I Just Want My Pants Back (2012) s01e09 Episode Script

1 I feel like my love life is starting to look like one of those time-lapse films of a rotting deer carcass.
You are the worst person! I think you and ness could be really great together.
Just don't screw it up like you always do.
I'll try to screw it up in a new and amusing way for you.
Crazy, right? I've never dated a guy in a band before.
It's crazy that there are any professions you haven't gotten around to tapping.
Oh, don't listen to him.
Tales of my promiscuity are over-exaggerated.
So how'd you meet this guy, teen? Ethan.
Typical story, boy meets girl, boy feeds vodka shots, girl wakes up happy, hung over, and a little sore.
- Ew.
- Anyway, so far so good.
He front what seems to be a pretty popular band, and he's really sweet, like, the anti-Brett, and between us girls, he's skilled in the ways of lovemaking.
He likes to wiggle it, just a little bit.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Super-stoked you're here.
Tina, vodka soda.
- Oh, you're the sweetest.
- Here, take these.
Free drinks, courtesy of my band, time of your life.
Oh, you're right, he is the sweetest.
It's so cool, you guys all came to see us.
Okay.
I gotta go get into character.
So, anyone want some more of this watery beer? - Uh, yes.
- Me, please.
I do.
She's different than your usual type, Jay.
She's sane.
Yeah, I'm not even a little bit sick of her.
No complaints.
So romantic.
Come on.
Hello, New York! I hope you're having a good day.
But who wants their day to get a little greener? You, my friend, are dating the lead singer of a green day cover band.
My grandparents loved them on Broadway.
Well, Me.
Mmm.
You kiss pretty good for a dude.
I've been practicing on the back of my hand since I was 11.
Would you date me if I was bad? Maybe, I'd have to know more about your finances.
What if I was in a cover band? No, definitely not.
What if I had one of those really tiny arms that just hangs there? Or or if I had a strange pet? Okay, yeah.
Uh, turtle? Yes, love turtles.
Parrot? Maybe.
Iguana, deal-breaker.
So hey, it's my birthday tomorrow.
Is it? Happy almost birthday.
Oh, thanks, and, um, I wasn't sure if I was gonna mention it, but I'm having this, like, little get together, just with a bunch of my closest friends, and, um, I was just wondering if Would you go to my birthday party? No pressure.
Just if you want to, of course.
I think I want to, but it depends.
On what? Will there be balloons? And it begins.
When do the "save the date" magnets go out? Well, I, for one, am proud of Jason for dipping his toe into the foreign waters of mature relationships.
And I, for one, would much rather hear about Tina - and her faux Billy Joe? - Hmm.
So what's it like dating someone who pretends to be someone who won a Grammy? Yeah, I gotta put an end to that.
What? You said you liked Ethan, that he's simple and sweet.
But stace, he mascaras up and fronts a fake band.
He's in a cover band, babe, third lowest form of band.
Wedding band, kids' band, cover band.
Come on, nobody is perfect.
Trust me, when I started dating Eric, I had to overlook his band.
Black scientist was banging.
You loved us.
Honestly, not so much.
You told me we were great.
I said you were great.
Look, sometimes when you start dating, you tell little lies.
But we're way past that now, and I can be honest, and honestly, your slow jam cover of hey-ya still comes to me in dreams as a harbinger of the apocalypse.
Huh, okay.
Look, all I'm saying is, don't give up on Ethan so easily.
Don't be shallow.
I'm not being shallow, I just know what I hate.
But okay, fine, I'll give it a shot.
Maybe he does the whole cover band thing as a hobby.
Maybe he does it ironically.
So you're really into this whole green day thing, huh? Yeah, I live like Billy Joe as much as possible.
Okay, look, Ethan, you're great, but I just, uh Excuse me, can you stop playing green day for a second? I'm trying to tell you something kinda nice but ultimately mean.
This? It's not green day.
This is just something I made up.
Oh.
Huh.
That's really pretty, do you guys ever play original songs like that? Rehearsal time.
Lose the groupie.
Yeah, lose the groupie.
Stay, teen, I'll sing to you.
Hmm.
Oh, you look sharp, boss.
Like Ellen DeGeneres.
Maybe you'll find your Portia De Rossi tonight.
Thanks, I think.
Uh, okay, I need to find a birthday present.
Just something funny and inexpensive.
Perhaps a glow-in-the-dark condom? Always humorous.
It makes your man-bone look like a lightsaber.
Cool.
Okay, um, I think I'll go with one of the scratch-off lottery tickets, oh, a tree air freshener.
Yellow tree is my favorite.
It smells like a good stripper.
What does bad stripper smell like? - Brown.
- Huh.
Oh, nice, yeah.
Think I'll take one of these chocolate virgin Marys.
I mean, I think she's gonna think this is funny.
Is this funny, right? Hilarious.
$7.
85.
Shuh! Shh! Shh! Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh! Oh.
That was like, uh, sex with a librarian.
Oh, that was kind of amazing.
Well, I'm glad it was for you, babe, but honestly, it wasn't great for me.
Really? Yeah, it's just, I don't love when you're on top the entire time.
I feel super-submissive and amish, like a female amish person.
But you always say you like it when I drive us home.
I know, but we're past those little lies now, right, babe? Mwa.
I'm gonna get some water.
So this isn't intimidating at all.
Don't be scared, most of them are vegan.
Mmm, I'm not.
Oh, never trust the carnivore.
I learned that the hard way.
- Oh yeah? - Yeah, this is, uh, a prosthetic, actually, a lion ate my leg, and my dream of being on America's next best dance crew.
He is funny.
Yeah.
I talked you up.
Oh, wow.
I've never been to a party where I've been talked up.
It's a good thing I exfoliated.
You having fun? Yeah, this is just like high school.
Who wants to feel me up under the bleachers? What's sexier, Greg, this Or this? They're both super-sexy, rob.
Guys, what should the closer be? Time of your life, like always.
It's a no-brainer.
Yeah, but it's so sad.
Maybe we should try something new, happier.
Uh, something new sounds interesting.
Have you guys ever thought about playing original songs? Ethan was playing something before that sounded really great.
Oh, when I said new, I meant like a new green day song.
We play green day songs.
Yeah, you're in a cover band, I totally got that, but maybe you could also be in, like, a band-band? Not interested.
See, we're not like the thousands of other Brooklyn groups, we actually play music to pay our bills.
We don't also have to bartend and give sports massages.
But why not try something new? I mean, I never liked rompers, and then one day I tried one, now I'm romping all around town.
Look, Ethan's song is really good, you guys.
I'm sure if you worked on it, you could be better than green day.
Have you ever listened to dookie in its entirety on really good headphones? - No.
- Then you are an idiot.
- Hey.
- It's a statement of fact.
Okay, the tool in the tank top just called me an idiot, so perhaps this is assign from God I should be going.
Wait.
Tina's right, you guys, can't we try one original, as an encore? Fine.
Waste of time, but fine.
You should listen to dookie, though.
Okay, it is present time.
Oh.
Is that for me? - Yeah.
- It's very nice wrapping.
Yeah, you know, I'm bad with tape.
Let's see.
Huh.
Um, thanks.
Wow, it's beautiful, really.
Uh, yeah, it's It's a goof gift, you know? Like, I'm not saying you smell bad, or need religion, or, uh, luck.
Come on, let's scratch it off, see what Oh.
All right.
- Yay.
- Oh, my God.
Whoa.
You just You just actually won $8.
That's like it's like an almond croissant, or something, at, like, a fancy cafe.
Uh.
Ugh.
We are never gonna write a better song than green day.
Clearly.
It's like the home brewer trying to make better beer than Budweiser.
Oh.
Jesus, I am not the cheerleader type, but firecracker.
Firecracker, bitches! You guys are amazing musicians and you are in a cover band.
We live in a city with an amazing music scene, don't you want to be a part of it? Well, don't you? Whatever.
Show of hands, time of your life is and will forever be a green day cover band.
Aye.
Aye.
Aye.
Girl loses, music wins, taco time.
Mmm.
Sorry, babe.
It was a great speech, though.
We tried, right? Well, I'm gonna go take a shower.
Want to join? It was a silly gift, what's the big deal? Maybe she was hoping for something with some actual meaning.
There was, I was meaning to be funny.
You don't get it.
Your gift was all, in quotes, "ironic," like, "I'm scared to express my feelings," so chocolate religious icons are "funny".
I got it.
I'll just go find the perfect gift.
Okay, we should go study, but can you toss your gum first? The way you smackity-chew, it honestly drives me crazy.
I gotta admit, when you told me to say your name, I was a little worried you meant Billy Joe.
Nah.
In bed I'm just Ethan.
Tell me more about Ethan.
Is he happy just playing green day songs? Yeah.
Ethan is pretty happy.
I love being Billy Joe.
I want to keep being more like him.
Well, the fact that you write original songs is massively Billy Joe-ish, 'cause Billy Joe You know what he does? He plays original songs that he writes.
So to be more like Billy Joe, I have to be less like Billy Joe? Exactly, but if rob and Greg keep trying to hold you back, then maybe it's time you go out on your own.
It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
Do people buy these ironically, or do they genuinely like them? Oy.
Hola.
Hear this? It's the sound of a cover band slowly dying.
Great, listen, I need your help.
Um, I kinda struck out with ness last night.
I bought her this goof gift, and not only did she not laugh, but she took it like I didn't really care.
So what should I get her? I don't know.
If all else fails, just get her the sparkliest thing you can afford.
Tina! You gotta hear this.
I gotta go be a muse.
I think I convinced Ethan to go solo.
Wait, I thought you were trying to accept him for who he is.
Yes, but I prefer to accept him for what he might be after I improve him.
Uh, babe, let's talk.
This honesty thing has been rough.
So why don't we try to get every honest complaint out of our systems in a constructive way, and, uh, move on.
- Um, me first? - Yes.
Okay, um, you know that thing you do when you're looking in the mirror, - that zoolander-y thing you do? - Oh, yeah.
Mmm.
Yeah.
Um, well, it kind of annoys me.
Well, I will try to monitor all blue-steeling in the future.
My turn? You snore on occasion.
Oh, okay, I will And there are solutions.
Uh, nasal strips, mouthpieces, it's like sleeping with Chewbacca.
Okay, great.
- Uh, all right.
- Yeah.
Well, um, you know that, uh, world of warcraft-ing all night? Where's the guy that reads books? You know, those things with words in them? Oh, I get that, because on the weekends, I'm like, "where's my girlfriend? "Oh, yeah, there she is, on the couch in the sweatpants she never takes off.
" What do you want me to wear? A cat suit? Anything that doesn't scream boring, post-menopausal soccer mom.
Boring? Okay, well, I honestly thought you were boring on our first date.
That's right, Jay had to convince me to give you a second chance.
- Okay.
- Wow.
'Cause that was one of the best nights of my life.
I'm gonna go get a beer.
So, guys, I've been doing some thinking, and my thoughts that I've been thinking is, I think I want to try playing out on my own.
Billy Joe never had a solo project.
- That's true.
- Stay strong.
Wow, sounds great, eeth.
Good luck.
But you're out of this band.
Greg and I need a Billy Joe who can commit, one who doesn't wear fake-ass tattoos.
- This one's real.
- We all agreed, no originals.
But I guess you're like this mascara.
It says it lengthens and thickens, but it only thickens.
It only thickens! Everybody lies! Not me, bro.
Good luck To you and yoko.
Yeah, that's me, yoko.
Right.
Yoko didn't know she was a yoko either until she stone-cold yoko-ed the Beatles.
Thanks for meeting me.
I'm sorry about my gift last night.
Clearly not a home run.
Really, I was just trying to be funny.
But, uh, here, I got you something serious.
Oh, no, you didn't have to do that.
It's That's very funny.
I do, okay.
Great joke, Jay.
Wait, wait, wait, ness.
Ness! What the hell? Don't worry, son, she'll come around.
I proposed four times before Helen finally said yes.
Ain't gonna try to win your heart this time What do you think? Kind of looks like an engagement ring to me.
Ugh! Dude, I keep screwing up, but I really like this girl.
So tell her that.
She hasn't told me she likes me.
What is this, third grade? She has to "like" like you first? And she did tell you when she invited you to her birthday.
Yeah, you're right.
Whoo! Hey, where are Stacey and ness? Okay.
While the rest of you are stumbling through a dark forest of sad feelings, I am sherpa-ing my man to self-realization.
Oh, here he comes now.
Hello, New York.
I hope you're having a good day.
Who wants your day to get a little more Ethan? All right.
That's good, it's good.
Sometimes you wake up and you look at your life all right.
And some And s and some Sorry.
Sorry.
And sometimes you think that - your life's not - So good Hold on.
I feel sad.
Yeah, can we look away? I'm getting hot neck.
I am yoko.
Jesus, I yoko-ed a cover band.
Hey.
How was the show? Um, as much as you hate black scientists, I'm pretty sure you'd think Ethan was worse.
Hey, can I tell you something? Yeah.
Look, I honestly love you, and I realized on our second date how awesome you were, and that you weren't boring on our first date, just nervous, which I love.
And that second date, honestly, it changed my life.
And I think this honesty thing sucks, so can we just go back to white lying to each other sometimes? I want to lie to you so bad, I'm gonna lie the hell out of you.
Mmm.
Ahh, I don't know.
Why would we take him back? We met two Billy Joes today, either of them would work.
One had a van.
Look, this wasn't Ethan's fault.
I pressured him into going solo.
That's big of her to say.
I mean, most yokos never own up to it.
He's back On one condition.
You and Ethan are over.
Yeah, okay.
It's for the best.
He deserves to be with a girl who loves him for the man he is.
Or at least the man he pretends to be several times a week.
Hi.
Hmm.
Before you, like, the door in my face can I speak in my defense? Okay, hum I totally blow it.
I was trying to be ironic and funny.
Probably because I was afraid to tell you how I actually feel.
Then, of course, I accidentally propose and The less I say about it better.
So Oh, my God, I just made in my pants.
I'm not kidding.
You know, this song was a lot better when I was drinking grain alcohol.
- Babe, tell me you don't love this.
- Oh, I love you.
It gets better with time.
Alexis is in town.
We're just good friends.
If you worry about it, Thanks, that was really nice.
Actually I am pretty nice.
Guess I'll have to get use it.