Kite Man: Hell Yeah! (2024) s01e09 Episode Script

1
Well, the briefcase
appears to be nuke proof.
You've got to be kidding me.
I guess we've got to find
some other way
to destroy
the Anti-Life Equation.
Totally. Or maybe
I should keep it.
I mean, that way,
it doesn't land in the wrong hands.
Babe, no way.
Bein' Beast Mode taught me
I never want a power.
The briefcase
seems to respect that.
So while it makes you
a Murderey Molly,
it just makes me
a guy with a briefcase.
Fine. Yes, you're right.
Babe, we probs don't have time
for this discush.
I think the nuke exploge
tipped our locaysh.
Damn it! Okay,
you grab the briefcase.
If it's not here,
they'll assume it's destroyed.
It'll buy us some time.
We've got to stay
on the move.
And keep the briefcase
as far away from you as possible, so
Whoa! Sweet truck.
Are you thinking
what I'm thinking, babe?
I mean, you do put
the hot in hotwire.
Chuck, we don't need
a clever line
every time we do something.
Good point. Hell yeah.
I thought we were gonna
steal the pickup.
No way, babe.
This is perf.
The briefcase
is way in the back.
We stay on the move.
and fulfill every kid's dream
of being on the open road
hauling chicken.
Hell yeah! ♪
Wow, you've gotten really good
at mixing drinks, Mals.
The secret
is love what you do.
Darkseid! It's Darkseid!
Darkseid! It's Darksei-- ♪
They get it.
Oh, hey there, Mr. Darkseid!
To what do we owe the pleasure?
He always visits me on the anniversary
of my parents' death.
How sweet.
- He killed them.
- Ah.
Trust me, Malice,
you dodged a bullet.
Well, nontraditional families
are families still.
You've done well
for yourself here, Malice.
Serving drinks to the scum
of an already derelict species.
Hey, take it easy
with the compliments.
However,
this place is beneath you.
- Thanks, I guess.
- I have excellent news.
It's time for you to serve me.
One Lee Trevino coming up.
No. What I'm saying is
you will come serve me on Apokolips
and help me enslave
the entire universe.
Like, today?
See, Goldilocks, you cannot
look at screens all day.
You need fresh air!
It makes you strong!
You were strong when you stood up
to Mr. Luthor and Ms. Villigan.
Well, I suppose.
After all, I don't take orders
from anyone.
I want a lollipop!
Coming right up.
- Here's three.
- Ah! Ugh.
That third one
will be just right.
And I want to go home
and watch a show.
When I was your age,
I did not have shows.
I was in a pit.
I would use my imagination
and invent stories
for the rocks.
They and the darkness
were my only friends.
Then tell me a story.
A love story.
With the princess.
But not with kissing.
Kissing is too yucky.
Okay, I know a love story
that conveniently
has no kissing or eye contact.
Yay!
Once upon a time, there was
a pretty cool guy named Ba
Um, uh Bane-jamin.
One day, in the 19 and 80s,
he met the most beautiful
princess in the world:
Princess Rebecca Chen
Damn it! Do you have cash?
I must have lost my wallet
escaping from the resort.
Negativ-io on the cash-io, babe.
I tipped generously
at the hotel.
The hotel that ratted us
out to Villigan's?
Those people live off tips.
Well, we can't use cards
or Helen will be able to track us.
I have an idea, babe.
Babe, are you sure
we should just leave it
in the truck?
Glider, no one's going
in that trailer.
Chicken theft
is incredibly rare.
Now, watch a master salesman
at work.
Greetings, sir.
My lady and I
would like a table.
Oh, and by the way, these eggs
are definitely not for sale.
- Okay?
- Yeah. No.
Just because they're super special,
I can't put a price on them.
If I had to, though,
I'd say $5 an egg.
Wouldn't take a penny less.
- I'll give you a dime an egg.
- And sold.
What a sucker.
Well, okay.
Yeah, sure, I totally want to.
But I have to give Kite Man
and Golden Glider a two weeks' notice
and, uh, obviously,
they're not here right now,
So I guess--
They're on the run
with that Anti-Life Equation?
Kite Man and Golden Glider
have the Anti-Life Equation?
Um, no, no, don't listen to the guy
who just shit himself.
Everyone knows Lex Luthor
and Helen Villigan
have the
Whatever-you-call-it Equation?
The Anti-Life Equation! ♪
Right, so you should probably
kill them if you need to kill anyone.
You'd never lie to me
like your parents did,
would you, Malice?
No way, lying is
out of fashion.
I have sought this information
for a thousand generations.
Now, to fulfill my destiny!
Keep the Lee Trevinos
cold for my return.
Chill the glasses!
It really helps! ♪
Shit, shit, shit!
I just lied to my god-daddy!
Not a normal lie either,
a lie about something
he's really interested in.
Oh, I wouldn't worry, Mals.
He seems reasonable.
He came to celebrate killing
my parents.
Shit on a prick!
On a stick!
I don't know
what the saying is.
I am screwed.
What we definitely can't do
is go back to Noonan's.
That's the first place
they'll look.
What should we do then?
We should, one, stay away
from Noonan's.
- Two, avoid Noonan's.
- That's the same point, babe.
I really can't
stress it enough, babe.
How exactly does one destroy something
that can't be nuked?
Easy we wait for a storm.
A brain storm.
Now let's get a look
at these chicken thieves.
Shoot her! Shoot her!
Drop it in the ocean,
feed it to a starfish,
or awaken a Kaiju
like a Mothra or a Godzilla.
I love how creative
you are, babe.
I just I don't know
if any of these things really exist.
- Um, babe.
- What?
Chuck! I told you!
You were right.
And obviously,
that's what we should be
- focused on at this moment.
- That is not what I mean.
Oh, cluckin' hell.
See? A clever line
feels pretty good sometimes.
The scan's complete.
There's no sign
of the Anti-Life Equation.
Congratulations, Villigan.
Your incompetence
led to the destruction
of the only thing
that could kill Superman.
My incompetence?
You had it hidden for months
in a dive bar under chicken nuggets.
What were you waiting for?
The obvious thing.
His birthday.
Or am I some kind of rube who kills
Superman on a random Tuesday?
Darkseid! ♪
Hello, Lord Darkseid.
- How are you?
- What a lovely surprise.
Silence!
I despise pleasantries.
He hates small talk! ♪
Where is
the Anti-Life Equation?
Well, Lord Darkseid,
unfortunately, there was
a giant nuclear explosion.
And the Equation
has been destroyed.
Idiots.
The Anti-Life Equation cannot
be destroyed by a mere nuclear blast.
One thousand nuclear blasts would not
even tickle a hair on its ball sack.
It's actually
Pronounced nuclear! ♪
Oh, shut the fuck up!
Well, if it still exists,
we should find it.
There's no we here.
You two are out of your depth.
Time to step aside
and let the big dog eat.
Woof! Woof! ♪
Lord Darkseid, I'll happily bow out
of the race for the Anti-Life Equation
if you agree
to one tiny condition.
- Which is?
- Villigan's Crime will be
the exclusive delivery service
for Apokolips.
- Free one-hour shipping?
- In perpetuity. It's a win-win.
I like your style,
Villigan. Deal.
Luthor, you're awfully quiet.
Anything you care to add?
Only congratulations
to you both.
Let me know if I can be
of any assistance
in your search, Lord Darkseid.
Good. So we agree.
The Anti-Life Equation is mine,
and you two are out.
Well, you rolled over
like a horny puppy.
If I hadn't, we'd both be dead.
Once I have the Anti-Life Equation,
it won't matter.
I'll be even more powerful
than Darkseid.
And exactly how do you
plan to find
the Anti-Life Equation
before Darkseid does?
I don't need to find it.
I'll have it delivered
straight to me.
And then he discovered
that Princess Rebecca
had been thrown
into a deep pit.
Uh Excuse me.
What is that?
Oh, it's just
an applesauce squeezer.
They have those?
Do you have any idea
how much time I spend smushing apples,
putting in cinnamon and nutmeg
just so she'll eat
something healthy?
That would be such a timesaver.
Hey, what happens
to Princess Rebecca?
Yeah, I'm riveted.
Ah, yes. Well, next,
our brave hero Bane-jamin
rescued Princess Rebecca
from the pit.
The same place he spent
his childhood in darkness?
Look who's been listening.
What in the ugly shit fuck--
Babe!
I didn't eat the eggs.
I swear. They gave me
the wrong order.
Babe, gut feeling,
the Anti-Life Equation
has something to do
with this giant chicken sitch.
We've got to get that briefcase
away from the chickens!
There it is.
Fuck!
Double fuck!
Jinx!
Management says the resort remains open
during nuclear cleanup,
with unbeatable room specials
and a free continental breakfast.
- Chuck, we have to.
- I know. Get the briefcase
out of the
- It's Noonan.
- Well, answer it.
Well, okay.
Uh, hey, Noonan.
Just a, uh, smidge busy here.
Any chance it can wait?
I'm gonna put you on speaker.
Kite Man! It's Lex Luthor.
You will bring the Anti-Life
Equation to me now,
or your friends will die.
- That piece of shit.
- Okay.
Just don't hurt them, Lex.
We're on our way. We just need
a couple minutes to, uh
Hey, lovebirds.
Don't worry about us.
It's under control.
I'm gonna teach these guys
a lesson I learned in WW1.
How the fuck old is this guy?
Feels like it's turning
into one of those days, babe.
Glider, shoot a beam at it.
Without the Anti-Life Equation,
I can't control my powers.
I'll kill everyone.
Okay, uh, let's put on
our thinking caps.
What's the best way
to kill a bird?
- Yeah?
- Hey, Mals, uh, we need a quick fave.
But I'm in the middle
of a retail therapy session.
It's been a day.
Bye! Do you have these
in a seven?
Wait, wait. Mals, we're kind of dealing
with an itty bitty emergency.
Me, too. Although this is
actually a big one. It's a one day sale.
Malice, fuck the sale.
We need you and your cat, ASAP.
I'll drop a pin
so you can find us.
Well, I need to feed
Chessure first.
Don't! We need her hungry.
Fine.
So their love was not to be
as Princess Rebecca
remained lost in time.
Okay, no more story.
But what about her daughter?
Golden Glider? What about her?
She was being hunted
by the bad guys
because she had
the Anti-Life Equation.
Someone will save her, right?
That is still unwritten.
So there's still time for her
to get a happy ending?
What? You are not old enough
to know
Oh. Oh. Oh.
A happy ending to the story.
Right. Well, maybe
one day you'll see.
Hey, Bane!
Look my head is outside
but my body is inside.
Going back in.
What is this rumpus?
I must protect my friends.
Okay, Goldi, run upstairs,
lock the door,
and don't go anywhere
until I get back, okay?
Okay. But I have to go potty.
Do whatever need to do.
Just go.
I will.
But it's not number one.
Okay, well,
here's something to read.
D Do Don
Donut! Yay!
A donuts bathroom!
Malice, there's a chicken in there.
Make Chessure eat it!
- She's vegan now.
- Malice!
Fine. Chessure, yummy birdie.
Oh, thank God. I'm safe.
Oh, by any chance
did my god-daddy Darkseid
show up recently asking about
any particular universe-destroying device?
- No. Why?
- Nothing. Never mind.
Oh, no!
Oh! No! My baby.
Here, kitty kitty.
I'm really into you, Summer.
Me too, Trent.
I mean, not me.
That's silly. I mean,
I'm also super into yo--
Honey, I really think we should wait
for interest rates to go down bef--
All right. You've convinced me.
I'm going vegan.
That thing's older than you.
And it still gets the job done.
Just like me.
Two-on-one, huh?
What are you guys, twins?
What are you guys, twins?
Who wants some first?
Hey guys,
I was thinking maybe
we should put a pin in this.
It's like we say
at the fulfillment center,
"Use your head,
and lift with your knees!"
Let me know if you need
a receipt for that.
You motherfucker!
- Where's my fuckin' money?
- He owes you money?
Ah. Force of habit.
Time to end this nonsense.
What the fuck?
Where the hell is everybody?
Whoa!
And we tell the Queen of Fables
we've gone union.
Well, well, well.
Looks like I found
a little hiccup.
Hansel. I never knew
you were a labor organizer.
Well, I am. And we are not
coming out to fight
until you agree to our demands!
I mean, you can't disappear
for months,
then show up and think
we'll do your bidding--
Hansel!
Now it's Nobody and Gretel.
Anybody else
want to start a union?
Good.
Because we've got shit to do.
Gettin' blood
all over my wingtips,
you piece of garbage.
And that's how we do it
at Noonan's.
Beers on the house!
All right. False alarm.
I guess
everything was under control.
Shame about Hansel.
Okay. One beer each.
Then back in the book.
Babe, we gotta get
this chicken away
from its
all-you-can-eat buffet.
On it!
Hold this.
Holy moly!
It's hammer time.
Please Kite Man,
don't hurt 'em!
Okay. You're welcome
for all the help. Bye.
Think that briefcase
tastes like chicken?
God, I love you, babe.
Hey. Three Bears.
We have a mutual friend.
She just went upstairs to
Oh, my God.
I hope she didn't use the
Goldilocks!
Goldi?! I'm coming in
to make sure
you didn't poop yourself
to the 1980s.
I am a terrible babysitter.
Looks like everything's A-okay
at the bar.
Look at this.
I know.
And this was just one chicken.
Imagine if Darkseid
or Lex Luthor got their hands on it.
Well, that's not gonna
happen, babe,
because I'm in this
till the end.
So am I, babe.
You and me, Chuck,
no matter what.
Luthor and Villigan
were useless.
We're back to where we started.
Yes, sire.
It appears Malice was mistaken.
Mistaken or lied?
Treason! ♪
But why would Malice lie to me?
Unless she must know
where the Anti-Life
Equation is.
Brilliant, sire.
Shall we Boom Tube to Noonan's?
DeSaad, you donkey.
Noonan's is exactly
where a moron would hide.
But Malice shares my bloodline,
she's a genius.
So smart! ♪
We must find a way to track her
without her knowing.
You have the chip ♪
I don't have any chips.
No, the one in the kitty cat.
Remember, sire?
It was an add-on at checkout
when you purchased Chessure.
Ah, yes! That pushy clerk.
What was his name?
Brandon ♪
Right, Brandon.
I'm telling you, these pet stores
are dens of thieves.
So may I log you in on
the "Track My Demon Pet" app?
Where Chessure is,
there you will find Malice.
Excellent.
It's time to get the truth
from my goddaughter.
The Anti-Life Equation
is so close, I can taste it.
Yum, yum ♪
Help us here:
Oh, yeah! ♪