Kenan (2021) s01e09 Episode Script

1
Ooh, T-G-I-F, baby.
Ooh, I'm about to sleep in,
go to the club
Good for you. It must be nice.
What's wrong, man? Work's over.
It's the weekend.
We got two days to chill, baby.
Not when you're a single dad.
How many times I gotta tell you, man?
You are not a single dad.
You got me. You got Rick.
We're like a papa-ge à trois.
Yeah, and just like in a ménage à trois,
one person has to do all the dirty work.
- Me.
- Ew.
I love my girls, but they
got so much going on now,
it's actually less stressful
for me to be at work.
So, like, my weeks are like my weekends,
and my weekends are my weeks.
Oh, so, like, your
Monday's like your Friday,
or like Thursday, because
Thursday is your new Friday.
No, your Sunday is my Friday.
Well, I guess now Thursday.
Which makes Friday my Monday.
Got it, got it, completely understand.
So you would have
Thanksgiving on Tuesday, then?
I'm not pitching a full
calendar rearrange here, Gary,
I'm just making a comparison,
- all right?
- Gotcha.
I probably won't even
see you till Monday.
Okay, wait, but hold on.
Whose Monday? Your Monday or my Monday?
Gary, please.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Dad, can I get a Snickers?
- No.
- Can I get a phone?
- No.
- Why?
Because they are bad for you.
Which one? The phone or the Snickers?
Both. Now, c'mon, we're late. Here.
[INDISTINCT WHINING]
Yeah, I know. Yeah, I know.
- But Piper got one!
- I don't care what Piper eats.
No, I'm talking about the phone.
- Piper eats phones?
- No, Snickers.
That's what I said. No Snickers.
Oh! Come on, get in the car.
Get in the car!
Giddy-up, Daddy! Giddy-up!
- I'm giddy-ing! I'm giddy-ing!
- Come on!
More like giddying-down to me.
Hey, can y'all keep it down, man?
It's 11:30. Some of us
had to twerk last night.
It's only 11:30?
Nap time. See you at dinner.
- [GIRLS GIGGLING]
- Hey, hey, here we go.
- I need some sugar cubes!
- Blblblblb!
[UPBEAT FUNKY MUSIC]
Good morning. Good morning.
The weekend is over!
Are y'all ready for this?
T-G-I-M, T-G-I-M.
Hey, Pam, c'mon, T-G-I-M.
No.
Good morning ♪
Mika!
- T-G-I-M!
- Shh, shh, shh, shh.
I am on no sleep, okay?
I got wild this weekend
with a capital W.
The Cheryl Strayed memoir
from ten years ago.
Mm, could not put it down.
Okay, well, I got a little wild myself.
I sprained two fingers playing Trouble.
You hear what I did there?
I said I sprained
Did anyone else enjoy the joke?
Kenan, it is 4:30 Monday morning.
Why you gotta act
like a dude in an '80s movie
who gets laid and then comes in
in the best mood of his life?
Because I'm at work now,
and I finally get some me time
to destress, let my mind
wander, read my phone,
maybe even go to the potty
for longer than five minutes
without somebody banging on the door
and asking me to scoop a Lego
out their nose.
Yeah, you gotta take away Gary's Legos.
Oh! Well, who wants to toast
to a happy Monday?
Anybody? Cheers? Anybody?
Oh, I know you want to toast
to it, you handsome devil,
A salud!
Wake up, wake up, wake up,
wake up, wake up ♪
Now, I'm known
for my chicken fried streak.
- Okay.
- And my steak fried chicken
Yes, you are.
And my chicken fried rice pudding.
Okay.
But nowadays, folks want healthy,
so we're gonna make a lovely
red wine vinaigrette salad.
Boo!
More like ooh! Gorgeous.
No way. In my book, lettuce is just
a plate for mozzarella sticks,
am I right about that?
A salad. The answer to the question:
What's mostly water
and tastes like the ground?
[LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE]
Oh, sorry, Betsy,
looks like we're getting
breaking news from City Hall.
Weeks of negotiations
between the school board
and the teachers union have broken down,
and teachers are threatening to strike.
Good. Strike. Show them who's boss.
All Atlanta teachers
could walk off the job
as soon as midnight tonight.
I hope they do. Fight the power.
Leaving thousands of parents
at a loss for childcare.
- Say what now?
- So y'all might wanna prepare for.
Bring-Your-Child-To-Work-Month!
Or, heck, even year.
So our kids are just gonna
be with us all the time?
Like, even all me time?
- Oh, God, oh, God.
- Shh.
That wine is for cooking.
He's fine.
So, girls, how are you?
How're your teachers?
Do they strike you as happy?
Do they strike you as unhappy?
Have they been using the word "strike"?
Well, Linda says it's inappropriate
to talk about that stuff around us.
Uh, Linda? Who's Linda?
- My teacher.
- Wow. Huh.
If I called my teacher
by her first name,
my mom would have whooped
the handsome off me
is what I woulda said
if my mom lived with us.
She married our neighbor.
Your childhood man, whoa.
She was right there,
like the whole time?
Yeah, she was in the hood.
She would wave occasionally.
That is not enough.
Well, I love Linda. I think she's nice.
Who cares if she's nice?
She's supposed to impose
discipline and get results.
These days, everybody
is more concerned about
feelings than teaching. That's why they
keep cranking out kids that
can't handle the real world,
- like Gary.
- Hey, my problems
are not my teachers' fault.
They are somebody else's fault entirely.
Case in point.
You know, there was a time
when I thought about becoming a teacher,
but my "Full Metal Jacket" style
just wouldn't fly anymore,
and I dropped out in the 7th grade.
You teaching?
I would both love
and be terrified to see that.
Well, I think I do well in school
because Linda's nice. She supports me.
Yeah, now our teachers need our support.
That is why we stand with the onion.
Well, normally I am pro-onion as well,
but in this case,
I just hope the school board
comes to their senses before
Well, it's official.
The teachers are now on strike,
leaving thousands
of parents without child
Hey, hey, psst, hey,
come down from there.
Birdie, come down.
No, no, no, go over there.
Leaving thousands of parents
without childcare.
Excuse me, sweetheart.
Excuse me,
we're trying to do a show here.
- Okay, honey
- Honey, you gotta move.
Well, it's official.
The teachers are now on strike,
leaving thousands of parents without
All right. You know what?
I'm gonna come over here. All right.
Starting to feel like my weekend.
[CLEARING THROAT] Well, it's official.
The teachers are now
I said no!
[CHILDREN CHATTERING]
Childcare.
There doesn't seem to be a sign
that the stalemate
will slow down anytime
Can y'all come get y'all babies?
What if I only use it for emergencies?
You mean like if you're starving?
Look, those commercials are not real.
You're not gonna turn into Danny Trejo
just because you don't get a Snickers.
I'm the one who wants the phone.
I'm the one that wants the Snickers.
And I'm the one
that's saying no to you both.
Hey, baby girls.
There's some donuts in the break room.
- We never get donuts for breakfast!
- Oh, hey, just one!
Question: Who is having all these kids?
Most our crew is unbangable.
Did you know Roy Props has a newborn?
Dude's like 60 and has total VDE.
You mean BDE?
Oh, no, V, for vasectomy.
It's a vibe.
- Ah!
- I don't like your dress.
Aw, I don't care.
[SNICKERS]
Actually, I do care.
I don't know how we're gonna
work like this, Kenan.
All right, look, relax.
I already bribed Gary
to watch all the kids.
He's great. He was
a Chuck E. Cheese mascot.
- Oh.
- Tag. You it.
Oh, my God. Eric, get off the catwalk!
[PERCUSSIVE MUSIC]
If you could just get these kids
on an organic diet, their behavior
would improve drastically.
Oh, is that what the nanny
who raises your kids told you?
She doesn't raise them.
Braden called her Mom one month.
Uh-oh.
Why are we stopping?
Guys, I have strike research
for you in my office.
We gotta keep doing our jobs.
Oh, there go the cool girls right there.
Who, them?
No, these aren't like the
teens we grew up with, Mika.
Have you seen "Euphoria"? They're bad.
Amy's right. The girls that
I went to high school with
did my homework.
Oh, I was the bully.
I should have said that.
- Hmm, well
- Yeah.
- I was cool.
- [LAUGHING]
Okay, fine, I wasn't,
but that's the beauty
of being grown, right?
I mean, that stuff
doesn't matter anymore.
Watch this. Hey, ladies.
I'm sure you're having fun
just skipping school
and Twitching all day,
but can do you do it somewhere else?
Yeah, we're not Twitching.
We're doing important school work.
Just 'cause we don't have teachers
doesn't mean we don't have
to learn how to fix the world
that your generation broke.
Okay, Boomer?
[GIRLS GIGGLING]
Okay, so I'm on the Gen-X
millennial cusp, right?
So not responsible for anything really.
Good or bad.
I mean, look, apathy
was in style at the time.
Not that I'm apolitical now.
Actually, I run
a women in business forum
We're not interested
in your cis-gendered feminism
from the 1900s.
Your view of womanhood is so narrow.
Please and thank you.
[GIRLS GIGGLING]
- Conference room.
- Oh, sweet couch.
Ah, just a couple minutes, yeah.
Ah-hem! We need help with our homework.
But the teachers are on strike.
They left worksheets.
Well, how thoughtful of Linda.
Come on.
What's a protozoa?
Uh, skip.
Did you know anything times one is one?
I don't think that's how that works.
I don't think I can skip the protozoa.
All right, well, just put down
- what Spider-Man was fighting.
- Daddy, I'm not playing.
All right. Alexa, what's a protozoa?
Protozoa is an informal term
for a group of single-celled eukaryotes.
Okay, Alexa, fart.
[FART SOUND]
Technology.
Aubrey, be careful!
Damn, I'm sorry. I'm raising my voice.
It's very unlike me.
See? 12 times 1 is 1.
No, Birdie, it's 12 again.
Again, I apologize for raising my voice.
It's just, y'all,
this is usually when Daddy
usually destresses
- and relaxes.
- Hey, Kenan,
- we're taping promos, so.
- Read the room, Phil!
Hey, we're all having
a hell of a day here!
I know, I'm sorry!
- Me too!
- All right.
Let's have a hug then.
[THUD]
Gravity!
Wake up, wake up,
wake up, wake up, wake up ♪
- Wake up
- Disturbing news from upstate ♪
where two federal inmates have escaped
and are considered to be armed and
Silly.
Yes, they are armed
with Silly String.
That's right.
Semi-automatic Silly String,
which they borrowed from their guards,
who they savagely
tickled to sleep.
Witness say the inmates,
who were life sentences
for a string of ra
ainbows and tickling parties
were high on life
during the escape, which basically
made them invincible.
Yes, like superheroes, that's right.
Meth man and Crank Boy.
- And we're out!
- [BELL RINGS]
Can somebody tell me
whose child this is?
He just jumped on my back and
started calling me Hodor.
Aw, nah. Oh, hell nah.
This maniac is peeing on me.
Okay, I quit. I'm done.
This is a Isabel Marant shirt.
Gary, you can't just quit.
This ain't like going to the dentist.
Look, I don't care if it
rots your brains, all right?
Just please keep watching
the television.
Oh, man, what a week.
Ha. Try two days, champ.
Oh, man, that's right.
Man, not only are my
responsibilities around here
double what they were because
Cori used to do half,
but now I don't
even get a break from them?
Cori did half?
- She did three-quarters.
- Ahem.
Okay, fine, she did 99% of everything,
but, man, I'm about to snap.
I can't function like this.
I yelled at my kids today.
And some other people's kids.
Look, this is just so not like me.
It's not your fault, man.
These little weasels are undisciplined.
You need help.
Are you offering?
Yes, I am.
This retirement thing is boring as hell.
I did a Dr. Ken's MasterClass.
It took me four hours to figure out
he was doing comedy and not medicine.
Wow.
Besides, I mean, how hard
can teaching be, really?
Thank you, but I don't need
you to teach them.
I just need you to keep
them in the conference room
long enough for us
to get some work done.
And, if I happen to get a little me time
in the meantime, I'm not mad at you.
The best way to hold a child captive
is to captivate their mind.
Every time you start a sentence,
it's its own unique nightmare.
Just keep 'em in the damn room.
- Hey, I head you.
- Thank you.
- Dad, Aubrey hit me.
- She started it.
So I guess your help starts tomorrow?
What's today?
[ELECTRONIC DRUM BEAT]
♪
Calm yourselves.
[KIDS QUIET DOWN]
Welcome to class.
Oh, gosh.
I am your teacher.
You may call me Mr. Noble or sir.
Now let me tell you how this works.
You sit there, you don't talk.
You listen, even if you don't
care what I'm saying.
It's called school.
Or, later on you find out, marriage.
Now, I'm aware that the age
ranges are from 7 to 17,
so we're gonna start out
with something universal:
Accountability.
Now, here we go. We're gonna
[LAUGHTER]
What is that? How did you do.
Check this out, y'all.
That's disgusting.
Colorful, but disgusting.
What! Hey, show some respect.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
- Ah!
- Oh, hell no.
Who did it?
Because if you 18,
we about to fight right now.
And if you're not, call your
daddy, so I can fight him.
♪
Food fight!
No, no, no, no!
Aah!
This has got to stop.
Get the teacher's union
and the school board on the phone, now.
I'm taking back my me time.
Hey, Rick, give that man back
his wheelchair.
Okay, Michelle, thank you.
I think I'm good on the powder.
That's it, you're gonna live
with Mommy and Chad in Denver.
Hope you like omelets, Eric.
All right, Kenan,
a lot riding on this, pal.
Did you read all the
strike research I sent you?
'Cause this thing is very complicated,
so if you're gonna mediate,
you gotta know the stuff.
Copy that.
No, I mean copy these notes
and tape them underneath my desk.
I didn't have a chance to read nothing.
No, no.
Welcome back to a very
special segment on "Wake Up."
As the strike hits
its fourth contentious day,
I am joined now by a member
of the Teachers Union,
and my daughter's favorite teacher,
Linda Phillips,
and the head of the
school board, Andrew Dunn.
Now Andrew,
the teachers are asking for a 6% raise.
Don't you think that's reasonable?
Unfortunately,
the state has cut our budget
every year since 2008.
We don't have the funding.
Well, there you have it, Linda.
I mean, there's nothing you can do
if they don't have the funding.
Am I right?
No, because they do have it.
- They do?
- Yes.
The board allocates the funds,
and I'm sorry,
but they just have not made
teachers a priority.
Well, it's simple.
Andrew, you just gotta
make the teachers a priority.
- Well, it's not that easy.
- No, it certainly is not, is it?
Why don't you expand
on that while I, um
It's my daughter's cursive worksheet.
How'd that get in there?
Why do y'all even still teach
cursive in school, Linda?
Oh, my God. That B is terrible.
You see, we already
have millions allocated
to increasing their pension.
- Millions?
- Yes.
And despite our insistence
that that increase
will bankrupt us.
We don't have it. Plain and simple.
Well, I'm not seeing that here,
but it's plain and simple, Linda.
It's actually not plain and simple.
No, it's not.
Nothing ever is.
The funds have been grossly mismanaged.
They invested our pensions in Theranos.
After the documentary.
- It's ridiculous.
- That is ridiculous, Andrew.
- It's also a lie.
- That's a ding-dang lie, Linda.
How could you do me like this?
After all of the Color Me Mine
gift cards I've sent you?
This is how you do me?
A lie?
You're gonna call the teachers liars?
- I think he is, Linda.
- Gary, be not here.
Well, I'm getting the signal
to wrap it up here,
but call me optimistic.
I think we fixed it. Did we work it out?
We didn't work it out, did we?
Man, I don't know how much
more of this I can take.
I haven't had over one minute
of me time in over a week.
- I'm running on fumes.
- Speaking of fumes, man,
when's the last time you showered?
I guess it's been a while.
At least it can't get any worse.
[GASPS] There he is!
[YELLING, BOOING]
CHANTING: Teachers don't lie!
Teachers don't lie!
- Teachers don't lie.
- Shall we go the long way?
- Yeah.
- Yeah let's take the long way.
Some teachers lie.
Y'all lyin' about that lie.
[GIGGLING]
Why aren't y'all with Papa Rick?
And where did you get
a phone and a Snickers?
You bought Birdie a phone?
Snickers. Gave Aubrey a phone.
- Why you bribing my kids?
- I'm bribin' all the kids,
because that's the only way
you can get 'em to listen.
Look, man. Kids
are impossible. We've
been with them for one week.
And it's changed us.
- It definitely changed Dad.
- For the worse.
Excuse me, but this has been a
really rough week on your pops.
I mean, imagine if your school
had no recess
and it never stopped,
and then every single
person at the school
depended on your for
everything, or they would die.
I mean, that's basically
what being an adult is.
Dark.
I mean, we love our teachers, Dad.
Linda's the best, Dad.
Hmm.
I guess I shouldn't have
called her a liar, huh?
That was my bad.
I was just a little stressed.
- I made a mistake.
- So apologize.
That's what you tell us to do
when we make mistakes.
Man, don't ya hate it
when they use your own advice
against you?
I do.
[CROWD BOOING]
TEACHERS: Teachers get an A.
Kenan gets an F.
Teachers get an A. Kenan gets an F!
Okay, one, two, three, eyes on me.
- [ALL BOOING]
- Okay, sorry.
Just a little joke.
- I know, I know
- Booooooo!
I never should have gone
against y'all on TV.
I'm sorry. I just wanted
the strike to end
because not having school sucks.
My job is like a weekend,
and your job is like my actual weekend,
which is more like my week
I don't want to go down
that rabbit hole again.
Look, the point is
I was selfish.
But this isn't about me.
This is about the kids.
And, Linda, I'm sorry.
You have gotten my daughters
through a lot of tough times.
So I am calling on all
Atlanta parents to join me.
'Cause remember, the more
you hate being with your kids,
the more money our teachers deserve!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
That's right. All right.
[THUNK, THUNK]
I'm sorry. It look like these kids
aren't goin' anywhere for a while.
Oh, I don't know about that.
I used your speech to start
a GoFundMe for the teachers.
It's already up 20K.
Wow!
Feels good to help, right?
Or the teachers will
have enough leverage,
the board will have to fold,
and then you'll get your "me time" back.
Yes!
You brilliant devil.
Real talk, I need those teens gone.
Haven't felt this lame
since the entire high school
found out that me and the nurse
were best friends.
It's not weird. I asked to shadow her,
and the friendship developed from there.
Yeah, I hate to say this, Mika, but, uh,
those girls might be right.
You are not cool.
Oh, well, thanks.
That's a weird pep talk.
You're hot.
- Aw
- You see what I did there?
- I see it!
- You see what I did?
Yeah.
And you're great.
So screw them.
Thanks.
Yeah, screw 'em.
Girl, no cap,
that GoFundMe is a whole mewd!
You're like Greta Funberg!
Like, I highkey love you. Like, wig!
- Hey!
- Hey!
- Get lost, Grandpa.
- That was my muffin!
You can sit right there.
- You look so cute today.
- Stop!
- Your hair is amazing.
- I know; It's mine.
This is Chelsea A, And Chelsea L.
Oh, that's what a protozoa is.
My bad. I couldn't have been
further away.
And Uno
Dang, again?
Little Birdie is sharp, man.
- Dang!
- Bon Appetit.
Magazine caught a little on fire
about halfway through the recipe,
so I had to improvise a little.
When in doubt,
just add hot dogs and raisins.
- That's gross.
- Oh, yum-my!
Uch!
Wow, look at us, all workin' together.
You know, I'm glad that strike happened.
It's brought us all so much
closer together as a family.
Yeah, I love y'all.
- [PHONE CHIMES]
- I love you, Dad.
Uh, hold up!
Strike's over. The school board folded!
Let the me time begin!
[WHOOPING, CHEERING]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
That's disgusting.
I'm going out for sushi.