Loudermilk (2017) s01e09 Episode Script

1 This isn't what it looks like.
So you're not holding two drinks in your hand and getting a BJ? You wanna breathalyze me? Go ahead.
What the fuck? - I bet it's a DUI.
- Ben doesn't drink.
Well, sponsee, I think you might want to open your eyes a little wider.
What the fuck are you doing not telling me my ex-wife's getting married?! Because I didn't want you to freak out! Why would you think I would freak out?! Why the fuck are you still going to Memphis' wedding? I was invited.
It doesn't mean anything to you that I told you that I'm still in love with her? I know, man, but I already RSVP'd.
And besides, I promised Memphis that I would be there, - and I prefer not to break my promises.
- Yeah? Well, you promised me you'd stay sober.
When did I do that? When you became my sponsor, you said, "Loudermilk", I promise that I will do everything I can "to help you stay clean, including lead by example.
" Oops.
Oops? That's what you fucking got? I'm sorry, okay? I've been very, very stressed out, and I got weak.
- It happens.
- Yeah.
But that doesn't mean that you should start drinking again, too, okay? Well, like I could after that Tony Robbins pep talk.
I don't know, you know? Maybe finding out about this wedding is a Was a godsend or something.
Oh, yeah, I'm sure God was all about you breaking and entering into my safe.
It's not breaking or entering.
I live here.
And I didn't have to break into your safe 'cause I was able to crack your fuckin' Da Vinci Code-level password, Ben.
Oh.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
That was good.
All right, so I'll pack my bags.
Is this a formal wedding? No, you know, T-shirt and flip-flops.
It's like a Jimmy Buffet vibe.
Of course it's formal.
Not that it matters in that you're not invited.
Well, I might want to break in and stop the thing, and I don't want to be underdressed.
- Oh, fuck me.
- Now what? I'm gonna have to take what's-her-name.
Why? Are you worried she's gonna sleep in one of our beds or something? She's only been sober for a couple months, man.
She'll be mainlining before we start the car.
Didn't even think about the bed thing.
Come on.
Is that how it's gonna be now? You're gonna drink in the apartment, in front of me? All right.
I'm sorry, you're right.
No more drinking in the apartment while you're home.
We cool? I still don't get why I had to come, too.
It's too early in your recovery for you to be left alone.
Besides, I need somebody watching Ben while I tinkle.
You sure it's okay to just ditch the group? I'm not ditching the group.
What? New Guy's gonna be covering for me.
- New Guy? - Yeah.
Why that asshole? Because by the time I get back, they'll be so happy to see me, they'll forget I ditched them.
I know that Loudermilk usually begins by mocking everybody And sometimes that could be cute and disarming But I prefer the Cornell way of really pow Hey, where is Loudermilk? It's kind of a secret.
We're not supposed to tell Father Mike.
I'm not even sure I'm allowed to tell you guys.
Well, obviously, if he told your silly little ass, you can tell us, too.
You know, I was thinking that, too, but then I realized I'm the one he asked to lead the group in his absence, so he probably holds me in a higher esteem.
Huh.
He just picked you because he knew you were a power-hungry little fuck who would wet his pussy at the mere thought of running this shitty Hey, first of all, I don't have a pussy.
I have a penis just like you.
Prove it.
- What? - I'm serious.
Find some tweezers and do your best to locate it, and pull it out, a-and we'll all get as close as we can, and we'll And we'll squint to try to see what you're talking about.
Yeah, yeah? Well, you're not gonna need tweezers, buddy! You're gonna need a spatula! And besides, I'm not gonna show you my penis, and you know why?! 'Cause my voice proves it.
Doesn't my voice prove I have one? Not really.
Are you fucking serious? I can't drink in the car now, either? - Come on.
- Dude, it's a really long drive, and you know I'm an alcoholic! Please.
That's bad enough in front of me, but there's a very delicate flower in the back who's at an extremely impressionable age.
Ben's been drinking his ass off for the last two weeks, and if he just quits cold turkey, he might get the DTs.
You knew he was off the wagon? Looks like you're the only one who didn't know, Sherlock Homo.
"Sherlock Homo"! All right, all right, all right, all right.
Can we agree that you're not gonna drink behind the wheel, at least? You know, you really are a control freak, man.
B-By the way, I'm the only one out of the three of us who still has a license, so I make the rules.
- Cheers.
- Great.
What if we get in an accident? Huh? Or - Is that? - Or that.
- Where? - Oh, my God.
Oh, that guy's Oh, boy.
Okay, okay.
Great.
I'm going to jail.
Again.
Don't worry.
The only person going to jail is the drunk driver.
You've been driving pretty erratically - over the past couple miles.
- Oh.
Is that right? Um, I'm sorry about that.
Have you been drinking? No, officer.
When my father used to drink, he would beat my mother, and I swore I'd never take a drop of alcohol my whole life and I never have.
Oh.
Sorry.
Well just slow down, okay? I don't know why we were going so fast anyway.
I mean, we're all in such a rush to go nowhere, right? I mean, where are we all going? How are we gonna get there? What's gonna happen to us, you know? Like, who's up there? I don't know.
Right? What the fuck was that?! What? I was just improvising a little.
I was trying to help you out.
Okay.
Well, this isn't the fucking Groundlings, okay? I had that.
That was a shitty thing to lie about, Ben.
You're gonna get bad karma for that.
Oh, okay.
So, let me get this straight Would it have been better if it were true and my father did beat my mother? - Yeah.
- You make me sick.
Come on, man.
We got to go in here? Yes.
You've been driving for seven straight hours, and we're not missing meetings.
Oh, yeah, meetings are so important.
I've been going for years.
Look how I turned out.
Hey, you had a relapse.
You got to get back in there and open up.
Talk about whatever it is that set you off.
Yeah, I've been having flashbacks - of daddy hitting mommy.
- I'm serious, man.
What the fuck is going on with you? - I don't know.
Nothing! - Everything.
Life.
You know, it's never just one thing.
Look, man, are you sure you want to go in here? It looks like we're walking into a Klu Klux clambake.
We're alcoholics.
We're all the same.
Don't be elitist, man.
You're go Wait.
Hold on.
You're calling me elitist? You? I'm only elitist about music.
Uh, and coffee, facial hair, serial commas, dim sum hats! - You're so fucking particular about hats! - All right, fine, fine! I'm elitist, fine! I'm not fucking elitist about this.
All right? This is recovery.
That's the great equalizer.
Anybody who's battling addiction has a story worth telling.
You know, your wife dumps you, you play a lot of games with yourself where you You try to You know, you magnify all of her flaws, like her tacos were soggy, she couldn't punctuate You know I mean, I'd come home to a note that would say, "Honey, I'll be home at 5:00, comma, I love you," and it's two fuckin' sentences.
Anyway, that's It's a lot of bullshit.
Right? You're just trying to con yourself into thinking that you're better off without her and it's time to move on, but I Man, I can't.
You know what, man? I don't get you.
I mean, you lost Memphis four years ago.
Why is this just hitting you now? 'Cause up till now, there's always been hope.
I mean, once she marries some other dude that's it It's over.
Hey, you ever try picturing her taking a real stinky shit? That always works for me.
No.
You really surprised me in there.
I mean you don't even share like that with your own group.
Just felt safe, I guess.
I don't know.
I mean, I don't give a shit what they think.
Well, I had no idea you were still so in hung up on Memphis.
I told you I was.
When I talk, do you not listen to me? - I drift in and out.
- Oh.
Seriously, though, man, that was some heavy shit.
I mean, you got me thinking that maybe this wedding is the last thing you need to do.
What are you talking about? Listen, man, this is the real world, not a movie, and in the real world, brides don't back out of their own wedding.
This trip could kill you, Sam.
You know what? Fuck New Orleans.
Why don't we go somewhere fun, like Miami or L.
A.
? We'll find ourselves some new chicks.
Look I know in my gut that if I just look her in the eye and tell her how I feel, she's gonna realize that she feels the same way and call the goddamn thing off.
So that's what I got to do.
Hey, group is in session! Take your seats! Oh, yeah, we'll take our seats as soon as you show us your clit already.
Very funny.
You know, I don't have a clitoris, and I get way hotter chicks than any of you.
Oh, you guys think that's funny? You don't believe it? Well, how many of you are this close to dating Rihanna? Just 'cause you play the skin flute thinking about Rihanna doesn't mean you're gonna date her.
Oh, yeah, make your jokes, but you know what? I'm the one who's gonna be tapping her, not you.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
You talking about Ri-Ri? Rihanna, the singer? The Come on, now.
The one that's in "Annie"? That Rihanna? Yeah, Rihanna.
I donated a lot of money to her causes, she finally agreed to follow me on Twitter, and I'm gonna ask her out this week.
Are you back on meth? Hey, she might say yes.
Stranger things have happened.
Really? Like what? They cloned a sheep.
That don't beat that! Deal me in.
What you got? Where the hell is Loudermilk? Oh, I'm in charge.
Uh, he's away for, uh For an hour.
For an hour? Okay, three days.
He left the group for three days, and he didn't tell me? Yeah, sounds kind of bad when you say it that way, but, you know, in fairness to him, Father, he did have an important ceremony to go to.
- A funeral? - Uh, actually, it was a wedding.
Loudermilk abandoned this group to go to a wedding? Put out the goddamn smokes! It's a goddamn historical landmark! Why the fuck did you throw Loudermilk under the bus, ass-chin? - I didn't.
- Yeah, you did.
- You ratted him out.
- What are you talking about? You all saw it with your own eyes Father Mike verbally waterboarded me.
You snitch.
You gave the keys to my room to an obsessive-compulsive meth-head fuck so you could go to a wedding?! Hey, hey, hey, hey, language.
Come on.
I thought you took your responsibilities here seriously.
I do.
Th-This is Look, I'm not just going to bang bridesmaids, okay? I'm I'm going after the bride.
This is a serious dereliction of conscience and duty to abandon people who depend on you being there.
It's the It's the last straw.
I'm taking the room away from you, and I'm gonna give the room to somebody who cares.
Look That I don't get a second chance? You ran out of second chances five chances ago! Don't bother coming back here! Hello? Shit, man.
Did he just take your group away from you? Yeah.
Wow.
I-I'm sorry, man.
Hey, it's probably a good thing.
I mean, most of the people in that group suck, right? Except for Cloud and and Cutter.
Where the fuck's Cutter been lately, anyway? I'm gonna take Mom and Scamper out here for a walk.
Make sure Mama Bear's motor faculties are okay.
You gonna be okay in here by yourself? No.
Can I please go home now? Why? So you can be reunited with your two besties Booze and heroin? I'm not going home.
I'm going to my goddamn job! Don't you take the Lord's name in vain, you ungrateful cocksucker! Yeah, that would be a real tragedy of justice, you not being able to come up with some catchy slogan so more people could drink themselves to an early grave.
For me, it would.
Don't go snooping around.
I have better things to do than snoop.
Like what? You're triple-locked in a trailer, and the TV don't work.
Damn.
Suddenly, I feel bad.
First 200 pages are slow, but stick with it.
No, no, no, no.
I don't know why, but I always end up dating guys who treat me bad.
They're either abusers or cross dressers.
Not that all cross dressers are bad, but the guy I dated He used to pee on me.
I don't know.
Maybe I just deserve guys that treat me bad.
Hey, Marika, you know that is not true.
There is a goodness in you that lifts all of us every day.
Don't let the bad people diminish the good in you.
What the fuck are you doing? I'm sorry, new friend, d-do you disagree with the counsel that I'm giving? Why the fuck are you drinking in a meeting? Uh, we we don't speak at "decibel 10" in here, friend.
Um, we never like to go above a five, actually.
What is wrong with you?! Excuse me, sir, could you back off? - He was talking to me.
- You're okay with him drinking? Judge not lest ye judge yourself.
No, let's judge, okay? You're a doormat.
Don't be.
Stop dating assholes who pee on you.
You, stop drinking in the middle of a meeting! You're not supposed to do that.
Oh, don't dump your liberal bullshit on me, okay? This isn't about politics.
I happen to know what I'm talking about, okay? - I'm a leader myself.
- Was a leader.
Was? Uh, what'd, you get canned? Now, what, because I took a couple of personal days off, I'm not a You You abandoned your group? I didn't abandon anybody.
I-I-I left them with the the new guy.
Yeah, yeah, he's been sober for like what, uh, two weeks? More than him! And you're judging me? You know what? I had my relapse like six months ago.
And believe me, the last thing I thought I should do was to walk in here.
But then I realized, if I don't have the strength to help myself, I might still have the strength to help those who depend on me.
So, unlike you, Mr.
Selfish, I came to these meetings because the word "abandon" is not in my personal vocabulary.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Excuse me, uh Would you mind if I had a little Just a skosh of the, uh - Oh, you want a drink? - I would love one.
I just relapsed myself.
- My name's Ben, by the way.
- Russell.
What's going on? - Okay.
- How you doing? - This will be good.
- All right.
- Oh.
Here we go.
- Ben.
Mm.
We were driving forever, - and Mr.
Selfish didn't want to stop - Ben! - Okay.
All right.
- Hey, cheers, huh? - Oh, yeah, cheers.
- Good luck, everybody.
You sure you got enough? You still got six hours to go.
No, I know.
I was thinking the same thing, but I don't want them to get warm, so, you know, unless I get a cooler, I thought it'd be smarter to just pull over later and get more.
I was kidding.
Yeah, get those and rub them under your arms every half an hour or so.
Rub them under yours.
Snappy comeback.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
I want you to keep an eye on him, yeah? Dude, he's a grown-ass man.
He can take care of himself.
And he goes, "I'm just joking.
" 'Cause he thought it was too many.
Just make sure he doesn't piss on the floor or wander into traffic.
License or no license, I'm driving from now on.
Yeah.
All right.
Don't forget this one.
Beautiful! Where is he? Who? Ben.
How should I know? 'Cause you're supposed to be watching him! Okay, assignment Nazi.
I had to go, too.
You were in there for like 20 minutes.
So you didn't see where he went? He's probably still in there.
- He's not.
- Check the bathroom.
I just came from the bathroom.
Jesus Christ.
Ben! Ben?! Watch your step.
Okay, baby.
Oh, sweetie, come on.
Oh, mommy's gonna be all right.
Love you, rascal.
Lay down.
Go to bed now.
How's Mom? Why don't you ask her yourself? You think 'cause she's old, she's not a human being? Not a person? No.
You looking at my scrapbook? Oh, yeah.
I, uh It's mine.
What? It's just pictures of you hanging out with a buddy.
That wasn't just a buddy.
That's Ollie.
My sponsee.
And he's dead 'cause of me.
Cutter, you can't blame yourself when when someone else decides to do whatever they're gonna do.
Yeah.
Yeah, I can.
I was always on his ass, trying to do the best I could, just like I do with you.
And then, one day, he had a slip.
And I got so mad 'cause he didn't go to a fuckin' meeting with me! And then I said "You want it your way, big shot?" Go ahead.
"Go ahead and s-see where it gets you.
" An hour later, I got the call.
Uh An hour later, I got the call.
You did the best you could.
I mean you can't control everything somebody does.
I mean, shit, we can't even control what we do.
I could've did more.
What more could you possibly have done? You can't control someone 24 hours a day.
I mean, unless you handcuff someone to your trailer and that's not the answer.
Sorry.
Hey, hey, hey, I-it's okay.
At least I understand why you're so extreme with me.
We got to get you home.
R-Really? You sure he's gone? Positive.
We've been searching for him for two hours.
But you said his car is still here.
That's right.
Well, how could he be gone if his car is still here? Uh I don't understand the question, I guess, but that's kind of my point.
That's how I know something is wrong is because his car is here and he's not.
Maybe he hitchhiked somewhere.
Left you the keys on the front tire.
People do that around here all the time.
Why would he hitchhike when he has a car? I don't know.
Maybe he wanted to get away from you but he didn't want to leave you in a lurch.
Did you check the front tire? L-Look, he loves that car, okay? He would never, ever hitchhike somewhere and leave the car.
If he was trying to ditch us, he would take the car, and he would leave us to hitchhike.
Well, he doesn't sound like much of a friend if he'd do that.
So why do you care if you find him? No, because he di That's a hypo He didn't do that, okay? Look, I'm I'm really afraid something bad has happened, you know? Like he wandered into the woods and passed out or he got hit by a truck or something.
He'd been driving for a bunch of hours, and and And he was pretty drunk by the time we pulled over.
Whoa, whoa.
Wait a second.
You let your friend drive drunk? Um, yeah, I-I-I lost my license, and so did she, so That's I ought to arrest you.
For what? For being an enabler? You can't arrest me for that.
Mm.
Touchy, sir.
Touchy.
"Touchy?" "Touchy?" Do you mean "touchÉ"? Yeah.
Home run, huh? You crushed it, right? "Crushed it"? No, I didn't crush it.
How was I supposed to crush it when you had me locked inside a trailer when I should've been preparing?! It was a fucking disaster! It took me 15 minutes to explain why I had dental floss in my forehead! You should've told them it was an antiseptic.
An antiseptic! That's great! Yeah, no! Next time, I'll bring you in so you can ruin my life in front of everybody! Whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa! Don't bite my head off.
It's like you said back at the trailer You can't control everything.
Everyone! I-I said you can't control everyone.
Things you can control, like like doing great at a pitch meeting! That's a controllable thing if you have the fucking time to prepare! Oh, fuck! Fried chicken, order up! Ben, where the hell are you?! Okay.
Everything's fine, but I was kidnapped.
What? Yeah, the second I walked out of the bathroom, a guy ambushed me and forced me into his car.
Okay.
Where are you? - I'll call the police.
- No, no, no, no.
Look, that won't be necessary.
I got him talking about his childhood and shit.
He feels really bad now.
I think he just wanted some company driving to New Orleans.
I'm sorry.
You're You're in New Orleans? Yeah, yeah.
I mean, of all the places this guy wanted to go, New Orleans.
And, um, you know, it's got me thinking that maybe you're right.
You know, maybe God is behind all this.
I don't I-I-I'm not following that at all.
Tell you what, man.
Why don't you just take my car, drive back to Seattle? How am I gonna do that? I don't have the keys.
I put them on the front left tire.
Oh, for fuck's sake Yeah, Ben, listen, okay? I'm on my way.
I'm coming to you, all right? Just, uh, you got to do me a favor, though, all right? - I need you to talk to Memphis.
- Me? - You You want me to talk to her? - Yeah.
Yeah, I I You know, I need you to grease the wheels a little bit.
Okay.
That sounds good.
Look, I got to go, but you could probably Hello, Memphis.
Hello, Ben.