Man Up (2011) s01e09 Episode Script
Camping
Okay, we're gonna sneak up on this castle, so don't attack this ogre.
Oh, man, I accidentally shrunk myself with the orb of shrinking.
Ugh.
I wish we could stop playing this game.
I'm sucking! Well, "badass 2" comes out in 36 hours, and that is gonna be (All) Badass! 2! I'm sorry.
I thought we were doing the whole name.
You guys got everything you need to camp out in line tomorrow night? Beer, me yep, I'm good.
Dibs on the health pack.
Rock, paper, scissors, go! Paper.
You? Paper.
Go again.
You guys can't see each other.
Why don't you just lie? Uh, because that would be wrong, Will.
(Video game playing indistinctly) But actually, looking at my hand again, I realize that I have scissors.
Oh, yeah, and I realize I have rock.
Ah, my mistake.
I have paper.
Ha.
That's so weird.
I have scissors.
And I have rock.
Paper.
Scissors.
All right! Now I see why lying doesn't work.
all right, stove check, sleeping bag check, white noise machine check.
What am I missing? The irony that you're an adult camping out in a parking lot to buy a children's game? Hmm.
It seems I have two white noise machines.
Hmm.
Which one shall I leave behind? I'll be back in 20 minutes.
I'm just gonna run to price best to get the apple juice for the soccer team tomorrow.
I told you, I'll get the apple juice.
I'm gonna be at price best for the next 12 hours.
I just wanna make sure it's the right kind.
The soccer moms are still mad at me about the trail mix incident.
(Horn honks) Oh.
Nathan, Scott's mom is here! Theresa, I know what apple juice to get.
6-ounce, glass bottles, no sugar.
And organic.
Well, of course organic.
What am I, a monster? I'm not sure I deserve this sleepover since I only got a "b" on the history test.
So you got your first "b.
" It's okay.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
Go have fun.
I hope nobody asks about the Louisiana purchase, or I'll just make a jackass out of myself again.
Hey, Nathan, how's it going? Hey, buddy.
I got a "b" on my history test.
Oh, good for you.
Showboat.
He takes everything so seriously.
He just wants to do a good job, unlike these two, one of whom forgot to wear shoes.
When? Oh.
Now.
Right.
We gotta stop and get my shoes.
(Slap) Gentlemen, thank you for this invitation.
I can already feel the trivialities of modern life fading quietly away.
(Cell phone alert chimes) Son of a! Some butt-cozy just outbid me on a 12-inch C-3PO.
For the past three weeks, the same person has been outbidding me on every action figure I've tried to get.
(Cell phone alert chimes) Oh, come on! They did it again! Just keeps getting harder and harder to be a nerd.
I think I know the person who's doing this, and I think you know who it is, too.
It's Yoo.
Yoo Chang.
The waiter from the chinese restaurant, who I wrongly accused of picking all the chicken out of my Chow Mein.
(Whispers) It's gotta be him.
I'll bet you're right.
It's the only logical explanation.
Come on, Kenny.
Let it go.
We should head out.
And? And organic apple juice.
I will not forget.
(Lowered voice) You guys, I cannot forget that apple juice.
This will be a special night, my friends.
There's nothing like being out in the clean fresh air of The price best parking lot? You said we were going after big game.
No, I said a big game is being released.
I bought a crossbow.
Listen up, nerds.
You will have your hand stamped.
You will need a hand stamp to get this sad, pathetic video game.
Once your hand is stamped, you will not be allowed in the store until this colossal waste of time goes on sale tomorrow morning.
This is to prevent you from hiding in the store all night and cutting in line.
Thank you for your attention.
(Wheels scrape) On a personal note, you all sicken me.
(Whirring) He seems stern but fair.
I bet he's good with horses.
Okay, first things first.
I'm gonna run inside and get the apple juice before they start stamping hands.
I'm gonna find a primo spot in line.
Craig, adventure calls.
I shall bid you farewell and spend the night walking towards that distant star Which might be a plane In which case I'll pick a new thing.
(Chuckles) But this is gonna be so awesome.
I mean, look how into this everybody is.
I just don't get why someone would want to lose themselves in a fantasy world when every moment of real life is so wonderful.
Well, sometimes it's fun to just try on being someone else.
I told you! It's badass.
He was too scared to come over here.
Some things in life are scary, but remember, courage is not the lack of fear.
It's taking action despite that fear.
(Both) Whoa.
I read that on a snapple cap.
Help me move that plant into this ceramic pot.
We're having a party for Lucy's soccer team tomorrow, and there's gonna be 15 judgmental bitches here criticizing every inch of my home.
Easy.
They're just children.
Ooh, watch this.
Somewhere, Kenny is about to scream.
Ha ha! Oh, come on, Brenda.
Give my brother a break.
I am teaching him responsibility.
A full-grown man should not be spending $280 for a doll of a robot.
When you call him a "cave troll" to his face and he calls you a "swamp donkey," it seems fair.
But anonymously attacking him through the Internet just seems cruel.
Oh, Theresa, I'm not cruel.
(Grunting) (Straining voice) Man! This thing's heavier than Kenny.
Thank God it's not on top of me, sweating.
See? What is that? He's not even here.
Well, then tell him I said it.
You really should ease up, Brenda.
And you really should stop telling people what to do, Theresa.
Well, some people need to be told what to do.
Ohh! Jeez, if I wanted to be tipsy and yelled at, I'd go to my parents' house.
Well, fine.
Then go.
(Both grunt) Fine.
I will Soon as I get my hands out of this pot.
Take your hands out so I can get mine out.
I can't.
I'm stuck, too.
Hi.
My name is Kelly.
(Both) Dibs.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Go! (Whispers) Damn.
(Both, lowered voices) Rock, paper, scissors, go.
(Normal voice) I have scissors.
(Normal voice) I have rock.
And I have paper.
I have scissors.
And I have rock.
Don't I get a say in who wins me? That's a great idea.
You choose.
(Exhales deeply) (High-pitched voice) Hmm? Thump each other's junk.
I'm sorry.
Thump Ohh! He wins.
Yes! Ha! In your face! I win! No, totally unfair.
That was a very confusing request! The rules were not made clear.
If she had said, "we're going to have a race," and here's the goal, I would have gotten ready to thump your junk.
I would have been laser-focused on your junk.
(High-pitched voice) Ha ha! (Normal voice) Whatever, dude.
The hot girl is mine.
So you think I'm supposed to go with her, or Who knows? Apparently we're just embracing anarchy now.
Freak shows and outcasts, you will now receive a stamp.
Do not lick it.
It is purple, but it is not flavored like grape.
(Mouths words) (Bottles clink) (Ringtone plays on cell phone) (Gasps) Oh, that's Will! Aah! Will! We are trapped in a pot! Oh, yeah, 'cause that's definitely how phones work.
Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I got the apple juice, and, yes, it's organic.
No pesticide has soiled the precious fruit from which this nectar has been extracted.
So next time, I hope you won't question my ability to crap! No, hey! That's my apple juice.
Oh, dude, this place is like Woodstock.
Everyone shares.
Would you like some cotton candy? Virgins and basement dwellers, once you have received your hand stamp, you will not be allowed into the store under any circumstances.
(Whirring) Oh, crap.
So after the war was over, badass dedicated himself to ridding the jungles of drug cartels? And finding out who killed his dog.
Oh, right.
Homer.
He loved that trusty mutt.
Attention, unloved bog creatures, you will now receive a stamp.
Hey! I don't like the way you talk to these people.
Each one of these fat, little nerds is a human being.
Well, you could have fooled me.
(Gasps) Wow.
Y-you defended us, just like badass would have.
Here.
Yes.
This feels right.
(Men) Whoa.
Hey, Will.
If you and Kenny were interviewing for the same job, and out of the blue, the interviewer said, "thump his junk," would you think that was a race? No, I'd think I don't want to work for a company that interviews people like that.
(Scoffs) Hey, did you get your hand stamped yet? Yes, I did.
Damn it! I told Theresa I was gonna get that juice, and now that jackass won't let me back in the store.
It's 11:00.
Nothing else is open, and she's gonna kill me.
Well, at least you knew the rules with what you were doing.
My night has been absolute chaos.
I've had my genitals thumped, I did not care for that organic apple juice, and some guy in a garbage bag threw a hot dog at me.
That's Nathan.
No, this guy was in his 70s.
No, over there.
That's Nathan.
(Gasps) He said he was spending the night at a friend's.
He's never lied to me before.
Hey, remember that time my dad saw us at the quarry, and he had his buddies dressed up as cops and scared the hell out of us? We should do that.
We don't have to do the part where they made us dig our own graves.
Good idea.
Scare 'em straight.
By the way, I still feel bad that I begged them to kill you first.
Water under the bridge, buddy.
Here.
Hello.
(Metal rattles) I'm the gentleman who thumped another gentleman's junk with lightning speed, I might add.
(Pops lips) And I'd like to claim my prize.
There is no prize.
But I went knuckles-deep in my friend's squishy bits.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
Did that feel degrading? Like when two people play rock, paper, scissors for another human being? Ohh.
I don't have time for this.
I've gotta get enough of your geek brethren to buy this energy drink so I can make rent.
Wait.
Wait.
I'm sorry.
Let me make it up to you.
I'm a salesman.
I can help you sell this stuff.
Oh, I doubt it.
It tastes like something that leaked out of an elephant.
Doesn't matter.
It's not about the product.
It's about making the customer think they need the product.
Like right now I'm making you think you need me.
It's a bad example, because you do need me.
Or do you? The answer is You do.
Or do you? (High-pitched, singsong voice) Hello! (Normal voice) Talk about a brain blast.
(High-pitched voice) What? (Imitates explosion) (Imitates splat) Ugh! Ohh.
Will you stop sighing every 15 seconds, please? (Mocking voice) Please stop sighing every 15 seconds.
You are a third grader.
I am not a third grader.
Well, you tease my brother like one.
You also sometimes say "liberry" and "glove department.
" It is the department where your gloves would be found.
Oh, my God! I have gotta get away from you.
Wait.
What about Lucy? She's at a sleepover.
(Sighs) Okay, try and get my cell phone out of my pocket.
Uhh! Ow! Easy with the teeth! Wow, you and Kenny really are related.
Ugh.
So I want all of you to believe in yourselves, even if your parents have pretty much given up on you.
Here, sir.
I made this shotgun out of a mop.
(Click) (Cheering) Hey, grant.
Nathan's here, and I wanna teach him a lesson.
We need disguises.
Much like my video game persona, I believe in teaching moral lessons to the youth of America.
You two Give them your clothes.
So we draw Nathan into a conversation.
We get him to admit that he lied to his parents, and then we scare the pants off him to make sure he never does it again.
Yeah, and then we tell 'em to dig their own graves.
We're not doing that, all right, but that is the part we still talk about.
(Speaking inaudibly) (Irish brogue) Ah, what have we got here? Couple of laddies up to no good, eh? (Under breath) What are you doing? (Normal voice, under breath) I'm sorry.
(Deep voice) So, boys, your parents know where you are? No! No, they don't.
It was Scott's idea.
Well, look how quickly the keens give up their friends.
I'm a liar.
I-I-I lied to my parents.
I'm a terrible person.
I I don't know.
(Hyperventilating) Easy kid.
Calm down.
It's not like you crashed the real estate market.
I'm calling my dad.
I gotta come clean.
Uh, no, no, no, no, no.
Don't call your dad.
Uh, I-I think you learned your lesson.
(Cell phone ringing) Uh oh, well, I'm getting a coincidental call, so, uh, I gotta Dad? Uh (Bang) All of you! Get on your knees! You're gonna dig your own graves.
Craig! I'm just trying to make it memorable.
First I get a "b" on my test, then I sneak out at night.
What's the matter with me? Nathan, what you did was wrong, but you're a good kid, and your mom's right.
You've gotta lighten up a little, not take everything so seriously.
You take things seriously.
Oh.
(Scoffs) Me? Me? Yeah, you're right.
I do.
I take things very seriously.
Like tonight, instead of having fun, I've been driving myself crazy trying to get apple juice for your mom's soccer party.
But you know what? Not anymore.
Tonight you're not gonna worry about grades or lying, and I'm not gonna worry about that apple juice.
Actually, no.
I have got to get that apple juice.
Is is your hand stamped? Yeah, but there's a way that you can sneak in through the garden center.
I did that to use the bathrooms.
Those porta-potties are egregious.
Show me.
The garden center, not the porta-potties.
(Coughs) What is this stuff? It's gamer fuel, specifically formulated to help gamers sharpen their senses and heighten their motor skills.
It tastes like a fish barfed.
No, it doesn't.
(Exhales deeply) What is that freshness? Wonderful juice! You know what? Never mind.
You clearly can't handle this.
Let's go find some gamers who are serious about taking this to the next level.
See ya, poseurs.
Wait! We're serious gamers.
Don't you waste my time.
So when we get to the basement door, we'll just hang it over the top of the stairs and let it slip off.
Oh.
Oh, let me guess.
You have a list of reasons why my idea is bad.
Nope.
Not allowed to make any suggestions that could possibly help improve your life.
So let's just try your stupid, dangerous, ill-conceived idea.
Hey, Theresa, guess which finger I'm holding up in this pot.
Ahh! (Both grunting) Oh, yeah, this is gonna work.
Trust me.
I'm a nurse.
You need to learn that that's not relevant to every situation, Brenda.
Ready? One, two (Both scream) (Thud, crashing) (Panting) Okay.
Now it's relevant that you're a nurse.
Uhh! We gotta stay low here and make a left at the succulents.
Go.
Aah! (Spits) (Lowered voice) What are you doing here? Think I'd let you do this alone? You're in my world now.
No.
I was here last Saturday.
I needed a fern for my bathroom.
(Whirring) (Thud) Ohh! (Grunts) Jeez! Oh! The eye patch kills your depth perception.
(Whirring) There's that security guard.
(Whirring continues) I think he saw us! We should go, we should go, we should go, we should go, we should go.
Dad, if you guys create a diversion, I think I can sneak through there and get to the apple juice.
Nathan, that's suicide, or at least very difficult.
I know you're in here.
You are surrounded by security cameras which may or may not be on due to cost-cutting measures.
Dad, it's the only way.
Tell mom I love her.
(Inhales deeply) Just get that apple juice.
Wait.
(Click) I don't want you to slip.
Make sure it's organic, in 6-ounce bottles.
The future of our family depends on it! (High-pitched voice) Caw-caw! Caw-caw! Caw-caw! Caw-caw! What the hell was that? A diversion.
(Roars in slow-motion voice) (Thud) (Muzak playing) (Coughing) What the hell was that? Why would you tackle us? No, no, I agree.
I got carried away.
I ripped my pants.
These were my mother's pants.
Oh, they were a gift from my mother, but still, it's upsetting.
Yeah.
I don't know what I was thinking.
You do know this is a costume, right? I'm really disappointed in myself.
I think I gotta lie down somewhere.
I think I don't I think there's something wrong.
Ooh! Ooh, ooh! I think enough feeling has come back to my hands that I can pick up my glass of wine! Look at that.
Oh! Maybe I should just knock mine onto the table and lap it up.
It's not like I haven't done that before.
(Laughs) Okay, I admit, maybe I am guilty sometimes of telling you what to do.
That pause was so that you could cop to something you're guilty of.
Okay.
I'm just worried that if things with you and Kenny got really bad, he's family, so if I ever had to choose sides I get it.
It's just he's so darn tortureable.
(Sighs) I mean, he is a 36-year-old man afraid of ghosts.
But I'll lay off him A little.
Thank you.
And I'll stop telling you what to do.
(Chuckles) If you stop pretending to see ghosts around Kenny.
(Clink) I never should have let him go alone.
(Sighs) Hey! Come on! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Yes! Hey! (All) Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no! You forgot your change, sweetie.
Thanks.
(Laughs) (Laughs) That was so much fun.
Oh, I'm proud of you, Nate.
I need more brain blast.
Actually, that's it.
You sold it all.
Oh.
Uh So I guess I'll just Take off then? I really appreciate your help.
Thanks.
Bye.
Okay.
Hi! I'm Kim.
Are to try a sample of the hot, new energy drink? Hey, Kim.
I got dibs on that guy.
Okay.
You can call me.
Really? Oh, my heart is racing.
But it might just be from that poison-in-a-can we've been selling.
No, it's you.
(Beep) Attention, morons and human compost.
These three gentlemen are guilty of sneaking into the garden center.
They will now come with me and be retained for the remainder of the evening.
What if we don't wanna come with you? Then I shall insist again in a harsher tone.
You have no power, do you? No, no, no.
Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup.
(Under breath) Don't do that.
Seriously.
Please? You know what I'm saying? Not a good idea.
We're cool, right? No, we're not cool! All night, you have been a complete (Loudly) It is settled, then! We have reached an agreement.
I will bestow mercy upon them and let them off with a written warning.
This is a blank "mad libs" sheet.
Oh, man, I accidentally shrunk myself with the orb of shrinking.
Ugh.
I wish we could stop playing this game.
I'm sucking! Well, "badass 2" comes out in 36 hours, and that is gonna be (All) Badass! 2! I'm sorry.
I thought we were doing the whole name.
You guys got everything you need to camp out in line tomorrow night? Beer, me yep, I'm good.
Dibs on the health pack.
Rock, paper, scissors, go! Paper.
You? Paper.
Go again.
You guys can't see each other.
Why don't you just lie? Uh, because that would be wrong, Will.
(Video game playing indistinctly) But actually, looking at my hand again, I realize that I have scissors.
Oh, yeah, and I realize I have rock.
Ah, my mistake.
I have paper.
Ha.
That's so weird.
I have scissors.
And I have rock.
Paper.
Scissors.
All right! Now I see why lying doesn't work.
all right, stove check, sleeping bag check, white noise machine check.
What am I missing? The irony that you're an adult camping out in a parking lot to buy a children's game? Hmm.
It seems I have two white noise machines.
Hmm.
Which one shall I leave behind? I'll be back in 20 minutes.
I'm just gonna run to price best to get the apple juice for the soccer team tomorrow.
I told you, I'll get the apple juice.
I'm gonna be at price best for the next 12 hours.
I just wanna make sure it's the right kind.
The soccer moms are still mad at me about the trail mix incident.
(Horn honks) Oh.
Nathan, Scott's mom is here! Theresa, I know what apple juice to get.
6-ounce, glass bottles, no sugar.
And organic.
Well, of course organic.
What am I, a monster? I'm not sure I deserve this sleepover since I only got a "b" on the history test.
So you got your first "b.
" It's okay.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
Go have fun.
I hope nobody asks about the Louisiana purchase, or I'll just make a jackass out of myself again.
Hey, Nathan, how's it going? Hey, buddy.
I got a "b" on my history test.
Oh, good for you.
Showboat.
He takes everything so seriously.
He just wants to do a good job, unlike these two, one of whom forgot to wear shoes.
When? Oh.
Now.
Right.
We gotta stop and get my shoes.
(Slap) Gentlemen, thank you for this invitation.
I can already feel the trivialities of modern life fading quietly away.
(Cell phone alert chimes) Son of a! Some butt-cozy just outbid me on a 12-inch C-3PO.
For the past three weeks, the same person has been outbidding me on every action figure I've tried to get.
(Cell phone alert chimes) Oh, come on! They did it again! Just keeps getting harder and harder to be a nerd.
I think I know the person who's doing this, and I think you know who it is, too.
It's Yoo.
Yoo Chang.
The waiter from the chinese restaurant, who I wrongly accused of picking all the chicken out of my Chow Mein.
(Whispers) It's gotta be him.
I'll bet you're right.
It's the only logical explanation.
Come on, Kenny.
Let it go.
We should head out.
And? And organic apple juice.
I will not forget.
(Lowered voice) You guys, I cannot forget that apple juice.
This will be a special night, my friends.
There's nothing like being out in the clean fresh air of The price best parking lot? You said we were going after big game.
No, I said a big game is being released.
I bought a crossbow.
Listen up, nerds.
You will have your hand stamped.
You will need a hand stamp to get this sad, pathetic video game.
Once your hand is stamped, you will not be allowed in the store until this colossal waste of time goes on sale tomorrow morning.
This is to prevent you from hiding in the store all night and cutting in line.
Thank you for your attention.
(Wheels scrape) On a personal note, you all sicken me.
(Whirring) He seems stern but fair.
I bet he's good with horses.
Okay, first things first.
I'm gonna run inside and get the apple juice before they start stamping hands.
I'm gonna find a primo spot in line.
Craig, adventure calls.
I shall bid you farewell and spend the night walking towards that distant star Which might be a plane In which case I'll pick a new thing.
(Chuckles) But this is gonna be so awesome.
I mean, look how into this everybody is.
I just don't get why someone would want to lose themselves in a fantasy world when every moment of real life is so wonderful.
Well, sometimes it's fun to just try on being someone else.
I told you! It's badass.
He was too scared to come over here.
Some things in life are scary, but remember, courage is not the lack of fear.
It's taking action despite that fear.
(Both) Whoa.
I read that on a snapple cap.
Help me move that plant into this ceramic pot.
We're having a party for Lucy's soccer team tomorrow, and there's gonna be 15 judgmental bitches here criticizing every inch of my home.
Easy.
They're just children.
Ooh, watch this.
Somewhere, Kenny is about to scream.
Ha ha! Oh, come on, Brenda.
Give my brother a break.
I am teaching him responsibility.
A full-grown man should not be spending $280 for a doll of a robot.
When you call him a "cave troll" to his face and he calls you a "swamp donkey," it seems fair.
But anonymously attacking him through the Internet just seems cruel.
Oh, Theresa, I'm not cruel.
(Grunting) (Straining voice) Man! This thing's heavier than Kenny.
Thank God it's not on top of me, sweating.
See? What is that? He's not even here.
Well, then tell him I said it.
You really should ease up, Brenda.
And you really should stop telling people what to do, Theresa.
Well, some people need to be told what to do.
Ohh! Jeez, if I wanted to be tipsy and yelled at, I'd go to my parents' house.
Well, fine.
Then go.
(Both grunt) Fine.
I will Soon as I get my hands out of this pot.
Take your hands out so I can get mine out.
I can't.
I'm stuck, too.
Hi.
My name is Kelly.
(Both) Dibs.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Go! (Whispers) Damn.
(Both, lowered voices) Rock, paper, scissors, go.
(Normal voice) I have scissors.
(Normal voice) I have rock.
And I have paper.
I have scissors.
And I have rock.
Don't I get a say in who wins me? That's a great idea.
You choose.
(Exhales deeply) (High-pitched voice) Hmm? Thump each other's junk.
I'm sorry.
Thump Ohh! He wins.
Yes! Ha! In your face! I win! No, totally unfair.
That was a very confusing request! The rules were not made clear.
If she had said, "we're going to have a race," and here's the goal, I would have gotten ready to thump your junk.
I would have been laser-focused on your junk.
(High-pitched voice) Ha ha! (Normal voice) Whatever, dude.
The hot girl is mine.
So you think I'm supposed to go with her, or Who knows? Apparently we're just embracing anarchy now.
Freak shows and outcasts, you will now receive a stamp.
Do not lick it.
It is purple, but it is not flavored like grape.
(Mouths words) (Bottles clink) (Ringtone plays on cell phone) (Gasps) Oh, that's Will! Aah! Will! We are trapped in a pot! Oh, yeah, 'cause that's definitely how phones work.
Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I got the apple juice, and, yes, it's organic.
No pesticide has soiled the precious fruit from which this nectar has been extracted.
So next time, I hope you won't question my ability to crap! No, hey! That's my apple juice.
Oh, dude, this place is like Woodstock.
Everyone shares.
Would you like some cotton candy? Virgins and basement dwellers, once you have received your hand stamp, you will not be allowed into the store under any circumstances.
(Whirring) Oh, crap.
So after the war was over, badass dedicated himself to ridding the jungles of drug cartels? And finding out who killed his dog.
Oh, right.
Homer.
He loved that trusty mutt.
Attention, unloved bog creatures, you will now receive a stamp.
Hey! I don't like the way you talk to these people.
Each one of these fat, little nerds is a human being.
Well, you could have fooled me.
(Gasps) Wow.
Y-you defended us, just like badass would have.
Here.
Yes.
This feels right.
(Men) Whoa.
Hey, Will.
If you and Kenny were interviewing for the same job, and out of the blue, the interviewer said, "thump his junk," would you think that was a race? No, I'd think I don't want to work for a company that interviews people like that.
(Scoffs) Hey, did you get your hand stamped yet? Yes, I did.
Damn it! I told Theresa I was gonna get that juice, and now that jackass won't let me back in the store.
It's 11:00.
Nothing else is open, and she's gonna kill me.
Well, at least you knew the rules with what you were doing.
My night has been absolute chaos.
I've had my genitals thumped, I did not care for that organic apple juice, and some guy in a garbage bag threw a hot dog at me.
That's Nathan.
No, this guy was in his 70s.
No, over there.
That's Nathan.
(Gasps) He said he was spending the night at a friend's.
He's never lied to me before.
Hey, remember that time my dad saw us at the quarry, and he had his buddies dressed up as cops and scared the hell out of us? We should do that.
We don't have to do the part where they made us dig our own graves.
Good idea.
Scare 'em straight.
By the way, I still feel bad that I begged them to kill you first.
Water under the bridge, buddy.
Here.
Hello.
(Metal rattles) I'm the gentleman who thumped another gentleman's junk with lightning speed, I might add.
(Pops lips) And I'd like to claim my prize.
There is no prize.
But I went knuckles-deep in my friend's squishy bits.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
Did that feel degrading? Like when two people play rock, paper, scissors for another human being? Ohh.
I don't have time for this.
I've gotta get enough of your geek brethren to buy this energy drink so I can make rent.
Wait.
Wait.
I'm sorry.
Let me make it up to you.
I'm a salesman.
I can help you sell this stuff.
Oh, I doubt it.
It tastes like something that leaked out of an elephant.
Doesn't matter.
It's not about the product.
It's about making the customer think they need the product.
Like right now I'm making you think you need me.
It's a bad example, because you do need me.
Or do you? The answer is You do.
Or do you? (High-pitched, singsong voice) Hello! (Normal voice) Talk about a brain blast.
(High-pitched voice) What? (Imitates explosion) (Imitates splat) Ugh! Ohh.
Will you stop sighing every 15 seconds, please? (Mocking voice) Please stop sighing every 15 seconds.
You are a third grader.
I am not a third grader.
Well, you tease my brother like one.
You also sometimes say "liberry" and "glove department.
" It is the department where your gloves would be found.
Oh, my God! I have gotta get away from you.
Wait.
What about Lucy? She's at a sleepover.
(Sighs) Okay, try and get my cell phone out of my pocket.
Uhh! Ow! Easy with the teeth! Wow, you and Kenny really are related.
Ugh.
So I want all of you to believe in yourselves, even if your parents have pretty much given up on you.
Here, sir.
I made this shotgun out of a mop.
(Click) (Cheering) Hey, grant.
Nathan's here, and I wanna teach him a lesson.
We need disguises.
Much like my video game persona, I believe in teaching moral lessons to the youth of America.
You two Give them your clothes.
So we draw Nathan into a conversation.
We get him to admit that he lied to his parents, and then we scare the pants off him to make sure he never does it again.
Yeah, and then we tell 'em to dig their own graves.
We're not doing that, all right, but that is the part we still talk about.
(Speaking inaudibly) (Irish brogue) Ah, what have we got here? Couple of laddies up to no good, eh? (Under breath) What are you doing? (Normal voice, under breath) I'm sorry.
(Deep voice) So, boys, your parents know where you are? No! No, they don't.
It was Scott's idea.
Well, look how quickly the keens give up their friends.
I'm a liar.
I-I-I lied to my parents.
I'm a terrible person.
I I don't know.
(Hyperventilating) Easy kid.
Calm down.
It's not like you crashed the real estate market.
I'm calling my dad.
I gotta come clean.
Uh, no, no, no, no, no.
Don't call your dad.
Uh, I-I think you learned your lesson.
(Cell phone ringing) Uh oh, well, I'm getting a coincidental call, so, uh, I gotta Dad? Uh (Bang) All of you! Get on your knees! You're gonna dig your own graves.
Craig! I'm just trying to make it memorable.
First I get a "b" on my test, then I sneak out at night.
What's the matter with me? Nathan, what you did was wrong, but you're a good kid, and your mom's right.
You've gotta lighten up a little, not take everything so seriously.
You take things seriously.
Oh.
(Scoffs) Me? Me? Yeah, you're right.
I do.
I take things very seriously.
Like tonight, instead of having fun, I've been driving myself crazy trying to get apple juice for your mom's soccer party.
But you know what? Not anymore.
Tonight you're not gonna worry about grades or lying, and I'm not gonna worry about that apple juice.
Actually, no.
I have got to get that apple juice.
Is is your hand stamped? Yeah, but there's a way that you can sneak in through the garden center.
I did that to use the bathrooms.
Those porta-potties are egregious.
Show me.
The garden center, not the porta-potties.
(Coughs) What is this stuff? It's gamer fuel, specifically formulated to help gamers sharpen their senses and heighten their motor skills.
It tastes like a fish barfed.
No, it doesn't.
(Exhales deeply) What is that freshness? Wonderful juice! You know what? Never mind.
You clearly can't handle this.
Let's go find some gamers who are serious about taking this to the next level.
See ya, poseurs.
Wait! We're serious gamers.
Don't you waste my time.
So when we get to the basement door, we'll just hang it over the top of the stairs and let it slip off.
Oh.
Oh, let me guess.
You have a list of reasons why my idea is bad.
Nope.
Not allowed to make any suggestions that could possibly help improve your life.
So let's just try your stupid, dangerous, ill-conceived idea.
Hey, Theresa, guess which finger I'm holding up in this pot.
Ahh! (Both grunting) Oh, yeah, this is gonna work.
Trust me.
I'm a nurse.
You need to learn that that's not relevant to every situation, Brenda.
Ready? One, two (Both scream) (Thud, crashing) (Panting) Okay.
Now it's relevant that you're a nurse.
Uhh! We gotta stay low here and make a left at the succulents.
Go.
Aah! (Spits) (Lowered voice) What are you doing here? Think I'd let you do this alone? You're in my world now.
No.
I was here last Saturday.
I needed a fern for my bathroom.
(Whirring) (Thud) Ohh! (Grunts) Jeez! Oh! The eye patch kills your depth perception.
(Whirring) There's that security guard.
(Whirring continues) I think he saw us! We should go, we should go, we should go, we should go, we should go.
Dad, if you guys create a diversion, I think I can sneak through there and get to the apple juice.
Nathan, that's suicide, or at least very difficult.
I know you're in here.
You are surrounded by security cameras which may or may not be on due to cost-cutting measures.
Dad, it's the only way.
Tell mom I love her.
(Inhales deeply) Just get that apple juice.
Wait.
(Click) I don't want you to slip.
Make sure it's organic, in 6-ounce bottles.
The future of our family depends on it! (High-pitched voice) Caw-caw! Caw-caw! Caw-caw! Caw-caw! What the hell was that? A diversion.
(Roars in slow-motion voice) (Thud) (Muzak playing) (Coughing) What the hell was that? Why would you tackle us? No, no, I agree.
I got carried away.
I ripped my pants.
These were my mother's pants.
Oh, they were a gift from my mother, but still, it's upsetting.
Yeah.
I don't know what I was thinking.
You do know this is a costume, right? I'm really disappointed in myself.
I think I gotta lie down somewhere.
I think I don't I think there's something wrong.
Ooh! Ooh, ooh! I think enough feeling has come back to my hands that I can pick up my glass of wine! Look at that.
Oh! Maybe I should just knock mine onto the table and lap it up.
It's not like I haven't done that before.
(Laughs) Okay, I admit, maybe I am guilty sometimes of telling you what to do.
That pause was so that you could cop to something you're guilty of.
Okay.
I'm just worried that if things with you and Kenny got really bad, he's family, so if I ever had to choose sides I get it.
It's just he's so darn tortureable.
(Sighs) I mean, he is a 36-year-old man afraid of ghosts.
But I'll lay off him A little.
Thank you.
And I'll stop telling you what to do.
(Chuckles) If you stop pretending to see ghosts around Kenny.
(Clink) I never should have let him go alone.
(Sighs) Hey! Come on! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Yes! Hey! (All) Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no! You forgot your change, sweetie.
Thanks.
(Laughs) (Laughs) That was so much fun.
Oh, I'm proud of you, Nate.
I need more brain blast.
Actually, that's it.
You sold it all.
Oh.
Uh So I guess I'll just Take off then? I really appreciate your help.
Thanks.
Bye.
Okay.
Hi! I'm Kim.
Are to try a sample of the hot, new energy drink? Hey, Kim.
I got dibs on that guy.
Okay.
You can call me.
Really? Oh, my heart is racing.
But it might just be from that poison-in-a-can we've been selling.
No, it's you.
(Beep) Attention, morons and human compost.
These three gentlemen are guilty of sneaking into the garden center.
They will now come with me and be retained for the remainder of the evening.
What if we don't wanna come with you? Then I shall insist again in a harsher tone.
You have no power, do you? No, no, no.
Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup.
(Under breath) Don't do that.
Seriously.
Please? You know what I'm saying? Not a good idea.
We're cool, right? No, we're not cool! All night, you have been a complete (Loudly) It is settled, then! We have reached an agreement.
I will bestow mercy upon them and let them off with a written warning.
This is a blank "mad libs" sheet.