Living Biblically (2018) s01e09 Episode Script

1 So I was playing Monopoly with Vince and Leslie, right? I was the thimble.
Anyway, they started calling me names like "Jack Be Thimble" and "Justin Thimble-lake" and "Thim Belushi.
" - Chip.
Fast-forward, buddy.
- Okay.
They just made me so mad that I needed to beat them, so I cheated.
Say a Hail Mary and do not pass "Go" You okay? You seem upset.
Is this 'cause I just tooted? It's not.
Though I'm sure it will be once it hits my side.
And there it is.
You know what? Say two Hail Marys.
It's just that I've been guiding you pretty much full-time on your living-by-the-Bible journey and, frankly, I'm not getting - a lot of respect in return.
- What? You were asleep during my sermon on Sunday.
You noticed that, huh? Yeah.
You came for the 9:30 Mass and were passed out through the 10:45 and the noon.
So, I was at three Masses and I'm still in trouble? Sorry, Gene.
It's just that it's the same every week, you know? Stand, sit, kneel.
Stand, sit, kneel.
"Peace be with you.
" "Father, Son, Holy Spirit.
" Cracker, wine, out.
I-I hope you're not taking it personally.
Gene? Gene? Doesn't feel great, does it? Chip.
Leslie.
Love the hat, Vince.
Guess we can call off that search for Carmen Sandiego.
What are you wearing that for? Did Bruno Mars have a garage sale? No, my Aunt Estelle has been begging me to get my ass to church, so I'm going Sunday.
I got this hat 'cause I got to look fly.
I'm trying to walk in there looking like Steve Harvey.
Survey says: sexy.
Wh-What's with all the frills? Is it so God notices you? God? No, I'm trying to get noticed by the church cuties.
Those are the best kind, man.
You got to put in some time, a lot of time.
But they're worth it.
They're not so churchy when you get them home.
Oh.
I got you.
I got you.
"Babe in the streets", "Babe 2: Pig in the City" in the sheets, huh? What about me made you think I would get that reference? Hey, you know what? My Bible journey's been pretty one-note Catholic thus far.
You think it'd be cool if I came to check out your aunt's church? - Sure, love to have you.
- All right.
Ooh.
Does your church have a gospel choir? Does this hat make me look super cool? The answer's yes.
Then I am in.
What? You never come with me to Gene's church.
Gene's church doesn't have a gospel choir.
It's all organ, all the time.
It's, like, who does the music there? The Phantom of the Opera? Okay, hey, hey, hey, look, Mrs.
Hooper's face-lift might have gone horribly wrong, but she can still rock those keys.
We will be there.
- Love it.
It's gonna be fun.
- Yeah.
Okay, with that hat, you got to show us a little of your Michael Jackson.
No.
I'm not in the mood to dance like Ah, there's the gospel choir.
Think they take requests? Only from God.
But don't worry, he's an excellent DJ.
Who are these beautiful new faces, Vince? Wow.
Beautiful, huh? Gene never calls me beautiful.
Chip, Leslie, this is Pastor Berry.
He is the man.
Welcome, Sister Leslie.
- How you doing? Nice to meet you.
- A handshake? Why don't you just slap me in the face? This is hug country.
Welcome, brother.
Oh.
Hey-hey, all right.
You hear that? - I'm a brother.
- Take it easy.
Vincent! Baby! Oh! I am so happy to see you.
How long has it been since you came to church? I don't know, Aunt Estelle.
Who keeps track? I'll tell you exactly how long it's been.
Nine months, three weeks and six days.
Oh, nice hat.
- May I see it for a moment? - Yeah, look at that.
No nephew of mine is gonna be wearing a hat in church! You look like a pimp.
That's the look I was going for.
Chip, Leslie, this is my Aunt Estelle.
She basically raised me.
And more importantly, she keeps mints from the Chinese restaurant in her purse.
- Ah! - Oh, Leslie.
Help me go set up the bake sale table, so we can push a couple of snickerdoodles.
You better eat a couple, too.
Put a little jiggle in your wiggle.
Chip won't mind.
So, if I want full immersion in the Baptist church experience, where should we sit? Uh, wherever she's sitting.
You better warn Leslie.
My aunt's gonna try to convert her.
Starts with a bake sale, ends with a baptism.
That's how she does it.
Vincent told me about Chip's Bible column.
- What church do you go to? - Oh, I don't go to church.
It's not a big deal; I just didn't grow up religious.
Leslie, honey, who were your parents? You need to find Jesus.
Oh.
I didn't know he was lost.
Was that a joke? Because it wasn't funny.
Hey, um, do you know when the choir starts? Oh, so you like the choir? Well, I am in the choir.
Perhaps I can introduce you to our director.
You know what his name is? Jesus.
There are some new faces here today.
And they're some good faces.
- Amen! - Amen.
Everyone, please give a warm welcome to Sister Leslie and Brother Chip.
Oh.
That's really nice.
Thank you.
All right.
Hey, uh, can I get an amen? Amen.
I said, can I get an amen?! Amen.
Can I get a sit down? Sit down.
Hi, I'm Vince.
Nice to meet you, Vince.
You hear what she said? Ah, you mean, "Nice to meet you"? Yup.
For a church cutie, that's like third base.
Stand up, stand up for Jesus Ye soldiers of the cross - Amen! - Lift high his royal banner It must not suffer loss - From victory unto victory - Vince! I'm whoo-ing in church.
Now, if the Holy Spirit is putting twitches in your britches and ants in your pants, get up and dance! What? We can dance, too? I was happy just whoo-ing.
Okay! Lift high his royal banner It must not suffer loss Amen! Uh-oh.
Vince, I think the Spirit's moving me to do the robot.
And Christ is Lord indeed - Stand up, stand up for Jesus - Amen! Ye soldiers of the I'm telling you, Gil, Vince's church was so much fun.
I'm going again next Sunday.
Well, that sure does sound like fun.
I wouldn't know, as I haven't yet been asked to attend.
Well, come on down.
You're not gonna dance, are you? What? You don't want to see, uh, any of my sweet moves, huh? No, you're right.
I shouldn't dance.
But you're a rabbi.
Won't you? Burst into flames as I walk in? No, I was gonna say feel awkward.
No, I feel awkward everywhere.
Remember the dance I did a second ago? Yeah.
No, I-I'm a scholar of all religions.
I'll be there.
Well, I'm definitely going back next week.
I'm gonna ask that church cutie to dinner.
Then six or seven short months later, church cutie sleepover at Vince's place.
Hey, guys! - Hey, hey.
- Hey.
Ah, Chip.
Missed you at church this morning.
- Where were you? - Yeah.
I, uh, I went to Vince's church.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Gene, what's up? You run out of batteries? Another church, huh? Yeah.
Um, is that cool? Yeah.
Of course it's cool.
Yeah.
Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.
- Cool, cool, cool.
- Yeah.
Oh, cool.
All right, well, 'cause I-I'm going back next Sunday.
Kewl.
I shouldn't care that Chip is going back to that church.
I'm not supposed to feel jealousy; I'm a priest.
You're also human and this is normal.
I mean, uh, you've been with Chip since he started doing this whole thing, and a lot's changed since then.
I've lost, like, 50 pounds, not that anyone ever mentions it.
When I do tell you you've lost weight, you say, "What, I was fat before?" Can't win with you.
So I was fat before, is that what you're saying? I guess I'm just a little insecure.
Yeah, I'm a lot insecure.
You just called me fat.
I mean, Catholic Mass has largely been the same for hundreds of years.
Do you know how many people I've lost to more modern churches? Some of them give away swag bags.
You're going to church, not the Oscars.
It's disgraceful.
What's in the bags, like, little chocolates? It's disgraceful.
I'm turning bread and wine into the body and blood of Christ.
I'm doing a magic show up there.
Look, he'll come back to you, man, you know.
He's like a golden retriever.
He's loyal, he's got a gorgeous head of hair, and he's a little dumb.
Hey, don't worry about being like any other church.
Just be you.
Not sure that's gonna be enough.
This is where you're supposed to say, "It is gonna be enough" Oh, all right, I'm sorry.
Yes, you're Uh, it is gonna be What? - What did you want me to say? - Enough! All right, I'm just trying to help.
Vincent! Two weeks in a row! Oh, you get yourself a purse mint, baby.
And, Leslie, dear.
I am so glad you came back.
You know who else came back? Jesus.
You are relentless, Estelle.
Can I help you set up the bake sale table? Do you know who else was good at setting up tables? Let me guess: Jesus? No.
My Uncle Ned.
But since you bring up Jesus - Oh, oh.
Thank you.
- Whoa.
Oh, all right.
Hey.
Good morning.
All right.
What a very welcoming church.
That was a better hug than I got from my wife at our wedding.
Folks.
Gil, you talk to Gene Machine today? He seemed a little weird about me coming here.
Ah.
You picked up on that.
Well, look-look.
It's a delicate situation, but he'll be fine, trust me.
I've known Gene a long time.
Put it this way, we met at a barbershop.
Folks.
Yeah, you're allowed to see other churches.
You're Gucci.
"Gucci" means good, Chip.
Oh.
Thank you.
Yeah, you're right, I got to stop feeling guilty and just enjoy myself.
I'm gonna ask the pastor if I can do another, "Can I get an amen?" Oh, have you tried one of these? It is very Gucci.
Vince, this is a beautiful place of worship.
A lot less Jews than I'm used to, but I can work with it.
Leslie said the music's dynamite.
Any favorite hymns? I'm not here for hymns.
I'm here for hers.
Specifically, that her.
You know, uh, I'm newly single myself.
I'm a bit rusty.
What's your opening line? Hi, I'm Vince.
Nice.
Direct.
That might really work for me.
Hi, I'm Vince.
I'm having a lovely time hanging out here on Earth with you, Leslie.
Be a shame if I couldn't hang out with you in heaven, too.
Oh, no.
You're not gonna kill me, are you? No! But someday God will.
I just want you to end up playing harp with the angels, and not sizzling on Lucifer's eternal barbecue pit.
Estelle, you are the best, but don't waste your time trying to convert me.
I'm just never gonna get there.
Okay, honey.
One never knows.
God works in mysterious ways.
And so does Aunt Estelle.
What? Huh? I'm a crime reporter.
You read about the guy that stabbed three people at the party in Bayside? That was me.
No, no, no.
I mean, I wrote it.
I didn't stab 'em.
Well, it was a swing and a miss for me with the young lady over yonder.
It's like no one's ever seen a rabbi in a Baptist church before.
How's it going with this one? Gil, seriously? I-I'm sorry, I don't mean to blow up, uh, anybody's, uh, spot.
No, Vince is great.
Uh, you know, I'm-I'm going through a divorce, and he's helping me get back on my feet.
Aw, Vince, that's so nice.
I like nice guys.
Do you, now? Well, then it might also interest you to know that I'm teaching Gil how to read.
That's right.
I'm quite illiterate.
And I'm also blind.
Sweet man.
Sweet, sweet man.
Good morning, brothers and sisters.
Take your seats, and make sure your cell phones are off, because God is not calling you here.
He's calling you right here.
Guys! Come on, it's starting! God's cell phone plan has unlimited minutes.
Can he hear you now? You bet he can! Can I get a amen? Amen! Yes.
I just love it, every time.
Any new faces with us today? How about you in the back? Stand up and be recognized, brother.
No, thank you.
Please, stand up.
We're a family here.
Hello.
Father Gene? What are you doing here? I don't want to talk about this right now, Chip.
Well, I-I think we should talk about this right now.
- Can I get an amen? - Oh, no, you cannot.
Only I ask for the amens.
- Can I get a amen? - Amen! See? What are you doing here? I thought you said everything was "kewl.
" I wanted to see what you thought was so great about this place.
Now I get it.
It's fun, exciting.
Oh I mean, that's hard to argue with.
And I'm happy you're-you're growing in your faith and getting some different perspectives.
But I got to admit, I was a little jealous.
You were? About me? Well, I'm flattered.
I always thought you just thought of me as a nuisance.
- Oh, I do.
- Oh.
Huge nuisance.
But a lot of my friends are nuisances.
You've met Gil.
Did you just say I was your friend? Well, yeah, of course.
I didn't realize I had to say it.
Wow.
You're my friend, too, Gene.
I know.
You don't have to say it.
Look, this church is great, okay? But it is missing the most important thing, and that's you.
All right? And you coming down here all stalker style really reminded me of that.
I appreciate that, but I wasn't stalking you.
I just followed you, hid, and watched you.
That's stalking, Gene.
I'm glad we met.
I moved here last year, and it's been impossible to meet nice guys.
Want to get lunch after this? That'd be nice.
Like me.
Vincent! Nice to see you catching up with Tracy.
Hi, Aunt Estelle.
Why you call her "Aunt Estelle"? That's my Aunt Estelle.
I'm both your Aunt Estelle.
What? Y'all are second cousins.
What?! You'd know that if you came to church more than every nine months, three weeks and six days.
You're my cousin? Ugh.
I don't think a "ugh" is necessary.
But yeah, ugh.
Tracy.
Might I throw my hat in the ring? I mean, I can't offer much, but I can virtually guarantee we're not related.
- Stay away from my cousin, Gil.
- All right.
Hey.
You seen Leslie? I can't find her anywhere.
Aunt Estelle figured out a way to keep her around a little longer.
Every time I feel the spirit Moving in my heart I will pray Every time I feel the spirit Moving in my heart I will pray Yes, every time I feel the spirit Moving in my heart I will pray Yes, every time I feel the spirit Moving in my heart I will pray.
Ay As Matthew tells us in his Gospel, it is a foolish man who builds his house on sand, but it is the wise man who builds it on rock! Yeah! I'm wide-awake now, baby! Father Hendrix, ladies and gentlemen! You know what? This doesn't feel right.
Open your hymnals.