Mad About You s01e09 Episode Script

Hi, honey.
What's wrong? Are you hurt? No.
It's a new exercise-- power limping.
What happened? I was in the garment district, and I got run down by one of those loopy bike messengers.
Again? She came out of nowhere.
I jumped in the street to avoid gettin' hit by a rack of summer casuals, and then next thing you know-- boom-- I'm lyin' in a Dumpster with last year's irregulars.
- Calm down.
You're okay now.
- Oh, no, I'm not.
I mean, I could've died.
It was a brush with death.
I literally-- I saw my life flash before my eyes.
What was I wearing? - I'm sorry? - What was I wearing? Well, you-- Well, you-- You weren't there.
- What do you mean, I wasn't there? - Well, it happens very fast.
And, then, truthfully, I only got as far as high school.
Well, obviously I must not be that important to you.
Well, excuse me for not thinking of you as I hurtled to my death.
If I were about to die, I'd think about you.
We're about to find out.
Tell me why I love you like I do Tell me who can start my heart as much as you Let's take each other's hand As we jump into the final frontier I'm mad about you, baby Yeah I'm mad about you As far as I'm concerned, you can ship the entire criminal justice system off to Riker's Island.
You okay there, Uncle Jules? Take another puff.
Help wash down the roast beef.
Have some more cream soda.
- Is this diet? - No.
Good.
All this Last Will and Testament stuff-- itjust seems so final.
I mean, how do you live up to something like that? - You die.
- This is what I'm saying.
Can't you just look at death as a wonderful adventure? I don't think so, no.
Murray, don't worry nothin'.
We're not goin' anywhere.
You should think, God forbid, what you wanna do should you pre-decease the dog.
Well, he'll just get a veil and four black leg bands.
Did you read all ofthis-- creation oftrusts alternate beneficiaries, power ofattorney? - That's gonna be my sister.
- Good.
Give her power ofattorney.
She can't get a Chevron card.
She'll squander the whole estate.
What estate? Murray and your stereo.
- I promised the stereo to Selby.
- What about me? - Well, he knows how to work it.
- Yeah, but I could sell it.
- I might need the money.
- For what? Maybe I'll be grief-stricken, and I might need to take a cruise to get over it.
- Bermuda's nice.
- I've heard that.
What about me? I'm the one who's dead here.
- He was always selfish too.
- Who asked you? - Like it's a secret? - Uncle Jules, you like that couch? - Not so much.
- That's what I'm leaving you.
- So I'll sell it.
- Actually, I promised that to Lisa.
Great.
You'll be dead, and I'll have to drag the couch uptown for her.
You think you kids got something to argue about now wait till the terminal illness clause.
There is not one part of that sentence I enjoyed.
- What is it? - Informed consent, pulling the plug.
- All that crap.
- Hang on.
Wait a second.
Nobody's pullin' my plug.
- Why not? - 'Cause that's-- that's not natural.
You'd rather lie there in a ''persistent vegetative state''? That sounds pretty restful.
Better that than somebody ''pulling my plug.
'' - What am I ? A toaster? - Well, they're pulling my plug.
- I n fact, you're pulling it.
- Oh, I'm not pulling your plug.
- If not you, who? - I don't care.
Your sister.
Let her earn that couch.
No, I couldn't put her through that.
Like it's not gonna put a crimp in my day? Listen.
You're pullin' your own plug.
- It's yourjob.
- I'm not pulling your plug.
- What would that exactly entail? - What? Didn't you ever pull a plug? Not one attached to my wife.
Do I actually bend down-- I physicallyyank it out-- or do I just nod to an official plug-puller? -I think they do it.
-What do you tip on that? Geez, it's after 5:00.
I promised Bev I'd be home for dinner.
Dinner? You just ate.
- I had a sandwich.
- Sandwich.
You had a steer on rye.
And, Paulie, don't forget to send me those bank records.
- I'm gonna get 'em to you tomorrow.
- Why don't you give them to him now? - 'Cause they're not here.
- Where are they? I got 'em over at-- They're at the place.
- What place? - They're at the place-- the apartment.
- Oh, you mean your bachelor pad.
- Here we go.
- You're still paying rent up there? - I'm subletting.
- For a profit? - No.
J ust-- - Then for what? - You heard the man, honey.
For what? - Did I start something? - No, no.
You're fine.
- Don't worry about it.
And thanks.
- Thanks,J ules.
We appreciate all your help, and do me a favor: Kiss Aunt Bev.
Please.
Howmany times do we have togo through this?It was my firstapartment.
There's a lot of sentimental attachment there.
Yeah, a whole flock of'em.
Hey, it was my apartment when I met you.
- I'm touched.
Get rid of it.
- See, 'cause you're not from New York.
No New Yorker would ever give away an apartment like that.
- Unless they didn't need it anymore.
- It's an apartment.
- What is the big deal? - So get rid of it.
- But I never go there.
I never use it.
- So get rid of it.
See, but, why? Because I'm asking you.
- I gotta think about it.
- Fine.
When you're ready to be married, we'll talk about a will.
- Honey, what-- - Forget it.
- What are we doing here? What is this? - I have to make dinner.
- Fran and Mark are coming over.
- Oh, great.
Well, suddenly, dying doesn't look so bad.
I say ifyou have to go, you know what's not bad? - Burial at sea.
- Ooh, not for me, thankyou.
Very soothing.
Yeah, my concern would be that minnows would swim up my nose.
- I'm gonna be cremated.
- You got potatoes there? - Why postpone the inevitable? - Why not postpone the inevitable? My husband has a little trouble letting go ofthings.
Would you stop? Call me old-fashioned, but pushin' up daisies is good enough for me.
Paul, did your uncle mention anything about the Uniform Anatomical Gift Act? - Which would be what? - Organ donations.
Want this leg? - You have it, pookie.
- Okay.
- You mean like transplants? - Yeah.
Fascinating area.
Had a patient once with a virtually rotted-out liver.
Yummy, yummy, yummy.
- People are trying to eat.
- Fran is right.
Could you stop talking about death? Why can't we live in the moment? Oh.
Opposed to hanging onto the past? Look how you didn't stop.
- I'm gonna make some coffee.
- Go help him.
What's going on with you two? Talk to me.
There's two things I don't like to lend: money and my internal organs.
- 'Cause you never get either one back.
- Yeah, but look at it this way: It's your chance to cheat death.
So, actually, that's a way I could actually stick around a little longer.
Well, pieces ofyou but I should stipulate that there's no guarantee that they're gonna use your body parts for transplants.
They may decidejust to use them for educational purposes.
Wait a second.
I could end up lying naked on a slab at Columbia University? Part ofyou there, part down at NYU.
Enough to go around.
I'd be in medical school.
My mother would like that.
Make your mother very happy, yes, indeed.
You've actually let Paul keep his old apartment, his bachelor pad? I trust him.
There is a fine line between trust and stupidity.
All it takes is one night.
Maybe you're out oftown on a business trip.
Paul gets stinkin' drunk and picks up some ditsy actress on a bus.
Paul never takes the bus.
Anyway, it's a sublet, Fran.
Somebody lives there.
But it's still in his name.
That gives him leverage.
It's an unspoken threat.
- Maybe you're right.
- Then tell him, and don't waver.
I had Mark moving boxes out of his apartment one hour after I proposed.
So, basically, it's a good idea, but the only problem is you never know exactly where your body parts are gonna go, you know? So, like, my kidneys could end up in a felon and they would go to the electric chair for something they didn't do.
Why don't you just hang onto them like you do everything else? -Why don't you just come out and say it? -Fine.
Give up your apartment.
How can you say that? It's rent-controlled.
Like that's the reason.
It's not? Well, then, good.
You tell me.
Explain me to myself.
You're a moron.
You know, you're the one who's hanging onto this apartment thing, not me.
That place is a memory.
It's got nothing to do with us.
- So get rid of it.
- You keep saying that.
You're catching on.
- What time you gotta get up? - A quarter of.
I really don't understand why that apartment bothers you so much.
For the same reason you need to keep it so much: It's your security blanket.
- It's like an escape hatch foryou.
- It is not.
- It's like an out foryou.
- Listen.
I don't need an out.
- I don't want an out.
I want in.
- Not tonight.
I don't get it.
What upsets you? Because I slept with other women there? - Because I had a life before you? - What bothers me is you're still hanging onto that life instead of committing to this one.
- You didn't have a life before me? - I did, but I don't flaunt it.
You could.
Ifyou wanna flaunt, you could flaunt.
You could flaunt.
- What are you doing? - I'm flaunting.
Thejersey? I thought you told me you were gonna throw out thatjersey.
- I didn't.
Why? Does it botheryou? - No.
You think I'm jealous 'cause you once took pity on some pituitary case? He could snap you like a twig.
Yeah, well, he'd have to catch me first.
-Would you get that out of my bed? -All right.
I'll make you a deal.
You get rid ofyour apartment; I'll get rid ofthis jersey.
- I would never askyou to do that.
- Come on.
Right now.
Let's just toss our pasts to the wind.
You're bluffing.
Your move.
Eddie, it'sJamie Buchman in 1 1 -D.
I need you to get thatjersey again.
Are you gonna be there today, 'cause I wanna talk to you about the lease and I wanna get some papers there.
I n the hall closet, there's a shoe box.
There's a blue shoe box.
I don't know.
Florsheim, I think.
What? Nine and a half D.
This guy is out of his mind.
Can we talk about that? I will see you at the apartment later.
All right.
Good-bye.
I can't believe I'm subletting the place to a lunatic.
See how much trouble that apartment is? I'm just trying to help.
Honey, I'm giving it up.
You can stop lobbying.
- Really? - Yeah.
I figured, you know-- - Was it something I said? - No.
No, not at all.
It's more the weeping in your sleep.
That helped.
Plus, you know, you threw out thejersey.
That's true.
Thankyou.
- Thankyou.
- Sure.
Thankyou.
- Where did you learn that one? - I n second grade.
It's how the bugs kiss.
- So you're my love bug again? - I am.
I'm your queen love bug.
And you are my love bug king.
Well, the bug-bug missed ya.
Well, bug-bug's back.
- Well, you're buggy-buggy-buggy.
- Buggy-buggy-buggy-buggy.
You're my buggy-buggy-boo.
You're my buggy-buggy too.
Buggy-bug.
Love bug.
- What are you doing? -J ust comin' in.
Why are you facing out? I don't know.
We werejust gonna have some breakfast.
You want? Yeah.
Please.
Is the coffee ready, babe? Hey, some wives do that.
Mrs.
Buggy-Boo is sure in a good mood.
Well, she's very happy, 'cause I'm maybe givin' up my old apartment.
- Excuse me? - I'm gonna give it up.
Look, I never go there, so what's the point in keeping it? Well, they're not gonna use the Spirit ofSt.
Louis again but nobody's gettin' rid of it.
You're talkin' about history.
Your history.
Our history.
- I know.
- Remember the microwave clam bake? - Yeah, look-- - You can't get rid ofthat place! - I know, but she doesn't think-- - Do you see her throwing her past out? - Actually, yeah.
- I'm tellin' ya.
- What? -J ust tell her to back off.
See, I promised her I'd give it up, but I don't know that I really want to.
- Don't want to what? - Floss.
Regularly, excessively.
With brushing and the Water Pik, you're getting everything.
Fine.
Then don't.
Honey, you're splashing all the things here.
- What? - Don't.
- Don't what? - Give it up.
- I am.
- Don't.
I thought you wanted me to give it up? - No.
I want you to want to.
- See? That I didn't understand.
I didn't get all the instructions here.
So I have to be happy about it? - Yes.
- Then I am.
I don't want you to do this because I badgered you.
- I want this to come from your heart.
- I'm doing it because you badgered me.
- Well, don't.
- Honey, I'm giving it up, okay? I'm giving up the place.
I wanna give it up.
I'm happy.
I'm happy.
That's not even true.
I'm more than happy.
I'm giddy.
I would say I'm giddy.
I'm so giddy I'm doin' a jig.
Look, I'm doin' a jig.
Okay? I'm jiggin' here.
I'm jiggin'-- You shut up.
Look, I'm kind of in a hurry.
I want to get to Smilers before it closes.
- Smilers is open 24 hours.
- No.
I heard a rumor.
Listen.
I gotta get in.
Remember I told you on the phone? - I gotta get the shoe box.
- The shoe box.
Yeah.
Yeah, I know where it is.
The shoe box.
It's all right.
You-- You stay.
It's in the hall closet there, top shelf.
- Is this yours? - I don't believe so.
It's weird.
I don't know where it came from.
Oh, man.
- What is that? - That's wire.
It's a lot ofwire.
- There you go.
- Oh, boy.
I'm glad you're taking that.
I can use the storage space.
- What are you gonna do with those? - I'm makin' out my will.
- What? Are you dying? - Well, eventually, you know? - We all gotta go.
- Not me.
- You know somebody? - Cryonics, Paul.
- The big chill.
- That's where they freeze you.
- Someone was telling me about this-- - Yeah.
It's great.
I got some literature here.
It's out on the terrace.
I'll get it.
- What terrace? - Well, it's not really a terrace.
- It's like a-- a big hole in the wall.
- From what? - Explosion.
- Explosion.
There you go.
Paul, I gotta go.
Kramer, listen.
Wait.
I gotta talk to you about the lease.
- Oh, the lease.
- I wanna talk about the lease.
- You wanna talk now? - This is what I'm saying.
Paul, look, I been doing a lot ofwork on the place.
I got-- No, no.
I'm not throwing you out ofthe place.
I'm giving it to you.
You are? Yeah, I decided I'm gonna give it up, and I'm gonna give it to you.
- What do I have to give you? - Nothing.
Nothing.
Gee, I wanna give you something.
Wait.
- Here.
Take it.
- Oh, no.
- Take the cigar.
- Okay.
- You look good with a cigar.
- You think? Here.
There you go.
- That's a good cigar.
- They're Cubans.
You look tense.
- What's the matter with you? - You know what? It's hard.
It's very hard for me to give up this place.
I got a lot of memories here.
That's a big chunk of my life.
That's, like, my past, you know? - You got a beautiful wife? - Yeah.
- You love her? - Sure.
- Does she love you? - Yeah.
-You got more than three pairs of pants? -Yeah.
There you go.
- Where? - To the future.
I'll mind the past, and you giddap to the future.
- Sure.
- Let me take one more look.
I wanna take one more look.
I wanna see.
- It's foryour own good.
Come on.
- One look.
No, no.
Future.
All right? There you go.
Whatever happened to that Jerry guy used to live there? - He's writing a sitcom for N BC.
- Good luck to him.
We have nothing fun to eat.
Canned peas, mushroom soup.
I don't remember buying this stuff.
I think they came with the cabinets.
So, basically, this is what it'd be like to be frozen.
- Oh, my God.
- You know what? It's not that bad.
It's like waiting for a bus on a cold night.
Try it.
I told you.
I'm being cremated.
I can't believe you don't wanna die with me.
Don't take it personally.
It's not that I don't wanna die with you.
I just-- I don't wanna die, period.
- So we're breaking up? - I guess so.
You know, you're offto the furnace; I'm offto the freezer.
We said ''till death do us part.
'' - Well, you'll be dead.
- Well, you won't.
Then come with me.
Come on.
We'll get the family plan.
We'll get a discount ifwe freeze our heads.
Look, I believe when you go, you go.
All good things must pass.
- Like my apartment? Yeah.
- Like your apartment.
Boy, I tell ya, just bein' in that building brought back memories.
- Yeah, I'll bet it did.
- No, hey, I'm serious.
And the best one was you.
Oh, come with me, please.
You're so romantic.
Ooh, we have ice cream.