Killing It (2022) s01e09 Episode Script

1 - [LINE TRILLING.]
- Shit, shit, shit.
Come on, pick up.
Pick up.
Pick up! 911, what's your emergency? He shot him! He fucking shot him! I don't know why he did it! He shot him! He shot him! Jesus Christ! [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Uh, sir, this connection isn't great.
I'm sorry.
I didn't hear any of that.
What? Shit.
[GRUNTING.]
Can you hear me? Hello? Oh, there you are! Okay, much better.
Um, so what's your emergency? I am in the Everglades, okay? A man has been shot! The man has been shot.
I need help.
Oh, my God.
There's so much blood.
Okay, I'm hearing you are on a boat.
Um, Bob, we got another boat emergency.
I'm not on a fucking boat! Hold on, hold on, hold on.
- Fuck.
- Okay, I've lost you, sir.
I-I can't hear you at all.
- Sir? - [GROANS.]
Hello? Hello? Sir? Hello? Hello? Hello? How about this? Oh, there you are! Okay, great.
Tell me what's going on.
My name is Craig Foster.
I am in the Everglades on a service road - off of route 41.
- Uh-huh.
I have a man with me who has been shot.
- Okay.
Mm-hmm.
- He's not moving.
I don't know if he's alive.
I-I don't think he's breathing.
- I got it.
- I need an ambulance right away! That's terrific.
Thank you so much, Susan.
- Susan? - Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
I don't know if you're still there, I was just talking to Susan, our IT gal.
She thinks the problem's my headset.
So just drop anchor on your boat and hang tight.
[YELLING.]
[BREATHES HEAVILY.]
[SIGHS.]
Let's give him some space.
[BREATHES HEAVILY.]
- Oh, no.
- What the fuck? Is it filming us? - Eat faster, snake! - He don't speak English.
Come rápido.
Will you forget about the fucking snake? We got to knock this damn drone out the sky! Give me your shoe.
- Hurry up.
- Wait, you're throwing it? Why don't you use your own shoe? - I see why.
- Shit, where's it going now? - Will you come on? - I only got one shoe! In a swamp? What's wrong with you? Fucker stopped again.
I'm taking care of this shit right now.
Zay, what the hell? Why do you have a gun? 'Cause we're out here disposing of a corpse, Craig.
That's classic activity to bring a gun to.
Well, nobody's gonna get shot on account of us.
- Put that shit away.
- [STAMMERS.]
Away.
[PERSON GRUNTS.]
Shh, somebody's coming.
Oh, yeah.
Okay, got it.
Right over here.
Oh, yeah.
- There she is.
- Yo, what's up, Brock? - Ooh, the competition.
- That's your drone? Uh-huh.
Yeah, we're out here getting footage for my channel, except we're having problems with the controller.
Um, actually, it's not the controller, it's the Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa Now, son, I know we're a team, okay? But I am the team leader, so any feedback you have, I need you to give it to me first, okay? Okay? Just into my ear, son.
Into my ear.
[WHISPERING.]
It's the video link.
We're having problems with the video link, obviously.
Surprised you didn't know that.
So, if the video link is down, does that mean you weren't recording? [NORMAL VOICE.]
No, it's recording just fine That's exactly right.
Shh.
Corby.
Come on.
Uh, no, the footage is on the SD card, but because there is no video link, we cannot see what we were filming.
Hey, I don't want to lose that gator shit, all right? So, right when we get home, we got to download that.
Okay, but I thought that we were gonna go out to dinner with Mom tonight You know, try and work - on fixing things? - Uh, yeah, Cor okay.
Uh, okay, then maybe just do it tomorrow, okay? - Got you.
- Yeah.
I don't know what the fuck he's talking about.
[LAUGHS.]
Work on things.
Marriage is fine, okay? - Dad.
- Little kid's making shit up.
Dad, seriously, like, we've talked about this.
Okay, yeah.
You're right.
I'm not gonna do that anymore.
I'm working on being more emotionally truthful with myself and with others.
So, uh, I have driven my wife into an affair out of my own negligence, but I want to repair that, and it is scary, because I'm not sure that she has any love left for me.
Okay, cool, but that drone It's also scary because the man she has been sleeping wit has an enormous penis.
I mean, it is both thick and long.
- Jesus.
- I want you to think - of a beautiful cactus.
- Dad.
- Just straight - Stop.
Well, that's what it looks like, Corby.
- Just stop.
- Okay? Hey, this is the emotional truth - inside of me - Okay.
Because of what's been inside of your mother.
All right? A big-ass dong.
That's what it is.
That's the facts.
Get the fucking drone.
Come on, let's go.
God damn it.
That's my truth, son.
- That's my story.
- Shit.
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
I'm feeling tacos.
You down for tacos? No, I'm not down for tacos.
Why aren't you freaking out about this drone? 'Cause your boy Zay's got a plan.
Now, we know Brock's going out to dinner, right? We break into his house.
We steal the drone.
Make it look like a burglary.
You still know where my man lives? Yeah, but we not breaking into his house.
What if we get, I don't know, arrested? - You got a better idea? - Yeah, I do, actually.
Look, Brock just wants to be liked, right? - Right.
- So we tell him we been watching his videos and we're inspired to start our own channel.
We want to learn from the master.
He invites us in his crew.
He shows us the drone.
We fly it.
We crash it.
Boom! No more video.
Well, that's an elaborate fucking Scooby-Doo caper.
Fucking Glen-style plan.
- Who's Glen? - Blonde dude with the scarf.
- That's Fred.
- I don't get you, man.
I mean, you're smart enough to remember Fred but dumb enough to think his stupid-ass plan will work.
You know, we wouldn't even be in this situation if you just let me pull my gun out.
We would've put it right in those dudes' faces Not to hurt 'em, just to scare 'em a little bit.
I'm not gonna let you pull a gun out on someone in front of their son.
We both know how that ends.
You still talking about what happened with Dad? [CHUCKLES.]
You ain't over that? No, I'm not, and you're not either.
You already admitted it in the swamp.
Shit.
I did say that, didn't I? - Mm-hmm.
- Just never gonna let me - live that down, are you? - Nope.
Okay, I won't bring the gun.
But we got to break into Brock's house.
That's our only option.
- Damn it.
- I'll pick you up at 7:00.
And bring your own ski mask.
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
♪ - Miami PD, don't move! - [SCREAMS.]
[GRUNTS.]
Ow.
[BODY THUDS.]
Can you imagine coming home to find someone in your shower? What would you think, huh? [CHUCKLES.]
Hey, come on out, honey.
I told him not to press charges.
We weren't going to.
She's your stepdaughter.
- She has keys to the house.
- Well, I'm a taxpayer.
You'd have to shoot her if I told you to.
I mean, she's also a taxpayer.
Actually, I'm not.
Too poor.
[IMITATES GUNSHOT.]
Okay.
You have a good night, ma'am.
Honestly, Jillian, you scared me half to death.
I thought you were a burglar.
A burglar who wanted to shower? There's a lot of sick people out there.
You know, I saw a man at Publix eating sour cream right out of the dairy case.
Yes, I did know that.
It's been your number-one story for the past eight years.
BOTH: He dipped a raw potato in it.
You can't just keep running up my water bill.
What's going on with your little snake hunt? I actually don't know.
Stuff's been really weird with Craig.
And Craig is the guy you're giving the prize money to, even if it gets you deported? Doesn't matter, anyway.
We're not gonna win.
[SIGHS.]
I've got to figure out some way to make some money.
I can't even sell my hair anymore, since the wig lady said my hair's gotten worse than yak fur.
My hair's prettier than yak fur.
Well, look, I was having a drink with my friend Jennifer last week.
She said she might have a job for you.
It's an entry-level logistics position.
[SIGHS.]
Logistics! That's one of those fancy words that doesn't even mean anything.
Well, I'll have Jennifer set up the interview, then.
[SIGHS.]
Now that we're fixing your life, will you please let me set you up with Darla's son? Isn't he under house arrest for posing as a teen girl on online forums and encouraging other kids to commit suicide? He drives an Audi, Jillian.
You should be so lucky.
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Hey.
Do we have any ski masks? [VOCALIZING.]
I'm going hunting with Jillian, and it gets windy in the swamps.
No mask of any kind? What the fuck, bro? Marco wore it trick-or-treating.
It don't even fit you! He has a very petite and feminine head.
I had to make it bigger for me.
It's still is a mask.
It still hides my likeness.
Fucking Fred motherfucker.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
♪ Wait, what if Brock has a dog? How low is your opinion of me? You know I watched all this dude's videos.
I ain't see nothing about no damn dog.
I did see him sobbing about having to put his golden retriever to sleep, talking about, "We'll never replace you, Bonnie.
" I mean, come on, boss up, Brock.
I didn't even cry this much when our pops got shot.
Yeah, but you still lugging around all that emotional baggage, struggling to process the pain.
[SIGHS.]
God damn it, Isaiah, just hold that shit in next time.
♪ [DOOR CLOSES.]
Let's get the drone and get out of here.
Grab some other stuff too, so it looks like a real robbery.
I could fuck with a air fryer.
I heard it crisps the shit out of some salmon skin.
- Will you come on? - I'ma head to the back.
♪ Fucking Brock.
♪ Oh, shit.
- Zay! - You think it's gross to steal another man's water flosser? - We're at the wrong house! - What? We're at the neighbor's.
I never actually went in with Brock 'cause he made us wait outside I got confused.
[LAUGHS.]
You absolute amateur.
You complete [GROWLS SOFTLY.]
- What's up, bro? - [GROWLS.]
All right, we chillin'.
We chillin'.
- [BARKING.]
- [GASPS.]
Aah! Craig! [SCREAMING.]
Hey! Get off him! Get off him! Look at me! Look at me! ♪ Why'd he stop? What you do? - I don't know, I just - [GROWLS SOFTLY.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Shh, shh.
Easy, fella.
- [BARKING, GROWLING.]
What is happening? I think this is a MAGA household.
I think this dog loves Donald Trump! ♪ Fucking dog Republican.
Fucking can't wait to lower dog taxes.
Come on, let's just get the drone.
This must be Brock's house here.
You sure about that? Your track record on this is pretty damn spotty.
Yeah, this is it.
He's out to dinner, so we can just Oh, shit.
God! I didn't say that you couldn't order the lobster, Brock.
I just said that you should ask what the market price is.
Asking that makes us seem poor.
We are poor, Brock.
We're poor, okay? - And we are not lobster people.
- Don't say that! We are lobster people! Okay? I'm a lobster man.
You are a lobster woman, and Corby is a lobster What the fuck you doing here? This about the snake hunt? No, it's just that we saw your videos, and we were inspired to start our own channel.
So we were hoping to watch you film and learn from the master.
You know what I mean? [CHUCKLES.]
You came all the way out here in the middle of the night - to tell me that? - Absolutely.
Okay, well, finally someone who appreciates me.
[GROANS.]
Yeah.
Oh.
- Who are you? - Isaiah, Craig's brother.
I'm so excited to work with you, man.
[INHALES SHARPLY, GROANS.]
Things haven't been easy lately.
I've been working seven, eight jobs at once.
I Uber.
I Lyft.
I TaskRabbit.
I get paid by creeps online to watch me lick the last bit of pudding out of containers.
I'm desperate.
Now, I know desperation isn't what you're looking for.
You probably want someone who went to a fancy college or has logistics experience.
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
[SPITS, SIGHS.]
I've told you a thousand times, this bathroom is for customers only.
I am a customer.
I bought this earlier before your shift started.
You got that from the trash.
I'd like to see you try to prove it, Caitlin! My desperation isn't a weakness, though.
My desperation is a strength, because if you give me this job, I will treasure that paycheck like I have just won the lottery.
Um, oh, you just missed my house.
Oh, sorry.
I got distracted.
But I'm late for my job interview, so I'm just gonna drop you here, and you can walk, okay? - I have to cross a freeway.
- Thank you! Look both ways! Five stars, please! I Uber.
I Lyft.
I TaskRabbit.
I get paid by creeps online to watch me lick the last bit of pudding out of containers.
I'm desperate.
Jillian, honey, relax.
You got the job.
This is just a formality.
Your stepmom told me what you've been up to, and you're perfect for this.
I'm sorry.
What is the job exactly? You'll be working at the airport.
Do you remember Sully? The guy who landed the plane in the river? After a bird flew into his engine.
Exactly! He was a hero.
He saved all those people.
That's gonna be you.
I'm gonna land planes? You're gonna kill birds so they don't fly into jet engines.
Go out to the runways, find where they're nesting, poison them, and squash their young.
- Squash their young? - Just with your foot.
Or you can use a special rock we can provide you with.
I mean, technically, though, that is a rental, so it comes out of your paycheck.
Totally up to you.
I thought this was more of a professional position Logistics.
Well, Angelica said you've been killing snakes and that you loved it.
I mean, she said this was your calling.
Fucking Angelica.
What are we doing here at 8:00 a.
m.
? Whoa, I didn't know you were in the union.
Sorry for getting you up a bit early, Mr.
SAG-AFTRA.
Okay, some of us want to make good content, as opposed to sitting around and scratching our balls.
All right? Now, Corby couldn't be here because, you know, he can't miss any more classes.
[BLOWS RASPBERRY, CHUCKLES.]
Am I right? Yeah, totally.
[BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
Okay, he gets it.
All right, so today you guys are my crew.
Either one of you, uh, think you can handle a camera? I mean, it doesn't seem that hard.
Yeah? Well, it's real fucking hard.
You got to have a good eye, visual instincts.
Pop quiz which side is my good side? The right one.
Okay, well, now you just shot my confidence straight to fucking hell, okay? They're both my good side.
Your job is to make the star feel beautiful, okay? - 101.
- You look fine.
And I'll be your cameraman.
Matter of fact, I have this idea for this dope drone shot, okay? We gonna come in No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No drone shot.
Drone is for setting the scene.
When you're filming me, you got to get in close.
I want you to get the raw human emotion in both of my eyes, okay? So no drone.
You always get my good side.
They're both your good side.
Okay, you overdid it.
Okay, now I can't trust you.
[FORK CLATTERS.]
Now I got to go find a fucking mirror and figure out what's goin on with my left side.
Fuck.
[SIGHS.]
- Great plan, Craig.
- [SIGHS.]
Now, the guy before that, his name was Roy.
He saw a little wire sticking out of the ground, and he touched it, and then he just got fried.
Oh, there's one.
Put it in the grack sack.
"Grack sack"? The birds out here are mostly grackles, so we call it the grack sack.
Grack like grackle, sack like Sack.
[AIRPLANE ENGINES ROARING OVERHEAD.]
[JILLIAN SCREAMS.]
Don't worry! You get used to it! I don't even notice it anymore.
Is that because of extreme hearing loss? I mean, yeah, that's a huge part of it.
[SIGHS.]
Everything okay? [SIGHS.]
You know I was meant to be a business lady? - Saw palmetto berries.
- What are those? It's actually pretty cool.
They get processed into pills that shrink the prostate, improve urination, enhance hair growth, and boost libido.
It's a billion-dollar international industry, - by the way.
- Wow.
Yeah, but it's never gonna happen.
Well, maybe you'd be interested in a different but equally exciting opportunity.
Have you heard of Scentala? - What? - Scentala.
It's the premier brand of luxury soaps and lotions for working moms and stay-at-home women.
Well, I don't even have my own shower, so I probably shouldn't be buying any soap.
I don't want you to buy soap, Jillian.
I want you to sell it.
I'm offering you a chance at financial independence.
Did you know I've been making a killing working from home? Except you're not working from home.
You're working in a field by the airport.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
But I'm making a killing.
[chuckles Killing grackles.
[AIRPLANE ENGINES ROARING OVERHEAD.]
[SCREAMS.]
[GRUNTS.]
Fuck it, Cheryl.
Let's just do your pyramid scheme.
Yes! - What is this fool doing? - Push-ups.
Shh, he gonna hear you.
Man, we ain't got time for this shit.
- I'ma end this right now.
- Zay.
- We said no guns.
- I'm sorry, bro.
But you ain't gonna get that drone, I will.
Jesus, relax.
Put it away.
I'm on it.
Hey, Brock.
- Brock! - Oh! Hey.
Do not interrupt me when I'm getting psyched up, okay? Once my juices are flowing, I'm like an animal.
You're lucky I didn't reach up and snatch off your crack.
Whoa, shit.
What's the gun for? Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
I seen some big ol' gators out here recently.
Why? You scared? I just want to talk about the drone.
No! We're not doing the drone.
Hear me out, hear me out, okay? I got this idea for a shot.
We start in real close, get the lines of your face.
And then you say something like, "This is snake country.
" I go back and back and back and capture you and the vastness of all the swamp around you.
Oh.
Okay.
Okay, that could be pretty cool.
But, you know, that drone gets stuck in a tree The reason I'm pushing so hard is 'cause I have a lot of experience with drones from my time in the Air Force.
- Oh, you served? - 143rd squadron.
143rd? Flying Tigers! What you know about the Flying Tigers? - I know my shit.
- [LAUGHS.]
Yeah, I almost enlisted, but they said my testosterone was too high.
Well, fuck me.
I didn't know we had an airman in the crew.
Let's get the drone.
- Gear up.
- Gear up.
Yeah.
So how does Scentala work? I mean, honestly, the soaps sell themselves.
Everybody loves the packaging.
There's fun, new scents introduced constantly.
Literally, the only issue I ever run into is people getting sick.
- What do you mean "sick"? - The soaps cause disease.
But the packaging is so beautiful.
I mean, they modeled it on Parisian wallpaper.
[GASPS.]
I'm gonna get my sample kit from the car.
[AIRPLANE ENGINES ROARING OVERHEAD.]
Oh, shit, shit, oh, shit! [EXCLAIMS.]
Are you okay? No, I just saw the biggest snake I've ever seen in my life! Oh, it's probably a python, but don't be scared.
They'll ignore you if you ignore them.
- He tried to bite me! - Really? That's weird They're usually not aggressive unless you attack them or unless [PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
Where was this snake exactly? ♪ [DRONE BUZZING.]
Hey, you have to say "action.
" Action! Welcome to the Everglades, river of grass, ,000 square miles of hot, wet swamp Mm.
"Hot, wet swamp"? That sound too horny to you guys? - [SCOFFS.]
No.
- I liked it.
Okay, you're a fucking pervert.
It was too horny.
I'ma go again.
From the top, reset.
[WHISTLES.]
Okay.
Okay, Craig, you have to say "action.
" If you do not say "action," I don't know what we're doing out here.
- Action.
- [SIGHS.]
Action.
Welcome to the Everglades, a river of grass 8,000 square miles of deep, wet swampland.
Fuck! Maybe just avoid the word "wet.
" I had more of a problem with "deep.
" Just shut the fuck up, all right? Everyone shut the fuck up.
- Shut the fuck up! - I'm trying to help.
- Say "action.
" - Action.
Welcome to the Everglades, river of grass 8000 square miles of thick, meaty Nah! Mm, I'm gonna take it back.
I'm gonna take it back.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
How about you just clear your head? - Get all the sex words out.
- Okay.
Okay.
Hot, wet, deep, slick, moist, sticky, tingly, tickle, tongue, hard.
All right, I'm getting all worked up.
I'ma call it.
Action! Welcome to the Everglades, river of grass 8,000 square miles of danger.
Hiding out there, a killer Burmese python One of nature's most feared assassins.
[CLAPS HANDS.]
This is snake country.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Fuck, yeah.
That was fucking good.
Okay, okay.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, not too far.
Hey, Craig knows what he's doing.
Yeah, yeah.
I got this.
- Shit! Shit! - Pull up, man! - You got to pull up! - It's not responding to me! Oh, you better do something, man.
I'm trying! This is an expensive drone, Craig! I am trying! There's nothing I can do right now.
[DRONE BUZZING.]
- What the fuck? - What the fuck? Yeah.
See, what you guys didn't know is you can override the remote with your phone.
So, um, how about you tell me what the fuck is going on? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, fellas! 143rd air squadron ain't the Flying Tigers, by the way! It's the Rhode Island Air National Guard - The Rhode Warriors.
- That's right.
I forgot! It's been so long since I lived in Rhode Island.
Quit fucking lying to me and tell me what's going on! [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
Your drone accidentally filmed us - disposing of a dead body.
- Shut the fuck up, Craig! - But we didn't kill anyone.
- My brother got mixed up with some dangerous people, and they said if he didn't get rid of this body, - they were gonna hurt him.
- That's what this is about? You didn't want to learn from me? You wanted to destroy my drone? I was scared.
I couldn't tell you the truth.
- And you shouldn't have.
- But now that you know, will you delete the footage, please? - I'm asking as a friend.
- A friend.
We're not friends.
- Did you even watch my videos? - Yeah! - All of 'em.
- Which one was your favorite? The one where your dog died.
- It was raw.
- It was emotional.
Yeah, it was a tough day.
I miss that bitch.
But, you know, if the pain in me affected you and you felt something [INHALES DEEPLY, GROANS.]
I did my job.
I really enjoyed filming with you today.
This has been one of the most informative Craig? - What are you doing? - What are you doing? How'd you find us? We set up our phones to track each other, remember? And I wanted to surprise you, but Did you say you were making videos with Brock? Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, we were filming something, yeah.
Well, guess what I brought you.
- What the fuck is that? - Python eggs.
Yeah, the snake Cheryl found was guarding a nest.
- Who's Cheryl? - My grackle-killing partner.
Keep up, Isaiah.
Use context clues.
Didn't seem like many were provided.
There must be 80 eggs in here.
107, which counts as 214 feet of snake in the hunt.
We hand that in, we're in first place.
That grack sack is worth $20,000.
Oh, my God, Jillian G.
! That's not my name! Jillian G.
is my Uber handle.
I'm more than your Uber driver, Craig.
- I know, we're friends.
- I thought that.
I also thought we were partners, but then you deserted me.
I mean, when you blew me off to hang out with your brother, I got that, that's family, but Brock? Fucking Brock? We hate Brock.
- We don't hate Brock.
- Yes, we do! We laugh at how he pretends to be this tough, manly man, but then he's always just fixing his hair.
Oh, 'c-cause I have to, okay? I'm an on-camera personality.
I didn't have to come here.
I really need that money way more than I need to invest in some stupid saw palmetto farm.
But I couldn't let Craig down, Craig and his fucking dream, because nobody else has dreams.
I know you have dreams, Jillian Jillian.
Okay, if I have dreams, then what are they? I'm not actually sure.
Well, neither am I, but that's not the point.
The point is I have them, and they matter, and and I'm keeping the grack sack.
You don't get the grack sack.
I wish I wasn't saying "grack sack" so much.
Goodbye, Craig! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold the phone.
Come on, come back.
Come on.
Everyone just settle down.
You don't have to worry about these guys choosing me over you, sweetheart, you understand that? - This guy fucking hates me.
- I don't! The only reason they're hanging out with me is they're trying to destroy some footage - I accidentally got of them.
- Don't do this, man.
Footage of them trying to dispose of a corpse.
- That's not true, is it? - No.
Yes.
But we didn't kill anybody.
Zay got in some trouble, and I was trying to help him out.
That's why I was blowing you off.
But you could've said something.
I didn't want to drag you into this.
I didn't want to see you getting hurt.
Oh, Jesus Christ, all right, that's all very fucking sweet.
All right? Now, listen to me.
You have a choice to make.
You can give me those python eggs.
I'll wipe out this footage.
No one will ever see it.
Or if you want to keep them, that's cool, too.
They're yours, but I'ma take this drone and go right to the cops.
Mm, seems like a pretty good deal.
- I'd take it.
- No.
You don't have to do this, not if you need the money.
Craig, what the fuck are you doing? We can handle this on our own.
How? How are we gonna handle this on our own? Jillian, I'm sorry, but you're gonna have to let this man blackmail you, okay? I'm sure Craig will get you back, yeah? [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
♪ Here.
♪ [LAUGHS.]
All right, and, hey, listen, I'm a man of my word, so here's what I'ma do I'ma wipe this drone clean.
See that? It's been a pleasure doing business with you.
Hey, try not to get bit by anything.
- Whoa.
- Give me those eggs.
Now, who the fuck is this now? - Condom Carl? - What did you just call me? - Carlos, your name.
- No, no, no, no.
Say it again.
Say what you said.
Condom Carl.
Do you know how many jobs I had at that putt-putt? I put in all the greenery.
I was in charge of pest control.
I did windmill repair! But you pick up one fucking condom! We were told it was a lot more than one.
It doesn't matter how many condoms there were! Not in the grand scheme of things, but if you're wondering about the root of the nickname I want those fucking snake eggs.
Yeah, well, I want you to suck my dick and play with my balls, but I don't think either of those things are gonna happen, muchacho.
You burned down my shed.
I was gonna win $20,000, and you took that from me.
I've been following you around for weeks, trying to figure out how to get my revenge, and now I know.
I ain't admitting to burning down any fucking putt-putt, but if I did, I'd be justified.
You were cheating.
You don't deserve this fucking money.
I'm married to a 92-year-old.
- What? - What? 10 years ago, I married an 82-year-old woman because she was sick and I was her nurse and I thought I would inherit her house.
It was just supposed to take a few months, but she made a miraculous recovery, and now she just won't die! And she is so mean to me.
I'm not sure I see the point in what you're trying to I do deserve this money! You don't know how much I've struggled! Fuck your struggles.
We've all struggled, man.
Your struggles don't make you special.
No, no, no, no, no, you're not shooting anybody, okay? I'm getting it all on film.
It's all backed up to the cloud.
My name's Brock Telemeyer.
Make sure to check out my YouTube channel.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
You heard him.
You're not gonna shoot anybody.
So, with all due respects, get the fuck out of my way.
- Give me those eggs! - Motherfucker.
- Give me those eggs! - Whoa, whoa, whoa! - Give me the fucking eggs! - Hey! - Give me the eggs! - Hey! - My fucking eggs! - You gonna shoot somebody! ["A HARD RAIN'S A-GONNA FALL".]
Oh, where have you been, my blue-eyed son? ♪ Where have you been, my darling young one? ♪ ♪ I've stumbled on the side of 12 misty mountains ♪ I've walked and I've crawled on six crooked highways ♪ I've stepped in the middle of seven sad forests ♪ I've been out in front of a dozen dead oceans ♪ - It's a hard ♪ - Hard ♪ - And it's a hard ♪ - Hard ♪ - And it's a hard ♪ - Hard ♪ - And it's a hard ♪ - Hard ♪ And it's a ♪ ALL: Hard rain's a-gonna fall ♪ Oh ♪ And what did you hear, my blue-eyed son? ♪ And what did you hear, my darling young one? ♪ ♪ I heard the sound of a thunder ♪ That roared out a warning ♪ Heard the roar of a wave ♪ That could drown the whole world ♪ Heard 100 drummers whose hands were a-blazing ♪ Heard 10,000 whispering and nobody listening ♪ - It's a hard ♪ - Hard ♪ - And it's a hard ♪ - Hard ♪ - And it's so hard ♪ - Hard ♪ - Oh, oh, hard ♪ - Hard ♪ And it's a ♪ ALL: Hard rain's a-gonna fall ♪ ♪