Grand Crew (2021) s01e09 Episode Script
Wine & Vineyards
1
You know,
I've been thinking
about doing a dry month,
- zero alcohol.
- Oh, cool.
My friend did a dry month,
and he won the lottery.
I mean, there's no correlation, but
maybe there is.
I think I'll do this
dry month with you,
you know, to get my tolerance down so
I can get drunk quicker again.
- Oh, that's smart. I'm sold.
- Count me in, too.
You know what?
I'm gonna start right now.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- This is happening.
- Good-bye.
Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys!
One of our vendors
just gave us VIP passes
to go their vineyard in Santa Barbara,
which means we can drink
all day nonstop this weekend.
You in?
[SIGHS]
- Another wet month, it is.
- Yeah.
I love alcohol!
Whoop, whoop ♪
Grand crew ♪
Grand crew, grand crew ♪
- Wine and tapas ♪
- Wine and tapas ♪
- Ooh, yeah ♪
- Wine and tapas ♪
- You know I got it ♪
- Wine and tapas ♪
Whew, I am loving these views.
We in a screen saver, y'all.
The simulation is real.
Mama mia, I feel like
I'm in the hillsides of Italy.
Ray Liotta.
This place screams romance.
Baby, you trying to get married again
under that beautiful tree over there?
Absolutely, and we can consummate again
right by that nasty tree over there.
What makes a tree nasty?
Me and my wife going ham on it.
- Why'd I even ask?
- Hi, everyone.
I'm Jessica,
the master winemaker here
at Sunset Rose Vineyards.
The owner said to make sure
you were well taken care of,
so we're gonna start you off
with a tasting of six
of our finest wines.
- How does that sound?
- Six wines for free?
That sounds great to me.
They are free, right?
Yes.
Well, then that sounds great,
just like I said.
Starting off with refreshing
sparkling Cuvée Papou.
It's bright on the palate and perfect
for a day like today enjoy.
- Thank you.
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Mmm, this poo-poo tastes good.
Oh, it feels like fireworks
in my mouth.
Plow, plow, plow, plow!
This tasting is just the start
of what they have here on site.
You guys got my email with
the itinerary I planned, right?
- Uh
- Went to my spam folder.
I'll be honest. I'm just
trying to chill, so I ignored it.
Hey, no worries. I don't need
anybody else to join.
This is my first vacation in six years,
and ever since I renegotiated
my contract at work,
I've got a whole new outlook on life.
I'm finally out of my head.
That's great, so why
didn't you invite Talia?
I said I'm out of my head,
not out of my damn mind.
We've only been on two dates.
Bringing her would have caused a split
in the date-time continuum.
- What's that, now?
- It's a complex model
that takes
the three dimensions of space
and combines them with
the fourth dimension of time
in a relationship.
Simply put, one single trip
away to a vineyard is equal
to about 22.675 total dates,
and that's just moving things
way too fast.
Anthony, maybe you're doing
all this mental math
because you just don't like Talia.
- It's good you didn't bring her.
- No, hold up. I like her.
It's just always best
to proceed with caution.
Anthony's right to be
thinking this through.
- ALL: What?
- What, Noah?
What's with that reaction?
You never think in relationships.
You said the scarecrow was
the least-relatable character
in "Wizard of Oz"
because he wanted a brain.
Well, he's my favorite character now.
I'm trying to be more mindful
ever since I've been in therapy.
I'm all about slowing things down,
you know, and just using my head.
I never thought I'd see
the day, but this is awesome.
Me and my boy Noah are both head cases.
- Hey.
- What?
That's somebody who uses
their head while dating.
That's not what head case means.
But it should be.
Heads are smart, and cases are strong.
That's why us true thinkers
are taking the word back.
- Yes, sir.
- And you know what?
I would like to join
my fellow head case
on one of his excursions today.
- You got room for two?
- Do I have room for two?
I have room for seven.
- I'm good.
- That's a nah for me, dog.
They don't get us.
BOTH: Mmm, yum, yum, yum, yum,
yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum,
yum, yum, yum, yum,
yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.
[LAUGHS] Okay, so this one is good,
but I think my favorite is the
- BOTH: Zinfandel.
- Yes, oh, my God.
And your favorite is probably the
- BOTH: Pinot.
- Yes!
[LAUGHTER]
Damn, you guys are suddenly,
like, the strongest bond
in the whole group.
Ha! If we're talking strong bonds,
Kristen and I are married.
Here they go,
getting competitive again.
I'm sorry, y'all. I did not
mean to light this match.
Not everything has to be
a competition with us.
Right, it's not a competition
because we are clearly the
strongest relationship here.
- Exactly.
- So how would you all like
to head to our private testing room
to sample some of our reserve wines?
I like the sound of that.
I just got one tiny follow-up question.
It's also free.
And that's why you my girl, Jessica.
That sounds fun, but we have
our first activity to get to
Tour of the vineyard.
Hey, Noah, you still down to tag along?
You know it, dude.
Us head cases got to stick together.
[DOG BARKING]
Hey. Oh, where did you come from?
[ENCHANTING MUSIC]
♪
I'm so sorry.
Hi, there.
Hi.
Sorry about him. He can be a rascal.
- Come on, Must-Love.
- Wait,
your dog is named Must-Love,
like "Must Love Dogs"?
Yeah, it's a silly name, I know,
- but I love that movie.
- Yeah,
so do I.
Well, I guess he found his heart again.
Yep. It was bound to happen.
Anyway, I got to get going.
Anthony, shall we?
- For real?
- Of course.
Cool dog. See you.
Bye.
So this one is our 2015 estate Syrah,
one of our trademark wines
from one of our best vintages.
- Oh, okay.
- See, this, this one is, um
free.
Ooh, what are those wines over there?
Oh, that is our Cab Franc.
We make a very limited
amount every year,
and it's our highest-quality grape.
- It's essentially our grand cru.
- Can we drink it for free?
Thank you, Nicky, for asking
the questions I'm dying to ask.
Unfortunately, no.
It's one of our most expensive
and exclusive bottles.
Now, is this the
all-you-can-drink price?
Well, it's a celebratory wine,
which would make the perfect
gift for a couple like you two.
Oh, we're not a couple.
- No, we're stronger than a couple.
- We're best friends.
Best friends is not as strong
as a married couple.
- So you two just got married.
- Well, congrats.
We have been married for eight years.
Yes, that's enough.
We clearly have
the strongest bond here.
Mm-hmm.
- And we're going to prove it.
- Prove it how?
The way anyone proves anything
- A competition amongst friends.
- Ooh, this could be fun.
Oh, no, that doesn't sound like fun.
There's nothing in it for us.
Yeah, why would we want
to play this game?
Losers buy the winners
the fancy Grand Cru bottle.
Oh, I'm intrigued now.
I want that bottle.
- Fay?
- Say less.
I'm in, too, but only as the host
because I have no investment
in who wins whatsoever.
[CHUCKLES] Well, great.
I'm going to get you guys
some supplies.
Supplies?
Yeah, we're driving distance from LA,
so we host a lot of different events,
and I'm just glad this one sounds
like it's not a sex party.
- It's not a sex party, is it?
- No, it's not.
But I would like to be added
to your upcoming events mailing list.
Please and thank you.
I got to say, man,
I'm surprised you didn't ditch
me back there for dog girl.
Never that. I'm not trying
to force anything.
All head, no heart.
- BOTH: Can't lose.
- [CHUCKLES]
I had my doubts,
but you really
about this head case life.
Hey, now, that is correct.
And, look, I know the probability of me
and dog girl having an actual
connection is nothing.
We're calling her "dog girl"
for a reason
Because me running into her
was a freak occurrence, nothing more.
Hello, and welcome to the tour.
I'm your tour guide,
and my name is Simone.
Oh, it's you.
Hi.
Hi.
Okay, two freak occurrences,
nothing more.
I'm good.
So now we're walking through our vines.
Now, the grapes are the most
important part of the wine.
Although the wine may change over time,
the grapes on this vine will always
be what defines the wine itself.
Well, I actually have a question.
How do you know when a grape's
ready to be picked?
Well, they get pretty thick, Noah.
And how do you know
when a grape's thick?
Well, you have to squeeze it,
of course.
Let me show you.
Now, you have to be gentle
but not too gentle.
How does that feel?
Pretty thick.
This grape feels like it's gonna pop.
I'd like to know when a grape is thick.
All right, so that concludes the tour.
Thank you all so much for coming.
Hey, you,
I hope you enjoyed yourself.
Oh, absolutely. You were great.
I learned a lot about wine,
and I got hints of intelligence
and charisma from you.
Oh, really? Because I got hints
of tall and handsome from you.
Oh, so am I just
some eye candy, nothing more?
- Yeah, that's it.
- [LAUGHTER]
I, um, actually just got off the clock.
Would you be interested
in getting a drink with me
before I leave today?
Oh, um, I would love to, but,
you know, me and my boy
got a full itinerary.
What's up next, Anthony?
Grape stomping,
but you don't have to come.
You know, I could do enough
stomping for the two of us.
I can't let my boy stomp alone.
- Simone, you get it, right?
- Oh, yeah, definitely.
Friends that stomp together
last forever.
- Hey.
- But, uh, let me give you my number
in case you ever want
to meet up again sometime.
Cool.
Oh, snap, you live in Santa Barbara.
I-I'm in LA.
Right, right, of course.
Well, I guess
there can't be another time.
Yeah, well, it was great to meet you.
It was a fantastic tour.
Peace. [CHUCKLES]
All right, let's get started.
The name of the game
is The Perfect Pair,
where couples compete and drink wine.
I'm your host, Sherman Jones,
and that's how you sip it.
Huh?
It's my new catchphrase.
You'll grow to love it.
So here's how the game will work.
I will ask you personal
questions about your partner.
The couple that gets
the most answers correct
will win the very expensive
bottle of wine
and be crowned the perfect pair.
Now, who's ready to pop that
- Cork.
- Yes.
Now you're getting it.
Wyatt and Kristen jump off
to an early lead.
- BOTH: What?
- Those aren't the rules.
- I'm the host of the show.
- I make the rules.
And do you want to get on my bad side?
Or do you want to
- Pop the cork.
- And we're all tied up.
Let's get started.
Okay, this question is for Nicky.
What is your partner's favorite food?
- A BLT, hold the L and T.
- [GRUNTS]
Correct, but you could have
just said "bacon sandwich,"
and that's how you sip it.
Kristen, what is
your partner's greatest regret?
- That he didn't learn Spanish.
- It's true.
I never paid attention
in Ms. Wendell's class.
Oh, everybody should know
a little bit of Spanish,
and that's how you sip it,
or, should I say, así es cómo lo bebes?
Fay, what is your partner's
favorite animal?
- The moray eel.
- Yes.
It's the penis of the sea.
That is how you sip it.
Okay, Wyatt,
what is your partner's
worst childhood memory?
Her Aunt Lisa's tragic death.
She had so much left to give the world.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- I didn't mean to take it there.
I'm sorry for your loss.
It's okay. I processed it.
Okay, then,
Well, that's how you sip it.
[LAUGHTER]
Welcome, gentlemen.
Now, the key to grape stomping is
Stepping up and down on the
grapes so the juice comes out.
Yeah, that's pretty much it.
- Enjoy.
- Thank you.
Bro, you and Simone seem
to have some real chemistry.
You're aware of that, right?
Yeah, I mean, she was very cool,
but that was just a good conversation
with a nice tour guide.
With that logic, I'd be just
as likely to have chemistry
- with Helen over there.
- Not interested.
You're a little too tall for me.
But I do like the calf muscles
on your friend here.
Okay, Helen, can you give us a moment?
Look, Noah, I know you've grown
a lot over this past year, but
there's a chance
that maybe you overripened.
Overripened?
You calling me a raisin, bro?
Yes, I am. You're a damn raisin.
Okay, so what if I am, okay?
Raisins are a nice, sweet treat.
Are you hearing yourself right now?
Raisins are terrible.
They ruin everything,
and you're about to ruin this moment.
Look, I'm sorry to say this, but
- maybe you're not a head case.
- [GASPS]
- You don't mean that.
- I do.
Oh, no.
Remember what Simone said on the tour?
No matter how much the wine changes
during the aging process,
the grapes' core attributes
remain the same.
And you're a grape that loves love.
Okay, but what if my grape
keeps getting crushed?
- It always does.
- Crushing grapes
is the only way to make wine, brother.
Look, I know you've had
issues in the past
with chasing love 24-7,
but you've done the work.
And I can't believe
I'm gonna say this
You need to listen to your heart.
Oh, my God, you're right.
My heart has been screaming out
for Simone all day.
Oh, what was I thinking?
The problem was, you were thinking.
Why did I think I should be thinking?
Thinking is dumb. I'm gonna call her.
Yes.
Oh, no. Her number's gone.
It must have fallen out
of my pocket somewhere.
- You don't think it's
- In the grapes?
Yes, I definitely do.
Oh.
Okay, we're all tied up
and on to the final question.
First one goes to Kristen.
Who does your partner
secretly want to smash?
That's easy the Pine-Sol lady.
She was the spokesperson
for polishing wood.
- It's official.
- Young Wyatt was a freak.
And older Wyatt is even freakier.
You're even freakier.
Hey, stop that right now
before I dock you both points.
Nicky, same question goes to you.
Who does your partner
secretly want to smash?
Ooh, Anthony.
- What?
- BOTH: What?
- What?
- Final answer.
- Wait, wait, wait.
- Fay, you want to smash Anthony?
No, my answer is Frasier
from the show "Frasier."
It is Dr. Crane all day.
I have no idea where Nicky came
up with this Anthony thing.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- I mean, it's kind of obvious.
You got to admit ever since
you guys went on that hike,
you look at him like this
Oh, oh.
- Ooh, that's how you sip it.
- I don't like him.
- Double-sip it.
- Fay, you are sweating,
and we all know
that you sweat when you lie.
Triple-sip it.
- You're all sweating.
- It's hot in here.
- Quadruple-sip it.
- BOTH: Shut up, Sherm!
I'm sorry, but this game
finally got good.
Guys, I can break the tension.
None of this matters,
because Nicky was wrong,
which means that Kristen
and I won the game.
Not so fast. Just because
Fay doesn't want to admit it
doesn't mean that I was wrong.
In fact, Sherm should give us
the win, because this is proof
that I know Fay better
than she knows herself.
That's ridiculous. That is
clearly not in the rules.
Hold up. I make the rules,
and the number-one rule
has always been follow the drama.
If Fay admits
to liking Anthony, they win.
- BOTH: What?
- Huh?
Drama!
[GRUNTS] The number has to be
in here somewhere, man.
- No hands in the grapes.
- You're making the juice dirty.
But we can stomp on them
with our bare feet?
Feet are for grapes, and hands
Well,
you look like a man
who knows what hands are for.
Okay, so we have to find this
piece of paper using just our feet.
- We got this, my dude.
- Okay.
Oh, baby ♪
[SULTRY R&B MUSIC]
What's your phone number? ♪
♪
I'm crazy ♪
♪
Call me Willy Wonka ♪
♪
Oh, I got it. I got it.
- Yes.
- Yes.
And
I can't read it. The grapes ruined it.
Unless hold on.
No, you're right. It's ruined.
Okay, folks, a quick recap
for those just joining us
If Fay admits to liking Anthony,
then her and Nicky win the game,
along with this fancy bottle
of wine that is so expensive,
I'm too afraid to even pick it up.
This game is corrupt.
Fay can just lie
and say that she likes him.
Okay, I now see the flaw
in this Wyatt is right.
- There is no way to prove it.
- Thank you.
Unless we search through
all of Fay's stuff.
- BOTH: What?
- Maybe we find a love letter
or some other sexually
charged paraphernalia.
I don't know. I'm figuring
this out on the fly.
- No, no, no, no.
- There's no need to search.
I know how to prove it.
If Fay doesn't like Anthony,
she will not mind
if I text him something raunchy
from her phone right now.
- Ooh, that's spicy.
- That is not spicy.
That is stupid, and you're not
texting him from my phone.
Why not?
If I texted Sherm, "Hey, let's
hook up," I wouldn't care
because everyone
would know it's a joke.
- That ain't funny.
- It's pretty hilarious.
I think it's funny,
and I barely spend time with you guys.
Okay, that's enough banter
from the contestants.
Fay, we need an answer right
now the timer is running out.
- Timer?
- Yes, I started one for the tension.
It's a simple
yes-or-no question for the win.
Fay, remember,
nobody likes a dirty liar.
So do you like Anthony?
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
No, I don't.
Well, then that means
that Wyatt and Kristen are
The perfect pair ♪
And that's how you sip it.
I knew it would catch on.
Hey, Jessica, we done
with your nasty sex room.
Yes, okay, thank you.
Well, apparently the vineyard
won't give me her number
because apparently desperate
men call for it all the time.
- Damn. I'm sorry, man.
- It's actually okay.
I mean, yes,
it would have been very cool
to connect with a beautiful woman
who talks about grapes
like they're sex.
- That was kind of crazy.
- I know, and I loved it.
But I think all the work
I've been putting in has paid off.
You know, I'm not furiously Googling,
"Beautiful, Black
wine tour guides near me."
That's the growth.
Now, is it wrong
if I was Googling that for you?
Nah, that just means
you're a good friend.
- So what's next on itinerary?
- Nothing.
- I think we're done for the day.
- What? Why?
Did the vineyard cancel
cornhole tournament?
- Man, I was about to ball out.
- What?
No. Your plans changed.
Noah!
Simone?
Simone.
[ENCHANTING MUSIC]
♪
Now, I'm not a rom-com guy like you,
but shouldn't you be meeting
her halfway with this running stuff?
Oh, snap, you're right, but
she's so close it's too late.
Noah, there you are.
Simone, what are you doing here?
Well, I couldn't leave
without seeing you again.
I know this might sound crazy, but
I feel like we had a connection.
That doesn't sound crazy at all.
- I feel the same way.
- [CHUCKLES]
So how about that drink?
How about my lips drink your lips?
Oh, I am so sorry. I'm nervous.
Oh, no, no. No, it's fine. I am, too.
Let's drink. [BOTH CHUCKLE]
Oh, seems like love
is really in the air
between vineyard employees and guests.
Helen, you're a beautiful woman,
and you deserve the best,
but this can't happen.
- Congrats to the perfect pair.
- [KRISTEN CHUCKLING]
Hey.
Hey, I'm sorry I lost us
that fancy bottle.
Oh, you have nothing to apologize for.
I'm the one who put you
on the spot, and I was wrong.
- Except you weren't.
- I wasn't.
[DEEP VOICE] I like him,
and I want to smash him.
[MOCKING DEEP VOICE]
Oh, no. What was that voice?
[NORMAL VOICE] I don't know. I haven't
had a crush in a really long time.
- I love this. This is so cute.
- You got to tell him.
- What? No way.
- What if I'm not even sure?
Anyway, if I am sure,
we're such close friends,
our first date would be, like, date 50
according to the date-time continuum.
Oh, you're using his nerd-ass logic.
You like him more than I thought.
I do,
but it doesn't matter
because he's dating that Talia girl.
Listen, he said it himself.
He's trying to keep things casual.
That's why he didn't
bring her on this trip.
You're gonna regret it if you
don't tell him, won't you?
[ELECTRONIC COVER OF PIXIES'
"WHERE IS MY MIND?" ]
And then Helen was all like,
"You can't put your hands
in the grapes,"
but it turns out
I didn't need my hands.
All I really needed was my heart.
Oh, that's so sweet.
That is sweet.
And she seemed to sincerely
enjoy the corny-ass way
you told that story, as well.
- I did.
- Incredible.
Well, actually,
we had a pretty wild day, too,
right, Fay?
Oh, really? Do tell.
Yeah, it was eventful.
Actually, do you mind
coming to the bar with me?
I wanted to talk to you
about something.
- Talia.
- Oh, no, it's not about her.
No, Talia, she's here.
- So sorry. Traffic was a mess.
- Am I late for dinner?
No, actually, it's perfect timing.
Yeah, perfect.
Definitely. So what brings you here?
- I invited her.
- Oh.
Yeah, I was inspired by my boy Noah.
That is so cool.
- That is so cool.
- [CHUCKLES]
Wait, uh, Fay,
what did you want to tell me?
Right, um
Wyatt wants to make love
to the Pine-Sol lady.
For real?
Oh, wait, no, I get it,
the wood polishing, et cetera.
And that lemon scent?
I mean, sometimes you got
to get the house clean
- before you can get it dirty again.
- [LAUGHTER]
I am so glad everyone gets it.
So I hope you're all enjoying
your dinner.
It was great hosting you all today,
and I was told
that this very special bottle
of our vintage Cab Franc
belongs to you two.
Thanks, but, actually,
this bottle belongs to Nicky and Fay.
- On us.
- Huh?
Y'all won the competition
fair and square.
- Thank you.
- What do you say?
- Should we pop that
- ALL: Cork?
- That was beautiful.
- That was beautiful.
But I think we should wait to open it.
What? No. I want to get fancy drunk.
I hear that,
but I was thinking every great
vintage gets better with time.
Imagine how much better
it'll be if we wait.
Maybe it'll be a year from now,
maybe longer,
but when we finally open it,
it's gonna be great
really, really great.
- Cheers to that.
- Clink-clink.
ALL: Clink-clink!
[INDISTINCT CHATTER, LAUGHTER]
[JAZZY MUSIC]
♪
You know,
I've been thinking
about doing a dry month,
- zero alcohol.
- Oh, cool.
My friend did a dry month,
and he won the lottery.
I mean, there's no correlation, but
maybe there is.
I think I'll do this
dry month with you,
you know, to get my tolerance down so
I can get drunk quicker again.
- Oh, that's smart. I'm sold.
- Count me in, too.
You know what?
I'm gonna start right now.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- This is happening.
- Good-bye.
Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys!
One of our vendors
just gave us VIP passes
to go their vineyard in Santa Barbara,
which means we can drink
all day nonstop this weekend.
You in?
[SIGHS]
- Another wet month, it is.
- Yeah.
I love alcohol!
Whoop, whoop ♪
Grand crew ♪
Grand crew, grand crew ♪
- Wine and tapas ♪
- Wine and tapas ♪
- Ooh, yeah ♪
- Wine and tapas ♪
- You know I got it ♪
- Wine and tapas ♪
Whew, I am loving these views.
We in a screen saver, y'all.
The simulation is real.
Mama mia, I feel like
I'm in the hillsides of Italy.
Ray Liotta.
This place screams romance.
Baby, you trying to get married again
under that beautiful tree over there?
Absolutely, and we can consummate again
right by that nasty tree over there.
What makes a tree nasty?
Me and my wife going ham on it.
- Why'd I even ask?
- Hi, everyone.
I'm Jessica,
the master winemaker here
at Sunset Rose Vineyards.
The owner said to make sure
you were well taken care of,
so we're gonna start you off
with a tasting of six
of our finest wines.
- How does that sound?
- Six wines for free?
That sounds great to me.
They are free, right?
Yes.
Well, then that sounds great,
just like I said.
Starting off with refreshing
sparkling Cuvée Papou.
It's bright on the palate and perfect
for a day like today enjoy.
- Thank you.
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Mmm, this poo-poo tastes good.
Oh, it feels like fireworks
in my mouth.
Plow, plow, plow, plow!
This tasting is just the start
of what they have here on site.
You guys got my email with
the itinerary I planned, right?
- Uh
- Went to my spam folder.
I'll be honest. I'm just
trying to chill, so I ignored it.
Hey, no worries. I don't need
anybody else to join.
This is my first vacation in six years,
and ever since I renegotiated
my contract at work,
I've got a whole new outlook on life.
I'm finally out of my head.
That's great, so why
didn't you invite Talia?
I said I'm out of my head,
not out of my damn mind.
We've only been on two dates.
Bringing her would have caused a split
in the date-time continuum.
- What's that, now?
- It's a complex model
that takes
the three dimensions of space
and combines them with
the fourth dimension of time
in a relationship.
Simply put, one single trip
away to a vineyard is equal
to about 22.675 total dates,
and that's just moving things
way too fast.
Anthony, maybe you're doing
all this mental math
because you just don't like Talia.
- It's good you didn't bring her.
- No, hold up. I like her.
It's just always best
to proceed with caution.
Anthony's right to be
thinking this through.
- ALL: What?
- What, Noah?
What's with that reaction?
You never think in relationships.
You said the scarecrow was
the least-relatable character
in "Wizard of Oz"
because he wanted a brain.
Well, he's my favorite character now.
I'm trying to be more mindful
ever since I've been in therapy.
I'm all about slowing things down,
you know, and just using my head.
I never thought I'd see
the day, but this is awesome.
Me and my boy Noah are both head cases.
- Hey.
- What?
That's somebody who uses
their head while dating.
That's not what head case means.
But it should be.
Heads are smart, and cases are strong.
That's why us true thinkers
are taking the word back.
- Yes, sir.
- And you know what?
I would like to join
my fellow head case
on one of his excursions today.
- You got room for two?
- Do I have room for two?
I have room for seven.
- I'm good.
- That's a nah for me, dog.
They don't get us.
BOTH: Mmm, yum, yum, yum, yum,
yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum,
yum, yum, yum, yum,
yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.
[LAUGHS] Okay, so this one is good,
but I think my favorite is the
- BOTH: Zinfandel.
- Yes, oh, my God.
And your favorite is probably the
- BOTH: Pinot.
- Yes!
[LAUGHTER]
Damn, you guys are suddenly,
like, the strongest bond
in the whole group.
Ha! If we're talking strong bonds,
Kristen and I are married.
Here they go,
getting competitive again.
I'm sorry, y'all. I did not
mean to light this match.
Not everything has to be
a competition with us.
Right, it's not a competition
because we are clearly the
strongest relationship here.
- Exactly.
- So how would you all like
to head to our private testing room
to sample some of our reserve wines?
I like the sound of that.
I just got one tiny follow-up question.
It's also free.
And that's why you my girl, Jessica.
That sounds fun, but we have
our first activity to get to
Tour of the vineyard.
Hey, Noah, you still down to tag along?
You know it, dude.
Us head cases got to stick together.
[DOG BARKING]
Hey. Oh, where did you come from?
[ENCHANTING MUSIC]
♪
I'm so sorry.
Hi, there.
Hi.
Sorry about him. He can be a rascal.
- Come on, Must-Love.
- Wait,
your dog is named Must-Love,
like "Must Love Dogs"?
Yeah, it's a silly name, I know,
- but I love that movie.
- Yeah,
so do I.
Well, I guess he found his heart again.
Yep. It was bound to happen.
Anyway, I got to get going.
Anthony, shall we?
- For real?
- Of course.
Cool dog. See you.
Bye.
So this one is our 2015 estate Syrah,
one of our trademark wines
from one of our best vintages.
- Oh, okay.
- See, this, this one is, um
free.
Ooh, what are those wines over there?
Oh, that is our Cab Franc.
We make a very limited
amount every year,
and it's our highest-quality grape.
- It's essentially our grand cru.
- Can we drink it for free?
Thank you, Nicky, for asking
the questions I'm dying to ask.
Unfortunately, no.
It's one of our most expensive
and exclusive bottles.
Now, is this the
all-you-can-drink price?
Well, it's a celebratory wine,
which would make the perfect
gift for a couple like you two.
Oh, we're not a couple.
- No, we're stronger than a couple.
- We're best friends.
Best friends is not as strong
as a married couple.
- So you two just got married.
- Well, congrats.
We have been married for eight years.
Yes, that's enough.
We clearly have
the strongest bond here.
Mm-hmm.
- And we're going to prove it.
- Prove it how?
The way anyone proves anything
- A competition amongst friends.
- Ooh, this could be fun.
Oh, no, that doesn't sound like fun.
There's nothing in it for us.
Yeah, why would we want
to play this game?
Losers buy the winners
the fancy Grand Cru bottle.
Oh, I'm intrigued now.
I want that bottle.
- Fay?
- Say less.
I'm in, too, but only as the host
because I have no investment
in who wins whatsoever.
[CHUCKLES] Well, great.
I'm going to get you guys
some supplies.
Supplies?
Yeah, we're driving distance from LA,
so we host a lot of different events,
and I'm just glad this one sounds
like it's not a sex party.
- It's not a sex party, is it?
- No, it's not.
But I would like to be added
to your upcoming events mailing list.
Please and thank you.
I got to say, man,
I'm surprised you didn't ditch
me back there for dog girl.
Never that. I'm not trying
to force anything.
All head, no heart.
- BOTH: Can't lose.
- [CHUCKLES]
I had my doubts,
but you really
about this head case life.
Hey, now, that is correct.
And, look, I know the probability of me
and dog girl having an actual
connection is nothing.
We're calling her "dog girl"
for a reason
Because me running into her
was a freak occurrence, nothing more.
Hello, and welcome to the tour.
I'm your tour guide,
and my name is Simone.
Oh, it's you.
Hi.
Hi.
Okay, two freak occurrences,
nothing more.
I'm good.
So now we're walking through our vines.
Now, the grapes are the most
important part of the wine.
Although the wine may change over time,
the grapes on this vine will always
be what defines the wine itself.
Well, I actually have a question.
How do you know when a grape's
ready to be picked?
Well, they get pretty thick, Noah.
And how do you know
when a grape's thick?
Well, you have to squeeze it,
of course.
Let me show you.
Now, you have to be gentle
but not too gentle.
How does that feel?
Pretty thick.
This grape feels like it's gonna pop.
I'd like to know when a grape is thick.
All right, so that concludes the tour.
Thank you all so much for coming.
Hey, you,
I hope you enjoyed yourself.
Oh, absolutely. You were great.
I learned a lot about wine,
and I got hints of intelligence
and charisma from you.
Oh, really? Because I got hints
of tall and handsome from you.
Oh, so am I just
some eye candy, nothing more?
- Yeah, that's it.
- [LAUGHTER]
I, um, actually just got off the clock.
Would you be interested
in getting a drink with me
before I leave today?
Oh, um, I would love to, but,
you know, me and my boy
got a full itinerary.
What's up next, Anthony?
Grape stomping,
but you don't have to come.
You know, I could do enough
stomping for the two of us.
I can't let my boy stomp alone.
- Simone, you get it, right?
- Oh, yeah, definitely.
Friends that stomp together
last forever.
- Hey.
- But, uh, let me give you my number
in case you ever want
to meet up again sometime.
Cool.
Oh, snap, you live in Santa Barbara.
I-I'm in LA.
Right, right, of course.
Well, I guess
there can't be another time.
Yeah, well, it was great to meet you.
It was a fantastic tour.
Peace. [CHUCKLES]
All right, let's get started.
The name of the game
is The Perfect Pair,
where couples compete and drink wine.
I'm your host, Sherman Jones,
and that's how you sip it.
Huh?
It's my new catchphrase.
You'll grow to love it.
So here's how the game will work.
I will ask you personal
questions about your partner.
The couple that gets
the most answers correct
will win the very expensive
bottle of wine
and be crowned the perfect pair.
Now, who's ready to pop that
- Cork.
- Yes.
Now you're getting it.
Wyatt and Kristen jump off
to an early lead.
- BOTH: What?
- Those aren't the rules.
- I'm the host of the show.
- I make the rules.
And do you want to get on my bad side?
Or do you want to
- Pop the cork.
- And we're all tied up.
Let's get started.
Okay, this question is for Nicky.
What is your partner's favorite food?
- A BLT, hold the L and T.
- [GRUNTS]
Correct, but you could have
just said "bacon sandwich,"
and that's how you sip it.
Kristen, what is
your partner's greatest regret?
- That he didn't learn Spanish.
- It's true.
I never paid attention
in Ms. Wendell's class.
Oh, everybody should know
a little bit of Spanish,
and that's how you sip it,
or, should I say, así es cómo lo bebes?
Fay, what is your partner's
favorite animal?
- The moray eel.
- Yes.
It's the penis of the sea.
That is how you sip it.
Okay, Wyatt,
what is your partner's
worst childhood memory?
Her Aunt Lisa's tragic death.
She had so much left to give the world.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- I didn't mean to take it there.
I'm sorry for your loss.
It's okay. I processed it.
Okay, then,
Well, that's how you sip it.
[LAUGHTER]
Welcome, gentlemen.
Now, the key to grape stomping is
Stepping up and down on the
grapes so the juice comes out.
Yeah, that's pretty much it.
- Enjoy.
- Thank you.
Bro, you and Simone seem
to have some real chemistry.
You're aware of that, right?
Yeah, I mean, she was very cool,
but that was just a good conversation
with a nice tour guide.
With that logic, I'd be just
as likely to have chemistry
- with Helen over there.
- Not interested.
You're a little too tall for me.
But I do like the calf muscles
on your friend here.
Okay, Helen, can you give us a moment?
Look, Noah, I know you've grown
a lot over this past year, but
there's a chance
that maybe you overripened.
Overripened?
You calling me a raisin, bro?
Yes, I am. You're a damn raisin.
Okay, so what if I am, okay?
Raisins are a nice, sweet treat.
Are you hearing yourself right now?
Raisins are terrible.
They ruin everything,
and you're about to ruin this moment.
Look, I'm sorry to say this, but
- maybe you're not a head case.
- [GASPS]
- You don't mean that.
- I do.
Oh, no.
Remember what Simone said on the tour?
No matter how much the wine changes
during the aging process,
the grapes' core attributes
remain the same.
And you're a grape that loves love.
Okay, but what if my grape
keeps getting crushed?
- It always does.
- Crushing grapes
is the only way to make wine, brother.
Look, I know you've had
issues in the past
with chasing love 24-7,
but you've done the work.
And I can't believe
I'm gonna say this
You need to listen to your heart.
Oh, my God, you're right.
My heart has been screaming out
for Simone all day.
Oh, what was I thinking?
The problem was, you were thinking.
Why did I think I should be thinking?
Thinking is dumb. I'm gonna call her.
Yes.
Oh, no. Her number's gone.
It must have fallen out
of my pocket somewhere.
- You don't think it's
- In the grapes?
Yes, I definitely do.
Oh.
Okay, we're all tied up
and on to the final question.
First one goes to Kristen.
Who does your partner
secretly want to smash?
That's easy the Pine-Sol lady.
She was the spokesperson
for polishing wood.
- It's official.
- Young Wyatt was a freak.
And older Wyatt is even freakier.
You're even freakier.
Hey, stop that right now
before I dock you both points.
Nicky, same question goes to you.
Who does your partner
secretly want to smash?
Ooh, Anthony.
- What?
- BOTH: What?
- What?
- Final answer.
- Wait, wait, wait.
- Fay, you want to smash Anthony?
No, my answer is Frasier
from the show "Frasier."
It is Dr. Crane all day.
I have no idea where Nicky came
up with this Anthony thing.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- I mean, it's kind of obvious.
You got to admit ever since
you guys went on that hike,
you look at him like this
Oh, oh.
- Ooh, that's how you sip it.
- I don't like him.
- Double-sip it.
- Fay, you are sweating,
and we all know
that you sweat when you lie.
Triple-sip it.
- You're all sweating.
- It's hot in here.
- Quadruple-sip it.
- BOTH: Shut up, Sherm!
I'm sorry, but this game
finally got good.
Guys, I can break the tension.
None of this matters,
because Nicky was wrong,
which means that Kristen
and I won the game.
Not so fast. Just because
Fay doesn't want to admit it
doesn't mean that I was wrong.
In fact, Sherm should give us
the win, because this is proof
that I know Fay better
than she knows herself.
That's ridiculous. That is
clearly not in the rules.
Hold up. I make the rules,
and the number-one rule
has always been follow the drama.
If Fay admits
to liking Anthony, they win.
- BOTH: What?
- Huh?
Drama!
[GRUNTS] The number has to be
in here somewhere, man.
- No hands in the grapes.
- You're making the juice dirty.
But we can stomp on them
with our bare feet?
Feet are for grapes, and hands
Well,
you look like a man
who knows what hands are for.
Okay, so we have to find this
piece of paper using just our feet.
- We got this, my dude.
- Okay.
Oh, baby ♪
[SULTRY R&B MUSIC]
What's your phone number? ♪
♪
I'm crazy ♪
♪
Call me Willy Wonka ♪
♪
Oh, I got it. I got it.
- Yes.
- Yes.
And
I can't read it. The grapes ruined it.
Unless hold on.
No, you're right. It's ruined.
Okay, folks, a quick recap
for those just joining us
If Fay admits to liking Anthony,
then her and Nicky win the game,
along with this fancy bottle
of wine that is so expensive,
I'm too afraid to even pick it up.
This game is corrupt.
Fay can just lie
and say that she likes him.
Okay, I now see the flaw
in this Wyatt is right.
- There is no way to prove it.
- Thank you.
Unless we search through
all of Fay's stuff.
- BOTH: What?
- Maybe we find a love letter
or some other sexually
charged paraphernalia.
I don't know. I'm figuring
this out on the fly.
- No, no, no, no.
- There's no need to search.
I know how to prove it.
If Fay doesn't like Anthony,
she will not mind
if I text him something raunchy
from her phone right now.
- Ooh, that's spicy.
- That is not spicy.
That is stupid, and you're not
texting him from my phone.
Why not?
If I texted Sherm, "Hey, let's
hook up," I wouldn't care
because everyone
would know it's a joke.
- That ain't funny.
- It's pretty hilarious.
I think it's funny,
and I barely spend time with you guys.
Okay, that's enough banter
from the contestants.
Fay, we need an answer right
now the timer is running out.
- Timer?
- Yes, I started one for the tension.
It's a simple
yes-or-no question for the win.
Fay, remember,
nobody likes a dirty liar.
So do you like Anthony?
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
No, I don't.
Well, then that means
that Wyatt and Kristen are
The perfect pair ♪
And that's how you sip it.
I knew it would catch on.
Hey, Jessica, we done
with your nasty sex room.
Yes, okay, thank you.
Well, apparently the vineyard
won't give me her number
because apparently desperate
men call for it all the time.
- Damn. I'm sorry, man.
- It's actually okay.
I mean, yes,
it would have been very cool
to connect with a beautiful woman
who talks about grapes
like they're sex.
- That was kind of crazy.
- I know, and I loved it.
But I think all the work
I've been putting in has paid off.
You know, I'm not furiously Googling,
"Beautiful, Black
wine tour guides near me."
That's the growth.
Now, is it wrong
if I was Googling that for you?
Nah, that just means
you're a good friend.
- So what's next on itinerary?
- Nothing.
- I think we're done for the day.
- What? Why?
Did the vineyard cancel
cornhole tournament?
- Man, I was about to ball out.
- What?
No. Your plans changed.
Noah!
Simone?
Simone.
[ENCHANTING MUSIC]
♪
Now, I'm not a rom-com guy like you,
but shouldn't you be meeting
her halfway with this running stuff?
Oh, snap, you're right, but
she's so close it's too late.
Noah, there you are.
Simone, what are you doing here?
Well, I couldn't leave
without seeing you again.
I know this might sound crazy, but
I feel like we had a connection.
That doesn't sound crazy at all.
- I feel the same way.
- [CHUCKLES]
So how about that drink?
How about my lips drink your lips?
Oh, I am so sorry. I'm nervous.
Oh, no, no. No, it's fine. I am, too.
Let's drink. [BOTH CHUCKLE]
Oh, seems like love
is really in the air
between vineyard employees and guests.
Helen, you're a beautiful woman,
and you deserve the best,
but this can't happen.
- Congrats to the perfect pair.
- [KRISTEN CHUCKLING]
Hey.
Hey, I'm sorry I lost us
that fancy bottle.
Oh, you have nothing to apologize for.
I'm the one who put you
on the spot, and I was wrong.
- Except you weren't.
- I wasn't.
[DEEP VOICE] I like him,
and I want to smash him.
[MOCKING DEEP VOICE]
Oh, no. What was that voice?
[NORMAL VOICE] I don't know. I haven't
had a crush in a really long time.
- I love this. This is so cute.
- You got to tell him.
- What? No way.
- What if I'm not even sure?
Anyway, if I am sure,
we're such close friends,
our first date would be, like, date 50
according to the date-time continuum.
Oh, you're using his nerd-ass logic.
You like him more than I thought.
I do,
but it doesn't matter
because he's dating that Talia girl.
Listen, he said it himself.
He's trying to keep things casual.
That's why he didn't
bring her on this trip.
You're gonna regret it if you
don't tell him, won't you?
[ELECTRONIC COVER OF PIXIES'
"WHERE IS MY MIND?" ]
And then Helen was all like,
"You can't put your hands
in the grapes,"
but it turns out
I didn't need my hands.
All I really needed was my heart.
Oh, that's so sweet.
That is sweet.
And she seemed to sincerely
enjoy the corny-ass way
you told that story, as well.
- I did.
- Incredible.
Well, actually,
we had a pretty wild day, too,
right, Fay?
Oh, really? Do tell.
Yeah, it was eventful.
Actually, do you mind
coming to the bar with me?
I wanted to talk to you
about something.
- Talia.
- Oh, no, it's not about her.
No, Talia, she's here.
- So sorry. Traffic was a mess.
- Am I late for dinner?
No, actually, it's perfect timing.
Yeah, perfect.
Definitely. So what brings you here?
- I invited her.
- Oh.
Yeah, I was inspired by my boy Noah.
That is so cool.
- That is so cool.
- [CHUCKLES]
Wait, uh, Fay,
what did you want to tell me?
Right, um
Wyatt wants to make love
to the Pine-Sol lady.
For real?
Oh, wait, no, I get it,
the wood polishing, et cetera.
And that lemon scent?
I mean, sometimes you got
to get the house clean
- before you can get it dirty again.
- [LAUGHTER]
I am so glad everyone gets it.
So I hope you're all enjoying
your dinner.
It was great hosting you all today,
and I was told
that this very special bottle
of our vintage Cab Franc
belongs to you two.
Thanks, but, actually,
this bottle belongs to Nicky and Fay.
- On us.
- Huh?
Y'all won the competition
fair and square.
- Thank you.
- What do you say?
- Should we pop that
- ALL: Cork?
- That was beautiful.
- That was beautiful.
But I think we should wait to open it.
What? No. I want to get fancy drunk.
I hear that,
but I was thinking every great
vintage gets better with time.
Imagine how much better
it'll be if we wait.
Maybe it'll be a year from now,
maybe longer,
but when we finally open it,
it's gonna be great
really, really great.
- Cheers to that.
- Clink-clink.
ALL: Clink-clink!
[INDISTINCT CHATTER, LAUGHTER]
[JAZZY MUSIC]
♪