Kitchen Confidential (2005) s01e09 Episode Script

Of all the delicious things on life's menu nothing, and I mean nothing, tastes better than forbidden fruit.
We should really stop and get ready for work.
- Right.
Work.
- Yeah.
Chef,you in there? What? No! What-Yeah! It's my office.
Why, yes.
What do you want? Uh, I think I left myjacket in there last night.
Chef.
That's it.
What? Thank you.
Do you think Opie heard us? No.
No, no.
My keys were in the pocket.
- There you go.
- Oh.
Thank you.
- You know what I really need? - Yeah.
A pack of smokes.
Oh! Great.
- I also need a, uh- - Double espresso? Done and done.
- Ha! You're prepared.
- Well, once an Eagle Scout- Right? Oh, yeah.
Come on, baby.
Okay, baby.
- Have a good day at work.
- You too, boss.
Sometimes,you have no choice but to break your own rules because certain pleasures are impossible to resist.
Oh, my God! That's the power of chocolate.
It's nature's brown seductress.
- Really? - Chef Bourdain.
- Mmm.
- Albert of Chocolates by Albert.
Here, try one.
They'll melt in your mouth like a secret wish.
I know.
It says it on your card.
Yeah, I think what he's trying to say is that he's got desserts covered by me Seth, of Ass Kickings by Seth.
Seth, these are really good.
It's like I'm being kissed from the inside.
- Shh.
- Okay, now you're killing me.
Seth,just lighten up.
Man's just trying to make a living.
But, listen, you really shouldn't park your van in our alley, mate.
Oh, mate.
Are you from jolly old England? Well, are you, guv'nor? Chim chim cher-ee? Oh, that is you.
You know,you have got him down.
You just made a grievous error, sunshine.
Egad! Are we going to have a slap fight? Pistols at dawn? You gonna lock me in the tower? In manacles? Oh! - Are you gonna take that, Steven? - More.
Listen, we never did get to finish that thing that we were gonna do.
- Namely, each other.
- Yeah, that's off.
- What? - Well, the " no dating" policy.
- You know,Jack's rule? - Sod the rules! Two days ago, you gave me a Polaroid of your naughty bits.
Yeah.
I'm gonna need that back.
Oh, my God.
You - You're shagging another bloke, aren't you? - Who is it? - That's private and deeply personal.
Well, look.
There's no secrets in this kitchen.
No.
Hey, Albert left you these chocolates.
It's Albert! It's Albert, isn't it? Huh? Draw your own conclusions.
That chinless fudge maker! Oh! That is a slap in the face.
I'm sorry.
It's stuck in my head, man.
Guv'nor.
- I thought you were pulling these off the menu.
- Oh, the sweetbreads.
Right, right.
The sweetbreads.
No, we're not gonna pull those off the menu.
They're hot.
- They're red hot.
- You sold one.
Last week, I sold none.
So that's 100% increase.
Actually, Chef, it's impossible to determine what percentage zero is of any- - Jim, die! - Jack, this is vanity meat.
Oh.
So I guess it's vanity to want to go down in history as the man who revolutionized cuisine? I own five restaurants.
I'm about to open up a sixth.
I can't afford to indulge you anymore.
Oh, so I guess it's indulgent to want to lead people to a greater understanding? What happened to bringing peop - bringing people my genius? You said I was a prophet.
You know, I blame you for this.
Why can't we move these? I don't know.
Maybe because they're thymus glands and they're disgusting.
This is haute cuisine.
- Haute cuisine? - Yeah.
And if you were a decent waitress, you would actually know how to push them.
Jack, look at 'em.
She could be pitchin' 'em naked with a sparkler out her ass, and they still wouldn't sell.
Really? Well, maybe we should get a sparkler and find out.
Hmm? He's insane.
And it's nice to finally have someone on my team.
- Well, girls gotta stick up for each other, you know? - That's what I'm talking about.
- Up top! - I have pig's blood on my hand.
We'll do it next time.
Wakey, wakey.
Hands off snakey.
- Mom? - Nice.
Open your eyes.
Wow.
! All this cooking first thing in the morning.
I'm not even alive until noon.
Wow.
Look at this.
Good? - Fantastic.
- I know.
When I had my own place, we did a kick-ass brunch.
- Mmm.
- You know, if Nolita ever decided to- - You know how you do brunch? - Huh? You take Saturday night's garbage, you shove it into a frittata and you serve it with a melon that got balled a week ago.
And people pay 30 bucks a plate for it.
That's how you get your sweetbreads back on the menu.
Okay.
What's in it for you? I get to be in charge of something.
- You can be in charge of this.
- Oh.
I'm already in charge of this.
I want a challenge.
Please? Okay.
But how am I gonna sell brunch to my crew? Oh, come on.
You'reJack.
You're the big man.
It'll be a piece of cake.
- No! - Hey, it's not me.
It's all Pino.
What? My father can't do this.
I'll go talk to him.
- He'll take your credit cards.
- Really? He said that? - Don't poke the bear.
- He wants me to get up at 6:00 a.
m.
to cook eggs? I don't get up at 6:00 a.
m.
I go to bed at 6:00 a.
m 'cause I'm up all night teasin' and pleasin' Steven style unlike our little chocolaty friend Albert.
Yeah.
I see my therapist on Sundays, man.
You do not want me to miss that.
Brunch is awful, all right? Babies to your left.
Babies to your right.
And the old people? Oh, my God.
The old people, they- they claw you with their spotty hands.
I don't like it when they die at your sweet 16.
You know what? I say we strike.
- Yeah! - Yes.
- What are you doing? - I'm taking a stand.
We can't let Pino walk all over us.
Let's bolt, right now.
- Screw this job.
- Yes.
! Stand up to my father.
Whoo-hoo! Let's not go crazy, okay? I kind of need this job.
You know what? We all do, especially you.
So you might as well get used to it, because I'm putting you in charge.
- No! - Yes! - Anybody else want some extra duty? - Nope.
- Okay.
- Fine, you win.
But I am not making muffins! Muffins are for people that don't have the 'nads to order a cake for breakfast! God, we're good together.
- I know.
It's crazy, right? - Yeah.
Like it came so natural.
It was like I felt like I was really in the moment.
- Okay, that's enough talk.
- Okay.
Um, we don't have any crayons.
Oh! You know another word for hell? - Brunch.
- And bacon.
Bacon.
More bacon.
And a giant booger.
Don't push it! Uncle Steven is still hungover! There are two of you, right? - Just checking.
- You smell like my step-mom.
- How long do we have to wait? - Oh, I'm so sorry.
I just can't find my list.
Um - I'm just gonna do this from memory.
- It's the Chinese couple.
- Yes.
The quiet homosexuals, the olderJewish couple and the youngerJewish couple.
Sweetheart, we were before the homosexuals.
Ramon, what is this? I've seen cleaner plates on stolen cars! Yeah, Ramon.
I set 'em up, you knock 'em down! See? You and me! Mmm! We take on the tough guys- Ramon, my dad- Yeah, I'm kind of busy right now cooking for, like, a thousand people.
Right, right, right.
So I decided I'm not gonna let him pay my rent anymore.
That's nice.
Uh, four Benedicts up! Of course, I'm gonna need to get a roommate.
You know, someone who gets me.
Yeah.
Could I actually get you to get these to table two? Yes! Right, because you and me - teammates.
I'm outta here.
Girl crush! "Oh, Becky, I love you! Oh, Becky, I idolize you! Oh, Becky, you're my hero!" - That is hilarious, T-Smooth.
- Yeah.
What did I tell you about the nicknames? Okay? And I would not be laughing about sad little crushes if I was you.
What? You're not still hung up on Tanya, are you? Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Even though it's against your " no dating" policy.
Uh, look what he bought her.
What? What's this? Smooth, let me have that! Smooth, let me have that! Give it here.
Give it here.
Ah! Dude, you can't give 'em lingerie until after you've slept together.
Well, maybe we did.
Okay, we didn't.
These are nice.
Very nice.
No loose underwear in the kitchen, Ramon.
Okay? It's a fire hazard.
- Jack, where are you? - Huh? I need backup on the lox.
I cannot believe I am slicing lox for brunch.
- PutJim on it.
- Jim went AWOL.
- What? - He's with his church group.
He can't go to his church group during brunch! Okay, I can't do this anymore.
I mean, I want my sweetbreads, but it's killing my guys.
- All right, take a breath.
- No- - It's only brunch.
- Becky, I told Jim that God wanted him to make waffles.
- Jack- - No! It's killing my guys.
- It's a mistake, and it feels wrong! - Oh.
How does this feel? - That feels better.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Good.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- What? Put these on.
- Okay, close your eyes.
- What? No.
I wanna watch.
I wanna watch.
All right, bad boy.
- Should I take my clothes off? - No, you keep your clothes on.
- I'll take your clothes off.
- Okay.
- Maybe I should take my shirt off.
- No, baby.
I'm gonna do it all.
Hmm.
You're all glowing and tousled.
A little rendezvous with Albert the candy man? You need to move on.
Wow.
You and Becky are a lot like me and Tanya, huh? We're just a couple of schmoes.
Of course, at least I didn't lose out to a dork like Albert.
Right.
That's it! Oh, God! Uh, pancakes for you, and the fruit and granola.
It was her.
You know, whose breast it came from isn't really the point.
- Do you have children? - No.
Oh, that's so sad.
Not even a baby? No, no, not even a baby.
- And you must already be, what, at least- - Coffee? - Does the banana nut muffin have nuts? - Yes! - You can't have nuts! - I can't have nuts! What would you like, Mother? Mother? I am out! I have been squirted with breast milk and served eggs to the undead! And five, four, three, two, one! Brunch is over! Kitchen is closed.
Yeah! I feel like we just rushed a sorority.
Whoo! Okay.
Okay, great brunch today, guys.
I can't wait to see the energy we bring to dinner tonight.
Oh! Who threw the sock? Come on.
It was all right, wasn't it? Yeah.
I have to say having just been through it, it wasn't as bad as I thought.
You know, I could even get used to it.
- What? - What? You gave- Which means you- What do you know? Shut up! What do you think you know? You and Becky-you're sleeping together, and you're in cahoots! Shh! There is no cahoots! She does brunch, she does you! - We did brunch 'cause she did you! - Okay! That's just a theory.
- Not one word.
- You broke my heart.
Not one word! So I lost my therapy spot and, uh, thus, any hope for reconciliation with my parents.
It's cool though.
I guess T-Smooth is gonna go back on his meds, people.
- Yeah.
- T-Smooth? I thought you didn't like nicknames.
I changed my mind,Jiminy Lickett.
- Are we good? - Oh, yeah.
I'm good.
I'm a good person.
I'm just standing here as a person of integrity who does not betray his friends.
Outside, right now.
Okay, so I found us a place.
We'd each have our own room.
There's an exposed brick wall, but if we want it, you know, we gotta move fast.
We gotta act now.
Oh, that's great.
You can read each other's diaries and have pillow fights.
You should get one of those see-through shower curtains.
Okay.
This ends right here right now.
Okay, they said they'd hold it for us until we have to- - How'd that feel? - Weird.
- You a little uncomfortable around me now? - Very.
- You still wanna be my roommate? - No.
- Yes.
! - I'll be your roommate.
We had an understanding, all right? I know! It's just so hard! - You gotta keep it together.
- Do I? Or what? I'll disappoint who, the lying man? Seth, listen to me.
I did things, a lot of things, for reasons that I can't explain to you.
I didn't try to hurt you.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
I know you can't wrap your head around that right now but one day, one day it's all gonna hit you.
- Jack.
! - What? Oh, my God! - What, are you stupid? - Look, I am really sorry.
But ever since my injury yesterday, my depth perception's completely shot.
You mowed down my pastry guy! I was pelted with eggs in my eye.
! It was insane! - Hey.
You okay? - Uh-huh.
Remember, not one word.
Okay? Feel better.
Okay, he's good to go.
Jack, you tried to kill Seth because you're sleeping with Becky? - What? - What? I- I didn't try to kill Seth.
That's crazy.
It was an accident.
You saw - It was an accident.
He said I was sleeping with Becky? He didn't tell me.
Dr.
Grossbar told me.
Seth's been going in and out since surgery on his leg.
- He also says you're wearing his underwear.
- That's really crazy.
Obviously, he's delusional.
We can't believe anything that he says.
Of course I'm not wearing his underwear.
No, that's demonstrably not true.
Look, I have my own underwear on.
- I got my tighty whities.
He wears those tiger prints.
- Jack, give it up.
You traded brunch for sex? That is low.
I have traded a lot of things for sex, a lot, but never brunch.
Okay, I didn't do it just for sex.
I did it for my sweetbreads.
And for you guys.
Come on.
Don't we all benefit from working at a restaurant that serves my sweetbreads? Hey, Seth is joining us from the hospital.
Seth, buddy, you're on.
Seth, um, I wanted to send you a card, but I don't know your last name.
- Nurse, is Seth there? - He's here.
He's just a little woozy from the anesthesia.
Okay.
Come on.
Hit me with your best shot.
- You're a sellout.
- And a hypocrite.
- You saddled us with brunch.
- Which demeans the restaurant.
- All for your carnal pleasure.
- And you blamed my father, which is my job.
Because you weren't man enough to tell us the truth.
Okay, okay.
Okay, those are pretty good shots.
And you gave the underwear I bought for Tanya to Becky! Seth, buddy, you are on speakerphone.
I need four more Vicodin and a fruit cup.
Seth, I don't wear underwear.
Oh,yeah.
! You know,Jack, I don't mind being the bad guy when I am the bad guy.
But I wasn't the bad guy.
You were, weren't you? And now my crew hates me.
So let's forget brunch.
Oh, no.
That's our most profitable meal.
Vive la brunch.
You see? Now I'm the bad guy.
Of course, you're gonna have to find somebody else to cook your pancakes for you.
- I'm sorry? - Yes.
I'm moving Becky to my new restaurant.
She told me to let the brunch be her audition, and she got the part.
Really? So this was all about you getting your own kitchen again.
- And great sex with a great guy.
- God! - There's nothing you won't do to get what you want.
- Uh-huh.
Sound like anyone you know? Nope.
Cash bonuses,Jack.
The brunch was such a success, I want everyone to share in its bounty.
You see, now I'm the good guy.
It's very confusing, isn't it? - And I'm the sellout? - Yeah.
We're all sellouts! So, how was she? - Fantastic.
- Shut up! I don't want to hear about it.
Tell me more.
Bonjour, Albert.
It was an accident! Really! I - I didn't even see you there! Oh, that's good chocolate.
What is that, Tahitian vanilla? Yeah, it is.
Are you gonna hurt me, or- - Yes, I am.
- No! And now I'm gonna finish your chocolate.
Mmm!