How to Be a Gentleman (2011) s01e09 Episode Script

Hey.
You're up late.
Hey.
Ooh, who are your friends? Uh, those are models.
It's for work.
Uh, some genius magazine writer suggested doing an issue on the hundred hottest models.
That was you? No, but I suggested copying it.
Uh, we're calling ours the "Smokin' 75" issue.
Why don't you make it 76, and you could add that girl that works for the coffee shop down the street? Oh, my God.
Did you promise her you'd get her in the magazine so she'd sleep with you? No, of course not.
I slept with her, and then I promised.
Well, look, there's nothing I can do.
My job is just to write funny captions for all the pictures.
Like, this girl's name is Margarita, and she's on the beach, so I wrote "Salty Margarita.
" Oh, I thought you were gonna say "Margarita on the Rocks.
" Bert, please.
Leave the writing to the professionals, okay? on the rocks.
So do you get to meet these models? Um, yeah, they've been around the office all week.
Actually, we're having a party this Friday to launch the issue if you want to Yes! Okay, I'll put you on the list.
Tell me you've asked out one of these models.
I'm not gonna ask someone out just based on their looks.
It's superficial.
I need something real.
Uh, these look real.
Did you just come out here to bother me? No, I got a text from my "You up?" girl.
Your what? This girl Melissa that I met last week, she sends me a text that says, "You up?" If I am, she comes over, and we have sex.
Wow! What is it like to be you? Andrew? Yeah? Oh.
I'd like you to meet Chelsea.
Chelsea's our new head of accounting.
I'm kidding.
She's a model.
Well, nice to meet you, Chelsea.
I'm Andrew.
Hi.
And Chelsea wanted to meet everyone involved with the issue, so I thought I'd escort her over here to your office.
And even though it's only about ten feet from my office, but, you know, it's a little tricky.
You know, there's that plant you have to go around.
Well, thanks, Jerry.
You're very sweet.
I am, yeah.
So, uh, Andrew here, he's one of our writers.
Wow, that's so cool.
Actually, I'm gonna be the caption writer for the issue.
That sounds exciting.
You must be great with words.
Yeah, well, yeah, words, obviously.
You got to Hey, why don't we go meet the photographer? You know, he's-he's right next-door, but, you know, but there's this rug you have to go over, so I, you know, I-I should probably take you.
Actually, I'm gonna stay and talk to Andrew for a minute.
Oh, okay.
Well, if you need me, I'll be around.
You can go.
Right.
So, uh, Chelsea, where are you from? I grew up in Winnetka.
No way! I grew up, like, 140 miles from there.
We have so much in common.
Really? Yeah.
In fact, I did a little modeling in high school.
Mostly boats and airplanes.
Oh! You're funny.
Yeah.
I also have a dark side.
Well, anyway, I should probably get going.
May I ask you something? What? May I take you to dinner sometime? So Let's go, come on.
check it out! Watch this.
Huh? Hey, what's going on? Oh, wait, hold it, let me finish.
And spin.
Oh! What are you so happy about? Did you see Oprah and Gayle at the Whole Foods again? Nope, even better.
I am going on a date with a model named Chelsea Summer.
Oh, and did I mention? She's a model.
Yeah! Wow! That's awesome.
Good job! Well done, Bert.
Thank you, guys, thank you.
Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa, why are you congratulating him? I'm the one that did the asking out.
Six months ago, you were carrying around your ex-fiancée's sock, now you're dating models.
I don't think you could've done that without Bert.
Exactly.
I mean, you may be the vessel, but you don't congratulate a microphone for giving a good speech.
It was a team effort.
All three of us did our part.
No, no, no, none of you did anything, okay? I asked her out, and we are going to dinner tomorrow.
Hey, after dinner, why don't you bring her around the apartment so we can all look at her.
No, she is not some object for you to oggle.
She's an underwear model.
Still, I'd like to meet her.
I've never met a real-life model before.
Except for you, Janet.
You don't have to do that.
Good.
Hey, can you bring her around? No.
Look, if a first date goes well, a gentleman might invite his date up for a nightcap but not to meet his friends and family.
Oh, really? Is that what you've done with all of your other model girlfriends? Models are just people, Janet.
She's no different than you and me.
Except that when I Google her, I can find her half naked on the beach.
Ooh, yeah! Ooh.
On horseback and, ooh, covered in chocolate sauce.
Ooh, someone's made a mess.
I'm sorry, but any team with a good running game can beat the Bears.
Dude, you're crazy.
We have the best defense in football.
Oh! give me a break.
The linebackers overpursue and get burnt on draw plays.
I can't believe I'm sleeping with a Lions fan.
You're lucky you're pretty.
You're lucky you're pretty.
Who's the suit? That's my roommate Andrew.
Hey! Congratulations on asking out that model.
Oh, thank you.
I'm pretty psyched.
I have to admit I was afraid that much like the Bears' linebackers, I would overpursue.
Yeah, you made asking out a model sound like a football game.
Very nice.
Well, I've got to go to work.
It was very nice meeting you, Andrew.
Oh, and, hey, Bert, hit the showers.
Whoa! Melissa's really cool.
Yeah, I know, right? And you guys seem to have real chemistry.
Oh, we had some chemistry last night that led to an explosion.
What I meant was you seem to genuinely like each other.
Oh, Andrew, you know so much but understand so little.
You obviously don't get the rules of this kind of an arrangement.
Isn't it just she texts you, then she comes over and you have sex? Okay, you nailed it.
But what would be wrong with taking the relationship to the next level? Look, neither of us wants anything more.
We're both into the casual thing.
Sorry.
I'm just trying to enrich your life by deepening your relationships.
Sometimes I wish you never ran into Oprah at that Whole Foods.
It's worth coming up here for this.
Trust me.
I've got a technique that's gonna blow your mind.
Wow, I've never had a homemade mint cappuccino before.
Oh, hey, Andrew.
I didn't realize you had a date tonight.
We're all just hanging out, watching women's college lacrosse.
She's real! She looks like a princess.
Chelsea, this is my roommate Bert and for, some reason, my sister and brother-in-law.
Pleasure to meet you, Chelsea.
Hello.
I am so proud of us.
And then I crossed the street, and I realized I left the bracelet in the store.
That's hilarious! Oh, the bracelet was the whole reason you went in the store! Anyway, I should probably get going.
Oh, no.
Now, come on, one more story.
I'll walk you to the door.
I'll walk you to the d I had fun.
Uh, me, too.
Uh can I call you, Chelsea? If I can call you Andrew.
Oh, my God, you're always on.
Yeah, sometimes I think about trying standup comedy.
You should! Bye.
Isn't she amazing? Amazingly hot.
Yeah, she's just so smart and interesting.
Come on, man, you don't have to do that with me.
Do what? Say that she's smart and interesting.
It's okay-- I'm shallow, too.
I'm not shallow.
She's hilarious.
Were you not listening? Dude, I've seen dogfights that are funnier than her.
I disagree.
I-I think you just didn't get it.
I mean, the bracelet was still in the store! You got hot-girl goggles on.
What are you talking about? It means you're so blinded by her hotness that you don't notice her flaws.
Her hotness has no effect on Janet 'cause she's female.
And I'm immune to it because I've dated a lot of beautiful women.
You're out of your mind.
She is objectively smart and funny.
Okay.
Call her on speakerphone and ask her to tell you one of her funny stories.
And if you still think she's hilarious, I'll eat the phone.
All right.
Well, then "phone appétit.
" Oh! leave the jokes to Chelsea.
Hello? Uh, hey, Chelsea.
We have a real quick question for you.
Hi.
It's Bert.
Uh, can you tell us that funny story about the bracelet again? We're trying to remember it.
Oh, that is a good one.
I left the store and forgot my bracelet.
Mmm no, that-that's not it.
It was it was something really, really Funny.
That's the only one I told.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Uh, well, okay.
Thanks so much, Chelsea.
We'll talk to you later.
Bye-bye.
What the hell? I remember the story having more twists and turns and not sucking so much.
Well, just admit it.
You're shallow, like a regular guy.
It's fun to be shallow.
No, I am not a regular guy.
I don't date women just based on their looks.
Andrew, she's a nice girl.
So she's not gonna be a Scrabble buddy.
Big deal.
Have fun.
No, that is not who I am.
I will not have fun.
I will find out what is smart and interesting about that super-hot underwear model, or so help me God, I will die trying.
Hi, Andrew.
Hi, Melissa.
Hey, Bert, my friend just opened a restaurant, and I was gonna try it out tonight.
You want to be my date? No.
Wow.
Okay.
Uh, I mean, if we go on a date, then it's like a date.
And we start sharing stories, laughing and drinking wine.
Next thing you know, we're connecting.
I mean, who needs that? Yeah, that sounds horrible.
Yeah, but text me when you're done.
And don't be afraid to bring home leftovers.
Nothing spicy.
Okay.
Yeah, I'll try to remember that.
See you later.
What are you doing? She just asked you out, and you totally blew her off.
I didn't blow her off.
I told her to text me when she's done.
You said you both want something casual, but she clearly wants something more.
Why don't you? Because I don't see her like that.
She's more like a close friend that I have good sex with.
She's not the kind of person you want to date.
That is exactly the person you want to date.
I mean, I'm going out with Chelsea.
What does that have to do with Melissa? Technically, nothing.
It's just I'm dating a model.
I had to drop it in there.
Look, I'm not a relationship guy.
I'm not going back there.
Oh, "going back there.
" So you had a relationship that didn't work out? What happened? Nothing happened, okay? Interesting.
No, no, no, no, don't do that.
Don't say interesting.
All I'm saying is that, uh, maybe deep down you do want to take this relationship to the next level, and maybe, just maybe, you're scared of it falling apart because of whatever happened with this other woman.
It has nothing to do with my mom walking out on us! What? What? Is there something you want to talk about? No.
I'm-I'm done talking to you.
Hm, someone has some issues.
Don't analyze me under your breath.
I'm taking a shower.
Shower all you want-- you can't wash away the emotions.
This place has a lot of amazing art.
I-I think you're really gonna like it.
You know, a lot a lot better than the last thing.
It just felt like someone reading.
Well, it was someone reading-- the author.
But that's okay.
That's not for everyone.
I-I think art's gonna be more our thing.
That's okay.
Yeah.
Oh, this is an interesting piece.
Ah, great use of negative space.
What do you think? It's a lot of yellow.
Uh, well, that's a unique perspective.
Is it the imbalance of color that makes you Makes me think of mustard.
I don't like mustard.
Okay.
Is there a shockingly deep reason you don't like mustard? Is it mustard farmers are being abused in some way or? I have to go to the bathroom.
Okay, uh, you know, it's actually uh, getting kind of late and I have to get up early.
Want to go back to my place? Yes, I do.
Let's do that.
I just had sex with a model! That's awesome, dude! Awesome does not come close to describing what this was, Bert.
It was the most amazing experience of my life.
I finished a little early, but that's okay, that's okay.
Uh, it's like her body was airbrushed.
It-it's like I'm seeing color for the first time.
And you know what we talked about after sex? What? Because it didn't matter.
Nothing! I didn't care what book she was reading or what her politics are or the fact that she calls it "carpool tunnel syndrome.
" She's got carpool tunnel? No, she's fine.
The important thing is I realize I don't have to be so serious all the time.
It's fun to be shallow, right? Oh, my God, it's so fun.
Hey, Bert, are you going to the magazine party tonight? Mike and Janet are gonna be there.
You can, uh, bring Melissa.
It's not gonna happen.
I-I just texted her and Here, read it for yourself.
"Hey, Melissa, I got the apartment to myself tonight.
Why don't you come over after your restaurant thing is done.
" Uh, that's me.
Got that.
"I can't come over tonight.
" Her.
"Why not?" Me.
Can I please read this? Yeah.
"I'm on a date.
" "With who?" "None of your business.
" "Why isn't it my business?" "It's just not.
" "Why not?" "Because" How long does this go on? Well, pretty long, but you read the important stuff.
She's on a date! Can you believe this? Yeah.
You said you didn't want to be exclusive.
No.
Can you believe that I care so much? What the hell is wrong with me? Bert, you're falling for her.
I mean, you don't want to see her on a date with another guy because you want to be that guy.
It's such a weird feeling.
I haven't had it in so long.
Maybe because you never fully dealt with your mom leaving.
She didn't leave.
She's getting cigarettes! Wow.
Okay.
Well, I'm just saying that it would be a shame for your mom's smoking habit to get in the way of, you know, something that could be really meaningful for you.
I hate it when you're right.
Well, I am dating a model.
Melissa? Bert? I'm sorry to interrupt, but I'd like to accept your invitation.
What are you talking about? I changed my mind-- I want to go out on that date.
I'm actually on that date right now with Henry.
Oh, hi hi, Henry.
Bert Lansing.
Hope this isn't awkward.
It's a little awkward.
Uh, can I talk to you over here for a second? Still on that date I mentioned five seconds ago.
I know.
And as a gesture, I'd like to pay for your appetizers.
Just don't go crazy.
Be reasonable.
No shellfish.
I'll be right back.
What are you doing? Well, I'm hoping he's not gonna order shellfish.
Why are you here? I asked you out, and you said no.
That was not fun for me.
I'm sorry.
Look, I-I haven't been in a real relationship in, like, ten years.
And it was a bad one, real bad.
Bert Also, my mom walking out had a big effect on me.
But I worked through that on my way over here.
Look, the bottom line is, I want to take this relationship to the next level.
What do you say? No.
Wow, dude.
Bert, I like you a lot.
But it seems to me like you have some issues you need to work out.
I told you I worked them out on the way over here.
Even still, if you are actually interested in pursuing something deeper with me, then you are gonna have to work hard to prove it.
Then you know what? I'll do it.
Damn it.
What? They're bringing Henry a tiny fork and some lemon! Oh! Make sure I get a copy of that.
Jerry, you pasty son of a bitch, how the hell are you? You know, I am offended by that, but I'm in a room full of models, so this smile, it's involuntary.
Oh, there's Arese.
I was looking for her.
Oh, me, too.
I wanted to have an eye-to-navel conversation with her.
I'll go with you.
Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup.
Sugar.
Whew! Wow.
You're gross.
I'm having fun-- you just don't like that I'm popular.
Well, it's not real.
People think you're better looking and more charming than you actually are because you're with a super-hot girl.
Guess what? I don't care.
And that's one of the benefits of being shallow.
It doesn't matter why people like you, just that they do.
Snap, got you there, Janet.
Or he didn't.
Hey, Mike, what do you say we go home and have a fashion show of our own? All right.
But can I be the photographer this time? I'll think about it.
Yo.
Yo! B-dog.
Not gonna happen.
Beer, please.
So what are you doing here? I went on a date with Melissa.
You're kidding? Well, technically, it was her date with another guy, but I showed up.
Was it a bad idea? Yeah, it wasn't my best.
But I put myself out there, and I told her I want to take our relationship to the next level.
Hey, that's fantastic.
Good for you.
She said no.
That's awful.
Sucks for you.
Yeah, pretty much.
Uh, sorry, buddy.
Hey, it it makes you feel any better, I'm dating a model.
It kind of does.
I'm just saying I could introduce you to one of her friends 'cause she's a model.
I appreciate that, but this is not what I'm looking for right now.
That's what you're always looking for.
I know.
It's weird.
Guess I really like this girl.
That's great, man.
Melissa says it's gonna take some work.
I guess that means I have to romance her.
I might need your help with that.
Oh, so, I guess, the student has become the teacher? More like the weenie's become the douche.
Yeah, I can see that.
Hey, hey.
What are you talking about? Well, I was just telling the girls that I think I'm gonna be on the cover of the Smokin' 75 issue.
Really? Hey, that's fantastic! Good for you! I know, I'm funny and charming.
No, no.
Obviously, you know who's on the cover.
Uh, honestly, I-I have no idea.
I mean, they don't tell me.
What are you talking about? You told me you were the captain writer.
I said I was the caption writer.
What the hell's a captain writer? The captain of all the writers.
I am such an idiot.
Why do I keep sleeping with writers? Ugh! Uh, words! Can't believe she dumped you in the middle of a party.
Well, I kind of deserved it.
I was getting pretty cocky there.
Sorry about that.
If you're apologizing why are you smiling? 'Cause I had sex with a model.
I mean, I have images in my mind that cannot be taken away from me.
I think I might leave my brain to science so some future nerd can someday see what I saw.
Good man.
Hey, and I have you to thank for it.
And I'm not sure I can always be shallow, but it's nice to know I can loosen up and have fun sometimes.
Too far.
I know, I felt it.