Housebroken (2021) s01e09 Episode Script

What's your game here, dude?
You're a garbage thief
who only cares about himself,
but now suddenly you're helping?
The poodle and I have an arrangement.
I lend her the use
of my 10 little magic wands,
and she doesn't lead her
no hair bear to the shed
where I stay when it rains.
You're done.
Next.
- Um, what is this?
- Honey's new rain protocol.
- Can't have paw prints on the carpet.
- No.
The blow dryer
is an aggressive tool
humans use to force animals to
conform to their standards
and I resent Honey
for imposing it on us.
- Next.
- Wow. It is really coming
Ah!
Armando,
what are you doing here?
I told you that a passionate affair
between a swashbuckling coyote
and voluptuous super canine
- can only end in heartbreak.
- I'm willing to take that chance.
- Oh! I forgot you had jet paws.
- I do. I do have jet paws.
Honey, Jill is on a rampage.
Come quick!
I may have overstated it,
but that's only because
my credibility is shot.
Where is it?
Oh! A-ha!
This dangerous storm
is developing rapidly.
Check back in later.
Hey, what do you think
is going on?
Uh
Oh, no.
These are all the thoughtless
gifts her mom has given her.
- That means
- Grandma's coming to town!
- Oh, yes!
- But Chief, how can you be excited?
Spending time with Nancy puts Jill
in a very fragile emotional state.
Not to mention the fact that Nancy
hates me, which is just beyond.
Is Uncle Nathan coming too?
He's not your uncle.
Okay, Jill, don't let her
snuff out your light.
Hi, Mom.
How was the trip?
So you're not gonna say hello
to your brother?
He's not really uh
- Hi, Nathan.
- Hello, Chiefy.
- Euch.
- Euch.
Did you get my compression socks?
Well, you just asked for them
30 minutes ago.
Either take me to Kohl's now
or take me to the emergency room later.
- But
- Storm. Storm. Storm. Storm.
The storm
Okay.
Bye, Lover Bird. Bye, Chiefy.
- Hello, Honey.
- Nathan.
- You're looking well.
- What about me, Uncle Nathan?
- How do I look? Big and strong?
- Oh, yes. Very strong.
Say, Sport, why don't you use
that strength
- to let Uncle Nathan out of his cage?
- Don't fall for it, Chief.
Remember what happened last time.
- Let him perch!
- I'm trying!
Even if I had hands,
I wouldn't let you out of that cage.
- Did somebody say
- We're good, Raccoon.
Oh, pardon me.
Am I too close?
If you climbed through
my empty eye socket,
and nestled into my skull,
you still wouldn't be too close.
- Ah!
- Guys, why are you acting like the people
in Kevin's nighttime videos?
- Is something going on with you two?
- What? No, this is just roomy talk.
Guys, you won't believe what I just saw.
I've okay. I'm dry.
I'll be in the shed.
- Mm-hmm.
- There was a coyote
standing on top of the rock
near the backyard.
- Armando?
- Who's Armando?
Oh. What? Armando?
- You said that, I think.
- No. I said coyote.
Well, how'd he look, sad?
Muscley? Why do I care?
I don't. Let's begin.
Jill's mother, Nancy,
came to town unexpectedly.
So, uh, we have a guest today.
- This is Nathan. He's
- Honey's uncle.
No, he's Jill's mother's pet
and he won't be interfering at all.
Not a peep.
So who wants to start?
No one wants to share?
This is a first.
If everyone is feeling shy,
I'd like to discuss
why the elderly cat
and the one-eyed cat lied
to the husky cat.
- That's a peep.
- They're obviously more than friends.
Actually, no. I just asked.
They're roommates
who are a little bit flirty.
It's all inbounds.
Since we're talking romance,
sexual pivot,
Darla, Lindsay, and I
are now a throuple.
It is the stuff
that the most romantic
and perverse fairy tales are made of.
Ooh. Shel, uh I've asked
you to dull down your visuals.
Trust me, that was dulled.
Oh, you can't blame him, Honey.
Delusions are often more vivid
than real memories.
How dare you?
The memories of our pound rounds
are as real as this table.
Nathan, I won't warn you again.
Aw, sweet, fragile Elsa.
I used to be scared of storms too,
but therapy has totally calmed me.
And it's all thanks to you, Dr. Honey.
Wow, Diablo, thank you.
God. Did everyone hear that?
I heard a therapist blinded
by cheap praise.
- Yeah. I hate this guy.
- I'm not a fan either.
- Agree.
- Same.
Ugh. You're all beyond help
and only a fool would
waste their time trying.
- Luckily, you found one.
- All right, enough, Nathan.
You have disrupted this group
for the last time.
Honey, I think I broke my eyes!
No, Chief.
The power went out.
- Okay. Is everyone all right?
- I'm fine. Not scared at all.
I thought it was kind of exciting.
And the good news is,
now Nathan's gone.
Oh, no. Where is he?
Well, it looks like his cage
was knocked over.
The little door is open.
He must have flown away.
Well, there sure are a lot
of feathers on the ground.
- Oh, my God.
- Hmm. All these clues tell me
that your Uncle Nathan
didn't fly away.
- Not my uncle.
- He was eaten!
Ah-ah, oh!
Chief, wake up.
I had the worst dream.
You were there,
and you were there,
and you were there,
- and Uncle Nathan was
- Eaten? That was real, toots.
I'm an orphan!
This might be a dumb question,
but if Nathan was eaten,
doesn't that mean
someone here ate him?
Tchotchke, where did you find
Jill's Casio Mini?
Well, well, well.
Well, well, well,
well, well, well, well.
Looks like we've got
a murder mystery on our paws.
Yes, we do.
Well, well, well
- I just did that.
- Sorry. What I was getting to was
we do know that someone
in this room has killed before.
Yes, I have experienced
the joy of killing,
but only in self-defense.
Okay, then, why don't you tell us
where you were
when the lights went out?
Shel, do you want to
tell them or should I?
Oh, go ahead.
I was hiding in a clog
when I felt it move.
I thought maybe it was the thunder,
but when I peeked out, I saw
Ah! Oh.
Oh, I thought everything was
going great with Darla and Lindsay.
I only said that
to not shatter your image of me
as a sex-sual dynamo.
The truth is
It was like I wasn't even there.
A throuple fail of epic proportions.
So yes, I was with Bethany
while the lights were out.
Bethany?
Oh, the clog.
I just needed to feel wanted again.
Well, I guess that clears
Shel and Nibbles of this crime.
Yes. And now I'd like
to pose a question.
Which animal is known to be
the number one killer of birds?
- Man.
- Cats!
I'd like to hear alibis
from the felines in the room.
Well, I
I was
- Oh, God.
- Okay.
Oh, oh, icky.
Okay, you're cleaning that up.
Wait. You're gray,
but that hairball is white.
I guess the jig is
how do you say? Up.
I was with The Gray One
locked in fiery grooming.
- Yeah, we were.
- You guys are together? Aww.
I'm sorry to interrupt,
but can we move this?
If I smell vomit, it makes me
- Diablo, are you back on medication?
- Yes.
You've been so over the moon
about my progress,
I didn't have the heart to tell you
it's because of the medicine.
Well, one doesn't work
without the other.
Is anyone in this
group telling the truth?
I am. I'm an open book.
- No secrets, nothing to hide.
- You do have one secret.
He's actually a very nice guy
and a wonderful friend.
I was in over my head
and Max came to my rescue.
I didn't do it to be a nice guy.
I did it because I was sick of
hearing you drone on about Lindsay.
I thought it would finally shut you up.
Well, you obviously
don't know me at all!
Oh, no!
Jill is five blocks out!
- And about to get her period!
- Oh, no. Everyone out!
The flap won't flap.
Well, we all live here now.
It's stuck.
- We're trapped!
- Four blocks.
Trapped? Oh, no, no, no.
This is a nightmare.
- I'm having a great time.
- Not only has Nathan
- Uncle Nathan.
- Disappeared
- Been eaten.
- But when Jill gets home
This group is gonna be canceled
faster than an Armie Hammer
dinner party.
- Three blocks!
- Raccoon, help!
Ba-da-ba-da,
ra-ba-da-ba-da-ba,
- bum-bum-bong.
- She's in the driveway!
And of course,
you forgot to lock the door.
Hide.
Hello, Chiefy.
Did you have fun
with your Uncle Natha
Ahh!
Nathan!
Oh, not my Nathan.
It's okay, Mom.
Maybe the storm scared Chief
- and he knocked into the table.
- Yeah. She gets me.
I'm sure Nathan's
in the house somewhere.
- We'll find him.
- Uch.
Chief, you stay with Nancy.
I'll go with Jill.
Nathan.
Where are you, Nathan?
- Ooh, that was
- Lover!
- Uh-oh.
- Where are you?
Uh! Oh.
- Nathan, come to your mommy bird.
- Nathan.
Nathan.
Chico.
- I'm here, but I'm not talking to you.
- Oh, come on.
Don't be mad at me
for being happy with Tabitha.
If that's why you think I'm mad,
then you're even dumber
than you must think I am.
I understand why you didn't
say anything
about you and The Gray One.
- You are totally out of his league.
- It is not an issue of leagues.
I feel so bad for lying to Honey.
I just wanted her to think
I was making progress
so she didn't give up on me.
Honey's never given up
on any of us.
Aw, thanks, Nibbles.
Should we kiss?
- I mean, I wasn't feeling that, but
- Me neither.
I'm not mad at you
for being with Tabitha.
I'm hurt because best friends
tell each other everything,
so I must not be your best friend.
Ah. Of course, you are.
Look, I'm sorry I didn't tell you.
I promise to be mostly, totally
- honest with you from now on.
- Thank you.
I hope Tabitha makes you
as happy as Kevin makes me.
I'm not sure
I'm ever getting out of here.
I thought burying Lindsay,
the proverbial "ho"
meant you and I were becoming bros.
And I don't like the misogyny
in that term,
but the rhyme
is too delicious to pass up.
But evidently, I was wrong.
Wrong like Donkey Kong.
All right! I'm sorry!
I'm sorry for what I said.
- I want to be your bro.
- Do you mean it?
You're not just saying that
- to get me to shut my trap.
- Of course, I am.
We have fun.
Well, aren't you
a tall drink of water?
Come on, man,
keep it in your shell.
I wanted to make sure
The Gray One really like me
before everyone find out.
Can't handle
another public rejection.
He'd have to be crazy to reject you.
You're a super fluff, pretty cat.
Thank you, Elsa.
You are short leg, eager face.
- Uch, I'm so cold.
- There, there, Mom.
Should have been you.
Detach with love, detach with love.
I'll build a fire.
Oh, I think this wood got
a little a little damp.
This is why
you didn't get on "Survivor."
You know what, Mom?
Why don't you go to bed?
Yeah, I'll keep looking for Nathan.
The mean pig and the
sexy turtle are in the bedroom.
- Go.
- Let me get you an extra blanket.
- Dee-dee-doo-dah.
- Ugh.
- What is that supposed to be?
- I don't know.
He's never done that before.
Dee-dee-dee dah.
- Is everyone okay?
- Yes, but no.
I have to get home.
My dad's probably worried sick.
Oh, I can't even think about
how worried Kevin would be
if he was in town.
How am I gonna get you
animals out of here?
- Raccoon.
- Oh, hey.
Did you know that there was
a branch in front of the door?
Little late. Everyone go.
Wait. We still have a mystery to solve.
Or has everyone forgotten we have
a vicious killer in our midst?
What?!
Oh, right. Sorry.
Someone here is responsible
for the murder
- of Honey's favorite uncle.
- Not my uncle.
And we're not gonna solve
this mystery tonight.
Everyone has alibis,
and I think we should just let it go.
Not everyone.
There's one animal
who hasn't accounted for
their whereabouts
- while the lights were out.
- You.
Tchotchke, enough.
While Tabitha and I were cementing
our lifelong bond,
I noticed muddy paw prints
coming from the door
and going into the living room.
We were all thoroughly cleaned
when we entered.
And Raccoon buffed your nails
before he left.
Then I thought back to the moments
before the lights went out.
You've interrupted for the last time.
And that's when I figured out
the only thing
that could have happened.
Really? That's the only thing
that could have happened?
I would bet my vest that
if you showed us your paw,
- there would be mud on it.
- That's ridiculous.
I would never kill Nathan.
And there's no such thing
as a Were-Poodle.
Okay. Then lift your paw.
Show us your paw
and this will all be over.
Okay. Okay. Okay. Yes.
Fine. Yes.
I did go outside,
but I did not kill Nathan.
- Then what were you doing?
- Um
Why did you go outside, Honey?
Okay. Fine. Yes, I did it.
I did it.
I I killed Nathan and and I
buried him in the backyard.
I hated how he was treating
all of you.
And also because birds
as a species are disgusting.
- I smell roast chicken.
- The first stage of grief.
Yeah, well, mystery solved.
Everyone have a great night.
Drive safe.
That horrible bird is dead.
Is that any way
to talk about family?
Nathan.
- Surprised to see me?
- Uncle Nathan is so badass.
We thought Honey ate you.
You only thought that because
that's I wanted you to think.
But I'll tell you
what really happened
when the lights went out.
I stuck my claws through the
bars and unlocked the door.
And then I liberally sprinkled the floor
with my own feathers.
Once I took flight,
I got a me-eyed view of
your sad little lives.
Oh, yeah. That's it. Oh.
And then up the chimney, I flew.
I just never anticipated Jill
successfully starting a fire.
I mean, we all saw
her "Survivor" audition.
- Nathan, why would you do this?
- One word. Freedom.
When we come here,
I am banished to that
horrible cage, like an animal.
I overheard Nancy saying
that I would have to live here
once she's gone.
I can't have that.
So I decided to turn Nancy on Jill
by using the one thing Jill
loves more than anything else.
- You.
- Me?
Oof, that was way more than one word.
If you can open the cage
whenever you want,
why did you ask me to do it?
To almost pull off
genius schemes like this.
But at least I destroyed
your little group.
- You didn't destroy group.
- Not even close.
But all you do is lie
to each other.
Honey's a fraud and she's not
qualified to help any of you.
That might be true,
but she also cares about us.
Gah. Pathetic.
You can have each other.
Ow.
Nathan. Oh, my poor angel.
You're naked.
Muah! Muah!
You all should go home now.
- Your humans must be going crazy.
- Brava, Honey.
- Let's go, move it.
- Well, that was some session.
Honey, this is hard for me to say,
but I forgive you
for eating Uncle Nathan.
- I have a question for you.
- Raccoon.
Why would you confess
to a murder you didn't commit?
Um, well, I was just um
I don't know
what you're talking about.
Yeah. I was kind of thinking
it might have something to do
with that hot-ass coyote
you've been eye-boinking.
But if you don't wanna
talk about it, that's cool.
Man, sure, it would be a shame
if your fancy friends
found out about him.
Or if Chief did.
- You wouldn't.
- I mean, I am a scumbag, so
Fine. I'll tell you
what really happened.
Armando, I thought
you'd been struck by
Whoa!
Is that a six-pack?
You shouldn't be out here, Honey.
It's too dangerous.
Your chest is like, wow.
I just wanted to make sure
you were okay.
- Now get back inside.
- But
Go.
Now you know everything.
Please don't tell anyone.
Your secret is safe with me.
If you let me keep the apartment
- year-round.
- You got yourself a deal.
Pleasure doing business with you.
- Nailed it.
- Ow.
Easy there, little fella.
It's okay.
Hold on.
I've got something for you.
You like to party?