Human Resources (2022) s01e09 Episode Script

1 All right, Emmy, first day back to work.
You can do this.
No one's thinking about how you freaked out on Rochelle, turned into a giant Hateworm, and rained vomit all over your coworkers.
- People have their own lives.
- Whoa! She showed up! How shameful.
Okay, I'm here with Emmy Fairfax, the office hot mess.
Emmy, I am obsessed with your commitment to ruining your own life.
What's next for everyone's favorite embarrassing idiot? What is this? Why do you have a microphone? Oh, uh, well, because I'm the gossip correspondent for Connielingus Tonight.
It's Connielingus Tonight Maury, I'm sorry to interrupt your interview with the Princess of Puke, but I've got a hot couple alert! Oh, wow, this is a real treat for me.
I have to pretend to like interviewing people like Emmy, but with you two, the hard-on is real.
Aw, you're sweet.
Rochelle, Dante, what's it like being workplace royalty? I'm just glad I could bring home the Dolly for the whole office.
Come on, smoking hot and a team player? Let's hear it for my girl! Can you believe this shit? I know.
Just ignore it.
They're basically rubbing it in our faces.
I mean, they are fucking tea-bagging us with their love.
Rochelle clearly sees something in Dante no one else does.
Like, absolutely no one.
Well, don't forget, he does have three dicks.
How could I forget? It's all anybody ever talks about! But, of course, I don't care.
Coming up next, Janelle Monáe sings a song while we look at a list of actors I've done butt-stuff with.
That's just the way you make me feel That's just the way you make me feel That's just the way you make me feel So real, so good, so fuckin' real So real, so good, so fuckin' real That's just the way you make me feel That's just the way you make me feel It's like I'm powerful With a little bit of tender An emotional, sexual bender Mess me up, yeah But no one does it better There's nothin' better That's just the way you make me feel Please, Mama, you have to eat! No! I'm hot.
I want candy.
What's wrong with these people? Your mother loves candy.
Just give her what she loves! But, Walter, old ladies can't survive on candy alone.
No one asked you, bitch.
- Mama, please.
- No! Amir, she needs professional care.
Excuse me, don't talk about Yara like she's not even here! You know I love your mother, but we can't give her the help she needs.
She doesn't want help, she wants candy.
At this point, we'd even take raisins, and raisins fucking suck! I'm not letting my poor mama go back to that home after they let her break her hip.
That's right, big guy.
We're making sound decisions based on facts, not rash emotional impulses.
Exactly! You're my rock.
But, Dad, Teta doesn't even know who we are.
- She's just old, Natalie.
- And she's terrifying! She deserves your respect.
Last night, I got up to get water and she was just sitting in the dark combing Nadja's old Bratz dolls.
They had a job interview.
How dare you? Do you know how many oceans this queen had to cross to give your family life and liberty and the pursuit of happiness? One! But it was a big one, you ungrateful shit rat! Walter, can you please take it down a notch and help get your client to eat some soup? She doesn't want soup, she wants candy! She is a grown woman, she can't have candy for dinner.
- I'm just trying to be a good son.
- I know.
But you're not the one dealing with her - poo-poos.
- Oh, my God.
Are you talking about wiping Grandma's ass? I'm hot.
Oh, please.
You've seen one tush, you've seen them all.
- Uh, Dad? - I'm on poo-poo duty from now on.
- Dad! - Mama! Mama, where's your shirt? I was hot.
Honey, they're gorgeous, but let's cover them up, okay? - Knock, knock! - Who's there? Oh, it's not a joke, just something I have to say because of my tiny arms.
- Well, what do you want? - The tube said I'm off Yara's team.
- What? - Yeah! At first, I thought it was because I was doing a bad job, but what a relief, she's just dying! How in the hell is that a relief? Because there's so much she doesn't need to worry about anymore.
But Yara can't die! She's She's not ready! I don't know.
Everyone else is leaving too.
Her Ambition Gremlin, her Appetite Sprite, her Bladder Badger.
What? Am I the last one on her team? No! No, that's impossible! Hey, man, I don't think I've ever said this before, but you need to relax or you're gonna die too, like Yara.
Well, you need to get the fuck out of my office! Hey! You're not supposed to have a fly-swatter at work! - That's an OSHA violation! - Get out! Shoo! Okay, here are a few best practices for taking care of an elderly parent.
One, keep your parent active and engaged.
- Stretching is a must.
- Up, down.
Be careful with her, you brute! She could shatter! Two, don't be afraid to ask for help when necessary.
Nabilah! Ugh.
And, finally, make decisions that make life easier for everyone involved.
This sweat suit is a sweet-suit.
Loose elastic for comfy times.
No, no, no.
Yara doesn't belong in a sweat suit.
- Aw, I think she looks nice.
- You've stripped her of her style.
She used to dress in Chanel, and now she looks like The Irishman.
Okay, Mama, time for breakfast.
I want candy.
We all want candy! Think I like Kashi Good Friends cereal? You know, up where I live, I'm on the box of Kashi Good Friends cereal.
Pete, how are you feeling? - Oh! Holy hell! Can I help you? - Actually, I'm here to help you.
I'm Keith from Grief.
I hear your client has a parent on the way out.
I am so sad to hear.
Here's my card.
Yeah, I'm sorry, Keith from Grief, but now's not a good time.
It never is.
Hey, maybe Amir and I could just sit down? Have a a little chat over some tea, a light lunch, perhaps? It seems like he could use a very warm cashmere hug.
No, look, Amir doesn't have time for hugs, he has an ailing mother to take care of.
Don't I know it? - And again, I am so, so sorry to hear - Yeah, we don't need your pity.
Oh, no, no, no.
I'm Keith from Grief.
You're thinking of Schmitty from Pity.
A lovely creature, albeit, at times, a little condescending.
I don't want oatmeal! I'm sorry, Keith, but now is really not a good time.
Pete, it's not a good idea to ignore me.
Mama, no! Ugh! You got Kashi all over my Calvin's! Why can't we just give her candy? All she's doing is saying what she wants, but no one in this house gives a shit! Walter, you need to calm down.
And you need to start freaking out! - The Lovebug's got a point.
- Good granite, Keith! - I'm sorry, but who the fuck is this? - Oh, hi.
Keith from Grief.
I'm here to help this lovely family start the mourning process.
Uh-uh! We are not mourning, honey, we are thriving.
Of course! Denial.
First stage.
Very normal.
Listen, Keith from queef, nobody wants you here, so why don't you make like a "treef" and leaf? - I will fuck you up.
- Excuse me? Oh! See? Now you're experiencing anger.
Second stage.
Again, perfectly normal.
Okay, Keith from Grief, what do we have to do to get you to leaf? And there it is, stage three.
Bargaining.
We've almost got a grief bingo.
I'm about to bargain my foot up your whole ass.
Okay, let's go, Keith.
We don't have the time or inclination to be sad today.
I I just want to make sure you both have my card.
My mantra is on there, "The only way out is through.
" That is a shitty mantra, Keith! Oh, also, that card is good for 5% off at Kohl's, the official retail chain of grief.
Oh, okay, um, I am gonna take this, but only 'cause I need to get my nephew some Super Mario Skechers.
Okay? That's the only reason why.
So I heard Rochelle has a fungus in her butt and her pussy, which apparently you can only get by fucking an unflushed public toilet.
So if you wanted to call her maybe "Toilet Fucker" That sounds like you're starting a rumor.
I don't want to get involved.
Between you and me, that's what the toilet said.
Oh, hi.
Nice of you to join us.
Yeah, it is nice of me, because I didn't wanna come.
Where's Walter? Oh, Walter's part of the A-story this episode.
He left Rochelle in charge.
Oh, yeah.
Of course he did.
And what exactly is that supposed to mean? Uh, just that everyone's convinced you're so great and weirdly unwilling to believe that you'd make hard love to a toilet.
Well, maybe they'll ask you to lead the meeting when it's about how to humiliate yourself on a global scale.
Maybe they will! I hope they do! Okay, ladies, we all know what happened at the International Creature Convention.
Rochelle gave Dolly Parton a kidney, but Emmy wanted the kidney for herself, so you turned to blackmailing each other.
- What? No.
- That's not at all what happened.
Exactly! It doesn't matter what happened because we're Lovebugs! Bugs who love! So, come on, let's show this office how it's done.
Yeah? So, like what? Hug each other! Oh, I I don't think that's necessary.
- Would you ask guys to do this? - Of course I would! - Dave, hug Victor, will ya? - Gladly.
Bring it in, Vic.
Your turn, ladies.
- Hug! Hug! Hug! - Ugh, fine.
Are you happy now? I'm ecstatic! Now, back to the business at hand, what are we going to do about J.
K.
Rowling? Where did her magic go? How dare that nitwit from Grief.
There's still so much life left in you.
You're not going anywhere.
Oh, Walter, I don't know.
Well, baby, you better know, because I still need you.
Hey, who are you? I'm Lindsay Lohan.
Give me candy, Lindsay Lohan? Fine.
I think I have a melted Tootsie Roll in my bag.
Really, shit rat? A Tootsie Roll? All you got for your grandma is the ugly second cousin of candy? Yeah, I'm not sure how old this is.
Mm.
Thank you, Lindsay.
This candy is not good.
You know, if you want the primo stuff, I might know a place.
Okay, we're intrigued.
But I'm not taking you out with you looking like an aging mobster.
That's what I said, girl! One thing I always liked about you, Teta, you have incredible taste.
Yes, thank you! Finally some respect.
Ooh! And an Hermès scarf? Girl, you better have one for me too.
Ugh, come on.
Who holds hands while they eat lunch? Why don't you just chew each other's food while you're at it? Emmy, over here! Yoo-hoo! Several free seats.
Please, join me.
I guess this is my life now.
- Yeah, welcome to the cool table.
- Oh! Can you help me get into my milk? I'm about to give up and buy a new one.
Ugh, I feel bad about Emmy.
I mean, I did lie to her about us, and you two were together.
In the carnal sense, sure.
But all we did was fuck, and the odd blowjob, and I say odd because, you know, I have three dongers.
- It's fuckin' odd down there, right? - Come on, Dante, I'm being serious.
Babe, babe, so am I.
But you need to stop punishing yourself because you're happy and Emmy's miserable.
Okay, so, what? You're saying she's just jealous? If that'll end this conversation, then yeah.
- Fuck you.
- You deserve love, Rochelle.
- I love you.
- And I love you.
Ladies and gentlemen, I love this bug and I don't care who knows it.
Finger him! Finger him! Come on, guys! Finger him! Nobody? Just me? Oh, look at you! You've never looked more vibrant.
And I look fine as hell too, if I do say so myself.
- What's up, my man? - "Tiger clit powder"? Do you think this is made with real tiger clits? We'll, uh, take these White Claws.
Um, uh, menthol Juul, and two of your finest scratchers.
- Ugh.
- What? It's all for her.
- She's, like, a hundred.
- And candy.
Ooh! A Toblerone, the crown prince of candy.
- You heard her.
And don't forget the Juul.
- Okay, shit rat.
I had no idea you were such a lil' legend.
I like this girl too.
You know who she reminds me of? - Who? - You, you foxy fox! Ah, yes, foxy.
Who is this girl again? Lindsay Lohan.
Hello! How is Mama? Any poo-poos of note? - No, she's been quiet all afternoon.
- Mama? I've been fighting with friends on Facebook.
Don't post photos of your kids if they're not cute.
- Nabilah! Mama is not in her room! - What? Um, okay, uh, well, you know, let's just stay calm.
- I'm sure there's a rational explanation.
- Does there have to be? Jesus, Marble, and Joseph! You have to stop doing that, Keith! I am so sorry, but I thought that this might be an opportune time to have a a cry.
You know, one of those really big sad storms that lets out all the rain.
- Who Who is this? - He's no one.
Don't even look at him.
Hi, Keith from Grief.
And yes, before you ask, of course you can hug me.
No, no, no.
We don't have time for you, Keith from Greece.
- Yes, that's what I said.
- My feeble mother is missing.
Should we pray together? Because praying can be very meaningful.
Please, Rock, deal with this sweater man.
I have to find my mama.
The only way out is through.
Come on, Keith.
Praying, crying, grieving? They're all just pointless exercises in self-indulgence.
You know, Peter, you've got a really sassy mouth.
Uh Uh, what? I I am trying so hard to be nice, but you are so disrespectful.
And, Amir, you, you're breaking my heart, man.
And when my heart breaks, shit gets broken.
Are are you threatening us? Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait a minute.
I am so sorry.
Do I seem threatening? Yeah, you kinda do.
Well, good! Because grief is a natural process of life, and if you don't wanna deal with it, well then, bubbale, it's gonna deal with you! We should go look for Yara.
Like, um, now? Good idea, Rock.
Nabilah, I'm going to look for Mama! - Go, go, go! - The only way out is through! The only way out is through! The only way out is through! - Ugh.
Thank God they're finally gone.
- Would you like my hot take? Well, let me guess, Rochelle's a star, I'm the worst, slit my throat, dissolve my body in acid, go to hell, be dead.
Whoa, whoa, I was just going to opine that Rochelle sucks.
- Really? - It's true! She is shameless.
She lied about their dalliance only to later feign innocence, and then hide behind, what? Love? Oh, fuck that! Yes.
Thank you.
Okay, why does no one else see that I'm the victim here? Well, I imagine it's because you ruined the biggest brunch of her life.
Wait, what happened to me being perfect and right? Well, do you want me to tell you the truth, girlfriend, or lie to you like you're a co-worker who just got terrible bangs? Fine, I'll take the stupid truth.
You were both wrong! She was a mendacious skank and you were a jealous little twat.
Ugh, I I guess I was just mad that other people were happy for her.
Yeah, like a selfish little baby, sure.
I dunno, what do you think, should I apologize? - That would be the mature thing to do.
- Ooh! And then maybe Rochelle will finally admit that she was wrong and apologize back to me.
Yes! Yes, it's always best to apologize with the expectation of an apology in return.
Forgiveness is quite transactional in that way, isn't it? Yes, exactly! Wait, wait, Emmy, I was being sarcastic! I know it's hard to tell with my accent, but it Ah.
She never opened my milk.
You know, Teta, you're not so terrifying once you get your candy.
And you know, shit rat, for a rat, you're not so shitty.
Mmm.
This candy is good.
It's sweet.
- Mmm, like Safi.
- What's Safi? You know, I have to meet Safi at the beach right now.
- What? - Yes! Great idea.
Visiting your memories always makes you feel so alive.
And alive is good, alive is what we want.
Oh! And there's Safi now.
That weird sideways tooth! Honey, it's sexy.
Every time I see him, my heart stops.
Maybe don't say your heart stops? I'm sorry, I can't marry you.
My family forbids it.
Ugh, I hated your family for that.
Ah, I remember.
But then, you met Wassim.
Okay, okay, okay.
I don't remember you being in Saturday Night Fever or married to John Travolta, but the vibe is right.
You did not like Wassim at first.
Well, he was too cocky.
You were the real star.
But he was kind.
And hung like a python, if I remember correctly.
And I could be honest with Wassim.
Wassim Girl, I loved how you told the man you didn't cook or do dishes in your wedding vows.
You were a boss.
I just wanted to work and love up my babies.
"If you are okay with that, we have a deal.
" Ooh, look at baby Amir! How you loved that little turd bird.
Who knew he'd grow up to be such an aggressive driver? Those kids made you so proud.
But we would never tell them that, because they would get lazy.
And the turd birds begot little shit rats! Wait, Yara? The memories, they're they're going out! Come on, ass, don't be a dick.
Are you ready to go, Teta? Yes, I am ready.
Oh! But wait, I'm not ready! Come on, ass! Work! I love you, Neil Diamond! Ah! Your love language has always been titties.
Hi, uh, can we talk? I don't know, Emmy, can we? Fair.
Okay, well, I just wanted to say that I am sorry.
I I was mad at you.
Like, really, really mad at you.
And I got drunk.
Like, really, really drunk.
And I crossed a line and I'm sorry.
Well, thank you.
And, um, is there anything you, uh, you know, maybe wanna add? - Yes.
- Yeah? I'm relieved that you're coming to terms with your alcoholism.
It's huge.
Wait, what? No, I I mean, is is there anything you would like to apologize for? Uh, no, I'm good.
- You pretty much covered it.
- Oh, come on, Rochelle! Really? Nothing? What exactly do I have to apologize for? Uh, I don't know.
Being a total backstabbing diva bitch? Um, no.
You're just jealous and acting like a victim.
"Victim"? Honey, I am a survivor.
- Girl, a survivor of what? - Your shitty friendship! - Apology rescinded.
- You can't rescind an apology.
Oh, I rescind it! I rescind it so hard! I rescind our friendship, I rescind the day I met you, I rescind those boots I borrowed from you! Oh, good! Does that mean you're gonna finally give them back, thief? No! I lost 'em years ago! And I'm glad, because you are a terrible friend! And you are a terrible Lovebug! - Everyone hates you! - Like who? Point they ass out.
Um, the Shame Wizard.
He thinks you suck.
No, I beg you, don't drag me into this.
Oh, please, everyone hates the Shame Wizard.
- He sucks.
- Yeah, I can't argue with that.
You're a mean, smug know-it-all who takes whatever she wants, no matter the cost, and can never be wrong.
You know what? I was wrong.
About being your friend! I wish I still had your boots so I could take a big, hot shit in them! - Okay, let's think about this logically.
- She's in a wheelchair! - Which has wheels.
- Which go forward.
- When pushed or on an incline.
- So if we keep heading downhill - Odds are we're gonna find her - At the bottom! Yes! Oh, God! Now, I didn't wanna say this earlier, and I don't wanna upset you, but maybe we should check the hospital or the morgue? What? That is not helpful, Rock! You're right, you're right, it's a dumb idea.
I just thought because she's elderly, and has Alzheimer's, and she broke her hip - Just shut up and keep looking! - Ahh! What the I will make you cry.
- Oh, no! Greek Keith is back! - Uh, quick, turn here! Use the Hardee's drive-thru, it's always empty.
Out is through! Out is through! Out is Wait a minute! Are you still making breakfast? 'Cause, you know, when I get this big I like to nosh.
I I think I need a break.
Maybe Juuling is bad for you.
Come on, ass! Ugh, finally! There we go.
Oh, this was the last time you saw Safi.
- Do you remember? - Yes.
I didn't think you'd come.
Oh! This is my favorite memory.
Of course.
I love you.
I'd walk 500 kilometers for you.
And I'd walk 500 more just to be your Just shut up and kiss me.
We can't let this one go.
Please! Just hold on to them a little longer.
Yara? What's wrong? Teta, you okay? Do something, shit rat! Do something! Oh, no, no, no.
No, Teta, hold on.
You took her where? To give her candy? Stay right there, young lady.
I am mad as Max right now.
Ahh! - You can't escape me.
- Do something, Rock! Yes! Whoa! - We did it! We beat Grief! - Fuck you, Keith! Oh gosh.
I'm starting to think they don't like me.
No more TV, no more streaming, no more streaming TV, no more Friends.
The show or my peer group? - Both! - Dad! Ugh! Poor man thought his mother was laying dead in a ditch next to a Hardee's.
What were you thinking? Natalie, we had no idea where she was! We could've lost her, and - And - Amir, are you okay? Out! Through! Out! Through! Out! Through! - I I I - Out! Through! I'm already losing her.
- Out.
Through.
- Dad? But Teta's okay.
No, Natalie, she is not okay.
Please.
Please don't say it.
I love my mama so much, but she is dying, and Out? Through? And And that makes me a sad dad.
Life is cruel and unfair, but it's also so fucking precious.
I know! I know! And nothing makes any sense! What are you so upset about, Rock? This! But also this girl I like at work doesn't like me back, and she has this new boyfriend, and she says she loves him, and he has three dicks! Oh, buddy, your thing is not like mine, but come here.
Yeah, bring it on in, Pete.
Thank you, Keith.
I want a slice of cuddle pie too.
Now I ask you, was that so hard? Yes.
- But I feel a little better.
- And what do you wanna do now? I want to pray for Mama.
Okay, big guy, let's go pray for Mama.
I had the best day.
And got to eat candy with my friend, Lindsay Lohan.
I'm glad, Mama.
I don't wanna let you go.
I love you, Teta.
I'm glad I got to know you.
You're a cool ass bitch.
She really is.
Who are you? Oh! Um Hi! I'm I'm Walter, your grandma's Lovebug.
Hey, Walter.
I'm really gonna miss her.
I am, too.
But she had a pretty amazing life.
And I guess now we have to let her go? I guess we do.
You know, you're You're pretty wise for a shit rat.
I know.
I I could really use a Lovebug right now.
Bitch, you got one.
Moon river Wider than a mile I'm crossing you in style I'll take care of her.
I know.
Wassim? And Safi? Oh, boy, this is awkward.
But, hey, I'm game if you two are! Two drifters Off to see the world There's such a crazy world to see We're all chasing after all the same Chasing after our end Moon river Wider than a mile Crossin' in style someday