Gary Unmarried (2008) s01e09 Episode Script

Brooks is at the 20.
He's at the 15.
There's only one more man to beat.
Hi.
Hi.
Are you enjoying yourself? Well, I was at first.
And then I realized a man I was married to for 15 years was trying to score with a dead, frozen animal.
Well, how do you think I feel for 15 years having to sleep with a dead, frozen animal? Very nice.
Very nice.
All right, Gary, I'm gonna let that go, but I do wanna ask you one thing.
Please, why are you being so stubborn? Just come to my house for Thanksgiving with the kids.
No.
Thanksgiving is at my house this year.
- You agreed to it, Allison.
Come on.
- Yes, I know.
I know.
But, seriously, Gary, are you going to attempt to roast a turkey? I mean, we both know you're not capable of putting together a Thanksgiving dinner.
Okay, I think I am capable and that's what scares the stuffing out of you.
Oh, yeah? Yeah? I bet you can't even tell me what goes in stuffing.
Everything in this box.
With either water or something called chicken stock.
It's my choice.
Anybody home? It's my dad.
That means he got past the dogs at the airport.
Hey, Dad.
Hey, Gary.
Oh, my God.
God, you kids are just growing up so fast.
Yeah, they're amazing.
Man, you should see them put away groceries.
They're like artists, really.
Thanks, Dad.
I'm glad you appreciate the effort.
Come on, Louise, let's go put away groceries.
That was a con, you dummy.
- And you - Hi, Jack.
How you doing? Oh, boy.
I hate to say it in front of my son, but divorce suits you.
Well, I hate to say it in front of your son, too, but I've never been happier.
This is nice.
A little laugh between the man who gave me life and the woman who destroyed it.
Come on, Jack.
What have you been doing? - Well, I've been traveling, you know.
- Yeah? I was shacked up with an Eskimo woman for a while.
You know, the Eskimo people, they have 100 different words for "get out.
" - You wanna show me to my room? - Okay.
Here we are! I'm sleeping on the couch? No, you're not sleeping on the couch.
I bought you a bed, my man.
- Daddy, look at this.
- An air mattress.
- Yeah.
- Great.
Where do I dig my latrine? You know, Jack, your room is still available over at my house.
- Really? - No, no, no.
Maybe.
But, no.
He's My dad's staying here with me and the kids.
You still got that shower that gets you everywhere at once? Yeah, I do.
'Cause two weeks in Baja, I'm still carrying a lot of beach on me.
- I have a shower here, too, Dad.
- You know what? I also had to replace that old bed with a nice pillow-top mattress.
And I promise not to say a word if you wanna burn your incense.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
That's okay, Allison.
Look, my father is staying here for Thanksgiving.
The kids are staying here for Thanksgiving.
Thanksgiving is staying here for Thanksgiving.
The only thing that's not staying here for Thanksgiving is you.
Bye.
Okay.
Okay, Gary.
But the offer stands, Jack.
And I know that my mom would love to see you.
Wait a minute.
The exquisite Connie is there? Yeah.
I should've let Mananook shave my back.
Vanessa pulled up out back, Dad.
Hey, that's my friend.
She's super hot.
And I told her you're not blind, so don't do the "I'm just shaking your hands" gag.
- Oh, no, it's Parker.
- Hey, hey.
You don't have to play with Parker, Tommy, but you do have to be nice to Vanessa's son, okay? Yeah, I know, Dad, but he always hits me.
- That's his age.
- In the testicles.
- Hey, Tom.
- Hey, Parker.
Hi-ya! Hey, my dad's here.
You wanna meet him? Yeah, great.
How are you gonna introduce us? I'll tell him you're a friend of mine, we used to date, and every once in a while, you call me just to have sex.
I do not.
I know, but I'm just letting you know that is on the table.
- Louise, where's Grandpa? - He left with Mom.
He said our water pressure was too low to get all the sand out of Pirate's Cove.
Oh, my gosh.
She stole my dad.
She lured him away with the promise of a mattress and a sand-less crack.
- Honey.
- What? Your pie seems a little dry.
Did Gary like dry pie? Look, Mom, I don't know.
You're gonna have to ask Gary, okay? I can't.
You drove him away.
Mom, I did not drive him away, okay? I mean, why can't you just be happy for me now that I've found Walter? I am.
But your fiancé seems a little How do I say this politely? Antique-y.
Mom, he is a brilliant therapist, and he is handsome and caring, and he's only 15 years older than me.
I told your father he should've hugged you more as a teenager, but your little breasts frightened him.
What'd I do now? Withheld affection from your daughter, darling, but you're a scratch golfer now, so it was worth it.
Now, Ally knows I love her.
Don't you, Alligator? Of course.
Course I do, Dad.
There it is.
Okay.
There it is.
Okay.
- Yes, Walter, it's a hell of a fish tank.
- Thank you.
I toyed with the idea of becoming a marine biologist, but we Krandalls are not a buoyant people.
There's a common expression in Sweden.
Which means, "to sink like a Krandall.
" Charlie, you rushed right past us.
Come back in.
I just got some whistler crabs.
You know, they have a cream for that.
Do we have any beer? Charlie, you do not need a beer.
It dulls your senses.
You're right.
I'm gonna eat turkey and take a nap later.
I'd better be on my toes, huh? - I see the beer.
- Like a menopausal Superman.
Connie, is it possible you get younger every time I see you? I don't know, Jack.
Is it possible you're stoned? - It's always possible.
- It is.
Yeah.
One of the biggest football days of the year, and you replaced the television with an aquarium.
This is every bit as entertaining as football.
Look! A boxfish just swam through the Fiji finger coral.
That's the marine equivalent of a touchdown right there.
Which one of those fish would kill me if I ate it? Hey, Charlie.
- Hey, Gary.
- All right.
You watching the Dallas game? No, no, no.
But we just watched a carp take a dump underwater.
First of all, a carp is a freshwater fish.
Second of all, all fish eliminate waste underwater.
So, it's funny on two levels.
- You really don't have to try so hard.
- Sorry, Dad.
So, Gary, what do you want? I want my dad back, Allison.
What? I got in the car to come back here, and he jumped in all excited like we were going to the dog park.
Come on, Allison, with all the hot shower talk and the pillow-top bed and the liberal incense policy, you sold this place like it was Woody Harrelson's bed and breakfast.
Gary, if you wanna be with your dad, then just bring the kids over and we'll have Thanksgiving dinner here.
No, Allison, you're not stealing my Thanksgiving.
No.
I am not taking a Jacuzzi with you, Jack.
Connie, it's a soak in a hot tub, not an invite to Burning Man.
- Hi, Gary.
- Hi, Connie.
Good to see you.
Connie and I are about to take a Jacooz.
- I am not taking a Jacuzzi.
- Dad, what are you doing? Get in the car.
Let's go back to my house.
That's where Thanksgiving is this year.
Come on, Gare, why don't you just bring the kids over here? Hey, Connie, you putting on your bathing suit? I am not putting on a bathing suit.
Far out.
- Gary? - All right.
You win, Allison.
We should have Thanksgiving here.
I'll go get the kids and I'll bring them over, all right? - You see? - Yeah.
Was that so hard? I mean, look I mean, you try, but Thanksgiving's what I do.
Can we still have our touch football game at my house with the kids? - Of course.
- Okay, would you do me a favor? Would you get Louise's sneakers for me? - Yeah.
Yeah, I'll be right back.
- Okay.
Thank you.
Sure.
- Hey, Charlie.
- Hey, Gary.
I'm just looking at the beers.
Like little puppies in a window.
The little sad one's my favorite.
Charlie, I'm not gonna lie to you.
Look, I have so much imported beer in my refrigerator, I barely have any room for all the domestic beer I just bought.
I could really use a drinker.
Well, that's tempting, but if I left, Connie would cut off my giblet bag.
Come to my house.
Come to my house, Charlie.
The second half of the Dallas game is about to start.
I have a bird in the oven, a 42-inch flat screen, no fish.
- I'll be in the car.
- Attaboy! - Gary, this place is great.
- Yeah, it's small, but it's crappy.
And it smells like a bar.
You know, it didn't come that way.
I had to do that all by myself.
My place is like an Indiana Jones movie.
You touch the wrong thing and you got this great big boulder bitching at you.
So, you eat in here? Yeah, almost every day, right in front of the TV.
Hey, one time, I had this big thing of ice cream and I went up to bed and I forgot about it.
I came down the next morning, I picked up that sucker and I drank it like a giant malt.
I will remember that story for the rest of my life.
Vanessa and I beat the boys at football.
That's 'cause Parker was my teammate.
Kept trying to tackle me, Dad.
He doesn't get it.
You told me to tackle the guy with the ball.
You had the ball.
My bad.
Hi-ya! I'm never having kids.
Oh, my God.
- Hey, sweetie.
- Shh.
You'll scare it away.
Charlie, this is my friend Vanessa.
- Hi, you must be Gary's dad.
- Yes, I am.
- No, you're not.
You're Allison's dad.
- Whatever.
Are you gonna be able to join us? I'm all sweaty from football.
I'm gonna go upstairs and hit the showers, but save me a beer and I'll be back down to watch the game.
You are the greatest man who ever lived.
Okay.
I'll drink to that.
Let's freshen up our beers.
Or is it time to tap the pony keg? I'm not crying, I just got some pretzel salt in my eyes.
- Dad, what the hell are you doing? - Having the best day of my life.
Get in the car.
I'm taking you back.
Come on.
Hey, Charlie, I found these two 20-ounce Belgian beers way in the back.
They're pretty cold.
Sorry about all the frost clinging to the glass.
Dad, we're going.
- I don't think so, Alligator.
- Yeah.
He doesn't think so, Alligator.
Dad, Mom has been looking for you.
Walter's afraid he offended you.
And I haven't seen Jack since he took the screen out of the kitchen faucet, grabbed an apple, and ran out the back door.
Wow.
Sounds like things are really falling apart at your house, Allison.
Wouldn't it be so much easier if everyone just came over here? Gary's got a beautiful turkey in the oven.
You should see it.
Hey, that reminds me.
I gotta go baste my bird.
- And check the turkey.
- Oh! That's a good one.
I like that.
You know, Dad, with Gary cooking, there's not gonna be any dinner.
Hey, if he doesn't run out of l-don't-care juice, I don't care.
Look, Gary, don't worry.
It's not Who made that for you? I made it.
Look at this.
This thing is beautiful.
It should be on the cover of Better Homes Than Allison magazine.
What? Oh, my gosh.
You can actually hear the flavor.
Listen.
I'm delicious.
- Gary.
Gary.
Gary.
- In your face.
I'm delicious.
Gary, stop playing with your stupid bird and tell my dad he's coming back with me.
Look, you know what, your dad's a grown man.
He can do whatever he wants.
But whenever you wanna exchange your hostage for my guest, call me.
Charlie, why don't you put your feet up? Relax.
- Really? - Yeah.
It does look comfortable.
You wanna go really crazy? Take your shoes off first.
Nice.
Nice.
Oh This is so wrong.
This is so wrong.
Hey, it's been 20 minutes.
I have to go baste Lucille.
- And check your turkey.
- All right.
Lucille? Lucille? Lucille? Lucille! Oh, my gosh.
Okay.
Honey? Lucille? Hey! Allison was in here.
But I didn't see Allison leave.
Allison ate my turkey.
No.
No, Allison stole my turkey.
Hello.
What have you done with my bird? Where's my turkey? Where's Lucille? Who is this? Don't you play games with me.
You know who this is.
I want my turkey.
Your turkey is safe.
For now.
It's cooking at an undisclosed location.
Is that how you're gonna play this, Allison? Yes.
Have my dad back at my house in a half an hour or the temperature in the oven goes up You wouldn't dare.
You have no idea what I'm capable of, Gary.
Bring him back and no one gets overcooked.
Honey, I wasn't snooping, but I was looking through your underwear drawer.
- Mom! - Well, somebody's got to tell you this.
Men don't like granny panties.
- They like the T-back thong, like this.
- Okay.
Jack, you weren't supposed to see that.
Well, I did.
I'm downloading it to my hard drive.
Okay, before I vomit into my yams, could you please finish setting the table? Allison, I got your father in my car.
You know, I had to tell the guy we were going to a strip club just to get him out of the house.
No.
He has to be inside the house, Gary.
Well, how do I know my bird's okay? - Please, please, Gary, grow up.
- Grow up? You stole my turkey.
- You stole my dad.
- That's because you stole my dad.
Okay, but you wouldn't bring the kids over here.
Allison, should I rinse these, or are we going for a summer camp vibe? Gary, you said you were just popping in to get your VIP card.
- Charlie, where have you been? - With Gary, drinking beer, eating salty snacks and putting my feet on furniture.
Hey, Connie, I put our place cards together.
So right now, my spoon is touching your fork.
- Hi, Son.
- Hi, traitor.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold everything.
You put your feet on the furniture? Yes.
And from now on, that's how I'm gonna roll.
- Not in my house.
- You're damned right.
I'm moving out.
I wanna get a place like Gary's.
- What? - What? Score! You see what you did, Gary? You happy now? What's going on here? Today is Charlie Carswell's Independence Day.
And I will celebrate it every year.
My dad wants a divorce.
This is a marriage counseling emergency.
Mom, Dad, I've an opening a week from Tuesday.
Damn it, Gary.
This is all your fault.
Why couldn't you just bring the kids over in the first place? What does that have to do with anything, Allison? Well, what? You would have been here, you would have gotten my mom off my back and kept my dad entertained, and you would have taken care of the football and Whoa! Whoa! Hold on a second.
This is all making sense to me now.
This isn't about you thinking I can't handle Thanksgiving.
The real fact of the matter is, you can't handle Thanksgiving without me.
That is ridiculous.
- You need me.
- Lf there's one thing If there's one thing I don't need, it's you.
What is that? Oh, God, Gary! There's a fire! All right.
Dad! How many times do I have to tell you? - Don't put towels next to the flame.
- You know what, Gary? Thanks a lot, I can handle it.
No, really, you can't handle it.
Like I would ever depend on you for anything, like, ever again, Gary.
Gary! I cut my foot.
Please help me.
This is a giant cut here, kiddo.
- Oh, great.
- You're gonna need some stitches.
- Okay.
- Oh, my Oh, no.
Your dinner! Thanks, Mom.
Lot of blood down there.
Feeling woozy.
- Walter, you're pale as a ghost.
- No, actually, he's always that white.
Krandall, put your head between your legs.
- This is not a time for insults, Gary.
- It'll keep you from passing out.
Sorry.
With our history, I thought you meant something else entirely.
Hey, Charlie, pull the car around, okay? - Okay.
- We gotta take her to the hospital.
All right.
- Beer? - Sure.
- You wanna see my underwear? - No! They're stitching her up now.
You know, they said that's their fourth yam-related accident tonight.
- Thanksgiving, who knew? - Yeah, the holidays are nuts.
Don't get divorced, Charlie.
I mean, you're gonna lose half your stuff, half your money, and no matter what, your wife is still gonna find a way to yell at you.
You seem to be managing just fine.
Yeah, that's on the outside.
But when I'm home alone, on the inside, I get pretty sad and I cry a lot.
- Really? - No.
It's awesome.
Thank you.
Hey, Alligator.
How you doing? Well, great.
I got a couple stitches in my foot, my dinner is ruined, my parents are getting divorced and I got to hear a woman with a gunshot wound break up with her boyfriend, but not because of the gunshot wound.
Well, Ally, I'm not leaving your mother.
I was just blowing off steam.
- Thanks, Dad.
- Okay.
- There we go.
There it is.
- Yeah.
I'll go get the car.
How you doing there, Hot Wheels? I am so mad at myself for calling out your stupid name when I cut my foot.
My fiancé's a doctor, my dad's a doctor, and I, what do I do? I call for a painter I don't even like.
Don't be too hard on yourself.
You called for me by default, you know? Your mom was drunk, my dad was high, Krandall was woozy, and let's be honest, your dad's a chiropractor.
That doesn't really count.
I just I wasn't prepared for how hard this first holiday was gonna be, you know? - Yeah, the whole day was kind of weird.
- Weird? I stole a turkey, Gary.
I'm not proud of that.
Look.
I wasn't really ready to do it without you either because you're the only one that knows the way I like my pumpkin pie.
Dry.
Yeah.
I just don't think we've been apart long enough for me to get through the holidays, you know, without us all being together.
Well, you have the kids for Christmas, I could come by with them.
- No, I'll probably be ready by then.
- Oh, really? - Okay, that's fine then, isn't it? - Gary! This was a darn good dinner, everybody.
Can a brother get a "gobble, gobble" for the turkey? Gobble, gobble.
Ha! Well, I would like to thank everybody for salvaging what they could from my kitchen and bringing it over here.
And I would like to thank Connie for being my wife.
Well, thanks, Chuckles.
Put your shoes on.
We're not hillbillies.
Why is Grandpa Jack always eating? He just has a good appetite, Tom, okay? Well, then why does his shirt smell like my art teacher? That's incense, Tom.
Killer incense.