HarmonQuest (2016) s01e09 Episode Script

1 [gentle chime.]
Spencer: Last time on "HarmonQuest" When we collect all three runestones, we will bring your world into ruin.
Now that I've collected all three runestones, we can finally resurrect the Manticore and rule this world.
- What's your name? - Eddie Lizzard.
We are here to destroy the Heralds of Manticore.
Technically - there is a beef Because you're here to defeat the people I work for.
Guys, give us ten minutes.
[both groaning.]
You just give me 70 gold to give me a handjob.
"I nailed it, nailed it," I'm saying.
[dramatic music.]
- We could have - used that dragon.
- I mean, that would - have been nice To be friends - with a dragon.
Is this the end? This is the end of us, and it's probably the end of you back there.
I'm going to miss you when you're dead.
I am sorry.
Are you sorry? You're great.
- Spencer: Since the dawn - of the 1970s, Fantasy role-playing games have provided men and women with an escape from their awkward lives.
Today, the most awkward of them all, Dan Harmon, is summoning celebrity friends to play these games of old in front of a live studio audience in Hollywood.
I am Spencer, the Game Master, and this is HarmonQuest.
[cheers and applause.]
Thank you for coming to "HarmonQuest" again.
I'm Dan Harmon.
With me, as always, expert role players Erin McGathy [cheers and applause.]
Jeff Bryan Davis [cheers and applause.]
And our Game Master, Spencer Crittenden.
[cheers and applause.]
And our guest role player this evening, the amazing, the suave, the sometimes Marty McFlyish Rhea Butcher.
[cheers and applause.]
Thank you.
So Rhea, we don't know.
What's your history with fantasy role-playing games? Any at all? Let's see, I have, like, a very strong history of playing it about twice when I was about 12, so I really know what I'm doing.
Well, in case you're rusty on this since 12, this is, you know, it's an analog video game using this guy's crazy brain as a processor.
- He tells us everything - that happens.
- We tell him everything - we want to do.
He rolls dice and cites rules to tell us whether or not we succeed.
- Really, what it is like - bad improv at a table With pieces of paper in front of each other.
Without further ado, Spencer, take us away.
Let's quest! [cheers and applause.]
Join our heroes now in a long, - golden gem-encrusted - hallway.
As you walk, the only sound you hear is your own footsteps.
But the silence is pierced by the sound of a voice speaking from behind you.
Uh I'm a sword.
Aghh! - Get get me out - of this sheath.
- I can't breathe - in this sheath.
- I turned around - and looked towards - Where the voice - is coming from.
The voice is coming from one of Fondue's scabbards.
I slowly draw it.
Hello? Oh, it feels so good to be out.
- Shh.
- Ohh! [speaking gibberish.]
Hey, little sword, but what's your name? James Dean.
James Dean.
Well, how come you've waited so long to start speaking? You've been in that scabbard for some time.
Sure, I was knocked out and put into the scabbard.
So I just woke up.
- Huh.
- Wow.
- Do you have any - magical powers? Like, is there What does a talking sword - give you that - other swords don't? Let's see, I have all kinds of spells and stuff.
Ooh, Yeah, like a Holy Blast.
[laughs.]
She seems pretty cocky about that Holy Blast.
Yeah.
- I'm looking forward - to seeing it.
- That blast is holy.
- Yeah.
- If I know anything - about anything, It's that talking swords always have very complicated origin stories.
Oh, absolutely.
I was bounced around from sword home to sword home.
- Oh.
- Foster swords.
- All kinds of things, - you know? I went to Catholic all-sword school.
It was terrible.
How many people have you killed or beasts or creatures? Wow.
And do you just personally, do you take credit for that? - Oh, absolutely.
- Yeah, okay.
- It's all me.
- Swords kill people.
People don't kill people.
It's the sword.
It's controversial.
It's controversial.
Well, Boneweevil, - see what we're up - against in that next room And maybe James Dean will get to kill more people.
Spencer: You see several cultists hauling large wooden buckets full of blood.
They're pouring the blood from the buckets into a large marble basin.
Other cultists are drawing stuff on the floor and spreading magical reagents and powders around as if preparing for a great ritual.
Let's kill them.
Okay.
I like that.
That's what I'm here for.
I like that.
I run towards the cultists.
Hey, stop it! Stop it! I have no-stop! How did you get in here? Uh, well, I mean, a series of riddles and handjobs.
We're going to kill you guys.
And here's why.
Because you've left a wake of death in your wake.
[laughter.]
And you know what? I'm not a speech-maker.
I'm a I'm a sword-wielder.
As you wield your magical sword, a spirit conjures into being.
It looks like a slight young woman named James Dean.
Unless you want to identify as a man.
It's it's really up to you in this instance.
Thank you so much.
- I really appreciate - the opportunity.
- That is nice.
- I identify as a female sword.
Thank you.
I could tell from the hilt.
Thank you.
A shimmering armored figure springs into being.
It seems to be the spirit of the sword.
- Oh! - Oh, what's happening? I'm turning into this thing that's going to help you out.
I have, like, a spirit body and armor and stuff.
- Hey, Heralds - of the Manticore, What has two thumbs and is about to die? Uh Wait, what has way more thumbs than that, ten thumbs, and is about to die? And then you guys also have to point at yourselves with your thumbs.
It's you guys.
It's you guys.
What has one sword and is going to kill you? That's easier.
Me.
And I'm all out of gum.
[applause.]
Yah-hee! I'm attacking.
You swing your blade, dealing 14 damage to the Bugbear Cultist.
Slice to see you.
[laughter.]
What the fuck, man? Where's Synax? Where's he at? This is some bullshit.
You see you see a jackal-headed cultist run in from a side room.
He's panting.
Sorry.
Sorry I'm late.
But you're too late! You see, the mystical runestones have the power to supercharge magical energy to control and bind portals and to give life.
Get it? If we combine them together with a touch of blood magic, we can collectively break the boundaries between life and death and resurrect our dark lord.
I start drinking the blood.
What the I start drinking - the blood.
- You start - drinking the blood, - But after two or three - swallows, You start vomiting into the blood.
I got into a Barbarian Rage.
You do that.
[singing gibberish.]
I'm gonna take out my short sword, New Friend, and I'm going to hack at the jackal.
You hack at the jackal.
It's a critical hit.
Boneweevil: Yeah! Dealing 25 damage.
Jesus.
Whoa! The Cultists leap into action.
The Bugbear who Fondue attacked attacks back.
But he misses.
Two of the cultists circle around Buer.
Their hands crackling with dark energy.
One of them touches you, dealing five damage.
I use my Far Sword at this point.
- Well, your sword - that became a thing, An entity, you have your own sword? I also have a sword.
- Pulling a sword - of sheer energy, You conjure it and swing it in a clean arc, dealing 14 damage.
The Bugbear explodes into pieces.
- Nice.
- [cheers and applause.]
I start shooting more arrows at the other cultists.
Shooting the wounded cultist with your arrow, - you strike him - right in the This is right in the face.
Good job.
Dealing 25 damage.
Whoa! He drops to his knees and falls on his face as blood leaks out.
Synax is like What's going on? This is terrible.
He starts channeling negative energy - that arcs out - in all directions.
It might hit you if you fail a save, which you are.
Uncanny Dodge! Okay, yeah.
Everybody but Rhea fails their save.
All three of you guys take 19 damage.
Wah! I come swooping around from behind Synax, the jackal-headed dude, with my golden rapier and lunge, and, like, try to just stick him right through the liver.
Your swing goes a bit wide and you stick him in the kidney instead.
Oh.
He takes 18 damage.
Still counts.
Let's see, I brandish by great sword - to take out - the rest of the cultists.
- You're just - brandishing it though? No, I'm swinging it around.
Swinging around the sword, you strike one of the lesser cultists.
He's a thin, graying man.
- Ohh, Jesus.
- Jesus.
I feel kind of bad about Dealing 13 damage to his brittle bone.
Oh.
Oh.
Wow.
Synax! What? Now you die.
Yaah! You swing your Bastard Sword with mastered strength.
It deals 11 damage to Synax.
Ohh.
[applause.]
Synax, he staggers back.
He's bleeding pretty heavily.
He's like Oh, I got to take a minute.
He touches himself.
- Gross.
- No, no, no.
He's rubbing his body as white lightning spreads throughout it, knitting his wounds.
- His white lightning.
- All right.
And clotting his blood as he gains 17 health back.
Okay, I turn towards Synax and I take New Friend and I try to go right through the snout.
You slice a great blow right on his nose as it slices his nose clean off.
Now that's a Synax infection.
Yeah.
[cheers and applause.]
You see? He he takes seven damage.
I run at Synax, and aim straight with my golden rapier at his pancreas.
This guy's so clinical.
You lunge with the rapier, but Synax steps neatly to the side as if he predicted your approach.
Whoa.
The old man hobbles over.
He starts poking at you with a dagger.
Hey, hey.
- The old man stabs you - for three damage.
I take my Bastard Sword, which I assume I'm holding.
Mm-hmm.
And I just like I want to like I do want to like I want to put it right in his face.
Like like like Like through his mouth and through the back of his head just to end it fast.
Doing those things, you stab him right in the mouth as he takes 20 damage and gurgles blood as it spills all over the floor.
It seemed like a good idea.
He flops to the floor, dead old man.
- Oh.
- I But well, but before you could do that thing - you were about to say - you wanted to do, You hear the stomping and clanking of plate mail armor.
Fools, you have failed me for the last time.
A dark-armored figure comes into view from a hidden doorway.
He raises his glove, and red energy surrounds his hands, and you can see all the blood coagulating from the fallen corpses of the cultists and fly, streaming through the air and pouring into the marble tub.
[dramatic music.]
- Oh, shit, we - We gave him the extra blood.
- They were out of blood - and we killed It's like "The Gift" "of the Magi" but worse.
Synax, you will pay for your failure with your life essence.
He clenches his fist, and Synax crumples - like a paper ball - as all of his blood Files out of his not-nose and enter the marble tub.
It's almost completely full.
- Well, I'll - tell you one thing, You're not getting any of this blood.
- [yells.]
- I run by him, And I swipe at him with my magic dagger.
You find a chink in his armor and you stab him.
His blood seeps out of his wounds.
He takes 17 damage.
Yep.
Vortheon raises his hands - and conjures - a torrent of blood From the bleeding wound he has in his side.
I mean, there's no winning here.
The blood torrent, it rushes towards you like a large attack.
All right, I open my mouth.
Ahh! - Well, you get hit right - in the face, But everyone else takes no damage.
You take 14 damage, and you start bleeding.
Can anybody heal her? 'Cause if we keep bleeding, - he's gonna finish his ritual - and we're screwed.
- Does anybody have - healing for her? Yep, I think I can cure wounds with a spell.
- Do it.
- Right? - Yeah.
- Ahh, heal me! You are healed for 15 damage.
Yeah.
Does that stop Does that stop the bleeding? It does, it knits your wounds back together.
Way to go, Vortheon.
Looks like you're in overdraft in the blood bank.
[laughter.]
What's on the floor that I can pick up? Dead people.
Okay.
I pick up the old man and I say Welcome to your retirement! And I whip it towards the most recent person who entered.
[yells.]
You whip the old man around - and fling him - right at Vortheon, - But your shot goes wide - and he crumples into a pillar.
You hear an ear-splitting crack as well as a muffled scream as if maybe he wasn't quite dead.
[laughter and applause.]
Oh.
He is now though.
Vortheon, he conjures a spike of blood in his hand and he stabs it right at you, dealing seven damage as you start bleeding once more.
Goddamn it.
I take out my orange potion.
You take it out.
I have a potion.
I don't know what it does.
Let's hope for the best.
- I hurl the potion - at Vortheon.
You hit it.
It hits him right in his armored head.
- Glass shatters - all over the place As the orange fluid drips inside of the helmet.
Sleep.
He seems - a little bit dizzy, And then he starts floating into the air.
- Oh.
- Oh.
- He's getting the handle - on his air legs.
Jesus Christ.
He starts floating around.
- Shit, give me - an orange potion.
- I only had - I only had one.
He holds his hand out at Buer O'Shift.
You can feel the blood that's bleeding out of you.
It's being ripped from you at an incredible pace.
Aah! You take ten damage as a large spike forms of your blood and launches directly at Boneweevil.
Jeez.
- It hits Boneweevil - directly in his chest, - Dealing just - Just four damage.
Okay, I can handle that.
The spirit version me deals a Holy Blast.
Yes! Here we go! Yes! Yeah, yeah, yeah! - You hit him - with a Holy Blast.
Flames engulf him as he takes 19 damage.
Yeah! He seems to be woozy.
- He grabs - He grabs his runestones.
He's got 'em, he's clinching them in his fist, and electrical energy starts arcing out of the pills and starts going into the blood basin.
It starts bubbling over.
It's a very unstable ritual, - and you feel energy - crackling around you.
Everyone takes four damage of just ambient magical energy.
There might not be enough blood, but I'll make it work.
[laughs maniacally.]
You can't even stop me even when I'm almost dead.
I use my Minor Magic or my Telekinesis and try to steal one of the runestones out of his hand.
You start pulling it out of his hand, - but he just closes - his hand harder.
All right, I It's not that tough.
Can I use Telekinesis to, like, tie his shoes together or something like that? He's wearing greaves.
[laughter.]
Jeff, he's wearing greaves.
[laughs.]
What are greaves.
They're plate mail shoes.
Oh, okay.
Composite longbow, pulling it back to its utmost tautness.
Pachoo! Sssssss.
- In rapid succession, - you fire off Two quick arrows with deadly aims.
- Oh.
- Yeah, man.
I use I use Hey, come on.
Will you come on.
He takes nine damage.
I use Climb.
You climb up one of the pillars.
And I take out one of my bombs.
The bomb from Hawaiian Coffee in the prison.
Yeah, and I hurl it at Vortheon.
Eeeeee! It makes a high-pitched squealing sound as it explodes on Vortheon's chest, dealing 14 damage.
Yeah.
Ah-ha! I will use my Fortitude and my Acrobatics and my Far Sword, because this sword is far.
Doing those things, you acrobatically with great fortitude unleash your Far Sword.
It hits him for 12 damage.
- It strikes him - directly in the chest, Cleaving through his plate mail armor.
Great gouts of blood pour out of his chest into the blood basin.
Goddamn it! No! Magical energy continues to swirl around the ritual.
Vortheon, he's staggering.
He says You know what? You guys - I might have lost - a lot of blood, But there's one thing I know about blood.
It's that I need more of it into this tub.
He he clenches his fists once more, and you can see his armor crumpling in on itself as all of his life blood flows out, out of his body into the blood bath, the ritual blood bath.
He laughs as he crumples to death.
- The blood bath - Buer: Jesus! It boils and roils as magical energy explodes.
You see a blinding white light as you're knocked by the impact into the far walls.
Ohh.
- That guy really - believed in this.
Yeah, you kind of have to admire that guy's work ethic.
Yeah.
- You see the three - Binding Runestones Floating in the air, swirling with blood energy as a hole rips in the world.
It rips like a hole Like a portal like a A portal between life and death itself.
And entering through the portal walks a four-legged creature emitting an aura so powerful - that in your weakened - bleeding state, You can't even move in its presence.
It has the body of a horse-sized jackal with a strange human face ringed by a tangly, spiky mane bearing rows upon rows of razor-sharp teeth in its mouth.
It also has wings.
Anything else? It's also got a scorpion tail.
Did I say that? Oh, shit.
You know what that is? What? It's a Manticore.
Right? Yes.
Whoa! I am the Great Manticore.
Your world will end.
I will open the Demon Seal and unleash darkness upon this entire world, and there's nothing you can do to stop it.
Enjoy the last seconds your world has in one piece.
The Manticore, it flexes its muscles before floating up in the air.
Guys, I got this.
Using all of the karma that I've acquired, I grab the magical sword and I throw it, my ancestors' strength be true.
It strikes directly in the butt and sticks fast.
Gotcha! It floats up into the air - and just crashes - through the ceiling And then another ceiling and then another ceiling as it breaks through out of the dungeon that you're in.
It floats up into the air and flies off.
Oh.
Directly towards Earthscar Village.
Oh, we could have just stayed there.
We would have given them two less runestones.
Let's just take this moment to reflect on how bad we are at our jobs here.
You can see the sword spirit's form flickering as the sword gets farther and farther away.
James Dean, you're leaving? I have to leave.
- I have to go back - into the sword.
I didn't think I thought it would kill the Manticore.
- Sure.
- I didn't think I was He's definitely not into it, so it's gonna to make him at least very bummed for quite sometime.
- I feel like you guys - can catch up to him.
- Can we ask one - noble favor of you? Can you, while you're stuck in his butt, - is there any spell - you can cast - While he's flying - towards our home village - And maybe you can do some - more damage and maybe Sure, I will cast a Hammer of Light in his butt.
[laughter.]
Light enters his anus as your spiritual form disburses.
Oh.
Good-bye, James Dean.
Good-bye.
- All right, so is there - anything else in the room That's of any value or anything that we could use - or, like, take with us - or anything? You do see the three arcane runestones lying on the ground.
- Why would he leave - the runestones here? - Or he didn't need them anymore.
- Yeah, I guess they're Like earplugs after a concert, you know? Is my runestone Is my runestone that was my necklace there? Yeah, it is.
Okay, I pick that up.
You pick it up.
- Let's each of us - Fondue, you take one.
I'll take one too, so we each have one of the runestones.
Oh, I guess.
But would Fondue ever be reunited with James Dean the sword? And what of the Manticore's ominous threat? Can our heroes save their village or even get there before the Manticore unleashes hell on earth? Find out next time on "HarmonQuest.
" [cheers and applause.]
- Rhea Butcher, everybody.
- Yeah! Jeff Davis, Erin McGathy, our Game Master Spencer Crittenden.
I am Harmon.
This has been my quest, but there's one episode left.
We'll see you in the final episode.
[cheers and applause.]
[dramatic music.]
Did you get any of that? It's-a good-a show! [upbeat accordion music.]