LA to Vegas (2018) s01e09 Episode Script
Overbooked
1 - Do the new uniforms feel weird to you? - I am so itchy.
My body is actively rejecting this uniform.
This job ruins everything.
My skin.
My dating life.
Would you like to vent about your dating life? Yes.
You remember Bryan, the cute chef that I met? Well, we still haven't found time to have our first date.
I was supposed to see him last night, but then we got delayed in Reno.
Oh, honey.
If your plans hinge on Reno, there's something wrong with your plans.
No, the problem is when you spend 60 hours a week in the sky, it is impossible to have a normal relationship with a regular person.
Can't have relationships with airline people, either.
- Hot dammit.
- What happened to you? Love happened to me.
It happened to me hard, and not in the good way.
Gwen left me for another man.
Oh, no.
Who's Gwen? She was the air traffic controller I fell for.
She left me for a limo driver named Rod.
He probably used a line on her like, "My car's not the only thing longer than average.
" - God, that's a good line.
- I get it, Dave.
Love is the worst.
The absolute worst.
It's like, "Why even try?" The universe is a cold bastard.
Sounds hard.
I deal with systemic racism every day.
Least you're getting laid.
Damn right, I am.
PILOT [OVER P.
A.
.]
: Jackpot Airlines.
Northeast-bound to Las Vegas.
[SLOT MACHINE CHIMING.]
[LOUD INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Is it me, or is the gate more crowded than usual? Well, there's a big MMA fight tonight.
- Ah.
- McKnickerson-Kang II.
It's a rematch.
The Irish Volcano versus the Emerald of Samoa.
This is huge betting weekend for me.
Well, it is a lot of men.
It must be a good weekend for you, too.
No, fight nights are usually dead at the club, so we have our intramural softball game.
It's a makeup against Momshells.
They canceled last week - due to custody hearings.
- Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hope they're ready to lose two weeks in a row.
Dear God.
I'm in charge of snacks.
Stop fighting back.
Uh, excuse me, miss? I'm a little busy here.
I just need to know where to put this.
Oh, come on, dude.
Bryan.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hi.
What are you doing here? Well, I thought since we can't schedule a date in the world, I'd bring a date here.
Oh, you brought a date? That seems cruel, but fine.
She's getting a middle seat.
Bad phrasing.
I meant we could have a date at your work.
I bought tickets to fly back and forth all weekend, which you'll either find charming or use as grounds for a restraining order.
Well, lucky for you, I can't afford a lawyer, so I have to find it charming.
But really I don't know what to say.
I mean, this is, like, the sweetest thing - anyone's ever done for me.
- WOMAN: Miss? Can I borrow your shoes to go to the bathroom? I have to go explain society to someone, but I will be back.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, uh, you know, take your time.
I'll have a-a whole date waiting for you when you're ready.
[DAVE CLEARS THROAT.]
You're gonna have to handle the comms today, Alan.
I don't think I can bear to hear Gwen's voice.
Oh, Gwen's not working this week.
She told me she was going on vacation with some guy named Rod.
Said he's taking her to Poundtown? [GROANS.]
If she says it's nice, I might take myself to Poundtown.
Oh! Excuse me That is unexpected reveal.
You bought him his own seat? Yeah.
He gets real whiny when I try putting him under the plane.
Yeah, still better than sitting next to chatty Canadian.
Oh, uh, excuse me.
I think you might have taken my seat.
Nope.
Don't think so.
Okay, well, th-that is my seat, because that's my NPR tote bag, and that's my-my book.
- Oh, this book? - Yes.
It's-it's actually a gripping tome on some of the nicer points Oh, my God! Wow.
Well, now you have a problem with me and with the Pasadena Public Library.
But no matter.
I will find another seat.
Hmm.
So sorry to keep you waiting.
I'm all yours now.
Well, I hope you brought your passport, because our date begins by you getting whisked away to Argentina circa 2012.
Now, you can't bring in a whole bottle of Malbec, but you can smuggle it in three ounces at a time.
Ronnie, we have a problem.
Oh, I'm in Argentina right now, Colin.
Oh, look, it's the restaurant guy from the restaurant.
What's all this, then? Just a little makeshift plane date.
'Cause who doesn't love a shampoo-y finish under a buttery Chard? Is there a problem, Colin? Yes, I'm sorry.
Um, that guy over there took my seat.
Okay, well, just find another one.
Well, that's the problem.
There aren't any.
Oh, God.
Don't tell me we're - Overbooked? - By four people.
I talked to the gate agents, who blamed ticketing.
Then I talked to ticketing, who blamed the Web site.
Then I talked to the Web guys, who hacked my Twitter.
I blame the gate agents.
They love calling names off the standby list and watching the world burn.
It's ironic, isn't it? The plane is overbooked, yet the seat in my heart remains vacant.
Don't tell the gate agents because they'll stuff two people in there.
Well, I guess we have to deal with this now.
[SIGHS.]
[SEAT BELT INDICATOR CHIMES.]
All right, everyone.
Like a '90s rap video, this plane's got too many butts.
So four lucky people willing to take a later flight will receive $100.
Ooh! Okay, two hundred and fifty five dollars.
Come on, guys.
The average round-trip ticket on Jackpot costs, like, $12.
With that money, you could buy yourself, like How many flights will that buy? If I could do that math, do you think I'd have this job? We're holding out for big money.
- [PASSENGERS MURMUR AGREEMENT.]
- Big money? This is Jackpot.
They buy refurbished seats from plane crashes.
This is all we're authorized to give.
Please, someone take this deal, because it only gets worse from here.
All right.
I'm sorry, everyone, but Jackpot protocol says until four of you take the offer, there's no food, no drinks and no bathrooms.
[PASSENGERS GRUMBLING.]
Now you understand why I oohed when she offered the money.
[GRUMBLING CONTINUES.]
- Hey, I'll give you five bucks for the - Ew, no.
No, for the water.
I'm dying here, and they won't give us anything.
- I'll sell it to you for $20.
- Deal.
Just wondering, what made you say, "Ew, no," and, uh, how much for that? Uh-uh.
[SIGHS.]
Okay, I'm ready for more date.
Don't you have to focus on getting four people off this plane? Nah, someone's gonna crack.
In the meantime, we've had shampoo.
- What's for conditioner? - Well, I'm glad you asked.
Is that supposed to be sushi? May I present to you freshly caught Swedish Fish on Rice Krispy Treats.
I call it the Hudson News Roll.
I know how much you like crap.
- I love crap.
- [CHUCKLES.]
DAVE [OVER P.
A.
.]
: Ronnie, report to the cockpit.
Aw, crap.
I'll be right back.
[SIGHS.]
Hey, Dave, we are totally on top of this overbooked thing.
I'm sure people are gonna start dropping soon.
I'm actually not sure why they haven't yet.
Cheez-Its are $10.
Waters are $20.
I do not make change.
I don't care about that.
I called you in to talk about how love is the worst and to rip up photos of our exes.
I don't actually have any photos of Gwen, so I had to improvise.
I'm sorry, Dave.
But I'm actually feeling pretty hopeful about love right now.
You're abandoning me, too? Traitor.
This is you now.
Sorry, Alan.
I know how hard you worked on that.
Listen to me, Caroline, this is the gate agents' fault.
You're the gate agent.
It's your fault, Caroline.
Then come in here and talk to me.
Well, I'm not coming out there.
Fine.
We'll meet in Switzerland.
I don't know what's taking you sky waiters so long, but we need this gate.
Believe it or not, other flights need to take off, too.
The world doesn't revolve around you and your little plane.
We would've been long gone if you hadn't kept tossing bodies in here like it was a Malaysian rickshaw.
Well, when corporate calls to ask why their entire schedule's delayed, I'll be telling them it's because you couldn't handle your business, Bernard.
You keep my name out of your ramen-breath mouth.
It's not ramen.
It's pho.
Ronnie, two things.
One: Caroline has a surprisingly international palate.
Two: she's gonna pin this all on us if we don't take off soon.
Why won't any of these people leave? I don't know.
I mean, who cares this much about a fight? If you offered me 250 bucks to get off this plane, I'd be knee-deep in Red Lobster - Cheddar Bay Biscuits by now.
- We need to do something.
We already have Jackpot's second worst on-time departure rating.
Any worse and we lose to Tampa.
Tampa, Ronnie! Well, what are we supposed to do? We already took away everything.
Not everything.
[AIR CONDITIONING SHUTS OFF.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Let's see how long they last without AC.
Sir, since we're overbooked, would you mind stowing your wooden boy to free up a seat? Hey, I paid for this seat.
I'm sittin' in it.
Hey, can we talk like humans? I mean, he should move.
He's not even real man.
Neither are you, and you're not getting up.
That is so immature.
You're using dummy to be mean to me? "Dummy"? This dummy's got three sold-out shows at the Rio this weekend, you trash-humper.
Hey, what did you just call me? Nothing.
[QUIETLY.]
: Trash-humper.
That's slander! I don't do that with trash! Oh, no? Then what are you doing with that can of Pringles? Oh, I'm using this as my wallet.
[BERNARD CLEARS THROAT.]
I don't know what you're up to, but your vibe is all wrong.
I'm trying to get four people off this plane.
Are you with us or against us? I don't know what you mean, Bernard.
I'm just a clueless stripper.
Uh-huh.
One eyebrow is already raised.
Don't make me raise the other.
[SIGHS.]
- [IRISH ACCENT.]
: Do you mind, bro? - Oh! Excuse me.
Um, I don't know where you expect me to stand though.
It's a packed plane, and this gentleman took my seat.
Aye, well, he's a Kang fan.
They don't respect anything.
Hey, you talking about us? Yeah, maybe I am.
What are you gonna do about it? Okay, let's calm down! Hey.
Hey! I was just about to sneak you a water.
I swear, not all dates with me will end in an epic struggle for survival.
But no promises if we move into a relationship.
Ronnie, this is crazy.
I should go.
I mean, I am the only person on this flight that doesn't actually need to be in Vegas, and you seem - so stressed.
- Don't you dare.
You are the one person I actually want on this plane.
Ronnie, new problem.
I mean, there was a problem, but I solved it, so it's fine.
Yeah, the-the two groups of angry shoulders in the cabin were getting ready to fight, but I averted disaster by pointing out we should all be supporting the troops.
- It's the ultimate sacrifice.
- They're protecting our freedom.
So they're fine, for now, although I would keep an eye on them.
As my father once said, a watched pot never boils.
That's right.
My father was the homemaker.
Well, now I have a fight to worry about.
Great, that's just one more thing I'll be right back.
[CHUCKLES.]
When those guys almost fought, what set them off? Well, it was a number of factors.
Uh, cultural differences, performative masculinity, me.
It was it was me.
Great! Go do that again.
What-what do you mean? [GASPS.]
You sweet, devious genius.
If they fight, we have a reason to kick them off.
Hold on, how am I supposed to make them that angry? Just tell them one of those things you say, like "A-a touchscreen will never replace the feel of a book.
" So you just want to hear a bunch of men loudly agree? - BOTH: Go! - [SIGHS.]
I hear you're carrying.
That depends.
Am I talking to Dave or Captain Dave? [SIGHS.]
I'm just a guy whose feelings got out of the pen, and now I'm looking for some chocolate cowboys - to round 'em up.
- I've got what you need.
Not here.
I know a place.
ARTEM: Hey, Nichole! Can you please help me? I'm very thirsty.
I'm sorry, Artem.
Business is booming.
I'm all out.
Hey, buddy, you want a sip of this? Oh, thank you.
That's very generous of you.
Oops.
How can you be so cruel? I'm just a simple man trying to get to Vegas so that I may spread the ashes of my beloved father in the canals of the Venetian.
Was your dad a trash-humper, too? Who was your mom, a wadded-up napkin? - ARTEM: Ronnie! - [RONNIE SIGHS.]
So, I don't want to cause any trouble, uh, but I believe I heard some of the Irish fans, uh, insulting your-your Samoan heritage insulting your Irish heritage and referred to Samoa as Earth's third nipple.
They also said that Liam Neeson is aging into an old woman.
saying that Samoa is barely a Guam.
And they said your music sounds like a "busted-ass ringtone.
" And they said the most common blood type for a Samoan is chocolate milkshake.
Come on.
Seriously, Artem? You're fighting with a puppet? Well, he started it.
Miss, I'm as surprised as you are.
I politely explained that my dummy is too valuable to be stowed.
He just started yelling and sweating at me.
That is untrue! And, yes, I know I'm doing both things right now, which doesn't help my case, I know.
- [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
- Look, I know everyone's going a little crazy right now, but don't worry.
We're gonna be getting people off this plane any minute.
I hear you're talking smack, Lucky Charms.
I'm just saying that you and your wee buddies here should stop ruining this for everyone and get off the plane.
I'll send you off this plane in a body bag.
- At least I fit in a body bad.
- You're dead meat.
Hey, stop! Hey, come on, guys.
Back off.
I-I don't think you understand what we're trying to do here.
Look, the whole point of watching MMA, is to get your aggression out in a healthy, non-violent way.
- [SIGHS.]
- Now, for me, that's hate-whisking a stiff-peaked meringue.
For you guys, that's watching Kang-McKnickerson.
Now, those guys fight so you don't have to.
That actually makes sense.
Okay.
We'll let Kang and McKnickerson settle this for us then, will we? What just happened? Ronald, this is not resolved! Ah, what's wrong? Miss your mommy, trash-humper? What did you just do? Uh, saved the day.
Those guys were about to kill each other.
Yes.
That's what we want.
If they fight, we can kick them off.
If we kick them off, we can leave.
Well, if I knew that was the plan, I still would have stopped it, because that's a terrible plan.
Physical violence was our best chance out of here.
Now no one's gonna fight.
For the last time, I'm tired of your insults! - [ARTEM GROWLS.]
- VENTRILOQUIST: What the? - What are you doing? - You little you little - [SHOUTING AND GRUNTING.]
- Oh.
I do have a fetish.
Careful I bruise like a peach.
Yeah.
Well, that's three off.
We just need one more person.
Any ideas? - I'll do it.
- Not you, Alan.
Oh.
The Hey.
Hey.
So, uh, obviously, this didn't really turn out the way I planned.
Uh, the whole "date on a plane" thing was obviously a bad idea.
- I think I'm gonna go.
- No.
No, Bryan, don't.
I'm-I'm so sorry about before.
Ah, look, y-you're stressed.
It's-it's cool, I get it.
I just, I think it's better for everybody if I leave.
We'll figure out something else.
I-I'll call you.
Bye.
[SIGHS.]
Is there any chance he meant that? Oh, sweetie.
I think you know my sarcastic reply.
Good news.
We got four people off the plane.
Well, three people and one pre-wish Pinocchio.
- But we can take off.
- Great.
Now I have to talk to ATC and remember that Gwen's not there because she's with Rod.
Why him? I've been saving up my miles.
I could have taken her to Poundtown.
Oh, Dave.
Okay, look.
When it comes to love, there are two types of people: Kangs and McKnickersons.
Kangs play defense, protecting their hearts, throwing out the occasional jabs.
But McKnickersons leave themselves open to taking those bigger swings.
What are you saying? Put money on Kang in the third? No.
I'm saying you're a McKnickerson.
You're always throwing emotional haymakers, which leaves you open to some pretty painful gut punches, but that's okay.
Because when you connect, you're gonna connect big.
You're gonna find love.
You're too good of a guy not to.
You know, I've been piloting planes for so long, sometimes I forget how to pilot my own life.
Okay, but don't say stuff like that, because it makes me feel like I'm wasting my time.
Hmm.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Well, Dave, I'm back with you.
Love is the worst.
Bryan did everything he could to make it work and I still screwed it up.
Maybe it's not the job, maybe it's us.
Hmm.
Might be us, but it's not me.
Sorry, Ronnie.
The bitter Captain Dave caterpillar has emerged from his grief cocoon as a hopeful butterfly looking for a sexy flower to pollinate.
Bees pollinate, stupid.
Butterflies do it, too.
- They're just less efficient.
- You're a traitor.
Alan, do you have any Dave drawings in that pile? - Um - [PAPERS SHUFFLING.]
Is this a nude? I didn't pose for that.
You didn't not pose for it.
Where did everyone go? You'll never believe this.
The fight's off.
Kang missed the weigh-in.
He was on the Jackpot flight out of Tampa.
They never even left the gate.
We're not the worst.
Bye, guys.
I'll see you next week.
Wait.
You're out, too? Don't you have to work this weekend? Not anymore.
I made a fortune today.
Which reminds me, this is for your troubles.
Bye.
We're all gonna be working for her one day, aren't we? I know this sounds crazy, but, um, that's actually my seat.
- Ugh.
- ANNOUNCER [OVER P.
A.
.]
: Flight 334 Remind me never to run out of ink in front of you.
[SIGHS.]
Do you fancy a-a drink and a talk? I don't know if I want to talk, but I definitely want a drink.
Okay, perfect.
Well, how about this: you finish whatever you're doing here, and I'll meet you at the bar.
Yeah, I'd like that.
Okay.
Excuse me, miss, is this what you're looking for? Bryan.
Hi.
Uh, wh-what are you doing here? We said we'd figure out things later, and I figured out that if I bought a ticket on Southwest, they'd get me here in half the time as it takes Jackpot.
Yes, but do they also lose your bags? I thought that if we can't make a date work out in the world, or on a plane, the least I could do is take you to dinner in Terminal Three? - You still need this? - No.
- Great.
- [GIGGLES.]
God, the airport has so many good options.
I know.
Love is the worst.
[SIGHS.]
I know, buddy.
Rip these up, it might help.
Who am I tearing up? I don't know.
Alan sucks at art.
Oh, excuse me.
[CANADIAN ACCENT.]
: Oh, hey, there, eh.
This is my first time to Vegas.
Do you want to know the rules about hockey? What's your name, eh? You got to speak up.
I blew an eardrum out at a Rush show a few years back, and then I took a puck to the other ear.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, bit of a shy guy, huh? That's all right.
I'll do all the talking.
I got a lot to talk aboot.
You ever have poutine? I don't like it.
But I eat it.
Ronnie!
My body is actively rejecting this uniform.
This job ruins everything.
My skin.
My dating life.
Would you like to vent about your dating life? Yes.
You remember Bryan, the cute chef that I met? Well, we still haven't found time to have our first date.
I was supposed to see him last night, but then we got delayed in Reno.
Oh, honey.
If your plans hinge on Reno, there's something wrong with your plans.
No, the problem is when you spend 60 hours a week in the sky, it is impossible to have a normal relationship with a regular person.
Can't have relationships with airline people, either.
- Hot dammit.
- What happened to you? Love happened to me.
It happened to me hard, and not in the good way.
Gwen left me for another man.
Oh, no.
Who's Gwen? She was the air traffic controller I fell for.
She left me for a limo driver named Rod.
He probably used a line on her like, "My car's not the only thing longer than average.
" - God, that's a good line.
- I get it, Dave.
Love is the worst.
The absolute worst.
It's like, "Why even try?" The universe is a cold bastard.
Sounds hard.
I deal with systemic racism every day.
Least you're getting laid.
Damn right, I am.
PILOT [OVER P.
A.
.]
: Jackpot Airlines.
Northeast-bound to Las Vegas.
[SLOT MACHINE CHIMING.]
[LOUD INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Is it me, or is the gate more crowded than usual? Well, there's a big MMA fight tonight.
- Ah.
- McKnickerson-Kang II.
It's a rematch.
The Irish Volcano versus the Emerald of Samoa.
This is huge betting weekend for me.
Well, it is a lot of men.
It must be a good weekend for you, too.
No, fight nights are usually dead at the club, so we have our intramural softball game.
It's a makeup against Momshells.
They canceled last week - due to custody hearings.
- Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hope they're ready to lose two weeks in a row.
Dear God.
I'm in charge of snacks.
Stop fighting back.
Uh, excuse me, miss? I'm a little busy here.
I just need to know where to put this.
Oh, come on, dude.
Bryan.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hi.
What are you doing here? Well, I thought since we can't schedule a date in the world, I'd bring a date here.
Oh, you brought a date? That seems cruel, but fine.
She's getting a middle seat.
Bad phrasing.
I meant we could have a date at your work.
I bought tickets to fly back and forth all weekend, which you'll either find charming or use as grounds for a restraining order.
Well, lucky for you, I can't afford a lawyer, so I have to find it charming.
But really I don't know what to say.
I mean, this is, like, the sweetest thing - anyone's ever done for me.
- WOMAN: Miss? Can I borrow your shoes to go to the bathroom? I have to go explain society to someone, but I will be back.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, uh, you know, take your time.
I'll have a-a whole date waiting for you when you're ready.
[DAVE CLEARS THROAT.]
You're gonna have to handle the comms today, Alan.
I don't think I can bear to hear Gwen's voice.
Oh, Gwen's not working this week.
She told me she was going on vacation with some guy named Rod.
Said he's taking her to Poundtown? [GROANS.]
If she says it's nice, I might take myself to Poundtown.
Oh! Excuse me That is unexpected reveal.
You bought him his own seat? Yeah.
He gets real whiny when I try putting him under the plane.
Yeah, still better than sitting next to chatty Canadian.
Oh, uh, excuse me.
I think you might have taken my seat.
Nope.
Don't think so.
Okay, well, th-that is my seat, because that's my NPR tote bag, and that's my-my book.
- Oh, this book? - Yes.
It's-it's actually a gripping tome on some of the nicer points Oh, my God! Wow.
Well, now you have a problem with me and with the Pasadena Public Library.
But no matter.
I will find another seat.
Hmm.
So sorry to keep you waiting.
I'm all yours now.
Well, I hope you brought your passport, because our date begins by you getting whisked away to Argentina circa 2012.
Now, you can't bring in a whole bottle of Malbec, but you can smuggle it in three ounces at a time.
Ronnie, we have a problem.
Oh, I'm in Argentina right now, Colin.
Oh, look, it's the restaurant guy from the restaurant.
What's all this, then? Just a little makeshift plane date.
'Cause who doesn't love a shampoo-y finish under a buttery Chard? Is there a problem, Colin? Yes, I'm sorry.
Um, that guy over there took my seat.
Okay, well, just find another one.
Well, that's the problem.
There aren't any.
Oh, God.
Don't tell me we're - Overbooked? - By four people.
I talked to the gate agents, who blamed ticketing.
Then I talked to ticketing, who blamed the Web site.
Then I talked to the Web guys, who hacked my Twitter.
I blame the gate agents.
They love calling names off the standby list and watching the world burn.
It's ironic, isn't it? The plane is overbooked, yet the seat in my heart remains vacant.
Don't tell the gate agents because they'll stuff two people in there.
Well, I guess we have to deal with this now.
[SIGHS.]
[SEAT BELT INDICATOR CHIMES.]
All right, everyone.
Like a '90s rap video, this plane's got too many butts.
So four lucky people willing to take a later flight will receive $100.
Ooh! Okay, two hundred and fifty five dollars.
Come on, guys.
The average round-trip ticket on Jackpot costs, like, $12.
With that money, you could buy yourself, like How many flights will that buy? If I could do that math, do you think I'd have this job? We're holding out for big money.
- [PASSENGERS MURMUR AGREEMENT.]
- Big money? This is Jackpot.
They buy refurbished seats from plane crashes.
This is all we're authorized to give.
Please, someone take this deal, because it only gets worse from here.
All right.
I'm sorry, everyone, but Jackpot protocol says until four of you take the offer, there's no food, no drinks and no bathrooms.
[PASSENGERS GRUMBLING.]
Now you understand why I oohed when she offered the money.
[GRUMBLING CONTINUES.]
- Hey, I'll give you five bucks for the - Ew, no.
No, for the water.
I'm dying here, and they won't give us anything.
- I'll sell it to you for $20.
- Deal.
Just wondering, what made you say, "Ew, no," and, uh, how much for that? Uh-uh.
[SIGHS.]
Okay, I'm ready for more date.
Don't you have to focus on getting four people off this plane? Nah, someone's gonna crack.
In the meantime, we've had shampoo.
- What's for conditioner? - Well, I'm glad you asked.
Is that supposed to be sushi? May I present to you freshly caught Swedish Fish on Rice Krispy Treats.
I call it the Hudson News Roll.
I know how much you like crap.
- I love crap.
- [CHUCKLES.]
DAVE [OVER P.
A.
.]
: Ronnie, report to the cockpit.
Aw, crap.
I'll be right back.
[SIGHS.]
Hey, Dave, we are totally on top of this overbooked thing.
I'm sure people are gonna start dropping soon.
I'm actually not sure why they haven't yet.
Cheez-Its are $10.
Waters are $20.
I do not make change.
I don't care about that.
I called you in to talk about how love is the worst and to rip up photos of our exes.
I don't actually have any photos of Gwen, so I had to improvise.
I'm sorry, Dave.
But I'm actually feeling pretty hopeful about love right now.
You're abandoning me, too? Traitor.
This is you now.
Sorry, Alan.
I know how hard you worked on that.
Listen to me, Caroline, this is the gate agents' fault.
You're the gate agent.
It's your fault, Caroline.
Then come in here and talk to me.
Well, I'm not coming out there.
Fine.
We'll meet in Switzerland.
I don't know what's taking you sky waiters so long, but we need this gate.
Believe it or not, other flights need to take off, too.
The world doesn't revolve around you and your little plane.
We would've been long gone if you hadn't kept tossing bodies in here like it was a Malaysian rickshaw.
Well, when corporate calls to ask why their entire schedule's delayed, I'll be telling them it's because you couldn't handle your business, Bernard.
You keep my name out of your ramen-breath mouth.
It's not ramen.
It's pho.
Ronnie, two things.
One: Caroline has a surprisingly international palate.
Two: she's gonna pin this all on us if we don't take off soon.
Why won't any of these people leave? I don't know.
I mean, who cares this much about a fight? If you offered me 250 bucks to get off this plane, I'd be knee-deep in Red Lobster - Cheddar Bay Biscuits by now.
- We need to do something.
We already have Jackpot's second worst on-time departure rating.
Any worse and we lose to Tampa.
Tampa, Ronnie! Well, what are we supposed to do? We already took away everything.
Not everything.
[AIR CONDITIONING SHUTS OFF.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Let's see how long they last without AC.
Sir, since we're overbooked, would you mind stowing your wooden boy to free up a seat? Hey, I paid for this seat.
I'm sittin' in it.
Hey, can we talk like humans? I mean, he should move.
He's not even real man.
Neither are you, and you're not getting up.
That is so immature.
You're using dummy to be mean to me? "Dummy"? This dummy's got three sold-out shows at the Rio this weekend, you trash-humper.
Hey, what did you just call me? Nothing.
[QUIETLY.]
: Trash-humper.
That's slander! I don't do that with trash! Oh, no? Then what are you doing with that can of Pringles? Oh, I'm using this as my wallet.
[BERNARD CLEARS THROAT.]
I don't know what you're up to, but your vibe is all wrong.
I'm trying to get four people off this plane.
Are you with us or against us? I don't know what you mean, Bernard.
I'm just a clueless stripper.
Uh-huh.
One eyebrow is already raised.
Don't make me raise the other.
[SIGHS.]
- [IRISH ACCENT.]
: Do you mind, bro? - Oh! Excuse me.
Um, I don't know where you expect me to stand though.
It's a packed plane, and this gentleman took my seat.
Aye, well, he's a Kang fan.
They don't respect anything.
Hey, you talking about us? Yeah, maybe I am.
What are you gonna do about it? Okay, let's calm down! Hey.
Hey! I was just about to sneak you a water.
I swear, not all dates with me will end in an epic struggle for survival.
But no promises if we move into a relationship.
Ronnie, this is crazy.
I should go.
I mean, I am the only person on this flight that doesn't actually need to be in Vegas, and you seem - so stressed.
- Don't you dare.
You are the one person I actually want on this plane.
Ronnie, new problem.
I mean, there was a problem, but I solved it, so it's fine.
Yeah, the-the two groups of angry shoulders in the cabin were getting ready to fight, but I averted disaster by pointing out we should all be supporting the troops.
- It's the ultimate sacrifice.
- They're protecting our freedom.
So they're fine, for now, although I would keep an eye on them.
As my father once said, a watched pot never boils.
That's right.
My father was the homemaker.
Well, now I have a fight to worry about.
Great, that's just one more thing I'll be right back.
[CHUCKLES.]
When those guys almost fought, what set them off? Well, it was a number of factors.
Uh, cultural differences, performative masculinity, me.
It was it was me.
Great! Go do that again.
What-what do you mean? [GASPS.]
You sweet, devious genius.
If they fight, we have a reason to kick them off.
Hold on, how am I supposed to make them that angry? Just tell them one of those things you say, like "A-a touchscreen will never replace the feel of a book.
" So you just want to hear a bunch of men loudly agree? - BOTH: Go! - [SIGHS.]
I hear you're carrying.
That depends.
Am I talking to Dave or Captain Dave? [SIGHS.]
I'm just a guy whose feelings got out of the pen, and now I'm looking for some chocolate cowboys - to round 'em up.
- I've got what you need.
Not here.
I know a place.
ARTEM: Hey, Nichole! Can you please help me? I'm very thirsty.
I'm sorry, Artem.
Business is booming.
I'm all out.
Hey, buddy, you want a sip of this? Oh, thank you.
That's very generous of you.
Oops.
How can you be so cruel? I'm just a simple man trying to get to Vegas so that I may spread the ashes of my beloved father in the canals of the Venetian.
Was your dad a trash-humper, too? Who was your mom, a wadded-up napkin? - ARTEM: Ronnie! - [RONNIE SIGHS.]
So, I don't want to cause any trouble, uh, but I believe I heard some of the Irish fans, uh, insulting your-your Samoan heritage insulting your Irish heritage and referred to Samoa as Earth's third nipple.
They also said that Liam Neeson is aging into an old woman.
saying that Samoa is barely a Guam.
And they said your music sounds like a "busted-ass ringtone.
" And they said the most common blood type for a Samoan is chocolate milkshake.
Come on.
Seriously, Artem? You're fighting with a puppet? Well, he started it.
Miss, I'm as surprised as you are.
I politely explained that my dummy is too valuable to be stowed.
He just started yelling and sweating at me.
That is untrue! And, yes, I know I'm doing both things right now, which doesn't help my case, I know.
- [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
- Look, I know everyone's going a little crazy right now, but don't worry.
We're gonna be getting people off this plane any minute.
I hear you're talking smack, Lucky Charms.
I'm just saying that you and your wee buddies here should stop ruining this for everyone and get off the plane.
I'll send you off this plane in a body bag.
- At least I fit in a body bad.
- You're dead meat.
Hey, stop! Hey, come on, guys.
Back off.
I-I don't think you understand what we're trying to do here.
Look, the whole point of watching MMA, is to get your aggression out in a healthy, non-violent way.
- [SIGHS.]
- Now, for me, that's hate-whisking a stiff-peaked meringue.
For you guys, that's watching Kang-McKnickerson.
Now, those guys fight so you don't have to.
That actually makes sense.
Okay.
We'll let Kang and McKnickerson settle this for us then, will we? What just happened? Ronald, this is not resolved! Ah, what's wrong? Miss your mommy, trash-humper? What did you just do? Uh, saved the day.
Those guys were about to kill each other.
Yes.
That's what we want.
If they fight, we can kick them off.
If we kick them off, we can leave.
Well, if I knew that was the plan, I still would have stopped it, because that's a terrible plan.
Physical violence was our best chance out of here.
Now no one's gonna fight.
For the last time, I'm tired of your insults! - [ARTEM GROWLS.]
- VENTRILOQUIST: What the? - What are you doing? - You little you little - [SHOUTING AND GRUNTING.]
- Oh.
I do have a fetish.
Careful I bruise like a peach.
Yeah.
Well, that's three off.
We just need one more person.
Any ideas? - I'll do it.
- Not you, Alan.
Oh.
The Hey.
Hey.
So, uh, obviously, this didn't really turn out the way I planned.
Uh, the whole "date on a plane" thing was obviously a bad idea.
- I think I'm gonna go.
- No.
No, Bryan, don't.
I'm-I'm so sorry about before.
Ah, look, y-you're stressed.
It's-it's cool, I get it.
I just, I think it's better for everybody if I leave.
We'll figure out something else.
I-I'll call you.
Bye.
[SIGHS.]
Is there any chance he meant that? Oh, sweetie.
I think you know my sarcastic reply.
Good news.
We got four people off the plane.
Well, three people and one pre-wish Pinocchio.
- But we can take off.
- Great.
Now I have to talk to ATC and remember that Gwen's not there because she's with Rod.
Why him? I've been saving up my miles.
I could have taken her to Poundtown.
Oh, Dave.
Okay, look.
When it comes to love, there are two types of people: Kangs and McKnickersons.
Kangs play defense, protecting their hearts, throwing out the occasional jabs.
But McKnickersons leave themselves open to taking those bigger swings.
What are you saying? Put money on Kang in the third? No.
I'm saying you're a McKnickerson.
You're always throwing emotional haymakers, which leaves you open to some pretty painful gut punches, but that's okay.
Because when you connect, you're gonna connect big.
You're gonna find love.
You're too good of a guy not to.
You know, I've been piloting planes for so long, sometimes I forget how to pilot my own life.
Okay, but don't say stuff like that, because it makes me feel like I'm wasting my time.
Hmm.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Well, Dave, I'm back with you.
Love is the worst.
Bryan did everything he could to make it work and I still screwed it up.
Maybe it's not the job, maybe it's us.
Hmm.
Might be us, but it's not me.
Sorry, Ronnie.
The bitter Captain Dave caterpillar has emerged from his grief cocoon as a hopeful butterfly looking for a sexy flower to pollinate.
Bees pollinate, stupid.
Butterflies do it, too.
- They're just less efficient.
- You're a traitor.
Alan, do you have any Dave drawings in that pile? - Um - [PAPERS SHUFFLING.]
Is this a nude? I didn't pose for that.
You didn't not pose for it.
Where did everyone go? You'll never believe this.
The fight's off.
Kang missed the weigh-in.
He was on the Jackpot flight out of Tampa.
They never even left the gate.
We're not the worst.
Bye, guys.
I'll see you next week.
Wait.
You're out, too? Don't you have to work this weekend? Not anymore.
I made a fortune today.
Which reminds me, this is for your troubles.
Bye.
We're all gonna be working for her one day, aren't we? I know this sounds crazy, but, um, that's actually my seat.
- Ugh.
- ANNOUNCER [OVER P.
A.
.]
: Flight 334 Remind me never to run out of ink in front of you.
[SIGHS.]
Do you fancy a-a drink and a talk? I don't know if I want to talk, but I definitely want a drink.
Okay, perfect.
Well, how about this: you finish whatever you're doing here, and I'll meet you at the bar.
Yeah, I'd like that.
Okay.
Excuse me, miss, is this what you're looking for? Bryan.
Hi.
Uh, wh-what are you doing here? We said we'd figure out things later, and I figured out that if I bought a ticket on Southwest, they'd get me here in half the time as it takes Jackpot.
Yes, but do they also lose your bags? I thought that if we can't make a date work out in the world, or on a plane, the least I could do is take you to dinner in Terminal Three? - You still need this? - No.
- Great.
- [GIGGLES.]
God, the airport has so many good options.
I know.
Love is the worst.
[SIGHS.]
I know, buddy.
Rip these up, it might help.
Who am I tearing up? I don't know.
Alan sucks at art.
Oh, excuse me.
[CANADIAN ACCENT.]
: Oh, hey, there, eh.
This is my first time to Vegas.
Do you want to know the rules about hockey? What's your name, eh? You got to speak up.
I blew an eardrum out at a Rush show a few years back, and then I took a puck to the other ear.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, bit of a shy guy, huh? That's all right.
I'll do all the talking.
I got a lot to talk aboot.
You ever have poutine? I don't like it.
But I eat it.
Ronnie!