Kidding (2018) s01e09 Episode Script
Lt. Pickles
1 [ENNUI LE TRISTE.]
Previously on Kidding Pickles on Ice, starring Mr.
Pickles himself, as played by gold medalist Tara Lipinski.
[JEFF.]
I want my head back.
Pickles on Ice requires a Mr.
Pickles, Jeff.
Otherwise, it's just Tara Lipinski ice dancing through a fever dream.
[DISQUIETING WALTZ.]
Here.
[JOSIP.]
Today's hidden ingredient - Ecstasy! - He's some Croatian voice actor.
[WILL.]
Hi, Havana? - [MADDY SCREAMING.]
- Maddy, we're not getting divorced.
I promise.
[SCOTT.]
This is Mr.
Pickles-san.
He's gonna follow Uncle Jeff around for a few weeks and then bring back what he learned to Japan.
English, eh mm not amazing.
You speak English? [UNACCENTED.]
I'm not speaking English.
What the actual fuck? I'm in remission.
I love you so much.
[VIVIAN.]
Now that I can plan ahead, I'm sorry.
Those plans don't involve you.
[EIGHT-BIT MUSIC.]
It'sss all so beautiful! Agh! Quel fromage! - Agh! - Mr.
Pickles agh! [GUNFIRE.]
[CHATTERING EXCITEDLY.]
[JEFF.]
Every pain needs a name.
[GIBBERS.]
Ah! Excuse me.
Hey.
What? Uh, can I buy three chickens? [EIGHT-BIT MUSIC CONTINUES ON PHONE.]
[MAN MIMICKING GUNSHOTS.]
Some college kid put it together.
We're sending a cease-and-desist.
[ENNUI LE TRISTE.]
Quel fromage! - Has Jeff seen this? - We don't know.
Please get this game taken down before he does.
It'll upset him.
You won't like him when he's upset.
[DISQUIETING SYNTH MUSIC.]
[TV ANNOUNCER.]
Today through December eighth at the Columbus City Convention Center, Tara Lipinski Visits Pickle Barrel Falls On Ice! Get your tickets now.
[CELL PHONE RINGING AND BUZZING.]
Hello? [OTHER JEFF.]
Your father loves you, Jeff, but he's going to animate you.
- Who is this? - He doesn't want to, but he will.
He's asking all around Eastern Europe, where talent is cheap and plentiful, trying to find a voice like yours.
Am I on the radio? He wanted me to call and threaten you.
I said no.
I'm your friend.
But there are hundreds like me, Jeff.
Time's running out.
It's not too late.
Listen to your father, Jeff.
Fall in line, Jeff.
Your entire existence is at stake! - [LINE BEEPING.]
- Please, Jeff! I learn English from watching your show.
[DARK MUSIC.]
Hello.
[OTHER OTHER JEFF.]
Listen, fucko.
Don't listen to that other guy.
He's crazy.
I need this job.
I have a large Serbian family.
Little Ognjen needs his sarma! Blow your fucking brains out.
I want to see your skull fragments bounce off the White House windows! Make me cartoon, pickle man.
Make me cartoon! Please leave me alone.
[FAINT GUNFIRE.]
[VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYING.]
[THE OOPS.]
Oops, you got me! [GUNFIRE.]
[ASTRONOTTER BABBLING.]
[SY.]
It's all so beautiful! [GUNFIRE, MUSIC CONTINUE.]
What are you guys playing? I need something from you.
I spoke to our lawyers.
They're getting it taken down immediately.
Getting what taken down immediately? Nothing.
Is the Pickles on Ice-tacular sold out? Because St.
Joan's said that I could take 20 of my sick little pickle pals.
One of them, Brian, has Landau-Kleffner syndrome.
His wish was to meet Ms.
Lipinski.
I promised I would grant it.
What happened to my office, Jeff? Did you do that? Did you call several Serbian Jeffs? I'm worried Vivian breaking up with you the way she did has put you in a particularly dark place.
A woman is gonna live! It's a miracle.
We should be happy for her.
I know I am! Tell you what: don't go to D.
C.
next week, and I'll rethink turning you into a cartoon.
You're not turning me into a cartoon, and I am going to D.
C.
, because I have to light the national tree.
I don't want you on live TV.
You're in too much pain.
I stood behind that podium months after my son died, and nobody tried to stop me.
I don't see why some run-of-the-mill breakup suddenly tips the scales.
I'm beginning to think that last year was a mistake, and I'm sorry, but last year, your eyes were soft.
Your voice was a Mormon trumpet, a peaceful horn.
Now you are a bagpipe of insanity.
This is not insanity.
This is how honesty looks when you're inside out and upside down.
Jeff, you're having a breakdown.
[DARK ORCHESTRAL MUSIC.]
I'm having a breakthrough.
You know, I've never seen you lie, except to yourself.
I'll get the tickets for the ice show.
I'm glad you're coming around to it.
[SIGHS.]
[VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYS.]
[ASTRONOTTER BABBLES.]
[SY.]
It'sss all so agh! [ENNUI LE TRISTE.]
Quel fromage! [CHICKENS CLUCKING.]
[PAINT HISSING.]
[BLACK LIPS' "MAKE YOU MINE" PLAYING.]
Waking up And hit the ground running Eyes on the prize, we'll cloud our eyes The river streams keep on flowing You're leaving town It's a brand-new day What was it now, you're in, not out While those wheels keep on turning [PEOPLE YELLING, CHICKENS CLUCKING.]
I need a little loving Tell me everything Will be all right It's only ten more miles And I'm coming on home tonight Gonna make you mine Gonna make you mine I need to know, did you have sexual relations with the Japanese version of your brother? Mr.
Pickles-san is independently handsome.
I would rip you a new one if you had any asshole left.
Seriously, where do you get this stuff? Me, a homosexual? I am the straightest dude I ever met.
Go, Buckeyes.
We had that whole coded conversation about pianos and clarinets! I was talking about pianos and clarinets.
What-what-what were you talking about? Your daughter saw her piano teacher giving you a hand job in our driveway! Oh, my God, who knows what she saw? Rex is my friend.
Sure, we garden sometimes, but there's nothing lurid going on between us.
You almost came out to me, Scott! [SCOTT.]
When? That night in bed! All I remember is a night you wanted me to name a happy child of divorce, so think about that before you become your mother.
[LAUGHING.]
You're gay.
You're gay.
You're gay.
You're gay, gay, gay, gay, gay! And my pussy needs attention.
My pussy needs attention.
Can I go to Pop-Pop's? Why do you hate me? I don't hate you even when I hate you.
Don't forget your promise.
Yeah, I remember.
You promised you and Dad would always stay together.
I did say that.
I remember.
Hi.
Hi.
Is that what you're wearing to the premiere? Mommy's not coming.
No, Scott's in an he's in one of his moods.
I think he's depressed.
[SCOTT.]
I love pussy! Hey, it's gonna be okay.
- Is it? - [SEB.]
Yes.
That's good.
Did you really think you could commit such a blatant infidelity - without any consequences? - I'm sorry.
I wasn't thinking.
I was selfish.
I'm a terrible person.
A child lives in this house, Deirdre.
We'll tell her you're away on a trip.
Fine, you should tell her.
I'm a terrible liar.
Oh.
Ohayo gozaimasu.
[SPEAKING JAPANESE.]
He needs to find another place to sleep.
I agree.
He's overstayed his welcome.
A-and seriously, how much longer do you need to stay here? It-it-it's a puppet show.
You're not learning the ways of the freaking Jedi.
Have a nice day.
[SCOTT.]
Yeah, fuck you.
God damn it.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
I think we should fuck.
[UNEASY MUSIC.]
[DEIRDRE BREATHING HEAVILY.]
I cannot.
I'm sorry.
All Pickles-sans take a vow of chastity.
This has been tradition since the show began.
How many Pickles-sans have there been? I'm the second.
I think we should fuck.
I cannot.
I'm sorry.
I serve a higher moral authority: the children of Japan.
I think we should fuck! [SARA.]
Who wants an autograph? [CHILDREN.]
Oh, I do.
I do.
[SARA.]
Oh, here you go, kid.
I like that sweater.
- [GIRL.]
Thank you.
- [SARA.]
Who's next? - [GIRL.]
I am.
- She's beautiful.
You really like watching Ms.
Lipinski, don't you, Brian? If I stop watching, she'll fall down.
Well, then you better not take your eyes off her.
[CELL PHONE RINGING AND BUZZING.]
Hmm.
Hello.
[PRINCIPAL WARD.]
Hi, Mr.
Pickles.
This is Principal Ward from Will's school.
We have a bit of a situation here.
[VIDEO GAME BEEPING.]
[MIMICKING GUNSHOTS.]
[ENNUI LE TRISTE.]
Oh, mon dieu! Life is meaningless.
[SY BUZZES.]
[ASTRONOTTER BABBLING.]
[SOAP SCUM.]
Hey, that hurts! Looks like someone got a new phone.
[VIDEO GAME GUNFIRE.]
[SOAP SCUM YELLING.]
[PRINCIPAL WARD.]
Thank you, Will.
You can wait out here.
Can I see the parents now, and only the parents? Have they found number three yet? [WHISPERING.]
There is no number three, is there? [LAUGHS.]
Why'd you do it? To impress that girl.
You think she got the message? [SIGHS.]
Women.
Women.
There is no good way to say this.
One of Will's chickens pecked a cook in the genitalia.
It swelled up, and we had to put a special sock around it.
Will generally doesn't act like this.
He'll apologize.
I like Will, but he's changed.
He has new friends, and I can't prove it, but I think he's smoking marijuana.
It's an epidemic.
[PRINCIPAL WARD.]
Every family has a Will.
My brother Paul started as a Will.
Paul owes a lot of people money.
Paul once got so drunk on alcohol, he broke into a bowling alley at night and fried his own food at the snack bar.
I don't think Will is Paul yet, so I'm letting him off with a warning.
Thank you for your lenience and your candor.
The pot thing, we take very seriously.
Why can't Will be an asshole? Hmm? Why can't Will be an asshole? I'm sorry.
I like that he's an asshole.
I don't know why.
Sometimes it's okay to be an asshole.
Sometimes the world needs assholes.
Paul sounds awesome.
I'd like to hang out with Paul.
Paul's living his best life.
I don't understand.
I do.
We love our children.
We love them when they're good, but we love them more when they challenge us.
When children misbehave, they're reminding us of how much we must love them if we're still willing to tuck them in at night.
When Will acts out, it reminds her of his deceased brother.
I think we should suspend him.
[SNIFFLES.]
I'm sorry, I have to go.
[WILL.]
What happened? [SIGHS.]
You're suspended.
Now let's go get some hotcakes.
Yeah? All of us? Did you want me to join, or are you guys just want family time? Um, I think just the family, if that's okay.
Principal Ward, I found the number three chicken.
Good work, Barnaby.
Uh, let's get out of here.
[DOOR BANGS OPEN.]
Jeff's left.
I don't think he's coming back.
Put on the Pickles.
No, I'm sorry.
I promised him I would be myself and only myself.
[SEB.]
I've sunk my reputation and a considerable chunk of my 401(K) into this endeavor.
The people need the Pickles.
The puppets need to find Mr.
Pickles, or the ice narrative has no ending.
- Listen to reason.
- [PARAKEET SQUAWKS.]
You're beautiful just the way you are.
Shut up! Sorry.
That's our new parakeet, Sarakeet.
Uh, she talks too much, - uh, kind of like me.
- [SARAKEET SQUAWKS.]
I don't think I've ever seen you talk.
Uh, well, I only try to talk during meals because it-it keeps me from eating.
It's a diet I made up.
[SARAKEET.]
Shut up, skinny bitch.
[SQUAWKS.]
[DRAMATIC DRUM MUSIC.]
I tell you what, Tara's sister.
"Sah-ra.
" Actually, Sarah.
I go by Sarah now.
I don't care what it rhymes with.
How would you like your turn in the limelight Sarah? [JAUNTY PIANO MUSIC.]
[ANNOUNCER.]
It's that time, pickle pals.
Astronotter, Ennui Le Triste, The Oops, and all their friends invite you to take the hand of the loved one sitting next to you and brace yourselves for a trip down Pickle Barrel Falls.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[LAUGHTER.]
Disaster! Monsieur Pickles has gone missing! [THE OOPS.]
Without him, we cannot survive.
- [ASTRONOTTER GIBBERS.]
- [ENNUI LE TRISTE.]
Maybe, with the help of Tara Lipinski, we can locate him.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Did you and Grandma ever fight? Oh, all the time.
She cheated on me.
Then I cheated on her.
Then we got a divorce.
She took the cat.
Hmm.
She got in a car to go visit her sister for a few weeks.
Nine days later, the cat came back, but we never saw Grandma again.
Anyway, don't worry.
My wife had severe mental issues, not like your mother.
- [PICKLES-SAN.]
No, no, no! - [DEIRDRE.]
Yes! Yes! [PICKLES-SAN.]
No, no! Stop, stop, stop, stop! - [DEIRDRE.]
Yes! Yes! Yes! - [PICKLES-SAN.]
Stop, stop! [DEIRDRE.]
Yes, damn it! Yes! Are you okay? I'm sorry.
I thought we were both enjoying it.
Did I break it? [MAN.]
Here you are.
Mr.
Pickles, please, enjoy.
- Thank you so much.
- Thanks.
We will.
Have we eaten here before? I don't think so.
[EERIE RINGING MUSIC.]
[WILL.]
Am I in trouble? [JILL.]
We're not angry.
[WILL.]
Why not? We just like pancakes more than we could ever be angry at you.
When will your divorce be official? Sometime down the road.
Is it a long road? I don't know.
Do you want to see a magic trick? - Yes.
- Oh, you bet.
First, I need to pee.
Oh, yeah, keep us on the edge of our seat much? [LAUGHS.]
If we eat real quick, we can catch the end of Pickles on Ice.
Yeah? It's a super show, now that I made some changes and stuff.
[SIGHS.]
I'm thinking of asking Peter to move in.
What? They say time and space are both immutable, governed by laws that cannot be broken.
All I have to say to that is How are you doing that? laws were meant to be broken.
Seriously, how are you doing that? [DARK MUSIC.]
Doing what? That! A magician never reveals his secrets.
And that's why they call me the amazing Pickle-ini! [PHIL.]
You're hurting my arm! [JEFF.]
That boy has every reason to ask for everything and doesn't.
You have no reason to ask for anything, and you can't keep your mouth shut.
Learn how to keep your mouth shut.
You hear me? Stop! Are you okay? - Yeah.
- Okay.
I'm fine.
Okay.
Good trick, Will.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[WARM PIANO MUSIC.]
[ASTRONOTTER PURRS.]
Quel fromage.
We will never find Monsieur Pickles, Tara.
Don't worry, Ennui.
Mr.
Pickles made a promise, and when Mr.
Pickles makes a promise, Mr.
Pickles keeps his promise.
Go, Tara, go! Tara, I love you! [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Regardez! It is Monsieur Pickles! We are saved! [SARA.]
That's right, it's me, Mr.
Pickles! Hi! Hey! [HIGH-PITCHED RINGING, HEARTBEAT THUMPING.]
I'm sorry, but the show just didn't make sense without you.
You promised.
You promised! [NEGATIVE BEEPS ON CELL PHONE.]
- - Gosh darn it.
[VIDEO GAME MUSIC.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
[VIDEO GAME MUSIC.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
Okay, Sarah, you can do this.
I believe in you.
[VIDEO GAME MUSIC.]
Pshoo! [GASPS.]
[CROWD SCREAMING.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC STOPS.]
No! [ALL SCREAMING.]
- Awesome! - [MAN.]
Tara! It was an accident! It was an accident! [SARA SCREAMS.]
It's all my fault.
I looked away! There's something wrong, Brian.
[DISQUIETING SYNTH MUSIC.]
[EIGHT-BIT VERSION OF MUSIC FROM ICE SHOW.]
Previously on Kidding Pickles on Ice, starring Mr.
Pickles himself, as played by gold medalist Tara Lipinski.
[JEFF.]
I want my head back.
Pickles on Ice requires a Mr.
Pickles, Jeff.
Otherwise, it's just Tara Lipinski ice dancing through a fever dream.
[DISQUIETING WALTZ.]
Here.
[JOSIP.]
Today's hidden ingredient - Ecstasy! - He's some Croatian voice actor.
[WILL.]
Hi, Havana? - [MADDY SCREAMING.]
- Maddy, we're not getting divorced.
I promise.
[SCOTT.]
This is Mr.
Pickles-san.
He's gonna follow Uncle Jeff around for a few weeks and then bring back what he learned to Japan.
English, eh mm not amazing.
You speak English? [UNACCENTED.]
I'm not speaking English.
What the actual fuck? I'm in remission.
I love you so much.
[VIVIAN.]
Now that I can plan ahead, I'm sorry.
Those plans don't involve you.
[EIGHT-BIT MUSIC.]
It'sss all so beautiful! Agh! Quel fromage! - Agh! - Mr.
Pickles agh! [GUNFIRE.]
[CHATTERING EXCITEDLY.]
[JEFF.]
Every pain needs a name.
[GIBBERS.]
Ah! Excuse me.
Hey.
What? Uh, can I buy three chickens? [EIGHT-BIT MUSIC CONTINUES ON PHONE.]
[MAN MIMICKING GUNSHOTS.]
Some college kid put it together.
We're sending a cease-and-desist.
[ENNUI LE TRISTE.]
Quel fromage! - Has Jeff seen this? - We don't know.
Please get this game taken down before he does.
It'll upset him.
You won't like him when he's upset.
[DISQUIETING SYNTH MUSIC.]
[TV ANNOUNCER.]
Today through December eighth at the Columbus City Convention Center, Tara Lipinski Visits Pickle Barrel Falls On Ice! Get your tickets now.
[CELL PHONE RINGING AND BUZZING.]
Hello? [OTHER JEFF.]
Your father loves you, Jeff, but he's going to animate you.
- Who is this? - He doesn't want to, but he will.
He's asking all around Eastern Europe, where talent is cheap and plentiful, trying to find a voice like yours.
Am I on the radio? He wanted me to call and threaten you.
I said no.
I'm your friend.
But there are hundreds like me, Jeff.
Time's running out.
It's not too late.
Listen to your father, Jeff.
Fall in line, Jeff.
Your entire existence is at stake! - [LINE BEEPING.]
- Please, Jeff! I learn English from watching your show.
[DARK MUSIC.]
Hello.
[OTHER OTHER JEFF.]
Listen, fucko.
Don't listen to that other guy.
He's crazy.
I need this job.
I have a large Serbian family.
Little Ognjen needs his sarma! Blow your fucking brains out.
I want to see your skull fragments bounce off the White House windows! Make me cartoon, pickle man.
Make me cartoon! Please leave me alone.
[FAINT GUNFIRE.]
[VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYING.]
[THE OOPS.]
Oops, you got me! [GUNFIRE.]
[ASTRONOTTER BABBLING.]
[SY.]
It's all so beautiful! [GUNFIRE, MUSIC CONTINUE.]
What are you guys playing? I need something from you.
I spoke to our lawyers.
They're getting it taken down immediately.
Getting what taken down immediately? Nothing.
Is the Pickles on Ice-tacular sold out? Because St.
Joan's said that I could take 20 of my sick little pickle pals.
One of them, Brian, has Landau-Kleffner syndrome.
His wish was to meet Ms.
Lipinski.
I promised I would grant it.
What happened to my office, Jeff? Did you do that? Did you call several Serbian Jeffs? I'm worried Vivian breaking up with you the way she did has put you in a particularly dark place.
A woman is gonna live! It's a miracle.
We should be happy for her.
I know I am! Tell you what: don't go to D.
C.
next week, and I'll rethink turning you into a cartoon.
You're not turning me into a cartoon, and I am going to D.
C.
, because I have to light the national tree.
I don't want you on live TV.
You're in too much pain.
I stood behind that podium months after my son died, and nobody tried to stop me.
I don't see why some run-of-the-mill breakup suddenly tips the scales.
I'm beginning to think that last year was a mistake, and I'm sorry, but last year, your eyes were soft.
Your voice was a Mormon trumpet, a peaceful horn.
Now you are a bagpipe of insanity.
This is not insanity.
This is how honesty looks when you're inside out and upside down.
Jeff, you're having a breakdown.
[DARK ORCHESTRAL MUSIC.]
I'm having a breakthrough.
You know, I've never seen you lie, except to yourself.
I'll get the tickets for the ice show.
I'm glad you're coming around to it.
[SIGHS.]
[VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYS.]
[ASTRONOTTER BABBLES.]
[SY.]
It'sss all so agh! [ENNUI LE TRISTE.]
Quel fromage! [CHICKENS CLUCKING.]
[PAINT HISSING.]
[BLACK LIPS' "MAKE YOU MINE" PLAYING.]
Waking up And hit the ground running Eyes on the prize, we'll cloud our eyes The river streams keep on flowing You're leaving town It's a brand-new day What was it now, you're in, not out While those wheels keep on turning [PEOPLE YELLING, CHICKENS CLUCKING.]
I need a little loving Tell me everything Will be all right It's only ten more miles And I'm coming on home tonight Gonna make you mine Gonna make you mine I need to know, did you have sexual relations with the Japanese version of your brother? Mr.
Pickles-san is independently handsome.
I would rip you a new one if you had any asshole left.
Seriously, where do you get this stuff? Me, a homosexual? I am the straightest dude I ever met.
Go, Buckeyes.
We had that whole coded conversation about pianos and clarinets! I was talking about pianos and clarinets.
What-what-what were you talking about? Your daughter saw her piano teacher giving you a hand job in our driveway! Oh, my God, who knows what she saw? Rex is my friend.
Sure, we garden sometimes, but there's nothing lurid going on between us.
You almost came out to me, Scott! [SCOTT.]
When? That night in bed! All I remember is a night you wanted me to name a happy child of divorce, so think about that before you become your mother.
[LAUGHING.]
You're gay.
You're gay.
You're gay.
You're gay, gay, gay, gay, gay! And my pussy needs attention.
My pussy needs attention.
Can I go to Pop-Pop's? Why do you hate me? I don't hate you even when I hate you.
Don't forget your promise.
Yeah, I remember.
You promised you and Dad would always stay together.
I did say that.
I remember.
Hi.
Hi.
Is that what you're wearing to the premiere? Mommy's not coming.
No, Scott's in an he's in one of his moods.
I think he's depressed.
[SCOTT.]
I love pussy! Hey, it's gonna be okay.
- Is it? - [SEB.]
Yes.
That's good.
Did you really think you could commit such a blatant infidelity - without any consequences? - I'm sorry.
I wasn't thinking.
I was selfish.
I'm a terrible person.
A child lives in this house, Deirdre.
We'll tell her you're away on a trip.
Fine, you should tell her.
I'm a terrible liar.
Oh.
Ohayo gozaimasu.
[SPEAKING JAPANESE.]
He needs to find another place to sleep.
I agree.
He's overstayed his welcome.
A-and seriously, how much longer do you need to stay here? It-it-it's a puppet show.
You're not learning the ways of the freaking Jedi.
Have a nice day.
[SCOTT.]
Yeah, fuck you.
God damn it.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
I think we should fuck.
[UNEASY MUSIC.]
[DEIRDRE BREATHING HEAVILY.]
I cannot.
I'm sorry.
All Pickles-sans take a vow of chastity.
This has been tradition since the show began.
How many Pickles-sans have there been? I'm the second.
I think we should fuck.
I cannot.
I'm sorry.
I serve a higher moral authority: the children of Japan.
I think we should fuck! [SARA.]
Who wants an autograph? [CHILDREN.]
Oh, I do.
I do.
[SARA.]
Oh, here you go, kid.
I like that sweater.
- [GIRL.]
Thank you.
- [SARA.]
Who's next? - [GIRL.]
I am.
- She's beautiful.
You really like watching Ms.
Lipinski, don't you, Brian? If I stop watching, she'll fall down.
Well, then you better not take your eyes off her.
[CELL PHONE RINGING AND BUZZING.]
Hmm.
Hello.
[PRINCIPAL WARD.]
Hi, Mr.
Pickles.
This is Principal Ward from Will's school.
We have a bit of a situation here.
[VIDEO GAME BEEPING.]
[MIMICKING GUNSHOTS.]
[ENNUI LE TRISTE.]
Oh, mon dieu! Life is meaningless.
[SY BUZZES.]
[ASTRONOTTER BABBLING.]
[SOAP SCUM.]
Hey, that hurts! Looks like someone got a new phone.
[VIDEO GAME GUNFIRE.]
[SOAP SCUM YELLING.]
[PRINCIPAL WARD.]
Thank you, Will.
You can wait out here.
Can I see the parents now, and only the parents? Have they found number three yet? [WHISPERING.]
There is no number three, is there? [LAUGHS.]
Why'd you do it? To impress that girl.
You think she got the message? [SIGHS.]
Women.
Women.
There is no good way to say this.
One of Will's chickens pecked a cook in the genitalia.
It swelled up, and we had to put a special sock around it.
Will generally doesn't act like this.
He'll apologize.
I like Will, but he's changed.
He has new friends, and I can't prove it, but I think he's smoking marijuana.
It's an epidemic.
[PRINCIPAL WARD.]
Every family has a Will.
My brother Paul started as a Will.
Paul owes a lot of people money.
Paul once got so drunk on alcohol, he broke into a bowling alley at night and fried his own food at the snack bar.
I don't think Will is Paul yet, so I'm letting him off with a warning.
Thank you for your lenience and your candor.
The pot thing, we take very seriously.
Why can't Will be an asshole? Hmm? Why can't Will be an asshole? I'm sorry.
I like that he's an asshole.
I don't know why.
Sometimes it's okay to be an asshole.
Sometimes the world needs assholes.
Paul sounds awesome.
I'd like to hang out with Paul.
Paul's living his best life.
I don't understand.
I do.
We love our children.
We love them when they're good, but we love them more when they challenge us.
When children misbehave, they're reminding us of how much we must love them if we're still willing to tuck them in at night.
When Will acts out, it reminds her of his deceased brother.
I think we should suspend him.
[SNIFFLES.]
I'm sorry, I have to go.
[WILL.]
What happened? [SIGHS.]
You're suspended.
Now let's go get some hotcakes.
Yeah? All of us? Did you want me to join, or are you guys just want family time? Um, I think just the family, if that's okay.
Principal Ward, I found the number three chicken.
Good work, Barnaby.
Uh, let's get out of here.
[DOOR BANGS OPEN.]
Jeff's left.
I don't think he's coming back.
Put on the Pickles.
No, I'm sorry.
I promised him I would be myself and only myself.
[SEB.]
I've sunk my reputation and a considerable chunk of my 401(K) into this endeavor.
The people need the Pickles.
The puppets need to find Mr.
Pickles, or the ice narrative has no ending.
- Listen to reason.
- [PARAKEET SQUAWKS.]
You're beautiful just the way you are.
Shut up! Sorry.
That's our new parakeet, Sarakeet.
Uh, she talks too much, - uh, kind of like me.
- [SARAKEET SQUAWKS.]
I don't think I've ever seen you talk.
Uh, well, I only try to talk during meals because it-it keeps me from eating.
It's a diet I made up.
[SARAKEET.]
Shut up, skinny bitch.
[SQUAWKS.]
[DRAMATIC DRUM MUSIC.]
I tell you what, Tara's sister.
"Sah-ra.
" Actually, Sarah.
I go by Sarah now.
I don't care what it rhymes with.
How would you like your turn in the limelight Sarah? [JAUNTY PIANO MUSIC.]
[ANNOUNCER.]
It's that time, pickle pals.
Astronotter, Ennui Le Triste, The Oops, and all their friends invite you to take the hand of the loved one sitting next to you and brace yourselves for a trip down Pickle Barrel Falls.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[LAUGHTER.]
Disaster! Monsieur Pickles has gone missing! [THE OOPS.]
Without him, we cannot survive.
- [ASTRONOTTER GIBBERS.]
- [ENNUI LE TRISTE.]
Maybe, with the help of Tara Lipinski, we can locate him.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Did you and Grandma ever fight? Oh, all the time.
She cheated on me.
Then I cheated on her.
Then we got a divorce.
She took the cat.
Hmm.
She got in a car to go visit her sister for a few weeks.
Nine days later, the cat came back, but we never saw Grandma again.
Anyway, don't worry.
My wife had severe mental issues, not like your mother.
- [PICKLES-SAN.]
No, no, no! - [DEIRDRE.]
Yes! Yes! [PICKLES-SAN.]
No, no! Stop, stop, stop, stop! - [DEIRDRE.]
Yes! Yes! Yes! - [PICKLES-SAN.]
Stop, stop! [DEIRDRE.]
Yes, damn it! Yes! Are you okay? I'm sorry.
I thought we were both enjoying it.
Did I break it? [MAN.]
Here you are.
Mr.
Pickles, please, enjoy.
- Thank you so much.
- Thanks.
We will.
Have we eaten here before? I don't think so.
[EERIE RINGING MUSIC.]
[WILL.]
Am I in trouble? [JILL.]
We're not angry.
[WILL.]
Why not? We just like pancakes more than we could ever be angry at you.
When will your divorce be official? Sometime down the road.
Is it a long road? I don't know.
Do you want to see a magic trick? - Yes.
- Oh, you bet.
First, I need to pee.
Oh, yeah, keep us on the edge of our seat much? [LAUGHS.]
If we eat real quick, we can catch the end of Pickles on Ice.
Yeah? It's a super show, now that I made some changes and stuff.
[SIGHS.]
I'm thinking of asking Peter to move in.
What? They say time and space are both immutable, governed by laws that cannot be broken.
All I have to say to that is How are you doing that? laws were meant to be broken.
Seriously, how are you doing that? [DARK MUSIC.]
Doing what? That! A magician never reveals his secrets.
And that's why they call me the amazing Pickle-ini! [PHIL.]
You're hurting my arm! [JEFF.]
That boy has every reason to ask for everything and doesn't.
You have no reason to ask for anything, and you can't keep your mouth shut.
Learn how to keep your mouth shut.
You hear me? Stop! Are you okay? - Yeah.
- Okay.
I'm fine.
Okay.
Good trick, Will.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[WARM PIANO MUSIC.]
[ASTRONOTTER PURRS.]
Quel fromage.
We will never find Monsieur Pickles, Tara.
Don't worry, Ennui.
Mr.
Pickles made a promise, and when Mr.
Pickles makes a promise, Mr.
Pickles keeps his promise.
Go, Tara, go! Tara, I love you! [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Regardez! It is Monsieur Pickles! We are saved! [SARA.]
That's right, it's me, Mr.
Pickles! Hi! Hey! [HIGH-PITCHED RINGING, HEARTBEAT THUMPING.]
I'm sorry, but the show just didn't make sense without you.
You promised.
You promised! [NEGATIVE BEEPS ON CELL PHONE.]
- - Gosh darn it.
[VIDEO GAME MUSIC.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
[VIDEO GAME MUSIC.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
Okay, Sarah, you can do this.
I believe in you.
[VIDEO GAME MUSIC.]
Pshoo! [GASPS.]
[CROWD SCREAMING.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC STOPS.]
No! [ALL SCREAMING.]
- Awesome! - [MAN.]
Tara! It was an accident! It was an accident! [SARA SCREAMS.]
It's all my fault.
I looked away! There's something wrong, Brian.
[DISQUIETING SYNTH MUSIC.]
[EIGHT-BIT VERSION OF MUSIC FROM ICE SHOW.]