Insatiable (2018) s01e09 Episode Script

1 I hated being Fatty Patty.
But it was a cakewalk compared to this.
Murderer! Dixie was dead, and I was responsible.
[DEMONIC VOICE.]
You didn't kill Dixie.
We did.
I'm deep inside you.
[LAUGHING.]
[SCREAMS.]
[GASPS.]
I hadn't heard anything about what happened to Dixie.
But if she was dead and I was responsible, it was my worse nightmare come true.
Maybe I wasn't lucky that my pregnancy scare turned out to be a teratoma.
Maybe there was evil deep inside of me.
You okay? I heard you screaming.
Yeah.
Yeah, I had a nightmare about Dixie being dead and my teratoma being alive.
Oh, honey.
Of course you're having nightmares, okay? You've been traumatized.
Come on.
You saw Dixie get taken away in an ambulance, you got questioned by the cops.
But they all agreed it was an accident.
Everything's gonna be fine.
Not if Dixie dies.
Oh, she won't, baby.
The bad ones live forever.
[SIGHS.]
Did you know? That I could have been a twin? Not exactly.
When I was pregnant, I had a very vivid dream that you were a twin, but I forgot all about it until yesterday.
That's crazy.
Not as crazy as you eating your sister.
- Too soon.
- [CELL PHONE RINGING.]
Pastor Mike.
If he's calling this early, it can't be good.
[SIGHS, YAWNS.]
[GASPS.]
Bob, what are you ? Shh.
Just go with it.
Now that I have you, I'll never let you go.
I'm deep inside of you.
[GASPS.]
[BOB ARMSTRONG.]
I did not want Bob Barnard deep inside me.
I wanted him out.
I felt guilty about our kiss, - like I had to confess.
- [CELL PHONE RINGING.]
Is everything okay? Not exactly.
[SCREAMS.]
You think Patty has a demon inside of her? My guess is it's the soul of the twin she consumed.
Most likely, it's furious it never got born.
You need to take this seriously, Bob.
Patty's teratoma made her throw Dixie Sinclair off the Ween-Mobile.
You just said teratoma and Ween-Mobile in the same sentence, so it's hard to take you seriously.
Besides, Dixie made Patty push her.
Look at her neck.
Oh, and also, demons do not exist.
They certainly do.
And if Patty doesn't get hers removed, I'm gonna have to strip her of her crown.
Removed? Like, you mean, surgically? Absolutely not.
She would miss regionals.
There's another solution.
One that's non-surgical and significantly more unorthodox.
I'm listening.
An exorcism.
What, you mean like the movie? I know an expert in Atlanta who does them.
Father Schwartz.
- Schwartz? - He converted.
He's a Jew for Jesus.
[LAUGHS.]
Of course he is.
This is insane! Patty is not possessed.
And if you try and take away her crown because she didn't have an exorcism, I will go to the press, and you will look like a religious nut case.
Bye-bye, pageant.
Bye-bye, job.
See? Crisis averted.
You get to keep your crown.
But what about my immortal soul? You're not actually buying into all that demon nonsense, are you? Think about it.
It would explain a lot of my behavior.
So would borderline personality disorder.
I'm just saying.
I've always felt this darkness inside of me.
[SCOFFS.]
That doesn't mean you have a demon.
It'd be a relief if I did.
Then it would mean it's not my fault for being the way that I am.
Then maybe if I got rid of it, I could be, like, a normal teenager.
Enough.
We have real problems.
Like your image.
You threw Dixie off a food truck.
No brawler's ever gonna win regionals.
I hadn't even thought about that.
- I was more worried that I killed her.
- See? You don't have a demon.
Otherwise you wouldn't be worried about Dixie.
Listen.
Go to school, see what you can find out about Dixie's condition.
In the meantime, I'll create a narrative about your little punch 'n munch.
[PATTY.]
The good news was, there was no shrine in front of Dixie's locker.
Bad news was, everyone was staring at me.
Maybe I did have an image problem.
What is everybody looking at? You've gone viral.
Oh, my God.
Do you think the regionals judges have seen this? Everyone's seen it.
[SIGHS.]
Look at me.
I'm pure evil.
You're just defending yourself.
I mean, look at her.
She's banana-pants.
Choi told me she has all sorts of mental disorders.
She told him all about them when they were banging.
Well, none of that matters if she dies.
I heard she's alive, but on life support.
But Choi heard that she flew down to Mexico for some state-of-the-art surgery.
- Do my eyes look red to you? - That's the lighting.
Or the demon.
- [CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
- Excuse me.
Didn't your dad tell you to stay away from me? He told me all about you being possessed.
I'm glad you're not getting the exorcism.
Did he say "exorcism"? Okay, listen.
This is gonna sound completely batshit, but Pastor Mike thinks that my teratoma might be an evil presence.
Like a demon.
Nonnie, you've known me my whole life.
You think it's possible I could have a demon inside me? Hmm.
Hmm.
Hmm.
- Wow, you think I'm on team Satan.
- No.
- Actual demons aren't real, so - They are.
I've lived all over the world.
I've seen some things.
[BELL RINGS.]
I gotta get to class.
- What do you mean? - When I lived in Brazil, I spent some time with a pajé there.
A shaman.
He believed in all this stuff.
Demons, evil spirits - Bullshit.
- Said there was power in the dark.
What do you mean? Let's find out.
We should summon your demon.
- Summon my demon? Right.
- Seriously.
We should have a séance tonight.
What makes you think I want to do anything with you? After you tried to manipulate me into almost marrying you and having a baby just to avoid going to military school? You really think I'd commit to raising a child just to avoid military school? I've no idea what you would do.
You are full of surprises.
I'm trying to help you.
Yeah? Why? Because I love you.
I'm sorry I didn't say it back.
Please, give me another chance.
[PATTY.]
I wasn't desperate enough to believe that he loved me.
But I was desperate enough to let him help me.
- - [BOB.]
I already had enough problems.
Now I had to deal with a viral vampire bitch fight? [SIGHS.]
I could e-mail my friends at the Masonville Gazette.
Help to spin Patty's narrative.
It was a hell of a lot easier than dealing with my own story.
Hey, Bob.
How's Dixie? With Regina.
She got out of jail on compassionate release.
We need to talk about our kiss.
Never happened.
My word against yours.
I meant what I said, Bob.
I'm in love with you.
Stop saying that! I can't stop.
It's been bottled up for so long, now that I said it out loud, I can't stop.
I love you.
I love you, I love you, I love you.
Why do you keep stabbing me in the back? I'm just pulling on your pigtails 'cause I couldn't tell you how I feel.
Sleeping with Stella Rose was just pulling at my pigtails? Now that I did to try and feel closer to you.
Hey, years of pining away makes you do some crazy things.
What about Etta Mae? I needed things to look a certain way, so I got married to a doctor.
A beautiful, strong, sexy, successful woman who's never around.
- Does she know? About your ? - No.
But her schedule gives me freedom to do what I need to do.
You mean, sleep with other men! Bob, in my heart, I always wanted to be with you.
But I never thought it could be mutual.
Until you kissed me back.
I did not kiss you back.
I was pushing you away with my lips.
You didn't feel like a man who didn't wanna be kissed.
Maybe that's the reason why you've been so passionately hateful towards me.
You've been covering up that you're madly in love with me.
That's not true! - Passion's passion, Bob.
- I'm not gay! Just stay open, Bob.
I love women! Tell yourself you're bisexual.
We all go through that phase.
Bisexuals are like demons or aliens.
They don't exist.
Totally agree.
Bi is just a stop on the train to Gayville.
Chug-a-chug-a-choo-choo! Back off! This is harassment.
You are my boss.
Just think of us as partners.
Stop making it sound so gay! You know what they say about people who are homophobic, Bob? They say they're in denial.
Get out! I have work to do.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
You're right.
We both cheated.
We're even.
Let's have make-up sex.
Because I am a heterosexual man with heterosexual man needs.
Bob, I love that you wanna work it out, but sex is not gonna solve our issues.
I am pretty sure it is going to solve my issue.
Bob, we need counseling.
My friend Gayle from WMBS is a licensed family therapist, and her husband Mike is a pastor.
- Together, they do spiritual couples - I know Pastor Mike.
He is a lunatic.
I don't wanna talk to him about our personal problems.
Bob, just stay open.
[BOB.]
Why did everyone keep saying that? But make-up sex is so much cheaper.
Okay.
Okay, you know what? Therapy first, sex later.
I'm gonna call her right now and see if they are available to squeeze us in tonight.
[RINGING.]
The spirit board is a gateway to contact beings on the other side.
Sorry I'm late.
We were having a discussion.
About one of us trying to blow off our date tonight.
A séance can be a date.
Nonnie, could I talk to you? Did you have to bring Dee? Having a demon is kind of private.
Maybe you should just be grateful you have a bestie that always shows up for you, and that her girlfriend is willing to give up her alone time to co-sign that bullshit.
Maybe you should just mind your own business.
Maybe we should start the séance? [CHRISTIAN.]
We've gathered tonight to find out if Patty Bladell is inhabited by a demon.
Is she? [PATTY.]
I didn't know who he was talking to or how they would even talk back.
Yes? Dee pushed it.
That's the spirits giving you their answer, demon girl.
Mystery solved.
You ready to go? We can still make bingo at Purr Party.
Cut the shit.
This is serious.
Are there any spirits present? [PATTY.]
It couldn't happen again.
[SIGHS.]
Yes.
Is this my unborn sister? No.
Then who is it? H I F A T T Y.
"Hi, Fatty"? Who is this? J? John? Homeless guy.
Who's John the homeless guy? It's the guy who broke my jaw.
He's the reason I got skinny.
K I L L E R? Then why is he calling you a killer? Because I Killed him? I didn't.
I just wished he was dead.
And then he had a heart attack and died.
Oh, you definitely have a demon.
[PATTY.]
Yes? [ALL SCREAM.]
Okay, séance over.
Yes! Don't freak out.
Easy for you to say.
You don't have a demon.
There's something seriously wrong with me.
What if everything you think is wrong with you is actually right? Look, I love you.
I do.
All that rage and power and fire.
It's amazing.
And what if this thing inside you is the source of all of that? What if it makes you who you are? Don't get rid of it.
Embrace it.
But it makes me do terrible things, like rage-kill a homeless guy, - or throw Dixie off the Ween-Mobile.
- That's because you haven't learned to control it.
I bet if you did, you could make it work for you.
For me? How? You want revenge on your bullies? You wanna win regionals? Miss American Lady? Who better to help you than a pissed off spirit from beyond the grave? Okay, if there is even a .
01% chance that this could work, I'd be a moron not to at least try.
This is what I'm saying.
I wouldn't even know where to begin.
What? Do you just Google, "How do you control a demon?" [BEEPS.]
Shut up! This is a thing? It says we need to find out its name.
We could ask the spirit board.
No way.
No demon worth their horns is gonna give up their name if they know it will give me control over them.
If the demon really is my twin sister, maybe my mom can help.
She had a dream about twins.
Maybe it had a name [BOB.]
Bob Barnard was wrong.
I didn't have a gay bone in my body.
Lemon zest tea, anyone? No, we're fine, thank you.
[BOB.]
I was willing to do whatever it took to make my marriage work, including facing this awkward situation.
Pastor Mike, I do hope that there are no hard feelings about our meeting this morning with Patty.
Well, I wish the outcome had been different, but I respect that you are here trying to exorcise your own demons.
We thought we'd do a role-playing exercise to help you understand each other's point of view.
- Coralee, you play Bob, okay? - Oh.
And really get inside his head, okay? And try to express his reasons for going outside your marriage.
Okay, okay.
Coralee, everything that you found annoying about me, she supported.
Like pageants and hair and makeup, - and my caboodle.
- I don't walk like that.
And I don't do that fruity thing with my hand.
Bob, this is about listening to what she is saying.
You two need to listen and express how you feel.
You say X, it makes me feel Y.
When you say I'm gay, I feel like you don't see I'm not gay.
What are you doing? Counting my savings.
Your 18th birthday is coming up, and I wanna plan something special.
Super weird that I almost shared a birthday.
Yeah.
You know that dream you had, that you were pregnant with twins? Do you remember if you picked out names? I don't remember.
Why? I don't know.
I was thinking we could write her name on my birthday cake.
Like a memorial.
That's sweet.
And a little creepy.
You know I used to write down my dreams in my old journal, and I found it right before your baptism.
Let's take a look.
All right.
I bet we can find something in here.
Who's the hottie? Gordy.
It's my mom's old boyfriend.
All right.
Sex dream, sex dream, sex dream.
Dream I went to school and almost had sex.
Sex dream.
Oh lookee there.
One of them was named Patty.
And the other one? Kitty.
Kitty, great.
Thanks, Mom.
[KISSES.]
Hmm.
[CHRISTIAN.]
Kitty? That's a weird name for a baby.
[PATTY.]
Yeah, it's a weird name for a demon, too, - - but it's all we got.
So, Google says once you know the name, you need to integrate the demon, so you can join forces.
And this doesn't sound crazy to you? When you say it out loud? You know that Brazilian shaman I told you about? He said he could expel a demon by writing its name on a piece of paper and throwing it into a fire.
Okay, so how am I supposed to integrate a demon? Write its name on a piece of paper and eat it? Makes sense to me.
Okay, I can't believe that writing "Kitty" on a piece of paper and eating it can fix me.
It's crazy.
Not any crazier than believing that pageants can fix you.
At least this isn't something outside yourself.
What's the worst that can happen? You eat some paper? But if it works I could have everything I ever wanted.
- Now what? - We wait.
If magic starts happening, then boom.
- Kitty's your bitch.
- [CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
It's Bob.
"Good news, I fixed your image problem.
" There's a link.
"Crazy pageant runner-up attacks reigning Miss Magic.
" Jesus.
"Bites her like a vampire.
" Oh! Oh, my God! It worked.
Kitty's my bitch.
Guess Kitty's working for me, too.
So does this mean we're okay? It means I might possibly consider us maybe being okay.
Except my victory was short-lived.
That afternoon, Herman Choi canceled my sponsorship.
But the fight was Dixie's fault.
- The Masonville Gazette agrees.
- I don't care if Wolf Blitzer agrees.
Our image as a family establishment has suffered.
Now nobody's eating my wieners.
No wieners, no money.
No money, no sponsorship.
[CLAMORING.]
Hey, is this the site of the Vampire Bitch Fight? No.
Yes, it is.
- I'm the bitch.
- Whoo! - What are you doing? - Drumming up business.
I'm the Wiener Taco spokesperson.
- Would you like a selfie with me? - Hell yeah! Your video is the best thing since "Pen-Pineapple-Apple-Pen.
" [CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING.]
- [BOY.]
Come on.
- [PATTY.]
Okay.
- Say "Wien-ing.
" - Wien-ing! [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
[PATTY.]
Maybe Kitty was helping me after all.
Three weeks later, Wiener Taco was the Masonville hot spot You should get a selfie stick Take a selfie quick I was a true believer and I had never felt so empowered.
Herman Choi had doubled down on my sponsorship.
My mom was making tips hand over fist, and I had become a local celebrity.
Hey, can you sign our swag? - Yeah, what do you want? - One of those.
- Two of those.
- That one.
- Congratulations on viral infamy, Patty.
- Yeah.
And thank you for taking out Dixie.
She was a first-class ass-hat, and she got what she deserved.
[IMITATING GUNFIRE.]
Do you know what she got, exactly? I still haven't heard.
I heard that she's being trained to use an exo-suit.
No, no, I heard she's being weaponized by the military.
- No way.
- Hey, guys, who cares? Okay? Dixie's gone now, thanks to you.
I can't I mean, right here, okay? [IMITATING EXPLOSION.]
Okay, thank you.
Thank you so much.
[PATTY.]
Bye, you guys.
Except Dixie's demise wasn't thanks to me.
It was thanks to Kitty.
[THUNDER CRASHING.]
So much good had come from what happened to Dixie, I didn't really feel bad about it anymore.
- Hi.
- It was almost as if she never existed.
a chance for me to show my flow And I'm back again Another home again Another chance for me to break it all in Don't stop, don't stop, get it, get it That's the only thing that Oh, my God.
Patty, I am so happy to see you.
You are? I want you to know there are no hard feelings.
Even though she's paralyzed from the waist down and will likely never walk again.
I have no one to blame but myself.
I attacked you.
And I am sorry.
But I'm not sorry it happened.
Because I lost the use of my legs, I've gained the use of my heart.
[PATTY.]
And just like that, Dixie went from being despised to being loved.
Did that mean people hated me? Dixie even suggested we have a special anti-bullying assembly tomorrow.
So you girls can both apologize to each other in front of the whole school.
Principal Martin thinks it's an excellent idea.
Oh, hey, Brick.
Hey.
You okay? No.
I have to apologize to Dixie? Why should I? She attacked me.
Because it's the right thing to do.
Screw what's right.
There's power in what's wrong.
Right, Patty? - What does that mean? - Never mind.
You wouldn't understand.
Patty has an evil spirit inside of her, and we're using it to manifest whatever we want.
Look, I know it sounds crazy He's brainwashing you, just like he did to Magnolia.
See? Patty's right.
You don't understand.
What? [BOB ARMSTRONG.]
For the last three weeks, I had been avoiding Barnard and keeping my attention on Coralee.
I don't understand how fighting is gonna lead to intimacy.
Oh, don't worry about it.
Mike and I are gonna show you.
I'll pick a trigger topic.
Our son.
Well I'd actually rather not discuss Christian.
When you threaten to send Christian to military school and don't follow through, he knows he can manipulate you.
I hear you, and I feel that sending Christian away will only isolate him and make his problems worse.
Worse? We had to leave Brazil because of him.
- Wait, why'd you have to leave ? - You know what's worse? A mother trying to send her own son to jail.
It is completely inappropriate.
Oh, that's completely inappropriate? You know what's inappropriate? - You're inappropriate.
- You're inappropriate.
No, you know what I'm talking about when I Oh.
[BOB AND CORALEE.]
Ahem.
[MIKE.]
Okay.
I'm so thirsty.
Is there water? It's in the kitchen.
Thank you so much.
Honey.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[CORALEE SIGHS.]
See? Make-up sex.
It works.
Okay, but I think you have to fight first.
You want to fight? 'Cause we can fight.
Starting with the fact that you slept with the massage therapist to get back at me.
No.
That's not why I did it.
I did it because I wanted to.
Bob, up until recently, okay, you and I hadn't spent more than a few days apart for the last 20 years.
Okay? So when I was on my own, I realized that in all that time, I never stopped to consider what I wanted.
What do you mean? You wanted to get out of the trailer park, be a Southern socialite.
- I helped you do that.
- I know, I know.
But once you made me over, then I became your creation, and I've been on autopilot ever since.
That doesn't justify sleeping No, I know that, but it made me realize that Bob, I've gotta stop playing dress-up and be who I am.
You know, but the only trouble is, I've been role-playing for so long, I don't even know who that is.
Okay.
So I've been thinking you know, with WMBS.
I wanna start working.
- Maybe be a mompreneur.
- What the hell? This is what I do.
I can help you be the best "you" you can be.
[SIGHS.]
Thank you, but I I think I need to do this on my own.
You mean, without me? No, Bob, not forever.
I just need some space to figure this out.
Can you love me enough to give me that? [MIKE.]
It's so fucking inappropriate.
Who are you, and why are you making out in my kitchen? - Excuse us.
- [LAUGHING.]
I'm Pastor Mike Keene, and this is my wife Gayle.
And we are friends of your parents.
Keene? Are you Christian's parents? Well, yes.
You know our son? Christian's dad's a pastor.
Classic.
Let me ask you something.
What would Jesus say about your son practicing black magic? [SIGHS.]
This assembly is bullshit.
I got bullied for years.
Nobody did anything about it.
You should invoke the wrath of Kitty, make them all pay.
Maybe you need to eat her name every time you wanna call on her.
Dad? Sorry, he said it was an emergency.
I know you two have been practicing the black arts.
- Wait, what? - I can't believe you're doing this again.
And with her? I told you to stay away.
As long as you live under my roof, you'll do as you're told.
Car, now! I'm confused.
The black arts? He thinks my teratoma's a demon, and he wants me to get an exorcism.
- Yeah, get the fuck out of my house.
- Don't dismiss this, Angie.
Do you know if there's any darkness in your lineage? I mean it, Patty.
The demon seduces you, makes you think you're in charge, but eventually, it takes over.
And people around you will get hurt.
Get the exorcism before it's too late.
Patty every 17-year-old goes through this.
You watch The Craft, you get a spirit board, you take your shot at casting spells.
It doesn't mean it's real.
Except, what if it is? Patty the only real demons are the ones from our past.
[SIGHS.]
Armstrong, I know you told my dad Patty and I were doing black magic.
So? Stop trying to keep me and Patty apart.
She chose the better man.
- Wrong.
- Wanna prove it? - Hey! - Really? Stop it! You're going to fight at an anti-bullying assembly? Take your seats.
Now! Welcome to Masonville High's first annual anti-bullying assembly.
As you know, there's a Category 4 storm on the way, so we will be having an early dismissal today.
- [CHEERING.]
- I know, I know.
[PATTY.]
I wanted to believe Christian.
That I was magical, powerful.
But then why did I have to apologize in front of the whole school? I was the victim, not Dixie Sinclair.
Hey.
Thanks for coming.
My mom had to work.
I've always got your back.
Which is why we should talk about Christian.
I heard a weird thing about him last night.
[PRINCIPAL.]
Patty Bladell, join us, please.
Tell me later.
If Kitty was real, I needed her now more than ever.
[PRINCIPAL.]
Patty Bladell.
Bullying has become the scourge of our school.
Some of our students have learned the dire consequences of fighting.
One, obviously more than the other.
And now I give you the amazing Dixie Sinclair.
[CHEERING.]
[PATTY.]
I couldn't believe people were cheering for Dixie.
Even the principal was taking sides.
I once read that the weak can never forgive because forgiveness is only for the strong.
As the victim [BOY.]
We love you, Dixie! It's okay.
As the victim - [PATTY.]
Victim? Dixie wasn't a victim.
- of this tragedy She made fun of me when I was fat.
She lied about being molested.
She was always a lying bitch.
Just now she was a bitch on wheels.
Oh, my God.
What if she was lying right now? What if that was why she didn't press charges and wouldn't let anyone come see her? Could she be making it all up? The neck brace, the wheelchair, the change of heart? It was the only thing that made sense.
- I couldn't believe everyone fell for it.
- Look inside yourself Dixie Sinclair is not the victim here.
Okay? I am.
Uh-oh.
When I was bullied for being fat, did anyone apologize to me? No.
Because nobody cares about bullying.
Not unless you're pretty or rich or special.
But if you're fat or ugly or just uncool [SCOFFS.]
you just let them suffer.
For years, just like I did.
Dixie Sinclair is full of shit.
Just like everyone else in this town.
You're all fakes.
And Dixie is the biggest fake of all! - You're gonna pay for that! [SCREAMS.]
- [AUDIENCE GASPS.]
Oh, Mama! Oh, my baby! [PATTY.]
Oh, my God.
She was telling the truth.
Which meant I had just made things so much worse.
Oh, my God, look at her! [PATTY.]
Kitty was real all right and she completely fucked me over.
I was totally freaked out.
I knew there was only one thing left to do.
How could you? Are you insane? It wasn't me.
It was my demon.
- I'm sorry.
- I'm telling you, I'm possessed.
Pastor Mike said people around me were going to get hurt, and now it's happening.
I need an exorcism.
You don't need an exorcism.
You need therapy.
[NONNIE.]
Are you okay? That was, like, the worst thing I ever saw anyone do to anyone, ever.
See? I'm calling Pastor Mike.
Hopefully he can get a hold of Father Schwartz and we can do the exorcism.
I'm sorry, did she say "exorcism" and "Father Schwartz"? Explain it to him and then meet me in the science lab.
It's the most remote classroom in school.
[BOB SIGHS.]
I didn't believe in demons, but I did believe in Patty.
So if this is what it took to get her over the hump to regionals, I was willing to play along.
[SIGHS.]
We could clear one of the lab tables and have Patty lay on it.
Does she need to lay down? Can a person have an exorcism sitting up? Maybe this is a bad idea.
Patty, my dad called me.
Said he's coming here to do an exorcism? - That's crazy.
- Exactly.
Listen to your boyfriend.
This demon is our thing.
You can't get rid of it.
On second thought, don't.
I thought you were going to embrace yourself fully.
So you could love yourself like I love you.
- I want it out.
- No.
- You can't.
- Why are you being so controlling? I'm scared if you get rid of Kitty you'll get rid of me, too.
[CELL PHONE RINGS.]
[BEEPS.]
- Pastor Mike.
- Yeah, I'm on my way, but the storm may keep Father Schwartz from getting there.
- Well, then who will do my exorcism? - I will.
But you've never done one before.
I don't want a rookie exorcist.
Don't worry.
Faith can overcome any demon, no matter how strong.
- Oh, God! - [CRASHING.]
[DIAL TONE DRONING.]
- Dad! - Pastor Mike.
Pastor Mike! You gotta go.
Call your mom, make sure your dad's okay.
- I want to stay with Patty.
- Why? The accident was my fault.
My demon is trying to keep itself from being exorcised.
It's the storm.
The roads are slick.
Christian, please, go take care of your family.
It's not like there's anything I can do about it.
Christian, go! I have to get this thing out of me.
Okay? Pastor Mike's not coming and neither is Father Schwartz.
- You have to do it.
- Me? No.
What about Nonnie or Choi? - No way.
- Don't look at me.
You've seen The Exorcist, right? And we have Google.
Patty, this is insane.
I thought you said you had my back.
[BOB.]
She was desperate, and the longer I stayed with Patty, the longer I stayed away from Barnard.
Besides, I knew how to play a role.
Choi.
Get to the Drama Department.
They never throw anything away.
I did a production of The Thorn Birds in the '80s.
It was amazing.
Get me my priest costume! [THUNDER CRASHES.]
Signs of possession include a foul odor, vomiting, repeated pleas to stop She doesn't have any of those symptoms.
It says we should tie her down.
- Don't tie me down.
- Okay, there's one.
I found your costume.
And I got some other stuff, too.
Candles, crosses, incense, a plastic sword holy water.
Well, bottled water.
Hey, look.
It still fits.
Compared to my own problems, an exorcism seemed simple.
In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, I bless this water.
May it heal and sanctify all it touches.
Amen.
- Amen.
- Amen.
- Seriously? - Sorry.
Okay, repeat after me.
Lord have mercy.
- Lord have mercy.
- Lord have mercy.
Christ have mercy.
- Christ have mercy.
- Christ have mercy.
Lord have mercy.
- Lord have mercy.
- Lord have mercy.
Okay, this goes on for a while.
Let's just cut to the chase.
Depart, then, O impious one.
Depart, accursed one.
Depart with all your deceit, for God has willed that man should be his temple.
[THUNDER CRASHES.]
I smell a foul odor.
I think the demon's here.
That's me.
Too many Leaner Wieners.
No more soy for Choi.
Guys, let's stay focused here.
As humble servants of God, we cast you out.
Repeat.
As humble servants of God, we cast you out.
As humble servants of God, we cast you out.
- As humble servants of [GASPS.]
- [NONNIE SCREAMS.]
[SHRIEKS.]
We're all gonna die! I don't feel good.
I've been eating a lot of paper.
- Patty, what's happening? - I think I'm gonna be sick.
- Can you untape me? - No, no, don't! It could be the demon trying to resist Oh, great, now you got me buying into all this.
[PATTY.]
Let me up! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I cast you out, demon! The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you! [SHOUTING.]
Is the demon gone? [SHRIEKS.]
Shalom.
What'd I miss? Let me guess.
Father Schwartz? In the flesh.
I think I cast out the demon.
Oy! Everybody's an exorcist.
But you never know.
So let's have a quick look-see, shall we? Hmm.
Open, please.
No, no demon.
So, I did it.
I'm an exorcist? There probably never was a demon in the first place.
Wait, are you saying there's no such thing as demons? No, demons are real, but they're very rare.
In my entire career, I have had maybe three cases of authentic possessions.
How could there not be a demon? The spirit board said "The spirit board said.
" Whatever it said, it was your subconscious talking.
But I dumped a paralyzed girl out of a wheelchair.
Then that, bubela, is on you.
I know it's a bitter pill to swallow, that there's no one else to blame, but sometimes the truth hurts.
Most of the time, when someone thinks they have a demon they're just fighting against a part of themselves they refuse to accept.
You understand? [BOB.]
If Father Schwartz had said demons were real, maybe bisexuals were, too.
Maybe there was a part of myself I had refused to accept.
I love my wife.
I can change, I can change I can change in a minute In one minute, I'll change Run away, run away, run away I'm deep in it