Les Norton (2019) s01e09 Episode Script

What have you lost? Keys.
You haven't told Price yet? So, you want to tell him then? "Sorry, boss, we lost the keys of your car in the footing of your handball court right next to you know who?" So, you reckon you're not the rat, aye? Price has the hots for you.
Why is that so hard to believe? Old Pricey's past his use-by date.
What a lot of interesting ideas you have, Dolores.
Oh, thank you, Daddy, thank you.
I'll be going with that girl that I met at aerobics.
If I'd known this aerobics caper was going to be this much fun, I would have aerobicsed it up earlier.
She says that she knows you.
Dolly, something or other, Dolly Boggins.
- Not Bognor? - Yeah, that's it.
(GIRLS SCREAM) - Dad! - Dad! Dad, come quick, there's a man! Hurry! (SCREAMS) - Dad! - Dad! (SCREAMS) Oh, my God, Daddy! - Get out.
- Get him out! Get out! Dad! He went over there.
That way! That way! Kill him! (GUNSHOT) (GUNSHOT) Hey, sit down, darling.
Hey, what happened? You OK? Eh? This man came in.
- A tiny Asian man.
- A tiny Asian man came in.
He was so bald.
And he was right over there.
And he was going to kidnap one of us and ruin our entire night.
But then my head got (CONTINUES TALKING) - And he chucked a wobbly.
- Then Pia just went insane.
- It was so intense.
- Next time, I'll kill him.
OK, alright, how about we find you somewhere nice and safe to sleep for the night, OK? Like, you can go and have a little mini vacation.
- Not Grandma's! - Yeah, she's not even human.
And her pool has leaves in it.
Look, we don't have to worry about Grandma.
Come on, come on, go and pack a bag each, alright? - OK.
- Come on, come on, quick sticks.
(SIGHS) NARRATOR: And just like that, any chance of a truce went right out the window, along with the little bald bloke with the porno 'tache.
Price's sanity wouldn't be far behind.
Hey, Eddie, you seen one of these? Saw it on telly one night, they reckon you can cut through a shoe, then a tomato, and then anything you like.
What's going on, boss? I mean, she comes into my house, in my locale, threatening my kids like it's bloody amateur hour.
Well, guess what? Amateur hour's over.
If that fork hawker thinks she can just walk around within all access pass to the eastern suburbs, well, she needs her head read.
She needs to be sent packing, in tiny little pieces.
She call the fun busters? (SIRENS WAIL) Oh, no, that'll be Mrs next door.
She'll call the bloody commissioner if you leave the blender on after dark.
You want me to sort it? No, no.
No, look after the girls, will you? And then, um then go and find Dolores and Thumper.
I'll take care of her.
No, the last thing we need's a bloody piece in the papers.
It's probably best you put the knife away before they get here, boss.
(MUMBLES) Oh, yeah.
Hi, Uncle Eddie.
G'day, girls.
Hey, Eddie's going to take you two girls to get snookered away safely in the Selebo for the night, OK? - Is the Selebo boring? - If it's boring I'll die.
- Can we get room service? - I need pancakes.
- And oysters.
- Oysters are for skanks.
And pancakes are for virgins.
You've never even been fingered, you frigid slut.
Hey, girls, just order whatever you fucking like, OK? If they don't have it, tell them I'll rip their heads off.
No, no, just tell them I'll be a little bit disappointed, OK? There you go, there you go.
Oh, my two little angels.
Two absolute psychopaths! Why couldn't you just have grabbed one of them.
Are you joking? They were like banshees! They were coming at me from everywhere.
(GIRLS SCREAM) I'm sure you've handled worse than a couple of schoolgirls past their bedtime.
Look, I did what I could do.
(SCREAMS) Honestly, D I'm lucky to be alive.
But you still spooked Price, though, didn't ya? Oh, yeah.
He sent 'em off to the Selebo Hotel.
You want me to take another swing at 'em? Nah.
You hang tight.
Let's let 'em get cosy, and then I'll give it a crack.
Fucker! I was so looking forward to extorting that wanker.
I think we can still ping him but we might have to do it, you know, by the book.
Less talking, more munching, please.
I'm telling ya, I'm telling ya, look, I can just round up a few guys, and find out what they know about it, yeah? I know how to make people talk.
I'm very good at that also, hmm? OK, yeah, alright, do it.
Just collar every dip shit in his network and get somebody to spill.
Mm.
- Wait - What, what? - Nah, move it.
- What aren't we going to finish? I wanna finish him! What about little Thumper? Let it motivate you.
That cocksucker's going down.
Evening, Eddie.
The presidential suite, as always.
Full house tonight? Had to move some things around last minute for some VIPs.
Yeah, well, you see anything suss, call me at the club or let the boys know.
Of course.
These girls are your number one priority.
Understand? They could not be safer.
(POP MUSIC PLAYS) Is that Jason Donovan? I have to sit on his face.
No, it's not even Jason Donovan, you idiot, it's Warwick Capper.
- Mm.
- She's right.
I heard Rob Lowe's here too.
Rob Lowe is here? - That's what everybody said.
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - Up to your room! - But Rob Lowe is here.
- Who? - Rob Lowe.
People Magazine's sexiest man alive? - Yeah, get a clue, Eddie.
- I'm going to marry him.
After I ruin him.
And that means one day he'll be your boss, so you should probably know who he is.
That may well be the case, but up until that time, room.
Oh, cheer up, princess.
It's the Selebo.
Hey, we might even bump into a celebrity or two.
- Big whoop.
- Don't be like that.
- It'll be fun.
- Fun? Mate, I could think of better things to do on me night off.
Yeah, right.
Sure you can.
- (CHUCKLES) - What's that supposed to mean? Come on, brother.
I know you got someone warming your sheets at home.
Like I'd bloody tell you.
Fair enough.
So she let you play with her handcuffs? Oi! Don't talk about Emily like that! Emily? Do you think Dad knows Rob Lowe? Can you ask him? No.
- Please? - Come on.
- Eddie.
Eddie.
Please - Just ask him, please! OK! (HISSES) If I ask him, will you guys quit it? - Of course.
- Probably not.
Oh, good timing, boys.
- Hi, Les.
- Oh, hey, girls.
Hi, Billy.
OK, the boys are gonna be here all night, keeping an eye on you.
A close eye, I hope.
In you go.
But, Eddie, just because some tiny full porno Asian man tried to kidnap us, it doesn't mean we should miss out on the most important moment of our lives.
Huh? Meeting Rob Lowe and marrying him? He won't be worth marrying once I've destroyed him.
- Oh, you're so desperate.
- Well, the truth hurts, Pia.
Oh, my God! OK, enough with the Rob Lowe palaver, both of you, huh? - BILLY: Oh, man.
- Oh, my God If you've got an aspirin, take it now.
I'm going to go and do a lap.
I might, uh might rustle us up some coffees.
Oh, my God.
Are the girls OK? Uh, no, they're fine.
The boys are looking after them at the Selebo now.
What about Chenille? Um oh, God, she's up in bloody Honkers.
And you? Oh, I'm terrific, I'm terrific, you know.
I'm just glad you're here, that's all.
(CLEARS THROAT) You know, for your own safety.
Right.
Can I fix you something? Er maybe after sunrise.
Alright, suit yourself.
So, what's the plan? Mm, hm? Maybe we do a ring around when the sun comes up? Eh? Oh, yeah, no, a ring around, ring around.
Yeah, no, we can, um yeah, pull in some favours.
It's a bloody terrific idea.
Yeah, I'll, um I'll draw up a list, and we'll shut this thing down before it gets any more out of control.
Yeah.
Good evening, Strawberry Shortcakes.
What's your poison? Ah, I'll just grab two coffees, please? Sure? Need a little pick me up, do you? Yep, something like that.
Long night ahead? Yep.
Well, I've got another Colombian blend if you're interested? Oh White lady? Booger sugar? Disco snow? The blizzard.
Bit of yay? Ya-yo? Toot? Tutti frutti? The devil's dandruff? Just, uh, two coffees, please.
Sure.
(WOMEN LAUGH) Central bloody station! (URINATES, SIGHS) Oh, no way! Are you the Bowen Lager guy? (CRUNCH!) You're better looking in real life, I reckon.
Yeah.
Yeah, cheers.
So, you don't mind getting your hands dirty, do you? Only when it matters.
Me either, as it turns out.
In fact fucking love it! Good luck, big boy.
Jesus! You don't muck around, do you? Nope.
These are my truth-tellers.
They'll make any bloke spill their deepest and darkest.
I don't think they're much use if there's nothing to tell, but.
We'll see about that.
(PHONE RINGS) - Go for Eddie.
- Hey, where are you? Just trying to get eyes on Dolores.
Looking forward to putting her to bed, boss.
Yeah, you and me both, I'm telling you.
Hey, Ed, you can be as creative as you like on this one, alright? You got it.
OK, give us a bell when it's done.
OK? Copy that.
Actually, boss, while I've got you You know what, don't worry about it.
What, is there something you want to say? No, no.
It's nothing, really.
Hey, hey, hey, you don't need to be shy, son, at this point.
(SIGHS) You don't know Rob Lowe, do you? Rob Rob Lowe? What, the jockey? Rob Lowe is an actor.
Sexiest man alive, apparently.
Sexiest man alive, apparently.
Hang on, where are we? Are we at a bloodied fan club meeting all of a sudden? Nah, the girls thought you might know him, that's all.
Don't blame the bloody girls for your stupid question, son! - Sorry, boss.
- I don't need you to be sorry.
I need you to be ready to hurt some bloody feelings because there's a situation developing, in case you hadn't noticed! Bloody Eddie! Jesus! Foghorn, couldn't you find anything brighter? - Come here! - What? Haven't you ever staked a place out before? No, not really.
Well, it's all about being inconspicuous, yeah? I mean, for starters, you've got to stay low.
Down, down, down, down.
Better.
Now, any sign of her? No.
But I saw the guy who runs my local noodle restaurant duck in for a quickie.
(CHUCKLES) So? So it means you're going to have to find another noodle restaurant, doesn't it? - (LAUGHS) - (SLAP!) Focus, would ya! Stay there.
Now, do not take your eyes off that building.
Copy? Roger, Eddie.
Call me if you see anything.
(GROANS) (BELL RINGS) Whoa Christ on a bike, that was sensational! Nothing religious about it, but I'll have you speaking in tongues in no time.
What, did you do a TAFE course for that? No.
No, you gotta go international.
See, I've trained in Turkey, Thailand, up-and-down Patpong Road, working with the best in the business.
No kidding? - Don't forget the Shaolin monks.
- Mmm! What a trip that was.
Horny buggers.
Ooh.
I bet you got a bunch of yarns.
And don't get me wrong, you know, I'd love to hear 'em, but I really should be bunging on back to the pickle factory.
Nah, relax, Les.
Forget about work.
No, no, no, I really should choof off, you know, I'm sure people might be worried where I am at.
Well, let 'em worry 'cause me and you, we have a busy, busy night ahead of us, don't we? I feel like now is an appropriate time to start with the question and answer sesh, yeah? Yeah, well, I hope it's multiple choice.
No, 'fraid not.
Argh! Question one, where's my sister's body at? Most ladies usually start with comparing favourite movies.
Most ladies haven't had their sister knocked off - by a pack full of gutless fuckwits.
- Argh! What was that thing that you said I needed again? - Uh, closure.
- Exactly.
I need a bit of closure.
Oh, but how am I gonna get it if I don't know where my sister's body is?! I'd love to help you out, but - Mm? - I never met her.
Yeah, you did.
I know you've been to her place for business.
I know that you spoke to her, OK? So it's not too much of a stretch to believe that you had a hand in her murder.
Argh! Whoa, murder? Hold on! Hold on! Where'd you dump the body at? Look, you you, can't get me to say nothing if I really don't know what's going on.
Can't knock your loyalty, Les Norton, but I'm gonna have you spilling your guts like a cheap poker machine.
(BELL RINGS) I'd stop laughing if I was you, spoof bag.
You're next.
Come on, Ray.
I work part-time at best, you know that.
I only work for Pricey when I need some extra cash.
Mate, I couldn't give a stuff about your financial situation and you know as well as I do that hanging outside a brothel without actually going inside, mate, that is deviant behaviour.
OK.
I was meant to be keeping an eye out for you.
Just me? - You or the owner.
- What for? I dunno.
OK.
Tell you what, I'll let it slide this time if you tell me where Doreen Bognor's body is.
I said, mate, I've never heard of her.
That's bullshit, mate.
Surely your mates at the Kelly Club have said something about her.
They don't tell me nothing.
I'm not part of that inner circle.
Really? OK.
- Assume the position.
- Oh, really? Come on, hurry up! Get it over and done with.
Actually, do you mind just getting down a bit lower? It's better on my back.
- (SIGHS) - Thanks, mate.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- What now? What about your new girl? What new girl? Who, Gold? What? Les, he's soft on her.
He might have told her something.
Les? You don't say? Hey, hey, hey! So, can I go? Sorry, Foggy, you know the protocol, mate.
Stay right where you are.
Back in a jiffy.
Where's Gold? Uh, she's not here.
Orgh! I can see that, mate! Where is she? I think she called in sick.
Sick? Today of all days? Great.
Great.
Jerky? No, I'm good.
No, actually, I'm I'm not.
I'm not good.
Thumper knows someone's looking into him.
He bashed someone right in front of me.
Well, that's great.
How is that great? Either it was a threat or he's just bashing innocent cops on a hunch.
Well, both mean that he's rattled.
Yeah, and he's not alone.
This is where you need to calm down and make the next move before he does.
What's that? You go to the Kelly Club, right, and let them know that old mate's off his head and likely to bring them down with him.
Then you make them an offer that only a cop can.
So, do you mean immunity? - For murder? - Why not? You've got to take advantage of the grey areas, Gold.
The grey areas are your friend.
I guess I could I could speak to Les.
It's interesting that your mind went there first but we've got to go to the top.
I can't just rock up and talk to Price.
I mean Georgie! She's the brains behind the business that dumps bodies into concrete.
I don't have evidence to prove that yet.
She doesn't know that.
So use it, and use it today! (PHONE RINGS) Hello? THUMPER: Don't sound sick.
Uh, I I'm not.
I'm, um I'm on my menstrual cycle.
Jesus, Gold! I don't care if you're on a bloody Yamaha 250, alright? - Get your arse in here! - But Look, today is not the day to make me repeat myself.
Now, I know that you've got a special friend at the Kelly Club.
I need you to get in here, you tell me what you and him have been up to, alright? What did I just say about not making me repeat myself? Um Gold, do you want to play with the big boys? - Yep.
- Good.
Then you put your big girl pants on, you get your arse in here because today is fucking game day! Hi.
Um, is this the sexiest man alive? Sexiest man alive? Fine.
Don't need to be so tooshie! If you see him, telling his future is waiting for him in room 2401.
(BOTH GIGGLE) Sorry, I was proper busting, hey? Oh, Billy.
I have to I have to talk to you.
It's really important.
Sure, what's going on? I've just been thinking, um Do you want my cherry? Nah, I'm on a diet.
- Eat it.
- I'm fine.
Eat it or I'll tell Dad.
Billy, we're not on vacation! No shit! No answer.
- How come you're not at your post? - I was taking a whiz.
- Where's Norton? - He's not with you? What? No! Where the hell is he? Well, I thought he was helping us find Rob Lowe? - We can go look for him.
- No way! Billy, back at your post.
With pleasure.
Oh, so if I try and escape, you have to grab me.
Great.
Stop being a freak, Sian.
I'm going to go and look for Les.
And we'll look for Rob Lowe.
I'll be outside.
Hi, is this the sexiest man alive? Whoo.
Hello! Are you still there? Yeah, I'm still here.
Half enjoying myself, to tell you the truth.
You know, I'd advise you to tell me where the body is 'cause things are only going to get worse from here on in.
Even if I knew something, which I don't, can you imagine if I told the lads that I buckled under this kind of interrogation? "Oh, sorry boys.
Yeah, she threatened me with mind-boggling, amazing sex.
" I'd never, ever live that down.
Well, pretty soon you are not going to have much choice, are ya? If you think you can outlast me, you got another thing coming.
'Cause, yeah, I may have been off the tools a little bit, but what I've got, I'll never lose, 'cause I am a rare professional.
I'm what you call a gifted amateur.
This isn't a game, Les, though.
This is strictly business.
Yeah, hi, can I order six avocados? Make it seven! Eight avocados and a snorkel.
Do you have any cobra meat? Great.
Well, bring that too.
You sure you're not going to tell me? I'm having too much fun, darlin'! (PHONE RINGS) What? Is the sexiest man alive there? - Sexiest man alive? - Yeah, I'm looking at him.
Uh, sorry, he's a bit tied up at the moment.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe we found Rob Lowe! I can't believe we're going to meet him! OK, call him back and see if he wants us to bring anything.
The line's engaged.
That's because he doesn't want anybody else to find him.
- Oh, he's waiting for us! - Let's go.
No, I'm calling you back because clearly you didn't call me back.
They're just trying to get him out of a meeting.
Here, give it here.
I'll take care of it.
Good morning, it's Price Galese here.
Can you put me through to the Premier please? Excuse me? Well, I've called the direct line, so obviously he knows who I am.
Yeah, OK, you do that.
What's this guy playing at? Hello? Hey, are you new? Because the Premier is a close personal friend of mine.
Yeah, it's about a very serious problem.
There's a senior police sergeant who's endangering the public.
Hey, mate, could you just go to the Premier and tell him it's Price Galese.
Look, I'm doing you a favour, I tell you, 'cause if he finds out that Prick.
You know the Premier? I've paid for the crowns on every single one of his smarmy little teeth.
(BULLETS CLATTER) Now, does he seriously think that I'm not going to go and find him and get them back, one by one? - Should we 'ava' go? - (BELL RINGS) Ooh Ooh Get up! Daddy just called and said that we have to go down to room 2310.
Back inside now! Mum just got hit by a train! Oh, Billy, you're going to be so excited.
- Oh, really? - Dad just called.
Sian wouldn't want me to tell you this - He got bit by a dog.
- She shat the bed.
- Now he has rabies.
- It's all fallen into everywhere.
- Inside now! - Mmm! OK, just shhhh.
Pia just got her period and it's just, like, a mess.
- Rob Lowe is right underneath us! - He's right there! - He's right there! - There! I think that might be the worst one yet! (PHONE RINGS) Hello? Price? Oh, it's you.
Hey, um, what's with all the hide-and-seek? - What are you on about? - Yeah, I know something's up.
Well, yeah, we're going to lose the election.
No, I'm not talking about that, you gutless mongrel.
Why won't the Premier talk to me? - How would I know? - Hey, no, no, no.
Don't go calling on someone who's funding your beachside retirement 'cause I can take it all back and leave you with nothing but scars as souvenirs.
Now, listen up, would ya? Thumper's, er Thumper's lost the plot.
- He needs to be taken out.
- Jesus Christ! I'm not exactly in the same position I was before.
What position is that? Tides have turned, mate.
You should know that.
Oh, you've got bloody rock-solid balls to be telling me that while you're still in the country.
I'm doing you a favour even talking to you.
What, do you seriously think you can just walk away from our arrangement? 'Cause you'll be lucky to bloody walk at all by the time I finish with you.
You and the Premier will need matching fucking wheelchairs! God, is there anyone around here who's left with a bloody backbone? Foghorn's gone.
What? Word is Thumper's on a rampage and he's got him and a lot of other blokes.
He's looking for where we stashed Doreen.
- What does Foghorn know? - Nothing.
He barely knows his last name.
The only other person that knows anything is Les.
Yeah, well, he's at the Selebo.
As far as we know.
What does that mean? Look, come on, Edward, spit it out! He left to get coffee and he never came back.
- When was that? - I don't know.
A few hours ago.
Why am I just hearing about it now, then? We figured he'd come back.
Well, you figured wrong, didn't you? What if bloody Thumper's got a hold of him? Les wouldn't talk.
Believe me, everyone's got their bloody breaking point.
(MUTTERS) God's sake.
Oh, I'll find the copper top meself.
(PHONE RINGS) LOZZA: Hi.
You've reached Lauren and Les.
And we're not at home.
Leave a message.
We're here to find Les, not rip the place off! You might want to hear this, boss.
(BEEP!) RECORDING: Hey, Loz.
Phil here.
Whoo, what a night! Just wanted to thank you for proving that the male G-spot is not a myth after all.
- Sorry, boss, not that.
- (TAPE FAST-FORWARDS) (BEEP!) Paging Mr Les Norton, a Mr Les Norton.
Permission granted to stop bludging and return to Dirra.
I repeat, permission granted to return to Dirra.
Yeah, mate, Bevan's out of his coma and copped to falling off the balcony all by himself, so you're in the clear, boy.
Time to get your arse back up here.
And, listen, eh, pick up a slab on the way through too, would ya? - Cop you later, brother.
- (BEEP!) So instead of looking after my girls, Norton's done a fucking runner.
- Well, we don't know that, boss.
- Oh, don't we? You treat someone like family and then you get this.
There's got to be an explanation.
You take someone in as your own and what do you get? You get a traitor, Eddie, a fucking traitor.
- Where to, boss? - Just drive.
No worries.
NARRATOR: So while Price's castle was crumbling down around him, back at the club, Georgie was also under siege (INTERCOM BEEPS) from an altogether different foe.
EMILY: Is this a bad time? I don't know.
Is it? Doesn't have to be.
I'm kind of busy right now, so did you have a question? More of a problem, really, and you seem like a good problem solver.
It's about Doreen Bognor.
What about her? Well, since she disappeared, I've stumbled on a whole raft of coincidences that all seem to lead back here.
She disappeared the same night Price's Rolls copped a parking fine, right by his new handball court.
But you knew that already.
Making a site visit's not unusual.
True.
Neither is laying concrete footings, unless it's at 2:00am and there's a brothel madam inside.
Bit sloppy for a bunch of pros, isn't it? If you had anything concrete on my boss, pardon the pun, you wouldn't be standing here right now.
Maybe it's not your boss I'm after.
You see where I'm going with this? I wouldn't really be that interested in all of this if, uh, there was something more compelling I could get my hands on.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Really? 'Cause I don't want to bullshit you.
I don't want to throw around words like immunity unless I know what else is on the table.
Now, maybe there's not that much I can do for Price and Eddie.
But, um there's no reason why you should go down with them.
What about Les? What about him? This is, um not about Les.
This is about you.
Maybe you're just a bookkeeper.
No disrespect.
All I'm saying is you must keep very thorough records, right? Pays to be organised.
Because you never know when something might come in handy.
Look, this is a one-time offer.
Today only.
(BELL RINGS) (SIGHS) That thoroughbred's pushing me to my limits.
What do they feed those country boys? Time to shut it down, boss.
Time for the Parisian pop.
Do you know how long it's been since I last did that? No no, I think you should just go and grab Price's daughters again.
Don't doubt yourself now.
One more round.
For Doreen.
Yeah.
Yeah, let's let's grab the bubbles.
Let's do it.
Parisian pop.
You got this.
(BELL RINGS) So - Think you're a stayer? - Yeah.
Think you can outlast me, motherfucker? Tell me where my sister's body's at.
French champagne? Wouldn't let my dog drink it.
We're not going to drink it, dipshit.
What if we never get to meet him? Our near-death experience will be for nothing.
(POP!) (LES AND DOLORES MOAN) LES: Christ, that's fizzy! (LES AND DOLORES MOAN) - Do you think that's him? - Are you kidding? What else would the sexiest man alive be doing but having a champagne-fuelled sex orgy? Oh, my PRICE: Yeah, you can just stop and let me out.
(GROANS) (VACUUM WHIRRS) Hey.
(VACUUM STOPS) Are you here for confessional, my son? I was here for some peace and quiet.
Ah.
Oh, I'll leave you to your solitude then.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
Go on, walk away.
Walk away, just like everybody else.
(VACUUM WHIRRS) (VACUUM STOPS) I'm sorry.
No, no, no, no, everybody's just doing their bloody job.
- Yep.
- Pardon? I said everyone's just you know, we're all just I'm just - Oh, boy.
- Why bother climbing the mountain? What, to look out over all the people who abandoned me? Climb every mountain, ford every stream.
Mmm.
God, all those people.
All these people coming in and out of me club, they're having a wonderful time.
Where are they now? You know, I've spent my life lookin' after people.
What do I get for it in return? I get betrayal, I get abandonment.
Where's the bloody loyalty, hey? You feel you have no loyalty around you? Yeah, well, if I do, I don't know where it is.
Loyalty is founded from love, and love only comes if we open our hearts to it.
To be without love is to be as a resounding gong.
Love? Love.
Yeah.
(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES) Jeez, you're a real dark horse, aren't you, Probationary Constable? Or should I be calling you something else? I mean, this is some really thorough work you've done here.
Thanks, Sarge.
And all in your own spare time, eh? Just trying to earn my stripes.
Yeah, very noble.
About as noble as you standing guard while I beat one of your colleagues to death, just about, eh? Sure you, um sure you had your reasons.
Really? Well, that's some stone cold shit there, Gold.
Um, you know, I I was actually going to show you all of this, I just wanted to make sure that it was all, um, in order before I wasted your time.
- Oh, is that right? - Yep.
Um, I've actually got some more in the car, if you want me to You know, it's funny.
I just popped in for visit because I was worried that maybe you'd keeled over or something, you know? No, no, I'm a very modern man, Gold.
I even know how to make a hot water bottle.
So you can imagine my surprise when you weren't even bloody here.
Uh, I After all I've done for you, you just go scurrying around behind my back.
Now, I admit, I never picked you for a doorman fucker, but I know I got one thing right.
You're not a real cop.
Takes one to know one.
Nah.
No, no, no, we're nothing alike.
You You are pure vermin.
Oh! (GRUNTS) You have no idea how skilled I am at pest control.
(GROANS, SPLUTTERS) Oh, Christ! Oh! Get up! Get up, Gold! Get up, for Christ's sake! Argh! Argh! Orgh! You're a dead man, Gold.
I know what you are! Come here, Gold! Gold! Oh! (COUGHS) Gold, you bastard! (LAUGHS) NARRATOR: Now, Les knew the human body was made up of about 60% water, but he didn't know until today that the rest was champagne and secrets.
And although he wasn't one to spill, he was in no state to control what was bubbling to the surface.
Oh, don't you "calm down" me, you thieving sack of shit.
Looking for some ladies, are you? They do front door, back door, side door.
(WOMEN SCREAM) Gotta to be at least 20 feet deep in there.
Les! Les, are you still with me? Look, you're probably feeling things right now that you never thought you'd feel before.
And that's totally normal, and you're probably feeling like you want to say things to me that you never thought you would say out loud.
It's OK, that's also normal.
See, I know I'm the best you've ever had.
But you can talk to me, Les, OK? You can tell me.
Where's my sister's body at? - (MUMBLES) - Mm? I've had better.
Right! That's it! We're out.
I guess this time we're going dry.
Ah, no, no, no, nahh She's in Bondi! Under Price's handball court.
But I I didn't have anything to do with it.
Arthit! He's done.
Shame we have to kill him.
Yeah, well, after what you did to those Thai blokes, we can't exactly take the risk.
- Oh, I'll be no hassle? - Hm.
I promise, I'm I'm not even sticking around Sydney long enough anyways.
Seem pretty settled in.
Sydney, this place, it gets you hooked.
OK, I'll give you one last request.
I'm not a total barbarian.
What'll it be? Er I suppose a XXXX is out of the question? I mean, I feel like we could manage that.
Arthit, oh Go get him a sixpack, will ya? I'm so gruddy, I'm going to have a shower.
And then we'll just sort him out later? Yeah.
Do you believe in reincarnation? Because I bet you a lobster you'd come back as a stallion.
(LIFT BELL PINGS) (DOORS SLIDE OPEN) Girls? Hello? Finally.
Fudge! Ooh Argh! - Sorry.
- 'Scuse us! Shit.
Come here.
Shit.
Far out, mate.
Hey! Come here! Yes.
- Come on, quick.
- Coming, coming.
BOTH: Les? (GROANS) What the hell are you two doing? Les? Norton.
You're alright, mate.
Ah Just hang in there, brother.
I can't believe Rob Lowe would do this to you.
- Do you reckon he's still in there? - Let the poor bugger be! Champagne Champagne Champagne! You're alright, brother.
Just hang in there, eh? (LES MOANS) You're alright, Les, you're alright.
But I can't risk saying anything, can I? Look, you know, I could have read it all wrong, but when she said When she said, "We can work through anything together", did she mean "together" together or just work together at work? And there was that time there was that time that she looked at me and I couldn't work out whether she was giving me the "look" look or if it was just a look.
Like, it could have been the "look" look.
Like, how're you supposed to tell the difference? Uh, signals can be difficult to read.
So, I said to her, I said, "What're you looking at?" And she said, "You.
" Now, did she mean "you" you, or, "I'm just looking at you?" 'Cause she was, she was, she was looking she was looking at me.
Sorry to interrupt, Father, but can I just have the boss for a second? Hey, Ed Edward, we're working through something here.
Oh, there's no harm done.
Sorry, boss, I just thought you'd want to know straightaway.
Mm, what is it? We found Les.
LES: I'm really sorry, boss.
I tried.
I I let you down.
Let all of youse down.
NARRATOR: To see Les sitting there with his manhood rubbed red raw, and knowing that he'd ever doubted his loyalty, had Price feeling lower than a landmine.
(GURGLING) (FARTS, GROANS) (GROANS) You you right, son? Must be the champagne talking.
I'm sorry, boss.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
No, no more apologising, son.
You know, you clearly held out longer than can be expected of any bloody great man.
And I tell you, Les, even though you copped it, son, we all felt it, we all felt it.
But, you know, she's blown her wad, and yet, here we are, we're all still here, we're all still here in this place, in our place, where we always manage to turn things around.
Yeah.
You know, that pest, she's tried to put a dent in a few of us now.
She's come after my family.
Both my families.
She's made it personal.
Well, I tell you, she'll soon learn that you threaten my daughters, you try some freaky shit out on my door man, oh, my God, if you try to topple me, you'll spend the rest of your days as bloody fertiliser on every rose garden from here to Watsons Bay.
If she's even alive tomorrow, I tell you, we'll find her and we will fuck her over! I'm sorry, Les.
Ah, it's all good, boss.
You hear that? Hear that? His old fella's ground to dust and he's still got his optimism.
That's why she's got nothing on us, I tell you.
Nothing.
Who cares if she knows where the bloody body's buried? Get in line, sweetheart, this is Sydney.
And who's going to believe her, anyway, eh? Bloody look like a set-up.
Why would Price Galese even know the bloody likes of the Bognor tarts? Why would Price Galese want to rot the foundations of his own bloody handball court with that gene pool? Yeah, good luck trying to frame Price Galese, you little turds, 'cause there's no evidence, is there? There's nothing to tie me to it.
There's nothing to link any of us to it.
There's nothing to pin that bloody low-life corpse to anywhere near this place.
Uh boss? LES: It's a two-horse race, it's us verse them.
Now, they're odds-on favourites at this point, but any punter worth their salt will tell you a two-horse race can go one of two ways.
This is 1985, old man.
You're the past and I'm the bloody beautiful future.
We just gotta get to Doreen's body before they do.
If I wanted a line I would've done one in the car.
I'm not going to wait in this line 'cause I'm a cop.
Cops are tops.
Fuck off, the rest of you! It's time for the Gecko.
Met him back in 'Nam in '69.
A decade of opium dens, Agent Orange, napalm sunsets.
Can you imagine? Weapons grade C-4, straight out of Chechnya.
You're not planning on doing this right now, today, are you? - War is hell.
- Murder's murder.
It's too late to get cold feet now, soldier.