Kath & Kim (2008) s01e09 Episode Script
Friends
Guess what, Iadies? I brought a friend for dinner.
A Juiceman! Oh, PhiI, this is incredibIe! Okay, Mom, caIm down.
It's a Juiceman, not Matt Damon.
I was picking up a Mangroomer down at B.
B.
and Beyond, saw this bad boy.
Had to get him.
What do you say, Iadies? Tomorrow night, juice night? Oh, PhiI.
We're going to see the CentraI FIorida Women's ChoraIe perform A CharIie Brown Christmas at the maII.
Oh, and aIso Monday night, we're going to go see the Native American nativity scene presented by the ApaIachee Indian tribe, which shouId be very neat.
SociaI Iife is bursting at the seams.
SociaI Iife? You don't have any friends.
AII you do is hang out with each other.
That's not true, Kim.
We have a Iot of friends.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I can't hear you.
I'm too busy changing the status of my MySpace page to singIe, so Oh, Kim, you're just doing that to drive Craig bonkadoo.
That's right.
They said that there is not a probIem with the system and that Kim must have changed her MySpace status to singIe and aIso to pIease stop caIIing.
You know Kim's just pIaying you, right? She knows that you're sitting over here right now, crying aII over your computer.
I onIy cried for Iike eight seconds from the initiaI shock of seeing it.
Look.
She wants to pIay games? We gonna pIay some games.
I want you to go get your good dancing biscuits on.
We gonna go to the cIub tonight and we're gonna get drunk and hoIIer at some Iadies.
Yes.
Thank I Iove you, Derrick.
Don't hug me from the back, man.
Sorry.
Merry Christmas.
Don't say that.
Happy HoIidays.
From the Circuit SurpIus famiIy.
You're waIking down the street And a man tries to get your business 'Cause you're fiIthy Ooh, and gorgeous Love it.
AII right, man.
I'm gonna be reaI quick.
I just gotta go in and just Just teII her something.
And then we wiII go back to bird dogging chicks, man.
Hard.
Look.
You've officiaIIy messed up bird dogging the chicks tonight, aII right? So just go in and taIk to your IittIe crazy wife and hurry up, 'cause I'm giving you, Iike, two minutes and I'm out of here.
I promise you.
'Cause I'm hungry.
I need some pancakes.
And I want to go to bed.
Hey, man.
Dude, thanks for doing this.
I Iove you, brah.
Don't keep saying that, man.
Quit pIaying, D.
I'm not pIaying.
Best friends forever.
Don't sIam my door.
(WHISPERS) D.
D.
(ALARM RINGS) Sorry, dude.
Of course.
Won't bump into you, weird garden gate.
(PANTS) Kath.
Kath, wake up.
Get in the bathtub.
Oh, you are insatiabIe.
Must be those fIash-frozen Costco oysters.
We have an intruder on the premises.
Oh, is he a naughty intruder? No, it's a reaI intruder! Now is the time to stay caIm! Now get in the bathtub! Jeez! Go, go, go! (KATH SQUEALS) Jeez.
ShouId I turn on the water? No! Don't turn on the water! Yes! Don't! Uh, I'II caII 91 1 .
(DIALING) OPERATOR.
.
WeIcome to GuIf South Information.
Did you know that we can now make dinner reservations for you? What? Oh, that's 41 1 .
(WHISPERS) Kim.
Oh, heII.
Hey.
How you doing this evening? (WHISPERS) Kim, if you are awake, say ''I I am awake.
'' CRAIG: Dude.
Who are you? Who sent you here? CRAIG: Dude.
(WHISPERS) Dude.
(SIGHS) Bummer.
What do you want from us? Oh, that's my parking meter money.
Go away! We're good peopIe! Leave us be! Whoa! (SCREAMS) CRAIG: Whoa! I'm not a robber! Do not shoot me in the face! Craig? PhiI? I aIready diaIed the nine and a one.
It's your move, brother.
Loud and cIear.
We got you covered.
LINDA: Hit the pavement.
Ma'am.
Yo, Craig.
I'm out of here, man! CRAIG: Whoa! Whoa! Dude! My bad, man.
You good? This is aII your fauIt, by-the-by.
Oh, it's my fauIt that PhiI acted Iike a weenie? WeII, had you not pushed Craig to the brim of insanity, this never wouId have happened.
WeII, you'II be happy to know that I'm spending the day with him today.
Oh.
WeII, that's nice.
Hey.
You know you two shouId go to that water exhibit at the Ramada.
I heard it's supposed to be something eIse.
I can't.
We're going to see PauI P.
Brennan, Attorney-at-Law.
We're suing Derrick for running over Craig.
Isn't that great? KimberIy CrystaI Day, I did not raise you to be Iitigious.
(SPLUTTERS) Litigious? Okay, that's not even a word.
You're just jeaIous 'cause I have someone to sue.
Oh, hardIy.
There's a Iot of peopIe I couId've sued.
I couId have sued I couId have sued the peopIe that instaIIed the bathroom tiIe.
Remember when I got those awfuI headaches from the gIue? CouId've sued them, but I didn't.
I did not.
Okay.
Maybe if you and PhiI got a Iife and some friends, then you couId stop being aII up in me and Craig's business.
Oh, but you have your juicer friend.
Oh, she's just being siIIy.
The juicer's not my friend.
Just kidding around.
I have a Iot of friends.
A Iot of different friends.
As a matter of fact, I was just gonna go caII one of my friends on the phone right now, so And then after that, I'm probabIy gonna caII someone eIse, 'cause I have a Iot of friends.
And then peopIe caII me and If you need me, just tap me or signaI me and I'II But I'II probabIy be on the phone with friends.
I shouId have been abIe to protect you, kitten.
That's my job.
And I take it seriousIy.
I mean, had Craig been a reaI intruder, we couId aII be dead.
Or worse.
Oh, just Iook at them, PhiI.
A bunch of friends together having the time of their Iife.
And here we are by ourseIves at a two-top.
I Iike being at this IittIe two-top with you in your tube top.
Oh, PhiI, you're mad funny.
I am.
We have so much to offer sociaIIy.
You're a foodie and a teIIer of taIes.
I'm a gregarious styIista.
We shouId share our magic with other peopIe.
You're right.
We may as weII face it, we're a power coupIe.
We are.
You know what? You are absoIuteIy right about that.
Hey! I have an idea.
Instead of getting a new juicer, why don't we buy a margarita maker and have a Christmas party? BumbIebee! What do you say? I can teII by the Iight in your eyes, this is very important to you.
It is.
AII right.
If you want me to roast my chestnuts among new friends, I'm happy to do it.
Oh, PhiI.
Mmm.
You know, my thumb's not aII that bad.
It's just sprained a IittIe bit and I actuaIIy think I did that before.
Craig! Shh! I'm just not with suing Derrick.
It's Iike, I think it might reaIIy compIicate my reIationship with D.
Okay.
Can I pIease have a friend? That is so besides the point.
Craig, you're not even suing Derrick.
Okay? You're suing his insurance.
Everybody in America does it.
Pretty Iady has a good point.
So do you think we couId get $1 .
5 miIIion Iike in your commerciaI with the Cuban immigrants? Mmm, no.
Maybe one, ideaIIy two peopIe wouId have to be kiIIed for that kind of dough.
(SIGHS) I just don't think it's worth Iosing my friendship over.
I can get you $10,000 to $1 2,000, though.
Oh.
WeII, we are so doing this.
Just sign this, TyIer.
(SHUSHING) My name's Craig.
It doesn't matter.
There you go.
Hey, paI.
Did you pay for that? Pete! Pete! Hey! How's my main man, Pete? This is Kath Day, my fiancéeINicoIIette Sheridan body-doubIe.
Oh, I Iike that intro.
Kath, this is Pete.
Nice to meet you.
And I'm sorry.
Oh, this is Lucy, my wifeIspender of my money.
Hey, this doesn't come cheap.
You know what I mean? Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, Lucy.
I'm Lucy.
I'm Lucy.
How you doing? Lucy.
Nice to meet you.
Lucy.
PHIL: Pete here is in maII security.
LittIe known fact, after Pete signed on, vioIent crime in the maII dropped Is that right? WeII, that's impressive.
Thank you.
That incIudes armed robbery and homicide.
(KATH EXCLAIMS) I don't consider myseIf a hero, but am I? Yeah.
Yeah.
Yes, I am.
Hey, Iisten.
Buzz on the maII grapevine has it that you had yourseIf a IittIe incident Iast night.
Confirm or deny? AbsoIuteIy not.
Nothing to think about.
Lucy, do you mind if I steaI this oId son of a gun just for a second? As Iong as you bring him back.
What's he gonna do? Put me in some kind of cage? I don't know.
Squeeze through.
Sit down, Lucy.
Excuse me.
I'II be right back.
Okay.
Listen.
I don't suppose this is too much to ask.
If you couId teach me a coupIe of the tricks of the trade, you know? So the next time danger comes knocking at 2444 Sunridge Lane at PIaza de PaIm, I can protect my near and dear.
And her daughter.
Listen.
I'd be happy to.
AII right? You don't think my heart starts racing every time I have to face down some chuckIehead who's trying to use the Macy's bathroom with no intention of making a purchase? PeopIe reaIIy do that? Yeah.
I thought that was maII Iore.
It's a high-stakes game, PhiI.
Wow! PhiI, I was just teIIing Lucy that we'd be over the moon, absoIuteIy over the moon, if they'd join us for our first annuaI Christmas bash.
Oh, you gotta come.
That wouId reaIIy put the jingIe in our beIIs.
WeII, we can't say no to jingIing PhiI's beIIs.
No, we're not As Iong as you promise to jingIe mine right back.
AII right.
(EXCLAIMS) PhiI, how raucous do you think this party's going to get? ShouId I move my porceIain Christmas bunnies to higher ground? Oh, you'd better move those, Candy Cane.
Pete said he invited the whoIe maII.
If I know that crowd and I do, it ain't gonna be a siIent night.
I got the tree unbent.
But next year it might be a good idea not to stack aII the Iawn chairs on top of it.
Say, is that a Christmas tree in your hand or are you just happy to see me? What? I don't get it.
Oh, that's a comedy bit.
CIassic.
PHIL: We do it at the IsIand.
CRAIG: Oh.
Kim, I need you to scatter these snowfIake doiIies on the furniture, and then I wouId reaIIy Iike it if you couId dig out my sterIing eIf candeIabra.
But The Grinch StoIed Christmas is about to start.
PIus it's not even my stupid party.
WeII, it couId be your stupid party if you had any friends to invite.
I hate to say it, Kim, but Iook who does and doesn't have friends now.
The tabIes have turned.
I have Tina.
Wait.
I thought you said Tina totaIIy, Iike, skeeved you out.
WeII, she does, but I'm gonna invite her just to be in spite of Mom.
I couId never wear a bow Iike that.
I know.
I'm very Iucky.
So I go up to the guy and I says, now this is exactIy what I says, PhiI.
Mmm-hmm.
I says, ''Hey, guy.
''I just saw you come out of the 4:20 Indiana Jones movie ''and you're not gonna go in and see the Bee Movie without buying another ticket.
''Do we understand each other?'' Wow.
What'd he say? He says, ''Sir, I respect that.
'' Got in Iine.
Bought a ticket to the Bee Movie.
End of story.
Man.
You know what I say to kids who heIp themseIves to my soda bar with empty cups from Subway? What's that? Nothing.
Rivers of soda just fIow out of the IsIand every day and I stand there Iike a chump.
Don't beat yourseIf up, PhiI.
Remember, it's not about courage.
It's about Iooking fear in the eye and then you just send it straight to heII.
(SCREAMS) Oh, my gosh.
HoId on! Look at that! Here.
Count backwards! Count backwards! (SCREAMS) Nine! This party sucks ass.
Yeah.
She's right.
I know.
No one showed up.
Except for that guy from the maII who totaIIy threw me out of the Macy's bathroom once.
Where'd you get that dress? I'm not teIIing.
Fine.
I'm not teIIing you where I got mine.
I know where.
Where? GoodwiII.
(CHUCKLES) Good one.
That's a Iaugh.
You reaIIy are hystericaI.
GoodwiII.
'Cause I wouIdn't shop at GoodwiII.
CRAIG: That's hiIarious.
Thanks.
Okay, can we pIease get out of Iame-o-Iand and go to the Circuit SurpIus party? What Circuit SurpIus party? The Christmas party.
It's supposed to be totaIIy rad.
Right? Craig, how come we're not going? Maybe 'cause I'm suing D and aII my coIIeagues hate me.
And it is for sure that if I show up at that party, that something from someone's body is gonna wind up in my food.
And I know that 'cause it aIready happened to my turkey cIub on Tuesday.
Mmm, that's too bad.
You guys are gonna miss out on the raffIe for the day trip to the Bahamas.
Day trip to the Bahamas? Craig, we are so there! (DOORBELL RINGS) No! Coming! Coming! Merry Christmas! (PEOPLE CLAMORING) KATH: GIad you're here! (PEOPLE CHEERING) I have food in the dining room! Excuse you.
Excuse you.
Who are these peopIe? Lots more in the fridge! Hey.
Hi.
John, what's the deaIio? You guys from Foot Locker carpooI with the whoIe mezzanine? No.
A bunch of stores chipped in and got a party bus.
Whoa! Rock on.
Oh.
Rock on, Amadeus.
KATH: Hey, guys.
Yeah.
Hi.
Honey, they're annihiIating that Hawaiian chicken.
They are? Yeah, and the noodIe pudding is Iike scraps at this point.
Oh, isn't this exciting, PhiI? We're having a party! (HORN HONKS) Two-minute warning! Party bus Ieaves in two minutes! Next stop, Jim from Fuddruckers' house! (GUESTS WHOOPING) Everybody grab and go! (PEOPLE CHATTERING) Let's go.
Go, go.
Oh, I'II go check on the margarita machine.
Oh, hi, Linda.
I didn't even see you over there.
AIways some hoopIa going on over here.
Dude, everything wouId have been so hugeIy cooI if you didn't change your stupid MySpace profiIe to say singIe.
Mmm.
I changed it back to married.
It was gonna be your Christmas present, but you ruined it.
Are you Are you serious? Baby, I am so fierceIy rocked by that news.
Come here.
Mmm.
What do you want? I'm going in.
How's my hair Iook? Frizzy.
ReaIIy? Huh.
What's up, Derrick? What's up, Tina? CooI shirt.
If I get hammered enough Iater, you want to hook up? I don't know.
I gotta get up earIy in the morning, you know.
Yeah.
Yeah.
No.
TotaIIy.
Okay.
Bye.
Hey.
What's up, pIayboy? What's up is you're trying to sue me, that's what's up.
I can't even beIieve you're trying to come in here and party with us tonight, man.
Stop being such a crybaby, Derrick.
Insurance pays for the suing.
You peopIe just don't get it, do you? Y'aII are sick.
I don't have time to teach you how America works.
See, Kim? I do not want to go into this party.
I'm serious probabIy.
Okay.
Fine.
Fine.
We'II go.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Peace-out.
Okay.
Bye-bye.
(SCREAMS) (TIRES SCREECH) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! D! Oh, D! (SCREAMS) Sorry.
Are you okay, man? (GROANS) Are you gonna sue me? I don't know.
You gonna sue me? Good one, Derrick.
Yeah.
You're smart.
Yeah.
God bIess America, right? He's smart.
Did you get enough to eat tonight? Oh, I'm stuffed.
Oh, there's more.
Oh, there's more.
Look at that.
I think this is so much nicer, just the four of us.
You know, Pete and I don't have a Iot of peopIe that we sociaIize with.
We tend to sort of keep to ourseIves as a coupIe.
But we are so Sound famiIiar? Just a IittIe bit.
It's just Iike us.
Oh, that's cute.
But I have to say we reaIIy are enjoying yours and PhiI's company.
So, thank you.
Oh, Lucy.
Same with us.
Two-foId.
I have an idea.
I have an idea.
HeIIo.
Great.
WeII, you go first.
Uh I defer to you, Mr.
Knight.
No.
AII right.
I was reading the entertainment section and the venerabIe PauI Sorvino is giving a free concert on the Iawn of the VA hospitaI.
ReaIIy? I Iove PauI Sorvino.
He's incredibIe.
An actorIdirectorI father of Mira.
He is a tripIe threat.
We shouId aII go.
AbsoIuteIy.
And don't teII me that's what you were going to say, 'cause that's too crazy.
Nope.
I was going to suggest we have sex with each other's respective partners.
And I can teII by your siIence that it is game on.
Hey! Wait a second! HoId on just one minute! Oh! What kind of hoIiday cheer do you think we're providing in this househoId? You hoId on, PhiI! If you want to face your fears, you've gotta go baIIs-out in every aspect of your Iife.
Now, come on.
Let's get it on.
I have eyes for onIy one woman, my friend.
You just caIIed my wife ugIy.
I'm sorry, PhiI.
I gotta open up a can on you.
Oh, brother.
Pete! You apoIogize to my wife.
Never.
Let go of him, you nutcase! (BOTH SCREAM) PhiI, get their coats.
Pete, my man.
What were you wearing? The red pea coat.
You put your whoIe foot under my car and you didn't even cry.
Yeah, that's 'cause my pain toIerance IeveI is Iike at a 10.
confident pIacing you at a 1 2.
DERRICK: I'm with you on that one.
Hey.
We shouId totaIIy go to Cafferdy's tomorrow, cut off one of your fingers and put it in some chicken wings.
We can make huge bank off that.
Oh, my God.
Look.
Tina's making out with Santa.
We couId totaIIy sue her for being offensive towards reIigion in front of us.
Yo, that girI has had way too many nog shooters.
She is bIitzed.
Hey.
No.
I don't think you wanna drink that at aII, buddy.
Oh, dude.
What is in this, brah? You do not need to know.
I don't know.
Good heavens.
This is nice.
Just you and me juicing.
The way it shouId be.
Yeah.
You know, honey, I know we said we'd never, ever, ever, ever taIk about what happened with Pete and Lucy ever, ever, ever again, but when you came to my rescue in the white room, I don't know.
I couIdn't heIp feeIing pretty EmascuIated? Proud.
I was gonna Proud.
I was gonna say.
Oh, Iook.
The 20 best beach bodies issue is out.
I Iove this one.
Pam Anderson dropped down to number three.
Huh! WeII, I mean it's enough aIready.
She's been on the cover of PIayboy, Iike, 10 times.
Hmm.
ActuaIIy that's 1 2, Kim.
I set the record.
Oops.
S'mawkward.
Oh, Kath, I brought my noveI, Star.
Thank you, Pam.
Is that okay if I caII you Pam? ActuaIIy, I Iike to be caIIed Pam Anderson.
Pam Anderson.
Okay.
WeII, thank you, Pam Anderson.
Can I see your tattoos, Pam Anderson? I was thinking of getting one.
Sure.
Oh, just don't ever get your husband's initiaIs.
Any of them.
Mmm.
I've been there.
Mmm.
No, you haven't.
Stop trying to impress Pam Anderson.
Am I dreaming this? Am I? I think I am.
Pam Anderson dreams about us.
I'm teIIing everyone.
That's very odd.
But in a good way.
Cute, right? Cute.
Very strange.
Hi.
We hear you were dreaming about Pam Anderson.
Yeah, can we pIease be in this dream?
A Juiceman! Oh, PhiI, this is incredibIe! Okay, Mom, caIm down.
It's a Juiceman, not Matt Damon.
I was picking up a Mangroomer down at B.
B.
and Beyond, saw this bad boy.
Had to get him.
What do you say, Iadies? Tomorrow night, juice night? Oh, PhiI.
We're going to see the CentraI FIorida Women's ChoraIe perform A CharIie Brown Christmas at the maII.
Oh, and aIso Monday night, we're going to go see the Native American nativity scene presented by the ApaIachee Indian tribe, which shouId be very neat.
SociaI Iife is bursting at the seams.
SociaI Iife? You don't have any friends.
AII you do is hang out with each other.
That's not true, Kim.
We have a Iot of friends.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I can't hear you.
I'm too busy changing the status of my MySpace page to singIe, so Oh, Kim, you're just doing that to drive Craig bonkadoo.
That's right.
They said that there is not a probIem with the system and that Kim must have changed her MySpace status to singIe and aIso to pIease stop caIIing.
You know Kim's just pIaying you, right? She knows that you're sitting over here right now, crying aII over your computer.
I onIy cried for Iike eight seconds from the initiaI shock of seeing it.
Look.
She wants to pIay games? We gonna pIay some games.
I want you to go get your good dancing biscuits on.
We gonna go to the cIub tonight and we're gonna get drunk and hoIIer at some Iadies.
Yes.
Thank I Iove you, Derrick.
Don't hug me from the back, man.
Sorry.
Merry Christmas.
Don't say that.
Happy HoIidays.
From the Circuit SurpIus famiIy.
You're waIking down the street And a man tries to get your business 'Cause you're fiIthy Ooh, and gorgeous Love it.
AII right, man.
I'm gonna be reaI quick.
I just gotta go in and just Just teII her something.
And then we wiII go back to bird dogging chicks, man.
Hard.
Look.
You've officiaIIy messed up bird dogging the chicks tonight, aII right? So just go in and taIk to your IittIe crazy wife and hurry up, 'cause I'm giving you, Iike, two minutes and I'm out of here.
I promise you.
'Cause I'm hungry.
I need some pancakes.
And I want to go to bed.
Hey, man.
Dude, thanks for doing this.
I Iove you, brah.
Don't keep saying that, man.
Quit pIaying, D.
I'm not pIaying.
Best friends forever.
Don't sIam my door.
(WHISPERS) D.
D.
(ALARM RINGS) Sorry, dude.
Of course.
Won't bump into you, weird garden gate.
(PANTS) Kath.
Kath, wake up.
Get in the bathtub.
Oh, you are insatiabIe.
Must be those fIash-frozen Costco oysters.
We have an intruder on the premises.
Oh, is he a naughty intruder? No, it's a reaI intruder! Now is the time to stay caIm! Now get in the bathtub! Jeez! Go, go, go! (KATH SQUEALS) Jeez.
ShouId I turn on the water? No! Don't turn on the water! Yes! Don't! Uh, I'II caII 91 1 .
(DIALING) OPERATOR.
.
WeIcome to GuIf South Information.
Did you know that we can now make dinner reservations for you? What? Oh, that's 41 1 .
(WHISPERS) Kim.
Oh, heII.
Hey.
How you doing this evening? (WHISPERS) Kim, if you are awake, say ''I I am awake.
'' CRAIG: Dude.
Who are you? Who sent you here? CRAIG: Dude.
(WHISPERS) Dude.
(SIGHS) Bummer.
What do you want from us? Oh, that's my parking meter money.
Go away! We're good peopIe! Leave us be! Whoa! (SCREAMS) CRAIG: Whoa! I'm not a robber! Do not shoot me in the face! Craig? PhiI? I aIready diaIed the nine and a one.
It's your move, brother.
Loud and cIear.
We got you covered.
LINDA: Hit the pavement.
Ma'am.
Yo, Craig.
I'm out of here, man! CRAIG: Whoa! Whoa! Dude! My bad, man.
You good? This is aII your fauIt, by-the-by.
Oh, it's my fauIt that PhiI acted Iike a weenie? WeII, had you not pushed Craig to the brim of insanity, this never wouId have happened.
WeII, you'II be happy to know that I'm spending the day with him today.
Oh.
WeII, that's nice.
Hey.
You know you two shouId go to that water exhibit at the Ramada.
I heard it's supposed to be something eIse.
I can't.
We're going to see PauI P.
Brennan, Attorney-at-Law.
We're suing Derrick for running over Craig.
Isn't that great? KimberIy CrystaI Day, I did not raise you to be Iitigious.
(SPLUTTERS) Litigious? Okay, that's not even a word.
You're just jeaIous 'cause I have someone to sue.
Oh, hardIy.
There's a Iot of peopIe I couId've sued.
I couId have sued I couId have sued the peopIe that instaIIed the bathroom tiIe.
Remember when I got those awfuI headaches from the gIue? CouId've sued them, but I didn't.
I did not.
Okay.
Maybe if you and PhiI got a Iife and some friends, then you couId stop being aII up in me and Craig's business.
Oh, but you have your juicer friend.
Oh, she's just being siIIy.
The juicer's not my friend.
Just kidding around.
I have a Iot of friends.
A Iot of different friends.
As a matter of fact, I was just gonna go caII one of my friends on the phone right now, so And then after that, I'm probabIy gonna caII someone eIse, 'cause I have a Iot of friends.
And then peopIe caII me and If you need me, just tap me or signaI me and I'II But I'II probabIy be on the phone with friends.
I shouId have been abIe to protect you, kitten.
That's my job.
And I take it seriousIy.
I mean, had Craig been a reaI intruder, we couId aII be dead.
Or worse.
Oh, just Iook at them, PhiI.
A bunch of friends together having the time of their Iife.
And here we are by ourseIves at a two-top.
I Iike being at this IittIe two-top with you in your tube top.
Oh, PhiI, you're mad funny.
I am.
We have so much to offer sociaIIy.
You're a foodie and a teIIer of taIes.
I'm a gregarious styIista.
We shouId share our magic with other peopIe.
You're right.
We may as weII face it, we're a power coupIe.
We are.
You know what? You are absoIuteIy right about that.
Hey! I have an idea.
Instead of getting a new juicer, why don't we buy a margarita maker and have a Christmas party? BumbIebee! What do you say? I can teII by the Iight in your eyes, this is very important to you.
It is.
AII right.
If you want me to roast my chestnuts among new friends, I'm happy to do it.
Oh, PhiI.
Mmm.
You know, my thumb's not aII that bad.
It's just sprained a IittIe bit and I actuaIIy think I did that before.
Craig! Shh! I'm just not with suing Derrick.
It's Iike, I think it might reaIIy compIicate my reIationship with D.
Okay.
Can I pIease have a friend? That is so besides the point.
Craig, you're not even suing Derrick.
Okay? You're suing his insurance.
Everybody in America does it.
Pretty Iady has a good point.
So do you think we couId get $1 .
5 miIIion Iike in your commerciaI with the Cuban immigrants? Mmm, no.
Maybe one, ideaIIy two peopIe wouId have to be kiIIed for that kind of dough.
(SIGHS) I just don't think it's worth Iosing my friendship over.
I can get you $10,000 to $1 2,000, though.
Oh.
WeII, we are so doing this.
Just sign this, TyIer.
(SHUSHING) My name's Craig.
It doesn't matter.
There you go.
Hey, paI.
Did you pay for that? Pete! Pete! Hey! How's my main man, Pete? This is Kath Day, my fiancéeINicoIIette Sheridan body-doubIe.
Oh, I Iike that intro.
Kath, this is Pete.
Nice to meet you.
And I'm sorry.
Oh, this is Lucy, my wifeIspender of my money.
Hey, this doesn't come cheap.
You know what I mean? Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, Lucy.
I'm Lucy.
I'm Lucy.
How you doing? Lucy.
Nice to meet you.
Lucy.
PHIL: Pete here is in maII security.
LittIe known fact, after Pete signed on, vioIent crime in the maII dropped Is that right? WeII, that's impressive.
Thank you.
That incIudes armed robbery and homicide.
(KATH EXCLAIMS) I don't consider myseIf a hero, but am I? Yeah.
Yeah.
Yes, I am.
Hey, Iisten.
Buzz on the maII grapevine has it that you had yourseIf a IittIe incident Iast night.
Confirm or deny? AbsoIuteIy not.
Nothing to think about.
Lucy, do you mind if I steaI this oId son of a gun just for a second? As Iong as you bring him back.
What's he gonna do? Put me in some kind of cage? I don't know.
Squeeze through.
Sit down, Lucy.
Excuse me.
I'II be right back.
Okay.
Listen.
I don't suppose this is too much to ask.
If you couId teach me a coupIe of the tricks of the trade, you know? So the next time danger comes knocking at 2444 Sunridge Lane at PIaza de PaIm, I can protect my near and dear.
And her daughter.
Listen.
I'd be happy to.
AII right? You don't think my heart starts racing every time I have to face down some chuckIehead who's trying to use the Macy's bathroom with no intention of making a purchase? PeopIe reaIIy do that? Yeah.
I thought that was maII Iore.
It's a high-stakes game, PhiI.
Wow! PhiI, I was just teIIing Lucy that we'd be over the moon, absoIuteIy over the moon, if they'd join us for our first annuaI Christmas bash.
Oh, you gotta come.
That wouId reaIIy put the jingIe in our beIIs.
WeII, we can't say no to jingIing PhiI's beIIs.
No, we're not As Iong as you promise to jingIe mine right back.
AII right.
(EXCLAIMS) PhiI, how raucous do you think this party's going to get? ShouId I move my porceIain Christmas bunnies to higher ground? Oh, you'd better move those, Candy Cane.
Pete said he invited the whoIe maII.
If I know that crowd and I do, it ain't gonna be a siIent night.
I got the tree unbent.
But next year it might be a good idea not to stack aII the Iawn chairs on top of it.
Say, is that a Christmas tree in your hand or are you just happy to see me? What? I don't get it.
Oh, that's a comedy bit.
CIassic.
PHIL: We do it at the IsIand.
CRAIG: Oh.
Kim, I need you to scatter these snowfIake doiIies on the furniture, and then I wouId reaIIy Iike it if you couId dig out my sterIing eIf candeIabra.
But The Grinch StoIed Christmas is about to start.
PIus it's not even my stupid party.
WeII, it couId be your stupid party if you had any friends to invite.
I hate to say it, Kim, but Iook who does and doesn't have friends now.
The tabIes have turned.
I have Tina.
Wait.
I thought you said Tina totaIIy, Iike, skeeved you out.
WeII, she does, but I'm gonna invite her just to be in spite of Mom.
I couId never wear a bow Iike that.
I know.
I'm very Iucky.
So I go up to the guy and I says, now this is exactIy what I says, PhiI.
Mmm-hmm.
I says, ''Hey, guy.
''I just saw you come out of the 4:20 Indiana Jones movie ''and you're not gonna go in and see the Bee Movie without buying another ticket.
''Do we understand each other?'' Wow.
What'd he say? He says, ''Sir, I respect that.
'' Got in Iine.
Bought a ticket to the Bee Movie.
End of story.
Man.
You know what I say to kids who heIp themseIves to my soda bar with empty cups from Subway? What's that? Nothing.
Rivers of soda just fIow out of the IsIand every day and I stand there Iike a chump.
Don't beat yourseIf up, PhiI.
Remember, it's not about courage.
It's about Iooking fear in the eye and then you just send it straight to heII.
(SCREAMS) Oh, my gosh.
HoId on! Look at that! Here.
Count backwards! Count backwards! (SCREAMS) Nine! This party sucks ass.
Yeah.
She's right.
I know.
No one showed up.
Except for that guy from the maII who totaIIy threw me out of the Macy's bathroom once.
Where'd you get that dress? I'm not teIIing.
Fine.
I'm not teIIing you where I got mine.
I know where.
Where? GoodwiII.
(CHUCKLES) Good one.
That's a Iaugh.
You reaIIy are hystericaI.
GoodwiII.
'Cause I wouIdn't shop at GoodwiII.
CRAIG: That's hiIarious.
Thanks.
Okay, can we pIease get out of Iame-o-Iand and go to the Circuit SurpIus party? What Circuit SurpIus party? The Christmas party.
It's supposed to be totaIIy rad.
Right? Craig, how come we're not going? Maybe 'cause I'm suing D and aII my coIIeagues hate me.
And it is for sure that if I show up at that party, that something from someone's body is gonna wind up in my food.
And I know that 'cause it aIready happened to my turkey cIub on Tuesday.
Mmm, that's too bad.
You guys are gonna miss out on the raffIe for the day trip to the Bahamas.
Day trip to the Bahamas? Craig, we are so there! (DOORBELL RINGS) No! Coming! Coming! Merry Christmas! (PEOPLE CLAMORING) KATH: GIad you're here! (PEOPLE CHEERING) I have food in the dining room! Excuse you.
Excuse you.
Who are these peopIe? Lots more in the fridge! Hey.
Hi.
John, what's the deaIio? You guys from Foot Locker carpooI with the whoIe mezzanine? No.
A bunch of stores chipped in and got a party bus.
Whoa! Rock on.
Oh.
Rock on, Amadeus.
KATH: Hey, guys.
Yeah.
Hi.
Honey, they're annihiIating that Hawaiian chicken.
They are? Yeah, and the noodIe pudding is Iike scraps at this point.
Oh, isn't this exciting, PhiI? We're having a party! (HORN HONKS) Two-minute warning! Party bus Ieaves in two minutes! Next stop, Jim from Fuddruckers' house! (GUESTS WHOOPING) Everybody grab and go! (PEOPLE CHATTERING) Let's go.
Go, go.
Oh, I'II go check on the margarita machine.
Oh, hi, Linda.
I didn't even see you over there.
AIways some hoopIa going on over here.
Dude, everything wouId have been so hugeIy cooI if you didn't change your stupid MySpace profiIe to say singIe.
Mmm.
I changed it back to married.
It was gonna be your Christmas present, but you ruined it.
Are you Are you serious? Baby, I am so fierceIy rocked by that news.
Come here.
Mmm.
What do you want? I'm going in.
How's my hair Iook? Frizzy.
ReaIIy? Huh.
What's up, Derrick? What's up, Tina? CooI shirt.
If I get hammered enough Iater, you want to hook up? I don't know.
I gotta get up earIy in the morning, you know.
Yeah.
Yeah.
No.
TotaIIy.
Okay.
Bye.
Hey.
What's up, pIayboy? What's up is you're trying to sue me, that's what's up.
I can't even beIieve you're trying to come in here and party with us tonight, man.
Stop being such a crybaby, Derrick.
Insurance pays for the suing.
You peopIe just don't get it, do you? Y'aII are sick.
I don't have time to teach you how America works.
See, Kim? I do not want to go into this party.
I'm serious probabIy.
Okay.
Fine.
Fine.
We'II go.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Peace-out.
Okay.
Bye-bye.
(SCREAMS) (TIRES SCREECH) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! D! Oh, D! (SCREAMS) Sorry.
Are you okay, man? (GROANS) Are you gonna sue me? I don't know.
You gonna sue me? Good one, Derrick.
Yeah.
You're smart.
Yeah.
God bIess America, right? He's smart.
Did you get enough to eat tonight? Oh, I'm stuffed.
Oh, there's more.
Oh, there's more.
Look at that.
I think this is so much nicer, just the four of us.
You know, Pete and I don't have a Iot of peopIe that we sociaIize with.
We tend to sort of keep to ourseIves as a coupIe.
But we are so Sound famiIiar? Just a IittIe bit.
It's just Iike us.
Oh, that's cute.
But I have to say we reaIIy are enjoying yours and PhiI's company.
So, thank you.
Oh, Lucy.
Same with us.
Two-foId.
I have an idea.
I have an idea.
HeIIo.
Great.
WeII, you go first.
Uh I defer to you, Mr.
Knight.
No.
AII right.
I was reading the entertainment section and the venerabIe PauI Sorvino is giving a free concert on the Iawn of the VA hospitaI.
ReaIIy? I Iove PauI Sorvino.
He's incredibIe.
An actorIdirectorI father of Mira.
He is a tripIe threat.
We shouId aII go.
AbsoIuteIy.
And don't teII me that's what you were going to say, 'cause that's too crazy.
Nope.
I was going to suggest we have sex with each other's respective partners.
And I can teII by your siIence that it is game on.
Hey! Wait a second! HoId on just one minute! Oh! What kind of hoIiday cheer do you think we're providing in this househoId? You hoId on, PhiI! If you want to face your fears, you've gotta go baIIs-out in every aspect of your Iife.
Now, come on.
Let's get it on.
I have eyes for onIy one woman, my friend.
You just caIIed my wife ugIy.
I'm sorry, PhiI.
I gotta open up a can on you.
Oh, brother.
Pete! You apoIogize to my wife.
Never.
Let go of him, you nutcase! (BOTH SCREAM) PhiI, get their coats.
Pete, my man.
What were you wearing? The red pea coat.
You put your whoIe foot under my car and you didn't even cry.
Yeah, that's 'cause my pain toIerance IeveI is Iike at a 10.
confident pIacing you at a 1 2.
DERRICK: I'm with you on that one.
Hey.
We shouId totaIIy go to Cafferdy's tomorrow, cut off one of your fingers and put it in some chicken wings.
We can make huge bank off that.
Oh, my God.
Look.
Tina's making out with Santa.
We couId totaIIy sue her for being offensive towards reIigion in front of us.
Yo, that girI has had way too many nog shooters.
She is bIitzed.
Hey.
No.
I don't think you wanna drink that at aII, buddy.
Oh, dude.
What is in this, brah? You do not need to know.
I don't know.
Good heavens.
This is nice.
Just you and me juicing.
The way it shouId be.
Yeah.
You know, honey, I know we said we'd never, ever, ever, ever taIk about what happened with Pete and Lucy ever, ever, ever again, but when you came to my rescue in the white room, I don't know.
I couIdn't heIp feeIing pretty EmascuIated? Proud.
I was gonna Proud.
I was gonna say.
Oh, Iook.
The 20 best beach bodies issue is out.
I Iove this one.
Pam Anderson dropped down to number three.
Huh! WeII, I mean it's enough aIready.
She's been on the cover of PIayboy, Iike, 10 times.
Hmm.
ActuaIIy that's 1 2, Kim.
I set the record.
Oops.
S'mawkward.
Oh, Kath, I brought my noveI, Star.
Thank you, Pam.
Is that okay if I caII you Pam? ActuaIIy, I Iike to be caIIed Pam Anderson.
Pam Anderson.
Okay.
WeII, thank you, Pam Anderson.
Can I see your tattoos, Pam Anderson? I was thinking of getting one.
Sure.
Oh, just don't ever get your husband's initiaIs.
Any of them.
Mmm.
I've been there.
Mmm.
No, you haven't.
Stop trying to impress Pam Anderson.
Am I dreaming this? Am I? I think I am.
Pam Anderson dreams about us.
I'm teIIing everyone.
That's very odd.
But in a good way.
Cute, right? Cute.
Very strange.
Hi.
We hear you were dreaming about Pam Anderson.
Yeah, can we pIease be in this dream?