Kirstie (2013) s01e09 Episode Script

Kirstie is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Hey, guys.
Guess what I got at the falafel place today? - Hepatitis "A" and "B.
" - No.
I was named employee of the month.
Looks like somebody killed the most rats.
Congratulations, Arlo.
Could you hand me that letter opener over there? Uh, yeah.
What are you guys doing? We got to pack up all the sharp objects.
The Tony nominations are being announced tomorrow morning, and your mother finds the anticipation difficult.
Define difficult.
Last time, she threatened to saw off Frank's head.
Lucky, Thelma hit her with a lamp.
Oh, right the lamp.
Don't worry.
If things get hairy, I've got this.
- A gun? Are you crazy? - Just a tranquilizer dart with a little sodium pentothal on the tip nothing you wouldn't use on a medium-sized bear charging you.
Okay.
Well, please be careful with that.
Oh, stop being such a baby.
What, you think that it's gonna go off Hey-hey! Oh, my god! Wha? Well, I got to be honest! That hurt worse than I thought! Frank, are you sure you're all right? Ah, it's just a little sodium pentothal like what you get at the dentist or from the doorman.
Watch it.
Say, don't they call that stuff "truth serum"? Yes, I think they might.
Um, Frank, why don't you tell us all something embarrassing from your childhood? Forget it.
You're not gonna get me to crack.
My father was a ventriloquist.
I shared a bunk bed with a dummy named Cornelius.
That's enough, Frank.
Let's talk about the nominations.
I didn't pick you for the Tony pool.
- What Tony pool? - With the other limo drivers.
We each pick the five we think will be nominated.
Wow.
A Tony pool? How bored are limo drivers? Wait a minute, Frank.
You didn't even pick me in the top five? Okay, that's enough truth for one day.
I wouldn't have picked you in the top 15! They only asked for five.
- That's it.
Where's my saw? - It's locked away.
Combination safe on top of the linen closet 22-34-14.
- You said you were my friend.
- Maddie, wait.
Wait! - What? - That color looks terrible on you! What? Of all the nights for Frank to do this he knows how important these nominations are.
He didn't really do anything except shoot himself.
I mean, it's Frank.
He could've done that any night.
Maddie, you're already a huge star.
What do you care if you get a nomination? Arlo, Arlo, Arlo so nearly middle-aged yet so naive.
Arlo, I'm getting older.
The great roles are harder to come by.
I'm three years away from trotting out a desperate one-woman show.
You trotted that out two years ago.
- Are you still mad? - Go to hell, you backstabbing traitor.
Oh, good.
You're speaking to me.
I don't ask much of my friends, except for loyalty.
Oh, Maddie, how can you even doubt Frank? Think about how you met.
How did you guys meet? I never heard.
Well, it's arguably the greatest story ever told.
Take that, Bible.
It's too long to go into.
Why are we even talking about anything other than the nominations? The year was 1986.
Madison Banks was still struggling actress Brenda Kluszewski, and I was twice the person I am today.
- Hey, boss.
Oh.
- There she is! Late as usual.
You know, Brenda, you call in sick every other day.
Your nana has died six times.
What's your excuse this morning? - It's my nana.
- Kluszewski! Okay.
Take a chill pill.
I'm this close to quitting this job anyway.
I just came from my third callback for an off-broadway play.
I nailed it and the director and the guy I originally thought was the director.
Wait a minute.
My mother worked for you? Some call it irony.
I call it tragedy.
Why in the world would you hire her? She seemed too stupid to steal.
Katz's Cookies.
Oh, an order for six dozen! What the hell did you do that for? I'm expecting a call from the play, so I need to keep the line open.
I'm trying to run a business here! Just stay away from the phone.
Make yourself useful.
Mop the floor.
Yes, yes, Katz's Cookies.
Yeah, Brenda Kluszewski is here.
Oh, my god! This is it! Take your cookies and shove 'em, Katz.
Oh, my god.
I am so out of this dump! Hello.
This is Brenda.
Uh-huh? Okay.
All right, well, thank you for the call.
Did you get it? The part no.
Chlamydia probably.
Oh, but where were we? We were mopping.
We were selling cookies.
Yeah, what you got next for me, chief? I think you were telling me something about taking my cookies and shoving them.
Please, Thelma, I'll do better.
I promise.
I really need this job.
Come on, let's face it.
I'm never gonna be an actress.
I don't know why I can't fire you.
You're like one of those three-legged dogs in the pound.
You know if you don't take it home, it's headed through that one-way door to Krrr! And most of 'em clean up pretty good.
Thank you, Thelma.
I just need a break.
Yeah, well, you got it.
I'll give you another chance.
No, I mean a 15-minute break.
This is really hard.
Wow.
This is a great story about how you met Frank.
He's coming.
I'm painting a picture.
And I'm watching it dry.
Kluszewski, pay attention.
Now give them the slip and the deposit.
Why do I have to learn to do this? It's so boring.
If you're gonna work in the shop, you have to learn how to make deposits.
Everyone keep your hands where I can see them! - This is a robbery! - Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
- This isn't happening.
- Everyone shut up! Where's the freakin' security guard? What did I miss? Oh.
I can't believe that you guys were in a bank robbery and Frank was the guard.
Why did I have to hear about cookies for 20 minutes? I'll get it.
Who is it at this hour? Who is it? It's your co-star, Jeffrey Sheppard.
- Hey, Jeffrey, what are you doing here? - I knew you'd be up.
So are you nervous about the nominations? - Oh, I want it so badly.
- Me too! - Hold me.
- Yes.
Okay, okay.
We're not talking about the nominations.
We're changing the subject.
I was just hearing this amazing story about how Frank, Thelma, and Maddie met in a bank robbery.
Ah, yes.
I remember it well.
You weren't even there.
Then why are we talking about it? - Hey, Don Knotts, hand over the gun.
- How dare you? I'm not fat.
- I didn't say you were fat.
- Oh.
I guess I don't know who Don Knotts is.
- You're gonna be trouble, aren't you? - My middle name is "Trouble.
" Well, it's supposed to be "Truman," but the admitting nurse she had terrible penmanship.
You know, the great thing about being a bank robber is the stories you hear along the way.
Now go stand over there in the section I like to call "first to be shot.
" This is the bad section.
But if everyone does what I say, nobody gets hurt.
Oh, man, we are so dead.
He just said nobody will get hurt.
He has to say that.
It's a legal thing.
Hi.
I'm Frank Baxter.
I'm Thelma, and this is Brenda.
And, you know, we're a little freaked out right now.
Do you mind not speaking to us anymore? I'm sorry.
I'm kind of a nervous talker in the face of certain death.
Mr.
Robber, could you move us to a different area? Because this guy's starting to creep us out.
Oh, sure.
Yeah, I want this to be fun for everyone.
Yeah.
- Now get back over there! - Oh.
- Hey, what's in that bag? - Nothing.
No, he means the bank bag with the $2,000 in it.
- I'll take that bag.
- Okay.
I'll keep the bag, and I'll give you a cookie.
Or I'll take that bag and the cookie.
Wow.
This nun has been two steps ahead of us the whole time.
I'll be on my way now, folks.
This is the police.
We have the bank surrounded.
Surrender your weapon! - Oh, thank god.
We're saved.
- No, we're not.
Now it's gonna be a hostage situation.
Ooh, that's good.
I hadn't thought of that.
Why don't you keep a few people and let the rest of us go say, the ones with good reasons? Like, for instance, I just lost my nana.
Okay.
All of you go.
Go, go, go! No, you stay.
You three you're my hostages.
- Oh, god.
- Well, that didn't go the way I wanted.
What are you complaining about? You finally got cast in something.
You an actress? Excuse me, but this is a private conversation.
I could see you up on the screen.
Yeah, you have beautiful eyes.
- She doesn't want to talk to you.
- So it's Frank, right? Yeah, well, I'm mostly focusing on the theater, but I wouldn't pass on a great role in the cinema.
Can you two focus on the fact that we are being held hostage? Okay, I know what to do.
Let's see how sister Mary bank robber reacts to a karate chop to the face.
So we're all tied up.
The police have the bank surrounded, and this guy's getting really antsy.
Three hours till nominations.
Maybe start winding the story down, yes? So how'd you guys get out of there? Well Is that my mother they have out there? This is so embarrassing.
Woman: What are you doing? You're disgracing the entire family, Alan.
Ma! Stop using my name! Alan that's an odd name for a nun.
Hey, security guard Putz, whatever your name is, you do realize he's a man.
First meat on Friday, now this? That is not the church I grew up with.
Psst.
Guys, take my lead.
Hey! I thought we were done here.
Your mom's here to pick you up.
I can't believe this.
I'm gonna die a failed actress.
I haven't followed any of my dreams.
I never wanted to be a security guard.
I'm just so good at it.
What did you want to be? Why do you keep engaging this bozo? - He likes my eyes.
- I don't know.
I always loved the idea of being a limo driver.
Passengers Passengers is where it's at.
Well, if we ever get out of here alive and I become a famous actress, I'd be honored if you would drive me.
If we get out of here, I'm gonna spend more time with my daughter and lose weight and stop smoking maybe just the daughter thing.
We can't let this guy beat us.
I mean, maybe he has a gun, but we have dreams.
Yeah.
What are we gonna do? Well, I don't want to have to explain why, but I can get out of ropes.
I can also be understood with a ball in my mouth.
What the hell? Alan, it's over.
There's no way out.
You need to let us go.
- Shut up.
I'll do this, I swear.
- Please, put the gun down.
I didn't want to have to say this, but I'm pregnant.
- Yeah, she's as pregnant as I am.
- I thought you were pregnant.
Please let me live to hold my child.
Oh, Alan, please stop looking at me like that.
Dart not scornful glances from those eyes to wound thy lord, thy king, thy governor, for it blots thy beauty as a whirlwind that fade fair mead.
What is she doing? I'm not sure, but she's surprisingly good.
Brava! Brava! I was wrong about you, Kluszewski.
Maybe you can do this acting thing.
- You really think so? - Stop talking! This is my robbery! Stop pulling focus! No! Freeze! You saved my life.
Are you as turned on as I am? Uh Oh, Frank, I'm sorry.
I guess I sort of forgot everything we've been through together.
I was wrong to question your loyalty.
- So we're square? - Yeah, of course.
I just got to know one thing.
Why didn't you pick me for the Tony pool? You are a brilliant actress, Maddie.
- Thanks.
- I just didn't like the play.
Oh, I get it.
- The framework is derivative - Yeah, I get it.
- And your character's journey is anemic - I frickin' get it, Frank! I still can't believe that you jumped in front of a bullet to save a stranger.
Still lodged right here in my belt buckle.
He actually jumped in front of a bullet to save two strangers.
You were one of 'em.
- Me? - Yeah.
I really was pregnant.
- Thank you, Frank.
- You're welcome, kid.
Something for you.
Oh.
- Alright? - Yeah.
Put the TV on! They're being announced! In the category for best actor in a play Silence.
No one speak.
The nominees are Chad Bracket, Cottage built for two.
Hack.
Max Mulligan, Summer at blue cove.
Blowhard.
Charles Ruckman, The good kid.
Literally the worst actor of all time Not an exaggeration.
And Jeffrey Sheppard, Worst case scenario.
God is real! He loves me! In the category for best actress in a play It's alphabetical, so they'll call my name first.
Melanie Patterson, No cranes allowed.
Patterson, with a "p"? Glenda Quim, Christmas in Framingham.
Quim with a "q?" What's happening here? - I am so sorry, Maddie.
- Tough break, amigo! Well, stick with it.
You'll get 'em next time.
Now, would anyone like to take me out to celebrate? Fine.
Watch out.
She's gonna club someone with that bottle.
- I want to celebrate.
- Celebrate what? Being alive.
You know, when you go through something like that together like we did in the bank, you learn to treasure life.
And I just watched Jeffrey leave here.
And you know what? I realize he's alone.
I have you, all of you, and so I'm the winner today.
All right.
I'll toast that.
Hmm.
Thelma, go call Mario's.
- We're gonna have Italian tonight.
- Yeah.
There is more than one way to bring home a Tony.