Great News (2017) s01e09 Episode Script

1 [elevator bell dings.]
[upbeat music.]
- There you are.
- Oh, hi.
I'm sorry I'm late.
I was at the dentist and he was late because he tried espresso for the first time and he had a bathroom disaster.
- Not me.
- Please, stop.
I'm just really anxious to get my hands on your hacking story.
- How's it coming? - Great.
So I have proof that Biscuit Blitz is not just a game.
It's a data-mining app that's stealing information from people's phones.
This is so exciting.
Are you ready to run it tonight? 'Cause the last thing we want is to get scooped.
No, I-I need more time.
I haven't even figured out who owns the company yet, but the answer is in one of my boxes.
What boxes? - Good Lord.
- I know.
These are Biscuit Blitz's financial records.
It's all a bunch of complicated business gibberish.
Well, I need you to get this done AQAP.
- Hmm? - That's British for "as quickly as presentable.
" The stakes are higher than you know.
My Gram is coming.
[dramatic music.]
Wait, your grandma? Who cares? No, you don't understand.
She's not your ordinary gram.
She's very cold and we have a tenuous relationship and I really need to impress her and she owns the network.
Anyway, see you.
Hold up! Owns the what-work? [upbeat news broadcast music.]
You are such a secretive creep.
It is a private family situation, Katie.
I don't know everything about your family.
Well, I do, but that's only 'cause of Carol's blog.
"I am Carol Wendelson This Is My Blog Welcome to My Blog Hello.
" How could you have never mentioned this? It's not that weird, Katie.
That is so weird.
It's the weirdest thing I've ever heard, and I'm a season-ticket holder at Ripley's Believe It or Not.
Pays for itself after 50 visits.
Wait a minute.
So your grandmother is our boss's boss's boss's boss? 'S boss 'S boss's boss's boss.
My grandma owns a network.
- Like hell.
- Aw, come on.
- Yeah, right.
- Of underground mole people.
- Yes, she does.
- Portia, did you know that Greg's grandmother owns MMN? Hold up.
Your gram is Mildred Marlock? She's a serious business bitch.
She's on the British version of "Shark Tank.
" You know.
"Pond Scum.
" 'Ello, Scums.
What would you say to a revolutionary invention that keeps your beer warm? Investing in an idea like that is gonna make me rich and famous.
- I'm in.
- Indubitably! You could go with one of these balmy wankers, or you could go with the Scum who put a chimney roomba in every home, castle, and flat.
[dramatic music.]
I'll go with her.
Well, you'll all get to meet Gram today.
Uh, I really wanna show her that I've been doing a good job of running this place.
So who has segment pitches? Uh, there's a bomb threat - at a college in New Jersey.
- Wait, which one? Jonathan Bon Jovi Community College.
Oh, my God.
That's where my mom goes.
She's in her journalism class right now.
[indistinct chatter over police radio.]
Oh, excuse me.
Sir, sir, sir! Hi, have you seen this woman? Uh, no.
She makes me take them at Sear's every year for her birthday.
It's her birthday.
[indistinct chatter.]
- Hello? - Mom, oh, my God! I've called you, like, a million times.
- Are you okay? - Of course.
Why wouldn't I be? Wh I'm at your school.
- Are you here? - Of course I'm at school.
[whispering.]
Angie, make it sound like you're at school.
Uh, school sucks.
Yeah, drugs rule! Hey, everybody, look.
Here comes Fonzie.
[impersonates Fonzie.]
Hey! - Oh, boy.
- Wow! Ten credits.
Are you in Atlantic City? Oh, the new "The View" slot machine just came out.
I won 50 bucks on a Whoopi, Whoopi, Whoopi.
How long have you been skipping school? How long have you been a narc? - Mom.
- Okay, fine.
It's just the one time that I attended.
You have an internship for college credit.
You cannot work here if you don't go to school.
Oh, please, I'm like a God at MMMM.
Who's gonna fire me? [elevator bell dings.]
That's weird.
The wind is shifting.
It suddenly got cold in here.
Gram.
Hello.
[grunts.]
Ugh.
You seem on edge.
Are you taking those diet pills I sell? Don't.
I'm rebranding them as rat poison.
No, it's my mom.
I wasted all day thinking she was dead when I was supposed to be working on my story.
I missed a meeting with this hacker, The Oyster.
He used to be a low-level engineer - at Biscuit Blitz.
- The Oyster? - What a stupid name.
- [cell phone buzzes.]
DJ Pickle At Da Club.
What up? [grunts.]
Hey, has anyone seen my mom? No, and I haven't seen my mom in 28 years.
So thanks for reminding me.
[scoffs.]
Mom, are you hiding from me? I cannot believe that you haven't been going to school.
If it gets out that our unpaid intern isn't a student we could get sued, okay? Greg could go to jail for slavery.
Now that sounds like a Greg problem.
You have been working so hard.
Why are you willing to just risk it all to play hooky with Angie? Because I can't go to school.
Because I have a bully.
Oh, my God, Mom.
Yeah, I have to do his homework for him.
He tells me what to do and where to sit and when to go to the bathroom.
Mom, are you talking about your teacher? - Okay, fine.
- Great.
I haven't been going, Katie, - because it's too hard.
- Hmm.
The first day, the professor came in and he said for all of us - to turn our work into a PDF.
- Mm-hmm.
- Who's Petey F.
? - [quietly.]
Oh, my God.
I grew up with a Petey Francis, so, okay, I sent my work to him.
He didn't respond.
So I quit.
- Mom, ya barely tried.
- Okay, I need help.
- Not ridicule.
- All right.
When you were in the fourth grade and you were struggling, you almost failed math, and you would have if I didn't teach you with fresh and funky raps.
Remember? Yo, yo, my name is Carol And I'm here to say Fractions are bomb-diggity in every way Yeah, I got a D 'cause your raps were just about how great fractions are and they were filled with curse words.
Okay, you just don't get hip-hop.
- I raised you too white.
- Okay.
Mom, I don't have time to help you, and I really can't be distracted.
Yo, yo, my name is Carol and I'm failing school My daughter won't help me and that ain't cool - Bleep her - Oh.
Bleep her Bleep! And that is the control room where the magic happens.
- Is there magic happening? - I mean metaphorical magic.
Oh, it's always metaphorical magic.
Ah, the great Chuck Pierce.
I still remember your report when the statue of Saddam Hussein fell on your Porta Potti.
What a wonderful compliment, Dame Marlock.
It's a pleasure to meet you too.
Greg has told us so little about you.
Well, I just feel it's inappropriate to bring family drama into the workplace.
- Yeah.
- Go to school, Mom! I'm an old woman! Okay, fine.
But I want a backpack with "Frozen" on it.
We will talk about a backpack with "Frozen" on it.
Good lord, who's that? That is our 60-year-old intern, Carol.
No, not her.
You know, you should hire more older women.
We don't eat, so it's cost effective.
I mean the shrill one.
The one that was yelling at her.
Oh, that's Katie.
She's the one who's been working on that big hacking story I was telling you about.
Ah, yes.
The biscuit game.
I'm anxious to know more about that.
Katie, any updates on your story? Uh, no, but please keep bugging me about it every second - 'cause that's super helpful.
- Okay, well, just get through those boxes because we do not want to get scooped.
Uh, don't have to tell me about scooping.
I eat two pints of ice cream every night, pal.
Is this how the staff talks to you? Well, I'm very disappointed, Gregorious.
[door opens.]
Chuck, I need to ask you a favor.
With love and news, Chuck Pierce.
Nope.
My gram apparently likes you, and would dearly love it if you could join us for dinner this evening.
How dare you try to pimp me out.
I'm a newsman, not a courtesan.
No matter what you've heard about me and Joan Collins.
Please.
I just really need this visit to go well.
There is nothing sadder in this world than a strained relationship between a grandmother and a grandson.
Oh, cry me a river.
All my grandparents are dead.
Two of them at the hands of each other.
Ah, you're right.
I'm sorry.
It's not your problem I'm the black sheep of the family.
Black sheep? You? [laughs.]
You're a goody-two-shoes loser around here.
What'd you do? Not get into Hogwarts? Gram gave me a shot at working in the news at one of her companies in England and I [clicks tongue, snaps.]
What's that American expression you taught me? - Beefed it.
- Yeah.
Keep using that.
After my public humiliation, I decided to come to America to prove to her that I'm worthy of carrying on the family business.
Your gram sounds like a tough woman.
Reminds me of my ex-wife, Darlene.
She was bossy, manipulative.
She made me cut off my ponytail.
What's that? You think I should grow it back? Pfft, okay.
It's fine.
I'm sure Gram will understand.
No, wait.
Hey, you know what? - I will go to dinner with you.
- Really? Yeah, if only to teach you how to stand up to a monstrous woman.
No, Chuck, I really need this to go well.
She's buying, right? Because I will be ordering a bowl of soup as an appetizer.
- Not a cup.
- Chuck I know.
People say I'll fill up, but you have no idea how my body processes soup.
[playful dramatic music.]
[sighs.]
Okay, Wendelson, the answer is in here and you have all day to find it.
[sighs.]
Okay.
Take it one page at a time.
There you go.
- That was not so bad.
- [vacuum humming.]
What? Dark time? What the hell? It took me eight hours to read one page? [footsteps approaching.]
Holy "Blindspot.
" Okay, so I went to school.
I found out that the midterm is tomorrow and if don't pass, I get dropped from my class.
I phoned in another bomb threat, they didn't buy it, so now I'm studying.
No, you're not.
You're cheating.
- Ah, Katie - [page rips.]
[soft dramatic music.]
[sighs.]
I'm gonna fail this test.
Ah Mom, I I wish I could help you, but I just don't have time.
It's okay, honey.
It's not your problem.
Ugh, fine.
I'll do it tomorrow.
Okay, me too.
Great idea.
No, no.
You and I are gonna study for this test together even if it takes all night.
Oh, okay.
This'll be my first all-nighter.
- Unless you count my - Don't say your wedding night.
- Wedding night.
- Oh, my God.
We'll all have your prime rib.
I'm sorry, but you can't tell us what to order.
We're grown men.
Actually, I would like the prime rib.
Suit yourself, doormat.
Uh, think I'm gonna go with the, uh prime rib.
Greg, I have to come clean.
I didn't just come here to reconnect.
Obviously.
You came to see the sights.
Listen, I don't know if it's on your list, but you must do the audio tour at Ripley's.
It's narrated by Dean Cain in person.
No, I came here because I'm looking for the new president - of the news division.
- Really? I've been watching you over the past few years.
I know you came to America to prove yourself, but it wasn't until this morning that I was certain.
I'm giving the job to your brother.
What? Why? That was so misleading.
He's more of a boss than you are.
He's tough, calculating.
He's awful.
He found that legal loophole that let's us fire pregnant women.
Exactly.
You're too close to your people.
You let that awful Katie woman walk all over you.
What I saw yesterday was more disappointing than the day you didn't get into Hogwarts.
Excuse me.
Wow.
She's mean.
Greg I'm in love with your gram.
- What? - I'm gonna be your new pop-pop! Come here! [laughs.]
Mom, are you done reading the paragraph about libel yet? Hold on, hold on.
Just one more hour.
[gasps.]
Mom! "S is for Sex Murder"? Don't you do it.
Don't you do it.
- Mm-hmm, I'm gonna do it.
- Don't you dare! - I'm gonna - The killer is Tap Lacehand.
[gasps.]
What's the point of learning all this stuff? When am I ever gonna use it? At your job! Mom, you're being so difficult about this.
I'm sorry, Katie.
I'm just - afraid.
- I swear to God, Mom, if you say the school is haunted by a dead bride, I No, I'm afraid of failing.
Oh, I talked a big game about going back to school, but what if I can't do it? If I don't try then I can't fail.
Well, Mom, I know how you feel.
I've been fighting for Greg to give me my big shot, and and now that it's here, I feel like I'm completely in over my head.
Oh, you will be fine.
You have a young brain.
Oh, back when I tried to get my degree 30 years ago, - I was in my prime.
- Wait, wait, wait.
You went back to school 30 years ago? Sure.
Only, I had to quit when you came along.
Okay, don't feel bad.
You were just a baby who came out of me like a tornado.
My downstairs was destroyed.
Well, I'm not gonna let you quit this time, Mom.
I cannot learn this stuff.
It's like you with fractions.
Or me when I'm trying to remember Dave's mother's name, which is [stammers.]
- It's Carol.
- There you are.
But wait a minute.
You are right.
This is like me and fractions, and do you remember what we did when I couldn't learn fractions? We used fresh and funky raps.
Listen to this.
Yo my name is Carol And I'm here to say I protect my sources in an ethical way - In an ethical way - [claps.]
What are you talking about? How are you in love with Gram? Well, I don't know, Greg.
There's something about women like that.
Gram, Darlene, that hot chick who hosted "The Weakest Link.
" The meaner they are, the more they drive me wild.
- Ha! - What is wrong with you? Same thing that's wrong with you, buddy.
Sickos like us, we can't get enough of it.
No, you see, I'm not like that.
Oh, yes, you are.
You spent the last ten years of your life trying to impress a woman who clearly hates you.
Why do we do it? Why do we keep coming back for more? Because we hate ourselves.
You know, what would be really nice after this? Going home and crying.
[dramatic music.]
Oh.
Hey, Gram how was the bathroom? [playful dramatic music.]
You know what, Gram? Go to hell.
I beg your pardon? You're wrong about me.
I've changed.
I'm strong, I'm a good boss, I've nearly mastered the "Careless Whisper" sax solo on my recorder.
But most of all, I don't need to get pushed around by bullies anymore.
I've wasted years trying to impress you, but I'm done.
I'm done groveling to you.
Well, that's a shame.
But don't let it ruin your night in New York.
Now let me think.
What could I recommend that's fun.
Oh, have you ever tried treating a newsman like an ashtray? Opinions don't belong in hard news stories So delete "I think" from your phrase inventories Words You have earned that "Frozen" backpack.
- Okay.
- Come here.
- Ah, wish me luck.
- Yep, sure.
- Ah.
- Good luck, Mom.
Wait, what the hell? Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
We have just learned that the recent spade of celebrity hacks is being tied to the popular app Biscuit Blitz.
- I love that game.
- [chuckles.]
Guilty pleasure? Check.
[chuckles.]
An investigation has led to the arrest of notorious international hacker The Oyster.
Biscuit Blitz released a statement apologizing for the breach and informing gamers that they fixed the bug.
Speaking of bugs, I still can't kick this cold.
Uh, well, you better not get me sick, man - Oh.
- 'Cause I got Phish tickets.
- Oh.
- Two of 'em.
Both: What? [both laugh.]
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, man.
[both talking at once.]
I told you not to get scooped, Katie.
No, no, no, that story is wrong.
The Oyster's a two-bit hacker.
Why would he take the fall? He must have been paid off - by someone in the company.
- What company? You still haven't figured it out.
Now whoever owns Biscuit Blitz got ahead of the story.
- I - You beefed it, Katie.
[dramatic music.]
[soft dramatic music.]
Welp, I failed.
Your midterm? Mom, what what about the raps? You know how Kanye's a really good rapper, but whenever he tries to explain his music he sounds like a raving lunatic? - I get that now.
- Did you even try? Mom, do you know that I lost my story because I was helping you? Hey, I was perfectly fine cheating.
I certainly would have scored higher than a two.
Ah, I guess if I actually wanted to learn something, I should have stayed in school 30 years ago.
Well, I'm just wondering, why didn't you, Mom? Because I had you.
What was I supposed to do? Leave you with crackheads? Or your father? Did you really quit because I came along, or was school hard back then too and I was just a convenient excuse? You wanna talk about excuses? Who really quit because things got hard and she was afraid to fail? The old lady who learned 17 raps or the young woman who read one page of her documents? You could have worked on your story last night, Katie, but I was a convenient excuse.
[laughs softly.]
That's not true.
And 30 years ago, that wasn't an excuse.
That was a sacrifice.
There's a difference.
Hey, you could be my new daughter.
- I have to start over.
- Cool.
I'm going out of town this weekend.
Can you watch my ferret? I mean, your grandson.
He's very sick.
Gram.
I thought you'd be back in London or at your second home in Glouchestershireford-upon-Avon.
I just have one question for you.
Are you going to apologize? No.
I'm not.
Honestly, I don't love not having a family.
It's not fun eating Christmas dinner alone at the Olive Garden.
They say when you're there you're family, but they don't mean it.
Still, I would rather never see you again than apologize for standing up for myself.
I see.
You won! Won what? The jackpot, my dear boy.
The grand and glorious jackpot.
- Are you stroking out? - I misjudged you.
I had no idea there was a backbone in there.
If you can keep being tough and lead with a firm hand, you can run the news division.
[soft lilting music.]
Gram, I've never touched your hand before.
It's so cold and papery.
This Christmas, you will have dinner with your family at our winter estate in Berkshirefordbriarshire-by-the-sea.
- Hey, little buddy.
- Not now, Carol.
Well, it has to be now, Greg.
I beefed the midterm, and I don't wanna stop working here, so I wonder if you can just bend the rules a little and forget that it even happened.
I'm sorry, Carol.
You can't work here anymore.
No.
What? Greg, give me a break.
You can't fire her.
She does so much for everyone around here.
She's the only one who went to Justin's Chilean dance recital.
I liked it.
I wouldn't go back.
And she got over her initial fear of Wayne.
- What's that now? - And now they're best friends.
Yes, we are.
I thought I was your best friend.
And she volunteered to follow Portia's fiancé.
To make sure that he wasn't cheating on me.
Oh, you wanted to know if he wasn't cheating on you.
Okay.
But most of all, she has don't so much for me.
[soft upbeat music.]
She has made sacrifices for my whole life.
So if you wanna fire her, you're gonna have to fire me first.
Oh, Katie, what a sweet Okay, you're fired.
The old one can stay.
- Both: What? - You got scooped on your story.
All you do is mouth off.
Greg, are you gonna say something? I'm sorry.
You're fired.
[soft dramatic music.]
Come on, Mommy.
Let's go.
Hey, how many kidneys do you have? I never asked.
Take these away and bury them.
Then dig them back up and burn them.