Home Movie: The Princess Bride (2020) s01e09 Episode Script
Chapter Nine: Have Fun Storming the Castle!
1
MAN: And shaking, a little subtle.
And lighting.
Nice little shaking.
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
What? What?
Are you the Miracle Max that
worked for the King all those years?
The King's stinkin' son fired me.
And thank you so much for
bringing up such a painful subject.
While you're at it, why
don't you give me a paper cut
and pour lemon juice on it?
We're closed!
Beat it or I'll call the Brute Squad.
We need a miracle. It's very important.
Look, I'm retired.
And besides, why would you want
someone the King's stinkin' son fired?
I might kill whoever
you wanted me to miracle.
He's already dead.
He is, eh? I'll take
a look. Bring him in.
I've seen worse.
- Sir
- Don't rush me, sonny.
You rush a miracle man,
you get rotten miracles.
- You got money?
- Sixty-five.
Eeesh! I never work for so little.
Except once, and that
was a very noble cause.
This is noble, sir.
His wife is crippled.
His children are on
the brink of starvation.
Are you a rotten liar.
I need him to help avenge my father,
murdered these 20 years.
Your first story was better.
Where's that bellows?
He probably owes you money, huh?
Well, I'll ask him.
He's dead. He can't talk.
Ooh, look who knows so much, huh?
Well, it just so happens that
your friend here is mostly dead.
There's a big difference
between mostly dead and all dead.
With all dead, there's only
one thing left you can do.
What's that?
Go through his clothes
and look for loose change.
Hey!
Hello in there!
Hey, what's so important?
What you got here
that's worth living for?
True love
True love, you heard him.
You could not ask for a
more noble cause than that.
Sonny, true love is the
greatest thing in the world.
Except for a nice MLT,
a mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich,
when the mutton is nice and lean
and the tomato is ripe?
[SMACKS LIPS] They're
so perky, I love that.
But that's not what he said.
He distinctly said "to blave."
And, as we all know, "to
blave" means "to bluff." Eh?
So you're probably playing
cards, and he cheated.
Liar! Liar!
- Liar!
- Get back, witch.
I'm not a witch, I'm your wife.
But after what you just said,
I don't know if I even
want to be that anymore.
You never had it so good.
True love, Max. He said
"true love," my God.
Don't say another word, Valerie!
Ever since Prince Humperdinck fired
him, his confidence is shattered.
You promised me you
would never say that name.
- What, Humperdinck?
- No!
Humperdinck? Humperdinck,
Humperdinck, Humperdinck
I'm not listening!
True love is expiring and you
don't even have the decency
to say why you won't help!
Nobody's hearin' nothin'!
- Humperdinck, Humperdinck
- INIGO: This is Buttercup's true love.
If you heal him, he will
stop Humperdinck's wedding.
I make him better, Humperdinck suffers?
Humiliations galore!
That is a noble cause.
Give me the 65. I'm on the job.
[MYSTICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
That's a miracle pill?
The chocolate coating
makes it go down easier.
But you have to wait 15
minutes for full potency.
And you shouldn't go
swimming for at least, what?
- An hour.
- Yeah, an hour, at least an hour.
Thank you for everything.
Bye-bye, boys!
Have fun storming the castle!
- Think it'll work?
- It'll take a miracle.
Bye-bye!
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
Inigo, there's more than 30.
What's the difference? We've got him.
Help me here.
- We have to force feed him.
- Has it been 15 minutes?
We can't wait. The
wedding's in half an hour.
We have to strike in the hustle
and the bustle beforehand.
Tilt his head back.
Open his mouth.
How long do we have to wait before
we know if the miracle works?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I'll beat you both apart. I'll
take you both together. I
I guess not very long.
Why won't my arms move?
You've been mostly dead all day.
We had Miracle Max make
a pill to bring you back.
Who are you? Who are you?
Where am I? What
Why am I on this wall? Are we enemies?
What's going on? Where's Buttercup?
Let me explain.
No, there is too much. Let me sum up.
Buttercup is marrying Humperdinck
in a little less than half an hour,
so all we have to do is
get in, steal the Princess,
break up the wedding,
and make our escape.
After I kill Count Rugen.
That doesn't leave much time
for the old dilly-dallying.
You just wiggled your finger.
That's wonderful.
Actually, mate, I've always
been a very quick healer.
What are our liabilities?
There is but one working castle gate.
Come on.
[SIGHS]
Guarded by 60 men.
And our assets?
Your brains, Fezzik's strength,
my steel.
That's it?
Impossible.
If I had like a month to plan,
maybe I could come up
with something. But this
Mm-mm. Nope.
You just shook your head.
That doesn't make you happy?
With my brains, his steel, your strength
against 60 men
and you think a little head jiggle
is supposed to make me happy?
Hmm?
Jeepers. If only
we had a wheelbarrow,
that would be something!
Where did we put that
wheelbarrow the Albino had?
It's over the Albino, I think.
Well, why didn't you list that
amongst our assets in the first place?
[SIGHS]
What I wouldn't give
for a holocaust cloak.
There we cannot help you.
Will this work?
Where did you get that?
At Miracle Max.
It fit so nice, he said I could keep it.
All right, help me up.
[GROANING] Crikey!
Now, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.
Guys, guys, look at me, guys.
Guys, guys, I'm gonna
need a sword eventually.
Why, you can't even lift one.
True, but that's hardly
common knowledge, is it?
♪
Thank you.
You don't seem excited,
my little muffin.
Should I be?
Brides often are, I'm told.
I do not marry tonight.
My Westley will save me.
[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS]
♪
Marriage.
Marriage
is what brings us together today.
Marriage
that blessed arrangement
that dream within the dream
SOLDIER: Stand your ground, men.
Stand your ground!
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
I am the Dread Pirate Roberts!
My men are here,
I am here.
But soon
you will not be here.
The Dread Pirate Roberts
takes no survivors.
All your worst nightmares
are about to come true!
Love true love
will follow you forever.
[SNAPS FINGERS]
Here comes my Westley now.
Your Westley is dead.
I killed him myself.
Then why is there fear behind your eyes?
The Dread Pirate Roberts
is here for your soul!
And do you, Princess Buttercup
Man and wife, say "man and wife"!
Man and wife.
Escort the bride to the honeymoon suite.
He didn't come.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[GROANS]
MAN: And shaking, a little subtle.
And lighting.
Nice little shaking.
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
What? What?
Are you the Miracle Max that
worked for the King all those years?
The King's stinkin' son fired me.
And thank you so much for
bringing up such a painful subject.
While you're at it, why
don't you give me a paper cut
and pour lemon juice on it?
We're closed!
Beat it or I'll call the Brute Squad.
We need a miracle. It's very important.
Look, I'm retired.
And besides, why would you want
someone the King's stinkin' son fired?
I might kill whoever
you wanted me to miracle.
He's already dead.
He is, eh? I'll take
a look. Bring him in.
I've seen worse.
- Sir
- Don't rush me, sonny.
You rush a miracle man,
you get rotten miracles.
- You got money?
- Sixty-five.
Eeesh! I never work for so little.
Except once, and that
was a very noble cause.
This is noble, sir.
His wife is crippled.
His children are on
the brink of starvation.
Are you a rotten liar.
I need him to help avenge my father,
murdered these 20 years.
Your first story was better.
Where's that bellows?
He probably owes you money, huh?
Well, I'll ask him.
He's dead. He can't talk.
Ooh, look who knows so much, huh?
Well, it just so happens that
your friend here is mostly dead.
There's a big difference
between mostly dead and all dead.
With all dead, there's only
one thing left you can do.
What's that?
Go through his clothes
and look for loose change.
Hey!
Hello in there!
Hey, what's so important?
What you got here
that's worth living for?
True love
True love, you heard him.
You could not ask for a
more noble cause than that.
Sonny, true love is the
greatest thing in the world.
Except for a nice MLT,
a mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich,
when the mutton is nice and lean
and the tomato is ripe?
[SMACKS LIPS] They're
so perky, I love that.
But that's not what he said.
He distinctly said "to blave."
And, as we all know, "to
blave" means "to bluff." Eh?
So you're probably playing
cards, and he cheated.
Liar! Liar!
- Liar!
- Get back, witch.
I'm not a witch, I'm your wife.
But after what you just said,
I don't know if I even
want to be that anymore.
You never had it so good.
True love, Max. He said
"true love," my God.
Don't say another word, Valerie!
Ever since Prince Humperdinck fired
him, his confidence is shattered.
You promised me you
would never say that name.
- What, Humperdinck?
- No!
Humperdinck? Humperdinck,
Humperdinck, Humperdinck
I'm not listening!
True love is expiring and you
don't even have the decency
to say why you won't help!
Nobody's hearin' nothin'!
- Humperdinck, Humperdinck
- INIGO: This is Buttercup's true love.
If you heal him, he will
stop Humperdinck's wedding.
I make him better, Humperdinck suffers?
Humiliations galore!
That is a noble cause.
Give me the 65. I'm on the job.
[MYSTICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
That's a miracle pill?
The chocolate coating
makes it go down easier.
But you have to wait 15
minutes for full potency.
And you shouldn't go
swimming for at least, what?
- An hour.
- Yeah, an hour, at least an hour.
Thank you for everything.
Bye-bye, boys!
Have fun storming the castle!
- Think it'll work?
- It'll take a miracle.
Bye-bye!
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
Inigo, there's more than 30.
What's the difference? We've got him.
Help me here.
- We have to force feed him.
- Has it been 15 minutes?
We can't wait. The
wedding's in half an hour.
We have to strike in the hustle
and the bustle beforehand.
Tilt his head back.
Open his mouth.
How long do we have to wait before
we know if the miracle works?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I'll beat you both apart. I'll
take you both together. I
I guess not very long.
Why won't my arms move?
You've been mostly dead all day.
We had Miracle Max make
a pill to bring you back.
Who are you? Who are you?
Where am I? What
Why am I on this wall? Are we enemies?
What's going on? Where's Buttercup?
Let me explain.
No, there is too much. Let me sum up.
Buttercup is marrying Humperdinck
in a little less than half an hour,
so all we have to do is
get in, steal the Princess,
break up the wedding,
and make our escape.
After I kill Count Rugen.
That doesn't leave much time
for the old dilly-dallying.
You just wiggled your finger.
That's wonderful.
Actually, mate, I've always
been a very quick healer.
What are our liabilities?
There is but one working castle gate.
Come on.
[SIGHS]
Guarded by 60 men.
And our assets?
Your brains, Fezzik's strength,
my steel.
That's it?
Impossible.
If I had like a month to plan,
maybe I could come up
with something. But this
Mm-mm. Nope.
You just shook your head.
That doesn't make you happy?
With my brains, his steel, your strength
against 60 men
and you think a little head jiggle
is supposed to make me happy?
Hmm?
Jeepers. If only
we had a wheelbarrow,
that would be something!
Where did we put that
wheelbarrow the Albino had?
It's over the Albino, I think.
Well, why didn't you list that
amongst our assets in the first place?
[SIGHS]
What I wouldn't give
for a holocaust cloak.
There we cannot help you.
Will this work?
Where did you get that?
At Miracle Max.
It fit so nice, he said I could keep it.
All right, help me up.
[GROANING] Crikey!
Now, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.
Guys, guys, look at me, guys.
Guys, guys, I'm gonna
need a sword eventually.
Why, you can't even lift one.
True, but that's hardly
common knowledge, is it?
♪
Thank you.
You don't seem excited,
my little muffin.
Should I be?
Brides often are, I'm told.
I do not marry tonight.
My Westley will save me.
[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS]
♪
Marriage.
Marriage
is what brings us together today.
Marriage
that blessed arrangement
that dream within the dream
SOLDIER: Stand your ground, men.
Stand your ground!
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
I am the Dread Pirate Roberts!
My men are here,
I am here.
But soon
you will not be here.
The Dread Pirate Roberts
takes no survivors.
All your worst nightmares
are about to come true!
Love true love
will follow you forever.
[SNAPS FINGERS]
Here comes my Westley now.
Your Westley is dead.
I killed him myself.
Then why is there fear behind your eyes?
The Dread Pirate Roberts
is here for your soul!
And do you, Princess Buttercup
Man and wife, say "man and wife"!
Man and wife.
Escort the bride to the honeymoon suite.
He didn't come.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[GROANS]