, pal, you're lucky.
I could have left you on that corner, waiting in the rain.
- You'd never have got a ride.
- I'd have been all right.
You're a kiddie.
You're helpless without me.
You need to get on track, pull yourself together.
Get some purpose in your life.
- What, like you? - That's right.
I have a goal.
Oh, here we go.
I'm retrieving a valuable relic.
I'm doing a service.
On and on and on about your holy quest.
Your stupid relic and your fucking bitch of a daughter.
Don't you fucking mention my daughter.
I fuck this up, it won't be her hair they cut off.
She won't even remember you, you daft old fuck.
She will fucking remember me.
She'll remember me and she'll love me.
- Do you understand? - Yeah.
You're fucking cracked.
And I'm stuck with you until we get this done.
Then let's get it done.
Tonight.
(Crashing) (Cocking gun) - Can't you go to the police? -What's the point? They won't do anything.
No one's ever seen him.
What does he want? I don't know.
How about a glass of this? I need a wash.
I haven't changed in Since last night.
You've ruined everything.
My marriage.
All three marriages ruined because of you.
- You were unfaithful.
- I've got a problem.
Sexual addiction.
I need medication.
Treatment.
You need a woman that satisfies.
Those marriages weren't for real.
You know that as well as me.
They were.
They were real, they were normal.
And you fucked them.
And you've fucked my whole family.
Why don't we forget these silly little games and speak the truth for once? I know what goes on inside your head, just like you know what goes on inside mine.
- We're a match.
- No.
You know it's true.
Why deny it? - You've already wasted 25 good years.
- You're sick.
But of course you don't like to discuss it, do you? You like to brush it under the carpet, pretend it never happened.
Face facts, Shirley.
You fucked your mother and you loved it.
If I've offended your employer, I can only offer my sincerest apologies.
An unfortunate oversight.
I see you're a fan of The English Patient.
It's one of my favourites.
It's quite beautiful.
A wonderful performance by Ralph Fiennes.
All I remember is the amputation.
No, no, please.
Not the thumbs.
I've had a tragic life.
Emasculated at an early age.
An illness as a child.
The burden of prosthetic testicles.
I mean, isn't that suffering enough? I'm a compassionate man.
Not without sympathy.
Oh, God bless you.
Howard, take off his shoes and socks.
- Poured you a glass.
- Great.
Thanks.
What happened with you and your husband? What? You and Dudley.
How did you leave things? Ruby's her name.
She's got a reputation.
- Reputation? - She's very friendly.
Very accommodating.
She's the kind of girl you want to be with.
She's simple.
And also straightforward.
It's just about pleasure.
What are you staring at, sicko? You're damaged.
You're sick.
Normal rules don't apply.
We can do as we see fit.
I can't.
Not even a cuddle? A bit of tenderness? Can't you hold me just for a few minutes? - It wouldn't stop at that.
- It would.
I promise you.
just hold me.
- Like you were me son again.
Me baby boy.
- No.
Then shoot me.
Put me out of me misery.
Go on.
What are you waiting for? And regarding Shirley, am I to keep a separate room on for him, or will he be in with you? Keep your fucking nose out, Leo.
I'm asking purely from a business point of view.
His suite costs £14 a night.
We're tog ether.
Looks like you touched a raw nerve.
I know which nerve he'd like to touch.
- How about you? - What? You deal with all this.
Then what? - Depends.
- On what? What happens.
No girlfriend to go back to? No.
- Ever been married? - No.
You don't give much away, do you? Well, what do you want to know? Why did you walk out on me? - That dance.
- Claustrophobic.
Claustrophobic now? I feel like I'm getting the fucking inquisition, that's what I feel.
Do you? Why? We're only talking.
Yeah, well, maybe I don't like talking.
Shit, I'm sorry, I I better get dressed.
You think you can hide behind Connie or Lena or any of them? You can't.
No other woman would ever be enough for you.
What about Suzie? Eh? Suzie Locking? I was happy then.
Fifteen.
In love.
And you came in and killed it.
You're dreaming.
She were nothing, just a girl.
You made the same mistake at 15 as you're making now.
No.
No, me and her, we had a connection.
Then connect again.
What? She's back.
Moved back three year ago.
- She's here? - Oh, yes.
Divorced.
One son.
Lives up Kirkham Way.
Number 101 Railston Road.
Not a large house, but comfortable.
Pop by.
Pay her a visit.
See what you're missing.
If she's not up to it, I'll still be here.
Waiting.
Wait as long as you want.
Have you ever thought what would happen if one day I just went off you? Went off the whole idea? What then? Uncle Willy, I need to talk to you.
It's Dad.
I'm worried.
Do you think those frankfurters are for everybody? - What do you want? - Official police business, ma'am.
I need to ask you some questions.
- What you talking like that for? - Like what? Like you're in The Bill.
As I said, this is a police matter.
A preliminary criminal investigation.
- I haven't done anything.
- The house, Miss Woolf.
The incident at the house.
Were you aware or have you been aware of any suspicious activities? No.
I don't know anything about nothing, me.
And did you sustain any injuries in the accident? - Were you hurt in any way? - No, I wasn't.
And your fiancé? Was he hurt in any way? I haven't got a fiancé.
He dumped me.
One down, one to go.
- Tough guy.
- What do you fucking want from me? A little conversation, something normal.
(Lift bell dings) Oh, on the job.
Perfect timing.
(Cocking gun) That dress doesn't do her any favours.
Still got to cancel all the arrangements and everything.
The flowers, the net bags with almonds in.
Can't bring myself to do it.
Can't face it.
You don't have to.
You'd do it for me? I'll marry you, Ruby.
Oh! I find it gives me the time I need to pursue my other interests.
Being single.
It enables me to indulge my passion for model flight.
- What? - Oh, I build gliders.
Build and fly gliders, from balsa.
I mean, you'll find that as a bachelor, your opportunities to pursue a hobby increase.
I'm going to check on the train times.
HITMAN: Well, it's a lovely evening for it.
Pleasant little drive along the coast.
There's lots of deserted spots, if you know where to look.
Why don't we just do them now? HITMAN: We've got questions.
Questions that need answering.
Can't you let her go? HITMAN: No.
She's for him.
A bone for the dog.
You're mine.
HITMAN: Move! Your miserable fucking mother frittered away 25 years of my life.
What? - Pathetic, isn't it? - Shut up! - What did she do to you? - Nothing to me, son.
It's what she took.
It's what she did to my employer.
Look, if I could just meet your employer.
This is as near to my employer as you're ever going to get.
I'll ask you again.
Look, I don't know anything.
- Tell me where it is and I'll let the girl go.
- Where what is? - The thing.
The relic.
- Look, I don't know anything about any relic.
- Right, I don't.
Honest.
- But you know about something.
Don't you? Eh? You're hiding something.
Fine.
Howard, take that axe, cut her head off.
- No! - Go on, do it.
Listen, wait.
Wait.
- I'll tell you.
- Too late.
I'm fed up.
- We were going to do her anyway.
- I'll do you both, right here in the sand.
It's this.
It's this.
This is what you want.
- What the fuck? - My mother, she gave it to me.
- Shall I kill her now? - Hold on.
- Shall I? -just shut the fuck up! You're not changing your mind, are you? - What does it mean? This.
What does it mean? - I don't know.
Well, it's no good to me, is it? I want the little fella! I want him now! Look, I don't know what you're talking about.
What little fella? - Oh, he's mad, don't worry about it.
-just fucking shut up! Stop telling me to shut up, old man! You fat, fucking withered old shit.
Look, take me to Bridewell.
Let me meet him face to face.
I'll tell him everything I know.
- Bridewell? - We'll work it out! We're looking for Bridewell! We want Bridewell! - What? - You know where he is! - I thought you worked for him.
- You've got Bridewell and we want him! No.
No, I haven't, right? I was told to meet him.
I was told to meet him at the hotel.
- Fine, cut her fucking fingers off! - Oh, fuck! - With pleasure.
- No.
All of them.
Maybe that will loosen your tongue.
- No, please.
- I'll cut your eye out, you can eat it.
Just do as you're told.
I'm going to cut your fucking tits off.
I'm going to cut your ears off, cut her head off and stick it on a spike.
- Jesus Christ, give them to me.
- No.
- Give them to me.
- No.
Go on.
Do as you're told.
Look, fuck you.
I'll cut yours off.
I'll cut your fucking eyes off (Fires gun) (Howard groaning) (Mobile ringing) CONNIE: Shirley, it's me.
Have you done it? Is it done? RUBY: Is that Dad? Tea'! him I'm getting married.
Is it done? HOWARD: (Gasping) Fuck.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to.
I'll get you to hospital.
You're going to be all right.
- I don't want to die.
- You're not going to.
You're not going to.
Get on that phone.
Call an ambulance.
Wait.
Hold on.
It's all going to be all right.
(Howard gasping) - Messy, isn't it? - Please, no.
I haven't seen my daughter.
I want to see my daughter.
Tell me who's behind all this.
Who killed my mother? Who's after me? I'll let you breathe a little bit longer.
- Mercy.
- Tell me.
Mercy.
- Mercy.
- This is your last chance.
I will pull the trigger.
Don't think that I won't.
It was Mercy.
She killed your mother.
She sent us.
It was Mercy Woolf.
Face facts, Shirley.
You fucked your mother and you loved it.