Get Smart (1965) s01e09 Episode Script
Satan Place
TAKE IT EASY, CHIEF.
NOW WATCH YOUR STEP.
SOMEDAY, MAX, SOMEDAY I'D LIKE TO LEAVE MY APARTMENT BY THE FRONT DOOR.
THESE PRECAUTIONS ARE NECESSARY, CHIEF.
AFTER ALL, YOU'RE A VERY IMPORTANT MAN AND WE NEVER KNOW WHAT THE ENEMY IS GONNA TRY AND DO NEXT.
I SUPPOSE YOU'RE RIGHT, BUT SOMEHOW OR ANOTHER IT DOESN'T SEEM DIGNIFIED.
SECURITY FIRST, CHIEF.
ANYWAY, I CERTAINLY HOPE YOU HAVE A NICE VACATION.
- YOU'VE GOT A GOOD REST COMING TO YOU.
- THANK YOU, MAX.
- SEE YOU ON MONDAY.
- YOU SURE YOU'VE GOT EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL? DON'T WORRY ABOUT A THING, CHIEF.
YOU CAN COUNT ON ME.
- OH! - OH, SORRY ABOUT THAT, CHIEF.
NEVER MIND, MAX.
JUST PUT THE BAGS IN THE TRUNK.
RIGHT, CHIEF.
NO SOONER SAID THAN DONE.
- ( engine grinding ) - CHIEF, HAVE YOU GOT A KEY-- WHAT'S THE MATTER, CHIEF.
CAN'T YOU GET IT STARTED? - DOESN'T SEEM TO TURN OVER.
- ( engine grinding ) WELL, NOW I DON'T CLAIM TO BE AN EXPERT ON THESE THINGS, BUT I'M WILLING TO MAKE A LARGE WAGER THAT I KNOW JUST WHERE THE TROUBLE IS.
- WHERE, MAX? - THE ENGINE.
GOOD THINKING.
YOU WANT TO TAKE A LOOK THERE? - WHERE? - IN THE ENGINE.
RIGHT, CHIEF.
OKAY, TRY HER NOW.
( engine starts ) MAX.
MAX! CARBURETOR.
MAX, COME ON! MAX, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? SOUNDS PRETTY GOOD NOW.
- YOU'RE GETTING A BACKFIRE.
- MAX!MAX! HELP ME! ( groans ) OKAY, CHIEF.
I'LL JUST TAKE THESE SUITCASES AND PUT 'EM IN THE TRUNK.
- ( tires screech ) - CHIEF! CHIEF, YOU FORGOT YOUR LUGGAGE! HURRY, HURRY, HURRY.
( theme music playing ) I'M SORRY, WINDISH, BUT I JUST CAN'T SUBSCRIBE TO THE THEORY THAT THE CHIEF MET WITH FOUL PLAY.
NOW LET'S FACE THE FACTS, 86.
THE AUTOMOBILE WAS FOUND ABANDONED 10 MILES AWAY ABOUT TWO HOURS AGO.
WE WENT OVER THE CAR VERY THOROUGHLY, MAX, AND WE FOUND A FEW THINGS.
- THEY'RE IN HERE.
- OH, THANK YOU, 99.
LET'S SEE WHAT WE'VE GOT HERE.
STRANDS OF HAIR, ODD-SHAPED PIECE OF METAL BUTTON AND THIS PIECE OF PAPER.
OKAY, WINDISH, NOW FOR A LITTLE BASIC DETECTIVE WORK.
- THIS SHOULD BE INTERESTING.
- GO AHEAD, MAX.
- WHAT'S YOUR CONCLUSION, MAX? - THE CHIEF HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED.
MAY I ASK WHICH ONE OF THESE ITEMS LED YOU TO THAT CONCLUSION? - THIS INNOCENT-LOOKING PIECE OF PAPER.
- WHY, MAX?WHAT IS IT? A RANSOM NOTE.
THEY WANT $200,000 FOR THE CHIEF, OR THEY'RE GOING TO KILL HIM.
NOW WHERE ARE WE GOING TO GET THAT KIND OF MONEY? COULDN'T WE ASK THE GOVERNMENT FOR HELP? ORGANIZATION.
NOT EVEN THE STATE DEPARTMENT KNOWS ABOUT US.
WE JUST CAN'T GO RUNNING TO THEM EVERY TIME WE'VE GOT A LITTLE PROBLEM.
THEN WHAT ABOUT CONGRESS, MAX? THEY COULD PUT THROUGH A SPECIAL APPROPRIATION.
- HOW LONG WOULD THAT TAKE? - THREE MONTHS.
- WELL, WHAT IF IT WAS AN EMERGENCY? - FOUR MONTHS.
- FORGET IT.
- I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT, MAX.
IT'S JUST THAT I'M SO WORRIED ABOUT OUR CHIEF.
WELL, I'M WORRIED ABOUT THE CHIEF TOO, 99.
MY GOSH.
THERE'S NO ONE FONDER OF THE CHIEF THAN I AM AND NO ONE CLOSER TO THE CHIEF.
BUT $200,000 AFTER ALL, HE IS A USED CHIEF.
MAX, MAYBE THIS IS SOMETHING THAT YOU SHOULD TAKE RIGHT TO THE TOP.
YOU MEAN, CALL HIM? OH, I COULDN'T DO THAT, 99.
MAYBE I CAN GET IN TOUCH WITH ONE OF HIS AIDES.
MAX, IT'S GOT TO BE HIM.
MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.
IT'S JUST THAT I HATE TO BOTHER HIM.
HE HAS SO MANY PROBLEMS NOW.
WELL, I'LL USE THE HOTLINE.
HELLO, SIR? UH, THIS IS MAXWELL SMART, AGENT 86 FROM CONTROL.
UH, FINE, THANK YOU, SIR.
UH, SIR, I DON'T EXACTLY KNOW HOW TO TELL YOU THIS, BUT, UH, OUR CHIEF HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED.
YES, WE THINK IT'S A SHAME TOO, SIR.
WELL, THEY WANT $200,000 FOR HIS RETURN, AND WE THOUGHT PERHAPS YOU COULD HELP US.
OH.
WELL, THANK YOU, SIR.
THAT'S VERY NICE OF YOU.
WE CERTAINLY APPRECIATE IT.
YES, SIR.
THANK YOU.
WHAT DID HE SAY, MAX? HE SAID TO PUT HIM DOWN FOR $12.
YOU'LL NEVER GET AWAY WITH THIS, WHOEVER YOU ARE.
I'M SORRY.
I NEGLECTED TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.
MY NAME IS SATAN-- HARVEY SATAN.
HOW LONG DO YOU THINK YOU CAN HOLD ME HERE BEFORE MY MEN FIND ME? THEY'LL NEVER FIND YOU HERE.
MY PRIVATE SANATORIUM IS TOO WELL HIDDEN.
BESIDES, YOU'LL BE BACK IN YOUR CONTROL HEADQUARTERS SOON ENOUGH, AFTER THEY'VE PAID YOUR RANSOM.
YOU MEAN THIS IS JUST A KIDNAPPING? NO, NOT JUST A KIDNAPPING.
AFTER YOUR ORGANIZATION HAS PAID THE $200,000 WE'RE ASKING FOR YOU, WE'LL SEND YOU BACK TO THEM, AND YOU'LL BE IN PERFECT HEALTH, BUT YOU'LL BE WORKING FOR KAOS.
THERE IS NO WAY YOU CAN FORCE ME TO WORK FOR KAOS.
AS WE SPEAK, AT THIS VERY MOMENT, A CERTAIN DR.
LAZLO VON HAVOC IS ON A PLANE FROM EUROPE.
I'VE NEVER MET THE MAN, BUT I'VE BEEN LED TO BELIEVE THAT HE CAN PERFORM THE MOST INCREDIBLE OPERATION THAT WILL TURN YOU INTO OUR WILLING SLAVE.
IMAGINE, RUDOLPH-- THE CHIEF OF CONTROL A KAOS MAN.
THE DOOR, RUDOLPH.
YOUR NEW QUARTERS.
RUDOLPH WHY ARE YOU PUTTING ME IN THERE? WE HAVE TO LOWER YOUR BODY TEMPERATURE FOR THE OPERATION TONIGHT.
I HOPE IT'S NOT TOO UNCOMFORTABLE.
MY ADVICE TO YOU, CHIEF, IS TRY TO STAY COOL.
Max: WE'LL NEVER GET $200,000.
THE LAB TECHNICIANS.
"43.
50-- LAB.
" WOW!HERE'S ONE FOR $500! $500? NOW THAT'S GREAT.
NOW WE'RE GETTING SOMEPLACE.
WHO'S THAT FROM? - THE BOYS IN COUNTERFEITING.
- "COUNTERFEIT--" ONLY A FEW MORE CHANCES LEFT ON OUR PUNCHBOARD.
TAKE A CHANCE ON OUR CHIEF.
GET THEM NOW.
ONLY A FEW MORE LEFT.
- ( phone rings ) - THAT'S THE CHIEF'S SPECIAL PHONE.
- SHOULD WE ANSWER IT? - THAT'S HIS PRIVATE WIRE.
I'M GOING TO ANSWER IT.
( continues ringing ) ( phone continues ringing ) MAXWELL SMART, AGENT 86 HERE.
WOULD YOU MIND REPEATING THAT PLEASE? Satan: I said I'm speaking for your chief.
If you wish to see him again alive, pay close attention to my instructions.
- GET A TRACER ON THIS CALL, HODGKINS.
- Don't do it, Hodgkins.
- GO AHEAD, HODGKINS.
- Stay there, Hodgkins.
At 8:00 this evening, one of your agents will take the ransom money and carry it in a suitcase into Municipal Park.
Enter the park by the southwest entrance and keep walking.
You'll receive further instructions in the park.
One agent, no more, or your chief will be killed.
WAIT A MINUTE.
HOW DO WE KNOW YOU REALLY HAVE THE CHIEF? Well, who else knows about his abduction besides you and me? ( chuckles ) - All right, Hodgkins, you can go now.
- ( line clicks ) - YES, SIR.
- HODGKINS, COME BACK HERE.
GET A BRIEFCASE AND FILL IT WITH ALL THE MONEY WE'VE COLLECTED.
- AND DON'T WASTE ANY TIME.
THERE'S NO TIME TO LOSE.
- YES, 86.
- WHAT'S YOUR PLAN, MAX? - I'M GOING INTO THAT PARK.
- ALONE? - ALONE.
BUT, MAX, YOU'LL BE IN TERRIBLE DANGER.
I KNOW.
THOSE PARKS ARE MURDER AT NIGHT.
Satan: DON'T TURN AROUND.
TAKE TWO STEPS BACKWARDS.
THE BRIEFCASE.
JUST A MINUTE.
HOW DO I KNOW WE'LL GET THE CHIEF BACK? DON'T WORRY, YOU'LL GET HIM.
SATAN ALWAYS KEEPS HIS WORD.
SATAN? HARVEY SATAN OF KAOS? - THAT'S RIGHT.
- HMM, I THOUGHT HE WAS IN JAIL.
WASN'T HE CONVICTED OF ARSON, TREASON, INSURRECTION AND MASS MURDER? HE GOT TIME OFF FOR GOOD BEHAVIOR.
- DON'T TRY TO FOLLOW ME.
- DON'T WORRY, I WOULDN'T THINK OF IT.
HELLO, CONTROL CENTRAL? THIS IS AGENT 86.
STAND BY TO EXECUTE CHECKPOINT TRACKING PLAN ON HARVEY SATAN.
ARE ALL OUR AGENTS AT THEIR PROPER CHECKPOINTS? GOOD.
I'M PUTTING A HOLD ON MY SHOE AND SWITCHING TO MY WALLET.
HELLO, CHECKPOINT CHARLIE? IS THAT YOU, 99? PICK UP SUSPECT AT WEST STREET EXIT.
YES, THAT WOULD BE NORTH ON LEONARD STREET.
UH-HUH.
HE'S IN HIS CAR? GOOD.
HELLO, CENTRAL? I'M SWITCHING TO MY EYEGLASSES.
PUT A HOLD ON MY WALLET, BUT KEEP MY SHOE OPEN.
HELLO, CHECKPOINT BAKER? SUSPECT IS HEADING YOUR WAY.
WHERE?EAST ON WYCKOFF AVENUE, EH? ALL RIGHT, MOVE OUT AT A SAFE DISTANCE.
CONTROL CENTRAL, I'M SWITCHING TO MY TIE.
HELLO?HELLO? HELLO? HELLO, CONTROL CENTRAL? WHAT'S THE MATTER? OH, MY TIE IS BUSY.
WELL, UH, PUT ME ON MY HANDKERCHIEF, EXTENSION FOUR.
( line ringing ) NEVER MIND THE HANDKERCHIEF, CENTRAL.
MY BELT IS RINGING.
( ringing ) HELLO? CHECKPOINT EASY? YES.
I'LL BE RIGHT WITH YOU.
HOLD ON.
HELLO, CENTRAL? CANCEL MY HANDKERCHIEF, HOLD MY GLASSES, CUT OFF MY SHOE, AND SEE IF YOU CAN GET THAT GUY OFF MY TIE.
( line ringing ) HELLO?HELLO? HELLO, ZEBRA? LISTEN, THERE'S A LITTLE STATIC ON MY GARTER.
COULD YOU SPEAK UP? AH, GOOD.
THAT'S MUCH BETTER.
UH-HUH.
THE CAR HAS PULLED UP TO A PRIVATE SANATORIUM? HMM.
THAT MUST BE SATAN'S HIDEOUT.
WHAT'S THE NAME OF THE SANATORIUM? I SHOULD'VE GUESSED IT.
"SATAN PLACE.
" IT LOOKS IMPENETRABLE, MAX.
I KNOW, 99, BUT IT'S THE ONLY WAY.
WE CAN'T FORCE OUR WAY IN OR THEY'LL KILL THE CHIEF.
- I THINK WE'D BETTER TAKE A CLOSER LOOK AROUND.
- RIGHT.
- I'LL CHECK THE WALL.
- WATCH IT, 99! - HAVE YOU GOT A HAIRPIN? - NO.
- I'VE GOT ONE.
- MAX! I USE IT FOR PICKING LOCKS.
STAND BACK, 99.
JUST AS I THOUGHT-- ELECTRIC GRASS.
NOW HOW ARE WE GONNA GET IN THERE? I KNOW.
WHAT ABOUT THE GREEN VOLT MANEUVER? HMM, THAT MIGHT JUST WORK.
UH-HUH.
LOOK, 99.
HERE'S THE WIRE.
AND HERE'S THE PLUG.
LOOK.
NO WONDER WE COULDN'T FIND IT.
THE NIGHT LIGHT FELL OUT.
GET OVER THAT WALL.
IT'S TOO HIGH TO JUMP.
WHAT HAVE WE GOT IN THE TOOL KIT? UM OH, TRY THIS, MAX.
HOW AM I GONNA GET OVER THE WALL WITH A TELESCOPE? THAT'S NOT A TELESCOPE, MAX.
IT'S A VAULTING POLE.
- OH, GOOD.
I'LL GO FIRST, AND YOU FOLLOW ME.
- RIGHT.
( gasps ) - WHAT ELSE HAVE YOU GOT, 99? - THESE CATERPILLAR SHOES.
OH, GOOD.
THESE SUCTION CUPS WILL FIT TO PRACTICALLY ANYTHING.
I'LL TAKE THEM-- MAX, LOOK OUT.
( whispering ) IT'S A TAXICAB.
- ( car door shuts ) - THERE ARE TWO PEOPLE GETTING OUT.
THEY'RE COMING THIS WAY.
WE'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE.
- KNOCK THIS INTO THE BUSHES AND COVER IT.
- RIGHT.
GET BEHIND THIS TREE.
- WHAT IS IT, DOCTOR? - ( German accent ) LET ME SEE YOUR FLASHLIGHT.
I THINK THIS TAXI DRIVER SHORTCHANGED ME.
Woman: I HOPE MR.
SATAN HAS PREPARED THE PATIENT FOR SURGERY, DR.
VON HAVOC.
I'M SURE HE HAS.
I'VE GIVEN HIM FULL INSTRUCTIONS.
- BY PHONE? - NO, I'VE NEVER TALKED TO THE MAN.
WE ALWAYS COMMUNICATE BY MAIL.
PARDON ME, - ARE YOU LOOKING FOR HARVEY SATAN? - WHY, YES.
- WOULD YOU STEP THIS WAY, PLEASE? - WHICH WAY? ( German accent ) DAT VAY.
- 99, RING THE BELL.
- RIGHT.
( bell rings ) ( German accent ) GOOD EVENING.
I AM DR.
VON HAVOC, AND THIS IS MY ASSISTANT.
WE'VE BEEN EXPECTING YOU, DOCTOR.
PLEASE, HURRY.
SATAN WANTS TO GET THIS OVER AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE.
( clicks heels ) WE'VE DONE EVERYTHING ACCORDING TO THE INSTRUCTIONS WE RECEIVED FROM KAOS, DR.
VON HAVOC.
AH, THAT IS GOOD, THAT IS GOOD.
YOU HAVE DONE WELL, MR.
SATAN.
( testily ) I ALWAYS DO WELL, DR, VON HAVOC.
YOUR PATIENT IS READY.
HIS BODY TEMPERATURE IS PRECISELY AS REQUESTED.
AH, THAT IS GOOD.
WHERE IS THE PATIENT? BRING HIM IN, PLEASE.
RUDOLPH, GREGOR.
AH.
YES, OF COURSE.
NOT MUCH OF A SPECIMEN, MR.
SATAN, BUT WE'LL DO WHAT WE CAN.
AND NOW IF YOU DON'T MIND, GENTLEMEN, MY ASSISTANT AND I WOULD LIKE TO BE LEFT ALONE WITH THE PATIENT.
CERTAINLY, DR.
VON HAVOC.
RUDOLPH.
- ( door shuts ) - LOOK, 99.
HE'S FROZEN SOLID.
- POOR CHIEF! - LET'S GET HIM OUT OF HERE.
RIGHT.
CHIEF? IT'S ME, MAX.
CAN YOU HEAR ME? ( loud tapping ) MAX, WHY DON'T YOU TRY TO CONTACT HEADQUARTERS? HMM, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA, 99.
I'LL CALL THEM ON MY SHOE, AND YOU BREATHE HEAVILY ON THE CHIEF.
HELLO, CONTROL HEADQUARTERS? SMART HERE.
HOW SOON CAN YOU MOVE IN ON SATAN PLACE? GOOD.
BRING ROPES, GUNS, OF HOT COFFEE.
- HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR COFFEE, 99? - UH, CREAM AND SUGAR.
ONE WITH CREAM AND SUGAR AND ONE BLACK.
HOW ABOUT YOU, CHIEF? - MM.
- UH, CANCEL ONE OF THE COFFEES AND MAKE IT TEA.
RIGHT.
WELL, THEY'LL BE HERE IN 10 MINUTES.
WE'VE GOT TO STALL UNTIL THEY GET HERE.
OH, MAX, HE'LL NEVER BE THAWED OUT IN TIME.
WELL, WE'LL JUST HAVE TO TRY AND TAKE HIM OUT THE WAY HE IS.
( exhales ) RIGHT.
- CAREFUL.
YOU'LL CRACK HIM.
- WELL, DOCTORS? - WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? - AH, MR.
SATAN! HOW FORTUNATE YOU ARRIVED JUST IN TIME.
THE PRISONER WAS TRYING TO ESCAPE.
RIGHT.
WE CAUGHT HIM JUST IN TIME.
HOW COULD HE MOVE WHEN HE'S FROZEN SOLID? THAT IS NOT MY PROBLEM.
I AM JUST THE DOCTOR HERE.
YOU WILL HAVE TO ASK HIM THAT YOURSELF.
AND NOW IF YOU GENTLEMEN DON'T MIND, I WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF YOU WOULD PUT THE PATIENT ON THE OPERATING TABLE.
YES, RUDOLPH.
PUT THE PATIENT ON THE OPERATING TABLE.
WE'VE GOT TO DELAY THE OPERATION UNTIL I CAN FIGURE SOMETHING OUT.
MOST PECULIAR, RUDOLPH.
MOST PECULIAR.
GREGOR, I WANT YOU TO WATCH THE DOCTOR CLOSELY.
- RUDOLPH, GO OUT AND CHECK THE GROUNDS.
- YES, SIR.
DOCTOR, I WANT YOUR PATIENT OUT OF HERE WITHIN THE HOUR.
- UH, WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT OTHER MAN, RUDOLPH? - OUT ON THE GROUNDS.
I SENT HIM OUT TO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING WAS IN ORDER.
WELL, DOCTOR, ARE YOU READY TO BEGIN? UH, YES, WE'LL BEGIN JUST AS SOON AS THE DOCTOR WASHES HIS HANDS.
MY HANDS? AH, YES, OF COURSE! MY HANDS.
I WILL COMMENCE WITH THE OPERATION AS SOON AS I HAVE WASHED MY HANDS.
I DON'T SUPPOSE I HAVE TIME TO BRUSH MY TEETH? AH, I DIDN'T THINK SO.
AMERICANS! EVERYTHING IS RUSH RUSH RUSH! NO WONDER YOU NEVER GET ANYTHING DONE.
ACTUALLY, THIS ROOM IS NOT COLD ENOUGH FOR THE OPERATION.
- YOUR GLOVES, DOCTOR.
- AH, GOOD.
- WHY'D YOU TURN THE TEMPERATURE DOWN? - I CAN'T EXPLAIN NOW.
JUST KEEP STALLING, AND WHEN I GIVE YOU THE SIGNAL, TURN ON THAT FAUCET WITH THE HOSE ATTACHED.
- RIGHT.
- AH! - NOW IF WE CAN JUST TAKE THE PATIENT'S TEMPERATURE.
- OH, RIGHT.
- YOUR THERMOMETER, DOCTOR.
- AH, GOOD.
( glass shatters ) SWEEP THAT UP AND PUT IT UNDER THE PATIENT'S TONGUE.
UH, NEVER MIND THE THERMOMETER, NURSE.
I THINK IT IS TIME TO GET ON WITH THE OPERATION.
NOW IF YOU WOULD JUST LAY OUT THE INSTRUMENTS.
- HERE WE GO.
- AH, GOOD.
AH!BUT THEY ARE NOT IN THE RIGHT PLACES.
THIS IS THE EUROPEAN STYLE.
THIS OPERATION IS ON THE AMERICAN PLAN.
I WILL SHOW YOU.
DOCTOR, I THINK YOU'D BETTER OPERATE RIGHT NOW.
HE CAN'T OPERATE.
HE'S NOT DR.
VON HAVOC.
I FOUND DR.
VON HAVOC AND HIS ASSISTANT OUTSIDE THE WALL.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I AM NOT DR.
VON HAVOC.
I'M MAXWELL SMART, SECRET AGENT 86.
NOW, 99! - IT WORKED, 99! - WHAT GAVE YOU THE IDEA, MAX? THE FROZEN WATER IN THIS SINK.
THAT'S THE END OF SATAN PLACE.
YES, AND THAT'S THE END OF THOSE THREE HARDENED CRIMINALS.
MAX, WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE DONE IF YOUR PLAN TO FREEZE THEM HADN'T WORKED? - I HAD AN ALTERNATE PLAN.
- WHAT WAS THAT? ( German accent ) I WAS GOING TO GO RIGHT AHEAD AND OPERATE ON THE CHIEF.
( mumbling ) WELL, CHIEF, WHO DOES IT FEEL TO BE BACK SAFE AND WARM IN YOUR OWN OFFICE AGAIN? WAIT A MINUTE.
WHERE'S MY PAINTING? WHERE'S MY DESK SET? - MY CHAIR! - IT'S ALL RIGHT, CHIEF.
IT'S JUST THAT WE HAD TO RAISE THE MONEY FOR YOUR RANSOM.
YOU SOLD ALL MY OFFICE FURNITURE? AUCTIONED, CHIEF.
NOT SOLD.
WELL, WHERE'S THE $200,000? WELL, WE DIDN'T QUITE GET THAT MUCH, CHIEF.
AM I GETTING WARM? WELL, CHIEF, LET'S LOOK AT IT THIS WAY-- UH, YOU REMEMBER TENNYSON'S POEM, "CANNONS TO THE LEFT OF THEM, CANNONS TO THE RIGHT OF THEM, INTO THE VALLEY OF DEATH RODE THE" - 600.
- RIGHT.
$600? THAT'S ALL? WHY DON'T YOU GO HOME AND GET SOME REST? YOU'LL GET A LITTLE SLEEP, YOU'LL GET WARM, AND WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT ON MONDAY.
I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT.
HAVE THEM SEND AROUND MY CAR.
- UH, MY CAR, CHIEF.
- WHAT? - I WON IT IN THE RAFFLE.
I WON IT FAIR AND SQUARE.
- YOU WON MY CAR? YEAH, BUT THAT'S OKAY, CHIEF.
YOU CAN HAVE IT ON WEEKNIGHTS.
( muttering ) HE WANTS TO GO BACK TO THE ICEBOX.
( theme music plays )
NOW WATCH YOUR STEP.
SOMEDAY, MAX, SOMEDAY I'D LIKE TO LEAVE MY APARTMENT BY THE FRONT DOOR.
THESE PRECAUTIONS ARE NECESSARY, CHIEF.
AFTER ALL, YOU'RE A VERY IMPORTANT MAN AND WE NEVER KNOW WHAT THE ENEMY IS GONNA TRY AND DO NEXT.
I SUPPOSE YOU'RE RIGHT, BUT SOMEHOW OR ANOTHER IT DOESN'T SEEM DIGNIFIED.
SECURITY FIRST, CHIEF.
ANYWAY, I CERTAINLY HOPE YOU HAVE A NICE VACATION.
- YOU'VE GOT A GOOD REST COMING TO YOU.
- THANK YOU, MAX.
- SEE YOU ON MONDAY.
- YOU SURE YOU'VE GOT EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL? DON'T WORRY ABOUT A THING, CHIEF.
YOU CAN COUNT ON ME.
- OH! - OH, SORRY ABOUT THAT, CHIEF.
NEVER MIND, MAX.
JUST PUT THE BAGS IN THE TRUNK.
RIGHT, CHIEF.
NO SOONER SAID THAN DONE.
- ( engine grinding ) - CHIEF, HAVE YOU GOT A KEY-- WHAT'S THE MATTER, CHIEF.
CAN'T YOU GET IT STARTED? - DOESN'T SEEM TO TURN OVER.
- ( engine grinding ) WELL, NOW I DON'T CLAIM TO BE AN EXPERT ON THESE THINGS, BUT I'M WILLING TO MAKE A LARGE WAGER THAT I KNOW JUST WHERE THE TROUBLE IS.
- WHERE, MAX? - THE ENGINE.
GOOD THINKING.
YOU WANT TO TAKE A LOOK THERE? - WHERE? - IN THE ENGINE.
RIGHT, CHIEF.
OKAY, TRY HER NOW.
( engine starts ) MAX.
MAX! CARBURETOR.
MAX, COME ON! MAX, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? SOUNDS PRETTY GOOD NOW.
- YOU'RE GETTING A BACKFIRE.
- MAX!MAX! HELP ME! ( groans ) OKAY, CHIEF.
I'LL JUST TAKE THESE SUITCASES AND PUT 'EM IN THE TRUNK.
- ( tires screech ) - CHIEF! CHIEF, YOU FORGOT YOUR LUGGAGE! HURRY, HURRY, HURRY.
( theme music playing ) I'M SORRY, WINDISH, BUT I JUST CAN'T SUBSCRIBE TO THE THEORY THAT THE CHIEF MET WITH FOUL PLAY.
NOW LET'S FACE THE FACTS, 86.
THE AUTOMOBILE WAS FOUND ABANDONED 10 MILES AWAY ABOUT TWO HOURS AGO.
WE WENT OVER THE CAR VERY THOROUGHLY, MAX, AND WE FOUND A FEW THINGS.
- THEY'RE IN HERE.
- OH, THANK YOU, 99.
LET'S SEE WHAT WE'VE GOT HERE.
STRANDS OF HAIR, ODD-SHAPED PIECE OF METAL BUTTON AND THIS PIECE OF PAPER.
OKAY, WINDISH, NOW FOR A LITTLE BASIC DETECTIVE WORK.
- THIS SHOULD BE INTERESTING.
- GO AHEAD, MAX.
- WHAT'S YOUR CONCLUSION, MAX? - THE CHIEF HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED.
MAY I ASK WHICH ONE OF THESE ITEMS LED YOU TO THAT CONCLUSION? - THIS INNOCENT-LOOKING PIECE OF PAPER.
- WHY, MAX?WHAT IS IT? A RANSOM NOTE.
THEY WANT $200,000 FOR THE CHIEF, OR THEY'RE GOING TO KILL HIM.
NOW WHERE ARE WE GOING TO GET THAT KIND OF MONEY? COULDN'T WE ASK THE GOVERNMENT FOR HELP? ORGANIZATION.
NOT EVEN THE STATE DEPARTMENT KNOWS ABOUT US.
WE JUST CAN'T GO RUNNING TO THEM EVERY TIME WE'VE GOT A LITTLE PROBLEM.
THEN WHAT ABOUT CONGRESS, MAX? THEY COULD PUT THROUGH A SPECIAL APPROPRIATION.
- HOW LONG WOULD THAT TAKE? - THREE MONTHS.
- WELL, WHAT IF IT WAS AN EMERGENCY? - FOUR MONTHS.
- FORGET IT.
- I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT, MAX.
IT'S JUST THAT I'M SO WORRIED ABOUT OUR CHIEF.
WELL, I'M WORRIED ABOUT THE CHIEF TOO, 99.
MY GOSH.
THERE'S NO ONE FONDER OF THE CHIEF THAN I AM AND NO ONE CLOSER TO THE CHIEF.
BUT $200,000 AFTER ALL, HE IS A USED CHIEF.
MAX, MAYBE THIS IS SOMETHING THAT YOU SHOULD TAKE RIGHT TO THE TOP.
YOU MEAN, CALL HIM? OH, I COULDN'T DO THAT, 99.
MAYBE I CAN GET IN TOUCH WITH ONE OF HIS AIDES.
MAX, IT'S GOT TO BE HIM.
MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.
IT'S JUST THAT I HATE TO BOTHER HIM.
HE HAS SO MANY PROBLEMS NOW.
WELL, I'LL USE THE HOTLINE.
HELLO, SIR? UH, THIS IS MAXWELL SMART, AGENT 86 FROM CONTROL.
UH, FINE, THANK YOU, SIR.
UH, SIR, I DON'T EXACTLY KNOW HOW TO TELL YOU THIS, BUT, UH, OUR CHIEF HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED.
YES, WE THINK IT'S A SHAME TOO, SIR.
WELL, THEY WANT $200,000 FOR HIS RETURN, AND WE THOUGHT PERHAPS YOU COULD HELP US.
OH.
WELL, THANK YOU, SIR.
THAT'S VERY NICE OF YOU.
WE CERTAINLY APPRECIATE IT.
YES, SIR.
THANK YOU.
WHAT DID HE SAY, MAX? HE SAID TO PUT HIM DOWN FOR $12.
YOU'LL NEVER GET AWAY WITH THIS, WHOEVER YOU ARE.
I'M SORRY.
I NEGLECTED TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.
MY NAME IS SATAN-- HARVEY SATAN.
HOW LONG DO YOU THINK YOU CAN HOLD ME HERE BEFORE MY MEN FIND ME? THEY'LL NEVER FIND YOU HERE.
MY PRIVATE SANATORIUM IS TOO WELL HIDDEN.
BESIDES, YOU'LL BE BACK IN YOUR CONTROL HEADQUARTERS SOON ENOUGH, AFTER THEY'VE PAID YOUR RANSOM.
YOU MEAN THIS IS JUST A KIDNAPPING? NO, NOT JUST A KIDNAPPING.
AFTER YOUR ORGANIZATION HAS PAID THE $200,000 WE'RE ASKING FOR YOU, WE'LL SEND YOU BACK TO THEM, AND YOU'LL BE IN PERFECT HEALTH, BUT YOU'LL BE WORKING FOR KAOS.
THERE IS NO WAY YOU CAN FORCE ME TO WORK FOR KAOS.
AS WE SPEAK, AT THIS VERY MOMENT, A CERTAIN DR.
LAZLO VON HAVOC IS ON A PLANE FROM EUROPE.
I'VE NEVER MET THE MAN, BUT I'VE BEEN LED TO BELIEVE THAT HE CAN PERFORM THE MOST INCREDIBLE OPERATION THAT WILL TURN YOU INTO OUR WILLING SLAVE.
IMAGINE, RUDOLPH-- THE CHIEF OF CONTROL A KAOS MAN.
THE DOOR, RUDOLPH.
YOUR NEW QUARTERS.
RUDOLPH WHY ARE YOU PUTTING ME IN THERE? WE HAVE TO LOWER YOUR BODY TEMPERATURE FOR THE OPERATION TONIGHT.
I HOPE IT'S NOT TOO UNCOMFORTABLE.
MY ADVICE TO YOU, CHIEF, IS TRY TO STAY COOL.
Max: WE'LL NEVER GET $200,000.
THE LAB TECHNICIANS.
"43.
50-- LAB.
" WOW!HERE'S ONE FOR $500! $500? NOW THAT'S GREAT.
NOW WE'RE GETTING SOMEPLACE.
WHO'S THAT FROM? - THE BOYS IN COUNTERFEITING.
- "COUNTERFEIT--" ONLY A FEW MORE CHANCES LEFT ON OUR PUNCHBOARD.
TAKE A CHANCE ON OUR CHIEF.
GET THEM NOW.
ONLY A FEW MORE LEFT.
- ( phone rings ) - THAT'S THE CHIEF'S SPECIAL PHONE.
- SHOULD WE ANSWER IT? - THAT'S HIS PRIVATE WIRE.
I'M GOING TO ANSWER IT.
( continues ringing ) ( phone continues ringing ) MAXWELL SMART, AGENT 86 HERE.
WOULD YOU MIND REPEATING THAT PLEASE? Satan: I said I'm speaking for your chief.
If you wish to see him again alive, pay close attention to my instructions.
- GET A TRACER ON THIS CALL, HODGKINS.
- Don't do it, Hodgkins.
- GO AHEAD, HODGKINS.
- Stay there, Hodgkins.
At 8:00 this evening, one of your agents will take the ransom money and carry it in a suitcase into Municipal Park.
Enter the park by the southwest entrance and keep walking.
You'll receive further instructions in the park.
One agent, no more, or your chief will be killed.
WAIT A MINUTE.
HOW DO WE KNOW YOU REALLY HAVE THE CHIEF? Well, who else knows about his abduction besides you and me? ( chuckles ) - All right, Hodgkins, you can go now.
- ( line clicks ) - YES, SIR.
- HODGKINS, COME BACK HERE.
GET A BRIEFCASE AND FILL IT WITH ALL THE MONEY WE'VE COLLECTED.
- AND DON'T WASTE ANY TIME.
THERE'S NO TIME TO LOSE.
- YES, 86.
- WHAT'S YOUR PLAN, MAX? - I'M GOING INTO THAT PARK.
- ALONE? - ALONE.
BUT, MAX, YOU'LL BE IN TERRIBLE DANGER.
I KNOW.
THOSE PARKS ARE MURDER AT NIGHT.
Satan: DON'T TURN AROUND.
TAKE TWO STEPS BACKWARDS.
THE BRIEFCASE.
JUST A MINUTE.
HOW DO I KNOW WE'LL GET THE CHIEF BACK? DON'T WORRY, YOU'LL GET HIM.
SATAN ALWAYS KEEPS HIS WORD.
SATAN? HARVEY SATAN OF KAOS? - THAT'S RIGHT.
- HMM, I THOUGHT HE WAS IN JAIL.
WASN'T HE CONVICTED OF ARSON, TREASON, INSURRECTION AND MASS MURDER? HE GOT TIME OFF FOR GOOD BEHAVIOR.
- DON'T TRY TO FOLLOW ME.
- DON'T WORRY, I WOULDN'T THINK OF IT.
HELLO, CONTROL CENTRAL? THIS IS AGENT 86.
STAND BY TO EXECUTE CHECKPOINT TRACKING PLAN ON HARVEY SATAN.
ARE ALL OUR AGENTS AT THEIR PROPER CHECKPOINTS? GOOD.
I'M PUTTING A HOLD ON MY SHOE AND SWITCHING TO MY WALLET.
HELLO, CHECKPOINT CHARLIE? IS THAT YOU, 99? PICK UP SUSPECT AT WEST STREET EXIT.
YES, THAT WOULD BE NORTH ON LEONARD STREET.
UH-HUH.
HE'S IN HIS CAR? GOOD.
HELLO, CENTRAL? I'M SWITCHING TO MY EYEGLASSES.
PUT A HOLD ON MY WALLET, BUT KEEP MY SHOE OPEN.
HELLO, CHECKPOINT BAKER? SUSPECT IS HEADING YOUR WAY.
WHERE?EAST ON WYCKOFF AVENUE, EH? ALL RIGHT, MOVE OUT AT A SAFE DISTANCE.
CONTROL CENTRAL, I'M SWITCHING TO MY TIE.
HELLO?HELLO? HELLO? HELLO, CONTROL CENTRAL? WHAT'S THE MATTER? OH, MY TIE IS BUSY.
WELL, UH, PUT ME ON MY HANDKERCHIEF, EXTENSION FOUR.
( line ringing ) NEVER MIND THE HANDKERCHIEF, CENTRAL.
MY BELT IS RINGING.
( ringing ) HELLO? CHECKPOINT EASY? YES.
I'LL BE RIGHT WITH YOU.
HOLD ON.
HELLO, CENTRAL? CANCEL MY HANDKERCHIEF, HOLD MY GLASSES, CUT OFF MY SHOE, AND SEE IF YOU CAN GET THAT GUY OFF MY TIE.
( line ringing ) HELLO?HELLO? HELLO, ZEBRA? LISTEN, THERE'S A LITTLE STATIC ON MY GARTER.
COULD YOU SPEAK UP? AH, GOOD.
THAT'S MUCH BETTER.
UH-HUH.
THE CAR HAS PULLED UP TO A PRIVATE SANATORIUM? HMM.
THAT MUST BE SATAN'S HIDEOUT.
WHAT'S THE NAME OF THE SANATORIUM? I SHOULD'VE GUESSED IT.
"SATAN PLACE.
" IT LOOKS IMPENETRABLE, MAX.
I KNOW, 99, BUT IT'S THE ONLY WAY.
WE CAN'T FORCE OUR WAY IN OR THEY'LL KILL THE CHIEF.
- I THINK WE'D BETTER TAKE A CLOSER LOOK AROUND.
- RIGHT.
- I'LL CHECK THE WALL.
- WATCH IT, 99! - HAVE YOU GOT A HAIRPIN? - NO.
- I'VE GOT ONE.
- MAX! I USE IT FOR PICKING LOCKS.
STAND BACK, 99.
JUST AS I THOUGHT-- ELECTRIC GRASS.
NOW HOW ARE WE GONNA GET IN THERE? I KNOW.
WHAT ABOUT THE GREEN VOLT MANEUVER? HMM, THAT MIGHT JUST WORK.
UH-HUH.
LOOK, 99.
HERE'S THE WIRE.
AND HERE'S THE PLUG.
LOOK.
NO WONDER WE COULDN'T FIND IT.
THE NIGHT LIGHT FELL OUT.
GET OVER THAT WALL.
IT'S TOO HIGH TO JUMP.
WHAT HAVE WE GOT IN THE TOOL KIT? UM OH, TRY THIS, MAX.
HOW AM I GONNA GET OVER THE WALL WITH A TELESCOPE? THAT'S NOT A TELESCOPE, MAX.
IT'S A VAULTING POLE.
- OH, GOOD.
I'LL GO FIRST, AND YOU FOLLOW ME.
- RIGHT.
( gasps ) - WHAT ELSE HAVE YOU GOT, 99? - THESE CATERPILLAR SHOES.
OH, GOOD.
THESE SUCTION CUPS WILL FIT TO PRACTICALLY ANYTHING.
I'LL TAKE THEM-- MAX, LOOK OUT.
( whispering ) IT'S A TAXICAB.
- ( car door shuts ) - THERE ARE TWO PEOPLE GETTING OUT.
THEY'RE COMING THIS WAY.
WE'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE.
- KNOCK THIS INTO THE BUSHES AND COVER IT.
- RIGHT.
GET BEHIND THIS TREE.
- WHAT IS IT, DOCTOR? - ( German accent ) LET ME SEE YOUR FLASHLIGHT.
I THINK THIS TAXI DRIVER SHORTCHANGED ME.
Woman: I HOPE MR.
SATAN HAS PREPARED THE PATIENT FOR SURGERY, DR.
VON HAVOC.
I'M SURE HE HAS.
I'VE GIVEN HIM FULL INSTRUCTIONS.
- BY PHONE? - NO, I'VE NEVER TALKED TO THE MAN.
WE ALWAYS COMMUNICATE BY MAIL.
PARDON ME, - ARE YOU LOOKING FOR HARVEY SATAN? - WHY, YES.
- WOULD YOU STEP THIS WAY, PLEASE? - WHICH WAY? ( German accent ) DAT VAY.
- 99, RING THE BELL.
- RIGHT.
( bell rings ) ( German accent ) GOOD EVENING.
I AM DR.
VON HAVOC, AND THIS IS MY ASSISTANT.
WE'VE BEEN EXPECTING YOU, DOCTOR.
PLEASE, HURRY.
SATAN WANTS TO GET THIS OVER AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE.
( clicks heels ) WE'VE DONE EVERYTHING ACCORDING TO THE INSTRUCTIONS WE RECEIVED FROM KAOS, DR.
VON HAVOC.
AH, THAT IS GOOD, THAT IS GOOD.
YOU HAVE DONE WELL, MR.
SATAN.
( testily ) I ALWAYS DO WELL, DR, VON HAVOC.
YOUR PATIENT IS READY.
HIS BODY TEMPERATURE IS PRECISELY AS REQUESTED.
AH, THAT IS GOOD.
WHERE IS THE PATIENT? BRING HIM IN, PLEASE.
RUDOLPH, GREGOR.
AH.
YES, OF COURSE.
NOT MUCH OF A SPECIMEN, MR.
SATAN, BUT WE'LL DO WHAT WE CAN.
AND NOW IF YOU DON'T MIND, GENTLEMEN, MY ASSISTANT AND I WOULD LIKE TO BE LEFT ALONE WITH THE PATIENT.
CERTAINLY, DR.
VON HAVOC.
RUDOLPH.
- ( door shuts ) - LOOK, 99.
HE'S FROZEN SOLID.
- POOR CHIEF! - LET'S GET HIM OUT OF HERE.
RIGHT.
CHIEF? IT'S ME, MAX.
CAN YOU HEAR ME? ( loud tapping ) MAX, WHY DON'T YOU TRY TO CONTACT HEADQUARTERS? HMM, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA, 99.
I'LL CALL THEM ON MY SHOE, AND YOU BREATHE HEAVILY ON THE CHIEF.
HELLO, CONTROL HEADQUARTERS? SMART HERE.
HOW SOON CAN YOU MOVE IN ON SATAN PLACE? GOOD.
BRING ROPES, GUNS, OF HOT COFFEE.
- HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR COFFEE, 99? - UH, CREAM AND SUGAR.
ONE WITH CREAM AND SUGAR AND ONE BLACK.
HOW ABOUT YOU, CHIEF? - MM.
- UH, CANCEL ONE OF THE COFFEES AND MAKE IT TEA.
RIGHT.
WELL, THEY'LL BE HERE IN 10 MINUTES.
WE'VE GOT TO STALL UNTIL THEY GET HERE.
OH, MAX, HE'LL NEVER BE THAWED OUT IN TIME.
WELL, WE'LL JUST HAVE TO TRY AND TAKE HIM OUT THE WAY HE IS.
( exhales ) RIGHT.
- CAREFUL.
YOU'LL CRACK HIM.
- WELL, DOCTORS? - WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? - AH, MR.
SATAN! HOW FORTUNATE YOU ARRIVED JUST IN TIME.
THE PRISONER WAS TRYING TO ESCAPE.
RIGHT.
WE CAUGHT HIM JUST IN TIME.
HOW COULD HE MOVE WHEN HE'S FROZEN SOLID? THAT IS NOT MY PROBLEM.
I AM JUST THE DOCTOR HERE.
YOU WILL HAVE TO ASK HIM THAT YOURSELF.
AND NOW IF YOU GENTLEMEN DON'T MIND, I WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF YOU WOULD PUT THE PATIENT ON THE OPERATING TABLE.
YES, RUDOLPH.
PUT THE PATIENT ON THE OPERATING TABLE.
WE'VE GOT TO DELAY THE OPERATION UNTIL I CAN FIGURE SOMETHING OUT.
MOST PECULIAR, RUDOLPH.
MOST PECULIAR.
GREGOR, I WANT YOU TO WATCH THE DOCTOR CLOSELY.
- RUDOLPH, GO OUT AND CHECK THE GROUNDS.
- YES, SIR.
DOCTOR, I WANT YOUR PATIENT OUT OF HERE WITHIN THE HOUR.
- UH, WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT OTHER MAN, RUDOLPH? - OUT ON THE GROUNDS.
I SENT HIM OUT TO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING WAS IN ORDER.
WELL, DOCTOR, ARE YOU READY TO BEGIN? UH, YES, WE'LL BEGIN JUST AS SOON AS THE DOCTOR WASHES HIS HANDS.
MY HANDS? AH, YES, OF COURSE! MY HANDS.
I WILL COMMENCE WITH THE OPERATION AS SOON AS I HAVE WASHED MY HANDS.
I DON'T SUPPOSE I HAVE TIME TO BRUSH MY TEETH? AH, I DIDN'T THINK SO.
AMERICANS! EVERYTHING IS RUSH RUSH RUSH! NO WONDER YOU NEVER GET ANYTHING DONE.
ACTUALLY, THIS ROOM IS NOT COLD ENOUGH FOR THE OPERATION.
- YOUR GLOVES, DOCTOR.
- AH, GOOD.
- WHY'D YOU TURN THE TEMPERATURE DOWN? - I CAN'T EXPLAIN NOW.
JUST KEEP STALLING, AND WHEN I GIVE YOU THE SIGNAL, TURN ON THAT FAUCET WITH THE HOSE ATTACHED.
- RIGHT.
- AH! - NOW IF WE CAN JUST TAKE THE PATIENT'S TEMPERATURE.
- OH, RIGHT.
- YOUR THERMOMETER, DOCTOR.
- AH, GOOD.
( glass shatters ) SWEEP THAT UP AND PUT IT UNDER THE PATIENT'S TONGUE.
UH, NEVER MIND THE THERMOMETER, NURSE.
I THINK IT IS TIME TO GET ON WITH THE OPERATION.
NOW IF YOU WOULD JUST LAY OUT THE INSTRUMENTS.
- HERE WE GO.
- AH, GOOD.
AH!BUT THEY ARE NOT IN THE RIGHT PLACES.
THIS IS THE EUROPEAN STYLE.
THIS OPERATION IS ON THE AMERICAN PLAN.
I WILL SHOW YOU.
DOCTOR, I THINK YOU'D BETTER OPERATE RIGHT NOW.
HE CAN'T OPERATE.
HE'S NOT DR.
VON HAVOC.
I FOUND DR.
VON HAVOC AND HIS ASSISTANT OUTSIDE THE WALL.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I AM NOT DR.
VON HAVOC.
I'M MAXWELL SMART, SECRET AGENT 86.
NOW, 99! - IT WORKED, 99! - WHAT GAVE YOU THE IDEA, MAX? THE FROZEN WATER IN THIS SINK.
THAT'S THE END OF SATAN PLACE.
YES, AND THAT'S THE END OF THOSE THREE HARDENED CRIMINALS.
MAX, WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE DONE IF YOUR PLAN TO FREEZE THEM HADN'T WORKED? - I HAD AN ALTERNATE PLAN.
- WHAT WAS THAT? ( German accent ) I WAS GOING TO GO RIGHT AHEAD AND OPERATE ON THE CHIEF.
( mumbling ) WELL, CHIEF, WHO DOES IT FEEL TO BE BACK SAFE AND WARM IN YOUR OWN OFFICE AGAIN? WAIT A MINUTE.
WHERE'S MY PAINTING? WHERE'S MY DESK SET? - MY CHAIR! - IT'S ALL RIGHT, CHIEF.
IT'S JUST THAT WE HAD TO RAISE THE MONEY FOR YOUR RANSOM.
YOU SOLD ALL MY OFFICE FURNITURE? AUCTIONED, CHIEF.
NOT SOLD.
WELL, WHERE'S THE $200,000? WELL, WE DIDN'T QUITE GET THAT MUCH, CHIEF.
AM I GETTING WARM? WELL, CHIEF, LET'S LOOK AT IT THIS WAY-- UH, YOU REMEMBER TENNYSON'S POEM, "CANNONS TO THE LEFT OF THEM, CANNONS TO THE RIGHT OF THEM, INTO THE VALLEY OF DEATH RODE THE" - 600.
- RIGHT.
$600? THAT'S ALL? WHY DON'T YOU GO HOME AND GET SOME REST? YOU'LL GET A LITTLE SLEEP, YOU'LL GET WARM, AND WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT ON MONDAY.
I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT.
HAVE THEM SEND AROUND MY CAR.
- UH, MY CAR, CHIEF.
- WHAT? - I WON IT IN THE RAFFLE.
I WON IT FAIR AND SQUARE.
- YOU WON MY CAR? YEAH, BUT THAT'S OKAY, CHIEF.
YOU CAN HAVE IT ON WEEKNIGHTS.
( muttering ) HE WANTS TO GO BACK TO THE ICEBOX.
( theme music plays )