Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law (2000) s01e09 Episode Script
X, The Exterminator
Our nemesis, Birdman, continues to elude us.
lndeed, and there is only one man who can stop him.
X, the Eliminator.
Yes, it is l, X, the Eliminator and only l can rid you of this scourge, Birdman.
What is your price? $1 million.
lt is agreed.
We will give you the money and in exchange, you will bring us the crest of Birdman.
That's it? For that amount of money l thought l'd have to -you know, kill him.
-God, no.
What are you, crazy? Behold.
The crust of Birdman.
Crest.
All right.
Yep, my error.
l am so sorry.
How does that thing.
Kids! Can l play? A harmless child's toy? Of course.
But in the wrong hands, a potentially dangerous weapon.
Have you been injured.
He's a lawyer! A lawyer! All right, calm down.
Let's see what we've got here: ionic lip remover, ionic nail hygiene product Bobby Riggs limited edition.
Have you seen my console? My silver death console.
With the ray! -Have you seen it? -Don't you use that tone with me! -Yes? -Harvey, get in here.
-You wanted to see me? -Yeah, l need your help.
-Really? -On my way to work l hit a guy.
-That doesn't seem so bad.
-Every day this week.
-Any witnesses? -Some kids.
-Nobody believes kids.
-And a nun.
Nobody believes nuns.
Someone's suing Phil Ken Sebbin, damn it! l'll take the case.
And if we lose, it's you and me, Birdman, against the world.
Two heavily armed men in a bunker, fighting extradition.
-Yes? -Hello.
Hi.
Yeah, l'm here to eliminate Birdman.
Birdman? -And you are? -X, the Eliminator.
Exterminator.
Finally.
Start over by the ficus.
Birdman! -Yes? -At last we meet! Do l-- You thought you could be rid of me that easily, Birdman? Never! You don't remember me.
Of course l do.
-X! -Yeah.
Guilty.
Old X, the Eliminator.
-So, you still-- -Eliminating? Now and then.
You know, no complaints.
-So, what brings you by? -l'm here to kill you.
-lt's been great.
-Yeah, yeah, it.
Jeez.
Come on, a lawyer.
Die! Sorry.
You know, we should do something.
Lunch, coffee.
Really busy.
Terrifically busy right now.
-Coffee! -Coffee! -Sure! -All right.
Okay.
When? Sometime soon.
Great! The crest of Birdman! lt's so shiny and smooth and-- Let me just get out of your way.
lndeed, Birdman.
Soon you'll be out of the way fore l forgot my pen.
All righty, then.
ver.
-Briefcase.
Doy.
-Here you go.
For new car registration press two.
For vehicular manslaughter, press three.
Slide out of the saddle there, mister.
l've got a half a biscotti on that plate.
l think l know why they call them ''Sloppy Joes.
'' Cover me.
Nobody.
Nobody.
Nobody.
That you, Birdman? You get that thing l sent you? There he is.
He was in there, and l was in there, and well, l couldn't, you know while he and l were both in there, and now l really have to.
-Hello? -Where are you? -Who's this? -X.
The Eliminator.
Hi.
What you been up to for the last 20 minutes? Well, let's see here.
-Where are you? -ln my office.
And guess where l am.
l am across the street at the coffee shop where we were going to meet for coffee! Did we even pick a day or a coffee shop? Look, what's your tomorrow like? lt's resolved.
l'm gonna moon him.
-We could grab some lunch.
-Right.
-l'll meet you.
-Okay.
Don't forget.
Wait! Meet me where? Darn rotary phone.
There's no star 69! -Almost there, almost there.
-Birdman, in here get.
ln get here in.
ln.
You know what l mean.
Birdman, this is lrena, my Ukrainian stylist my sexy, sassy czarina with the saucy sassoon.
-Do you have a point? -Nyet.
Getting dolled up for court tomorrow.
Shave and a haircut, two.
Hold on.
Anybody here? Anybody? -Phil! -Oh, God! lt's not so bad.
Tell me l'm pretty.
l'm a pretty little girl.
You didn't hear that.
Birdman! Prepare to meet thy fate! Thy? Come on! l'm free all next week for lunch.
l have you in my sights.
Come on.
Come on! Please! Crest on Birdman's helmet! God's sake! Hi, l've got a luncheon appointment with Mr.
Birdman.
lt's for tomorrow.
Your lunch appointment's here.
For tomorrow.
l'm trying to kill him, and he doesn't even know l exist.
What kind of assassin am l? '"Birdman, may l hurt you? May l just please hurt you?'" -No, a squiggly snake.
-Good.
Good.
Outline of Georgia.
Pass.
Give me a hint.
Hi, how are you doing? Gosh, l'm sorry.
l hate to be a bother.
l really.
l don't know your building.
l've never been to your law firm before.
Do you have a power strip? He's still there? He can't still be there.
K, X.
Listen, l think l have to go to the little Harv's room.
Distract him.
F-U-C l can't make out that next one.
The crest on Birdman's helmet! Come on.
Crest on Birdman's helmet! What the.
Sorry.
Obviously, l take the bus.
Thank you.
You're doing a great job.
Since the handicapped spot's closer to the door some would say he's lucky.
Good.
ls that a plug, three-prong? ls it unreasonable to expect today's pedestrian to wear just one piece of reflective clothing? Yeah.
Tubes.
Anytime now.
l'm gonna get you! While the damage.
Stay right there.
ln front of me.
That's good.
-While the damage to the hood.
-Excuse me.
And now, if l can just lure Birdman to my secret spot.
Could you watch my death ray? Do you have tubes? And so, Officer, would you say that my client respects the rule of law and moreover, the sanctity of life when he's not late for an appointment? Crap! Tubes! ln your report which we'll call defense exhibit 17 did you or did you not-- l've trapped you, Birdman, in my vice ray! Can't read my discovery notes.
And now, Birdman l will suck the sun's energy from your body! Does anybody smell that? There's, like, hair burning.
Okay, here we go.
Avenger! Operation Rescue.
Operation Rescue! -Help! -That's right, how does that feel? Must shishi poo-poo.
At last! The crest on the mighty Birdman's helmet.
Mine! Watch it now.
-Good going, old chum.
-Chum? Now reverse the ray.
That's it.
The healing rays of the sun.
ln his pants.
ln your report, you said it was a blue car.
l'm walking towards the light now.
Yes.
My client was in a light blue car.
Good enough for me.
Not guilty.
Excuse me.
Birdman! Everyone, everything's back to normal.
Everything.
Your lunch date's here.
Damn it.
English
lndeed, and there is only one man who can stop him.
X, the Eliminator.
Yes, it is l, X, the Eliminator and only l can rid you of this scourge, Birdman.
What is your price? $1 million.
lt is agreed.
We will give you the money and in exchange, you will bring us the crest of Birdman.
That's it? For that amount of money l thought l'd have to -you know, kill him.
-God, no.
What are you, crazy? Behold.
The crust of Birdman.
Crest.
All right.
Yep, my error.
l am so sorry.
How does that thing.
Kids! Can l play? A harmless child's toy? Of course.
But in the wrong hands, a potentially dangerous weapon.
Have you been injured.
He's a lawyer! A lawyer! All right, calm down.
Let's see what we've got here: ionic lip remover, ionic nail hygiene product Bobby Riggs limited edition.
Have you seen my console? My silver death console.
With the ray! -Have you seen it? -Don't you use that tone with me! -Yes? -Harvey, get in here.
-You wanted to see me? -Yeah, l need your help.
-Really? -On my way to work l hit a guy.
-That doesn't seem so bad.
-Every day this week.
-Any witnesses? -Some kids.
-Nobody believes kids.
-And a nun.
Nobody believes nuns.
Someone's suing Phil Ken Sebbin, damn it! l'll take the case.
And if we lose, it's you and me, Birdman, against the world.
Two heavily armed men in a bunker, fighting extradition.
-Yes? -Hello.
Hi.
Yeah, l'm here to eliminate Birdman.
Birdman? -And you are? -X, the Eliminator.
Exterminator.
Finally.
Start over by the ficus.
Birdman! -Yes? -At last we meet! Do l-- You thought you could be rid of me that easily, Birdman? Never! You don't remember me.
Of course l do.
-X! -Yeah.
Guilty.
Old X, the Eliminator.
-So, you still-- -Eliminating? Now and then.
You know, no complaints.
-So, what brings you by? -l'm here to kill you.
-lt's been great.
-Yeah, yeah, it.
Jeez.
Come on, a lawyer.
Die! Sorry.
You know, we should do something.
Lunch, coffee.
Really busy.
Terrifically busy right now.
-Coffee! -Coffee! -Sure! -All right.
Okay.
When? Sometime soon.
Great! The crest of Birdman! lt's so shiny and smooth and-- Let me just get out of your way.
lndeed, Birdman.
Soon you'll be out of the way fore l forgot my pen.
All righty, then.
ver.
-Briefcase.
Doy.
-Here you go.
For new car registration press two.
For vehicular manslaughter, press three.
Slide out of the saddle there, mister.
l've got a half a biscotti on that plate.
l think l know why they call them ''Sloppy Joes.
'' Cover me.
Nobody.
Nobody.
Nobody.
That you, Birdman? You get that thing l sent you? There he is.
He was in there, and l was in there, and well, l couldn't, you know while he and l were both in there, and now l really have to.
-Hello? -Where are you? -Who's this? -X.
The Eliminator.
Hi.
What you been up to for the last 20 minutes? Well, let's see here.
-Where are you? -ln my office.
And guess where l am.
l am across the street at the coffee shop where we were going to meet for coffee! Did we even pick a day or a coffee shop? Look, what's your tomorrow like? lt's resolved.
l'm gonna moon him.
-We could grab some lunch.
-Right.
-l'll meet you.
-Okay.
Don't forget.
Wait! Meet me where? Darn rotary phone.
There's no star 69! -Almost there, almost there.
-Birdman, in here get.
ln get here in.
ln.
You know what l mean.
Birdman, this is lrena, my Ukrainian stylist my sexy, sassy czarina with the saucy sassoon.
-Do you have a point? -Nyet.
Getting dolled up for court tomorrow.
Shave and a haircut, two.
Hold on.
Anybody here? Anybody? -Phil! -Oh, God! lt's not so bad.
Tell me l'm pretty.
l'm a pretty little girl.
You didn't hear that.
Birdman! Prepare to meet thy fate! Thy? Come on! l'm free all next week for lunch.
l have you in my sights.
Come on.
Come on! Please! Crest on Birdman's helmet! God's sake! Hi, l've got a luncheon appointment with Mr.
Birdman.
lt's for tomorrow.
Your lunch appointment's here.
For tomorrow.
l'm trying to kill him, and he doesn't even know l exist.
What kind of assassin am l? '"Birdman, may l hurt you? May l just please hurt you?'" -No, a squiggly snake.
-Good.
Good.
Outline of Georgia.
Pass.
Give me a hint.
Hi, how are you doing? Gosh, l'm sorry.
l hate to be a bother.
l really.
l don't know your building.
l've never been to your law firm before.
Do you have a power strip? He's still there? He can't still be there.
K, X.
Listen, l think l have to go to the little Harv's room.
Distract him.
F-U-C l can't make out that next one.
The crest on Birdman's helmet! Come on.
Crest on Birdman's helmet! What the.
Sorry.
Obviously, l take the bus.
Thank you.
You're doing a great job.
Since the handicapped spot's closer to the door some would say he's lucky.
Good.
ls that a plug, three-prong? ls it unreasonable to expect today's pedestrian to wear just one piece of reflective clothing? Yeah.
Tubes.
Anytime now.
l'm gonna get you! While the damage.
Stay right there.
ln front of me.
That's good.
-While the damage to the hood.
-Excuse me.
And now, if l can just lure Birdman to my secret spot.
Could you watch my death ray? Do you have tubes? And so, Officer, would you say that my client respects the rule of law and moreover, the sanctity of life when he's not late for an appointment? Crap! Tubes! ln your report which we'll call defense exhibit 17 did you or did you not-- l've trapped you, Birdman, in my vice ray! Can't read my discovery notes.
And now, Birdman l will suck the sun's energy from your body! Does anybody smell that? There's, like, hair burning.
Okay, here we go.
Avenger! Operation Rescue.
Operation Rescue! -Help! -That's right, how does that feel? Must shishi poo-poo.
At last! The crest on the mighty Birdman's helmet.
Mine! Watch it now.
-Good going, old chum.
-Chum? Now reverse the ray.
That's it.
The healing rays of the sun.
ln his pants.
ln your report, you said it was a blue car.
l'm walking towards the light now.
Yes.
My client was in a light blue car.
Good enough for me.
Not guilty.
Excuse me.
Birdman! Everyone, everything's back to normal.
Everything.
Your lunch date's here.
Damn it.
English