In Living Color (1990) s01e09 Episode Script

You can do what you wanna do In living color - In living color- You know what I'm sayin' You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon It's never too lateand it's never too soon Take it from meIt's a'ight to be In living color How would you feel knowingprejudice was obsolete And all mankind dancedto the exact beat - And at night it was safeto walk down the street - In living color You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color - Everybody here is equally kind - In living color - What's mine is yoursand what's yours is mine - In living color How would you feel knowingeverybody was your friend From thin to thickand through thick and thin And egotistical tripswas put to an end - In living color- You can do what you wanna do In living color - In living color- You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon It's never too lateand it's never too soon - Take it from me It's a'ight to be - In living color How would you feel knowingprejudice was obsolete And all mankind dancedto the exact beat - And at night it was safeto walk down the street - In living color You can do what you wanna do - In living color- [Applause, Cheering.]
Ladies and gentlemen, Keenan Ivory Wayans.
[Cheering, Applause.]
All right.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I'm Keenan Ivory Wayans, and this is In Living Color.
- Thanks for being here tonight.
Yeah.
- [Cheering, Applause.]
I'd like to say hello to all our new fans out there.
Thanks for tuning in.
We got a fun show tonight.
Before I get started, you know what to do, say hello to my D.
J.
, S.
W.
One.
[Cheering, Applause.]
Yeah.
And to the Fly Girls.
.
.
startin'over herewith Carrie Ann, Lisa, Cari, Michelle and Deidre.
- Yeah.
- [Applause, Cheering.]
I want you all to chill while we get ill.
Mr.
D.
J.
, do your thing.
Be right back.
You can do what you wanna do In living color [Hip Hop.]
Yo, yo, yo! Welcome to the Homeboy No-Money-Down Seminar.
That's right.
We gonna teach you how to get paid with absolutely no money down.
That's right.
I'm Willis, 'dis da Iceman.
- Chillin'! - Yo, our secret to success.
.
.
is right here in our new little booklet, How To Make Mo'MoneyWithout Using Yo'Money.
Might well you ask, "Whose money should I use?" Who got more money then they know what to do with? - The Gub-ment.
- That's right.
And in part one of our booklet, we gonna show you how to use that money from the government.
For example, did you know.
.
.
that food stamps cannot be used to buy alcoholic beverages? Hmm.
But how could I use that knowledge to work for me? I'm glad that you asked.
Let's look at the chart.
I go into a store and purchase a pack of beer for, let's say, $3.
99.
Or even less, depending on the security system.
And I trade it to some unscrupulous individual, such as this man right here.
For, let's say, $40-50 worth of food stamps.
- Uh-huh.
- Now, he's easy to find.
He might even be in your family.
And I take that money, and I find a little fat lady named LaQuita.
.
.
with about 15 children, and I trade it to her for $25.
What does that equal? Yo, here goes one of our many success stories.
Anton "Boom Boom"Geno.
$45,000 in three weeks.
Luther "Big Head"Jones.
$ 123,000 in six months.
Yo, our Mo' Money Seminar.
.
.
will teach you how to get over like Rover the Casanova.
That's right.
And in part three, we gonna show you how to dress for success.
Like, check out my man Willis here.
I know you're saying he looks pretty fly like it is, but add this little accessory right here.
.
.
Now he's got a look most businessmen just can't seem to say "No" to.
That's right.
But wait.
Hol-Hol-Hold on.
- You say, "Yo, homeboy.
" - What? - "Yo, homeboy.
" - "What?" - You drive a big Mercedes.
- Yes, I do.
How can I drive a big, crazy Mercedes too? Well, that's easy.
If you act now, we gonna send you our exclusive Mo' Money Valet Kit.
You just find yourself a nice, fancy restaurant, stand in front, throw on this red jacket, hold up this here sign, and you'll be amazed at how many people just walk up.
.
.
and give you a luxury car.
Yo, some of them will even tip you before turning over the keys.
- [Pounding.]
- [Man.]
FBI.
! Open up in there.
! Yo.
You know what that means.
We're moving locations.
That's right.
Yo, people are just banging on the doors trying to get into on our seminars.
So just send $50 to the Homeboys care of this station.
- See you next time.
- Peace.
[Pounding Continues.]
[Woman Singing.]
Hello, and welcome to America'sFunniest Security Camera Videos.
[Laughs.]
I'm Bob Saget.
I'd like to say hello to my daughter.
She's at home right now, throwing up with the flu.
[Laughs.]
And I hope they're taping it.
[Laughing.]
Only kidding.
I already have that on tape.
Anyway, as you know we get videos.
.
.
from security cameras installed all across the country.
Tonight we're gonna be taking a look at a video sent by Ali Bahad Camcar.
Ali works at a Lucky 11 convenience store.
.
.
and, boy, am I surprised.
[Laughing.]
Roll 'em.
[Saget.]
Just a typical night in the Lucky 11.
Little kid's buying a slushy,a cashier short-changing him, and plenty of surveillanceto cover the event.
[Laughing.]
Uh-Oh.
Company.
Hey, man! Ghandi, give me the money! - I'm sorry.
Business not too good today.
- Oh, yeah? - How is it now? - [Saget.]
That had to hurt.
! Give me.
.
.
Give me a chance to get it.
Open it, Roach Motel! - Take it.
- Thanks a lot, Mahatma.
- Ohhh! - [Saget Laughing.]
[Saget.]
Clean up on aisle five.
! Merry Christmas, mother.
.
.
[Beep Beep.]
[Saget Laughs.]
Wow.
Good thing those paper towelsare superabsorbent.
- Coppers! Lady, come here! - [Saget.]
Uh-oh.
- Stay there.
I'll kill her, man! - [Screaming.]
[Saget.]
She coulda been a hostage,but her heart wasn't in it.
- [Saget Laughing.]
- [Speaks, Indistinct.]
[Saget.]
Some days,itjust doesn't pay to be a crook.
[Saget Laughs.]
Ali, thanks for that hysterical videotape.
You're a very brave man and here's looking through you.
[Laughing.]
Stop me or I'll joke again! [Chuckles.]
See you all next week on America'sFunniest Security Camera Videos.
[Laughing.]
[Woman Singing.]
Ladies and gentlemen, the mostcontroversial female comedian: Andrea Dice Clay.
! [Cheering, Applause.]
[Audience Whooping.]
[Applause Dies Out.]
[Spits.]
Yeah.
You think that's easy to do when you're stacked like this? How the [Beep.]
are you doing? How do you like my jacket, huh? [Audience Members Howling.]
It's the story of my life.
I got more studs than I know what to do to with.
I'm telling you.
Guys can't get enough of me.
They're always saying, "Oh, baby.
Oh, baby.
I love you.
I need you.
" Bulls.
.
.
[Beep.]
.
Just gimme the goods and get outta here! I'm through with you! I was doing this guy in my dressing room.
.
.
before I came out here tonight.
He says to me, "You hurt my feelings.
" Well, excuse the [Beep.]
outta me.
All I says was, "Is that all there is, huh?" These [Beep Beep.]
guys think they're built.
.
.
like [Beep.]
-damned Adonis.
You know what I mean? Like this [Beep Beep.]
the other night.
He says to me.
.
.
[Chuckles.]
He says to me, "Let me know if I hurt you.
" If you hurt me? I says, " The last time I saw something that looked like that, it had an eraser on the end of it.
" [Man.]
Andrea Dice Clay.
.
.
at the Desert Innnow through July 15th.
If she doesn't cut 'em off,you'll laugh 'em off.
Yeah.
Eat [Beep Beep.]
[Cheering, Applause.]
[Hip-Hop.]
[Rapping.]
- Hey, mon! - [Caribbean Steel Drums.]
[Announcer.]
It's time foranother episode of Hey Mon, with that hardest-workingWest Indian family, the Headleys.
! [Caribbean Accent.]
This is your Captain speaking.
I'm also your baggage handler, ticket agent, head steward, navigator, towel boy, in-flight chiropractor.
.
.
and me own copilot to boot.
Welcome to Headley Airlines.
I and my family are working ourJamaican butts off.
.
.
to make your flight a pleasant one.
Say hello to your stewardess, cook, restroom attendant, rent-a-car agent, air-traffic controller and engine mechanic.
.
.
on the left aisle, my lovely daughter Margaret.
Hey, mon! Cap'n says to shove yourselves down.
All right.
Irie! And the rude boy serving the drinks is my lazy son, Byron.
Come here, boy.
What is this uniform? Where's your tan shirt and tie? Pop, you know me no wear no Yankee-style uniform.
- Plus, this uniform give me authority.
- Authority? Authority.
Authority? You look like Isaac from the Love Boat.
And we all know he hasn't had a job in a long time.
Put a drink up there and steer the plane while I take care of the passengers.
- [Mutters.]
- You lazy coconut blood clot.
Get out of my sight.
Hi, there.
How you doing there, tiger? - What a cute little fella you got there.
- Thank you.
- How old is he? - He's four.
- Four years old, huh? - Hey, hey.
Look at that.
Yeah.
What does he do? - What does he do? - For a living, his job.
What's his job? He's a four-year-old little boy.
He doesn't have a job.
Four years old and doesn't have a job? Why, when I was your age, I had a paper route, a Kool-Aid stand, I mowed the lawn, I was a delivery boy, a baby-sitter, I worked in a coal mine, while I was simultaneously in the first, second, third and fourth grades.
You better get a job before it's too late, boy.
Gimme back my hat, ya lazy lima bean.
Excuse me.
There's a woman out on the wing of the plane.
Don't get excited.
It's just my wife Hilda doing the laundry for her day job.
Hey, mon! Oh, God, I love the wind out there.
It dries my laundry in one-third the time.
Yes, it does now.
Godfreid, look it here.
What is this? I'm out there three minutes and lazy Margaret's sitting down on the job.
[Huffs.]
Look, Mama, leave me alone.
I've done all my chores.
Besides, I talkin' to this real cute fella sitting next to me and all.
- What does he do now? - Well, him from Trinidad.
Him have 15 job and I think I love he.
- Stop your tongue-waggin', girl.
Get acquainted! - Okay, Mom.
Uh, excuse me, Captain, is it necessary for this woman to iron her clothes right here? - I'm trying to relax.
- Relax? Aren't you on a business trip? - Well, I'm on a vacation.
- Vacation from how many jobs? - One.
- One job? You lazy goat.
You have some big, great, big hairy nerve.
.
.
sittin' up here in the business class for hard-working people.
He should be back there in the lazy class.
Now, but I purchased a business class ticket.
Well, I'm gonna tell ya somethin'.
Yourill-gotten lazy money is no good here.
This class is for hard-workin' business people.
Get out! Security! Security here.
- Get him outta my sight, mon! - Get up.
You're under lazy arrest.
- Get in the back, ya lazy goat! - Lazy mon! Go! Go! Lazy mon! - Get outta here.
- That's right.
Pop, Pop! We have to land the plane, but the landing gear is broken.
Ohh.
Well, we got to land the plane anyway.
- Crew, prepare for manual landing.
- All right, Dad.
- Nothing else to do, no? - That's right.
Okay, Margaret, you get under the nose.
- You and I will get under the wings.
- Okay, Daddy.
- Hey, mon! - [Headleys, Simultaneously.]
Got to land the plane! [Caribbean Steel Drums.]
[Announcer.]
Join us againfor Hey Mon with the Headleys.
[Rapping.]
[Continues.]
- [Giggling.]
- Oh! Children! - Children, are you having a good time? - [Toot.]
- Yes! - Yeah! Happy birthday, shnooky-ookums.
- [Horns Blow.]
- I have a surprise for you! - [Cheering.]
- Homey the Clown! - [Cheering Continues.]
- I told you the clown! I told you! [Children.]
Homey the Clown Homey the Clown - Yay! - Homey! Homey! Homey! - Sit down! - Homey! Homey! Homey! Homey! Homey! Homey! Hom.
.
.
I said sit down.
All right, kids.
I'm Homey the Clown.
- Y'all ready to have some fun? - [Children.]
Yeah! - What y'all want me to do first? - Ooh ooh! - Homey, Homey, Homey! Do a silly clown dance for us.
- What? - [Children Cheer, Applaud.]
- Yeah.
Degrade myself, huh? I don't think so.
Homey don't play that.
- What else? What else? - Ooh ooh ooh.
! You could.
.
.
Oh! You could slip on a banana peel and fall on your butt! [Children Laughing.]
Oh, yeah, fall down and bust my skull open.
.
.
and have my blood and brains ooze out on the carpet.
.
.
so you can get a couple of cheap laughs, huh? I don't think so.
Homey don't play that.
- What else? - Oh.
! Ooh.
! Me.
! Hey! Hey! Can we smash a cream pie in your face.
.
.
like they be doing to clowns and stuff? - Yeah! - I think you got it backwards, son.
Now, how do you feel about yourself? Mm.
Totally dissed, Homey.
That's why Homey don't play that.
All right.
How about a magic trick? - Yay! - Yeah! - Who got a dollar? - I do, Homey! Here you go, Homey.
- All right.
I'll fold it once.
- Ooh.
! - Twice.
- Whoa.
Ahhh.
Now it's gone.
Ta-da! [Horn Honking.]
Let's get something straight, kids.
Homey may be a clown, but he don't make a fool outta hisself.
Yeah? Why.
.
.
Uh, why you become a clown then? I guess it's because I got so much love to give.
.
.
and it's part of my prison work-release program, so I got about five more year of this clown crap.
Cartoon time! - [Children Cheering.]
- [Blow Horns.]
Y'all pay special attention, 'cause this one has a certain message to it.
Ooh.
! Once upon a time, Homey the Clown went to a fancy white restaurant.
"Chez Whitey" was the name.
As always, Homey gets a-hassled by the man.
He tells him that a tie is required.
.
.
in order to eat in this establishment.
So Homey says, " Man, get them damn ties outta my face 'fore I kick your ass!" But unfortunately, Monsieur Snowflake didn't quite hear Homey correctly.
So Homey had no choice.
.
.
but to keep his word.
- [Honking.]
- The end.
So what have we learned if nothing else, childrens? [Children, Simultaneously.]
Homey don't play that! That's right.
Now, let's sing the Homey the Clown Song.
- [Children Cheering.]
- Repeat after me.
- Homey the Clown - [Children.]
Homey the Clown - Don't mess around - Don't mess around - Even though the man - Even though the man - Try to keep him down - Try to keep him down One day Homey will break all the chains Then he'll fly away but until that day Homey don't play - I said repeat after me! - [Repeating Out Of Synch.]
[Repeating Out Of Synch.]
Very good.
See.
You.
.
.
Y'all made Homey smile after all.
- Happy Birthday, kid.
- [Honking.]
- Bye.
- Bye.
Homey! Homey! [Applause, Cheering.]
All right.
Before we go, we wanna introduce you to the lady behind the steps on the show.
.
.
and her assistant right here.
.
.
that's Rosie Perez.
[Whooping, Applause.]
On the right here.
Uh, what can I say? We had fun doing it once again.
- If you're there next week, we'll be there too, so until then.
.
.
- Peace! Peace.
You can do what you wanna do In living color