Grounded For Life (2001) s01e09 Episode Script

I hate him.
He is horrible.
He's a swine.
You're right.
You are so much better off without him.
Yep.
You know something? What? I'm gonna win him back.
That's exactly what you should do.
Whoo! Hey, hey, whoa whoa whoa! The house is on base.
Aah! Aah! Whoo! Come on, come on! Come on, I can take it.
Hey, whoa whoa! Time out.
Whoa whoa whoa whoa! Is this even water? Hey, claud.
Hey, Lina.
How's Brian? He's cheating on me.
Uh, how's your sister? He's sleeping with my sister.
Oh god, oh, um You look great.
Leave.
Leave! You go! Are you sure? I'm very.
And now I'm wet? I I'm sorry, honey.
Boys: Aah! Aah! I said the house is on base! What happened to your little water fight? Can't have a water fight in the rain.
You don't know who's winning.
Duh.
No, no.
That's mine.
I'm the car.
You're the hat.
I don't wanna be the hat.
Tough.
But it doesn't make any sense.
Why would a hat buy a hotel? Well, why would a wheelbarrow go to jail? Ok? So don't overthink it.
Monopoly.
All right.
You want us to deal you in? Absolutely.
Oh oh.
We lost all the other game tokens.
That's all right, Jimmy.
I'll be the gum.
Uh-uh.
No, no.
Don't be gum.
Relax.
I'll put it on a penny.
Roll for me.
I'm gonna go grab a beer.
Oh, whoa.
No, no.
Don't go in there, man.
Why? 'Cause there's, you know, there's like a situation.
Somebody puke? Not yet.
How's she doin'? Oh, she is a whimpering puddle of bitterness and self-loathing.
Can I come listen? You wouldn't like it, honey.
That's what you say when you can't think of a real reason for me not to do something.
You got it.
Honey, why is it that an incredible woman like Lina cannot find one decent guy, huh? Lina? Oh, no.
Lina.
No, no.
Is she the one with the fat sister, or is she the fat sister? Her sister's not that fat.
Oh, so Lina's the hot one.
You got a mint, anybody? I Sean, please.
You You are not goin' in there.
Yeah, no.
You go in and talk me up No! Sean, this is your brother.
Yeah, that's the point, dad.
So, it'd kill ya to put in a good word for your own brother? I've put in good words for him before, and it always bites me in the ass.
Whoa.
Excuse me, Mr.
pennix.
Mr.
pennix.
Finnerty.
This is, uh, my brother I told you about.
For the job? And you'll vouch for him? Absolutely, sir.
He's a real team player.
He's willing to start from the bottom, work his way up.
What? All right.
I got an opening for a line inspector on the 4-5-6.
You start on Monday.
Whoa, whoa.
Sir, a line inspector.
Come on.
That's better than my job.
I've been here for years.
You're too valuable to me down here, finnerty.
Mr Mr.
pennix! Line inspectors don't do anything! Sweet.
I didn't know Eddie worked in the subway.
A day and a half.
I couldn't deal with the hat, man.
It was like pushin' down on my hair and everything.
How could you vouch for that cat-chucking bath mat, finnerty?! What, have you got your head up your hatch?! That brother of yours is a no-good fry-eatin' puddle mugger! I just wasn't made to work in your 9-to-5 world.
Oh, really.
'Cause I love spendin' 10 hours a day in a rat-infested tunnel.
That's what I'm sayin'.
Eddie's sensitive.
He'll find his way.
Oh, no, no.
Ever since we were kids, you've always sided with Eddie.
The force is with me.
Ah, quit it! Dad, Sean took my stick.
Sean, give your brother his stick.
But he keeps hitting me with it.
He doesn't know any better.
Now give him his stick.
Don't hit me.
I won't.
Aah! Dad! Nobody likes a whiner, Sean.
You have always taken his side.
What did I say about the whining? Dad, Henry put the dice in his mouth.
It's for luck.
Come on.
Come on, Henry.
Roll.
Roll.
Snake eyes.
I roll again.
Ah, great.
There go the margaritas.
See, now would be a perfect time to go in there and talk me up.
See, I thought I'd been clear on this.
I'm not gonna go do that.
Why not? Because I've talked you up to women before Many times and it always turns into a nightmare.
He's a great guy.
Very funny.
He's got a lot of potential.
Is he weird? Weird? Eddie? No.
Eddie's not weird.
Claudia He He's interesting.
Sean: Interesting.
Claudia: Yeah.
Now when we get up to the doorman, it wouldn't hurt to show a little skin.
But I thought you said you know the guy.
I know the guy, but I know he likes a little skin.
Ok, why don't you just slip him some money? I have to earn money.
Her skin is something she already has.
It's renewable.
It's like solar power.
I think pervert is a little unfair.
I want my crock-pot back.
Sean: And then there was faye.
Yeah, Claudia.
It went well.
Actually, it's still going well.
Faye, where'd you get these olives? They're delish.
Are you wearing my blouse? I was cold.
What? You're wearing mine.
Sean: Faye, faye, I'm sorry.
Faye, please.
I hope this doesn't come between us.
I mean, you are Jimmy's godmother.
Let Eddie be his godmother.
Sean: And then there was margot.
Uh, I'll have the scungilli, and the lady will have linguine with clams.
Oh, no.
I can't.
Yes, you can.
She'll have the linguine with clams.
Uh, no, no.
I'm allergic to clams.
I'll die.
No, no.
They're really good.
Trust me.
Eddie: I'll call ya.
When? Don't smother me.
Look, it's not Eddie's fault.
He's always had to bat women off with a stick.
Do women like that? Just keep your head in the game, son.
Who is it? Uh, it's some guy tryin' to give me a job.
Delete.
Why don't you put it on vibrate? Good idea.
What's vibrate? Vibrate is this.
That tickles.
Shave.
Come on! Hey, your butt's kinda hairy.
I'm goin' into the kitchen.
Anybody want anything? Yeah, I'd like you not to go into the kitchen, as instructed.
And get me a beer.
I got it.
This one time, right in the middle of it, he asked if he could call me mommy.
I mean, sick! I mean, the time he was prancing around in my underwear was bad enough, but did you ever in your life Stop.
Hi, Lily.
Hi, mom.
Hi, Lina.
What are you doin', honey? Nothing.
Just pretend I'm not even here.
So anyway, the next morning I find him curled up on the couch, in the fetal position, weeping, naked How long you gonna be? Not long.
I'm just gettin' some stuff and Makin' some fudge.
Really? And, um, what do you make fudge with? Um Mayonnaise? Get out.
All right, Henry.
I'm gonna trade you pacific Avenue for St.
James place.
But I like the oranges.
Sure, sure.
But you got 2 Greens and only one orange, and if you get pacific Avenue, you'll have what? No oranges.
True.
True.
Ok, but you'll also have a Lack of oranges.
No, no.
You'll have a monopoly! A monopoly! You want that.
It's good.
Don't do it.
Dad, stay out of this.
It's a bum deal.
You like trains, don't ya, Henry? Yeah.
Well, then give me all of those purples and yellows, and I'll give you the b&O railroad.
No, no.
It's a ripoff! No! Whoo whoo! Sean: Oh, come on.
Yo, where's my beer? They drank 'em all.
Man, Lina is so desperate and needy.
Oh, seany, you're killin' me.
You gotta get me an in.
Nope.
But desperate women love me.
You see, I would if you could name one woman I hooked you up with that didn't turn into a total catastrophe.
What about Abby? Abby? Abby?! Abby.
Abby! Abigail.
We're talkin' about Abby.
Abby.
Who's Abby?! Abby sells restaurant supplies.
Oh, and, uh, Eddie eats at restaurants all the time, and he's always commenting on the supplies, right? Right.
What are you lookin' at? You got some crud in the corner of your eye.
Got it.
Make a wish.
You get your wish? Uh, you still wearin' underwear? Who says I was? Check, please.
Check, please.
Uh, check.
Actually, he came back to my place.
Yeah, and he's still here.
Oh, I gotta go.
I'll call you later.
Ok, bye.
Hey, is that my shirt? Lookin' good.
Give mama some of that sweet stuff.
That's what you're holding up as an example? Hey, we went out for 2 months.
Oh, yeah.
And then what happened after the 2 months? Ah, come on, Sean.
What's the harm in lettin' your brother have a crack at the lush in the kitchen? No.
No way.
Uh-uh.
Ok.
I'm gonna go by myself.
No, you're not.
No, you're not.
Where do you think you're goin'? In the kitchen.
Uh-uh.
Oh, no.
'Cause if you go in the kitchen, you're dead.
I got you! Sorry! Come on! Come on! What are you doin'? Come on, Eddie! Look out! Oh, look out! Eddie's hittin' himself, dad.
Eddie's hittin' himself.
Come on! Come on! Ahh.
Oh.
Look what you did.
Naw, I didn't do that.
Shirt cost 80 bucks.
Shut up, the both of ya! Hey, hey, hey! He said I tore his shirt.
I don't know why you're making such a big deal about this, Sean.
Dad, if you knew what happened with Abby, you wouldn't want him going in that kitchen.
Why, what happened? We don't need to go into this.
Tell me! Left-handed.
Eyes closed.
Nothin' but net.
So, Abby, she's terrific.
Isn't she great? Yeah.
You don't meet people like that every day You know, people who can stand you.
Yeah.
She's one in a million.
Man, I gotta get rid of her.
So why would you want to get rid of her if it was goin' so well? Because he's Eddie.
Hey, I had my reasons.
It's freakin' me out, man.
I see her almost every day.
When I don't see her, I talk to her on the phone.
So she calls you.
So what? No, you aren't listening to me, man.
I call her.
Hey.
Hey, don't freak out.
Come on, accept it.
You're in a relationship.
Excuse me? A relationship.
What do you know about relationships? You've been sleeping with the same woman since 1986.
Yeah.
We're married.
It's a rut.
Look, either accept this thing or end it, and if you're gonna end it Hey Be a man about it.
Make a clean break.
Yeah.
I gotta do the right thing.
Ah! It's not even my birthday! My husband is so sweet.
"With deepest sympathy in your time of grief.
" Is that supposed to make you hot? "Good-bye, Eddie"? Hey, I got a deli platter here for the family of the late Edwin finnerty.
What? It's cool.
I got it.
What's going on? He's not dead.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
No, no, no.
Give it here.
Give it here.
Hey, we're in mourning.
Salami.
Man, they didn't know me at all! They probably didn't think you'd be eating it.
I'm not following.
He told Abby he was dead.
I did not.
If I told her I was dead, then she would know I wasn't dead.
Ok, ok, pardon me.
I'm sorry.
No, he had his buddy Kenny do it.
So Kenny calls her up, and he says that Correct me if I'm wrong You fell off the staten island ferr I was pushed.
He was pushed off the staten island ferry.
Then he was pulled sucked.
Sucked into the propellers, right? Then he tells her there's this big cover-up, so if she goes around asking too many questions, the ferry people are gonna chase her down and shut her up for good.
Ooh hoo.
Ha ha.
I am so sorry about Eddie.
Take these tangelos.
He he's not dead.
It will help if you talk about it.
He's not dead.
Acceptance will come in time, my son.
He's not dead.
What I'm saying is he's alive.
Yes, you're right, very much alive With the lord.
He's not dead! No, no! He's alive.
He is alive! No, he's alive! Yes, he is.
Right.
I mean he's alive, as in not dead.
He is alive! No! Yes! In here.
Yes, he is.
Amen.
Wait.
Was this about 4 months ago? Uh-huh.
'Cause people kept coming up and saying they felt sorry for me, but I thought they just meant in general.
All right, so I told a little white lie to spare somebody's feelings.
So what? No, you led her to believe you were deceased.
Well, it shows a good heart.
Aw, come on, dad! Ok, I'll give you $1,000 for boardwalk.
It's not for sale.
$100,000.
There aren't even $100,000 in monopoly.
$500 and 2 Real dollars.
I can live with that.
Ok, what was that for? I just love my seany, that's all.
And I love you, too, baby.
Oh, hey, baby, do me a favor, ok? Don't operate any more machinery tonight, all right? Even the blender? Especially the blender.
How sweet.
He doesn't want me to get maimed.
Ha ha That's right.
How's Lena? She ok? Lena is a superfine catch with a lot to offer And any man who breaks her heart is nothing but a bastard man! Set us up.
Ha! So this whole faking-your-death thing worked? Of course it did.
I mean, how could a plan that brilliant fail? All right Eyes closed, off the backboard, no rim.
Why do you always call crap you know you can't make? Just trying to psyche you out.
Oh, well, hey Good strategy.
I'm really intimidated.
Eddie? I've come back To tell you to let go.
You're alive! Ok.
Kenny said you were dead.
No, he didn't.
Yes, he did.
No, I think you're confused.
Right? Sean? You're on your own on this one, buddy.
No, no, no, no.
Somebody Somebody died.
Who was it? It was Oh, oh, oh, my god.
Wasn't me.
Ow! Ah Oh! Oh! Eddie Whoa! Yeah.
Next morning, boom! She dumped me.
Poor Eddie.
Oh, no, no, no.
Not "poor Eddie.
" Poor everybody else.
Hey, I suffer, too.
Suff you never suffer.
Come on.
You do whatever you want, and it just rolls off your back.
Ok, let's forget it.
Always.
All right, great.
All right, later.
Yeah, later.
Ok, bye! Bye! Well, now that he's gone, who's gonna be the gum penny? Who cares? Just take it off the table.
Well, I hope you're proud of yourself.
How would you like it if your brother told that Abby story about you? Well, that doesn't work as an argument, dad, ok? Because if he told that story about me, he'd be lying.
But admit it It would sting.
What's the problem, dad.
What's wrong? Well, you you never cut me any slack at all, and Eddie does whatever he wants, and you just you do backflips to defend him.
Eddie's Eddie.
What does that mean? That I expect more from you.
Really? Well, what, are you gonna get all blubbery now? No.
Thanks.
You know, that means a lot coming from you, and All right, who landed on Marvin gardens? Henry, where are the dice? They're somewhere on my body.
That is really not sanitary.
But it's really fun.
And when he touched me It was like frantic monkey fingers moving across my naked body.
Whoa.
And the way we screamed as we Aah! Lily Not now, mom.
Go on.
You were screaming.
Mm-hmm.
Upstairs.
What a gyp.
Eddie, Eddie, hey, I I'm sorry I I tore your shirt.
Oh, that's all right, man.
It only cost 10 bucks.
Oh, come on.
You said it cost 80 bucks back in there.
It had an $80 value.
You know, I really cared about Abby.
Well, yeah.
You should have thought about that before you died, right? What is that? Why are you always on me? I don't know.
I don't know.
It's just, you got you got all this freedom, you know? Y-y-you come and go as you please.
You do whatever you want.
Nothin' ties you down.
I got married when I was 18.
I don't know what that's like.
Hey, lookit, you got your house.
You got Claudia.
You got the kids.
You got some kind of job you go to.
You know Why do you think I hang around here all the time? I don't know.
I thought, you know, hey, free cable, food No, Kenny's got cable.
So, you wanna what? I don't know, you know Yeah, ok.
Come with me.
I'm going to call you a cab.
Ok.
It's raining, and I think you might have been drinking.
I might have been.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, I could give you a ride.
You don't have to.
Ah, I'd like to.
I'm Lina.
I'm Eddie.
Bye, claud.
Call me.
You have really beautiful hair.
Really? Thanks.
Oh, I know a guy who'd give you $100 bucks for it.
Are you serious? Yeah.
Lot of body, bounce.
And so, what exactly would they do with my hair? Well, they'd make a nice little handbag out of it.
Ah, young love.
Oh, yeah.
Cute couple.
I give it 24 hours.
What? She's gonna dump him like damp garbage.
He is classic rebound guy.
Really? Oh, yeah.
He's nonthreatening, moderately clean, and if you never see him again, who cares? That's my brother.
Yep.
He is gonna look very cute in that blouse, though.
Mmm.
Oh, god! You made me picture it! Oh! I own that.
$100, mom.
Well, that's not enough.
How about $200, and $200 for you, Jimmy? Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's What you doing with all my money? Sean, these are our children.
Don't you want to see them enjoy it while we're still alive? No.
I could use a couple of hundred dollars to tide me over while I'm in jail.
Claudia: You poor man.
Sean: Oh, god, no, no, no, no.
Please scoot over.
Come on, give me my place back.
Come on, dad.
Ah.
Why is this penny stuck to my elbow?