Gilmore Girls s01e09 Episode Script

Your grandfather called and told me to tell you he's bringing you back something very special from Prague.
How amazing is it that he's going to Prague? It's supposed to be lovely.
Dramatic castles everywhere.
The cell that Vaclav Havel was held in is now a hostel.
You can stay there for $50 a night.
Maybe on our trip to Europe we could go there and stay in his cell.
Absolutely.
Then we should go to Turkey and stay in that place from Midnight Express.
- Lorelai, what are you doing? - Getting rid of the avocado.
Since when do you not like avocado? Since the day I said, 'Gross.
What is this?' And you said, 'Avocado.
' I'm focusing on you now.
Tell me all about the Chilton formal next week.
There's a formal? - How do you know about the formal? - Yeah, how do you know? - I read my Chilton newsletter.
- Since when do you get a newsletter? As a major contributor to Rory's education I figured I had the right to ask for a newsletter to be sent to me.
Are you serious? It's a good thing, too, since you don't read yours.
One of us should be up-to-date on the goings-on at her school.
Mom, I read my newsletter.
- You did? - That's right.
What was the picture on the cover? It was a picture of a really rich kid in plaid.
- It's a spotted owl.
- In plaid.
The owls are endangered, and Chilton is taking donations to help them.
You gave a very nice one, in case you're interested.
Don't be giving donations on Rory's behalf.
I'll do that.
How can you when you don't read the newsletter? I read it.
You didn't know they were taking donations.
It's a private school.
They always take donations.
I'll get them next time.
- What about the owls? - They'll live.
Apparently they won't, dear.
That's why they need the donations.
- You have a formal coming up? - Yeah, but I don't think I'm gonna go.
Nonsense.
Of course you're going.
Mom, if Rory doesn't wanna go, she doesn't have to go.
I don't understand why she wouldn't wanna go.
I know you don't.
I'm gonna go get another Coke.
- What did you say to her? - What are you talking about? If she doesn't wanna go, it's because of something you said.
Mom, I promise.
All I ever said to her about dances is that you go, dance, have punch, eat, you take a picture and then you get auctioned off to a biker gang from Sausalito.
- Lorelai, this is serious.
- Mom, I said nothing, okay? Rory's disdain of formals is totally her own.
Let's just drop it, please.
- Fine.
- Fine.
- What's wrong with the tomato? - It was fraternizing with the enemy.
- Why didn't you mention the dance? - Because I'm not going.
But why aren't you going? - Because I hate dances.
- Good answer.
Except you've never actually been to a dance.
- So? - So you have nothing to compare it to.
- No, but I can imagine it.
- That's true.
However, not really, since you've never actually been to one.
You're basing all your dance opinions on one viewing of Sixteen Candles.
You should have a decent reason for hating something before you really decide you hate it.
Trust me, I'll hate it.
It'll be stuffy and boring, and the music will suck.
Since none of the kids at school like me I'll be standing in the back listening to 98 Degrees watching Tristan and Paris argue over who gets to make me miserable first.
Okay.
Or it'll be all sparkly and exciting.
You'll be on the dance floor listening to Tom Waits with some great-looking guy staring at you so hard you don't realize that Paris and Tristan were just eaten by bears.
What guy? Maybe the guy who hangs out in our trees all day waiting for you.
Dean does not hang out in trees.
He bashed his head in a branch when I came out too quickly.
- Why do you care all of a sudden if I go? - I don't care if you go.
I just don't want you to miss on any experience because you're too afraid.
I'm afraid? Of what? Of asking Dean, of him saying no of going to a dance with a bunch of kids who haven't accepted you yet of dancing in public of finding out you should never be dancing in public.
Okay, I get it.
Listen, I know you are not Miss Party Girl, and I love you for that but sometimes I wonder.
Do you not join in because you really don't want to or because you're too shy? If you don't wanna go because you really don't wanna go and not because you are in any way afraid, then this is the last time I'll mention it.
I promise.
I don't have a dress.
I could make you one.
- Really? - Yeah.
We could get some great shoes, and some new earrings.
- We could get your hair done.
- You won't think I'm an idiot? It depends on what hairstyle you choose.
This dance could be great for you.
He's gonna say no.
- Why would he say no? - Why would he say yes? There's no point in having a boyfriend if he won't go to the dance with you.
He's not my boyfriend.
- Really? - No.
- What is he then? - He's my gentleman caller.
Okay, Blanche.
I don't know what he is, but he's not a boyfriend.
Do you think he's my boyfriend? You guys spend a lot of time not kissing other people, if it isn't that sort of thing.
- Girlfriend.
- You.
- Boyfriend.
- Him.
No, it sounds weird.
- Have you had the talk yet? - Yes, Lane.
Babies come from the stork.
- The other talk.
- What other talk? 'We've been dating a few weeks now.
Where do we stand? 'If another girl asks you out, do you feel free to go?' How do you know so much about this? Those who can, do.
Those who can't, teach.
There he is.
- I should do this later.
- No.
You have to do this now.
- Why? - Because I have to go home soon and my mom threw out our TV when she caught me watching V.
I.
P.
So I'm bored, and I need some entertainment.
- Okay, here I go.
- Good luck.
And remember to enunciate.
I'm reading lips out here.
You're busy.
Yeah, I have to put the new green bean shipment on the shelves.
- You wanna help? - Yeah, sure.
I love stacking beans.
Okay, follow me.
- Do you work on Saturdays? I forget.
- It depends.
Sometimes I come in if I don't have any plans.
- Why? - No reason.
There's this thing at my school on Saturday.
It's not really at my school, but it's kind of given by my school.
What is it? It's this kind of thing where you go, and they play music and you get dressed up and dance, and then there's chicken.
- Chicken? - I don't know if there's chicken.
But at these kinds of things they often serve chicken because it's probably cheaper and people eat it.
So the logic behind the chicken choice really isn't that bad.
- I'm lost.
- It's a dance.
It's not like I'm dying to go or anything, but it is a new school and being a part of the social activities is really important at Chilton.
So are you asking me to go to a dance with you? No.
Yes.
I mean, if you wanted to go, I would go, too.
That would probably be good since it's your school.
Right.
So do you wanna go? - Honestly? - Yeah.
I've actually never gone to a dance before.
Because they're lame? Yeah, and it's not the way I ever wanted to spend my time.
I'm not a big joiner.
Okay, fair enough.
More beans, please.
- You wanna go, don't you? - No, I don't.
I have no desire to go at all.
I was just thinking out loud, that's all.
- So what would I have to wear? - What? To this dance.
What would I have to wear? - Anything you want.
- Come on.
Really, whatever you're comfortable in is fine.
Some sort of pants would be good.
- It's coat and tie.
- Oh, man.
But you could probably get away with a coat and no tie.
Okay.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Extra thread.
- God bless! I've been working so hard to finish Rory's dress I haven't been able to get out.
- You are walking funny.
- I know.
Rory's dress made a pass at me, and I think I pulled something getting up.
Here, sit.
I got an ACE Bandage in my bag.
I'm not sure how we can wrap it, but maybe we can do something creative.
- Sookie.
- Let's see.
Okay, I got Percodan, Vicodin, Darvocet, and Take this one.
It's a muscle-relaxer.
Very mild, I promise.
Thanks.
Maybe later.
I've gotta go.
You sure you're gonna be okay? - I'm sure.
- Okay.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Yeah.
- You sound terrible.
I'm fine, Mom.
I just stubbed my toe.
You should get rid of the clutter in your living room.
- Maybe.
- That room is a hazard.
I've seen the light.
Everything goes.
What else you got? I wanna talk about Rory's dance.
It's just killing me that she's not going.
This may seem frivolous and silly to her now, but believe me these are the kind of experiences you regret missing later.
Okay.
Regret can make you bitter.
Do you want Rory to be bitter? Sort of.
- Lorelai! - She could make some cash off of it.
Become a crazy Oscar Levant kind of celebrity go on talk shows, heckle Regis.
I wish you would take this seriously.
Mom, Rory is going to the dance.
She is? That's wonderful! I'm thrilled.
I'm making her dress right now.
- You're making her dress? - Yeah.
But why? So she'll look really ugly and people will point and throw rocks.
Why don't you let me buy her a dress? Mom, you were thrilled five seconds ago, remember? - You're not using the curtains, are you? - I gotta go.
Just one more thing.
Take a picture of Rory for me, please? - I will.
- On the stairs.
And one by the front door.
And one as she's getting ready putting her hair up, putting her makeup on.
Okay, do you want one when she's shaving her legs? You know, one leg up in the tub, waving the disposable razor in the air? This is a once-in-a-lifetime event.
- You get to be there and I don't.
- Oh, boy! If I got enough pictures, I could at least line them up in chronological order and pretend I was there.
Maybe bind them together, make a flipbook out of them.
Would you like to come over on Saturday and see Rory go to the dance? Why, what a nice idea.
I'd love that.
Thank you.
I'll see you at 7:00.
- Hi, Tristan.
- Paris.
- Two, I assume? - You assume right.
- So, who are you taking? - Why, are you free? No, what am I thinking? You wouldn't be free this close to the dance.
Here's your change.
- Is your hair shorter? - Yeah.
Quarter of an inch.
- Really? - I got it trimmed.
- It looks good.
- Thanks.
- And she's reading again.
How novel.
- Goodbye, Tristan.
- Did you get the novel thing? Because - I said goodbye.
- What are you doing here? - I like lines.
- The guy's supposed to buy the tickets.
- Really? Does Susan Faludi know about this? - Unless, of course, there is no guy.
- No, there is a guy.
- A cheap guy.
- What can I say? I like them cheap.
Sloppy, too.
Bald spot, beer gut and the pants that slip down in the back, giving you that good plumber shot.
That sends me through the roof.
So, who is he? How many languages can you say 'none of your business' in? - Does he go to this school? - No, he doesn't.
Look, I'll confess something to you.
I don't have a date.
I hear Squeaky Fromme's up for parole soon.
You should keep a good thought.
I actually thought you'd like to go with me.
- You did not.
- I did, too.
- You did not, because you are not stupid.
- Why, thank you.
Slimy and weaselly, yes.
But stupid, no.
You'd have to be stupid to think, that given our history, I would ever barring a piano or a safe falling on my head wanna go anywhere with you.
Ever.
Okay, fine.
I'll take Cissy.
I'll send her a condolence card.
Yeah.
At least she won't be buying her own ticket.
Two, please.
- Idiot.
- Excuse me? He was totally nice to you and you were a big jerk.
If you like Tristan so much, you go out with him.
- I don't have enough change.
- Pay me later.
What am I, your Versateller? Wait for change.
I need change! Now! You can't be going with someone better than Tristan.
- Whatever.
- You probably don't even have a date.
You're probably going to come down with some rare form of flu that only hits losers on dance night.
You know what? I don't want my change.
Money makes people shallow.
I've got your change! If you think I'm keeping this dollar, I'm not! - I'll take it.
- Shut up.
- Come on, already! - I'm primping.
You're 16, you have skin like a baby's ass.
There's nothing to primp.
Okay, here I come.
Someone hit you with a pretty stick.
This dress is amazing.
You outdid yourself.
It's beautiful, baby.
You look beautiful.
- Come here.
- What? - Stray hair.
- Fix, please.
I think my favorite part is the shoes.
- The heels hurt.
- Beauty is pain.
I'll just throw them on on my way out.
You should put them on now and let your feet get numb.
- That's sick.
- Go get me the hair spray.
- It's open! - It's me! I got tacos.
I got extra hot sauce and a couple of extra burritos - to put in the fridge for later.
- You take such good care of me.
Sookie, look.
Oh, my God! You're a movie star! I'm serious.
At some point tonight, walk down a flight of stairs.
Movie stars always walk down staircases.
Let me spray while you try to figure out what she said.
You don't move.
I got it.
- Wrong way.
I got it.
- Are you okay? Yeah, sweetie.
Hand that to your mother.
My eyelashes are all stuck together.
- Are you sure you're all right? - I'm fine.
Shield the tacos.
Okay, ready? God! That'll be good for six slow dances, four medium ones, one lambada but if you wanna do any moshing, I suggest another coat.
No, I think I'm good.
Rory, sweetie, is this soap by the sink in the silver bottle? No.
Go in there, quick.
We're in here! 'We're in here'? That's how you answer the door? - I was all out of Saran wrap.
- I don't want to figure that one out.
- Where is my granddaughter? - Kitchen.
Perfect.
I wanna be all ready for the big entrance.
How's the light in here? Never mind.
I'll take one with the flash and one without to make sure we've got it right.
Wow, Mom, look at you.
You'd think Anne Taylor was having a sale or something.
Okay, Rory, come in here, please.
Hey, Grandma.
- She has lived with you too long.
- Lose the bib and the taco put your shoes on and come back out.
Let Grandma take the pretty picture.
- I'm gonna get going.
- You are not driving.
I walked.
It's nice to see you again, Mrs.
Gilmore, or at least make out your shape.
Call me in 15 minutes, or I'll send out a search party.
You call me if I need to come over and help you up the stairs.
- No, I'll be fine.
- Bye.
- Why would you need help up the stairs? - No reason.
Rory, let's go.
Your public awaits! - Why aren't you moving? - I'm comfortable, that's all.
- Are you hurt? - I have a little back spasm.
That's it.
It's no big deal.
- What sort of back spasm? - I don't know, Mom.
Just a normal one.
There is nothing normal about a back spasm.
The fact that it has the word 'spasm' in it means it's not normal.
- Here she is.
Get your camera moving.
- What? Oh, my! You're gorgeous.
Smile.
I'm so glad you decided to buy her a dress.
- That's Dean.
- Come here.
Have an amazing time.
I'll chronicle the whole evening for you, I promise.
Bye, Grandma.
- Where are you going? - To the dance.
You do not go running out the door when a boy honks.
- Mom, it's fine.
- It certainly is not fine.
This is not a drive-through.
She's not fried chicken.
But I told him to honk and I'd meet him out there.
We agreed.
I don't care what you told him.
If he wants to take you out, he will walk up to this door knock, and say, 'Good evening,' and come inside for a moment like any civilized human being would know to do.
- This is silly.
I have met him already.
- I haven't.
- Yeah, but - We will wait until he comes to the door.
- He doesn't know he's supposed to.
- He'll figure it out.
- He's not a very bright boy, is he? - Mom, please.
Don't rush.
A lady never rushes.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- I thought I was supposed to honk.
- I know.
I'm sorry.
Young man, come in here, please.
Hey, Dean.
Meet my mother, Emily Post.
- Hi.
- Hello.
Great rap session.
You guys are out of here.
Have fun.
- Be home by 11:00.
- 12:00.
- Bye, Grandma.
Bye, Mom.
- Bye.
- What do you know about this boy? - I know that Rory likes him and that his parole officer has high hopes for his rehabilitation.
- Does he drink? - Like a fish.
- That's not a crazy question.
- It is a crazy question because if I knew he was a drinker, he would not be with Rory now.
- Yes, but - Mom, please relax.
Dean is a good kid.
Rory's gonna have a great time.
You got your pictures.
Tomorrow I will call you and give you all the details.
- What are you going to do? - What do you mean? - You certainly can't be left alone.
- Yes, I can.
You can't move.
You've been sitting there since I arrived.
That's because this is a right comfy couch.
- Maybe I should stay.
- No, you really don't have to do that.
I'm not leaving my daughter stranded on the couch.
- What if you need to get to the bathroom? - I don't go anymore.
I gave it up cold turkey.
- I'm staying.
- No, Mom.
Look, I can stand, okay? See? I'm up.
Okay, see? I'm fine.
- Move.
- What? Move.
If you're fine, then move.
I can move.
This is me moving.
Any second now, the moving will begin.
Rats.
I'll go start some tea.
Please tell me you have something besides Lipton.
A stroke would be so good right about now.
Maybe we should just forget about this.
Okay.
I mean, it's just a dance.
What's the big deal? Beats me.
And these kids at my school Awful.
- Have you seen The Outsiders? - Yeah, I have.
Just call me Ponyboy.
I heard this place is beautiful, though.
Old and historic.
Maybe we could just go in for a minute.
- Fine.
- Or not.
Fine, too.
I don't know.
Why can't I decide? This is stupid.
What do you think? I think that you look amazing tonight.
Maybe just a couple of minutes won't hurt.
Yes, Marta.
Just make sure everything's locked up before you leave.
No, I won't be home tonight.
- Was that a pain? - Yes, a big one.
All right, that's it.
Bye.
So, Mom, you really don't have to do this.
Don't be silly.
I couldn't possibly leave you alone like this.
What are you doing, Mom? I'm trying to find the candlesticks I bought you.
What candlesticks? The Baccarat candlesticks I bought you last year for Christmas.
I assume that you stuffed them in the back of the closet somewhere.
No, I did not stuff them in the back of the closet.
Then where are they? I don't see them out.
See, we didn't actually have a big use for the crystal candlesticks.
So I kind of exchanged them.
- For what? - A monkey lamp.
- Pardon me? - It's a lamp with a bunch of monkeys on it.
Baccarat crystal candlesticks for a monkey lamp? They're really happy monkeys, Mom.
Where is this lamp? I want to see it.
It's right there on the desk.
Oh, my God! They're holding coconuts and leering.
It's funny.
You traded my lovely gift for a semi-pornographic, leering monkey lamp? How could you? This is not just about returning a gift.
This goes to the very heart of the question of taste.
You were given something of substance, and you cast it off for a ridiculous slightly sinister barroom decoration? Explain this to me, Lorelai.
My back hurts.
- It's a very good room.
- Looks historical.
I commend the person who suggested this location.
So, we could just get our picture taken and leave.
We could.
- Or we could dance a little first.
- Yeah? - I stress 'a little.
' - Something slow.
That sounds good.
- Can we go yet? - We haven't even eaten dinner.
- I'm bored.
- We have to wait for Paris anyway.
Fine.
Give me your roll.
- What? - Rory Gilmore.
God, she's got good hair.
- Who's the dish? - Beats me.
He's not from the manor born, that's for sure.
Let's go.
So, should we dance or should we sit first? Rory, you came.
Great dress.
Who's it by? - Lorelai Gilmore.
- You made it yourself? - No, my mom made it for me.
- She did, really? So, you're traveling with a bodyguard now? No, this is my This is Dean.
- Dean, this is Louise and Madeline.
- Hi.
- My mom can't make anything.
- How tall are you? - Soup, she can make soup.
- You know, my whole family is really tall.
I mean, the men mostly.
What are you, 6'1", 6'2"? Does he get a prize if he guesses? One kind of soup, actually.
It's green, lumpy.
- I'm 6'2".
- Actually, she can't make soup either.
- 6'2" is a good height.
- You think? I think.
What do you think? Too tall? - Not in heels.
- Good.
Although, the saddle shoes make it kind of difficult.
- I'll just have to stoop then.
- I guess so.
Okay, I'm bored.
- I like your dress.
- Thanks.
Hey, you're nice.
- Slow song.
- Let's go.
- I see you came.
- You sold me the ticket.
I'm Jacob.
- Hi, I'm Rory.
This is Dean.
- Hi.
Excuse us.
Those are not friends.
- I was being polite.
- Well, don't.
- So, that's Paris? - Yes, it is.
- She seems fun.
- Yeah, she is.
Okay, this dancing thing is not something I want you to get used to or comment on.
Now, that goes both ways.
If I kiss you, is a nun gonna come out and boot me out of here? It's not a Catholic school.
- So I can kiss you? - Yeah, you can kiss me.
- Okay, I'm perfect now.
- Great.
- You want to dance? - Nope.
- You want to eat? - Nope.
You want to go make out? Yeah, all right, let's go.
So, Ponyboy, you happy? Yeah, I'm happy.
There you go.
Mom, I think somebody already ate that.
- That is a mashed banana on toast.
- Okay.
I used to make this for you when you were a little girl.
- You did? - Whenever you got sick, I made this.
Wasn't it the other way around? - You don't want it? - No, I want it.
- I'll just take it back.
- Mom, I said I want it.
Are you sure? Because I could throw it away.
Relinquish the banana, please.
You can't possibly be comfortable like that.
Mother, please, this is the first position in 24 hours - that has not made me crazy.
- All right.
You're not eating.
- Mom, please don't make me eat this.
- You have to eat something.
Sookie left me a burrito in the fridge.
- I'll go warm it up for you.
- I can eat it cold.
Fine, I'll just go get it then.
Hot's better, though.
I'll be right back.
Okay, I need something to drink.
You want some punch? Sure.
- Hi.
Rory, right? - Yes.
- Jacob.
We met earlier with Paris.
- Yes, I remember.
- Are you having a good time? - Actually, I am.
You? It's okay.
So, was that your boyfriend? - I don't know.
I'm not sure.
- You're not sure? We've only been going out for a little while So there's still a little room to play? - What? - Would you like to dance? No, thanks.
Maybe I could get your number? - What for? - To call you.
I'm sorry, aren't you here with Paris? So maybe you shouldn't be over here asking me for my number then.
Why? Paris is my cousin.
- Your cousin? - Yeah.
- Paris is your cousin? You're related? - Yeah.
Jacob, it's been very nice to meet you.
I hope you have a lovely evening.
Look, Barbara Stanwyck.
- I just love Barbara Stanwyck.
- Yeah, she's good.
She had that wonderful voice, that husky, deep voice.
I just love that voice.
You know, Mom, you have kind of a Barbara Stanwycky voice.
- I do not.
- I mean it.
You could've gotten Fred MacMurray to off Dad if you'd really wanted to.
You do enjoy teasing me, don't you? You know, I really do.
- Rory looked so lovely tonight.
- She did, didn't she? I can't get over how she's grown into that little woman who walked out of here.
I know.
You know what, Mom? I made the dress.
- You did a lovely job.
- Thank you.
With Rory and the dress.
Thank you.
Let me get this out of your way.
You really don't remember me making this for you? - I don't, I'm sorry.
- I did, and you loved it.
- You know what? Let me give it a try.
- All right.
Yes? It's even more disgusting than I thought it was gonna be.
It is not.
Oh, my God, it's horrible! What on earth was I thinking? So, you wanna maybe go? You're bored? I'm sorry.
Let's go, right away.
I'm not bored.
I thought there's still a little time left.
Maybe we could get a cup of coffee somewhere hang out a little, take a walk.
You know, just us.
That'd be nice.
No, you stay.
I'll get the coats.
So how many people have you told? - Four? Five? Everybody? - What are you talking about? You know that Jacob is my cousin.
Now you have all the ammunition you needed to pay me back, right? I don't wanna pay you back, I wanna get away.
Now you can go all over school telling everyone that Paris Geller couldn't get a date to the dance.
That she had no one.
Since she couldn't just not come, she had to ask her cousin to take her.
She had to give him gas money to make him do it.
Go ahead, tell them! I don't have to.
You just did.
- We haven't met.
- No, we haven't.
- I'm Tristan.
- Yes, we have.
- What are you talking about? - Rory's mentioned you.
- Yeah? - I wouldn't get quite so excited about it.
- Why, did she say something mean? - She said you're a jackass.
- Really? - Actually, no.
Rory doesn't use words like that.
I embellished a little.
So you're the big, strong protector? Little princess needs a protector.
- What's your problem, man? - Nothing.
- I just don't like your girlfriend.
- Really? - It doesn't look that way to me.
- I don't care how it looks to you.
You got in my path, not the other way around.
- You're kidding, right? - Why, are you going somewhere? - Get out of my way, Dristan.
- Aren't you clever? What's going on? Nothing.
Just getting to know your boyfriend.
- It's going real well, don't you think? - Yeah.
We're just about to build a clubhouse.
I hate to break up the party, but we should go.
- Why? Little girl's got to be home? - Stop! No, I think you two make a very cute couple.
Is your horse and buggy parked outside? Gotta get home for the barn raising? Let's go.
- What the hell do you think you're doing? - You will not push me again! Are you seriously trying to act tough? You're wearing a tie, for God's sake! Outside, now.
No, it'd be like fighting an accountant.
I'll call you when I need my taxes done.
- You don't want to fight me, Tristan! - Why not? 'Cause I'll kill you, idiot! Come on, Rory.
You will not come near her ever again.
- That was good.
- Whatever.
Are you okay? Did you really bring your cousin? - What are you doing? - Go to sleep.
- The movie's not over.
- I'll tell you how it ends.
Thank you, Mommy.
That was quite a dance.
I seriously don't know what got into him.
- I do.
- What? He has a thing for you.
No, he doesn't.
It's just a game to him or something.
He has a thing for you.
He does nothing but insult me and make me miserable.
He has a thing for you.
I don't know how I feel about this whole situation.
- What do you mean? - I don't know.
Having my boyfriend defend my honor.
It's weird.
Boyfriend? - What? - You said 'boyfriend.
' No, I just meant boyfriend in the sense that the defending-me thing was very boyfriendy but only in the broadest sense of the word which doesn't even apply at all here.
You are seriously babbling.
- I didn't mean that you were my boyfriend.
- Okay.
- I don't think you're my boyfriend.
- Okay.
- What? - Are you my boyfriend? In the 'broadest sense of the word' way? No, in the real 'Hi, this is Dean, my boyfriend,' kind of way.
Well, I am if you want me to be.
I do.
Okay.
- So it's settled.
- Yes, it is.
- You're my boyfriend.
- That's the consensus.
I'm feeling pretty good about this decision.
Well, I'm very glad to hear it.
I guess Miss Patty forgot to lock up.
I've never really seen in here before.
- Are all these women really Miss Patty? - Yeah.
She said she's done everything in show business except set fire to the hoop the dog jumps through.
I'll get it.
God, this weighs a ton.
What do you have in here? I don't know.
A lipstick, $5 bill, gum, hair spray, a book.
- A book? - Yeah.
- You brought a book to the dance? - Yeah.
You thought there'd be a lot of downtime? No.
I just take a book with me everywhere.
It's just habit.
- So, what are you reading? - The Portable Dorothy Parker.
'There's little in taking or giving There's little in water or wine 'This living, this living, this living Was never a project of mine' - Cheery.
- Funny, though.
- Hey.
- What? - Thank you for tonight.
It was perfect.
- You're welcome.
Okay, ladies, grab your yoga mats.
Oh, my goodness, it's Lorelai's girl! - Patty, Rory Gilmore is here.
- What? She's over here, asleep with the bag boy from the market.
What are we supposed to do? Rory, honey, it's Miss Patty.
Rory? What are you doing here? Miss Patty? Yes.
Have you been here all night? Oh, no.
Dean, wake up.
- What time is it? - It's 5:30 in the morning.
Oh, my God, we fell asleep.
How could we have fallen asleep? Calm down, I'll explain it to your mom.
- Where's my purse? - I got it.
Relax.
I have to go.
- Wait up! - I have to go! I'm going with you.
We'll explain.
It'll be okay.
You can't come.
You shouldn't be near my house right now.
- It's not our fault.
- I know.
I just have to get home.
- Please let me come with you.
- No! I have to go home.
- Lorelai, get up.
Right now! - What? Rory's not home.
Rory's what? I sat all night.
I dozed off for one second.
The next thing I know, it's 5:30 and she's not here.
She's not there.
Aren't you listening? Where's the phone? Call the police.
What are you doing? Call the police! - Mom, stop it! - What are you doing? I'm looking for the phone! Why don't you ever clean up around here? You can't find the phone in an emergency.
What if there was a fire? What if Rory was choking? - Mom, stop yelling.
- Rory is missing! I know that, and your yelling is not helping me.
What? Okay.
Thanks.
No, thank you so much.
Okay, bye-bye.
- Rory's okay.
- Where is she? What happened? She and Dean were at Miss Patty's.
What is that, a motel? It's a dance studio.
That was Patty.
She said that she found them asleep and woke them up, and Rory's on her way home.
- And what state were they found in? - She didn't say, okay? Let's be calm until we know what happened.
What do you mean? We know what happened.
- No, we don't.
- They were out all night! I'm gonna make some coffee.
Lorelai, I've watched you do a lot of stupid things in your life - and I have held my tongue.
- You've what? But I will not stand by and let you allow that girl to ruin her life.
Back off.
She spent the night out with that boy the one you let her run off to that dance with.
So help me God, I will not get into this with you.
- She's doing the same thing you did.
- No, she's not.
- She'll get pregnant.
- No, she's not.
She's gonna ruin everything, just like you did.
No, she's not! Rory is a good kid, Mom! She's not me! What kind of mother are you to allow this? I don't know.
What kind of mother were you? You're gonna lose her just like I lost you.
I am not gonna lose her.
Do you hear me? Even if I hadn't gotten pregnant, you'd still have lost me.
I had nothing in that house.
I had no life, no air.
You strangled me.
I do not strangle Rory.
You're so perfect, and I was so horrible.
I put you in good schools.
I gave you the best of everything.
I made sure you had the finest opportunities.
And I am so tired of hearing about how you were suffocated and I was so controlling.
If I was so controlling why couldn't I control you getting pregnant and throwing your life away? - Get out.
- What? You will not come into my house and tell me I threw my life away.
Look around, Mom.
This is a life.
It has a little color, so it may look unfamiliar to you.
But it's a life.
If I hadn't gotten pregnant, I wouldn't have Rory.
That's not what I meant.
Maybe I was some horrible, uncontrollable child like you say but Rory isn't.
She's smart and careful, and I trust her.
She's gonna be fine.
If you can't accept or believe that, then I don't want you in this house! Mom, thank you for saying all those What were you thinking, staying out all night? Are you insane? I'm sorry.
It was an accident.
You're talking to the queen of staying out.
I invented the concept.
This is no accident! You can't do this.
Period! Nothing happened.
Do you have any idea what it's like to wake up with my mother here and find out that you never came home? So all this is about Grandma being here? No, it's about the feeling of complete terror - when you're not in bed in the morning.
- Sorry.
It's a different kind of terror when I find out - that you spent the night with some guy! - I didn't spend the night.
We fell asleep.
You are going on the pill.
You are not getting pregnant! I'm not sleeping with Dean! What happened to all that stuff you said to Grandma? What happened to trusting me? - Where did all that go? - It's back on Patty's yoga mats.
This is crap! You know I didn't do anything.
You know this was an accident.
You're just mad because I screwed up and I did it in front of Grandma, and she nailed you for it.
I'm sorry that I screwed up, and I'm sorry that you got yelled at but I didn't do anything, and you know it!