Mad Love s01e09 Episode Script
Pub Quiz
There comes a time when every friendship is put to the test.
Yeah.
Go ahead.
Uh, who was the first man in space? Yuri Gagarin.
Next.
Wow, I would have thought it was Neil Armstrong.
You thought wrong, Kate.
Next.
Okay.
Not sure I like pub quiz Larry.
I'm sorry.
You're right, Kate, okay? You're new.
You haven't been around me and Ben during pub quiz time.
It's a charged atmosphere.
Kind of like the Olympics or world war II, but, you know, bigger.
Oh.
Yeah.
Oh - Ow.
- My back, my back, my back.
I really thought my back would be better today.
Well, you know, that's what happens, Connie.
You know, as the body ages, it takes longer and longer to snap back.
Pretty soon it's easier to count the good days than the bad.
Do you have a bucket list? I do.
Um, go to space, have sex with an alien.
Oh, wait.
That's yours.
I got to stop showing Ben my private things.
You guys okay for drinks? Hi.
What do you recommend? I don't know.
Beer? Beer sounds incredible.
Yeah, I'll take a beer too.
- [Murmurs.]
- Great.
Oh, can I take a peek at your I.
D.
? My I.
D.
? Um, yes, you sure can.
I'll have a beer too.
Yes, I saw the hand signal.
Oh! Well, that's nice.
Connie, your back's just making you feel old.
Also I think your age is making you feel old.
I hope you're feeling better for Tiffany's party on Sunday.
Nothing is gonna make me happier than showing all those 25-year-old girls how hot I look in my new slutty dress.
I don't want to go to Tiffany's party.
Who has a party on a Sunday? That is just your back talking.
I know what we should do.
I got a free day at a spa from one of the tenants.
Why don't we go tomorrow? Mm-mm.
I don't like spas.
The nudity, laying on of hands, John Tesh music.
I love how you women buy into the idea that a day at the spa can reverse the aging process.
Much like the famed fountain of youth which was searched for but never discovered by - Ponce de Leon.
There it is.
Up here.
That is the kind of trivia sharpness that makes us to the pub quiz what Randy Matson is to - Shot-putting.
Bang-a-rang.
Wow.
You guys have become super boring.
I don't think that's what you'll be saying come Sunday when we are crowned pub quiz champions for the fifth consecutive year.
I think that's exactly what we'll be saying.
See, Larry and I are like any of the great historic teams.
You know, Pippen and Jordan.
- Exactly.
- Where I'm Jordan.
- That doesn't make any sense.
Anyway, speaking of pub quiz, you are probably going to think this is bad news, but please let me finish before you say anything.
Nat Sax - Son of a bitch.
.
.
wants to meet with us tomorrow to ask us a couple of questions before he officially retains our firm services.
This guy, he invented this new web browser.
If we land him, it could be huge for our careers.
- Nat Sax is full of it, okay? We met with him five times, and I know for a fact that he's meeting with every other firm in the city.
Guys like him just get off on people chasing him.
As a man who is pursued regularly for obvious reasons, I understand the allure, all right? But this has gone too far.
Yes, Nat might be a little bit flaky, but I I've got a good feeling about it this time, okay? And don't worry.
He said he wants to keep the meeting short.
That's what he said last time, and then I missed my mother's birthday, which was fine, but I care about the pub quiz deeply.
The quiz isn't until 7:00.
We're meeting him at 2:00.
We've got nothing to worry about.
You know what I really like about you guys? I kind of feel like you already mentioned a bunch of stuff.
- For one - Ah, good.
We're back to one.
- You guys have vision.
You work really hard.
When I go off on my tangents, you do your best to follow me.
Plus you look kind of funny.
There's a skinny one and a fat one, and I love that.
So, I guess the only question left is are you guys feeling this too? - Yes.
- Okay.
The skipper is in.
How about Gilligan? - Yes, I, uh, I am in.
Gilligan is way in.
Great.
Well, I'm definitely leaning towards you guys.
It's just something's not feeling perfect.
Not sure what.
Then how do we make it perfect? In the next 20 minutes.
You know what? Nothing's gonna feel perfect in this stuffy office.
Come on, guys.
Is there anywhere else you'd rather be? Well, since you asked, I would aah, no, Nat, there is no place I would rather be.
Our love is volatile, chemical anything but typical I want you badly love you madly I love you madly "Mad Love: S01E09" "Pub Quiz" Original air date 18 April, 2011 So, Nat, one thing I don't think we've mentioned is that our firm is quite useful when it comes to writing up company bylaws.
That's interesting.
I think we need more champagne.
Excuse me, everyone.
Aah, and there that is.
What are we doing? We're wasting time.
We're missing the pub quiz.
Larry, relax.
We are this close, okay? Can you just grit your teeth and try, if you can, to suffer through all of this free food and scantily-clad women who don't speak a word of English.
Ladies.
- Hi.
Hello.
- And this magnificent city view, okay? I love that for you that the magnificent view is always the topper.
Listen, Ben, I want this guy's business as bad as you do, okay? But I want it during regular office hours.
Well, we can't just tell him that.
No, obviously not.
That's why when he comes back I'm gonna fake a chlorine allergy and puke in the hot tub.
It's not gonna be hard, man.
I've had a ton of shrimp, and it's really hot in here.
I don't know why I let you talk me into this.
Oh, Connie, trust me, this massage is gonna blow you away.
Every square inch of you is gonna get kneaded and prodded and pressed and pummelled and pounded.
But in a nice way.
Or maybe I'll skip my massage and spend more time drinking spa water.
Mm.
Cucumbery.
That's not weird at all.
[Sighs.]
Will you relax? You're gonna love this.
They told me Terry is the best.
She better be.
You're a guy.
I like to think so.
So you can hang your robe here and then you can lay down face down on the table, and I'll be back in a moment.
Okay.
No.
[Groans.]
God.
Oh, God.
Oh Oh.
Still in the robe.
The truth is, Terry, I'm just a teeny bit self-conscious about all this.
That's totally understandable, but if it makes you feel any better, I've been doing this a long time and I've seen a lot of things, and you have nothing to worry about.
That sounds reassuring in theory, but you haven't seen me yet.
And what if you use my old, disgusting body to reassure other clients that they're not old and disgusting? What do you mean "if"? They told me you already signed the release.
Fine.
I'll take it off.
Get out.
Wow.
When you said you like shrimp, I thought you meant like a normal person.
How have you not thrown up yet? I don't know.
[Clears throat.]
So, um, going on with our plan.
I don't care about your presentation.
Okay.
Today is all about getting to know you guys.
You know, the real yous.
Like what would you be doing if you weren't here with me? Pub quiz.
We'd be at pub quiz right now.
- Evaluating your tax exemption status.
Larry, our client certainly doesn't need to know.
No, pub quiz sounds awesome, whatever that is.
I'm in.
That is what I'm talking about.
And that is not what I'm talking about.
Oh Good, right? Oh, my My back is like, "wow," my feet are like, "ah," and my arms are like, "yeah.
" Somebody's body is talking up a storm, and you know what? I like what it's saying.
And Terry said that he thought I was in my mid-20s, because my skin was porcelain.
Which I'm sure he says to everyone.
Which I'm sure he says to no one, con.
You're beautiful and young and vibrant.
And just because I sound like a shampoo commercial doesn't make it any less true.
Okay, teams.
Monroe's annual pub quiz is about to begin.
Who's ready? - Yeah! All right, this is it.
This is it, buddy.
This is everything we've worked for, okay? We do a lot of lawyer stuff too.
Computer science is the first category.
Uh-oh.
Look out.
Computer science is my thing.
The letters HTML stand for what? We're dead.
Calm down, okay? We can figure this out.
You always panic.
- Okay, I'm not panicking.
Let's break it out.
Okay, Internet.
It's an Internet thing.
Starts with an "H.
" About, uh Internet.
"Hinternet.
" Yes, Larry, it's "Hinternet.
" [Clears throat.]
Oh, that's right.
You're a computer guy.
You must know this, right, Nat? - I do.
- Awesome.
Can you tell us? This is really what you guys do in your free time? I mean, there's, like, two girls here, and I'm pretty sure they're together.
No, this is just a once-a-year kind of thing.
We don't take it very seriously.
We need this, Nat.
Everything is riding on it.
Fine.
Here's a hint.
The first word in HTML begins with an "H.
" That's oh.
Oh, you know what? You know what? I got it! Hypertext Mark-up Language.
Correct.
Point for Team Shaboom.
Oh, yeah! Yeah! Yep.
Those girls are definitely together.
Okay, just try and relax.
You did such a great job on my friend Connie, by the way.
She was, like, glowing when she got out of here.
Oh, Connie.
She's really lovely.
Mm-hmm.
She has the skin of an 18-year-old.
We're the same age, actually.
Yeah.
We really like to take care of ourselves, you know.
Stay out of the sun and eat the right foods, moisturize.
Yeah.
Oh, wow.
What is it? Oh, nothing.
You just got a hair growing out of your chin.
Wow.
It looks like a pig's tail.
A little gray pig's tail.
What article of clothing was invented by designer Mary Quant? Oh, the miniskirt! Womankind's greatest achievement.
Correct.
Another point for Team Shaboom.
Okay, so what do you say, guys? How about we bust a move? Uh, no, how about we don't? First off, because nobody's done that since the '90s, and second of all, because we're in the lead.
It should be just a couple more minutes, Nat, if you can hang in there.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Look, we should probably wrap it up, Larry.
I mean, we can make up ground tomorrow night in round two.
Are you out of your mind? We're on a roll.
He is close to signing, Larry.
I can feel it.
The next question is in the category of food and leisure.
Food and leisure, those are my two things.
Okay, seriously, guys, I have exceeded my lame quotient for tonight.
What is the Japanese word for the fifth taste? Client wants to go, Larry.
We should probably hit it.
No, no, no, no.
I know this, man.
It's, uh, uh, Tsunami.
Origami.
- It doesn't matter, Larry.
- Aah, Umami.
Team Shaboom is going with Mr.
Miyagi.
Incorrect.
- Umami.
- Point to Team Frodo.
No! I Oh, man.
Check that out.
You knew that one.
Dude, why didn't you call it out? You know what? You're a jackass.
- Larr Larry.
- No, no, no, no, Ben, this guy's been jerking us around for five weeks now.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Oh, whoa, whoa.
You're late for every meeting.
You don't answer your phone.
You have the audacity to serve shrimp without shrimp cocktail sauce.
I can put up with a lot of stuff, but one thing I won't put up with is somebody messing with my pub quiz.
So if you want to go that badly, do us all a favour and go! Nat, he doesn't mean any No, no, no, it's cool.
Totally got all the information I needed on you guys.
I'm gonna call your bosses tomorrow and let them know how this little meeting went.
[Sighs.]
You're welcome.
Potato pancake? No, Larry, I don't want a potato pancake.
There's applesauce.
It's organic.
I just got off the phone with the partners.
They wanted to know why Nat Sax says he's not gonna sign.
Well, did you tell 'em it's because Nat Sax is an entitled, obnoxious jackass? Yes, Larry, that is exactly what I said.
And then they said, "Oh, we didn't realize.
"So sorry to disturb you, Ben.
Please go back to sleep.
" Good.
So problem solved.
You should not have done that, Larry.
We're supposed to be a team on this.
Remember you're Pippen, I'm Jordan? Yeah, yeah, maybe in backwards town.
All this over a pub quiz, Larry? It's not about the pub quiz, Ben.
Okay? I'm done.
Life is too short to chase this dude around for another five weeks.
What is five weeks? You spent five months chasing that girl from the Laundromat around.
And without getting too graphic, that girl changed my sexual appetite for life.
Forget about this guy, Ben.
He's bad news, okay? Listen, you are gonna feel better tonight when you are sipping beer out of the pub quiz championship cup.
I'm not coming to the pub quiz tonight, okay? I am gonna go finish the job that we started.
What do you mean you're not coming to the pub quiz? We're a team.
That's, um, that's exactly what I thought.
I'm trying to decide between these two earrings, but I don't know if they're trashy enough.
What are you doing? We have Tiffany's young person party, and now that I have the skin of a 20-something, I'm actually excited about going.
I just don't really feel like it, but you should totally go.
What? I can't go by myself.
I'm gonna be doing all my weird dance moves, and I'm gonna need you there to support me.
Come on, Kate.
You wanted to go yesterday, and I'm feeling really good, because I know.
As you mentioned several times today, the massage guy said you looked young.
Porcelain.
You want to know what he told me? Nothing.
Oh, except for that I have a gray hair on my face.
Gray hair.
On face.
Oh, really? That's funny? Oh, come on.
Humiliating stuff like that happens to me all the time.
Like when we go out and you get carded and I don't, or when college kids ask you if you're in their Poli-Sci class and they ask me if I have candy in my purse.
They were drunk.
And wanted candy.
Well, I am sorry if the first time someone thinks I'm the hot one you get so freaked out you're too scared to get off the couch.
Too scared? The only thing I'm scared of is getting sucked into an airplane toilet, and you know that.
I just don't want to go.
Oh, my God.
You are being such a baby.
Get up and get dressed.
Now! Fine.
Jeez.
Bossy.
Let me shave first.
[Laughs.]
My legs.
How long was that? Around 57 seconds.
Oh, I'm losing my edge.
I used to be able to do 1:10, 1:15.
The world record is 19 minutes, 21 seconds.
I think I can get there.
Whoa, whoa, Nat, Nat.
Look, this has been some really impressive breath holding, but, uh, what I've been trying to tell you each time you dive under is that I feel really bad about what happened last night, and I hope that you will still consider giving me a chance to represent you.
I'm not working with your partner.
He yelled at me.
Well, he he's not Really my partner.
Oh, smart move, man.
That guy doesn't present well.
Besides, partners are just bad news.
When I started my company, I had two partners.
Now they're just two more guys who are suing me.
Which is why you need a good law firm.
You know, being alone is the best.
I mean, look at me.
I got money.
I got these two ladies, Kimiko, and And this lady.
Magnificent view.
And I got the view.
What else does a guy need? Those are pretty much the main things.
You know, I like you.
I think I could get used to you being my lawyer.
Well, that is great.
You know, I just happen to have brought all the signing documents with me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, we can get to that later.
You know, I got a few more questions for you anyway.
Maybe we can discuss it tonight.
Maybe we go hit a few clubs.
Uh, sure.
Yeah.
I I guess I could.
Great.
And since Larry's not with us, we might actually meet some women.
You never know where your friendship will truly be tested Sometimes it's on the battlefield, other times it's in a hot tub with a magnificent view.
You know what, Nat, uh On second thought, I really don't want to go to any more clubs or strip bars or model parties.
If you want to sign these things, great.
I would be really glad to work with you.
But I am done chasing you around.
And if you do sign this, you should know that Larry and I are a package deal.
He might not present well, but he is smart and he's loyal, and he knows people better than I ever will.
And, unlike some people, he usually wears pants to a meeting.
Usually.
Can't believe I'm doing this.
If someone says something about my beard, we are leaving.
It's gonna be dark in there.
No one'll even see it.
I'm gonna need to see some I.
D.
Both: Really? How young and hot are we? This might turn out to be a good night after all.
I wasn't even gonna come, but she convinced me.
I did.
I told her it'd be fun.
I don't care.
Go, go, go.
Get out.
Oh, we're just taking a breather.
Yeah, before we do more shots.
I don't care.
Thanks.
Oh, God, that was awful.
I know.
The music's so loud and it smells sticky.
Both: And who has a party on a Sunday? I don't know what's so great about being young anyway if it just means you have to pound red bull and cover your boobs in glitter.
I mean, maybe one gray hair isn't the worst thing in the world.
Oh, if only it were just one.
[Laughs.]
Can we just please go back to our normal bar and drink normal beer and admit that we're old? And wise.
And hairy.
I would love to.
Oh, forgot my credit card.
It was I'll just cancel it.
Oh, all right.
And we're down to our final four teams.
If everybody's ready, the category is the American songbook.
What famous composer wrote both blue skies and white Christmas? Damn it.
Ben's the theatregoer.
Irving Berlin.
Correct.
Point goes to team spitfire.
No, it - How's it going? [Grunts.]
Looks like you're missing your teammate.
No, not in the least, okay? That guy was more like an anchor dragging me down.
Next question.
How many Swiss cantons are there? Come on.
Ben knows all the Swiss stuff.
Spitfire on a little roll.
Uh-uh, distraction.
She distracted me.
Team Shaboom falling behind.
All right, next question.
What is the world record for underwater breath holding? Oh, you got to be kidding me.
19 minutes, 21 seconds.
Correct! Shaboom.
Ooh.
I thought you weren't coming.
Yeah, well, nobody thought Jordan was coming out of retirement, but he did.
- So you're Jordan.
- That's right.
- That.
.
that's fine.
You're my Jordan, all right? By the way, you were right about Nat sax.
What happened? Next question is in the category of sports.
I'll tell you all about it later.
Right now, you and I have a pub quiz to win.
This famous Chicago bull played his college ball at the university of central Arkansas.
Both: Scottie Pippen! Correct! Both: Oh! - We're back.
- Yes! We are back.
[clears throat.]
W ooh.
Hey.
There are no other girls here.
So did you guys win your quiz thingy? No, not yet.
Next question.
What is a group of owls called? Larry, you're the bird guy.
Thank you very much.
A parliament! - Correct! - Oh! Wow, you know about stuff.
Do not fall in love with me, all right? So what's with the outfits on you two? You look like a couple of 20-year-old floozies.
- That's sweet.
- Thank you.
Yeah, you look like a couple of little tramps.
- What? Larry? - No! How is that different from what he said? I In the end, the best friendships don't just pass the test, they nail the test.
And, for the record, I'm Jordan.
Yeah.
Go ahead.
Uh, who was the first man in space? Yuri Gagarin.
Next.
Wow, I would have thought it was Neil Armstrong.
You thought wrong, Kate.
Next.
Okay.
Not sure I like pub quiz Larry.
I'm sorry.
You're right, Kate, okay? You're new.
You haven't been around me and Ben during pub quiz time.
It's a charged atmosphere.
Kind of like the Olympics or world war II, but, you know, bigger.
Oh.
Yeah.
Oh - Ow.
- My back, my back, my back.
I really thought my back would be better today.
Well, you know, that's what happens, Connie.
You know, as the body ages, it takes longer and longer to snap back.
Pretty soon it's easier to count the good days than the bad.
Do you have a bucket list? I do.
Um, go to space, have sex with an alien.
Oh, wait.
That's yours.
I got to stop showing Ben my private things.
You guys okay for drinks? Hi.
What do you recommend? I don't know.
Beer? Beer sounds incredible.
Yeah, I'll take a beer too.
- [Murmurs.]
- Great.
Oh, can I take a peek at your I.
D.
? My I.
D.
? Um, yes, you sure can.
I'll have a beer too.
Yes, I saw the hand signal.
Oh! Well, that's nice.
Connie, your back's just making you feel old.
Also I think your age is making you feel old.
I hope you're feeling better for Tiffany's party on Sunday.
Nothing is gonna make me happier than showing all those 25-year-old girls how hot I look in my new slutty dress.
I don't want to go to Tiffany's party.
Who has a party on a Sunday? That is just your back talking.
I know what we should do.
I got a free day at a spa from one of the tenants.
Why don't we go tomorrow? Mm-mm.
I don't like spas.
The nudity, laying on of hands, John Tesh music.
I love how you women buy into the idea that a day at the spa can reverse the aging process.
Much like the famed fountain of youth which was searched for but never discovered by - Ponce de Leon.
There it is.
Up here.
That is the kind of trivia sharpness that makes us to the pub quiz what Randy Matson is to - Shot-putting.
Bang-a-rang.
Wow.
You guys have become super boring.
I don't think that's what you'll be saying come Sunday when we are crowned pub quiz champions for the fifth consecutive year.
I think that's exactly what we'll be saying.
See, Larry and I are like any of the great historic teams.
You know, Pippen and Jordan.
- Exactly.
- Where I'm Jordan.
- That doesn't make any sense.
Anyway, speaking of pub quiz, you are probably going to think this is bad news, but please let me finish before you say anything.
Nat Sax - Son of a bitch.
.
.
wants to meet with us tomorrow to ask us a couple of questions before he officially retains our firm services.
This guy, he invented this new web browser.
If we land him, it could be huge for our careers.
- Nat Sax is full of it, okay? We met with him five times, and I know for a fact that he's meeting with every other firm in the city.
Guys like him just get off on people chasing him.
As a man who is pursued regularly for obvious reasons, I understand the allure, all right? But this has gone too far.
Yes, Nat might be a little bit flaky, but I I've got a good feeling about it this time, okay? And don't worry.
He said he wants to keep the meeting short.
That's what he said last time, and then I missed my mother's birthday, which was fine, but I care about the pub quiz deeply.
The quiz isn't until 7:00.
We're meeting him at 2:00.
We've got nothing to worry about.
You know what I really like about you guys? I kind of feel like you already mentioned a bunch of stuff.
- For one - Ah, good.
We're back to one.
- You guys have vision.
You work really hard.
When I go off on my tangents, you do your best to follow me.
Plus you look kind of funny.
There's a skinny one and a fat one, and I love that.
So, I guess the only question left is are you guys feeling this too? - Yes.
- Okay.
The skipper is in.
How about Gilligan? - Yes, I, uh, I am in.
Gilligan is way in.
Great.
Well, I'm definitely leaning towards you guys.
It's just something's not feeling perfect.
Not sure what.
Then how do we make it perfect? In the next 20 minutes.
You know what? Nothing's gonna feel perfect in this stuffy office.
Come on, guys.
Is there anywhere else you'd rather be? Well, since you asked, I would aah, no, Nat, there is no place I would rather be.
Our love is volatile, chemical anything but typical I want you badly love you madly I love you madly "Mad Love: S01E09" "Pub Quiz" Original air date 18 April, 2011 So, Nat, one thing I don't think we've mentioned is that our firm is quite useful when it comes to writing up company bylaws.
That's interesting.
I think we need more champagne.
Excuse me, everyone.
Aah, and there that is.
What are we doing? We're wasting time.
We're missing the pub quiz.
Larry, relax.
We are this close, okay? Can you just grit your teeth and try, if you can, to suffer through all of this free food and scantily-clad women who don't speak a word of English.
Ladies.
- Hi.
Hello.
- And this magnificent city view, okay? I love that for you that the magnificent view is always the topper.
Listen, Ben, I want this guy's business as bad as you do, okay? But I want it during regular office hours.
Well, we can't just tell him that.
No, obviously not.
That's why when he comes back I'm gonna fake a chlorine allergy and puke in the hot tub.
It's not gonna be hard, man.
I've had a ton of shrimp, and it's really hot in here.
I don't know why I let you talk me into this.
Oh, Connie, trust me, this massage is gonna blow you away.
Every square inch of you is gonna get kneaded and prodded and pressed and pummelled and pounded.
But in a nice way.
Or maybe I'll skip my massage and spend more time drinking spa water.
Mm.
Cucumbery.
That's not weird at all.
[Sighs.]
Will you relax? You're gonna love this.
They told me Terry is the best.
She better be.
You're a guy.
I like to think so.
So you can hang your robe here and then you can lay down face down on the table, and I'll be back in a moment.
Okay.
No.
[Groans.]
God.
Oh, God.
Oh Oh.
Still in the robe.
The truth is, Terry, I'm just a teeny bit self-conscious about all this.
That's totally understandable, but if it makes you feel any better, I've been doing this a long time and I've seen a lot of things, and you have nothing to worry about.
That sounds reassuring in theory, but you haven't seen me yet.
And what if you use my old, disgusting body to reassure other clients that they're not old and disgusting? What do you mean "if"? They told me you already signed the release.
Fine.
I'll take it off.
Get out.
Wow.
When you said you like shrimp, I thought you meant like a normal person.
How have you not thrown up yet? I don't know.
[Clears throat.]
So, um, going on with our plan.
I don't care about your presentation.
Okay.
Today is all about getting to know you guys.
You know, the real yous.
Like what would you be doing if you weren't here with me? Pub quiz.
We'd be at pub quiz right now.
- Evaluating your tax exemption status.
Larry, our client certainly doesn't need to know.
No, pub quiz sounds awesome, whatever that is.
I'm in.
That is what I'm talking about.
And that is not what I'm talking about.
Oh Good, right? Oh, my My back is like, "wow," my feet are like, "ah," and my arms are like, "yeah.
" Somebody's body is talking up a storm, and you know what? I like what it's saying.
And Terry said that he thought I was in my mid-20s, because my skin was porcelain.
Which I'm sure he says to everyone.
Which I'm sure he says to no one, con.
You're beautiful and young and vibrant.
And just because I sound like a shampoo commercial doesn't make it any less true.
Okay, teams.
Monroe's annual pub quiz is about to begin.
Who's ready? - Yeah! All right, this is it.
This is it, buddy.
This is everything we've worked for, okay? We do a lot of lawyer stuff too.
Computer science is the first category.
Uh-oh.
Look out.
Computer science is my thing.
The letters HTML stand for what? We're dead.
Calm down, okay? We can figure this out.
You always panic.
- Okay, I'm not panicking.
Let's break it out.
Okay, Internet.
It's an Internet thing.
Starts with an "H.
" About, uh Internet.
"Hinternet.
" Yes, Larry, it's "Hinternet.
" [Clears throat.]
Oh, that's right.
You're a computer guy.
You must know this, right, Nat? - I do.
- Awesome.
Can you tell us? This is really what you guys do in your free time? I mean, there's, like, two girls here, and I'm pretty sure they're together.
No, this is just a once-a-year kind of thing.
We don't take it very seriously.
We need this, Nat.
Everything is riding on it.
Fine.
Here's a hint.
The first word in HTML begins with an "H.
" That's oh.
Oh, you know what? You know what? I got it! Hypertext Mark-up Language.
Correct.
Point for Team Shaboom.
Oh, yeah! Yeah! Yep.
Those girls are definitely together.
Okay, just try and relax.
You did such a great job on my friend Connie, by the way.
She was, like, glowing when she got out of here.
Oh, Connie.
She's really lovely.
Mm-hmm.
She has the skin of an 18-year-old.
We're the same age, actually.
Yeah.
We really like to take care of ourselves, you know.
Stay out of the sun and eat the right foods, moisturize.
Yeah.
Oh, wow.
What is it? Oh, nothing.
You just got a hair growing out of your chin.
Wow.
It looks like a pig's tail.
A little gray pig's tail.
What article of clothing was invented by designer Mary Quant? Oh, the miniskirt! Womankind's greatest achievement.
Correct.
Another point for Team Shaboom.
Okay, so what do you say, guys? How about we bust a move? Uh, no, how about we don't? First off, because nobody's done that since the '90s, and second of all, because we're in the lead.
It should be just a couple more minutes, Nat, if you can hang in there.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Look, we should probably wrap it up, Larry.
I mean, we can make up ground tomorrow night in round two.
Are you out of your mind? We're on a roll.
He is close to signing, Larry.
I can feel it.
The next question is in the category of food and leisure.
Food and leisure, those are my two things.
Okay, seriously, guys, I have exceeded my lame quotient for tonight.
What is the Japanese word for the fifth taste? Client wants to go, Larry.
We should probably hit it.
No, no, no, no.
I know this, man.
It's, uh, uh, Tsunami.
Origami.
- It doesn't matter, Larry.
- Aah, Umami.
Team Shaboom is going with Mr.
Miyagi.
Incorrect.
- Umami.
- Point to Team Frodo.
No! I Oh, man.
Check that out.
You knew that one.
Dude, why didn't you call it out? You know what? You're a jackass.
- Larr Larry.
- No, no, no, no, Ben, this guy's been jerking us around for five weeks now.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Oh, whoa, whoa.
You're late for every meeting.
You don't answer your phone.
You have the audacity to serve shrimp without shrimp cocktail sauce.
I can put up with a lot of stuff, but one thing I won't put up with is somebody messing with my pub quiz.
So if you want to go that badly, do us all a favour and go! Nat, he doesn't mean any No, no, no, it's cool.
Totally got all the information I needed on you guys.
I'm gonna call your bosses tomorrow and let them know how this little meeting went.
[Sighs.]
You're welcome.
Potato pancake? No, Larry, I don't want a potato pancake.
There's applesauce.
It's organic.
I just got off the phone with the partners.
They wanted to know why Nat Sax says he's not gonna sign.
Well, did you tell 'em it's because Nat Sax is an entitled, obnoxious jackass? Yes, Larry, that is exactly what I said.
And then they said, "Oh, we didn't realize.
"So sorry to disturb you, Ben.
Please go back to sleep.
" Good.
So problem solved.
You should not have done that, Larry.
We're supposed to be a team on this.
Remember you're Pippen, I'm Jordan? Yeah, yeah, maybe in backwards town.
All this over a pub quiz, Larry? It's not about the pub quiz, Ben.
Okay? I'm done.
Life is too short to chase this dude around for another five weeks.
What is five weeks? You spent five months chasing that girl from the Laundromat around.
And without getting too graphic, that girl changed my sexual appetite for life.
Forget about this guy, Ben.
He's bad news, okay? Listen, you are gonna feel better tonight when you are sipping beer out of the pub quiz championship cup.
I'm not coming to the pub quiz tonight, okay? I am gonna go finish the job that we started.
What do you mean you're not coming to the pub quiz? We're a team.
That's, um, that's exactly what I thought.
I'm trying to decide between these two earrings, but I don't know if they're trashy enough.
What are you doing? We have Tiffany's young person party, and now that I have the skin of a 20-something, I'm actually excited about going.
I just don't really feel like it, but you should totally go.
What? I can't go by myself.
I'm gonna be doing all my weird dance moves, and I'm gonna need you there to support me.
Come on, Kate.
You wanted to go yesterday, and I'm feeling really good, because I know.
As you mentioned several times today, the massage guy said you looked young.
Porcelain.
You want to know what he told me? Nothing.
Oh, except for that I have a gray hair on my face.
Gray hair.
On face.
Oh, really? That's funny? Oh, come on.
Humiliating stuff like that happens to me all the time.
Like when we go out and you get carded and I don't, or when college kids ask you if you're in their Poli-Sci class and they ask me if I have candy in my purse.
They were drunk.
And wanted candy.
Well, I am sorry if the first time someone thinks I'm the hot one you get so freaked out you're too scared to get off the couch.
Too scared? The only thing I'm scared of is getting sucked into an airplane toilet, and you know that.
I just don't want to go.
Oh, my God.
You are being such a baby.
Get up and get dressed.
Now! Fine.
Jeez.
Bossy.
Let me shave first.
[Laughs.]
My legs.
How long was that? Around 57 seconds.
Oh, I'm losing my edge.
I used to be able to do 1:10, 1:15.
The world record is 19 minutes, 21 seconds.
I think I can get there.
Whoa, whoa, Nat, Nat.
Look, this has been some really impressive breath holding, but, uh, what I've been trying to tell you each time you dive under is that I feel really bad about what happened last night, and I hope that you will still consider giving me a chance to represent you.
I'm not working with your partner.
He yelled at me.
Well, he he's not Really my partner.
Oh, smart move, man.
That guy doesn't present well.
Besides, partners are just bad news.
When I started my company, I had two partners.
Now they're just two more guys who are suing me.
Which is why you need a good law firm.
You know, being alone is the best.
I mean, look at me.
I got money.
I got these two ladies, Kimiko, and And this lady.
Magnificent view.
And I got the view.
What else does a guy need? Those are pretty much the main things.
You know, I like you.
I think I could get used to you being my lawyer.
Well, that is great.
You know, I just happen to have brought all the signing documents with me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, we can get to that later.
You know, I got a few more questions for you anyway.
Maybe we can discuss it tonight.
Maybe we go hit a few clubs.
Uh, sure.
Yeah.
I I guess I could.
Great.
And since Larry's not with us, we might actually meet some women.
You never know where your friendship will truly be tested Sometimes it's on the battlefield, other times it's in a hot tub with a magnificent view.
You know what, Nat, uh On second thought, I really don't want to go to any more clubs or strip bars or model parties.
If you want to sign these things, great.
I would be really glad to work with you.
But I am done chasing you around.
And if you do sign this, you should know that Larry and I are a package deal.
He might not present well, but he is smart and he's loyal, and he knows people better than I ever will.
And, unlike some people, he usually wears pants to a meeting.
Usually.
Can't believe I'm doing this.
If someone says something about my beard, we are leaving.
It's gonna be dark in there.
No one'll even see it.
I'm gonna need to see some I.
D.
Both: Really? How young and hot are we? This might turn out to be a good night after all.
I wasn't even gonna come, but she convinced me.
I did.
I told her it'd be fun.
I don't care.
Go, go, go.
Get out.
Oh, we're just taking a breather.
Yeah, before we do more shots.
I don't care.
Thanks.
Oh, God, that was awful.
I know.
The music's so loud and it smells sticky.
Both: And who has a party on a Sunday? I don't know what's so great about being young anyway if it just means you have to pound red bull and cover your boobs in glitter.
I mean, maybe one gray hair isn't the worst thing in the world.
Oh, if only it were just one.
[Laughs.]
Can we just please go back to our normal bar and drink normal beer and admit that we're old? And wise.
And hairy.
I would love to.
Oh, forgot my credit card.
It was I'll just cancel it.
Oh, all right.
And we're down to our final four teams.
If everybody's ready, the category is the American songbook.
What famous composer wrote both blue skies and white Christmas? Damn it.
Ben's the theatregoer.
Irving Berlin.
Correct.
Point goes to team spitfire.
No, it - How's it going? [Grunts.]
Looks like you're missing your teammate.
No, not in the least, okay? That guy was more like an anchor dragging me down.
Next question.
How many Swiss cantons are there? Come on.
Ben knows all the Swiss stuff.
Spitfire on a little roll.
Uh-uh, distraction.
She distracted me.
Team Shaboom falling behind.
All right, next question.
What is the world record for underwater breath holding? Oh, you got to be kidding me.
19 minutes, 21 seconds.
Correct! Shaboom.
Ooh.
I thought you weren't coming.
Yeah, well, nobody thought Jordan was coming out of retirement, but he did.
- So you're Jordan.
- That's right.
- That.
.
that's fine.
You're my Jordan, all right? By the way, you were right about Nat sax.
What happened? Next question is in the category of sports.
I'll tell you all about it later.
Right now, you and I have a pub quiz to win.
This famous Chicago bull played his college ball at the university of central Arkansas.
Both: Scottie Pippen! Correct! Both: Oh! - We're back.
- Yes! We are back.
[clears throat.]
W ooh.
Hey.
There are no other girls here.
So did you guys win your quiz thingy? No, not yet.
Next question.
What is a group of owls called? Larry, you're the bird guy.
Thank you very much.
A parliament! - Correct! - Oh! Wow, you know about stuff.
Do not fall in love with me, all right? So what's with the outfits on you two? You look like a couple of 20-year-old floozies.
- That's sweet.
- Thank you.
Yeah, you look like a couple of little tramps.
- What? Larry? - No! How is that different from what he said? I In the end, the best friendships don't just pass the test, they nail the test.
And, for the record, I'm Jordan.