Lazor Wulf (2019) s01e09 Episode Script
They Ain't Know
1 La, la, la La, la la la, la-la la la Da da da da Da da da da da da Heyyyyyyyyy I know you just farted, but I'm going to respect your hustle and not say a word.
Thank you.
And I knew from this moment on, we'd be friends until the end of this drive.
Stupid Horse, where you got us going, my dude? I'll give you 12 hints.
It's called God's Museum of Obvious Beliefs.
Come on.
You know I don't participate in God-related activities.
It's too late to back out, anyways.
We're already here.
Also, I heard they got a real, live Bigfoot - with little foots.
- That's bullshit.
Lazor Wulf continues to sit in the car and refuses to give to Stupid Horse's words any credence.
Lazor Wulf, having your life revolve around stuff you can't prove or confirm is what life is all about.
Bill Figga, he's that spinna.
Bill Figga, he's that spinna.
Everything is a lie.
Like for one, the Earth being flat no, thank you.
At the Church of Scientifical Spinnas, we're only preaching facts, like how there's only one Earth and that it's most definitely round.
Hmm, you talking that shit.
Preach.
Flat, why? Because God says so? The man is a deceiver.
No, you're the deceiver-r-r-r-r-r.
Why am I so passionate about this? I've been trying to tell these spinnas, man.
God is the fibber.
He has us running around in circles believing that this world is flat, and the sheep like you believe him.
Baah! Baaaaaaah! Tragic.
Tragic, it is.
I have to pee.
My name is Bill Figga, the Science Spinna.
I believe the Earth is round.
Bye-bye.
That man has not a single [bshh.]
to give.
He was talking a serious amount of bunk.
Luckily you held me back.
I was gonna thrash him.
You know, Stupid Horse, I believe I found something to believe in.
Lamar Wulf, I like your character.
You're special and loyal.
Thanks, Mr.
Figga.
You know, we always got room for one more Scientifical spinna.
- Where do I sign? - Uh, are you serious? I thought beliefs were stupid.
No, your beliefs.
His beliefs are scientific.
It's even in the name.
My beliefs are smart and real.
Flat Earths are real.
Round stuff is stupid and unreal.
What the [bshh.]
did you just say? Damn! Don't insult my beliefs.
I'll eat your [bshh.]
ing heart.
I swear I will.
Lazor Wulf, I think it's time that you remove yourself from these God-fearing flat-Earthers and join the family.
Peace.
That's cool.
Have your little funky round friends.
Yeti and I are going to learn actual things in a real museum.
I don't know.
Not really the museum type, my dude.
They got Neanderthal unicyclers.
I'm in.
You got globes, bobble Earths and your Coco Earth Puffs all in there.
Now, go out there and spread that round-Earther truth.
- And don't forget to sell that merch.
- Merch? I thought we were heading back to the compound so me and Bill can discuss how to get these round-Earth measures rolling.
- See what I did there? - You got to prove your worth.
And that involves selling merch? Yep.
Hi.
I'm with the Church of Scientifical Spinnas.
Did you know that everything that we think that we know is pure bunk? Hey, check this out.
Go pee into your own mouth.
I will not be doing that.
But would you like a snow globe? Hi.
I see that you live here, too.
Would you like to buy a dope round Earth? Get out of here, mayonnaise monkey.
Mayonnaise the worst condiment.
It truly is.
Now, get off my second porch! Ooh, you like my haircut, little buster? No, but would you like to hear about the round Earth - and buy a snow globe? - Hey, buster.
Compliment my haircut first before you get on my biggety bus.
Sir, I can't do that.
Pull yourself together, Lazor, and remember why you did this.
You got to help spread the truth.
Now, where is unnecessary roundness valued? Yo, son, you a genius.
All them big marbles with islands on it make perfect, cheap implants for my delicate dancers.
Thanks for the money, and I really hope you enjoy the rest of your day, sir.
Yes! That was great.
Okay, time to go.
Huh? Looks like we're locked in.
Bill Figga, he's that spinna.
Bill Figga, he's that spinna.
Bill Figga, he's that spinna.
Bill Figga, he's that spinna.
Uh, if I may ask, what's this stupid thing y'all doing? Bill Figga demands we praise his scientificalness all day, or we'll get a stern talking to and a beating.
Yeah, got you.
Where's Prophet Figga anyway? Hey.
I know you.
You were the one with the horse.
You sell that merch yet? Great job.
I knew you were a true believer.
Yeah, I guess.
Can I ask what the hell this is all about? What does it look like it's about? This is the round pathway to scientifical enlightenment.
That doesn't make any sense.
I don't see anybody around here talking round-Earth philosophy.
As a matter of fact, everyone is just walking around praising you.
Glad you understand.
Before you go and make me more money, I need you to scrub the buttocks.
- Thanks.
- Won't be doing that.
Why not? You don't want your glorious leader walking around with a dusty bum.
Hey, you know what? You're exactly like God.
No, I'm better.
Bill Figga, he's that spinna.
Bill Figga, he's that spinna.
Bill Figga, he's that spinna.
Bill Figga, he's that spinna.
I'm good, and I'mma keep letting the world know it's round.
I don't need to praise you to do that.
Did I say that funny? Spinna, it's flat, like the ass of a person whose butt is flat.
- I made it all up.
- Wait, you made it up? Why? I enjoy getting these fart huffers worked up, and if I make some bread and get some gullible wolves to scrub my butt in the process, even better! So y'all going to act like you really don't hear this shit? The leader is confessing that he's a fraud.
Whatever.
I'm about to prove you wrong and expose your already-exposed dumb ass to the world.
Get him.
O-M-to-the-G-O-D.
Wowee, we're going to have a sleepover.
What should we do first? Oh, I know! Let's roast some bananas and tell some erotic stories.
I could use a coffee right about now.
Aah! Shh, shh.
Be quiet, man.
Just a scary voice coming from something scary.
Let's walk towards it and make friends.
Aah! Aah! Aah! Any luck, round-Earther girl? I keep telling you my name is Matilda, and, no, sir, he doesn't seem to be around.
Hmm.
I know how to flush him out.
You know who's amazing? God.
God is so, so magnificent.
Hell, no, he's not.
Get him.
Hey, look.
I need to borrow your bus.
Oh, this bus? Only if you tell me you like my haircut.
Tell me you like my cut.
Tell me you like my cut.
Tell me you like my cut.
I just can't do that, sir.
Oh, no bus for you, then, buster.
Okay.
You have a unique haircut.
Oh, good enough for me, little wolfy buster.
I'll never be able to live down complimenting that terrible-ass haircut.
Bill Figga is about to pay for this.
Your timing is impeccable.
Hurry up and get in the Goddamn bus.
How's your day going, my dude? I'm about to drive to the ends of the Earth and prove that there are no ends of the Earth 'cause the mother [bshh.]
in Earth is round, And I'm going to also prove that Bill Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's all well and good, but can we stop for coffee first before we get into that? Of course.
We're almost there.
This map says the so-called end of the Earth is in a half-mile.
This is so exciting Three best friends hijacking a bus And driving it off to the end of the Earth together Bow-wow-wow Lazor Wulf, you traitorous fool! Why are you trying to ruin a good this? 'Cause there is no ends of the Earth, and I'm going to prove it by myself.
Lazor Wulf, don't do this.
I won't believe it.
Well, you only live once, my dude.
You've killed us! You have killed us! Oh! This doesn't make any sense.
How can it not be round? Something is off.
You, Lazor Wulf, you have ruined everything! Bye-bye.
- Nooo! - What the [bshh.]
.
Hmm! So you're the real spinna of science? Yep.
When are you going to learn I'm always going to be right even when I'm wrong? Which I never am.
I should've known you'd be involved in this.
I'm kind of honored you went through all this trouble - just to annoy me.
- You're welcome.
Now, explain to me, which is it, that you don't respect me or you just think I'm dumb? - Which? - It's a lot of both.
I gave you lizard people, a whole round-Earth movement, and even got you stealing a bus, and you still question my power.
Okay.
Let's see if you can question the Cosmic Remote.
- Cosmic Remote? - Yes, the Cosmic Remote.
With this, the Earth can be changed into any shape.
This way, no one is right only me! I drank too much coffee, my dude.
Got the bubble guts.
All of this just to keep people in such perpetual chaos and confusion? Yep.
Now, praise me.
Before I do that, one more question.
So that remote right there controls everything that's happening on Earth right now? Yep, this remote right here.
It's really expensive, and I don't make this version anymore.
Collector's item.
Goddamn it! Oh, what on God's flat Earth just happened? Same old, same old.
Just me proving I was right about something.
Read the synopsis.
Yeah, you know, it's just some regular-degular - strong-bird-type shit - Yeah.
My name is Matilda Ma-til-da.
Thank you.
And I knew from this moment on, we'd be friends until the end of this drive.
Stupid Horse, where you got us going, my dude? I'll give you 12 hints.
It's called God's Museum of Obvious Beliefs.
Come on.
You know I don't participate in God-related activities.
It's too late to back out, anyways.
We're already here.
Also, I heard they got a real, live Bigfoot - with little foots.
- That's bullshit.
Lazor Wulf continues to sit in the car and refuses to give to Stupid Horse's words any credence.
Lazor Wulf, having your life revolve around stuff you can't prove or confirm is what life is all about.
Bill Figga, he's that spinna.
Bill Figga, he's that spinna.
Everything is a lie.
Like for one, the Earth being flat no, thank you.
At the Church of Scientifical Spinnas, we're only preaching facts, like how there's only one Earth and that it's most definitely round.
Hmm, you talking that shit.
Preach.
Flat, why? Because God says so? The man is a deceiver.
No, you're the deceiver-r-r-r-r-r.
Why am I so passionate about this? I've been trying to tell these spinnas, man.
God is the fibber.
He has us running around in circles believing that this world is flat, and the sheep like you believe him.
Baah! Baaaaaaah! Tragic.
Tragic, it is.
I have to pee.
My name is Bill Figga, the Science Spinna.
I believe the Earth is round.
Bye-bye.
That man has not a single [bshh.]
to give.
He was talking a serious amount of bunk.
Luckily you held me back.
I was gonna thrash him.
You know, Stupid Horse, I believe I found something to believe in.
Lamar Wulf, I like your character.
You're special and loyal.
Thanks, Mr.
Figga.
You know, we always got room for one more Scientifical spinna.
- Where do I sign? - Uh, are you serious? I thought beliefs were stupid.
No, your beliefs.
His beliefs are scientific.
It's even in the name.
My beliefs are smart and real.
Flat Earths are real.
Round stuff is stupid and unreal.
What the [bshh.]
did you just say? Damn! Don't insult my beliefs.
I'll eat your [bshh.]
ing heart.
I swear I will.
Lazor Wulf, I think it's time that you remove yourself from these God-fearing flat-Earthers and join the family.
Peace.
That's cool.
Have your little funky round friends.
Yeti and I are going to learn actual things in a real museum.
I don't know.
Not really the museum type, my dude.
They got Neanderthal unicyclers.
I'm in.
You got globes, bobble Earths and your Coco Earth Puffs all in there.
Now, go out there and spread that round-Earther truth.
- And don't forget to sell that merch.
- Merch? I thought we were heading back to the compound so me and Bill can discuss how to get these round-Earth measures rolling.
- See what I did there? - You got to prove your worth.
And that involves selling merch? Yep.
Hi.
I'm with the Church of Scientifical Spinnas.
Did you know that everything that we think that we know is pure bunk? Hey, check this out.
Go pee into your own mouth.
I will not be doing that.
But would you like a snow globe? Hi.
I see that you live here, too.
Would you like to buy a dope round Earth? Get out of here, mayonnaise monkey.
Mayonnaise the worst condiment.
It truly is.
Now, get off my second porch! Ooh, you like my haircut, little buster? No, but would you like to hear about the round Earth - and buy a snow globe? - Hey, buster.
Compliment my haircut first before you get on my biggety bus.
Sir, I can't do that.
Pull yourself together, Lazor, and remember why you did this.
You got to help spread the truth.
Now, where is unnecessary roundness valued? Yo, son, you a genius.
All them big marbles with islands on it make perfect, cheap implants for my delicate dancers.
Thanks for the money, and I really hope you enjoy the rest of your day, sir.
Yes! That was great.
Okay, time to go.
Huh? Looks like we're locked in.
Bill Figga, he's that spinna.
Bill Figga, he's that spinna.
Bill Figga, he's that spinna.
Bill Figga, he's that spinna.
Uh, if I may ask, what's this stupid thing y'all doing? Bill Figga demands we praise his scientificalness all day, or we'll get a stern talking to and a beating.
Yeah, got you.
Where's Prophet Figga anyway? Hey.
I know you.
You were the one with the horse.
You sell that merch yet? Great job.
I knew you were a true believer.
Yeah, I guess.
Can I ask what the hell this is all about? What does it look like it's about? This is the round pathway to scientifical enlightenment.
That doesn't make any sense.
I don't see anybody around here talking round-Earth philosophy.
As a matter of fact, everyone is just walking around praising you.
Glad you understand.
Before you go and make me more money, I need you to scrub the buttocks.
- Thanks.
- Won't be doing that.
Why not? You don't want your glorious leader walking around with a dusty bum.
Hey, you know what? You're exactly like God.
No, I'm better.
Bill Figga, he's that spinna.
Bill Figga, he's that spinna.
Bill Figga, he's that spinna.
Bill Figga, he's that spinna.
I'm good, and I'mma keep letting the world know it's round.
I don't need to praise you to do that.
Did I say that funny? Spinna, it's flat, like the ass of a person whose butt is flat.
- I made it all up.
- Wait, you made it up? Why? I enjoy getting these fart huffers worked up, and if I make some bread and get some gullible wolves to scrub my butt in the process, even better! So y'all going to act like you really don't hear this shit? The leader is confessing that he's a fraud.
Whatever.
I'm about to prove you wrong and expose your already-exposed dumb ass to the world.
Get him.
O-M-to-the-G-O-D.
Wowee, we're going to have a sleepover.
What should we do first? Oh, I know! Let's roast some bananas and tell some erotic stories.
I could use a coffee right about now.
Aah! Shh, shh.
Be quiet, man.
Just a scary voice coming from something scary.
Let's walk towards it and make friends.
Aah! Aah! Aah! Any luck, round-Earther girl? I keep telling you my name is Matilda, and, no, sir, he doesn't seem to be around.
Hmm.
I know how to flush him out.
You know who's amazing? God.
God is so, so magnificent.
Hell, no, he's not.
Get him.
Hey, look.
I need to borrow your bus.
Oh, this bus? Only if you tell me you like my haircut.
Tell me you like my cut.
Tell me you like my cut.
Tell me you like my cut.
I just can't do that, sir.
Oh, no bus for you, then, buster.
Okay.
You have a unique haircut.
Oh, good enough for me, little wolfy buster.
I'll never be able to live down complimenting that terrible-ass haircut.
Bill Figga is about to pay for this.
Your timing is impeccable.
Hurry up and get in the Goddamn bus.
How's your day going, my dude? I'm about to drive to the ends of the Earth and prove that there are no ends of the Earth 'cause the mother [bshh.]
in Earth is round, And I'm going to also prove that Bill Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's all well and good, but can we stop for coffee first before we get into that? Of course.
We're almost there.
This map says the so-called end of the Earth is in a half-mile.
This is so exciting Three best friends hijacking a bus And driving it off to the end of the Earth together Bow-wow-wow Lazor Wulf, you traitorous fool! Why are you trying to ruin a good this? 'Cause there is no ends of the Earth, and I'm going to prove it by myself.
Lazor Wulf, don't do this.
I won't believe it.
Well, you only live once, my dude.
You've killed us! You have killed us! Oh! This doesn't make any sense.
How can it not be round? Something is off.
You, Lazor Wulf, you have ruined everything! Bye-bye.
- Nooo! - What the [bshh.]
.
Hmm! So you're the real spinna of science? Yep.
When are you going to learn I'm always going to be right even when I'm wrong? Which I never am.
I should've known you'd be involved in this.
I'm kind of honored you went through all this trouble - just to annoy me.
- You're welcome.
Now, explain to me, which is it, that you don't respect me or you just think I'm dumb? - Which? - It's a lot of both.
I gave you lizard people, a whole round-Earth movement, and even got you stealing a bus, and you still question my power.
Okay.
Let's see if you can question the Cosmic Remote.
- Cosmic Remote? - Yes, the Cosmic Remote.
With this, the Earth can be changed into any shape.
This way, no one is right only me! I drank too much coffee, my dude.
Got the bubble guts.
All of this just to keep people in such perpetual chaos and confusion? Yep.
Now, praise me.
Before I do that, one more question.
So that remote right there controls everything that's happening on Earth right now? Yep, this remote right here.
It's really expensive, and I don't make this version anymore.
Collector's item.
Goddamn it! Oh, what on God's flat Earth just happened? Same old, same old.
Just me proving I was right about something.
Read the synopsis.
Yeah, you know, it's just some regular-degular - strong-bird-type shit - Yeah.
My name is Matilda Ma-til-da.