I Love Lucy (1951) s01e09 Episode Script
The Fur Coat
(I Love Lucy theme music plays) Lucy! I'm home! Lucy! (in high voice): Yoo-hoo! Where are you? I'm right here, dear.
Lucy, how you've changed! Yes, it's a new way I'm doing my hair.
Where is she, Fred? She's gone to market.
Oh, well, I'm glad to see that you're finally fixing that drain.
What do you mean, finally? When was the first time you told me this drain leaked? The day after we moved here- August That's right, and that's pretty good service for my building.
Fred, aren't you finished with that drain yet? Not quite.
Well, come on downstairs- dinner's ready.
Stop ordering me around, will you? Now, listen, Fred Mertz Come here.
Come in, Ethel.
I want to show you something.
Come in here.
You, too, curly.
FRED: All right, all right.
(gasps) Oh, a mink coat! Oh, Ricky, Lucy will just go out of her mind! I ought to slug you.
What are you trying to do- make a bum out of me? Don't blame that on him.
You were a bum before he was born.
Oh, yeah? Yeah! Hold it, hold it! This coat is not for Lucy.
It isn't? No.
Saved by the bell.
I just rented it.
One of the girls is going to wear it in a dance number down at the club.
Oh.
Well, don't show it to Lucy.
You know how she's always wanted a mink coat.
Yeah, I know, but she can't have this one.
You know how much this thing costs? I may faint! Ricky? Yes? Could I play like it's mine, just for a little while? Sure, come here, put it on.
Oh! Ooh! Be careful, now.
Don't wrinkle it.
I won't.
And don't get attached to it, Miss Minnie Mink.
Oh, I can dream, can't I? Hi, everybody! ALL: Hi! Ethel, a mink coat! When did you get it? Uh Just now.
But from whom? Him.
Fred! Oh, uh, wasn't that generous of old fat Fred? Oh, my goodness, yes! What was the occasion, Fred? Oh, I just thought it was about time to buy the old battle-ax the-the little woman a trinket of some kind, so I picked up that bunch of skins.
Oh, bunch of skins.
Isn't he wonderful? Oh, Ethel you look so beautiful and so glamorous.
Honey, look, I got something to tell you.
Don't talk to me, you tightwad! Lucy! It's a pity you couldn't buy me a coat if he could buy one for her.
How can you stand there and laugh when I feel so awful? You know I've always wanted a mink coat, and now she (sobs) she (wailing) Oh, Lucy! (door slams, Lucy crying) Oh, I'm sorry, Ricky.
That's all right, Ethel.
I'll straighten it out.
(chuckling) Lucy! (crying) Honey! Honey, don't cry.
Let me explain.
Don't bother.
Oh, honey, I'm trying to tell you that coat doesn't belong to Ethel.
It's all right.
I can wear this ratty old cloth coat for another four It doesn't? No, I brought the coat home.
Ethel was just trying it on.
Oh, honey, you big, wonderful husband.
Wait, wait! Honey, you don't understand, honey! Yes, I do understand.
You were just making a big joke with me.
Now, honey Where's my coat? It's mine.
Oh, it's mine, Ethel! Oh, isn't it beautiful? It's just dreamy.
Honey, honey, wait.
Before you get too excited, honey, it's something I have to tell you.
What? Well, honey, you see You know what's wonderful about this present, Ricky? You didn't forget our anniversary.
Well, look, honey, I It's the most perfect present.
How did you know it was just what I wanted, honey? Well, honey, you see, what I was I only I had a hunch you'd like it.
Oh, you had a hunch.
And you two sly ones in on the joke all the time.
Yeah.
Happy anniversary.
Thank you! Ricky, I'm so in love with this coat that I'm never going to take it off.
Never, never, never! Come on, Ethel, let's see how I look in the full-length mirror.
Come on! Okay.
Come on, already! All right.
Why didn't you tell her the truth? If I tell her the truth it'd get me in worse hot water- forgetting our anniversary.
I should have brought her something.
You brought her something now, brother.
She can't keep it.
I got to get it back somehow.
How? She's never going to take it off! "Never, never, never!" She's got to take it off when she goes to bed.
Hey! I'll sneak it away during the night.
I'll open a few drawers, mess things up a little bit and I'll tell her it was stolen by a burglar.
(chortles) Hey, you got something up there.
How'd you ever get an idea like that? It's easy- I think of it in Spanish and then I translate it into English.
(door opens) (fakes snoring) Wh-what happened? Nothing, honey.
Go back to sleep.
Lucy! Yes? What are you doing? Washing dishes.
Washing dishes! Ricky, anything wrong, dear? Wrong? Oh, no, honey, no.
Good.
No, there's nothing wrong.
I'm going in and get dressed.
I want to go downtown to show my coat off to everybody.
All right.
Lucy You see, it's not for me.
It's just that I want everybody to realize what a wonderful, wonderful husband I have.
Anybody home? Come in, Fred.
I gather from the look on your face that Lucy is still attached to that coat.
I'm beginning to think that the coat is attached to Lucy.
I don't know what to do, Fred.
The show is tomorrow.
I got to get that coat back tonight or else.
Well, you got any ideas? No.
But there must be some way.
I got it! What? It's simple! Just tell her there was an epidemic of sick minks last year and one of the bad skins slipped past the fur inspector.
What? Sure.
And you have to have that coat fumigated.
Otherwise, she might break out with a very bad case of mink pox.
Mink's pox? Yeah, and it sounds even worse with your accent.
Now look, Fred, never mind, I don't like that.
Look, you remember the idea I had about the burglar? Yeah.
All right, the burglar is going to show up tonight.
What? Tonight when we sound sleep, a phony burglar is going to come in here and demand that coat at the point of a gun.
Hey, that's wonderful! Besides, there's been a burglar scare in the neighborhood lately.
Yeah, that's what gave me the idea.
Do you suppose she'll think he's a phony? Not if you cover your face with a mask.
That's a good idea.
Hey, wait a minute, now.
I draw the line at prowling around in other people's apartments in the middle of the night.
Now, look, Fred.
Uh let's look at it this way.
If you don't do it, Lucy will keep the coat.
Yeah.
Now, Ethel wants everything that Lucy gets.
Yeah.
So pretty soon, you will have to buy Ethel All right, what time do you want me to break in? (door opens) (rattling of drawers) Hey, what kept you? You're late.
Stick them up! Ouch! What are you doing with that thing? Come on, let's wake her up.
I said stick them up! Stop fooling around with that gun.
Why do you have to ham it up all over the joint all the time? Come on.
Now, listen, you stay right here until I wake her up.
Shh.
Lucy! What? I got a feeling there's somebody else in this room besides us.
Really? Yeah.
(screaming) Hands up and keep them up! What's in this box? Please, Mr.
Burglar, take our money, take our jewels but don't take my wife's mink coat.
It's worth 3,500 bucks oh! Is that real mink? No, no, it's mink-dyed imitation skunk.
Eww! Smells awful, you wouldn't want it.
Hand it over.
No, no, no! No, no! Hand me that coat.
No, you can't have it.
No! Give me that coat.
No! Lady! Hand over that coat or I'll shoot.
Wait a minute.
Okay, go ahead and shoot.
Look, lady, I don't want to get nasty.
Hand me that coat.
No! Ricky, do something.
All right, honey.
Listen, you, are you really going to shoot us if we don't give you this coat? Yeah.
(screams) My hero! Honey, your life is worth much more to me than a hunk of fur.
(rattling) What's that? A ladder! Hey, there's something screwy about this joint.
I'm getting out of here.
Hey, you forgot the coat! Ricky, are you crazy?! Give me that! What's the matter with you?! Honey, be careful.
I'm going to call the police.
Be careful.
Stick them up! (screams) Pretty good, eh, Rick? Oh, you've already been here.
I have? I have not! Y- y-you mean that that that guy was real? What do you mean? There was a real burglar here a minute ago.
Oh, no! Yes! Come on, let's go catch him.
I don't want to catch him.
What are you afraid of? You've got a gun.
I don't think I'd better use it on him.
Why not? Good morning, Lucy.
Hello.
What's the matter with you? Oh.
Gee, I thought you'd be happy this morning.
Believe me, I'd be happy if a burglar came and didn't get my mink coat.
Well, I'm happy about that, but I'm so disappointed in Ricky.
Ethel, I'm married to a coward.
Are you still moping 'cause Ricky didn't struggle with an armed burglar? Well, you should have seen it.
Ricky gave him the coat.
I'm surprised he didn't gift wrap it for him.
Oh Well, the way Ricky was acting, it's good the burglar didn't come in and ask for me.
Now, Lucy.
I'm sure Ricky would have been brave if he'd known it was a real burglar.
(gasps) Uh I think I hear Fred calling me.
Ethel, what are you saying? What do you mean- real burglar? Uh nothing, just, uh Ethel, what did you start to say? Well, I might as well tell you.
It's better than your thinking Ricky is a coward, anyway.
Was it a real burglar or wasn't it? It really was, but Ricky thought it was Fred.
Fred? Yes, that's why he didn't try to fight him.
Well, why would Fred pretend to be a burglar? Uh I can't tell you any more.
Lucy! Please! I'm not a yo-yo! Ethel, I want the whole story.
All right, your honor.
Well, you see, Ricky didn't intend to give you the coat.
He just rented it to use for a dancing number down at the club.
You mean this isn't my coat? No, honey.
Oh But at least you know Ricky isn't a coward.
How do you like that? All this time he let me go on thinking this was my coat.
I've been living in a mink's paradise.
Now, Lucy, don't get upset.
Oh, I'm going to get even with him if it's the last thing I do.
I ought to carve my initials in it with an electric razor.
Ohh! What are you going to do? You know that costume store downtown where they sell imitation fur coats? Yeah.
Well, I'm going down there today and I'm going to get a coat exactly like this.
And tonight when Ricky comes home Lucy, this is a pretty poor imitation.
Don't you think Ricky will know it isn't real mink? Well, honey, I will, but I don't think Ricky will.
You know how men are.
Yeah.
I've got this thing fixed so it'll scare him to death.
Now, when we go out there, this is what I want you to do.
Have you figured out how to get the coat away from her? Yup.
How? I'm going to tell her the truth.
Gosh, I hadn't thought of that.
But what of the anniversary? I'll get her a couple of minks and let her raise her own coat.
Hiya, fellas! RICKY: Hi, girls.
FRED: Ethel, what are you doing in that coat? I asked her to put it on.
I want to take a look at it.
I'm thinking of restyling it.
Restyling it? Yeah, I think I look better in a short jacket, don't you, Ethel? Uh-huh.
What are you cutting? What are you cutting!? What are you cutting? Oh, no! No, no, no! (babbling in Spanish) Just a minute.
Oh, no, no, it's terrible! They've gone crazy.
Crazy they've gone, both of them.
You know what I think? I think that it's unbalanced.
I think it needs shorter sleeves.
No, please, please.
Please don't cut it no more.
Please Oh! look at that.
Well, it'll make a nice muff.
Hey, look at me, I'm a fur stylist! Oh no, no! Oh, no, no.
There you are.
Congratulations, Ethel.
You're the first woman to ever wear a mink T-shirt.
Look, Ricky.
Ohh! How do you like it? It's darling.
Ricky sent it to me at noon and at 3:00, these came, and at 5:00, this arrived.
Oh! Isn't it dreamy? Yeah.
Even though you didn't get a mink coat, I think you did pretty well for your anniversary.
So do I, considering it wasn't our anniversary.
Lucy, what do you mean? Well, whenever there's a good present in sight, I always tell Ricky it's our anniversary.
Oh, no! When is your anniversary? It's on, um uh Well, how do you like that? I've fibbed about it so much and now I've forgotten.
(doorknob jiggles) Ricky, darling, I just love the things you sent! I'm glad, honey.
You know, I actually ordered all these things for your anniversary last week but, uh, the store forgot to send them.
Really? Yes- happy anniversary, Lucy.
Happy anniversary, darling.
(I Love Lucy theme music plays) WGBH access.
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Lucy, how you've changed! Yes, it's a new way I'm doing my hair.
Where is she, Fred? She's gone to market.
Oh, well, I'm glad to see that you're finally fixing that drain.
What do you mean, finally? When was the first time you told me this drain leaked? The day after we moved here- August That's right, and that's pretty good service for my building.
Fred, aren't you finished with that drain yet? Not quite.
Well, come on downstairs- dinner's ready.
Stop ordering me around, will you? Now, listen, Fred Mertz Come here.
Come in, Ethel.
I want to show you something.
Come in here.
You, too, curly.
FRED: All right, all right.
(gasps) Oh, a mink coat! Oh, Ricky, Lucy will just go out of her mind! I ought to slug you.
What are you trying to do- make a bum out of me? Don't blame that on him.
You were a bum before he was born.
Oh, yeah? Yeah! Hold it, hold it! This coat is not for Lucy.
It isn't? No.
Saved by the bell.
I just rented it.
One of the girls is going to wear it in a dance number down at the club.
Oh.
Well, don't show it to Lucy.
You know how she's always wanted a mink coat.
Yeah, I know, but she can't have this one.
You know how much this thing costs? I may faint! Ricky? Yes? Could I play like it's mine, just for a little while? Sure, come here, put it on.
Oh! Ooh! Be careful, now.
Don't wrinkle it.
I won't.
And don't get attached to it, Miss Minnie Mink.
Oh, I can dream, can't I? Hi, everybody! ALL: Hi! Ethel, a mink coat! When did you get it? Uh Just now.
But from whom? Him.
Fred! Oh, uh, wasn't that generous of old fat Fred? Oh, my goodness, yes! What was the occasion, Fred? Oh, I just thought it was about time to buy the old battle-ax the-the little woman a trinket of some kind, so I picked up that bunch of skins.
Oh, bunch of skins.
Isn't he wonderful? Oh, Ethel you look so beautiful and so glamorous.
Honey, look, I got something to tell you.
Don't talk to me, you tightwad! Lucy! It's a pity you couldn't buy me a coat if he could buy one for her.
How can you stand there and laugh when I feel so awful? You know I've always wanted a mink coat, and now she (sobs) she (wailing) Oh, Lucy! (door slams, Lucy crying) Oh, I'm sorry, Ricky.
That's all right, Ethel.
I'll straighten it out.
(chuckling) Lucy! (crying) Honey! Honey, don't cry.
Let me explain.
Don't bother.
Oh, honey, I'm trying to tell you that coat doesn't belong to Ethel.
It's all right.
I can wear this ratty old cloth coat for another four It doesn't? No, I brought the coat home.
Ethel was just trying it on.
Oh, honey, you big, wonderful husband.
Wait, wait! Honey, you don't understand, honey! Yes, I do understand.
You were just making a big joke with me.
Now, honey Where's my coat? It's mine.
Oh, it's mine, Ethel! Oh, isn't it beautiful? It's just dreamy.
Honey, honey, wait.
Before you get too excited, honey, it's something I have to tell you.
What? Well, honey, you see You know what's wonderful about this present, Ricky? You didn't forget our anniversary.
Well, look, honey, I It's the most perfect present.
How did you know it was just what I wanted, honey? Well, honey, you see, what I was I only I had a hunch you'd like it.
Oh, you had a hunch.
And you two sly ones in on the joke all the time.
Yeah.
Happy anniversary.
Thank you! Ricky, I'm so in love with this coat that I'm never going to take it off.
Never, never, never! Come on, Ethel, let's see how I look in the full-length mirror.
Come on! Okay.
Come on, already! All right.
Why didn't you tell her the truth? If I tell her the truth it'd get me in worse hot water- forgetting our anniversary.
I should have brought her something.
You brought her something now, brother.
She can't keep it.
I got to get it back somehow.
How? She's never going to take it off! "Never, never, never!" She's got to take it off when she goes to bed.
Hey! I'll sneak it away during the night.
I'll open a few drawers, mess things up a little bit and I'll tell her it was stolen by a burglar.
(chortles) Hey, you got something up there.
How'd you ever get an idea like that? It's easy- I think of it in Spanish and then I translate it into English.
(door opens) (fakes snoring) Wh-what happened? Nothing, honey.
Go back to sleep.
Lucy! Yes? What are you doing? Washing dishes.
Washing dishes! Ricky, anything wrong, dear? Wrong? Oh, no, honey, no.
Good.
No, there's nothing wrong.
I'm going in and get dressed.
I want to go downtown to show my coat off to everybody.
All right.
Lucy You see, it's not for me.
It's just that I want everybody to realize what a wonderful, wonderful husband I have.
Anybody home? Come in, Fred.
I gather from the look on your face that Lucy is still attached to that coat.
I'm beginning to think that the coat is attached to Lucy.
I don't know what to do, Fred.
The show is tomorrow.
I got to get that coat back tonight or else.
Well, you got any ideas? No.
But there must be some way.
I got it! What? It's simple! Just tell her there was an epidemic of sick minks last year and one of the bad skins slipped past the fur inspector.
What? Sure.
And you have to have that coat fumigated.
Otherwise, she might break out with a very bad case of mink pox.
Mink's pox? Yeah, and it sounds even worse with your accent.
Now look, Fred, never mind, I don't like that.
Look, you remember the idea I had about the burglar? Yeah.
All right, the burglar is going to show up tonight.
What? Tonight when we sound sleep, a phony burglar is going to come in here and demand that coat at the point of a gun.
Hey, that's wonderful! Besides, there's been a burglar scare in the neighborhood lately.
Yeah, that's what gave me the idea.
Do you suppose she'll think he's a phony? Not if you cover your face with a mask.
That's a good idea.
Hey, wait a minute, now.
I draw the line at prowling around in other people's apartments in the middle of the night.
Now, look, Fred.
Uh let's look at it this way.
If you don't do it, Lucy will keep the coat.
Yeah.
Now, Ethel wants everything that Lucy gets.
Yeah.
So pretty soon, you will have to buy Ethel All right, what time do you want me to break in? (door opens) (rattling of drawers) Hey, what kept you? You're late.
Stick them up! Ouch! What are you doing with that thing? Come on, let's wake her up.
I said stick them up! Stop fooling around with that gun.
Why do you have to ham it up all over the joint all the time? Come on.
Now, listen, you stay right here until I wake her up.
Shh.
Lucy! What? I got a feeling there's somebody else in this room besides us.
Really? Yeah.
(screaming) Hands up and keep them up! What's in this box? Please, Mr.
Burglar, take our money, take our jewels but don't take my wife's mink coat.
It's worth 3,500 bucks oh! Is that real mink? No, no, it's mink-dyed imitation skunk.
Eww! Smells awful, you wouldn't want it.
Hand it over.
No, no, no! No, no! Hand me that coat.
No, you can't have it.
No! Give me that coat.
No! Lady! Hand over that coat or I'll shoot.
Wait a minute.
Okay, go ahead and shoot.
Look, lady, I don't want to get nasty.
Hand me that coat.
No! Ricky, do something.
All right, honey.
Listen, you, are you really going to shoot us if we don't give you this coat? Yeah.
(screams) My hero! Honey, your life is worth much more to me than a hunk of fur.
(rattling) What's that? A ladder! Hey, there's something screwy about this joint.
I'm getting out of here.
Hey, you forgot the coat! Ricky, are you crazy?! Give me that! What's the matter with you?! Honey, be careful.
I'm going to call the police.
Be careful.
Stick them up! (screams) Pretty good, eh, Rick? Oh, you've already been here.
I have? I have not! Y- y-you mean that that that guy was real? What do you mean? There was a real burglar here a minute ago.
Oh, no! Yes! Come on, let's go catch him.
I don't want to catch him.
What are you afraid of? You've got a gun.
I don't think I'd better use it on him.
Why not? Good morning, Lucy.
Hello.
What's the matter with you? Oh.
Gee, I thought you'd be happy this morning.
Believe me, I'd be happy if a burglar came and didn't get my mink coat.
Well, I'm happy about that, but I'm so disappointed in Ricky.
Ethel, I'm married to a coward.
Are you still moping 'cause Ricky didn't struggle with an armed burglar? Well, you should have seen it.
Ricky gave him the coat.
I'm surprised he didn't gift wrap it for him.
Oh Well, the way Ricky was acting, it's good the burglar didn't come in and ask for me.
Now, Lucy.
I'm sure Ricky would have been brave if he'd known it was a real burglar.
(gasps) Uh I think I hear Fred calling me.
Ethel, what are you saying? What do you mean- real burglar? Uh nothing, just, uh Ethel, what did you start to say? Well, I might as well tell you.
It's better than your thinking Ricky is a coward, anyway.
Was it a real burglar or wasn't it? It really was, but Ricky thought it was Fred.
Fred? Yes, that's why he didn't try to fight him.
Well, why would Fred pretend to be a burglar? Uh I can't tell you any more.
Lucy! Please! I'm not a yo-yo! Ethel, I want the whole story.
All right, your honor.
Well, you see, Ricky didn't intend to give you the coat.
He just rented it to use for a dancing number down at the club.
You mean this isn't my coat? No, honey.
Oh But at least you know Ricky isn't a coward.
How do you like that? All this time he let me go on thinking this was my coat.
I've been living in a mink's paradise.
Now, Lucy, don't get upset.
Oh, I'm going to get even with him if it's the last thing I do.
I ought to carve my initials in it with an electric razor.
Ohh! What are you going to do? You know that costume store downtown where they sell imitation fur coats? Yeah.
Well, I'm going down there today and I'm going to get a coat exactly like this.
And tonight when Ricky comes home Lucy, this is a pretty poor imitation.
Don't you think Ricky will know it isn't real mink? Well, honey, I will, but I don't think Ricky will.
You know how men are.
Yeah.
I've got this thing fixed so it'll scare him to death.
Now, when we go out there, this is what I want you to do.
Have you figured out how to get the coat away from her? Yup.
How? I'm going to tell her the truth.
Gosh, I hadn't thought of that.
But what of the anniversary? I'll get her a couple of minks and let her raise her own coat.
Hiya, fellas! RICKY: Hi, girls.
FRED: Ethel, what are you doing in that coat? I asked her to put it on.
I want to take a look at it.
I'm thinking of restyling it.
Restyling it? Yeah, I think I look better in a short jacket, don't you, Ethel? Uh-huh.
What are you cutting? What are you cutting!? What are you cutting? Oh, no! No, no, no! (babbling in Spanish) Just a minute.
Oh, no, no, it's terrible! They've gone crazy.
Crazy they've gone, both of them.
You know what I think? I think that it's unbalanced.
I think it needs shorter sleeves.
No, please, please.
Please don't cut it no more.
Please Oh! look at that.
Well, it'll make a nice muff.
Hey, look at me, I'm a fur stylist! Oh no, no! Oh, no, no.
There you are.
Congratulations, Ethel.
You're the first woman to ever wear a mink T-shirt.
Look, Ricky.
Ohh! How do you like it? It's darling.
Ricky sent it to me at noon and at 3:00, these came, and at 5:00, this arrived.
Oh! Isn't it dreamy? Yeah.
Even though you didn't get a mink coat, I think you did pretty well for your anniversary.
So do I, considering it wasn't our anniversary.
Lucy, what do you mean? Well, whenever there's a good present in sight, I always tell Ricky it's our anniversary.
Oh, no! When is your anniversary? It's on, um uh Well, how do you like that? I've fibbed about it so much and now I've forgotten.
(doorknob jiggles) Ricky, darling, I just love the things you sent! I'm glad, honey.
You know, I actually ordered all these things for your anniversary last week but, uh, the store forgot to send them.
Really? Yes- happy anniversary, Lucy.
Happy anniversary, darling.
(I Love Lucy theme music plays) WGBH access.
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