iCarly s01e09 Episode Script

And that totally proves That neither me or Sam can play the guitar.
Okay! Now it's time for a brand new segment here on iCarly.
Which we call the Blab Cam Actually, it's really called two-way high-speed video Well, we're calling it the Blab Cam, so get used to it.
Freddie, let's talk to someone.
Okay, we got a bunch of people waiting here.
Here's a guy all the way from Poland.
-What's up? -Hey, Poland! So take that, Poland.
Now let's try some viewers from this country.
Okay, here's a girl named Valerie from Seattle.
-Hi, there! -What's up, girl? Hey, you guys! My name's Valerie, long-time viewer, first-time Blab Cammer.
I just love iCarly.
-Awesome.
-Thanks a lot.
-You look kind of familiar.
-Have we seen you before? Yeah, I go to school with you guys.
I'm just one grade ahead of you.
Hey, is Freddie there? Can I see him? Why would a person wanna see Freddie? Right here, Valerie.
All right, can I just say I think you're insanely cute.
Yeah? Valerie, you might wanna check your webcam and your brain, 'cause I'm pretty sure one of them is malfunctioning.
Sam.
Hey, Valerie, since you think Freddie's cute, why don't you go on a date with him? Yeah, it's a new feature on iCarly which we call "Date The Dork.
" What do you say, Val? Well, I don't think Freddie's a dork, and I'd love to go on a date with him.
You won't be jealous? -I'll try to be strong.
-Yes! Okay, Valerie, just e-mail Freddie the address of the mental institution you're locked up in and he'll meet you there! In five, four, three, two I know, you see Somehow the world will change for me And be so wonderful Live life, breathe air I know somehow we're gonna get there And feel so wonderful It's all for real I'm telling you just how I feel So wake up the members of my nation It's your time to be There's no chance unless you take one And the time to see The brighter side of every situation Some things are meant to be So give your best and leave the rest to me Leave it all to me Leave it all to me Just leave it all to me iCarly S01E09 iWant to Date Freddie So, you gonna kiss her? I'm not even sure I should take her out.
Just take the girl out, kiss her, then step back before she pukes.
I got it.
Freddie! Come in? -Mom, what are you doing -I am so proud of you.
I can't believe it's finally happening.
Your first date! -Mom.
-And with a girl! Mom! We're all in shock.
How'd you know about the date? I was watching iCarly online.
I didn't know you watched our show.
I always watch because I've been worried about your posture.
It seems somebody forgot our little rule.
-What rule? -Just skip it, all right? Freddie, tell her the rule about standing up straight.
You won't get respect if your back's not erect.
And I already have the perfect outfit for you to wear on the date.
I'm not even sure if I'm going on this date.
-You're going.
-Yes, you are.
But what if she's not There is a living, breathing girl out there who wants to go out with you.
This may never happen again.
Unless Carly changes her mind.
Yeah, Freddie and I are just buds.
-I totally understand.
-Thank you.
Why won't you love my son? -Mom! -I'm sorry.
Anyway, I already have the whole date planned out.
First I'm gonna cook a lovely fat-free dinner, and then we're gonna look at your baby pictures.
Freddie had the cutest little bottom.
Okay, I'll give you $1,000 for one picture of Freddie's butt.
Mrs Benson, we already told Freddie he could have his date here.
Why here? 'Cause my brother's an amazing cook.
Yeah, and he promised to make us his special Spaghetti tacos.
What? Noodles can't live happily in a hard corn shell? When I'm cooking, I'm cooking things Cooking things for people to eat I'm cooking, I'm cooking things Things that people will chew Mom, will you stop it? -But I'm not done fluffing your hair! -Yes, you are! How many times have I told you not to yank electrical cords? -Mom, I don't need you to -I'm gonna go plug this back in and when I come back, that hair will be fluffed.
Hurry! There.
All right, now, when Valerie gets here, I need you guys -Freddie! Listen to me! -Stop it! -I'm fluffing your hair! -Stop it! -Bye, Mom! -Freddie! Okay, what up with that outfit? My mom made me go shopping at The Wild Wild Vest.
-You got my back-up clothes? -Upstairs.
Help me.
Hey, Spence, can I talk to you seriously for a sec? Need a little first date advice? -Couldn't hurt.
I'm a little nervous.
-Just be yourself.
Talk about stuff you like.
And if I run out of things to say? Then just stare into her eyes and say nothing.
That'll make you seem all cool and mysterious.
She'll be, like, hypnotised.
Yeah, I don't really think that works.
'Cause, I mean, if I don't say anything, won't she think I'm Won't she think Won't she just What doesn't really work? -All right, we got your clothes.
-Good.
I'll go change in the -It's Valerie.
-Sam, stall her.
-Freddie, take off the stupid clothes.
-Right! Hey, Valerie, how goes it? I'm great.
Is Freddie here,'cause I've been thinking -I said to stall her.
-She is stalled.
I slammed the door right in her face.
All right, okay.
I'm fine.
-I am good.
Give me my jacket.
-Cool.
-There you go.
-Right.
All right.
How do I look? -Well -Sam.
You look great.
Just -There.
-Okay, thanks.
Okay, there Come on.
All right, fine.
My hair's fine.
Just stop it.
-Let me fix your hair.
-You're just like my mother! -Okay, fine! -Thank you! Come on, let's go upstairs.
Wait, but I just really wanna Okay.
Hi.
You're not gonna slam the door in my face, are you? -Of course not.
Come on in.
-Thanks.
So this is really where you guys do iCarly from? This is the place.
I live across the hall there.
Mr Freddie, Miss Valerie, I will be your server this evening.
May I take your fuchsia jacket? Sure.
And how about some music? -Great.
-Awesome.
Perhaps another selection at a lower volume.
Now, let's see if I can figure this out.
What are you trying to And this should give us picture.
Sam! How'd you I set up one of Freddie's little webcams -and aimed it at the table.
-But that's spying.
We can't spy on Freddie while he's on his first date! This is a really good spaghetti taco.
We are bad people.
So the rabbi says to the nurse, "Why even have a three chip hi-def camcorder "if you can't calibrate the white balance?" You know, I have never met anyone who's so funny and who knows so much about audio and video.
Hey, nobody knows audio and video like Freddie-o.
Would you care to see a dessert menu? -Sure.
-Sounds good.
I guess we'll have the pudding.
I'm sorry, we're out of the pudding.
So who helps you with all the technical stuff on iCarly? Nobody.
Just me.
Amazing.
It looks so cool online.
-Good berries.
-Well, it's berry season.
I did not know that.
Yep, we've gone out together every night this week so far.
I'd say we're almost officially boyfriend and girlfriend.
So which one are you? Have you kissed her yet? -Maybe, a little.
-No way.
Did she puke? Wait, wait, was it this kind of kiss Or was it more like Hey, Jeremy.
Hi, Jeremy.
Still got that cold, huh? Yeah.
Hey, you coming to the computer expo this weekend? No, I can't.
I'm going roller skating with Valerie.
Well, maybe we Geez.
I think I just sprained my throat.
-Great seeing you.
-Bye, Jeremy.
Man, I don't think I have ever seen that kid when he wasn't sneezing and Wasn't there a dork next to me? -Hey, you.
-Hey, baby.
-So, Freddie -So, Val Remember when we were on our first date, and you were telling me how much fun it is doing a webcast? -Yeah, sure.
-I wanna do one.
Really? Well, you should.
It's a lot of fun.
Well, yeah, but I know, like, nothing about all the techie stuff, so I was just thinking You wanna do it with me? You mean, you and me do a webcast together? We could do one every week starting tomorrow night.
But tomorrow night is when I do iCarly.
-Well, okay.
-But I'll help you any other night.
No, no, thanks.
I really wanna do it tomorrow night.
But Carly and Sam are my friends.
I can't just bail on them.
From what you told me, Sam's not your friend.
You said she's always calling you names and putting you down.
I know, but she can't help it.
She's just naturally vicious.
And doesn't she always call you a "button-pushing monkey"? And tell you how you're not important to the show? -Yeah.
But -Whatever, don't worry about it.
I can just find someone else to help me.
Hey, wait.
I guess I guess Carly and Sam can find another tech producer.
Now that's my Freddie Bear.
She kissed you.
And she's not even your mom.
Impressive.
Hey, I got your text message, so -Freddie quit! -Quit what? Sucking his thumb? -He quit iCarly! -What? -By e-mail! -He can't quit.
What's wrong with that little punk? I don't know! I didn't wanna talk to him without you! -Let's go slap some sense into that boy! -Thank you! Freddie! -Freddie, open the door.
-Open up.
-Come on, open the door.
-We need to talk to you right now.
Freddie's not here.
I'm just a lady.
-What are you doing? -Picking the lock.
How are you gonna pick the lock with a hair Oh, like that.
Come here, Freddie! Leave me alone, Sam! Sam? What are you gonna That was assault! -Why are you quitting iCarly? -Yeah, why? Well,'cause'Cause maybe I don't like the way Sam treats me.
-Come on.
-Yeah, she's always putting me down and calling me mean names, and every time I get an ice cream cone she takes it and she licks it.
She just licks it all over the place just to bug me! Great, now what's the real reason? Okay.
Valerie wants to do a web show and she asked me to be her tech producer.
So you're just gonna ditch iCarly for another web show? That's competing against us? Valerie's my girlfriend.
What am I supposed to do? Dump the chick! How about that? You know, you guys were the ones who talked me into going out with her in the first place, and now I'm the bad guy? -Look, Freddie, you better just -Stop.
He's right.
He should help his girlfriend.
Thanks.
And I wasn't gonna leave you guys with no help.
I got you guys a new tech producer.
-If you want him.
-Who? He's really good with the tech stuff.
Who? In five Four Three In five, four, three, two, one.
I'm Carly.
I'm Sam.
And this is And this is And this is iCarly! Now, we'd like to welcome aboard a new member of the iCarly team Our new technical producer, Jeremy.
Or as we like to call him, Germy.
I got some spittle on the lens.
Just wipe it off, Jeremy.
Okay, this is another new segment on iCarly, which we like to call "Animals Dressed Like Other Animals.
" Okay! First up, we have a dog dressed like a pig! -I'll go get him! -You do that, Carls! We'd like to thank our friend Robin for letting us borrow her wiener dog.
This is for you, Robin.
And thanks to my brother Spencer for letting us use his novelty pig parts.
-I'm allergic to pigs.
-It's not a pig, it's a wiener dog! How can you confuse Robin's wiener dog with a pig? I need a tissue.
Okay! We're gonna wrap up the show a little early tonight So join us next week -Or not -Here at iCarly.
Com.
-Maybe.
Bye.
-Bye.
And we're clear.
-Hi, Sam.
-Hey.
I watched iCarly the other night.
Yikes.
I don't need your review, all right? -Hey, don't be mad at me.
-No, I will be mad at you.
You stole Freddie and that hurt our show.
Sam, you don't need iCarly.
What do you mean, I don't -Come do my show with me.
-What? Come on, iCarly's gonna crash and burn without Freddie.
I mean, duh.
You know, Carly happens to be my friend.
Then why isn't your web show called "Carly and Sam"? Why is it called iCarly? She didn't come up with the name.
Freddie did and we all like it.
Well, if you were my co-host, I'd call our show "Val and Sam.
" Maybe even "Sam and Val.
" If you like that.
This is a serious offer? -Oh, yeah.
-You, me and Freddie.
And we'll knock Carly Shay right off the Internet.
And then, in a couple of years, we could have the most popular show on the web.
-I bet we could.
-That was the plan all along.
You've got a devious little brain.
I like that.
I thought you might.
Let's talk tomorrow.
Absolutely.
And don't say anything.
We don't want Carly to know about this.
Believe me, I won't.
She what? That skunkbag tried to steal me, too! She wants to ruin iCarly so she can have the hottest show on the web.
Oh, my God.
She's just using Freddie.
Yeah, and now she's trying to use me.
-That little -Say it.
I don't like to say it, Spencer says it's not lady-like.
-Say it.
-That skunkbag! -Feels good, doesn't it? -Yeah, it does! -We gonna go tell Freddie? -Yeah, we are! -Can we get a smoothie first? -No, we cannot! You're talking about my girlfriend! She's not your girlfriend.
She's just using you.
Then I enjoy being used! Hey, Carly, there's a little girl on the phone.
You wanna buy some Girl Sprout cookies? -No, thanks.
-No, thanks.
Huh? You gotta believe us.
She tried to get me to be on her web show, too! -You're lying! -I don't lie! Yeah, Sam may be obnoxious and irresponsible, but she doesn't lie! You know I love you.
She says if you buy 10 boxes, you get a dollar off.
I don't want any Girl Sprout cookies.
She really doesn't want any cookies.
Huh? Fine, I'll go ask Valerie myself.
She's not gonna tell you the truth.
She said, "No, thank you.
" -Valerie's using you! -She is not! -She is! -We don't want your cookies! Believe us! We've been your friends way longer than she has! How many times do I have to say "no"? Wait, how much for the Twin Mints? -How long till we go on? -Seven minutes.
Where's Germy? In the bathroom.
He brought special nose plugs that are supposed to keep snot from dripping out of his nostrils.
Charming.
Here he comes.
Let's just get ready to do the show.
Here I am.
I put in the nose plugs.
They should keep me from Where'd my right plug go? Don't.
I'm I'm sorry.
I can't I gotta go home! -Now what? -We can't do the show without someone doing the tech stuff.
Hi.
You were right.
Valerie admitted she tried to steal me? Yeah.
She even tried to get me to talk you into doing her show.
You guys were right about her.
She's a skunksack.
Bag.
What'd you do? -Broke up with her.
-I'm sorry.
It's cool.
Well, come on! Let's do a butt-kicking web show.
That'll take your mind off of it.
Totally! Look, I know we haven't rehearsed it with you, but I didn't say I'd come back to iCarly.
-Yeah, but -You said Valerie admitted That doesn't mean that she was wrong when she said you guys don't treat me like I'm important to the show.
I always tell you how important you are! Yeah.
You do.
Tell him he's just as important to the show as we are.
Why don't you just make me drink out of a toilet? Tell him.
Freddie, you're just as important to iCarly as we are.
She gave me a wedgie! No charge.
Now come on, let's do the show.
-Hey.
-Hi, Spencer.
-You guys rocked tonight.
-You saw our show? Yeah, I watched it over at my buddy Socko's house.
You have a friend named Socko? Yeah, he's the one who sells me all the cool socks.
So I thought Freddie quit the I'm back on iCarly.
-As our permanent technical producer.
-Good.
Hey, so what's Valerie gonna do about her show? I think it's probably still on.
-Well, go to her site! -Hurry.
Okay, okay, calm down.
I'm going.
So now, if you'll look at the monitor above me, you will see a video of my family's recent trip to Idaho, home of the potato.
Why won't it play? I don't see why it's not playing -Is she okay? -Yeah, yeah, she's getting up.
I don't know what to do now.
I do.
-Hey, people! -We need you to do something.
You have to do this.
We want you to make a crazy sandwich.
-Make an insane sandwich -And then take a picture of it And send that pic to us at iCarly.
Com.
And if your sandwich is crazy enough We'll put it on the iCarly homepage for the whole world to see.
So if you want to win "most insane sandwich ever" Go make a bizarro sandwich.
Take a pic of it And send that pic to us at iCarly.
Com.
-Do it.
-We want your sandwich pics.
And now Sam and I will make weird noises.