Good Vibes (2011) s01e09 Episode Script
Mondo Mia!
- [sucking.]
[surf music.]
- Who - Is - That - Person? What? I like being part of sentences, too.
- Oh, my god, it's him! It's mondo.
- well, I'm the king of the ocean they call me mondo man - Oh! - Ahh! - yes, I'm the king of the ocean they call me mondo man - [sucking.]
- let's get this party started 'cause I'm comin' to your sands - [coughing.]
oh, yeah.
- I intoxicate the ladies they're addicted to my crack [neon buzzing.]
I've got a buddy who's a shark he's always got my back Right, terry? [guitar solo.]
I'm the king of the ocean they call me mondo man get those funbags ready 'cause I'm coming with both hands Motorboat! [gurgling.]
All: he's the king of the ocean they call him mondo man - he's got a red-hot mama - but who the hell's his dad? - What did you say? - Who is the dad? - I--I'm not sure.
- Who is the dad? - I don't know! [laughter.]
- You know, I almost didn't even ask that question Because it was too stupid.
[rock music.]
- Mondo, check it out.
- Um, yeah, yeah, skin cancer's no joke.
- Dude, what is with you today? Oh, dad stuff again, huh? - I mean, most of the time, I'm cool not having a dad, But sometimes I just wish I knew who he was.
- So weird that your mom won't tell you.
- Whenever I try to talk to her about it, She thinks she can just distract me with ice cream, As if a deeply emotional hole in my soul could be filled With the temporary satisfaction of a frozen treat.
- What were we talking about again? - You were sad about your dad.
- Really? Because I feel so happy and satisfied with this ice cream.
[sighs.]
I guess I'll never know who he is.
- Well, hey, there, student people.
- Principal gurniel? You play music on the street? - Can't afford the houseboat-swinger lifestyle On a public-school salary.
Anyhoo, it sounds like you need to send back Your down-in-the-dumplings for a better happy-tizer.
Here's a little ditty to pick you up.
a fatherless son wanders the world alone no "dad pics" folder on his iphone no one to teach him how to grow up to spank it or crank it or pee standing up - It's true.
I spray all over the place, Like a hose with the thumb on the nozzle.
just think of the dad things that I'll never know [thump.]
[bell rings.]
- building your muscles just like the pros - helping to make your garden grow - or selling sperms just for the dough - but having a dad can be a real suck-fest work comes first and then all the rest coming home drunk with all his slutty guests - but then they buy you brand-new breasts - no one to teach me how to grow up to spank it or crank it or pee standing up - Hey! Get the [bleep.]
away from my kid, you perv! - Getting old sucks, voneeta.
I mean, sure I'm a milf.
But how long before I'm a gilf or a g-gilf, Or worse, my "ilf" days are gone forever? - Oh, plug your three holes, sex-face.
I know you're p.
M.
S.
-Ing about your birthday this week, But if you're feelin' old and down, do what I do.
Strap on the internets and give facebook a poke-see.
- I don't know.
I mean, I wouldn't even know where to begin.
- Just pop in a password.
And now all we need is a photo.
- Hmm.
I don't know if I have a recent one.
- Oh, I have a bunch of you sleeping.
Oh, did I say "sleeping"? I meant blinking Late at night In bed.
You look really pretty when you blink.
- Ugh, him? And him? Every horny creep I ever dated is in here.
- Hey, ma I was hoping I could ask you something, Uh, about my dad.
- Honey, it's not a good time.
Here.
- But I really need to-- Oh! Dulce de leche! [grumbling.]
- Dude, I got it! - Got what? - You heard babs.
Every guy she ever dated is on her facebook.
One of those horny creeps could be your dad! - Balls! Without my mom's password, I can't see any of these guys' profiles.
Oh, my dad's so close, I can smell him.
[sniffs.]
baby powder and chinese food? - Eggroll? [both scream.]
- Wadska! What the [bleep.]
are you doing in my closet? - We had a secret sleepover last night.
- I don't know what you're talking about.
- Well, it wouldn't be a secret if you did! Now, do you want my help In hacking your mother's account, or not? - I guess.
- [cracks knuckles.]
[giggles.]
okay, barbara "babs" brando, It's time to get inside you.
You're a woman, a lady, a mother with breasts! And what's most important to a mother? Your child, your son, your little itty-bitty baby, Your mondo, your little munchkin! Hmm, I'm close, aren't I, babs? You're a woman of certain tastes, certain wants, Certain desires! You clever, clever girl.
Boom! We're in! - What was the password? - Eh, munchkinmama69.
- Nice.
- 3,000 friends? Ahh! This would be so much easier If we only knew your mom's menstrual cycle.
- What? - 15th of every month, Like clockwork.
Her breasts swell up, am I the only one that notices? - All right, factoring in a gestation period of 280 days Tells us mondo was conceived on or around 12:05am, July fourth, 1995, plus or minus six days.
- That's the summer she worked at disney! - Land? - World.
- [whistles.]
- whistle! - I know, right? She ran the gelato stand In the international food court.
- Ahh! Excellent.
Filtering our results by gender, former employers And overly friendly messages, drum roll please One of these four men is your father! - Um, one of these is a cartoon duck.
- One of these three men and a cartoon duck is your father! - [chomps.]
- I was the new girl I was the cool girl now I'm nothing but an old cougar I used to turn heads, fall out of strange beds now I'm stuck wearing my mom jeans instead all the boys used to say such sweet things like "give us a kiss," and "show us your tits" now all they call me is "lady" and "ma'am" oh, what I'd give to hear just one-- - God damn! I'm not the new girl [bank alarm rings.]
I'm not the cool girl now I am only an aging cougar [fireworks explode.]
- yeah.
- We gotta do something.
What if we threw her an awesome party? - You young hoochie-coochie flapper girls, Thinking all life's problems Can be solved with some spiked punch And an assortment of paraffin rainbow lip coverings.
- Listen, someday somebody's gonna call me a cougar, Or whatever people call hot older chicks in the future.
- Skank.
I'm pretty sure it'll be skank.
Things tend to run in cycles.
- Sure, and when that happens, all I know Is that nothing would make me feel more vital and alive Than partying with my friends Until I'm passed out in a pool of my own vom.
- Hells, yea my [bleep.]
is pumped up right now! God damn, I need a beat! [record spins at fast speed.]
[hip-hop music.]
- uh-huh, back up here it comes now I roll up one, two, three, four deep but ain't no one around, that's just me the "t" to the double e-t-z sitting high, sitting fly like pharcyde said, I keep on - passing you by passing you by - but it ain't about me it's about "b" biggity "b," biggity "a," biggity "b," biggity "z" I'm talking babs - what? - talkin' babs - who? the queen, the diva, my reason to be oughta put that ass on mtv - Okay, okay, I hear you, ms.
"t," but check this, We got a party to plan, so shop 'til we drop, we gots to cop swiping plastic, dropping cash like we slinging rock buyin' up the bar, oh, snap, that's right bar's already bought - bought, bought, bought - Not bad, jeena, but I think it's about that time.
Yo, tang, hit 'em with the hook! - Hey-y.
"t" to the "ang.
" You better recognize.
hau'oli la hanau is the way we say gonna get real crunk on babs' birthday hau'oli la hanau is the way we say gonna freak and funk all on your face [record scratch.]
- Sending a mass evite right now.
Wow, ms.
Teets.
Where did you learn to rap like that? - Oh, well, let's just say I banged a lot of black guys And they were always listening to rap music So I got really good at rapping, or something.
- So who are the three maybe-daddies? - First one is nicos petros.
- He's a yachting enthusiast! - What island is that-a, papi? - Yeah, that's your island, my little prince.
Mondonesia, the island of forbidden bikini.
All: [giggle.]
- [laughs.]
I could live with that.
Who's next? - Jag knullerbrod.
- Dude! He's an effin' swedish rock star! [scandinavian pop music.]
- Vat city are ve in, fahder? - Your city, sonny.
Mondostadt.
[crowd cheers.]
Now take your stage dive.
- Yeah! Seriously, you guys gotta get in on these fantasies.
I'm killing it in here.
And the last one? - Lord clive goodspeed, of the buckinghamshire goodspeeds.
- Oh, look at the resemblance! It's like I'm staring into a mirror.
[classical music.]
Your turn, daddy! Best of luck hitting a googly on that sticky wicket.
- Pish posh.
Tea? [rings bell.]
All: [giggle.]
- You hit the jackpot, dude.
Now we just need a way to narrow them down.
- Mmm Mamma mia! Hello, mamma mia? The classic swede-pop musical And motion picture of the same name? But the singing, the dancing, The sequined spandex that line the body.
Oh! Nothing? It's simple.
We send a facebook message from "babs brando," Inviting the potential papas To your mom's birthday party this weekend, We do a little private dick work, And faster than you can sing dancing queen, You will know who your daddy is! - That's actually a really great idea.
- And to put us in the mood, I just happen to have A dvd of mamma mia! Look mommy, I'm a lady now! Pretty, pretty lady! Oops, wrong one.
- We still got some time to kill before the party, So what are you guys in the mood for--coke, lsd? - Heroin? - Oh, we always do heroin.
Let's just put it on random.
Perfect! - And uno, dos, tres, quatro! [rock music.]
- jersey girl and her little brat they headed west and that was that hungry heart and born to run left the shore to have some fun well, we got each other and that's all we need all daddy did was plant the seed hey, hey, hey, hey little bastard [saxophone solo.]
- Hey! - he'll keep searchin' those back streets for the only man to make his family complete dreams of the reunion of the jersey dad and the california son, but until that day comes well, we got each other and that's all we need all daddy did was plant the seed - hey, hey, hey, hey - little bastard - Very heartfelt, very thematical.
- I know, right? - Encore! Encore! - Is this your underwear? - Maybe.
- We've gotta get over to the party! I've got some dads to meet! - now all they call me is "lady" and "ma'am" what I would give to hear just one-- - God damn! [club music.]
- yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
- So what's your strategy? How are you gonna know who your dad is? - I'll just know, woodie.
I'll feel it in my heart.
- But the heart lies.
Semen doesn't.
- yeah! - What the hell was that? - Oh, it's just my david caruso sunglasses.
They came with my "csi jr.
Dna testing kit," Which I'm gonna use to determine who your father is! - yeah! [door opens.]
[door closes.]
- Okay, there's papa nicos.
Let's go.
Both: [chomp.]
[burp.]
Balls! - Dude, that's eerie.
- I know! We couldn't be more different.
Like, my polar opposite in every way-- Ooh, I love this tune! [folk music.]
- Looks like the catch of the day Is you.
- yeah! - [sighs.]
[door closes.]
Hey! Check it out! We have the same penis! We're penis twins! [taser zapping.]
oh! [zipper sound.]
- If it's yellow, wadska says "hello.
" - yeah! - Hey, small wonder, want some punch? - Okay, you're either going to punch me in the face, Or dunk my head in the punch.
- Actually, I was just trying to be nice, But those ideas are hard to resist.
- Unfist that lad.
- What? - I said unfist! Ha! [thumping.]
- Gentleman ninja! Run! All: [whimper and moan.]
- You all right there, son? - Son? - Quite a hooligan, that one.
I'm guessing there's a girl involved? - There is! Jeena! She's awesome, But whenever I'm around her I get all tongue-tied.
- Oh, tongue-tied is good! You just need to blend it with a proper british accent And you'll be a hobbit-sized hugh grant in no time.
[laughs.]
now get to it! - 'ello, jeena.
- Um, that's the worst accent I've ever heard.
- Bollocks! Excuse me, party-guest, would you mind Signing this birthday card for babs? - Be my pleasure.
Blast! Paper cut.
- Oh I'm so sorry, here.
Let's just dab that up with this glass specimen slide.
Now let's see if you've made The cut.
- yeah! - Well, I think it's pretty clear Who my father is.
- Clive.
- Nicos.
- Jag.
So it's official--cartoon duck has been eliminated, And the dna results will be ready in ten minutes.
- Uh, we may not have to wait that long, dude.
All: Happy birthday.
- Feliz cumpleaños, babs! - Oh, my god, nicos? Jag? Clive? I haven't seen you guys in, what, fifteen years? Uh, mondo, what's going on here? - 'kay, and I think you'll get a kick out of this, So I hacked into your facebook account--sorry-- Pretended to be you-- again sorry-- Sent lascivious messages promising sex-- - Oh.
- Mmm.
- Super sorry-- And invited these guys here for your happy day! So which one's my daddy? - [chomps.]
- Your daddy? [sighs.]
oh, mondo honey, none of them are.
- But I was gonna be a yachtsman with nicos.
Yachtsman? Oh, no, no, no.
I'm afraid you have the wrong impression of me.
I steal boats, but only to smuggle drugs.
- Oh, okay, but I could have lived the rock star life With my penis twin jag! [taser zapping.]
- [gags.]
- He'll be fine.
Also, I am no rock star, Unless you call having the world's only One-man abba tribute band being a rock star.
- So I guess you're not a real lord With hundreds of acres, Teeming with a bevy of topless tea maidens? - Actually, it's thousands of acres, And the tea maidens are completely nude.
But I am not your father.
- I'm sorry, honey, these guysys are just my friend.
I didn't sleep with any of them.
Although if you have an opening as a tea maiden [laughs.]
anyway, You know what, I think we need to talk.
- Wait! No one's going anywhere! I've got a positive match.
Your father is - [chomps.]
yeah, uh, mmm.
- Me! There's traces of my dna in every sample.
- Wadska, that doesn't make any sense.
- I always suspected I was some sort of time-traveling lothario.
This case is Closed.
Cheap-ass batteries.
yeah! - I should have told you about your father a long time ago.
Your father was part of a powerful family.
- The mob? - He didn't like to say, but yeah.
Anyway, your father was what they call a cleaner.
[car explodes.]
- He got rid of bodies? No! It was mostly custodial.
[vacuum cleaner runs.]
- whoa.
All: [giggle.]
- and no, there weren't any Topless maids there, if that's what you're thinking.
Anyway, he saw some things that he shouldn't have seen.
And after that, his life was in danger.
[beeps.]
[explosion.]
- Balls.
- Since I was pregnant, he went into hiding, And I spent the summer in the nicest, Safest place I could think of-- Orlando, florida.
Oh, he's not your dad, but I did smush the hell outta that duck.
At the end of the summer, I went back to jersey, Where I had you, the best thing that ever happened to me.
Now come on, let's get back inside.
Your plan may have been stupid, But it did show me that guys will still Travel across the world for a little slice of this.
[glasses clink.]
[buttons rip.]
- oy.
- What exactly did you promise those guys anyway? [synthesizer music.]
I am jag, and this is Abba-ortion! [pop music.]
.]
- Got my ladies here with me and we're gonna set it off A milf, a gilf, and a future skank, And whatever ms.
Teets is called I'm a b.
B.
Dubz who's d.
T.
F.
That stands for big-Boned woman who's down to [bleep.]
- Okay.
All: So raise a glass and baby get some ass I'm gonna get super drunk and pass out behind the stage If any ladies want to take advantage Of a boy that's underage I'd say that you're on thin ice, mister If i wasn't gonna pass out first - Awesome! All: So raise a glass and baby get some ass - We came here for a brando bang We'll settle for some teets and tang - Oh, it's on.
- Yeah.
All: So raise a glass and baby get some ass So raise a glass and baby get some ass So raise a glass and baby get some ass - So go getcha some.
I'd love to teach him how to grow up To spank it, or crank it, or pee standing up [Chomp.]
Oh!
[surf music.]
- Who - Is - That - Person? What? I like being part of sentences, too.
- Oh, my god, it's him! It's mondo.
- well, I'm the king of the ocean they call me mondo man - Oh! - Ahh! - yes, I'm the king of the ocean they call me mondo man - [sucking.]
- let's get this party started 'cause I'm comin' to your sands - [coughing.]
oh, yeah.
- I intoxicate the ladies they're addicted to my crack [neon buzzing.]
I've got a buddy who's a shark he's always got my back Right, terry? [guitar solo.]
I'm the king of the ocean they call me mondo man get those funbags ready 'cause I'm coming with both hands Motorboat! [gurgling.]
All: he's the king of the ocean they call him mondo man - he's got a red-hot mama - but who the hell's his dad? - What did you say? - Who is the dad? - I--I'm not sure.
- Who is the dad? - I don't know! [laughter.]
- You know, I almost didn't even ask that question Because it was too stupid.
[rock music.]
- Mondo, check it out.
- Um, yeah, yeah, skin cancer's no joke.
- Dude, what is with you today? Oh, dad stuff again, huh? - I mean, most of the time, I'm cool not having a dad, But sometimes I just wish I knew who he was.
- So weird that your mom won't tell you.
- Whenever I try to talk to her about it, She thinks she can just distract me with ice cream, As if a deeply emotional hole in my soul could be filled With the temporary satisfaction of a frozen treat.
- What were we talking about again? - You were sad about your dad.
- Really? Because I feel so happy and satisfied with this ice cream.
[sighs.]
I guess I'll never know who he is.
- Well, hey, there, student people.
- Principal gurniel? You play music on the street? - Can't afford the houseboat-swinger lifestyle On a public-school salary.
Anyhoo, it sounds like you need to send back Your down-in-the-dumplings for a better happy-tizer.
Here's a little ditty to pick you up.
a fatherless son wanders the world alone no "dad pics" folder on his iphone no one to teach him how to grow up to spank it or crank it or pee standing up - It's true.
I spray all over the place, Like a hose with the thumb on the nozzle.
just think of the dad things that I'll never know [thump.]
[bell rings.]
- building your muscles just like the pros - helping to make your garden grow - or selling sperms just for the dough - but having a dad can be a real suck-fest work comes first and then all the rest coming home drunk with all his slutty guests - but then they buy you brand-new breasts - no one to teach me how to grow up to spank it or crank it or pee standing up - Hey! Get the [bleep.]
away from my kid, you perv! - Getting old sucks, voneeta.
I mean, sure I'm a milf.
But how long before I'm a gilf or a g-gilf, Or worse, my "ilf" days are gone forever? - Oh, plug your three holes, sex-face.
I know you're p.
M.
S.
-Ing about your birthday this week, But if you're feelin' old and down, do what I do.
Strap on the internets and give facebook a poke-see.
- I don't know.
I mean, I wouldn't even know where to begin.
- Just pop in a password.
And now all we need is a photo.
- Hmm.
I don't know if I have a recent one.
- Oh, I have a bunch of you sleeping.
Oh, did I say "sleeping"? I meant blinking Late at night In bed.
You look really pretty when you blink.
- Ugh, him? And him? Every horny creep I ever dated is in here.
- Hey, ma I was hoping I could ask you something, Uh, about my dad.
- Honey, it's not a good time.
Here.
- But I really need to-- Oh! Dulce de leche! [grumbling.]
- Dude, I got it! - Got what? - You heard babs.
Every guy she ever dated is on her facebook.
One of those horny creeps could be your dad! - Balls! Without my mom's password, I can't see any of these guys' profiles.
Oh, my dad's so close, I can smell him.
[sniffs.]
baby powder and chinese food? - Eggroll? [both scream.]
- Wadska! What the [bleep.]
are you doing in my closet? - We had a secret sleepover last night.
- I don't know what you're talking about.
- Well, it wouldn't be a secret if you did! Now, do you want my help In hacking your mother's account, or not? - I guess.
- [cracks knuckles.]
[giggles.]
okay, barbara "babs" brando, It's time to get inside you.
You're a woman, a lady, a mother with breasts! And what's most important to a mother? Your child, your son, your little itty-bitty baby, Your mondo, your little munchkin! Hmm, I'm close, aren't I, babs? You're a woman of certain tastes, certain wants, Certain desires! You clever, clever girl.
Boom! We're in! - What was the password? - Eh, munchkinmama69.
- Nice.
- 3,000 friends? Ahh! This would be so much easier If we only knew your mom's menstrual cycle.
- What? - 15th of every month, Like clockwork.
Her breasts swell up, am I the only one that notices? - All right, factoring in a gestation period of 280 days Tells us mondo was conceived on or around 12:05am, July fourth, 1995, plus or minus six days.
- That's the summer she worked at disney! - Land? - World.
- [whistles.]
- whistle! - I know, right? She ran the gelato stand In the international food court.
- Ahh! Excellent.
Filtering our results by gender, former employers And overly friendly messages, drum roll please One of these four men is your father! - Um, one of these is a cartoon duck.
- One of these three men and a cartoon duck is your father! - [chomps.]
- I was the new girl I was the cool girl now I'm nothing but an old cougar I used to turn heads, fall out of strange beds now I'm stuck wearing my mom jeans instead all the boys used to say such sweet things like "give us a kiss," and "show us your tits" now all they call me is "lady" and "ma'am" oh, what I'd give to hear just one-- - God damn! I'm not the new girl [bank alarm rings.]
I'm not the cool girl now I am only an aging cougar [fireworks explode.]
- yeah.
- We gotta do something.
What if we threw her an awesome party? - You young hoochie-coochie flapper girls, Thinking all life's problems Can be solved with some spiked punch And an assortment of paraffin rainbow lip coverings.
- Listen, someday somebody's gonna call me a cougar, Or whatever people call hot older chicks in the future.
- Skank.
I'm pretty sure it'll be skank.
Things tend to run in cycles.
- Sure, and when that happens, all I know Is that nothing would make me feel more vital and alive Than partying with my friends Until I'm passed out in a pool of my own vom.
- Hells, yea my [bleep.]
is pumped up right now! God damn, I need a beat! [record spins at fast speed.]
[hip-hop music.]
- uh-huh, back up here it comes now I roll up one, two, three, four deep but ain't no one around, that's just me the "t" to the double e-t-z sitting high, sitting fly like pharcyde said, I keep on - passing you by passing you by - but it ain't about me it's about "b" biggity "b," biggity "a," biggity "b," biggity "z" I'm talking babs - what? - talkin' babs - who? the queen, the diva, my reason to be oughta put that ass on mtv - Okay, okay, I hear you, ms.
"t," but check this, We got a party to plan, so shop 'til we drop, we gots to cop swiping plastic, dropping cash like we slinging rock buyin' up the bar, oh, snap, that's right bar's already bought - bought, bought, bought - Not bad, jeena, but I think it's about that time.
Yo, tang, hit 'em with the hook! - Hey-y.
"t" to the "ang.
" You better recognize.
hau'oli la hanau is the way we say gonna get real crunk on babs' birthday hau'oli la hanau is the way we say gonna freak and funk all on your face [record scratch.]
- Sending a mass evite right now.
Wow, ms.
Teets.
Where did you learn to rap like that? - Oh, well, let's just say I banged a lot of black guys And they were always listening to rap music So I got really good at rapping, or something.
- So who are the three maybe-daddies? - First one is nicos petros.
- He's a yachting enthusiast! - What island is that-a, papi? - Yeah, that's your island, my little prince.
Mondonesia, the island of forbidden bikini.
All: [giggle.]
- [laughs.]
I could live with that.
Who's next? - Jag knullerbrod.
- Dude! He's an effin' swedish rock star! [scandinavian pop music.]
- Vat city are ve in, fahder? - Your city, sonny.
Mondostadt.
[crowd cheers.]
Now take your stage dive.
- Yeah! Seriously, you guys gotta get in on these fantasies.
I'm killing it in here.
And the last one? - Lord clive goodspeed, of the buckinghamshire goodspeeds.
- Oh, look at the resemblance! It's like I'm staring into a mirror.
[classical music.]
Your turn, daddy! Best of luck hitting a googly on that sticky wicket.
- Pish posh.
Tea? [rings bell.]
All: [giggle.]
- You hit the jackpot, dude.
Now we just need a way to narrow them down.
- Mmm Mamma mia! Hello, mamma mia? The classic swede-pop musical And motion picture of the same name? But the singing, the dancing, The sequined spandex that line the body.
Oh! Nothing? It's simple.
We send a facebook message from "babs brando," Inviting the potential papas To your mom's birthday party this weekend, We do a little private dick work, And faster than you can sing dancing queen, You will know who your daddy is! - That's actually a really great idea.
- And to put us in the mood, I just happen to have A dvd of mamma mia! Look mommy, I'm a lady now! Pretty, pretty lady! Oops, wrong one.
- We still got some time to kill before the party, So what are you guys in the mood for--coke, lsd? - Heroin? - Oh, we always do heroin.
Let's just put it on random.
Perfect! - And uno, dos, tres, quatro! [rock music.]
- jersey girl and her little brat they headed west and that was that hungry heart and born to run left the shore to have some fun well, we got each other and that's all we need all daddy did was plant the seed hey, hey, hey, hey little bastard [saxophone solo.]
- Hey! - he'll keep searchin' those back streets for the only man to make his family complete dreams of the reunion of the jersey dad and the california son, but until that day comes well, we got each other and that's all we need all daddy did was plant the seed - hey, hey, hey, hey - little bastard - Very heartfelt, very thematical.
- I know, right? - Encore! Encore! - Is this your underwear? - Maybe.
- We've gotta get over to the party! I've got some dads to meet! - now all they call me is "lady" and "ma'am" what I would give to hear just one-- - God damn! [club music.]
- yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
- So what's your strategy? How are you gonna know who your dad is? - I'll just know, woodie.
I'll feel it in my heart.
- But the heart lies.
Semen doesn't.
- yeah! - What the hell was that? - Oh, it's just my david caruso sunglasses.
They came with my "csi jr.
Dna testing kit," Which I'm gonna use to determine who your father is! - yeah! [door opens.]
[door closes.]
- Okay, there's papa nicos.
Let's go.
Both: [chomp.]
[burp.]
Balls! - Dude, that's eerie.
- I know! We couldn't be more different.
Like, my polar opposite in every way-- Ooh, I love this tune! [folk music.]
- Looks like the catch of the day Is you.
- yeah! - [sighs.]
[door closes.]
Hey! Check it out! We have the same penis! We're penis twins! [taser zapping.]
oh! [zipper sound.]
- If it's yellow, wadska says "hello.
" - yeah! - Hey, small wonder, want some punch? - Okay, you're either going to punch me in the face, Or dunk my head in the punch.
- Actually, I was just trying to be nice, But those ideas are hard to resist.
- Unfist that lad.
- What? - I said unfist! Ha! [thumping.]
- Gentleman ninja! Run! All: [whimper and moan.]
- You all right there, son? - Son? - Quite a hooligan, that one.
I'm guessing there's a girl involved? - There is! Jeena! She's awesome, But whenever I'm around her I get all tongue-tied.
- Oh, tongue-tied is good! You just need to blend it with a proper british accent And you'll be a hobbit-sized hugh grant in no time.
[laughs.]
now get to it! - 'ello, jeena.
- Um, that's the worst accent I've ever heard.
- Bollocks! Excuse me, party-guest, would you mind Signing this birthday card for babs? - Be my pleasure.
Blast! Paper cut.
- Oh I'm so sorry, here.
Let's just dab that up with this glass specimen slide.
Now let's see if you've made The cut.
- yeah! - Well, I think it's pretty clear Who my father is.
- Clive.
- Nicos.
- Jag.
So it's official--cartoon duck has been eliminated, And the dna results will be ready in ten minutes.
- Uh, we may not have to wait that long, dude.
All: Happy birthday.
- Feliz cumpleaños, babs! - Oh, my god, nicos? Jag? Clive? I haven't seen you guys in, what, fifteen years? Uh, mondo, what's going on here? - 'kay, and I think you'll get a kick out of this, So I hacked into your facebook account--sorry-- Pretended to be you-- again sorry-- Sent lascivious messages promising sex-- - Oh.
- Mmm.
- Super sorry-- And invited these guys here for your happy day! So which one's my daddy? - [chomps.]
- Your daddy? [sighs.]
oh, mondo honey, none of them are.
- But I was gonna be a yachtsman with nicos.
Yachtsman? Oh, no, no, no.
I'm afraid you have the wrong impression of me.
I steal boats, but only to smuggle drugs.
- Oh, okay, but I could have lived the rock star life With my penis twin jag! [taser zapping.]
- [gags.]
- He'll be fine.
Also, I am no rock star, Unless you call having the world's only One-man abba tribute band being a rock star.
- So I guess you're not a real lord With hundreds of acres, Teeming with a bevy of topless tea maidens? - Actually, it's thousands of acres, And the tea maidens are completely nude.
But I am not your father.
- I'm sorry, honey, these guysys are just my friend.
I didn't sleep with any of them.
Although if you have an opening as a tea maiden [laughs.]
anyway, You know what, I think we need to talk.
- Wait! No one's going anywhere! I've got a positive match.
Your father is - [chomps.]
yeah, uh, mmm.
- Me! There's traces of my dna in every sample.
- Wadska, that doesn't make any sense.
- I always suspected I was some sort of time-traveling lothario.
This case is Closed.
Cheap-ass batteries.
yeah! - I should have told you about your father a long time ago.
Your father was part of a powerful family.
- The mob? - He didn't like to say, but yeah.
Anyway, your father was what they call a cleaner.
[car explodes.]
- He got rid of bodies? No! It was mostly custodial.
[vacuum cleaner runs.]
- whoa.
All: [giggle.]
- and no, there weren't any Topless maids there, if that's what you're thinking.
Anyway, he saw some things that he shouldn't have seen.
And after that, his life was in danger.
[beeps.]
[explosion.]
- Balls.
- Since I was pregnant, he went into hiding, And I spent the summer in the nicest, Safest place I could think of-- Orlando, florida.
Oh, he's not your dad, but I did smush the hell outta that duck.
At the end of the summer, I went back to jersey, Where I had you, the best thing that ever happened to me.
Now come on, let's get back inside.
Your plan may have been stupid, But it did show me that guys will still Travel across the world for a little slice of this.
[glasses clink.]
[buttons rip.]
- oy.
- What exactly did you promise those guys anyway? [synthesizer music.]
I am jag, and this is Abba-ortion! [pop music.]
.]
- Got my ladies here with me and we're gonna set it off A milf, a gilf, and a future skank, And whatever ms.
Teets is called I'm a b.
B.
Dubz who's d.
T.
F.
That stands for big-Boned woman who's down to [bleep.]
- Okay.
All: So raise a glass and baby get some ass I'm gonna get super drunk and pass out behind the stage If any ladies want to take advantage Of a boy that's underage I'd say that you're on thin ice, mister If i wasn't gonna pass out first - Awesome! All: So raise a glass and baby get some ass - We came here for a brando bang We'll settle for some teets and tang - Oh, it's on.
- Yeah.
All: So raise a glass and baby get some ass So raise a glass and baby get some ass So raise a glass and baby get some ass - So go getcha some.
I'd love to teach him how to grow up To spank it, or crank it, or pee standing up [Chomp.]
Oh!