Hey Arnold! (1996) s01e09 Episode Script

1
MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.
(YOWLING)
(BARKING)
Hey, Arnold!
(OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(CRASHING)
(SCREAMS)
Hey, Arnold!
Arnold.
Arnold.
(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.
Arnold.
Move it, football head!
ALL: Hey, Arnold!
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
(LAUGHS HEARTILY)
(GASPS)
(SIREN WAILING)
Give me your money.
Okay.
All I have is change.
And a bus pass?
You were holding
out on me, kid.
ARNOLD: Hey,
leave me alone, you creep.
(CRASHING)
And work on that attitude
of yours next time, punk!
Or you'll get worse.
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
So, some punk kid
jumped you, eh?
How big was this punk?
Big.
Big punk!
Big.
Big, huh?
Oh, simmer down,
you hot headed looney.
All a boy needs to do is
take one of them
self defense classes.
Learn themselves
some of the Haiku.
GRANDMA: Buffaloes steak
and beans tonight, compadres.
Gather around the chuck wagon
and meet your field.
Why the long face, Tex?
You look like five-miles
a bad prairie.
I know godma.
Mai! Some punk
took his bus pass
and knocked him flat.
Oh, what's the world
coming to? I tell ya!
If every (CONTINUES RANTING)
MR. HYUNH: Are you okay, Arnold?
Are you fine, kid?
GRANDMA: You're
all right, Arnold.
I'll make you some green tea
and put you to bed.
Yes, sleep is a good idea.
That's okay, Grandma.
I'll make myself some
hot chocolate.
Goodnight.
GRANDPA: Goodnight, Arnold,
see you in the morning.
So, what do we do
about this, pooky?
Oh! I've got plans for Arnold.
(ALARM RINGING)
(YAWNS)
(EXCLAIMING)
(GASPS)
(GONG CRASHES)
Morning, tadpole.
Grandma, it's early.
What are you doing?
Your self defense training
begins today.
Self defense training?
What do you know about
the martial arts, Grandma?
Didn't I ever tell you
of my years in the convent
in Shanghai?
ARNOLD: Yeah!
Oh, was that before
or after Tibet?
Anyway,
your training starts today.
Wow!
(GONG CRASHES)
Enter, my son.
Uh-uh! The shoes?
(FLUTE MUSIC PLAYING)
Okay, I'm ready, Grandma.
Where do we start?
Shhh!
Lose yourself!
Fall into the limitless void.
Assume a state
of relaxed alertness.
(FLY BUZZING)
Be as the frog in a pond.
He does not seek the fly.
The fly comes to him.
Now, try to snatch
the fly out of my hand.
When you can snatch
the fly out of my hand,
your training will be complete.
(DRUMS ROLLING)
(MOTIVATIONAL MUSIC PLAYS)
(GRUNTS)
(RUMBLING)
(GRUNTS)
(CAN CLATTERING)
ARNOLD: Hiyah!
GRANDPA: Aah!
(HUMMING)
Be as the frog
in a pond, Arnold.
(FLY BUZZING)
Ew!
Ugh!
(CHILDREN LAUGHING)
(GONG CRASHES)
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYS)
(EXCLAIMING)
(ALL GASPS)
(ALL CHEERING)
Mama leoney!
(GULPS)
(ARNOLD GRUNTS)
(ALL CHEERING)
So come on Arnold,
spill it.
How did your grandma turn you
into martial arts machine?
I don't know, she said
something about how you must
be as the frog in the pond.
Next thing you know,
I was kicking cans
off the top of Harold's head.
I've never felt
like this way before.
I like it.
I said, what's in the bag?
Macaroons
and Mallomars, mister.
Wrong answer, brush head.
You can do better than that.
ARNOLD: Hey!
What do you want?
I want you to leave
those kids alone.
(CHUCKLES)
ARNOLD: Fair warning.
Don't make me use these.
(LAUGHING)
Look at him.
(GRUNTS)
(ALL SCREAM)
Run!
Wow, look at that.
That was great, Arnold.
I had no idea.
Man, Arnold!
Those hands and feet
are lethal weapons.
Yeah! When I run into that creep
who stole my bus pass,
I'm gonna get it back.
(SIREN WAILING)
Hey, wait a minute!
This is all happening
little too fast.
Man, last week he was
getting mugged,
this week he's Bruce Lee.
ARNOLD: Hey, you.
Yeah, you.
You're talking to me?
You talking to me?
GRANDPA: No,
I didn't say anything.
There's nobody else here.
You're talking to me?
You talking to me?
(CHILDREN SCREAMING)
(BELL RINGING)
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
EUGENE: I'm okay.
(GRUNTS)
(SCREAMS)
What do you mean,
I've changed?
Just what I said now.
You've changed
(CAT MEOWS)
and I'm worried
about you, man.
Look, I gotta go!
(CLOCK TICKING)
Don't worry about me, okay?
Just go easy
on that ninja stuff.
Okay, Bruce?
Relax! What could happen?
Hey!
(GRUNTING)
(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)
I was just trying to ask you
where is the bus stop.
(CRYING)
Just the bus stop.
(CRYING)
Oh, you wack, who do you think
you are, pushing him around?
(PEOPLE GRUMBLING)
Yeah, he just wanted to know,
where's the bus stop.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
MAN: Hey,
watch where you're going.
MAN: Crazy power.
Now you're getting it
through.
We're worried about you.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(BELL TOLLING)
(GROWLING)
Sit down and tell me
of your troubles, tadpole.
It's over, Grandma.
I'm giving up.
Giving what up?
This Bruce Lee karate lifestyle
I'm incultivating.
It's all big power trip.
Well, how so?
I was just using it to show off.
Then I went too far
and made a big mistake.
Now, I just want to
forget about it.
Congratulations, Arnold.
Now your training is complete.
I don't get it.
Yes you do.
It's the art of "self "defense.
Be as the frog in a pond.
"Do not seek the fly,
the fly will come to you."
You keep saying that, Grandma,
what do you mean?
You know!
Is it that you don't go
looking for trouble,
'cause that causes more trouble,
but it's okay
to stand up for yourself,
and grab the fly
when it comes to you?
GRANDMA:
Oh, something like that.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
Grandma, it's the kid
who stole my bus pass.
Chill, my son.
Go with the flow.
Eh, granny four eyes,
I like the purple hair.
(LAUGHS)
Sticks and stones
may break my bones,
but words are brittle chimes
in a windstorm.
Give me your purse, granny.
You can have that.
It's just a purse, you know.
For what are
worldly possessions,
that we cannot
take them with us.
Hey, I know you.
You're the punk
with the bus pass.
Here it is, punk.
You want it?
Try and take it.
(VOICE ECHOES)
Try and take it!
Try and take it!
(FLY BUZZING)
(LAUGHS)
(LAUGHING)
(BUZZING)
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
(YELLING)
Hey, ooh. No offense, man.
You want the bus pass?
Take it.
And the 65 cents.
Yeah, yeah. With interest.
And here's your purse, ma'am.
(YELLING)
Of course, sometimes
when your own
personal space is violated,
there are occasions
to use the training.
(YELLING)
Let's go inside
and I'll make us
some green tea.
Thanks. Maybe I'll just have
hot chocolate.
(YOWLING)
You city kids don't know
what real camping is.
But this weekend,
you're gonna find out.
Sleepin' under the stars,
cooking weenies and beans
over a camp fire,
making doodie behind a tree
like a big bear or
Wow. It's beautiful, Grandpa.
Sure, it's beautiful.
Everything in nature
is beautiful.
Unless it's ugly.
Come on.
Let's go jump
in that lake.
No. Let's hike up
that mountain.
Not so fast.
First thing we got to do
is make camp.
Make camp?
Sure.
Clear a tent space,
chop fire wood,
haul water.
There's a lot of work to do
before you start having fun.
Now can we swim and hike
and catch some fish?
No. What do you think this is?
A camping trip?
Can't go skylarking off
without learning some basic
survival skills.
Come on.
When you're trekking,
there are plenty of ways to tell
if an animal has been by.
Broken branches,
footprints, even scat.
What's scat?
You know, scat.
Droppings, like what you're
standing in. See.
(SQUELCHES)
Now remember, only do this
under adult supervision.
"Red and sweet are good to eat.
"But I swear by this sonnet,
green will make you vomit."
I thought it was
"Green and sweet
are good to eat."
No, I've been saying it
all morning.
"Red and sweet, red and sweet."
Excuse me for a minute.
(ARNOLD RETCHING)
You're vomiting,
aren't you, Arnold?
Now, boys, if moss always grows
on north side of the tree,
which way is camp?
Um This way.
(SQUEAKS)
Huh?
Nice skunky, good skunky.
Nature bites.
(GRANDPA SNORING)
Gerald, you asleep?
Are you kidding?
Mosquitoes, poison berries,
Grandpa snoring.
How am I supposed to sleep?
Yeah. I wish Grandpa
hadn't eaten all those beans.
(GRANDPA FARTS)
At least it covers up
the skunk smell.
That's it! Tomorrow morning
we tell Grandpa we want out.
Grandpa, we have
something to tell you.
Wait till you have
some flapjacks cooked over
an open flame.
Mmm Charred and tasty.
We want to go home.
Home?
We're tried of nature,
we hate it.
What? But you just got here.
Yeah, but we are cold
And dirty.
and hungry.
You got to get cold
and dirty and hungry.
That's the only way to camp.
(LOUD THUDS)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS)
GRANDPA: Cod-darned
city slickers.
Ruining the wilderness
for the rest of us.
I don't know
It's a miracle. We're saved.
Here we are girls.
The great outdoors.
Say it ain't so, Gerald.
Good parking, Dad.
You ran over a tree.
Hey, hey, hey!
The RV 2000 doesn't
run over trees,
it bends them
with patented bumper riser.
Whatever. Come on, Phoebe,
let's go inside
and watch some TV.
Hey, while you're in there,
pull some steaks
out of the freezer, will you?
We'll have steak and eggs
for breakfast.
Steak and eggs?
Helga, did you happen
to observe that the occupancy
of the adjacent campsite
were none other
than Arnold and Gerald?
What? Arnold,
in the next campsite?
(STAMMERS) I mean, big deal.
Why do I care
if Arnold is camping
just a few yards away from me
at this very moment?
(BELL DINGS)
I'll be in the toilet, Phoebe.
(WHISTLING)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS)
Oh, fate! Oh, fortuna!
What a strange hand
you've dealt me.
Arnold, in my own campsite.
Arnold! The name itself opens
hidden doors to my heart.
And yet, he can never know,
unless
There's some way
I can be alone with him.
Alone with my love in the wild.
Ow!
Ophelia's overlook.
What better place to reveal
the secrets of my soul!
Hey, Phoebe!
Yes?
Let's go for a walk.
Coming.
Well, well, well.
What a surprise.
Oh. Hi, Helga.
You guys camping?
Where's your RV?
We don't have an RV, Helga.
We use a tent.
Where do you keep
the ice cream?
Wait a minute.
You guys got ice cream?
Technically, it's frozen yogurt.
You know, one of those
soft serve machines.
But hey, we're roughing it.
BOB: Helga?
Coming, Dad!
Anyway,
we better get back to camp.
The steak and eggs are ready.
(PHOEBE CHUCKLES)
Yeah, Jerry.
I'll be back in the office
on Monday.
Yeah, I brought all the
high tech camping equipment.
The girls?
Oh yeah, they're loving it,
which is great,
'cause I'm killing
two birds with one stone.
(WHISPERS)
Testing the merchandise
And spending some quality time
with my daughter, Olga.
Helga, Dad.
Yeah, yeah, Helga.
Anyway Jerry,
I'll see you on Monday.
Well, you girls ready
for some breakfast?
Say, Dad. Uh
Those guys over there
are in my class,
and not that I really like
either of them or anything,
but I was thinking,
they looked kind of hungry.
Maybe we should
invite them over to eat.
Huh? Sure.
(YELLS) Hey you guys,
come and eat. We got plenty.
(CLATTERS)
We'll be right back, Grandpa.
Okay, but you don't know
what you're missing.
(SLURPING)
So Dad, I've been thinking
about something else.
Why don't we all go
for a nice hike in the woods?
Huh?
I thought you hated hiking.
Whatever gave you that idea?
Perhaps it was on the way here,
when you kept saying,
"I hate hiking,
"I hate hiking, I hate"
Ow!
Come one, Dad, it'll be great.
You'd be killing
two birds with one stone.
Hmm. Not a bad idea.
Okay, it's a plan.
Everybody who wants to go
on a hike say "aye".
ALL: Aye!
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)
BOB: Okay. I got
the solar power face mister
to keep me cool while I walk.
Phoebe's got the computerized
path finder to blaze a trail,
(BEEPING)
Helga's got my new deluxe
fridge-o-back, chock-full of
pre-packaged gourmet food.
Wow. Nature is a lot more fun
when you watch it on TV.
Welp, here we are.
Nothing like nature, eh?
Now how about some lunch?
Helga, pop open
that fridge-o-pack.
Phoebe, turn off that beeper.
Your knob appear to be stuck,
Mr. Pataki.
Let me see that thing.
(BEEPING)
Ugh! Cheap piece of junk.
I'll sell thousands of 'em.
(BEEPS, STATIC)
(STATIC)
Oh, man! Just when nature
is getting interesting,
the TV goes out.
Unbelievable!
Dad, I think something's wrong
with our lunch.
Hmm, looks like
the vacuum pack didn't seal.
(BUBBLING)
Ew!
Gross.
BOB: Give me that.
Hoo-fa!
Holy toledo, that's rank.
Well, at least there is
one good way to get rid of
faulty equipment on the trail.
(GRUNTS)
(THUDS)
Well, I guess that puts us in
a bit of predicament
regarding lunch.
HELGA: (THINKING)
At last alone with my love
in the wild. Ahh!
BOB: Well, let's
get back to camp
and eat.
We still got some steaks
in the freezer.
Criminey!
Dad, shouldn't we be getting
near camp soon?
Yeah. Wish we still had that
path finder though.
Yeah, but the sun's going down,
it's getting kind of
cool up here.
Maybe I should turn off this
(YELLS)
Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!
Are you all right?
Are you okay, Mr. Pataki?
Am I okay?
Look at me!
The food's gone,
my neck's burnt,
the mister doesn't work.
And to top it all up,
we're lost!
(SCREAMING) Lost?
I thought you knew
where we were.
I've been totally lost
as we saw those signs
in Spanish.
(YELLING) What?
We're all going to die.
Actually, Gerald and I
can get us back.
My grandpa thought us
how to follow trails.
All we got to do is
retrace our steps
and we'll be back in no time.
But if I don't eat
something in a minute,
I'm going to keel over.
Aren't those the same kind
of berries that Grandpa
pointed out?
Yeah. Red and sweet
and good to eat.
BOB: You boys are crazy.
You can't eat stuff
that's just growing outside.
I must admit, I admire
Gerald's survival skills.
Moss grows on the north side
of the tree
We're on the right track.
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)
Camp should be right there!
(ALL CHEERING)
Whoo-hoo
But we better follow
this path around because
Forget the path, kid,
camp's right there.
(YELLS) Juicy steaks,
here I come.
Oh, civilization, I missed you.
I wa going to say
because that's poison ivy.
(LAUGHS)
Oh, about time you showed up.
Had a good hike boys?
Yeah, once we got lost
and got rid of
all that high tech stuff.
We found the way back here
because of everything
you taught us, grandpa.
Oh, is that so?
Grandpa, can we stay
one more night and camp out
the old fashion way?
Oh, give me home
Where the buffalo roam
And the deer
and the antelope play ♪
This is more like it, Arnold.
Who wouldn't love camping
on a night like this?
Darn bugs!
Aah.
Poison Ivy.
Oh, sunburn.
Ouch. Ooh-ooh.
(BOB GROANS IN DISTANCE)
Home, home on the range ♪
(CLOSING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)