Gamer's Guide To Pretty Much Everything (2015) s01e09 Episode Script
The Psycho Zombie Bloodbath
You know, when I was on tour, new games were just sent to me.
This is actually the first time I've had to wait in line.
[chuckles.]
I feel so - common.
- Lines are awesome.
They give you a chance to mix it up and make new friends.
Keep it movin', dweebs.
You wanna be here all night? See? I heard Psycho Zombie Bloodbath is the scariest game ever made.
It's based on real events.
It's about time-traveling zombies that eat people's butts off.
Of course it's based on real events.
- Guys, thanks for saving my spot.
- No problem.
Cutter, cutter! We got a cutter! So guess who's the new captain of the volleyball team.
It's gotta be Grace Tobin.
She's a little ball of hustle.
Emma Wheeler's really popular, though.
Guys, guys, come on.
The answer is right in front of you.
Lily Atkins is a born leader.
- That's the best choice.
- Yeah.
It's me! - Of course.
- Who else would it be? Emma Wheeler got hosed.
Oh, here we go, here we go.
Hey, Chad, could we get one copy of Psycho Zombie Bloodbath, please? Absolutely, if you were in a time machine set to two minutes ago.
[goofy laughter.]
The International Gaming Committee just banned it - for being TSFA.
- TSFA? "Too scary for anyone.
" Uh, doy.
They're taking it off the market, and we're required to send our shipment back to Japan.
Well, TRSC.
"This really stinks, Chad.
" Come on, man, just sell us one.
They're sitting right there.
Game Pit code of conduct has two rules.
One: never sell a recalled game.
Two: do not fraternize with the girls from Sausage On A Stick, no matter how much you desire the girl, and/or the sausage.
Hey, Chad, that sausage girl is checkin' you out.
Really? Time for my lip lube.
I'm getting that game.
CLTD.
"Chad locked the door.
Uh, doy.
" [title music.]
1x09 - The Psycho Zombie Bloodbath All right, gamers, today I'm gonna teach you how to get a hold of a banned game.
And why would you want one? Because it's banned! That's why I was so excited when I got my hands on the game Zoo Party before they yanked it off the shelves.
You would believe what the elephant does with his peanut on level three.
[elephant trumpeting.]
Oh! Anyway, sometimes it takes more strategy to get your hands on a game than it takes to actually play it.
That's why I put my best guys on it.
Hello there, fellow adult.
- And you are? - We're the delivery men, here to pick up that recalled game.
And can you make it snappy? The wife's bustin' my chops about bein' late for dinner.
Wife? You didn't tell me we were doing wives.
I just made it up so he thinks we're adults.
Well, I got three wives, and all of them let me kiss 'em.
Nice call.
Wife number two hated that mustache.
She said it tickled her hot face when we kissed so much.
[chuckles.]
Sorry, Try-hards.
I'm not buyin' it.
[laughs.]
Way to go, Franklin.
Your bad acting ruined this.
Me? You're the one that went rogue with your three wives.
Hey, leave them out of this! You'll never understand the love I share with Debbie, Taylor, and Wendella.
So then I'll rappel down from the roof, kick open the air vent, climb inside and shimmy my way into the Game Pit.
Those vents are, like, a foot wide.
How you gonna squeeze through there? The same way the Navy SEALS do it.
You're gonna butter up my hips.
Why do all your plans involve someone - buttering up your hips? - 'Cause it works.
Guys, I got Psycho Zombie Bloodbath! No way! How'd you get it?! I found an exclusive underground auction site, and for only 200 bucks, I got us a copy of Shania Twain's Christmas In Hawaii.
This cost you 200 bucks?! Score! Well, that is the last time I'm shopping at a website called Happy Fun Time Not A Scam.
Don't worry, Conor.
I've got a foolproof plan.
- No one's rubbing butter on your hips.
- Oh, come on! Hey, Mr.
Spanks.
You got your food to go? No, Ashley, I took care of Billy's rat problem.
They wouldn't be a problem if they didn't eat Billy's food and vomit in the fryer.
Why are you catching rats anyway? I moonlight as an exterminator.
You think I can live off a lousy teacher's salary? Well, maybe, if you weren't a lousy teacher.
That ship has sailed.
Here you go.
Lunch for my favorite teammates.
Thanks, but I think you got it backwards.
I had the spaghetti, she had the crab salad.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
Making Ashley our team captain was the best idea ever.
We can make her do whatever we want.
[giggles.]
No more running laps, no more dumb drills.
She falls for every excuse that we give her.
[gasping.]
So you weren't a bridesmaid at a Cat's wedding? And you didn't win a free trip to the Moon? And you weren't at your grandmother's funeral, you filthy liar! I'm very sorry for your loss, Lily.
But the days of easy practices are over.
I'm calling a surprise captain's practice! - That's not a thing.
- Well, it is now! Do I need to remind you that, as captain, I have the authority to kick you off the team? So everybody up.
We are running to the top of Echo Mountain.
- What about my food? - We'll take it to go.
Now move, move, move! Huh.
Nice alley you brought me to.
It's got a real stabby vibe.
Do you want Psycho Zombie Bloodbath or not? I got a tip from my cousin.
The one that went to juvie for kidnapping the mayor? [sighs.]
No, the bad one.
- Anyway, we're meetin' the guy here.
- Oh, I bet that's him.
- I'll do the talking.
- No, I'll do the talking.
- [arguing.]
I always do - Shut up.
BOTH: Hello.
[distorted voice.]
Do you have the $100? Wait.
$100? You said 75.
What kind of shady, back-alley game dealer are you? A lot of people want this game.
It's called supply and demand.
Uh, doy.
Wait a minute.
I know that "doy.
" You're Chad! No, I'm not.
I don't even work at the Game Pit Aah! All right, Chad, here's how it's gonna go.
You're gonna give us Psycho Zombie Bloodbath for free, and we won't tell your boss you're selling banned games behind his back.
Fine.
I guess if I broke the first Game Pit code, might as well break the second one.
I'm gonna fraternize with every Sausage On A Stick girl I can find.
[kiss.]
Yes! We finally get to play Psycho Zombie Bloodbath.
Uh, first, there's something I gotta do.
[line ringing.]
FRANKLIN: Hello.
[distorted voice.]
Franklin Delgado.
This is your robot nightmare.
What?! I am coming for you.
[screaming.]
This is so cool.
We are the only kids in town who have Psycho Zombie Bloodbath.
The fun you don't share with others is my favorite kind.
We are gonna be up to our eyeballs in zombie guts.
Now, we have 12 hours till school.
We can play through the whole game if we only stop for pee breaks.
[scoffs.]
You'll stop for pee breaks.
I am wearing a man-sized diaper.
There is not a single thing that's gonna stop this from being the coolest night ever.
Howdy doody, slumber buddies.
Yeah, there might be one thing.
[chuckles.]
This game is banned in 37 countries.
- It's way too scary for him.
- Please! I'm not scared of some dumb video game.
[growling in game.]
Aaaah! That's just the title screen.
But they wrote it in bones! Who does that?! 1,000.
- Whoo.
- That's it.
I can't go on.
We gotta stop.
Fine.
I don't know any higher numbers anyway.
Just remember this.
Ashley Parker is a natural-born leader.
Okay, okay.
We get it.
Just lead us home.
- Are we lost? - Uh, no, no.
I can figure this out.
Let's see.
North is always up.
The sun always rises in the sky.
The clouds always follow the stars.
So that means we use the GPS on our phones.
Uh, that would've been possible if you didn't run us off that cliff into a lake! Now we're gonna be stuck up here forever.
And we haven't eaten all day.
[girls crying.]
All right, everybody, calm down.
You ever see any of those survival shows? This is nature.
You can eat anything.
Those Those are, uh forest berries.
They're loaded with protein.
Dig in, girls.
Oh, come on! This is nature.
You can't just eat anything.
[chuckles.]
[thunder rumbling.]
This is fun, huh? We're just two lone survivors in an abandoned slaughterhouse full of butt-eating zombies and psychopaths with cattle prods.
[nervous laughter.]
What's scary about that? Maybe it's scary for some people, but not for tough guys like us.
Okay, I might be a little spooked, but I'm doing a lot better than he is.
Think happy thoughts.
Folding socks.
A surprise pop quiz.
Small talk with old folks.
We did it.
We made it out! We beat the game.
Oh, good, it's finally over.
Oh, man, it's 8:00 in the morning.
We've been playing all night.
- We're gonna be late to school.
- Late to school?! Oh, the nightmare continues.
Dude, are you gonna put pants on? If you put underwear on.
No dice.
Uh, where is everybody? See, the place is deserted.
We didn't need pants.
An abandoned hallway on a stormy day.
This is exactly how the game started.
And the three characters were named Conor, Franklin and Wendell.
That's because we entered our names, Franklin.
I'm sure everyone's just at an assembly or something.
[scratching noise.]
What was that? What? I didn't hear that strange scratching coming from the walls.
It sounded like the game just before the kids got their butts eaten off by zombies! [whimpering.]
Would you calm down? There's nothing weird going on here.
We're all just tired.
[thunder crashes.]
The storm just blew out the power.
[door slams.]
The wind just blew a door closed.
[voices moaning.]
And that's just your every-day horde of bloodthirsty zombies.
[all screaming.]
This is my guidance counselor's office.
He'll help us.
Oh, you told me your door was always open, Mr.
Templar.
Okay, guys, calm down.
There's no way we're being chased by zombies.
We're all just sleep-deprived 'cause we played the game all night, and our imaginations are getting a little crazy.
Yeah, you're right.
We're just imagining the zombies.
The same way I'm just imagining that psychopath.
Do you think you can run from me? I'm gonna get you all! [evil laughter.]
ALL: Psychopath! Barricade the door.
Come on.
Guys, if I don't make it out of here, I need you to tell my brother something.
I was the one who chucked his snake into the dishwasher.
Eat a bag of rocks, Dwight.
They got me! Franklin, help me! I'd help you.
Franklin! No, no, we have to help him! Quit living in the past, Conor.
Franklin's zombie chow.
They got me! Conor, help me! I'd help you.
All right, it's time to face facts.
We're dealing with a real-life Psycho Zombie Bloodbath, and those zombies have our friend.
I'd call him more of an acquaintance.
Time to kick some zombie butt.
[zombies moaning.]
Game on.
[Franklin screaming.]
ZOMBIE: You're coming with me.
No ammo! ZOMBIES: Conor.
Conor.
- Conor, what are you doing? - Wait.
Ashley? - You're not a zombie! - No, I'm not.
Why were you moaning and trying to attack us in the nurse's office? We needed ointment because the girls thought it would be a good idea to eat forest berries.
[muffled.]
It swole up our tongues.
- We almost died.
- But we didn't.
What we did do is cross a raging river, climb Echo Mountain, and slap a salmon - right out of a bear's mouth.
- He was not happy.
After that, our volleyball games are gonna be a walk in the park.
Maybe you are a good captain.
I'm the best captain this team has ever had.
But you know what I learned about being a leader? I hate it.
So my last act as captain is assigning the job to you.
- But I don't want it! - Congratulations.
[muffled.]
Wait! I don't want to be a captain! So I get it the volleyball players were the zombies, but why is the school empty? And what about the scratching noises, and that psychopath who took Franklin? You callin' me a psychopath, Wendell? [chittering.]
BOTH: Mr.
Spanks? Turns out the school is closed 'cause there was a family of raccoons in the walls.
That was the scratching sound we heard.
I took Franklin to help me catch them because I was too big to fit in the vent.
I just buttered up my hips and shimmied right in! Buttered hips? Come on, man, that's my move! I'm gonna take this adorable bag of bandits out to the woods where they belong.
This little one here's the baby.
Aren't you just as cute [growls.]
Aaah! Okay, maybe staying up all night to play the world's scariest game was not the best idea.
But I've learned something very important, which is [loud snoring.]
That dumb video game gave us the worst scare of our lives.
Psychopaths, weirdos, zombies.
- No wonder it's banned.
- Yeah.
Wanna go play it again? - Heck, yeah.
- Let's do it.
Don't go in that door.
There's a butt-eating zombie in there.
Relax.
I've been playing this as much as you, and I think I know the map by [sounds of zombies munching.]
Oh, come on! That was my last butt! [phone ringing.]
[both gasp.]
Hello? [distorted voice.]
Conor, Wendell.
This is your robot nightmare.
[chuckles.]
Nice try, Franklin.
I've got grilled cheese-y up in this heezy.
Wait a minute.
If you're then who I'm coming for you.
[both screeming.]
Nicely done, Chad.
- You scared them good.
- Uh, doy.
This is actually the first time I've had to wait in line.
[chuckles.]
I feel so - common.
- Lines are awesome.
They give you a chance to mix it up and make new friends.
Keep it movin', dweebs.
You wanna be here all night? See? I heard Psycho Zombie Bloodbath is the scariest game ever made.
It's based on real events.
It's about time-traveling zombies that eat people's butts off.
Of course it's based on real events.
- Guys, thanks for saving my spot.
- No problem.
Cutter, cutter! We got a cutter! So guess who's the new captain of the volleyball team.
It's gotta be Grace Tobin.
She's a little ball of hustle.
Emma Wheeler's really popular, though.
Guys, guys, come on.
The answer is right in front of you.
Lily Atkins is a born leader.
- That's the best choice.
- Yeah.
It's me! - Of course.
- Who else would it be? Emma Wheeler got hosed.
Oh, here we go, here we go.
Hey, Chad, could we get one copy of Psycho Zombie Bloodbath, please? Absolutely, if you were in a time machine set to two minutes ago.
[goofy laughter.]
The International Gaming Committee just banned it - for being TSFA.
- TSFA? "Too scary for anyone.
" Uh, doy.
They're taking it off the market, and we're required to send our shipment back to Japan.
Well, TRSC.
"This really stinks, Chad.
" Come on, man, just sell us one.
They're sitting right there.
Game Pit code of conduct has two rules.
One: never sell a recalled game.
Two: do not fraternize with the girls from Sausage On A Stick, no matter how much you desire the girl, and/or the sausage.
Hey, Chad, that sausage girl is checkin' you out.
Really? Time for my lip lube.
I'm getting that game.
CLTD.
"Chad locked the door.
Uh, doy.
" [title music.]
1x09 - The Psycho Zombie Bloodbath All right, gamers, today I'm gonna teach you how to get a hold of a banned game.
And why would you want one? Because it's banned! That's why I was so excited when I got my hands on the game Zoo Party before they yanked it off the shelves.
You would believe what the elephant does with his peanut on level three.
[elephant trumpeting.]
Oh! Anyway, sometimes it takes more strategy to get your hands on a game than it takes to actually play it.
That's why I put my best guys on it.
Hello there, fellow adult.
- And you are? - We're the delivery men, here to pick up that recalled game.
And can you make it snappy? The wife's bustin' my chops about bein' late for dinner.
Wife? You didn't tell me we were doing wives.
I just made it up so he thinks we're adults.
Well, I got three wives, and all of them let me kiss 'em.
Nice call.
Wife number two hated that mustache.
She said it tickled her hot face when we kissed so much.
[chuckles.]
Sorry, Try-hards.
I'm not buyin' it.
[laughs.]
Way to go, Franklin.
Your bad acting ruined this.
Me? You're the one that went rogue with your three wives.
Hey, leave them out of this! You'll never understand the love I share with Debbie, Taylor, and Wendella.
So then I'll rappel down from the roof, kick open the air vent, climb inside and shimmy my way into the Game Pit.
Those vents are, like, a foot wide.
How you gonna squeeze through there? The same way the Navy SEALS do it.
You're gonna butter up my hips.
Why do all your plans involve someone - buttering up your hips? - 'Cause it works.
Guys, I got Psycho Zombie Bloodbath! No way! How'd you get it?! I found an exclusive underground auction site, and for only 200 bucks, I got us a copy of Shania Twain's Christmas In Hawaii.
This cost you 200 bucks?! Score! Well, that is the last time I'm shopping at a website called Happy Fun Time Not A Scam.
Don't worry, Conor.
I've got a foolproof plan.
- No one's rubbing butter on your hips.
- Oh, come on! Hey, Mr.
Spanks.
You got your food to go? No, Ashley, I took care of Billy's rat problem.
They wouldn't be a problem if they didn't eat Billy's food and vomit in the fryer.
Why are you catching rats anyway? I moonlight as an exterminator.
You think I can live off a lousy teacher's salary? Well, maybe, if you weren't a lousy teacher.
That ship has sailed.
Here you go.
Lunch for my favorite teammates.
Thanks, but I think you got it backwards.
I had the spaghetti, she had the crab salad.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
Making Ashley our team captain was the best idea ever.
We can make her do whatever we want.
[giggles.]
No more running laps, no more dumb drills.
She falls for every excuse that we give her.
[gasping.]
So you weren't a bridesmaid at a Cat's wedding? And you didn't win a free trip to the Moon? And you weren't at your grandmother's funeral, you filthy liar! I'm very sorry for your loss, Lily.
But the days of easy practices are over.
I'm calling a surprise captain's practice! - That's not a thing.
- Well, it is now! Do I need to remind you that, as captain, I have the authority to kick you off the team? So everybody up.
We are running to the top of Echo Mountain.
- What about my food? - We'll take it to go.
Now move, move, move! Huh.
Nice alley you brought me to.
It's got a real stabby vibe.
Do you want Psycho Zombie Bloodbath or not? I got a tip from my cousin.
The one that went to juvie for kidnapping the mayor? [sighs.]
No, the bad one.
- Anyway, we're meetin' the guy here.
- Oh, I bet that's him.
- I'll do the talking.
- No, I'll do the talking.
- [arguing.]
I always do - Shut up.
BOTH: Hello.
[distorted voice.]
Do you have the $100? Wait.
$100? You said 75.
What kind of shady, back-alley game dealer are you? A lot of people want this game.
It's called supply and demand.
Uh, doy.
Wait a minute.
I know that "doy.
" You're Chad! No, I'm not.
I don't even work at the Game Pit Aah! All right, Chad, here's how it's gonna go.
You're gonna give us Psycho Zombie Bloodbath for free, and we won't tell your boss you're selling banned games behind his back.
Fine.
I guess if I broke the first Game Pit code, might as well break the second one.
I'm gonna fraternize with every Sausage On A Stick girl I can find.
[kiss.]
Yes! We finally get to play Psycho Zombie Bloodbath.
Uh, first, there's something I gotta do.
[line ringing.]
FRANKLIN: Hello.
[distorted voice.]
Franklin Delgado.
This is your robot nightmare.
What?! I am coming for you.
[screaming.]
This is so cool.
We are the only kids in town who have Psycho Zombie Bloodbath.
The fun you don't share with others is my favorite kind.
We are gonna be up to our eyeballs in zombie guts.
Now, we have 12 hours till school.
We can play through the whole game if we only stop for pee breaks.
[scoffs.]
You'll stop for pee breaks.
I am wearing a man-sized diaper.
There is not a single thing that's gonna stop this from being the coolest night ever.
Howdy doody, slumber buddies.
Yeah, there might be one thing.
[chuckles.]
This game is banned in 37 countries.
- It's way too scary for him.
- Please! I'm not scared of some dumb video game.
[growling in game.]
Aaaah! That's just the title screen.
But they wrote it in bones! Who does that?! 1,000.
- Whoo.
- That's it.
I can't go on.
We gotta stop.
Fine.
I don't know any higher numbers anyway.
Just remember this.
Ashley Parker is a natural-born leader.
Okay, okay.
We get it.
Just lead us home.
- Are we lost? - Uh, no, no.
I can figure this out.
Let's see.
North is always up.
The sun always rises in the sky.
The clouds always follow the stars.
So that means we use the GPS on our phones.
Uh, that would've been possible if you didn't run us off that cliff into a lake! Now we're gonna be stuck up here forever.
And we haven't eaten all day.
[girls crying.]
All right, everybody, calm down.
You ever see any of those survival shows? This is nature.
You can eat anything.
Those Those are, uh forest berries.
They're loaded with protein.
Dig in, girls.
Oh, come on! This is nature.
You can't just eat anything.
[chuckles.]
[thunder rumbling.]
This is fun, huh? We're just two lone survivors in an abandoned slaughterhouse full of butt-eating zombies and psychopaths with cattle prods.
[nervous laughter.]
What's scary about that? Maybe it's scary for some people, but not for tough guys like us.
Okay, I might be a little spooked, but I'm doing a lot better than he is.
Think happy thoughts.
Folding socks.
A surprise pop quiz.
Small talk with old folks.
We did it.
We made it out! We beat the game.
Oh, good, it's finally over.
Oh, man, it's 8:00 in the morning.
We've been playing all night.
- We're gonna be late to school.
- Late to school?! Oh, the nightmare continues.
Dude, are you gonna put pants on? If you put underwear on.
No dice.
Uh, where is everybody? See, the place is deserted.
We didn't need pants.
An abandoned hallway on a stormy day.
This is exactly how the game started.
And the three characters were named Conor, Franklin and Wendell.
That's because we entered our names, Franklin.
I'm sure everyone's just at an assembly or something.
[scratching noise.]
What was that? What? I didn't hear that strange scratching coming from the walls.
It sounded like the game just before the kids got their butts eaten off by zombies! [whimpering.]
Would you calm down? There's nothing weird going on here.
We're all just tired.
[thunder crashes.]
The storm just blew out the power.
[door slams.]
The wind just blew a door closed.
[voices moaning.]
And that's just your every-day horde of bloodthirsty zombies.
[all screaming.]
This is my guidance counselor's office.
He'll help us.
Oh, you told me your door was always open, Mr.
Templar.
Okay, guys, calm down.
There's no way we're being chased by zombies.
We're all just sleep-deprived 'cause we played the game all night, and our imaginations are getting a little crazy.
Yeah, you're right.
We're just imagining the zombies.
The same way I'm just imagining that psychopath.
Do you think you can run from me? I'm gonna get you all! [evil laughter.]
ALL: Psychopath! Barricade the door.
Come on.
Guys, if I don't make it out of here, I need you to tell my brother something.
I was the one who chucked his snake into the dishwasher.
Eat a bag of rocks, Dwight.
They got me! Franklin, help me! I'd help you.
Franklin! No, no, we have to help him! Quit living in the past, Conor.
Franklin's zombie chow.
They got me! Conor, help me! I'd help you.
All right, it's time to face facts.
We're dealing with a real-life Psycho Zombie Bloodbath, and those zombies have our friend.
I'd call him more of an acquaintance.
Time to kick some zombie butt.
[zombies moaning.]
Game on.
[Franklin screaming.]
ZOMBIE: You're coming with me.
No ammo! ZOMBIES: Conor.
Conor.
- Conor, what are you doing? - Wait.
Ashley? - You're not a zombie! - No, I'm not.
Why were you moaning and trying to attack us in the nurse's office? We needed ointment because the girls thought it would be a good idea to eat forest berries.
[muffled.]
It swole up our tongues.
- We almost died.
- But we didn't.
What we did do is cross a raging river, climb Echo Mountain, and slap a salmon - right out of a bear's mouth.
- He was not happy.
After that, our volleyball games are gonna be a walk in the park.
Maybe you are a good captain.
I'm the best captain this team has ever had.
But you know what I learned about being a leader? I hate it.
So my last act as captain is assigning the job to you.
- But I don't want it! - Congratulations.
[muffled.]
Wait! I don't want to be a captain! So I get it the volleyball players were the zombies, but why is the school empty? And what about the scratching noises, and that psychopath who took Franklin? You callin' me a psychopath, Wendell? [chittering.]
BOTH: Mr.
Spanks? Turns out the school is closed 'cause there was a family of raccoons in the walls.
That was the scratching sound we heard.
I took Franklin to help me catch them because I was too big to fit in the vent.
I just buttered up my hips and shimmied right in! Buttered hips? Come on, man, that's my move! I'm gonna take this adorable bag of bandits out to the woods where they belong.
This little one here's the baby.
Aren't you just as cute [growls.]
Aaah! Okay, maybe staying up all night to play the world's scariest game was not the best idea.
But I've learned something very important, which is [loud snoring.]
That dumb video game gave us the worst scare of our lives.
Psychopaths, weirdos, zombies.
- No wonder it's banned.
- Yeah.
Wanna go play it again? - Heck, yeah.
- Let's do it.
Don't go in that door.
There's a butt-eating zombie in there.
Relax.
I've been playing this as much as you, and I think I know the map by [sounds of zombies munching.]
Oh, come on! That was my last butt! [phone ringing.]
[both gasp.]
Hello? [distorted voice.]
Conor, Wendell.
This is your robot nightmare.
[chuckles.]
Nice try, Franklin.
I've got grilled cheese-y up in this heezy.
Wait a minute.
If you're then who I'm coming for you.
[both screeming.]
Nicely done, Chad.
- You scared them good.
- Uh, doy.