Grace and Frankie (2015) s01e09 Episode Script

1 Ripped By mstoll Mrs Should at least be Ms, huh? My husband is marrying your husband.
- Yeah.
- I wonder how they decided whose name went on top.
As germane as that question might be, I'd like to focus on this hideous font.
If you let your eyes relax, you can see a lion in there.
It's really happening.
Here, pull my finger.
No, I'm not doing that again.
Fool me once No, pull my ring off! - There you go.
- Thank you.
Weird, huh? Just make sure it comes off for good before the wedding.
I don't think I'm going.
There's not an invitation here for me.
Dream on.
Sol's probably gonna ask you to do an interpretive dance.
I don't think I can.
I mean, I could I mean, I usually see where my body takes me in the moment.
Definitely don't do that.
OK Ta-da! Our first RSVP card.
Who's it from? Frankie's cousin, Donald.
We invited him? You insisted, as I recall.
That's right, I did.
He's a good dancer.
If people are shy about dancing, he'll kick things off.
He'll have the wild salmon and the chicken.
He's a large dancer.
I still think it's an abomination we're not serving a red meat option.
Ring, ring.
Hello? Crying mama cow, asking where her babies are.
Hey! Spit! Spit, where are you? Hi.
Oh, there he is! Oh, come here! Oh, wow, he's fat.
Thank you for taking care of him.
Oh, he was a prince Except when he puked in my bed, but then he ate it.
Mmm.
He's real thoughtful that way.
He also thoughtfully ate two bees, a wooden spoon, and my favourite Spanx.
- Did I get any mail? - Oh, yeah.
You know, I think it might be easier for the DNC to just move in.
Hello, chef.
Tell us what you're making today.
It's personal lubricant.
Mom, Frankie verbally molested me.
Join the club, honey.
And you're using this, like, for Adult lubricating purposes? - Sure.
- Yeah, we both do.
No.
Nope.
No to all of this.
I'm gonna take my dog and go.
Don't you want to say hi to Guy? Hi, Guy.
I gotta go.
Do you know that 84% of postmenopausal women find sex painful? Why are you saying those words? Oh, because I think the head of a beauty company might be interested in a product her customers need.
Mom, we're going younger.
You are missing out on a huge market.
Do you know what they put in most lube? Paraben.
Glycerin, silicone.
This stuff is all natural, truly organic.
I'm talking farm to vagina.
I mean, women are putting terrible chemicals in their body, and the problem is nobody's talking about it.
No, Mom, the problem is you're talking about it.
Come on, Spit.
We're going to leave these filthy ladies be.
Yeah, wait! Wait.
- Ew.
Ew! Mom! - Just think about it.
Or use it yourself.
Personal lubricant is for everybody.
God! We're never coming back here.
Where are you off to? Hey, hi.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
- I'm going to go buy some golf shoes.
- Yeah, we're going golfing.
- You are? - Mmm.
And you are? You don't strike me as a golf guy, Guy.
I'm doing it for Harris.
You know, he loved golf.
The guy you ate? - The guy he ate.
- Yeah Hey, why don't I pick up some hoagies, bring 'em back.
They'd go great with the soup.
Great.
I love hoagies! I'll see you later, huh? Now, Grace, walk me through this.
When you eat a hoagie and then you do your 18 holes, do you leave your bullshit in the house, or take it with you? You hate golf.
You only pretended to like it for Robert.
What's real, Grace? Who are you? Seriously? You just put Sol's flu shot on our calendar.
I've got to remind him.
He never remembers.
Can you remind me to remind him? Frankie, freeze.
I'm going to take a picture of your dysfunction.
OK, maybe Sol and I are a little too close, but at least I have a relationship - with my ex.
- I have a relationship with Robert.
In fact, he's coming over later to borrow my big book of party vendors.
Oh, so it's OK for you to spend time with your ex-husband, but not me? It's OK if my six-foot-four, still boyishly good-looking lover's going to be here.
I see what you're doing.
Accidental meeting.
Erica Kane did that to Dimitri Marick on All My Children.
Someone ended up dying, then coming back as a twin, and then dying again in a grain silo.
I like it.
OK, how about this? A hand cream, that's also a foot cream, that's also an eye cream.
- Three-in-ones are big right now.
- Four-in-ones are big right now.
But is anyone doing a five-in-one? But if we put everything in one product, how do we sell our other products? Is it time to bring back potpourri? Is it 1989 in my grandma's underwear drawer? OK, OK.
I'm just trying to think outside the box, Adam.
I mean, there's a reason why Alberto VO5 is dying.
It's because there's no Alberto VO6.
We need something new.
Which is exactly why I pitched lotion socks.
Which I know you hated, and I shouldn't be bringing up right now, but And yet you are bringing it up again, Stephen.
Nobody wants lotion socks.
You need to stop saying it.
Oh! Should we get your mom on speakerphone? Because she is really good at coming up with new stuff.
- Yeah, she was.
- She really was.
No.
My mom is not the only person in my family who has great ideas.
I think she is.
No.
They agree.
Oh, yeah? Well, get ready, because I have an idea.
Oh, boy! Hand sanitizer? Bananas? Used tissues? No.
Is it hair gel? - It's lube.
- Oh.
Vaginal lubricant.
Disgusting, right? Wrong.
84% of postmenopausal women find sex painful due to vaginal dryness.
- Those women need our help.
- I'm sure they do, - but aren't we trying to skew younger? - No.
We're trying to make money, and there are twice as many dry vaginas out there as there are wet ones, and not just old vaginas.
Young vaginas are dry, too.
Personal lubricant is for everybody! But we are a beauty company And, Erica, our customers have vaginal dryness and or vaginal atrophy.
And we need to make that beautiful.
Let's do an informal focus group.
We're going to test drive this lube and report back at our Friday meeting.
Not how focus groups work.
Well, that's why I called it informal.
And I'm not currently seeing anyone.
- Greg and I are off again.
- Good.
- Oh Tear.
- You could try Barry in accounting.
He's desperate.
Barry.
Barry.
That's not funny.
He tries.
- OK.
That dies here.
- Yeah.
Um, question, who are you going to be using it with? OK, Adam, if it wasn't for your gorgeous penmanship, I would have fired you a long time ago.
Right.
But then you would have hired me back because you miss me too much.
And then I would have fired you again because it would be fun.
Oh, guys, also this is edible.
Oh.
Well, in that case Well, you're sure it's not going to be weird with Robert? We have to tell him about us sometime.
Tonight seems as good as any.
Well, I just think it's wonderful that you're helping him with his wedding.
I mean, most married couples, when they split up, you know They're at each other's throats.
But the two of you are so good to each other, it's Very admirable.
Well, I'm just so happy for him and for Sol.
And for gay people in general.
All the new rights they're enjoying, parades - OK? - Yeah.
I'm so sorry, but the door to the street was open.
Frankie always forgets to lock it.
- Hello.
How are you? - I'll get the book.
- You're a lifesaver.
- Hey, Robert.
- Guy? What are you doing here? - Hi.
Shouldn't you be rappelling down a glacier somewhere? No, I'm here.
In La Jolla.
Why didn't you call me? Well, I've been Busy.
- With what? - With me, Robert.
He's been busy with me.
Huh? Oh Oh.
Oh Wow.
I've been meaning to tell you.
Grace and I bumped into each other about three weeks ago, - and since then it's just been - Magical.
Life-affirming.
Transformative.
Yes.
Well, I'm happy for you both.
Oh, and Robert, I got the invitation to your wedding, and I will be attending with Guy as my plus one.
Ah.
So, maybe we could all get together.
I would like that.
- So, I can call you, and we can - We'll make plans.
- Make a plan.
- Sure.
All right.
I should go.
Thank you.
Yeah.
I have to go now.
She's loaning me her book.
I won't bore you with the details.
It's not magical, or life-affirming, or transformative.
Robert.
It's been great to see you.
- You too, Guy.
Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
Oh, that was fun.
To what do I owe this lovely surprise visit? Well, I was in the 'hood.
I thought I'd return some of your things from the beach house, since you so sweetly brought me my bread maker.
And I also baked you a loaf of bread.
And made better.
Non-dairy butter.
In the shape of a chicken.
It's a rooster.
There's its comb.
And I'm also here to remind you that you need to get a flu shot.
And also to tell you that this will be the last time I remind you, because we need to set boundaries with each other going forward.
Mmm.
So good.
Taste.
Mmm.
Mmm! I added extra salt.
- And it's perfect.
- Mmm.
Here, get the better.
Oh, God! Don't stick a knife in it.
It's like a living creature.
Maybe just a little bit of the tail? OK.
What was I saying? - Boundaries.
- Right! We need those, and no more surprise visits.
I realise that I did this one, but we need to stop.
OK, but why did you drive all the way here to bring me bread and better and a plate that technically belongs to both of us? It's a sombrero platter.
And it's all a cover to find out why I'm not invited to your wedding.
Damn, you're good.
What are you talking about? Of course you're invited to my wedding.
- I am? - Yeah.
Well, Grace got an invitation, but I didn't.
Well, it's on its way.
Well, good.
- That's good.
- Yeah.
Oh.
Oh, damn it.
I forgot.
- Who's Jacob? - Oh, he's this guy I've been dating.
Well, not dating.
Sort of seeing.
Not seeing really, either.
It's more casual.
No.
Boundaries.
That means he's typing.
I know.
I'm your ex, not Sol? You are my ex, Sol.
Oh, sweet relief.
Oh, I should have written "great" with an eight.
Oh, next time.
- I can order now.
It's just me.
- Certainly, sir.
Whoo.
I love driving fast.
Was I going too fast? No.
I love it when you drive fast.
I don't know about that poor squirrel back there, but Beep, beep! - Beep, beep! - There you go.
- Sorry I'm late.
- What is he doing here? Oh, I said we'd all get together, so I figured, why not today? Why? Is it a bad idea? No.
Threesomes are great for golf.
I'll lead us off.
Somebody ran over a squirrel back there.
Man! You look great, Guy.
I feel like I'm back in college, watching you warm-up before the big game.
Are you flirting with him? I'm reminiscing.
He's my oldest friend.
You sound like you're about to run out there and braid his hair.
He does have great hair.
I'm not going to talk to you about men.
Nobody's that evolved.
Are you talking about me? Of course we're talking about you, you silly man! Why are you here? Did it ever occur to you for one second that I'm not OK with you being here today? Well, in the first place, no.
In the second place, he said that you told him we were fine.
And that you liked parades.
So, I'm completely confused, Grace.
Are we fine, are we not fine? If you said so, then I assume that we are.
Holy shit! Oh, yeah! That's good! - What a great golfer you are! - Oh, thank you, sweetheart.
- Wasn't that nice? - Yes! - Great drive, my friend.
- Aw, thank you.
- Still going.
- I couldn't even follow it.
Aw, this is love, isn't it? To fly towards a secret sky.
To cause a hundred veils to fall each moment.
First, to let go of life, and finally, to take a step without feet.
What? Rumi.
It's It's beautiful.
Well, I was thinking about using it.
Well, you just did.
No, I mean at the wedding.
I've been asked to officiate at Robert and Sol's wedding.
I mean, my gosh, how perfect is that? Uh-huh.
I was telling Guy that we did not have an officiant yet, and he told me he's performed weddings all over the world, and you know, Sol wanted a pan-cultural ceremony, so I offered.
- And you accepted.
- Well, of course.
What else could I do? Sol said it was "bashert".
That means "meant to be".
I'm learning some Yiddish.
You're butchering it.
Hey, I have an idea.
Why don't we walk the entire course, hmm? Are you kidding? Yes, I am kidding! Among us, we have three good knees, so I say, to the carts! I'll drive.
We need to get a stamp, Barry.
Then what if I ran off and had tons of fun with your identity? Well, good luck having tons of fun with my identity.
Hey, I was an only child.
I used to have fun with a role of tape.
I called him "Tapey".
Barry, you're funny for an accountant.
Yeah.
The bar's pretty low.
How long have you worked here? Uh Nine Hundred years.
So, you were here when Sharon had that breakdown.
Yeah, she had it on my desk.
But it's all good, because she's doing great now, and I got a new desk.
You're a glass half-full person, aren't you, Barry? I try.
I really do.
Did you really tell everybody they had to go home and use lube? - That is so - Inappropriate.
Awesome? Well, I have leftovers if you want to try some.
No, no.
I don't have anyone to use it with.
- You don't have a girlfriend? - Nope.
Well, you need to get one, Barry.
I think I'm trying to get one right now.
Oh - What are you looking for? - Frankie's invitation.
- I mailed it.
- She didn't get it.
Well, maybe you should take that up with the US Postal Service.
If you make this about the United States Postal Service I'm not.
But they have been known to make mistakes.
Perhaps because they're drastically underfunded.
Which is why privatization more than makes sense.
I'm not having this argument with you again.
Then why did you start it? I just think it's odd that the only person who didn't get an invitation to our wedding is Frankie.
I mailed her invitation.
If you want, we can send her another one, - but I don't like what you're implying.
- I'm not implying.
I'm postulating that you passive-aggressively and accidentally on purpose forgot to send Frankie an invitation.
Sol, may I ask you, please, why was Cousin Donald invited to our wedding? And why is there wild salmon, not farm-raised salmon, but wild salmon, on the menu, but no red meat? And why did we need to find a DJ who would play not only oldies, but goodies, but oldies with a positive, Earth-centric message? - For me.
- No, for Frankie.
We have been arguing and fighting about her for months, and now you think I would purposely not invite her to our wedding and that somehow you would magically not notice! All I know is you wouldn't be this mad if you didn't feel guilty about something! I feel as if I'm flying towards a secret sky without feet.
What? - I mean, it tingles.
- And the fragrance? Ugh! And the texture Well, wait, did you use it with Greg? Yes.
We're getting back together.
- Oh, Jesus.
- Oh, my God! I know, I know.
But there must be coconut in it, because my vagina swelled up, which Greg actually really liked, but then we did other stuff, and my throat closed up.
OK, now your mouth's gonna close up.
And you, young lady? I actually used it on myself, and I agree.
It's amazing.
Oh, you are so full of shit.
You did not use it on yourself.
Why? Who'd you use it with? Uh, my friend Eric, and then my ex, John, and then Eric again.
It's a long story.
Your turn.
It's not who you used it with, it's what you thought of it.
So You know Barry went to Stanford? You know, I don't care about stupid Barry.
Who was inside of you last night? This is harder than you said it would be.
Fold the corners.
No.
Fold, fold the corners.
They're round.
They do not fold.
Anyone who can do this is a powerful witch.
- Well, I can do it.
- I rest my case.
You know, if this sheet could talk, you know what it would say? "I fold myself into very special shapes for you, Guy.
"lt doesn't feel very good, but I don't let it stop me.
- "I'm used to it.
" - Give it to me.
God.
I don't fold myself into anything.
Except maybe a golfer, a hoagie-lover Since when did you become such an expert on men? Well, I've been juggling a couple of them right now quite deftly.
I set boundaries with Sol.
I screwed up a lunch with Jacob, but we rescheduled.
When you're in a new relationship with someone you care about, and you want them to be happy, you lie to keep them happy.
What are you so afraid of? I'm afraid that if I don't do the things that Guy loves to do, that he'll find someone else who will.
And in my mind her name is Dahlia, and she has a long neck, and dark hair and very green eyes.
Really? Dahlia, that's your reason? Yeah You know what my Aunt Jennifer always said? "Tha sou gamiso to hotio.
" Well, that sounds nice, what does it mean? It means, "I fuck your village.
" I don't know why, but it always hit the spot.
Hello.
I'm home.
Ah, there he is.
Go talk to him right now.
I can't right now.
I'm folding.
No.
Folding, my foot.
- Done.
Go do it.
Go on! - Anybody home? Or you'll be a hoagie-lover all your life.
Hey, gorgeous! Hey, Frankie! You want fish? This is not about me! Well, I got clams.
Hey, do you like clams? Oh, they're my favourite! Nah! What is that? That's Frankie reminding me to remind myself that I don't like clams.
Ding-ding-ding-ding! Is she gonna keep doing that? Yeah, probably.
Guy, there's something I have to tell you.
Robert and I are not OK together.
I am not OK with you officiating his wedding.
I hate hoagies.
I hate all sandwiches made of mystery meat.
And I hate golf.
I hate everything about it.
I hate the grass.
I hate the carts.
I hate the seats on the carts.
My ass gets sweaty.
And I really hate swimming.
Well, I didn't ask you to go swimming.
Well, I know.
I'm just telling you.
OK Then why didn't you say something before? I don't know.
I didn't know how.
Especially to somebody I really like.
OK.
So You really like me? I think I do.
Yeah.
Oh Anything else? Count me in for fish! We said no more surprise visits.
This is the last one, I swear to God.
Which God? Whichever one you're on good terms with at the moment.
I've had a couple of good talks with the Hawaiian God Kanaloa.
I have something for you.
I apologise that you didn't get yours when everybody else got theirs.
It's OK.
Not like I prepared an interpretive dance or anything.
I'm sorry.
If it makes you feel any better, Robert and I had a huge fight about it.
No, it doesn't make me feel any better.
It would have been better if I'd gotten mine when Grace got hers.
Um Frankie? - Oh, boy.
- Oh, boy is right.
Robert's gonna kill me.
And I should probably let him.
I'm so embarrassed.
Don't be.
Anybody could have made that mistake.
What am I gonna do about your wedding? - It can't be easy for you.
- It's not.
I got so caught up in not being invited, I never thought about whether I actually wanted to go.
Do you? I I think I should.
That's not what I asked.
I think you want me to.
Also not what I asked.
Have you checked in with your subconscious? Oh, sure, Joanne? She'll have a field day with this one.
I should call her.
Hi, Joanne? What is she saying? Oh, Sol, I don't want to go to your wedding.
It'll be too painful.
Oh.
Wow.
All right.
I guess that makes sense.
Maybe I should get in touch with my subconscious, too.
What is Armando saying? That I'm feeling pretty divided lately.
When I'm with Robert, I Worry about you.
When I'm with you, I worry about Robert.
I can't be in two places at once.
You're right about setting boundaries.
And We need to do divorce things, like sign papers and Move out of our house.
It's time.
Joanne agrees.
Oh, shit! Oh, I'm late.
It's my fault.
I ran.
Bad shape.
They felt so bad that I got stood up again, they gave me free cheesecake.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I just had a pretty intense realisation with Sol, which led to an avalanche of "ah-ha" moments.
Ah, slow down.
I'll get some cheesecake, too.
That's OK.
I was just finishing.
Oh, no.
Please, I feel terrible.
Look, I get it.
I do.
But I kind of got this thing about being stood up twice in one week.
Why don't you call me when you guys figure things out? Oh, but we have figured things out.
I think, I don't know.
It's my subconscious.
She's a mess.
I need to figure things out with her.
Let me know when you do.
- Robert? - Come in.
Guy is not your minister.
He is my boyfriend, and my date at your wedding.
Your big, fat, gay wedding.
Oh, OK.
Have you stormed into other homes in the neighbourhood to say that to people? This is not a joke, Robert.
So are we clear about Guy's role at your wedding? We are.
Who gives a shit any more? - What? - You can have your book back.
I thought this was supposed to be a happy thing.
It's a nightmare.
Everybody's mad.
The invitations aren't right.
The food's not right.
The bills are piling up.
Now, of course, we have to find a new officiant.
This wedding's nothing but a pain in the ass.
Robert, that's what weddings are.
If you'd taken any interest in ours, or our daughter's, you would know that.
Maybe we should just elope.
Sol would be relieved.
He didn't want a big wedding in the first place.
Well, what do you want? I want a big wedding in the first place.
After hiding all those years, I want to get married in front of everyone.
Including you.
Then you should do that.
I like this thing of us saying exactly what we mean.
I wonder if things would have been different if we'd done it a long time ago.
Probably not where we ended, but getting there might have been better.
Keep the book.
And remember, there'll always be four more guests than have RSVP'd.
That's good to know.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I'm the worst fiancé that ever lived.
- What did she do to it? - Collage.
Can you ever forgive me? I think so.
I read in Young Bride magazine that planning a wedding can be harder than the first year of marriage.
You read Young Bride? When you leave it in the bathroom.
"This is love.
To fly toward a secret sky.
"To cause a hundred veils to fall each moment.
"First, to let go of life.
"Finally, to take a step without feet.
" It's official.
I hate poetry.
I'd rather read my divorce papers.
You'll get the opportunity when we sign them.
It took me 45 fucking minutes, but I did it.
- Congratulations! - Thank you.
Never doing it again.
Ripped By mstoll