InSecurity (2011) s01e09 Episode Script

Thanks, Santos.
JoJo! Aaaah.
Isn't this awesome? Finally a night off.
I've so been looking forward to this.
- Even bought a dress.
- What is this? A Cranstontini! I invented it at my sister's baby shower.
Anything to get through these government parties.
Aaahh.
Well, I'm ready to pick some pockets.
That sounds like work and I said no working.
Boss's orders.
It's how I cut loose.
Oh, I see a DJ.
Whoo-ooo! So, there I was in the middle of the Congolese rainforest, cradling my dearest friend, Lahoti, the blood gushing from his heart wound.
And with his last breath he leaned up and whispered in my ear, "Benjamin, you are my hero.
" Something similar happened to me the other day.
I was in the office cradling a box of staples when I realized I needed paperclips.
So then I got the paperclips and I spilt them.
I'm gonna go get a drink.
I'll join you.
Get out.
You're really from Cozumel? I go there every winter.
There's this great little bar there called, um, El Party.
That's my cousin's place.
- Hector's your cousin? - Yeah, si.
I love that guy.
We stole cattle together.
- Mm? - Hey.
I just got the Minister to try a Cranstontini.
- You want one? - Oh, no thanks.
Last time you gave me one of those, I woke up face down in a cheesecake.
Did you say the Minister would like one? He's here now? Yeah, he's right over there.
Great guy.
Has the Minister of Justice arrived? Yes, I think it's him.
He looks different than I remember.
As soon as begins his speech we strike.
InSecurity Season 1 Episode 9 El Negotiator Well now the sun ain't shinin' no more I don't know why but I've seen it before Ain't got no joy No man to lean on He leaves my soul on the floor like a doll Yeah, yeah, yeah! Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo I thought we were going to some swank party.
Well, we'll get there.
I just wanted to, uh, show you around.
This is the, uh, this is the lab where I cook up poisons and stuff for bad guys.
Oh, what's this? A little something for the good guys.
- A 26 of rye, huh? - I don't really like rye.
Sure you do.
Girls your age love rye.
Great party, man.
- Having fun? - Oh, yeah.
Things are starting to heat up.
See that couple over there? Greg and Mary.
They're sweet.
I was just talking to them.
He's cheating on her and she's had too much to drink.
No! They run a flower shop together.
It's a sham.
Check out his emails on his phone.
- He's screwing the bulb supplier.
- And the mulch lady.
And as Lahoti lay dying in my arms, he looked up at me and he said, "Burt, you are my hero.
" Oh that's crazy, eh? Then he died.
- That's it? I'm going.
- Oh, no, no.
Don't go.
Because he only died for a minute.
I brought him back by digging the bullet out of his heart with my bare hands.
That's wicked awesome.
Then I was able to stop the bleeding with a lemon and an ice cube, uh, and a battery.
Good evening, everyone.
I'll let you get back to the party in a second.
Okay, we do this, but no one kill the French guy.
He knows my cousin.
Everybody knows your cousin.
Fine, we'll spare the Frenchie.
Are we ready to strike? The Minister of Justice is our ticket to freeing our brothers.
It's been a great year for the Ministry of Fisheries, and for me, personally, the Minister of Fisheries.
Nobody move! This is a hostage taking! A hostage taking on my one night off? You've gotta be kidding me! We are the Mexican Freedom Front.
Three years ago, Roberto Gutierrez and five of our brothers took hostages in the name of the Mexican Freedom Front.
It did not go well.
And you, Minister of Justice, put them away.
I'm the Minister of Fisheries.
Minister of Fish? Not the Minister of Justice? No.
She's Black.
Yeah, see, it's-it's just a big friendly mix-up.
We can all get back to dancing now.
God, I'm gonna have to work tonight, aren't I? Ooo.
Excuse me.
Hello.
What? How many? Mexicans, huh? I'll be right there.
Well, we'll take my 'vette.
You drive.
Everyone, hand over your purses, cell phones, and wallets! Now! Oh, cold, cold, cold, cold, cold.
All right, listen up, everyone.
Here's the situation: we're all gonna die.
Everyone calm down.
Nobody is going to die.
We're NISA agents.
NISA? Oh, boy, this is gonna be a bloodbath.
Buncha trigger-happy hotheads.
Look, I know what I'm talking about.
I've read a handbook.
Besides, I'm committed to wrapping this up in time for last call.
Geez, I just wanted to get drunk for free and now I'm gonna die.
It's okay.
I will help you.
I was once in a hostage-taking with my best friend, Lahoti.
He was shot, but I carried him to safety where he later died in my arms.
My God, you totally stole that story, bud.
What are you talking about? It was his friend, and he didn't die, he saved his life.
- Isn't that right, Brent? - It's Burt.
But, yes, that's right.
So you saved your best friend, Lahoti's, life - in the middle of the Congolese jungle? - Maybe I did.
Two guys can't have a best friend named Lahoti? Hey, shut up! The negotiator has arrived.
Oh.
Good.
They're taking us seriously.
Well, I mean of course they would.
The MFF is meant to be taken seriously.
All that stuff on Wikipedia is heavily exaggerated.
This will take 10 minutes, tops, Amber.
Are you cool? All right, buddy, you got Peter McNeil on the line.
Make it count.
My name is Paloma Riviera, head of the Mexican Freedom Front! Whoa.
I didn't realize I was speaking to a lady.
Can I talk to your boss, please? I am the boss.
And the owner of one hell of a phone voice.
I speak a little Mexican.
Picked it up in Cancun a few years back.
Maybe you'd be more comfortable negotiating in your native tongue.
Ah, yeah.
On, uh, second thought, why don't we roll it on back to English? It's been a while since spring break.
I kept my phone.
You distract Santos while I text Peter.
I'm on it.
Oh, Santos.
I could use a scotch, too.
I love this guy, so carefree.
- Hey, what are you doing? - There! Oh.
Me.
Give me that phone! Paloma.
No, no, wait.
Wait, Santos.
Um, this is my daughter, Alex.
I know she shouldn't have the phone, but, uh, her mother, my wife, is very unwell.
Oh.
Yeah, she had a nervous breakdown while, um - Scrapbooking.
- Sure.
And, uh, we were supposed to be home by now.
So So I was calling just to let her know that we're okay.
She worries and if we're even a minute late, out come the pinking shears and then decorative corners on everything.
I'm not supposed to do this, but because it's you, and because my mother is also a patron of the scrapbooking arts, I will let your daughter make the phone call.
But I must to be here.
Thank you.
Hello? Alex? Mom.
Just wanted to let you know that Dad and I are fine.
Mom? Oh, got ya.
What's the sitch? How many terrorists inside? Oh, I think we'll be home by about 5 a.
m.
Nah, we'll have you out way before then.
Now, I need to know how many terrorists are inside.
- This is very important.
- I understand.
If you get hungry, there are 5 containers of cottage cheese in the fridge.
Oh.
Using code.
Very clever.
So fridge, huh? Okay, guys.
We got five terrorists by the fridge.
- How many not by the fridge? - Forget about the fridge! Be sure to water the plants, though.
One by the bar, two by the pillar, the other two near the men's washroom.
Yeah, I'm not following ya.
Remember to let the "Only-possible-way-in- is-the-roof" out before you go to bed.
That's the name of our dog.
You let her use a phone? Did you learn nothing from the last failed hostage taking? I've got a real situation here.
I'm not gonna let 100 pounds of lobster go to waste.
Okay, here's the plan.
On the count of three, I'm gonna punch this guy.
Then Carl's gonna to punch that guy.
And Todd is gonna punch this guy.
Minister, you punch all the other guys and then we're done.
So who gets punched? All right, Paloma.
I managed to rustle up somebody who speaks your nutty language.
Say hello to Jorge, one of NISA's finest janitors.
All right, Jorge, just like we practised.
I strongly support with what you're doing.
Long live the Mexican Freedom Front! All right, Jorge, get the hell outta here! Scratch that, Paloma.
On to plan B.
You guys must be getting pretty hungry in there.
Who's up for some Taco Mart? Huh? He wants to buy us fast food.
What kind of a moron is this guy? All right, this thing's going south.
We need a plan.
I say we ambush the terrorists and die in a blaze of glory.
I'd prefer something that didn't get blood on my dress.
JoJo, have you lifted anything we can use? Not much.
Dental floss, an asthma puffer.
Okay.
Here's how this is gonna go down.
There are five terrorists.
JoJo, you create a distraction.
Thanks for last night.
Best sex in my life.
What? N'udu will use the asthma puffer to blind Terrorist 1 and disarm him, allowing me to get in place behind Terrorist 2 and strangle him with this mint dental floss.
Claude will use the fistful of satay skewers he's been collecting for the past hour and drive them into the shoulder blades of Terrorist 3, hitting a cluster of nerves that'll take him down hard, giving JoJo a chance to bash Santos over the head with a serving tray.
Then pivot and Then Burt grabs a machine gun and unleashes hot death on the evildoers.
They'll be screaming for mercy, but he shows them none.
Tonight he's judge, jury, and executioner, all in one.
Uh, no, Burt.
Well, I thought the plan was a light on Burt.
- So we're ready? - Best party ever.
I'm on it.
And punch! Close your fists, Carl.
That's a slap.
Stop it! You're gonna get us all N'udu! You okay? Fine.
It's just a chest wound, a sucking chest wound.
It's not that bad.
I can't look.
Okay, Paloma, what's going on in there? I heard shots.
One of the hostages was trying to be a hero.
I tell you what.
Release the injured hostage and we'll work this out, face-to-face.
Two attractive people on the wrong side of a crisis who obviously have a connection.
No.
You will meet our demands and release my lover, Roberto Gutierrez, and the others from jail! Whoa! Okay.
Lover? New information.
Courageous moves out there, buddy.
But you gotta leave it to the pros.
We are the pros.
We had a plan.
- A much, much better plan.
- Than punching? Look, people die at the Minister of Justice's parties, not mine.
So let's save this man before the oysters turn.
This guy can save his life, hey? - Right, Brent? - What? Like you saved your best friend, Lahoti's, life.
How do you remember Lahoti's name and not mine? Quick! Get your hands in there and start diggin'.
Ah, okay.
First I'll need hand sanitizer.
Burt, you are not digging anything out of anyone.
Thank you! Russ has removed more than a few lures in his day.
- Ah, got my pliers right here, boss.
- No.
- JoJo, can you do anything? - Well, I'm not a doctor, but, yes.
Okay, P, a new strategy.
I mean, uh, why don't we talk about this closer to the window? You and your guys just move on over to the window.
If you could open the curtains, that would be a big help.
Do you think I am stupid? What? No, not at all.
I think you're very intelligent.
I mean obviously smarter than I am.
Just look at me.
Just, you know, move over to the window and look at me.
You're trying my patience.
Damn.
There we go.
There's another one.
Zimbabwe, Christmas party, Whoa.
One more.
Boxing Day.
Same year.
, How are you even alive? I admit, I often experience chest pains.
Oh.
Oh, here we go.
Thanks, buddy.
- Hey, I gave you a 50.
- The food was $65.
Well, yeah, I thought we were splitting it.
Aw, never mind.
I'll catch ya later.
All right, Paloma, what do you say we all just, uh, take a little break, huh? You all come out for some piping hot tacos.
A little fiesta, huh? First Mexican out the door, put a bullet in his brain.
Your thumb is still on the walkie.
Uh, Paloma, disregard.
Santos, my friend.
What can I get you? Another scotch? Oh, no, no.
I uh, well, okay.
PALOMA: Hey, you! Stop enjoying the party! This is supposed to be a very scary time for you.
- Maybe I can help.
- We don't need your help.
You have the wrong minister, a wounded man, you're out of mini burgers.
- This hostage taking is a fiasco.
- See? He gets it.
Claude, my father, is right.
You're not gonna get what you're looking for.
The best you can do is escape with your dignity intact.
I get my night off, everybody wins.
We are in too deep.
Death is the only escape.
I can't believe I'm about to say this, but what if we switch clothes? You trade with some of us, then release a bunch of hostages, including yourselves, then disappear into the crowd? I wish Alex had given us the heads up about this.
- I'm not wearing underwear.
- I know.
Okay, people, listen up.
Thanks to Claude and his daughter, you're all free to go.
PETER: Paloma, you still there? All right, Paloma, I'm at the end of my rope.
We've been at this all night.
My date with Amber's gone south and I'm getting nothing from you since you pulled the boyfriend card.
Totally unprofessional, by the way.
So now I want you to release all the hostages including my five NISA agents.
Hold it! Sacrifice de concombre! It's all right.
They don't know who we are.
What are you talking about? Don't play dumb.
You know who they are.
The blonde, the Asian, the African dandy, and the old guy.
Dandy? You wear a pink shirt one time.
Ah, I'm also an agent.
He didn't mention me, but I'm with the team.
Pretty important.
So it looks like we finally have some bargaining chips.
Hoo.
Okay, my buzz is officially gone.
So, we have your NISA agents.
If you want to see them alive, release our five brothers along with my lover, Roberto Gutierrez.
Now, now, Paloma.
Yes, we are NISA agents, but we're not very good.
No one cares if we live or die.
We're of absolutely no value.
Actually, I'm kind of awesome.
We'll see about that.
Eh, McNeilez, would you say that your agents are valuable? Of course they're valuable! Next to the Minister of Justice, those guys are the highest assets you could have.
Thank you.
Oh, crap.
First mistake of the night.
We are missing someone.
We have the blonde, the Asian, the dandy Don't forget the redhead.
Where's the old guy? I got him.
What? Hey, let Carl go.
I'm the old man you're looking for.
Claude, my friend, you're so noble.
But leave now.
You don't want to see this, especially the death of your own spy daughter.
Dammit it, Santos.
I'm an agent.
- No.
- Yeah.
I was going to stab you with these.
You lied to me about your scrapbooking wife? Yes.
I'm sorry.
The liar dies first.
Hey, hey.
You want to kill a liar? There's a big one over here.
We will kill you all eventually.
But nobody makes Santos cry.
Okay! I've had it! I've been working for the past three weeks, straight, rescuing diplomats, foiling assassins, taking down terrorists.
Tonight was supposed to be a terror-free night.
All I wanted to do was dance.
I bought this great dress, which no one complimented me on.
Now you're wearing it and you look better in it than I do! So shoot me if you want to, but I'm gonna dance! Lady, stop dancing, please.
Nope.
Now's the time to strike.
Who's got the puffer? - I think I was on dental floss.
- No, that was Alex.
I could do dental floss.
I never really had anything in the plan.
Santos took my skewers.
- Screw it! Just start punching! - Great plan.
Go! Santos! Nothing personal.
Enough dancing and punching! You may want to dance, but I want a river of blood! Hold on a second, Mamacita! Oh, seriously.
This is gonna take a minute.
Ah, easy does it, guys.
Marlin wire.
Who made fun of me for packing this in my trunk? Okay, I guess I don't need to go all the way down.
But Paloma does.
- Hah! - Ooo! Hah! O- kay, starting to spin.
Shouldn't we get you to a hospital? So I'm lying there, four bullets recently removed from my chest.
But does that stop me? No.
I get up and just start punching.
I like punching.
It's cool, hey? Seriously, a hospital.
Don't you have somewhere to be, Brent? Who's up for more grilled dolphin? Oh, I couldn't possibly.
I'm stuffed.
- I can put it on a tiny little bun.
- Sold.
Here's your fishing licence, good anywhere in Canada.
You can even club a seal if you want.
Cool.
I guess it's only fair I give you back this, then, your wallet, dental floss, and some guy's puffer.
That would be Tim's.
Wow, you're looking really great tonight.
Sshh.
I'm dancing.
That's cool.
I'm kinda with Amber.
Okay, second mistake of the night.
Jorge, get the hell outta here! Subtitle by: Kiasuseven