Happily Divorced (2011) s01e09 Episode Script

Happily Divorced is shot before a live audience.
'cause baby tonight **** Oh, oh, Miss Jennifer Hollilday, we loved you in Dreamgirls, and in fact, Peter sang "And I'm Telling you I'm not Going" at our wedding.
Uh-oh.
And I played the same part that you played in Dreamgirls.
and they said I was the best ****.
That's nice.
I've won the Critics Choice Award.
I've got two Grammys and a Tony oh, ye-ea-ea-ah! You win! You've got a nice set of pipes, girl.
Oh, she's got a great demo.
Well, I would love to hear it some I'll go get it! She can just give it to my producer.
He's right over there.
- Oh, my God, Elliot? - You know him? I don't wanna talk about it.
I got naked in his hot tub, and he and his ex-wife walked in on me.
Man, I miss L.
A.
I love you, Jennifer Holliday! Oh, God, oh, God.
Seeing Elliot is going to be awful.
Fran, he's back together with his wife.
I'm sure your name doesn't even come up.
All right, maybe when they're in the jacuzzi they have a laugh about you sitting there naked, waiting to have sex with him.
That's not funny.
I'm only laughing 'cause he's coming over and I want him to think I've moved on and him being here isn't killing me.
- Fran? - Oh, Elliot, hi.
- What a surprise.
- Yeah, how are you? - Oh, well - I haven't seen you since Oh, that horrible back spasm that I had when I had to take that emergency hot tub.
And I hope that, you know, your ex-wife Audrey didn't think that I was being rude because I had to get out of there so quickly.
Actually, she was okay with that.
Oh, good, good.
A little ticked you took her robe.
Oh oh, I thought that was yours.
She's a big-boned gal, huh? I'm glad that, you know, you and Audrey are back together and happy.
To tell you the truth, things aren't going so great.
Oh, Elliot, I'm I'm so sorry.
she was certain that he was her one and only but their union always seemed a little forced she got married anyway turns out that he was gay they're still in love, but now she's happily divorced Peter, I know in my heart that Elliot wants to get back together.
I mean, why else would he say that he and Audrey weren't happy? Fran, you know your history with this guy.
I get that he's gorgeous.
And strapping.
And looks like a young Kris Kristofferson.
And totally lost my train of thought.
Peter.
So did I.
Look, did he say he wants you back? Well, not in so many words.
All right, what exactly did he say? Oh, I don't know.
I wasn't listening.
I kind of got lost in his stubble.
Fran, don't do this to yourself.
'Cause right now Elliot is in Malibu with his ex-wife.
They're soaking in the jacuzzi of shattered dreams.
He said things.
Yeah, well, unless those things were, "I left her, I want you, and Peter can borrow the beach house on off days," he's not the right man for us.
Oh, who's that at this hour? - Who is it? - It's Elliot.
Oh, my God, Peter.
- Fran.
- Peter.
Fran.
Yes.
I'm sorry, I know it's late, but I saw your lights were on, and I really wanted to talk to you.
All right.
Let's go talk on the porch.
- Fran.
- Peter! I am so glad that we bumped into each other tonight.
Listen, before you say anything more I have to tell you that I know that you and Audrey are still living together, and I feel very uncomfortable about that and this whole situation.
You are so gorgeous, I just can't stop thinking about you.
Go on.
And about Audrey whatever was wrong with our marriage is still wrong.
But you're still together, and I really don't know what you have in mind here, but I personally feel very uncomfortable being with somebody while they're still living with their ex.
You're still living with your ex.
He's gay.
The only sexual experience we share is fantasizing about you.
I gotta be honest not really comfortable with that.
Look, I am going to tell Audrey that it's over.
Well, that's totally up to you and a choice that only you can make.
When might that be? Have dinner with me on Friday.
Well, if it's really over between you and Audrey, I'd love to.
Oh, no, I can't.
- I'm gonna be in Las Vegas.
- What's the problem? I can fly up there and meet you.
Go on.
I can be there by 10:00.
Order us a bottle of champagne.
Strawberries? Chocolate.
Friday.
I had a kiss I had to put somewhere.
Bueno.
Adios.
Cesar, what's going on? It is my wife.
She's telling me that I must go to her mother's birthday and that I cannot go with you to Las Vegas for the flower convention.
But I told her, I am my own man, this is my job, and I am going! - To her mother's birthday? - Yes, have fun in Vegas.
Oh, great.
Who's gonna come with me to the flower convention? Well, maybe somebody who stole your youth and still owes you big-time.
- Yeah! - No.
Come on, Peter.
It'll be fun.
Oh, yeah, Vegas in August.
Was hell booked? Here's the deal.
If you come with me to the flower show, I promise that I will never again bring up the fact that you came out and ruined my life.
- For real? - No.
Heh heh heh heh.
But Liza's playing.
I'll get you a ticket.
Oh, Fran, you don't have to bribe me with a Liza ticket.
I'll just come and help you.
- For real? - No.
Heh heh heh heh.
- Elliot? - No, it's me.
Oh, thank God, get in here.
I need you to help me with this dress.
Oh, here, come here.
- Help me.
- All right, all right.
- So tight.
- Jeez.
- What? - Get the straps - let me put this - All right, hold on.
You know what? Be careful.
- Don't get my hair.
- I got it, hold on.
Okay Ah! Ah! - Okay, hook it, hook it! - I'm hooking, I'm hooking! Ahh! - Ooh oh, God.
- Whoo.
Remember when we used to do this in reverse? Yeah.
How do I look? - You look fantastic.
- Thank you.
Elliot is such a lucky guy.
I'm proud of you, sweetie.
- Have a good time.
- Yeah, you too.
- Hey, Fran.
- Yeah? Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
Don't do that.
Elliot Oh! Oh, hello? Elliot, hi.
Are you here? Are you in the lobby? Oh.
Oh.
Wasn't Liza amazing? And that dancing.
That, sir, is a living endorsement for artificial hips.
Well, I didn't really notice.
I was busy looking at the guy sitting next to me.
Oh, really? Was he cute? Oh, me! I'm sorry.
You know what I thought? I thought you were talking about the - Open the door.
- All right.
- Peter - Oh, boy.
Work, work, work, work.
Peter is that you? Here, you try it.
Hurry, hurry.
Peter Oh oh, I'm sorry.
I had no idea.
Uh, go, have a good time.
Honey, what's the matter? Is it Elliot? Yes, but it's okay.
It's okay, it's okay.
I'm so sorry.
My ex-wife, 18 years.
I hope you understand.
Oh, you have no idea.
Should I wait? No.
Franny, honey? What's the matter, sweetheart? Elliot didn't come.
He doesn't love me! Oh, now, don't jump to conclusions.
Come on.
Maybe he got hit by a bus or died.
No, he called.
He said he broke up with his wife, but he's all confused and the timing just isn't right! Oh, sweetheart.
I'm so sorry.
Here.
I'm here.
I'm here.
Oh, Peter.
Even though you ruined my life and you stole my youth, you're the only man I can ever count on.
Franny, you know what we're gonna do to make you feel better? Order a lasagna? No.
We are gonna forget about Elliot, and we're gonna paint the town.
This is Vegas, baby! The night is youngish and so are we.
Sort of.
Come on! Let's go.
We're gonna hit the bars.
We're gonna throw back some cocktails.
This is sin city! We're gonna find you a hot guy and let the sinnin' be beginnin'.
- Okay, I'll go.
- Ah, that's my girl.
Let me just see what I look like.
Oh, my God.
Look at me.
I look like a cheap hooker.
All right, let's go before it wears off.
Ohh Unh.
What did I do? 'Scuse me, sir? Sir? - Peter! - Morning, Fran.
What are you doing in my bed? - No idea.
- Well, what are you even doing my room? Well, how do you know it's not my room? All these rooms look exactly the wait.
You have a kitchenette.
Who cares? Your room, my room - why are we in bed together? - I don't know.
The last thing I remember was being drunk at Cirque Du Soleil and screaming, "somebody's gonna die!" I'll never drink this much again.
Oh, I feel so oh, my God, Peter.
You have a major hickey.
I do? Who could have given me a Fran? Peter you don't think that we No.
Do you? I don't know.
Are we naked? I have to say, I was little surprised to hear from you after what happened in Vegas a couple of weeks ago.
But you know what they say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
Nothing happened in Vegas.
Well, then it's a good thing we're in L.
A.
, because from the mountains to the prairies - to the oceans - What are you talking about? I don't know.
Do you still like me? - Two more, please.
- Oh! - Peter! - Why does this keep happening? Oh, Peter, I have something very big to tell you.
I have something to tell you too.
- This involves Las Vegas.
- So does mine.
Remember the guy from the hallway with the chest? - Yeah.
- He came to L.
A.
to see me.
Believe me, there's nothing you're gonna say that's gonna top that.
Yeah, well, I think we had sex in Vegas, and I think I'm pregnant.
How? How is this possible? A man and a woman fall in love.
They get married.
He comes out.
They get divorced.
They get drunk in Vegas, and nine months later, out pops a very well-dressed child.
I'm late.
I mean, I am never late.
I really think I'm pregnant.
You really have to have your parents here the night before we do a pregnancy test? Peter, it's not as if we're gonna spend the whole night cramming.
Apparently, we already did that.
Okay, kids, enjoy yourselves.
Oh, not too much for Glen.
He gets touchy-feely when he's driving.
Why didn't we just cancel? Because then they would have thought something was wrong, they would have come over here anyway, and then they would have asked us a million questions! What's going on over there? What's with all the whispering? What's the big mystery? Yeah.
This is so much better.
Don't do that! The baby! Shh! I don't want them getting all wound up.
Don't say the word baby! So Peter, what's the chef making tonight? Back ribs.
What the hell's a back rib? Oh, you mean baby back ribs.
- She knows, she knows! - Peter.
Would you mind going into the kitchen and checking the placenta polenta! Wait a minute.
You two never said how Vegas was what did you do? I slept with your daughter, she may be pregnant, and I saw Liza! Peter! Oh my God! Okay, now don't overreact.
The only reason why we didn't say anything - is 'cause we're not 100% sure.
- Glen, Glen! We're gonna be grandparents! Ma! Put down that phone! Drop it! Drop it! One person! Just let me tell one person.
Can we all just wait until tomorrow when I take the pregnancy test before we start sending out bar mitzvah invitations? Aww you two.
Tried for so long to have a baby and it never happened.
But now, all your dreams could come true.
What dreams, ma? We're divorced.
We're in our mid-forties.
We're trying to live separate lives.
New lives.
It's really not the best time for us to be having a baby.
Sweetheart, you remember the movie Benjamin Button? Yeah, about the guy that ages backwards.
Well, you're not him.
Well, it says here that it takes three minutes, and then we'll know.
So set the timer.
Ah - Kinda humid today.
- Yeah.
Not a dry heat like Vegas.
I think, you know, if it rained it would probably be cooler and not as humid.
Yeah.
And it would help the drought situation.
Peter, I cannot be a mother! I couldn't even have a fish! I didn't know you fed the fish, and then I overfed the fish, and then I killed the fish.
All right, come on, honey, so you killed a fish.
But look, you take care of flowers.
You nurture them, and they grow and blossom.
Cesar does that.
Oh, Peter, it's just the timing is so off! I mean, we're just starting our lives as single people.
What if you have a date? What if I have a date? What if we both have a date on the same night? - Yeah - Although, what are the odds of that happening? Look, Fran, come on.
We have had to face things that couples just don't have to deal with.
How scary was it when I came out? But what really changed? We still live here together.
Apparently, we still have sex together.
So our unusual little family will grow.
Peter, I'm telling you, I am definitely going to be the worst mother! Oh, look at her.
She's got your smile, Franny.
She's got your hair and your eyes.
And your voice.
Is she ever going to understand our situation? Well, I went to the bookstore.
They had my two mommies, my two daddies, when mommy and daddy get divorced, but they didn't have when mommy and daddy get divorced, daddy turns gay and moves into the den.
No, they did not.
No, they did not! Come to mommy.
Good girl.
Come to mommy.
Come to mommy! Yeah, what a good girl.
Oh! Wait.
I know what she wants.
Gimme that.
Gimme that.
Gimme that, gimme oh, mama knows.
Mama knows.
What a sweet girl.
Should we look at it together? You ready? Here we go.
Oh.
It's negative.
Good news, huh? Yeah.
Whew.
- You okay? - Are you okay? I'm fine.
Sort of.
I'm okay.
- Timing.
- Timing.
Come in.
It's us.
So what's the news? Sorry, guys.
Wasn't meant to be.
Well, that's perfectly all right, darling.
It's probably for the best.
So, um so we'll just leave you two alone in case you wanna try again.