Hung s01e09 Episode Script

RAY: Sit down and think about what you did wrong.
We're always given a choice, ladies and gentlemen whether to walk the path of the straight and narrow or to succumb to temptation.
Do I write the essay myself or do I copy it verbatim from Wikipedia? Not that bright, Van Olsen.
See these questions, this choice comes down to the core of who you are.
Detention now leads to prison later, fellas.
So this time is for sitting down and thinking about how you got from here to here.
It's about accountability.
It's about responsibility.
Community.
Damon Drecker, can I see you out in the hall, please? No talking.
What the hell did you do to get detention? Nothing.
Powell called Mrs.
Butchik "Mrs.
Buttcheeks.
" Butchik is her given name, son.
- You shouldn't make fun.
- Powell said it.
Who is Powell? This guy? - Yeah.
- Why are you here? Just hanging with him.
All right, let me get this straight, you didn't get detention.
You just decided to spend the afternoon hanging out in detention with this kid Powell.
Yeah, we're friends.
- What, Dad? - I don't know.
I mean, you know.
- Are you homophobic? - What are you talking about? I'm asking you questions about your life.
Come on.
I don't get to see you that much these days.
Powell's not into labels, Dad.
And quite frankly, neither am I.
Okay, Damester.
RAY: Now I'm not above admitting George Clooney's a handsome man but this was a whole other thing.
Damon and I, we used to tell each other everything.
[PHONE RINGING.]
- Hello? TANYA: Hi, Patty.
It's me, Tanya.
Why are you calling me? I wanted to follow up about your appointment with the happiness consultant.
I'm working on the Hollopaw deal right now.
I know.
I didn't want to bother you, but how was it? - I don't want to talk about it.
- Why not? Just let it die, okay, Tanya? Patty, I don't understand.
If by your own assertion the sex was great then shouldn't you be happy? - Have you ever done coke, Tanya? Cocaine? No.
I tried peyote a couple of times.
Well, having sex with that guy is like doing coke.
Because it's expensive, but you really want it.
So you buy it and then you get this huge awesome rush.
That's a good thing, right? A huge awesome rush.
But then you come down from your high and you're broke and you feel even lonelier and more pathetic than you did before and you want to kill yourself.
So I guess you won't be interested in our bimonthly package? I'm kidding.
Patty, look, wait.
Seriously, what would make you interested in being a repeat customer? I don't know.
- Maybe if he was like crack.
- Crack? Yeah, cheap, dirty.
Same high, half the price.
I think my kid's a gay.
- Damon? - Yeah.
Well, that's great, Ray.
I mean, don't worry.
Lots of kids experiment with their sexuality.
I myself, I had a little thing with this woman Miriam in college - Hey, hey.
I don't need to hear about your lesbian past, Tanya.
We're having a business meeting.
This is business.
All right, well, then I'm gonna be honest with you, Ray.
We are encountering a little pushback in our pricing.
I think we might need to consider lowering our pricing point.
Maybe offering a sliding scale to our lower-income clients.
What are you talking about? When we started this you said we were gonna clear two grand a night.
[PHONE RINGING.]
I know.
I know I said that.
But do you watch cable news? Oh, my God, it's Pierce.
Hang on a second, Ray.
It's Pierce.
Pierce, are you there? PIERCE: Tanya.
- Where are you? - Cuba.
God, I miss you.
- I miss you too.
- Where are you? - Havana, Cuba.
It's a long story.
I'll be back in a few days.
- What? - Fuck, I'm running out of minutes.
I've got to go, but I love you Who was that? My boyfriend.
He had to go on a trip.
- See? That's what I'm talking about.
- What? You spend all your time with this new boyfriend.
- Meanwhile our business is falling apart.
- What are you talking about? How can I be spending all my time with my new boyfriend when he's in Cuba? Now, Ray, I know that you're upset about Damon's homosexual tendencies Hey, hey, I promised my kids they could move back in.
This two grand from Jemma is a drop in the bucket.
This house, it's not gonna fix itself.
Who do I have to fuck around here to get my kids back? I'm trying, Ray.
I'm really trying.
These are turbulent times.
Ray, I don't think it sounds right when you say, "My kid's a gay.
" Just, "My kid's gay.
" DARBY: Why didn't you tell me? DAMON: There's nothing to tell.
You didn't seem that interested.
I thought you were too obsessed with Hammer to notice anything anyway.
Have you had sex with him yet? - Damon.
- What's it to you, Darb? I mean, you're my twin brother.
Why wouldn't you want to tell me? - Why do you want to know so bad? - Because I care.
Come on.
All right, I haven't had sex with him.
Yet.
Wait.
Do you want to? It's okay.
Don't worry.
I mean guys are really easy to please.
JESSICA: Go! Oh, come on, you're almost there, guys.
I give them 10 bucks every time they reach the top.
It's my secret weight-loss plan.
Sounds good.
Hey, don't worry, I gave up pilates to pay for it.
- It doesn't matter.
- Of course it matters.
I don't need "things.
" Material stuff.
Ron, what do I have to do to make you believe me? Why did you and your mother go through my stuff? - Ron.
- What did you think you were looking for? Did you think I was lying to you? - Were you worried that I was broke? - It was a moment of weakness.
I don't care about the money.
What about your ex-husband? I do not care about him either.
I love you, Ron.
I just want things to be normal again.
How do we be normal? I passed signs for that sale that you love.
The Timson Bank sale.
- What about it? - I want you to go.
No, we can't afford it, Ron.
Look at me.
I'm tired of our lives being reduced to how much money we have.
I'm sick of it.
So what? We took a hit.
Everybody did.
Now, go.
I want you to go to the sale.
I want you to buy something.
Be happy.
For me.
It's this amazing new service a friend of mine runs.
For male prostitutes.
Isn't that kind of gross? Not at all.
I think you would feel empowered.
I know I did.
I don't know.
Well, I know Patty felt empowered too.
PATTY: Great.
TANYA: It's a progressive service.
It's very sensitive.
In no way dirty.
Unless you like dirty.
She said it was like doing coke.
I've never tired coke myself.
I did peyote a couple times.
I know the economy is collapsing, but heck, when you look back at your life do you really want to say to yourself, "Damn it! I was such a fuddy-duddy.
I never once paid for sex.
Not even once?" Good boy.
Oh, yes, that's a good boy.
TANYA: Hello.
Hi.
Wow, you have a dog? What's its name? Patty.
Horny Patty, actually.
You named your dog Horny Patty? Yeah, I did.
Wonder why I'd do that? Any ideas? Lenore, are you mad at me? Is that why you asked me to lunch? I do have a little bone to pick with you, T-Brain.
I ran into Horny Patty at the mall and she told me that you told her that Happiness Consultants was my escort service.
You're using my name to hawk your product.
Lenore, in that one instance I did use your name.
- I'm sorry.
- Well, you owe me one.
So how is business anyway? - Business is brisk.
- I'll bet.
I was thinking I could use a little Ray myself, actually.
You mean Randall.
No, I mean Ray.
I had his wallet, Tanya.
I know his name.
Lenore, Ray's dance card is very full.
Okay, well, why don't you just send me over one of your other guys.
You don't have any other guys, do you, T-Brain? No, you just have the one.
Lenore, I'm in the process of building a stable of qualified professionals.
LENORE: Don't bullshit a bullshitter.
You're smart.
You do one thing and you do it well.
Ray's a hot commodity.
He's the right age.
He's got a big fat dick and he knows how to use it.
Send him over tonight.
Lenore, you stole his wallet and his underwear.
He's never gonna go for it.
Cash upfront.
I'm free after 10.
RAY: Lenore.
Again.
Tanya should have never sent me there.
RAY: What are we doing here? - A friend of mine owns it.
RAY: A friend of yours owns it? - That's right.
I left my wallet in the car so don't get any bright ideas.
[LENORE CHUCKLES.]
- I've already got a suit.
- Yeah, that's a crap suit, Ray.
Try this on.
- What, here? - Yeah.
Go ahead.
It's not like I haven't seen you in the buff before.
So how's it going with Tanya? It's going all right.
She's funny, that one.
She means well.
What do you mean? I don't know.
Just funny.
Ray, how much do you think these shoes are worth? I don't know.
$79.
99.
How about these? - No idea.
- $1,250.
- Come on.
- Do you know why? Branding.
These shoes are Christian Louboutin.
These shoes are shit.
Women buy the Louboutin because they're buying quality.
But more importantly they're buying what the Louboutin represent: The best.
Sounds to me like you're getting a bad deal.
They don't care.
That's the crucial thing you need to remember.
Paying more doesn't bother them.
It gives them peace of mind.
If they wear something of value, that means that they in turn have value.
You shouldn't be lowering your price in this economy.
You should be raising it.
This is something that Tanya will never understand.
That's hot.
No, no, no, keep the suit.
All right.
Hold on.
It's time to diversify.
Listen, not all women can come from just dick alone.
- I haven't heard any complaints.
- That you know of.
It's gonna cost you extra.
Jesus.
Oh, my God.
You know, some guys have a problem with it.
But not me.
I just you know, have to like the lady.
Like the lady? What are you, a bible salesman? You don't need to like the lady.
You just need to like the cash.
One of the many words of wisdom that will fall from my mouth if you play on my team.
- Comfy? - Yeah.
Oh, that's good, Ray.
Oh, that's That's actually quite Oh, God.
Oh, goodness.
That's really good.
Ray, you really need to come play on my team.
We should team up.
Listen, Tanya, she doesn't know anyone.
She has no access to wealth.
She can't get you what you need.
Tanya's my friend.
She's also my partner.
Am I paying to argue with you? Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
You're playing in the minors, Ray.
You are a major-league guy playing on a minor-league team.
A major-league guy playing for a minor-league team.
[LENORE MOANING.]
[LENORE GRUNTING.]
[TOILET FLUSHES.]
TANYA: Okay.
PATTY: You talking shit about me? - No, Patty.
Absolutely not.
This is my workplace.
All right, you're telling people I did coke and heroin? - I never said a word about heroin.
- Just listen up! Listen up! Just because you talked me into paying for sex with some guy with a big dick does not give you the right to talk about it.
Don't you ever talk about me or to me again or I will kick your ass sideways.
- Do you understand? You understand? - Yes.
Uh-huh.
Patty paid for sex? Linda.
LENORE: You never called me.
- Excuse me? From the nail salon.
I offended you with my potty mouth.
Oh, hi.
- Lenore.
- Right.
Oh, don't, no.
No, don't buy that.
That's just a Chloé knock-off from last season.
There's a cuter chemise in the Armani section.
I'll show you.
Oh, wait, no.
I just wanted to get something on sale.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
You can paw through the racks if you want.
I'm gonna tell you a secret.
I can get you the same exact discount on the new designer collection.
Come on.
Do you work here or something? - Kind of.
I'm a lifestylist.
- Lifestylist? Yeah, kind of a combo life coach and stylist.
I help people maximize their personal style.
Oh.
L Through, you know, fashion, home decorating, fitness.
- What size are you, a two? - Oh.
I used to be.
I'm a four.
Ever since the divorce I just haven't found time to work out.
- Colonics.
- Really? It sucks it right out.
The pounds drop off.
- I have a guy.
- Really? - Okay, try this dress with this jacket.
- No, I really shouldn't.
I did just want to just pick up something on sale.
Oh, all right.
I just thought that the cut would help with your problem area.
You think? I'm taking a little survey.
Can you have an orgasm from just cock or do you need a guy to go down on you to get off? I can't answer that.
I've asked a bunch of my clients.
Seems like the ratio is 60-40 tongue to dick.
Well? Tongue helps.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
That looks amazing.
TANYA: And then the Happiness Consultant meets you at a destination of your choice for a night of erotic adventure.
Sounds good.
Now there's the small matter of payment.
Lenore likes for her clients to pay upfront.
Great.
Oh, I'm sorry, Linda.
We'll need the full amount.
Our service costs $600.
I have 50.
- You said there was a sliding scale.
- Right.
There is.
Okay, I get it.
We can offer you $100 off and give you our service for $400.
I mean 500.
$100 off six.
I can pay 50.
Linda, I don't understand what you're saying to me.
$400 is my final offer.
Fif Fifty.
Linda.
Linda, this is insulting.
No, no, no, it really is.
No deal.
I'd like a brioche, please.
MAN: Sure.
LENORE: So that's terrible.
- Same thing, different color.
- Oh.
I'm sorry, Jessica.
What the hell? - I look great in that.
- Yeah, in 1989 maybe.
- But no longer, no.
RONNIE: Jess, are you home? Oh, hey, Ron.
Come upstairs.
I want you to meet a friend of mine.
- Hey, baby.
- Oh, you're home.
Lenore, this is Ron.
Ron, Lenore.
Hi.
So nice to meet you.
You guys went shopping? I know.
I was only gonna pick up one little thing.
But then I met Lenore and she's amazing.
She helped me find the best stuff.
I just help women be their best selves.
And you bought all this? I know it looks like a lot, but Lenore gets a 15 percent discount on every item over 100 bucks.
I got this one for you.
- That's great, Jess.
What's the return policy on this stuff? All sales are final because of the discount.
Okay, great.
That's That Great.
Nice to meet you, Lenore.
- Ron, are you mad? - No.
No.
I'm happy when you're happy, Jess.
Jessica, stop it.
Stop what? Stop handing out your love like you're a 10th grade slut.
Stop letting your kids and your husband walk all over you.
Repeat after me: I have the power.
Say it.
Say it.
- I have the power.
- Say it again.
I have the power.
- I don't believe you.
- I have the motherfucking power! [LAUGHING.]
[BOTH WHISPERING.]
Fifty bucks? That's insulting.
Why are we talking about it? It's actually not that insulting, Ray.
Patty said you were like cocaine.
She says you were She compared you to crack, okay? - Shh.
- That's the effect you have on these women.
So just have sex with Linda.
Just give her a taste.
Give her a little bump, you know.
And then she'll keep coming back for more.
Lenore says we should be charging 1500 bucks a pop for a night with me.
Well, I'd like to see her try to get 1500 bucks.
She says we should be raising our prices, not lowering them.
These women, they need to feel like they're worth something.
When were you talking to Lenore about all this? When we were having sex.
Ray, don't talk to Lenore.
I'm not comfortable with that.
- Who do you want me to talk to instead? - Talk to me.
We are going to figure this out.
[IN NORMAL VOICE.]
Ray.
- I'm late for detention.
I believe in us.
[PIANO PLAYING.]
[MIKE SINGING "TROUBLE IN MIND".]
[WHISTLES.]
- Oh, hey, Ray.
- You all right, man? Music department got the ax today.
Gutting the arts, coach.
Taking a steak knife and carving the heart right out of our schools.
They're gonna be coming for us any day.
No, Mike.
We're safe.
Everybody loves sports.
[PHONE RINGING.]