High School USA! (2013) s01e09 Episode Script
The Early 90s
1 - STRUCTOR: All right, gang.
- (Tapping on cellphones) I want to take you all the way back - to August 2nd, 1990 - (Phones chime) - Operation desert storm.
- Cool! Correct, Mr.
Blackstein.
This is interesting! Huh? Oh no.
I just figured out how to turn autocorrect off on my phone.
How how how?! I hate when my phone corrects my wrong spelling.
Guys, cell phones down! No way, Amber! - You're going to be tested on this! - Yeah way, Cassandra.
(Sighs) Okay, class, listen up.
We're gonna learn the fun way By going on a field trip! - Really? - Field trips are so hot.
- Where are we going, Mr.
Structor? - It's not "where," Marsh.
- It's "when.
" - Awesome! But I don't get it.
- I don't get it.
- We're taking a field trip way back into the early 1990s, when desert storm happened and cell phones didn't exist.
Now come on, everybody! Turn in those cell phones! Uh, you'll get my cell phone over my dead body.
Guys, you've become way too addicted to technology.
So what do you say? If you can make it through the weekend like you're living in the early '90s, you'll get an "a" on your desert storm test.
And if not, you fail life And the test.
You fail the test and life.
Whoop, there it is.
Well, I can't wait till I get old and my memories start to unfold about High School U.
S.
A.
These are the good old days my obituary will relay all my fun times here at High School U.
S.
A.
High School USA! 01x09 - the early 90s this is crazy! What do I do with my left hand while my right one is feeding me? It's just laying there.
Yeah, and food is so boring to look at.
It doesn't even have a section for boys to tell me how hot I am.
I know! I cannot believe we have to look into each other's eyes.
Wow! All of our eyes are different shades of color.
Wow, eyes are awesome! Oh, that's not even the half of it.
You can do all sorts of things with eyes.
Did you know you that you can blink them and roll them and wink them and close them and make them real wide or real squinty or Hey, how do you know so much about eyes? Yeah, you seem unusually confident on our little field trip to the early '90s.
Aren't worried about getting an "F"? Not this time.
I'm used to not using technology.
Being half black, half Jewish, I take part in a cool ancient ritual called Shabbat every other week.
- Neat.
What's Shabbat? - It's the Jewish day of rest when God doesn't want you to use electricity for 24 hours.
O-M-Jew! You are so boring.
Is this what it's like giving someone your full attention? This is the worst! All right, guys.
Mr.
Structor says I can't use my G.
P.
S.
or electric motor so I don't know where I'm going and I have to accelerate the entire time I'm getting there.
- Wish me luck.
- (Tires squeal) (Honking) Sorry! I'm in the early '90s! Tonight's Shabbat.
Do you guys want to come over and pray and sing songs and not turn on any lights? Can't.
My parents are going on a hot date, so I have to babysit Wally, plus that sounds horrible.
And I'm going to hang with Amber because if I'm alone with my own thoughts for 24 hours, I'll probably have a stroke.
MARSH: I'm already lost! (Marsh honks) Sorry! So what do you want to do? Um let's watch TV.
How are we supposed to watch TV if we can't go online? Ohhh, right.
- Ooh, how about we make out? - What's the point of making out if we can't record it with our phones and send it to guys to make them frustrated? Ohh, maybe we can use the camera on the land line! - Does it even have a camera? - Um, it's a phone, isn't it? - (Dial tone) - (Giggling) Hey, lesbos, I want to be babysat! - Get out of here, Wally.
- (Sighs) Now, what do you say we get back to the early '90s? - Hey, do you think this is recording? - (Rings) Uh hello.
(Menacing voice) Hi, Amber.
I see you.
Oh cool.
It is working.
This guy can see us! No! I'm spying on you through the window.
Wally, cut it out! You're being really creepy.
- This isn't Wally.
- Yeah right.
If you don't quit it, I'm gonna come up there and murder you.
Not if I murder you first, Amber.
I'm being serious, you little brat! You're never going to see your little brother again.
Then who am I looking at right now? (Both scream) - Now look behind you! - (Screaming) Muaha ha ha ha ha! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! AMBER: We've got to call the police.
Wait, what's the number for the police? Are you crazy?! I don't memorize people's numbers! (Loud banging) Maybe it's voice-activated.
Mr.
Phone, call the police! - Nothing's happening! - We need to get to a cell phone.
And fail Mr.
Structor's class? No way! Hey, these numbers have letters by them.
Maybe we just spell police? - Oh, you're a genius, Amber.
- I know! - How do you spell police? - (Bangs) Ugh, give me the phone, genius! P-o-l-l-I-c-e.
- (Line rings) - Oh my God, it's ringing! Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up! Slovee residence, Bradlyfurd speaking.
- Brad!? - Oh hey, Cassandra.
Did you know that your number spells out "police"? Sure do.
We're constantly getting calls from people who can't spell in emergency situations.
Sometimes I pretend to be a cop for a little while.
- (Bangs) - Brad, we need your help! There's a crazy guy calling on land lines and he killed Wally and he's trying to kill us! So get over here! Hurry! - (Revving) - (Screams) Quick, through the window! - AMBER: Ow.
- (Panting) - (Screams) - Hey, ladies.
Oh, thank God you're here, Brad.
Yeah.
We're so scared! It's okay, girls.
Everything's fine now that you're touching me.
- (Knocks on window) - (All scream) Run run! - (Electricity crackles) - Oh no, he must have cut the grid! And I don't know what that means, but I've seen it in a lot of films! - (Revving) - Ha ha ha.
Ahhh, the killer! - (Crashes) - Oh my God, he's been hit! ALL: Marsh! I drive around for hours trying to find my house, and now I've killed someone?! Boy, if I don't deserve an "A" on this test, - I don't know who does.
- Ugh, Marsh, you saved our lives.
Yeah, the person you hit was trying to kill us and he's probably wearing Wally's skin as a mask.
Please don't say that! If somebody killed Wally, my parents will kill me.
No time to talk, we need to take the body and dump it in the river.
We've got to cut off his hands and his head.
I'm keeping the hands.
Who wants the head? Look! He's gone! - We should call the police.
- We tried that.
- We don't know the number.
- Oh, why don't we ask that guy? - (Revs) - (Screams) - Go go go go go! - (Tires squeal) Ugh, it pains me to say it, but we need Blackstein! Yeah, he'll know the number.
That's right.
He's used to not using technology.
But how will we ever find his house without the G.
P.
S.
? Being his bully, I know exactly where he lives.
After he saves us though, we cut up the madman's body and dump him in the river.
You know I want those hands.
Oh hey, gang.
How's life in the past? Ow! Get out of the way.
We're being chased.
Blackstein, someone's trying to kill us.
You have to call the police.
- (Taps) - (Screams) - There he is! - Quick, make the call, Blackstein.
- You're the only one who knows the number.
- No can do.
I can't use the phone until Shabbat's over.
Can this wait until tomorrow? Around 5:00 or 6:00 P.
M.
? - (Chainsaw revs) - What time does the sun go down? Ugh, I could just punch you in the face for your crazy Jewish rules.
I'm sorry, Brad.
Jews can't get punched on Shabbat either.
- (Frustrated scream) - Wait, hold that thought, Brad.
I have an idea and it just might work.
Blackstein, tell us the number and we'll call.
- Great idea! - Okay, what is it? Okay, ready? 9 - 1 - (Revving) - 1.
- And then what? And then nothing.
That's it.
He's right, it's ringing! Bicycle Officer Dumphy.
Officer Dumphy, there's a murderer on the loose.
We're at Blackstein's house.
Please hurry.
Okay, I'll be right over.
In the meantime, - don't get killed now.
- Sure thing.
- (Screams) - Quick, in the closet! (Revs) This is it, gang.
We're goners.
I'm sorry I can't figure a way out of this mess like I usually do.
Hey, Brad, would you mind punching me just one last time? - Sure, Blackstein.
Of course I will.
- Ow! I can't believe I'm going to die a virgin! Amber, last week when you weren't looking, I totally popped your cherry.
Aww, you're the best bestie ever.
- Okay, this is it.
- (Chainsaw revving) (Gunshot) ALL: Officer Dumphy! Uh, you all heard me say "freeze," right? Ew, the murderer's so ugly! Well, that depends on your political convictions.
You see, that isn't his face.
- It's a mask.
- Of President Bush senior, our 41st president, who was responsible for Operation Desert Storm.
ALL: Mr.
Structor?! - (Siren wails) - DUMPHY: So, Mr.
Structor, explain to me again why you were trying to murder your students.
Officer, I was just trying to be a good teacher and help these kids learn that they don't have to be so reliant on modern technology.
Huh.
And you did this by breaking into your students homes, killing a deer, chasing the gang across town with a chainsaw, cutting power to a city grid, and bew bew bew.
Oh! Killing Amber's younger brother? I didn't kill Wally.
I simply chloroformed him and stuck him under the floor boards in your downstairs bathroom.
I kinda went off syllabus.
And it worked.
You all learned something: You found Blackstein without G.
P.
S.
and you used a land line to make a phone call.
- Oh yeah.
- Taught ya, "Space Jam" style.
Okay, he's all yours, boys.
Wait, Amber, you should get to Wally sooner than later.
Not a lot of oxygen in those floor boards.
Thanks, Mr.
Structor.
This is how we do it.
Ow, my aching bullet hole.
(Siren wails) STRUCTOR: Well, the iranian crisis in the late 1970s occurred when 52 Americans were held hostage for 444 days.
- Brad! - Huh? - Phone up, Brad.
- Ahh! - Okay, fine.
- Oh yeah, that's better.
You see, a group of Islamic students overtook the American Sync & corr by blue150683
- (Tapping on cellphones) I want to take you all the way back - to August 2nd, 1990 - (Phones chime) - Operation desert storm.
- Cool! Correct, Mr.
Blackstein.
This is interesting! Huh? Oh no.
I just figured out how to turn autocorrect off on my phone.
How how how?! I hate when my phone corrects my wrong spelling.
Guys, cell phones down! No way, Amber! - You're going to be tested on this! - Yeah way, Cassandra.
(Sighs) Okay, class, listen up.
We're gonna learn the fun way By going on a field trip! - Really? - Field trips are so hot.
- Where are we going, Mr.
Structor? - It's not "where," Marsh.
- It's "when.
" - Awesome! But I don't get it.
- I don't get it.
- We're taking a field trip way back into the early 1990s, when desert storm happened and cell phones didn't exist.
Now come on, everybody! Turn in those cell phones! Uh, you'll get my cell phone over my dead body.
Guys, you've become way too addicted to technology.
So what do you say? If you can make it through the weekend like you're living in the early '90s, you'll get an "a" on your desert storm test.
And if not, you fail life And the test.
You fail the test and life.
Whoop, there it is.
Well, I can't wait till I get old and my memories start to unfold about High School U.
S.
A.
These are the good old days my obituary will relay all my fun times here at High School U.
S.
A.
High School USA! 01x09 - the early 90s this is crazy! What do I do with my left hand while my right one is feeding me? It's just laying there.
Yeah, and food is so boring to look at.
It doesn't even have a section for boys to tell me how hot I am.
I know! I cannot believe we have to look into each other's eyes.
Wow! All of our eyes are different shades of color.
Wow, eyes are awesome! Oh, that's not even the half of it.
You can do all sorts of things with eyes.
Did you know you that you can blink them and roll them and wink them and close them and make them real wide or real squinty or Hey, how do you know so much about eyes? Yeah, you seem unusually confident on our little field trip to the early '90s.
Aren't worried about getting an "F"? Not this time.
I'm used to not using technology.
Being half black, half Jewish, I take part in a cool ancient ritual called Shabbat every other week.
- Neat.
What's Shabbat? - It's the Jewish day of rest when God doesn't want you to use electricity for 24 hours.
O-M-Jew! You are so boring.
Is this what it's like giving someone your full attention? This is the worst! All right, guys.
Mr.
Structor says I can't use my G.
P.
S.
or electric motor so I don't know where I'm going and I have to accelerate the entire time I'm getting there.
- Wish me luck.
- (Tires squeal) (Honking) Sorry! I'm in the early '90s! Tonight's Shabbat.
Do you guys want to come over and pray and sing songs and not turn on any lights? Can't.
My parents are going on a hot date, so I have to babysit Wally, plus that sounds horrible.
And I'm going to hang with Amber because if I'm alone with my own thoughts for 24 hours, I'll probably have a stroke.
MARSH: I'm already lost! (Marsh honks) Sorry! So what do you want to do? Um let's watch TV.
How are we supposed to watch TV if we can't go online? Ohhh, right.
- Ooh, how about we make out? - What's the point of making out if we can't record it with our phones and send it to guys to make them frustrated? Ohh, maybe we can use the camera on the land line! - Does it even have a camera? - Um, it's a phone, isn't it? - (Dial tone) - (Giggling) Hey, lesbos, I want to be babysat! - Get out of here, Wally.
- (Sighs) Now, what do you say we get back to the early '90s? - Hey, do you think this is recording? - (Rings) Uh hello.
(Menacing voice) Hi, Amber.
I see you.
Oh cool.
It is working.
This guy can see us! No! I'm spying on you through the window.
Wally, cut it out! You're being really creepy.
- This isn't Wally.
- Yeah right.
If you don't quit it, I'm gonna come up there and murder you.
Not if I murder you first, Amber.
I'm being serious, you little brat! You're never going to see your little brother again.
Then who am I looking at right now? (Both scream) - Now look behind you! - (Screaming) Muaha ha ha ha ha! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! AMBER: We've got to call the police.
Wait, what's the number for the police? Are you crazy?! I don't memorize people's numbers! (Loud banging) Maybe it's voice-activated.
Mr.
Phone, call the police! - Nothing's happening! - We need to get to a cell phone.
And fail Mr.
Structor's class? No way! Hey, these numbers have letters by them.
Maybe we just spell police? - Oh, you're a genius, Amber.
- I know! - How do you spell police? - (Bangs) Ugh, give me the phone, genius! P-o-l-l-I-c-e.
- (Line rings) - Oh my God, it's ringing! Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up! Slovee residence, Bradlyfurd speaking.
- Brad!? - Oh hey, Cassandra.
Did you know that your number spells out "police"? Sure do.
We're constantly getting calls from people who can't spell in emergency situations.
Sometimes I pretend to be a cop for a little while.
- (Bangs) - Brad, we need your help! There's a crazy guy calling on land lines and he killed Wally and he's trying to kill us! So get over here! Hurry! - (Revving) - (Screams) Quick, through the window! - AMBER: Ow.
- (Panting) - (Screams) - Hey, ladies.
Oh, thank God you're here, Brad.
Yeah.
We're so scared! It's okay, girls.
Everything's fine now that you're touching me.
- (Knocks on window) - (All scream) Run run! - (Electricity crackles) - Oh no, he must have cut the grid! And I don't know what that means, but I've seen it in a lot of films! - (Revving) - Ha ha ha.
Ahhh, the killer! - (Crashes) - Oh my God, he's been hit! ALL: Marsh! I drive around for hours trying to find my house, and now I've killed someone?! Boy, if I don't deserve an "A" on this test, - I don't know who does.
- Ugh, Marsh, you saved our lives.
Yeah, the person you hit was trying to kill us and he's probably wearing Wally's skin as a mask.
Please don't say that! If somebody killed Wally, my parents will kill me.
No time to talk, we need to take the body and dump it in the river.
We've got to cut off his hands and his head.
I'm keeping the hands.
Who wants the head? Look! He's gone! - We should call the police.
- We tried that.
- We don't know the number.
- Oh, why don't we ask that guy? - (Revs) - (Screams) - Go go go go go! - (Tires squeal) Ugh, it pains me to say it, but we need Blackstein! Yeah, he'll know the number.
That's right.
He's used to not using technology.
But how will we ever find his house without the G.
P.
S.
? Being his bully, I know exactly where he lives.
After he saves us though, we cut up the madman's body and dump him in the river.
You know I want those hands.
Oh hey, gang.
How's life in the past? Ow! Get out of the way.
We're being chased.
Blackstein, someone's trying to kill us.
You have to call the police.
- (Taps) - (Screams) - There he is! - Quick, make the call, Blackstein.
- You're the only one who knows the number.
- No can do.
I can't use the phone until Shabbat's over.
Can this wait until tomorrow? Around 5:00 or 6:00 P.
M.
? - (Chainsaw revs) - What time does the sun go down? Ugh, I could just punch you in the face for your crazy Jewish rules.
I'm sorry, Brad.
Jews can't get punched on Shabbat either.
- (Frustrated scream) - Wait, hold that thought, Brad.
I have an idea and it just might work.
Blackstein, tell us the number and we'll call.
- Great idea! - Okay, what is it? Okay, ready? 9 - 1 - (Revving) - 1.
- And then what? And then nothing.
That's it.
He's right, it's ringing! Bicycle Officer Dumphy.
Officer Dumphy, there's a murderer on the loose.
We're at Blackstein's house.
Please hurry.
Okay, I'll be right over.
In the meantime, - don't get killed now.
- Sure thing.
- (Screams) - Quick, in the closet! (Revs) This is it, gang.
We're goners.
I'm sorry I can't figure a way out of this mess like I usually do.
Hey, Brad, would you mind punching me just one last time? - Sure, Blackstein.
Of course I will.
- Ow! I can't believe I'm going to die a virgin! Amber, last week when you weren't looking, I totally popped your cherry.
Aww, you're the best bestie ever.
- Okay, this is it.
- (Chainsaw revving) (Gunshot) ALL: Officer Dumphy! Uh, you all heard me say "freeze," right? Ew, the murderer's so ugly! Well, that depends on your political convictions.
You see, that isn't his face.
- It's a mask.
- Of President Bush senior, our 41st president, who was responsible for Operation Desert Storm.
ALL: Mr.
Structor?! - (Siren wails) - DUMPHY: So, Mr.
Structor, explain to me again why you were trying to murder your students.
Officer, I was just trying to be a good teacher and help these kids learn that they don't have to be so reliant on modern technology.
Huh.
And you did this by breaking into your students homes, killing a deer, chasing the gang across town with a chainsaw, cutting power to a city grid, and bew bew bew.
Oh! Killing Amber's younger brother? I didn't kill Wally.
I simply chloroformed him and stuck him under the floor boards in your downstairs bathroom.
I kinda went off syllabus.
And it worked.
You all learned something: You found Blackstein without G.
P.
S.
and you used a land line to make a phone call.
- Oh yeah.
- Taught ya, "Space Jam" style.
Okay, he's all yours, boys.
Wait, Amber, you should get to Wally sooner than later.
Not a lot of oxygen in those floor boards.
Thanks, Mr.
Structor.
This is how we do it.
Ow, my aching bullet hole.
(Siren wails) STRUCTOR: Well, the iranian crisis in the late 1970s occurred when 52 Americans were held hostage for 444 days.
- Brad! - Huh? - Phone up, Brad.
- Ahh! - Okay, fine.
- Oh yeah, that's better.
You see, a group of Islamic students overtook the American Sync & corr by blue150683