Going Dutch (2025) s01e09 Episode Script

[PATRICK] So, can we figure
out what's causing the blackouts?
[ABRAHAM] Wish I could be more specific,
but, um, as I told you
several times before,
I'm not an electrician.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh.
Ah-ha! Ah-ha! Chewed right through.
Mice, see, they think
because they're cute
I won't kill 'em, but I've killed cuter.
Sir, I don't think that
mice have a perception
of their own attractiveness.
[ELECTRIC CRACKLING]
Okay. That's unsettling.
Dark is nothing to
be afraid of, my friend.
Just remember that. Ah!
- Did you see that?
- See what?
An Irish woman. Aisling.
Delicate, gorgeous, but
with a heart as cold as ice.
Ah! A German woman. Impenetrable.
Mysterious. Luisa.
Sir, do you think you're
in a poem right now?
No, I'm not in a poem.
Come on, we gotta go.
- All right.
- Ah!
- You going somewhere, Patrick?
- Nina.
- Hi, Patty.
- Guten tag.
- Hey.
- [WOMEN LAUGHING]
- [CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY]
- What's happening?
It's all three of my ex-wives
coming back to haunt me.
So, this is very fascinating.
All three of you in my office
at exactly the same time.
I don't remember wronging a gypsy.
Oh, you can't say that.
You're reminding me of Maggie now.
- There they are! Hi, moms!
- Oh, Maggie.
- Hi!
- Hi!
[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]
- Hi, my baby.
- Hi, mom.
You are on a kissing and hugging basis
with all my ex-wives, not just your mom.
The Quinn family goes
on vacation every year.
Me and my mom, Maeve and her mom,
and Luisa, who's a mom to us all.
- Danke, liebes.
- You guys go
- on vacation together?
- Yeah.
And you never thought of inviting me?
- No.
- Okay.
We've only been doing it
since our divorce, so 20 years.
Oh, just two decades
of going behind my back.
[AISLING] Well, it's
only behind your back
because you turned your back on us.
D'you remember that little bit?
[NINA] It really hasn't been a secret.
I officiated Aisling's second wedding.
You looked beautiful. Luisa and I
were on The Amazing Race together.
- Wow!
- And they should have won.
- [SPEAKING IN GERMAN]
- Stop blaming yourself.
Denver's airport is like
Satan's hedge maze.
- Mmm.
- You are my sister.
- And I love you.
- And I love you.
- Oh!
- I'm not loving this.
What's not to love? Did you
know that Aisling's hedge fund
is now the sixth largest in Europe?
Hey, you couldn't
crack the top five, huh?
I couldn't, general. Sorry, colonel.
- You you're still a colonel.
- [MAGGIE] And Luisa just won
the 2025 Leibniz Prize
for her work in epigenetics.
[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]
- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
- Unbelievable.
Colonel, here's the
report on the electric.
- Oh, my God, Nina Quinn.
- [LAUGHS] Oh!
I hate to be a fan girl, but, uh
could I ask you to do your sign-off?
I'm Nina Quinn, and
from all of us at WDZM,
have a great night.
- I will.
- Okay.
Um
- Oh.
- [LAUGHS]
D does she think you invented saying,
you know, "Have a great night?"
No, she thinks I perfected it.
We're not gonna be
in your hair for long.
We're stopping by quickly to see Maggie,
and then we're leaving
for Cologne tomorrow,
and the Quinn family
vacation is officially gonna start.
You can't call it "the
Quinn family vacation"
if I'm not involved.
Tha that's my name.
You guys need to get a new name.
Well, there's three of us,
and there's only one of you,
so it's our name now.
[ABRAHAM] Sergeant, status update?
All the washers are down, and
if we don't get them running soon
then we are gonna be
drowning in dirty laundry.
All right, so, uh, we are up a creek
getting beat on with a paddle, huh?
Mm-hmm.
- [LAUGHS]
- Why are you both so chipper?
You see that stone cold fox over there?
We've been really hitting it off.
Yeah, correction,
we've been hitting it off.
She said my hair was long.
Okay, that's a completely
normal statement.
It's like saying you have two feet.
[SCOFFS] Yeah, sure.
Where did you go last time?
Uh, the Emerald Isle,
off the Carolina coast,
where the family beach house is.
- Family beach house?
- Bad news.
It's the mice's world, and
our laundry's just living in it.
Oh, we're not gonna be
able to call an exterminator,
or an electrician,
- because of Vlaggetjesdag.
- Hm?
- What the hell is that?
- It's the first day
- of herring season.
- Oh, God.
It's a national holiday.
But we can tackle the mice
problem ourselves, right?
We could bait traps with
our base's strength, cheese.
- That's a great idea. Effective.
- Terrible idea.
Sounds like an episode of Tom and Jerry.
What's the next pitch?
I dress up like a girl mouse
and try to lure the boy mice out?
- I'd like to see that, actually.
- No, go on.
It's so fun listening to
you shoot down my ideas
for the umpteenth time.
Do you wanna ask me again
why I prefer my three moms?
One mom, and two really basically
complete strangers that I married, okay?
By the way, I'm great on vacations.
I come alive on vacation.
You know, I went on vacation with him
when he first got separated.
- What was that place in Mexico?
- Mazatlan.
Ma Okay. Was I not a delight?
He did wear a puka shell necklace
- to dinner once.
- I wore a puka shell necklace.
Okay. And I talked to those people.
- He yelled at those people.
- You have never been invited,
because you have never
expressed any interest in any of us.
After abandoning, mm, all of us.
Okay, you're thinking about
the old me. I'm changed.
I've really, the last couple
of months of being around
such a strong, intelligent woman
has kind of altered me,
I think altered my DNA.
That is the nicest thing
you've ever said to me.
- Like, by far.
- No, I'm sorry.
- I was talking about Katja.
- Oh, my God.
And I don't believe you
about the puka shells.
- Did you take a picture?
- You wouldn't let me.
- Did you do all of this?
- I did.
- Well, we did.
- That's amazing.
[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]
My baby makes the best cheese ever.
- I knew this would happen.
- You knew I would make cheese?
I knew you were destined for greatness,
because you have
the strength to throw off
whatever burden life thrusts at you.
Speaking of, is the red-haired screamer
still as self-obsessed as ever?
- Hey, guys, listen to me.
- Yes.
I just figured out why you guys
don't invite me on your trips.
- Why is that?
- It's 'cause you don't like me.
- Right?
- Hmm.
- Yes. That is true.
- [PATRICK] Yeah.
But see, you're thinking of the old me.
Aha! Have you changed?
- Yes.
- Oh, this is gas now.
No, I wanna hear this out.
How have you changed?
In so many ways.
I wouldn't know where
to begin to list them.
Let's just begin with one thing.
- Eins.
- Okay.
Kind of on the spot here, but, uh
- You wanna prove you've changed?
- Yeah.
You can come to dinner with us tonight.
- Oh.
- [PATRICK] Tonight?
- Oh-ho!
- [NINA] Tonight.
Can't do tonight, 'cause I'm
- Working.
- Working. He was working
- when you were born.
- Yeah.
He was working when you broke your leg.
- Yeah.
- He was working
- when you were in a coma.
- [MAGGIE] Yep.
You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna have you tell Shah
to handle the wiring
crisis in the laundry center,
and I'm gonna come to
dinner with you tonight.
- What an honor.
- As a matter of fact
I'm also going to
bring my new girlfriend.
And she used to be a prostitute.
- Okay.
- What am I supposed to do
- with that?
- Well, now she's a doctor.
- She has, like, two PhDs.
- In what?
One of the things is, like,
a sex thing, I think.
But she'll tell you tonight.
- Prostitute-turned-doctor.
- [PATRICK] What time?
- 7:00.
- Seven o'clock.
Is that all right for
your prostitute doctor?
She's not a prostitute anymore.
She works doctor's hours now.
- So she'll be free.
- Amazing.
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
[SQUEAKING]
- Hey.
- Hey.
You listened to my idea.
[SHAH] Yeah. I said it was a good idea.
And I only say things
that I mean, unless I tell a magician
that I'm not impressed.
I'm always impressed.
I just don't want them to
have power over my mind.
Right. And, hey, I
asked some of the troops
if they would start
hand-washing the laundry.
That's good. It'll buy some time.
- Way to take initiative.
- Way to execute my genius plan.
- Well, look at us.
- Look at us.
We're like Penn and Teller.
You're a magic guy, huh?
- [MICE SQUEAKING]
- Ah! Oh!
[GASPS]
[MOUSE TRAPS CLICKING]
Oh, I did not know there
would be so much decapitation.
Those are the lucky ones.
- [MOUSE TRAP CLICKS]
- Oh.
Unlucky one.
- [INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- Hey. I need you
- Hi!
To come to this dinner tonight
- and act as a buffer.
- Buffer?
- Nope.
- Yep. Why?
Because it reminds me
of when I was a sad little girl
stuck in the middle of
you and mom's divorce,
desperately trying to
make you guys less angry.
You did an awful job of it too,
because we were constantly fighting,
and all you did was cry.
So this is your chance to rectify
that mistake.
- I am leaving.
- Okay. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I need to win here so I
need your help to defeat
these women in asymmetrical
conversational combat.
Dinner with amazing women is not combat.
That's ridiculous. Everything is combat.
Especially marriage. You
should learn that lesson now.
- Fine. I'll be there.
- See?
Everything is combat.
And I just won this battle.
[ELIAS] So, how do you
wanna play this with Maud?
Some sort of, like, dibs
system? In which case, well, dibs.
Well, I sent everyone away
to level the playing field.
And we'll leave it for her
to decide and let the best
me win.
Oh, Maud!
- I love your earrings.
- Wow!
And I'm very taken by your perfume.
Take a whiff.
[SNIFFS]
Scent is deeply connected to memory.
And now you'll never forget me.
[CHUCKLES]
I smell a bit ripe.
Sweating pretty hard
after archery practice.
Oh, wow! I'm also an archer.
Maybe you could give
me a couple pointers.
I need help notching my cock feather.
Notching cock feathers is my specialty.
[CHUCKLES] This is so random.
I would love to.
Until then, sweet boy
with hair that is long.
Oh!
Okay, how is this possible?
Well, you had it easy, Conway.
Charisma, your conventional good looks.
But I do the work.
And I am not above an Instagram stalk.
It's 2025. Everybody does it.
[CHUCKLING]
[MAGGIE] And then dad
insists that I come tonight
I thought you said
he was making strides.
A baby could make bigger strides.
Many have.
You were walking when
you were eight months.
When are you not gonna find
every excuse to brag about me?
When you stop being so talented.
That's not gonna happen.
So I'll just get used to it.
Plus I told Shah that I would help him.
And honestly, I would rather do that.
It's it's nice to work with somebody
who actually listens to my input.
Truly the best thing about
dad coming has been Shah.
We make like a weirdly good team.
Oh, I bet you do.
- What is that supposed to mean?
- I talk to you every day.
And every day you talk
to me about Shah. A lot.
So I'm thinking you have a little crush.
That's insane. First of all,
he's a major and I'm a captain.
So it's a no-go. And he's semi-divorced.
And you'll be happy to
know I've actually sworn off
dating men like dad.
So I'm not gonna start
with his right-hand man.
Those are a lot of really
well-thought-out reasons
to not do something
you've never considered.
We're good friends.
That is what you said about Cole.
And you were together for three years.
That was when I was 15.
And it's totally different.
If you want to go help your friend,
um, you don't have to come to dinner.
- Dad can fend for himself.
- Really?
- Yes.
- Wait, but what about you guys?
He hurt three of the
strongest women on Earth.
If he tries it again,
we will be picking him
out of our teeth before dessert.
- Cool.
- Mm-hm.
Oh, man, Maggie just
cancelled. This is a disaster.
No, we will be fine without her.
Look, this is simply a
dinner with three women
who loved you and then stopped.
Yeah, but I'm just worried
they're gonna gang up on you
like the apex predator
pack animals that they are.
Well, do not worry.
I'm a big girl, in all
the right places too.
- [SOFT MUSIC]
- [LAUGHTER]
[KATJA] Uncooked herring in light brine.
They got the fish, but
they keep the pancreas.
- Yum!
- Oh, the pancreas. Mmm.
- Uh, uh
- [LAUGHTER]
Yeah.
So I would like to take this opportunity
to say thank you to you guys
for being the stepping stones
on my way to meeting Katja, a
woman who has changed me.
And I actually made a
list of how I've changed.
It's short. "Vintage motorcycles." Okay.
Didn't have an interest
in those before. I do now.
Number two. "Handmade leather belts."
- [NINA IMITATES ZIPPER]
- What?
I think we'd rather talk about Katja.
- Yeah.
- Here we go.
Incoming. Like I told you, hon.
- Katja. I Googled you.
- Hm. Okay.
I found your paper on
intersectional sex work
and late-stage capitalism and
it was, I mean, wow! Riveting.
- You read my dissertation?
- Yes.
Oh, we all have. It's
so well-researched.
Thank you. I worked hard.
I did university in Oslo
and then did my masters
in psychology in Munich.
[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]
- Wow!
- You speak German.
You don't? Y you were
married for two years
and you never learned?
Well, I speak a lot of languages,
I speak all the languages
from the countries that
we invaded during my career.
I just missed Germany
- by like 40 years.
- [SPEAKING IN GERMAN]
I know you guys are talking about Nazis.
Nazi, Nazi, Nazi.
By the way, I killed a Nazi recently.
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
- Hey.
- Oh, hey. There you are.
- I was worried you abandoned me.
- No.
I'm here. Here with my buddy.
With my pal.
- Hey.
- My friend.
Okay. You're being weird.
- I'm being weird?
- Yeah.
You are the one with a
shovel full of dead mice.
- That's fair. Grab that bag.
- Yeah.
- There we go.
- All right.
Don't make eye contact.
Don't make eye contact. Good. All right.
So what other genius
ideas have you got for me?
I found an electrician
who's available today.
That's great.
Okay. Yeah.
I see what the problem is here, sirs.
There's way too many
wires in this thing.
Literally everyone else was busy.
Conway and Papadakis
are off chasing tail,
so we just gotta work with what we got.
Which is YouTube and BA.
BA, can you ground the green wire
and then connect the yellow and brown?
I am color-blind,
so these all look brown.
But ooh, this one feels
- Well, you're what?
- Very brown.
Oh! Oh, my God!
- Don't touch him.
- Oh! No, no, no!
Oh, my God! No, no,
no, no, no, no! Oh! Oh!
Oh, no, no! Eh!
Did we recently get metal brooms?
Yeah, the wooden ones
were giving people splinters!
I'd love a splinter right
now. Okay, I go night-night.
- Oh, um
- Whoo! Oh!
God, I feel great!
[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]
- [LAUGHTER]
- Oh, my God!
Okay, all right, laugh it up.
Ha-ha!
Yeah, I know you're
laughing at me, so
It's the big thing in your
little secret language.
- Nobody was talking about you.
- Oh, really?
Honestly, we never talk about you.
- Yeah.
- You guys never talk about me?
Yeah, like I believe,
anybody would believe that.
- Never.
- That's impossible.
The only way you all know each other
is because of me. I don't
even know why you guys
get along so well after
all the stuff that went down.
Like when I was having
break-up sex with Luisa still
while Nina and I were
starting our relationship.
I mean, that would be like
a speed bump for anybody.
You know what I mean?
[SOFT MUSIC]
Well done.
Uh, so I guess it's possible
they weren't talking about me.
I feel like we're not
gonna get to the list.
Did you and your ex-wives
ever do any couples therapy?
No. Therapy, I'm not doing therapy.
I even skipped the therapy
scenes in The Sopranos.
That show for me was a show
about a really happy mobster guy
living this really cool mobster life
and then like he has a
couple issues with his mom.
- How did your marriages end?
- The normal way.
I mean, I'd get shipped overseas
and we'd stop communicating and then
I don't know, a couple months later,
I'd get some divorce papers in the mail.
So you abandoned them?
No, I had a battle plan.
I burned the boats behind me
and, and kept marching forward.
I am guessing that
it didn't feel so good
to be the boat on fire.
I'm going to use my psychology degree
to do couples therapy for you.
Actually, couples,
couples, couples therapy.
Oh, that's a great idea.
Yeah, 'cause then I can
fake my way through that.
They'd have to admit that I changed.
- And I win. Of course I do.
- No, no.
You have to do this for real.
Because I know you want to be a Quinn.
I am a Quinn. What
are you talking about?
- I'm the original Quinn.
- Hm!
- What? No, I am.
- Okay.
No, I get it.
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
So you're sneaking behind my back,
stealing Maud with
your sexy cheese dates.
- Have you no honor?
- Okay, slow down, Corporal.
I wasn't familiar with your game.
- This is me saying I'm sorry.
- What?
Oh, wow!
- Is this all for me, Elias?
- Yes.
Come chow down on some Camembert
and we'll chat quivers.
A true dream.
Also, I might have bowed out
when I stalked her Instagram
and found out she's a flat-Earther.
That's a deal breaker for me.
I don't believe in deal breakers.
I once dated a girl who
I'm pretty sure killed a guy.
Like, not even a stranger.
Like, someone I knew.
[MAGGIE] I'm so glad
you're feeling better.
- I'm gonna get you water.
- Yeah, thanks.
Oh, that's a nice picture. Who is that?
Uh, my ex-wife and, uh, stepson.
You're divorced?
Yeah, didn't we talk about that?
Yeah, yeah, you did.
I'm messing with you.
That is Celeste. You met in San Diego.
And that's Gabriel. Yeah,
you talk about them a lot.
Okay, I'm sorry, you should
really talk about your issues
with your dad for a change.
I don't talk about
that very much at all.
It's only when he does something awful.
- Which is
- All the time.
- So it is all the time. Yeah.
- Mm. Hmm.
I I do, I think it's nice
that you guys have, uh,
a good relationship.
Yeah, with Gabriel, it's it's easy.
You know, with
Celeste, it's a little harder.
- Mmm.
- But the pain makes it real.
You know? It's, like, it reminds you
of the good things you did
and everything you failed to do.
And I mean, what am I
gonna do, cut her out of my life?
Well, you are nothing like the colonel.
My dad would really rather
jump on a live grenade
than speak this openly with someone.
Well, I don't know, maybe
it's because I just experienced
a mild electrical shock.
But you're not just someone.
I actually never talked
about this with anyone before.
It's
- Boobs!
- Oh, thank God.
I touched boobs!
Consensual make-up straight
into under-the-sweater action.
- Why are you telling us this?
- Oh, I'm telling everyone.
- So you're going door-to-door?
- Yeah.
Oh, also, I fixed the wiring
with that YouTube video you sent.
Papa D likes to do his dirty business
under the lights.
Thank you.
[ELIAS KNOCKS] Hey!
- Okay.
- [ELIAS] You!
I touched boobs today.
What did you do?
So I believe your issues
all come from the same wounds.
Nina, Aisling, Luisa, you
do not talk about Patrick
because none of you experienced
closure after he disappeared.
Now, I want all you wonderful
ladies to say the thing
that you never had the chance to.
And Patrick will listen from
a place of non-judgment.
The new me does not find
this stupid or resent it at all.
Okay. Patrick, you are the
most focused person in the world.
And to be the center of
that focus is intoxicating.
But once I had Maggie,
suddenly, I became invisible.
Do you know, do you
know how cruel that is?
- Thank you for saying your pie
- No, I'm not done.
I'm just getting warmed
up. Actually, you know what?
Aisling, you jump in, then Luisa,
and let's just round-robin this
- for like an hour so we
- But that's not what
- don't get too tired.
- She said.
Patrick, you absolute muppet.
You are selfish, and you
drank too much from me.
And I'm Irish.
[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]
You have the emotional
intelligence of a shoe.
To just be invisible to the
person you love the most.
[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]
You were not very good in bed,
and you had the energy of a cadaver.
And I cannot believe you have not given
the slightest bit of attention to Owen.
- Who? Oh!
- Our grandchild.
Still don't love the name.
- Okay.
- All right.
Okay, listen, I get it. I
failed you guys, okay?
I knew it then, and I know it now.
I just don't understand why you
wanna come on vacation with us.
Because, you know,
Maggie talks about it,
that you're like one big happy family.
Believe it or not, that's what I wanted
with each one of you. I
That's what I thought at the beginning
we were gonna have and
you all said the same thing,
which is that it was
great at the beginning.
If you think about
vacations, what's a vacation?
It's like a new beginning every time.
Oh, so I'm sorry.
Your pitch is that you could be
less of a dick in two-week chunks?
- There you go. Of course.
- Okay.
Two weeks, I could do it.
- Can you just give us a moment
- Yes, please.
So we can have a
Quinn family discussion?
- Okay.
- Thank you.
It takes strength to listen
to the pain you've caused.
The man these women married
would never have been so unselfish.
- I'm proud of you.
- Thank you, honey.
We've decided.
We would like to invite you
to our trip next year to Hilton Head.
Really? Thank you. I
consider that a genuine honor.
I, I can't wait to come.
[LAUGHS]
You know, if I'm free.
Put me down as a standing maybe.
I was thinking it wouldn't kill
me to learn Dutch for Katja.
It's a very sweet thing
to do for your lover.
- Yeah.
- You know, the two of you
are quite the classic
couple. She's a beautiful lady.
You're just a grumpy old man.
Let's do the lesson before
I wanna strangle you.
Let's start with the basics.
- Okay.
- Okay?
- Hallo.
- Hello.
No. Hallo.
- Hallo.
- Listen to me.
- Hallo.
- I'm listening to you.
Are you listening to me? Hallo.
Yeah, that sounded much worse.
- Hallo.
- Hallo.
Listen, please.
Get out of my office.