Lopez vs. Lopez (2022) s01e09 Episode Script

1
Wow. This place is so clean.
I just I I want
everything to be perfect
before my dad gets here.
I did the living room, the kitchen.
I gave Churro a bath.
- There's only one mess left to clean up.
- Hey.
Do I got a KitKat
wrapper stuck to my back?
I've been trying to get it for an hour.
- Get
- Can one of you guys grab it?
Ay, whoa, whoa. Hey.
I haven't licked the chocolate off yet.
Hey.
George, why why don't we, uh
Why don't we get you a
shower, a fresh shirt,
maybe a clean shave?
Why you talkin' like a prostitute
from the Old West?
Quinten's dad, Sam, is
gonna be here any minute.
When you meet him, it'd be nice
if you didn't look like
a movie theater floor.
Oh, what is that? A casserole?
That smells like a hot nothing.
Bland is my dad's favorite flavor.
Yeah, then he must really love you.
Oh, oh. Hey, George?
Okay, I got one favor to ask you.
I really want my dad to
see how well we're doing,
so please do not make fun of me.
I'll show you all the
respect you deserve,
Chef White Boyardee.
Okay.
Hey, Daddy!
I must be at the wrong house.
This kid is too big to be my son. Ah.
- Aw.
- Oh, so good to see you, dear.
- Oh, I got your text yesterday.
- Mm-hmm.
It was so good to hear
that the Dalmatian pulled through.
It did, but it was spotty for a second.
I set 'em up
And I pun 'em down. Pew, pew!
- Dream team.
- Yeah.
You know, maybe being gone ten years
wasn't long enough.
Wait, wait, wait. Not so fast.
I wouldn't be Bismarck's
number one Chevrolet car salesman
if I let people walk away.
I got ya a little gift.
Ah. Mm-hmm.
"World's Best Grandpa."
And I got a matching one
because it takes a village
Of Grandpas.
Oh.
Well, that that shirt's
a little bit awkward
because we're not sure
that you're Chance's grandfather.
What are you saying?
- George
- Yeah.
There's a chance that Quinten
might not be Chance's father.
- Look
- Oh.
In that boy's eyes, you
are still his father.
No, Chance is definitely Quinten's son.
- Yeah. No, this is
- it's just a little inside joke
that George likes to make.
No, I tell it outside too.
I asked you not to make fun of me.
Yes, you did. And I ignored you.
Dream team.
Son, that casserole was delicious.
You could barely taste it at all.
Ay, thank God I keep a packet of Tapatío
- in my bra.
- Oh.
How are you finding the time to cook
and do your job at the Apple Store?
Well, Mayan works late,
so I switched to part-time.
So now I have time to
pick Chance up from school,
tidy up the house, cook
before she gets home.
You raised a nice wife
for my daughter, Sam.
Oh, I almost forgot.
Uh, I got something really
special for you, champ.
Huh? Ready?
- Wow.
- Sweet!
I love a grandpa who gives me gifts.
I got you a keychain from 7-Eleven.
I don't own keys, fool!
Let's take this baby for a spin.
Yeah.
Wait. Did you finish your homework?
- Don't you have a poster to make?
- Done.
This was five minutes of my life
I will never get back.
Let me see that. Ay.
This poster, it's so messy.
"My name is Chance."
He misspelled his own name?
- No, je just wrote the "N" backwards.
- Why?
Is he trying to get
a job at Toys "R" Us?
You're gonna make him redo this, right?
No. His grandpa's in town.
And I'm not the
homework police like you.
I'm not the homework police.
I just think you need
to lock him in his room
until he does a better job.
Thank you so much for
a lovely evening, fam.
And and you can put your
apron on a hook, son,
because tomorrow I'm taking
everyone to the Sizzlers!
- Yes.
- Okay, moneybags.
Well, it's getting late,
so I'm just gonna call
a taxi for the hotel.
Oh, no, no, no. Daddy, you can't leave
without checkin' out my compost heap.
- I got the fattest worms on the block.
- I don't know
any of the other worms on the block,
so I have no way of confirming that.
You are not gonna stay at a hotel.
You're family. You belong here.
Dad, you can sleep at Oscar's place.
George, George, I
would never do anything
to displace you, especially after
all the hardships you've been through.
What do you mean?
Well, you know, the
financial difficulties,
losing your home, and the infidelity.
And the recent hemorrhoid flare-up.
Not that that's any of your business,
but, you know, all of
those things have improved.
Well, most of those things.
That's the last time I
let Sam sleep in that room.
You should see what he did to it.
Did he throw out your
secret hot dog stash?
No, he made the bed
and he put this jar of
fancy mustard on my pillow.
It's his way of saying thank you.
I think it's his way of
saying he's better than me.
Not surprising after you told him
all my personal stuff.
Okay, maybe I confided in him
over the years, but with you gone,
he was the closest
thing I had to a father.
Well, Mayan, now I'm the closest thing
you have to a father, okay?
So he knows all this stuff about me.
I want to know about his dirty laundry.
Yeah, he doesn't have any.
He does laundry every day.
I am not his favorite thing
that is white and delicate.
Now, can we please move past this
so we can keep having
a nice family weekend?
It would really mean
a lot to me, George.
I bet it would.
Wh does that mean he'll do it?
I don't want to lie to you
so I'm gonna go to the kitchen.
What happened to your poster?
Ask your mother.
I spilled my tea. It was an accident.
I was an accident.
Chance was an accident.
This was not an accident.
I guess you'll have to do it over.
I could do that,
or I'll do a few dashes to a big "X."
Boom! Now it's a pirate map!
Hey, look at that
creative problem-solving.
- Good job, matey.
- Argh!
Aw, you're right.
It does look like a pirate map.
Now, to make it more authentic,
we should burn the edges.
Nope!
Clever, Nana, but not clever enough.
And the whole family thinks
this Sam guy is perfect.
Everybody has flaws, man.
That dude's gotta be hiding something.
So I'm gonna find out Sam's secrets.
That's why I'ma set up a honey trap.
Oh, is that like Winnie-the-Pooh-ing
where you just walk around
with a shirt and nothing on the bottom?
No.
It's where you try to tempt somebody
by luring them to do bad things, hmm?
I'm gonna tempt him with
stuff no white man can resist.
It ain't gonna be a honey trap.
It's gonna be something
like a potat-er trap.
- How's the movie?
- It's a football game.
Be better if we had beers.
Comin' right up, Daddies.
Damn leaf blower's so loud.
It's that gardener.
Want to tell him to turn it down?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.
Lo siento, Mr. George.
Look at this guy. Can you believe him?
Probably not even legal,
Sam. We should call ICE.
No. I'm a sanctuary city man.
I admire the pride you take in your work
even while making minimum wage
a measly 15 bucks an hour.
15 bucks an hour?
That's how much you pay me per day!
All right, well, George
says get out of here.
Vamanos.
Ay.
All right. This has got to work.
I'm gonna text Sam
pretending to be a hot lady.
"Hey, big guy.
"Saw your pics, and
I think you're hot AF.
Want to meet up?"
And then we send a
picture of her hot pocket.
You want me to find some
pictures on the internet?
No. That'll take too much time.
Let me see your elbow.
How does that look?
It looks hairy, but
he probably hit puberty in the
'70s, so he'd probably like it.
Squeeze it together closer.
Make love to the camera. Make love.
Make love.
It's a summer day. You're
living your best life.
Have fun. Have fun!
You're happy.
You're walking through the park.
You're living on your
own. You're in New York.
- It's
- Hey, guys.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I j I wanted to say
I appreciate you've been
spending time with my dad.
And I have noticed
that you have been cracking
fewer jokes at my expense.
- So thank you.
- Yeah.
Well, I'm sorry I'm slacking.
I'll get right back on
that, Flavorless Flav.
- Sam responded.
- Oh.
"I'm sorry, but I'm married.
But I hope that you find a
fulfilling relationship too."
This guy's disgusting.
I think it's interesting
that you let Chance
come to dinner and play silly games
instead of redoing his poster.
Silly? If he gets the
zucchini out of the maze,
we get $1 off dessert.
Oscar, I am so glad
you could take time off
from your busy gardening schedule
to join us for dinner.
- Gardening?
- He's a gardener now.
Well, we got a lot of good food.
We got a lot of good martinis.
There is something about the Sizzlers
that brings out the best in humanity.
Can you believe how
much Sam is drinking?
This isn't even the Sizzlers.
- I think we found his vice.
- He's an alcoholic.
Damn it. It just makes me like him.
I would like to make a toast.
Nothing makes me a prouder papa
than when I see the amazing life
that you have built for you
and your beautiful family.
I am so impressed
by all of your accomplishments
and your hard work.
To Mayan.
Oh
- To Mayan.
- Oh, wow.
To Mayan!
I did that.
When my family is
successful, I'm successful.
That's one way of measuring it.
You can also measure it in compost.
Yeah, I trained my worms
to eat coffee filters,
and they got thick.
It's a big week for
the Lopez-Van Bryans.
Yeah.
Thanks for inviting me.
You know, I always wanted
to turn my Chevy van into a mancave,
but my wife keeps just
wanting to use it for sex.
Your wife still wants
to have sex with you?
Damn. You're cool.
Man, sex is the best.
Me and my elbows used
this place last night.
I gotta admit, Sam,
when I first met you,
I was jealous, man,
'cause I can't compete with you.
No, no, no, no, there is one area
where you you got me beat.
Look at your daughter
compared with my son.
What do you mean?
I mean, Mayan is ambitious.
She's successful.
Quinten is weak.
He's soft.
He had a kid when he was too young.
He's in a dead-end job. He is
a massive disappointment.
Wow, man. And I just
call him Sadly Cooper.
We found his dirty secret.
Yeah, he's a judgmental jerk
who talks trash about
his son behind his back.
No. No panty lines.
He doesn't wear underwear.
That's why he doesn't
have any dirty laundry.
Hey, Quinten, I think there's something
- you should know about your dad.
- One second, George.
Yeah, it's not broken, Gordo.
You just got a flat tire.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah.
You just gotta put a little air in it.
Ready?
Oh! Did you drive this in some dog poop?
Maybe.
- You want a kiss?
- No.
Come on. Give me come on.
No? All right.
Okay.
Ready?
Oh. Good as new.
It works! Thanks for
fixing my whip, Daddy.
Aw. Yeah, all right. No problem, bud.
Let's get you ready for bed. Oh, wait.
Sorry, George. You said you
there's something I
should know about my dad?
Um
that he and your mom still have
a very healthy relationship.
Oh. That's nice.
Where's Quinten?
Oh, putting Chance to bed.
- They do a little nighttime meditation.
- Oh, yeah.
Sittin' around doing nothing.
He's good at that.
Well, maybe he's got other priorities
- like spending time with his kid.
- Yeah.
Family time is great, but
it doesn't pay the bills.
And it doesn't make you the
number three car salesman
in the Dakotas.
That's two states.
It's mostly bison, you know.
And I'm no scientist, but,
you know, they don't drive.
I'm sorry if I want my
son to be successful.
Look, you and I are gonna
know each other a long time,
so I'ma say this to you right now.
You're wrong, okay?
Quinten is successful, Sam,
maybe just not in the way that
you and I measure it, okay?
I mean, these kids don't see a lifetime
of grinding away at work as the goal.
Then what the hell is the goal?
Damned if I know.
But you know what?
They're happy, okay?
I mean, Quinten takes care of Mayan
so she can pursue her dreams.
He makes sure that Chance
knows that he's loved
every single day.
And he puts up with
me, and I can be a lot.
But he's a better father
than you or I will ever be.
So maybe he's not
successful at business,
but he's successful at life.
And that may be better.
Hey, Mama?
I've been thinking a
lot about Sam's toast.
And the truth is,
if it wasn't for you
teaching me about hard work,
I would have never have
gotten to this point.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, and the truth is, I did
sabotage Chance's poster.
Yes!
I knew if I complimented
you, you'd admit it.
Go ahead, Mayan. Ah!
- Okay, sit down.
- Okay.
You know what your problem is?
You're too comfortable.
I was hard on you
because I knew the world
would be even harder.
You think things are
better now for all Latinos
because your life is good?
I mean, a white kid
writes sloppy, and it's,
"Oh, he has the
handwriting of a doctor."
A Latino kid writes sloppy, and it's,
"Oh, he's illiterate."
We have to work three times as hard
just to be seen as equals.
Okay, I'll make Chance redo the poster.
And then?
I'll rip it up and make
him do it a third time.
Oh, that's my girl.
How about a hug to go with that mug?
You're already too close.
I heard you defending
me to my dad last night.
Mm-mm, you must have been
having a drunken hallucination.
Well, I wasn't drunk.
Well, then, I must have been
having a drunken hallucination.
But you know what,
man? Your dad's a lot.
Yes he is.
Look, my dad's narrow-minded
definition of success
is part of the reason I
moved away from North Dakota.
Also, I'm scared of bison,
and they are everywhere.
- Does Mayan know?
- No.
I don't, uh
I don't talk about it with her
'cause they got a great bond
and I don't want to ruin that.
- Mm.
- As far as him and I go, it's just
it's hard trying to live
up to a successful dad.
It's awesome Mayan never
had to deal with that.
So what I'm hearing is the
fact that I was a screw-up
with no standards for myself or others
makes me the perfect dad!
You hear that, Mayan?
I'm the reason for all your success!
Nope! Mom was!
I can never do nothing in this house.
Nah, George, you can do some things.
Hey, uh you got a KitKat
wrapper on the back.
It's right here. Here, I'll get it.
I'll get it. There.
It's off.
- No, there's another one back there.
- Hey!
You know, Quinten, you're a good man.
But you don't smell like anything.
I'm so hungover.
Hot dog?
Sure. Oh!
- Y you
- Yeah.
You just eat them out
of the package cold?
Didn't we talk about
you judging people less?
Sorry. Sorry.
And I apologized to Quinten earlier.
- Damn. I should be a therapist.
- Therapy?
Yeah, Quinten's been trying
to get me to go for years.
No, thank you.
Mayan's been trying to get me to go too.
Why do we need therapy? We're perfect.
And so is this room-temperature wiener.
I really hope you're
talking about the hot dog.