Maron (2013) s01e09 Episode Script

I'm doing fine.
You know, I mean, I'm working on the road.
I'm playing clubs.
I mean, a lot of guys I start out with, you know, they're performing for the president.
And that doesn't bother you? Like, people that you started out with, they're performing for the president.
Where are you? You're at Hooters in Vegas.
I'm at Hooters.
I left Hooters, and now I'm at knuckleheads and yuk yuk's and the funny bone.
And you're not angry! You're not angry about it.
But you know what? A lot of those guys are doing You know, a lot of them opened up for me.
You know, Ray Romano, Roseanne.
Right.
You had a lot of guys.
Rob Schneider, David Spade.
They're huge.
Yeah, but a lot of these guys fell to the wayside.
A lot of them are doing fine, but a lot of them have a lot of, like, real mental problems.
And you don't have any mental problems.
No, I don't have any mental problems, okay? No, I don't, you know.
I got a great wife.
I got a great daughter and and and And everything's kind of cool.
I mean, I'm almost 60 years old, which doesn't bother me, but my wife's almost 60.
What's going on out there? I got a I'll take care of it.
What's going on? All right, look, it's not it's not What the hell's going on? It's not television.
We'll pick it up in a minute.
What kind of stupid operation is this? All right, all right, all right.
Hey, Jack? Jack? Jack? I'm interviewing someone in the garage.
Can we, uh, work on the fence later? Oh, sure.
No problem.
I can do this any time.
Okay.
Now that I'm retired, it's all I'm doing.
Till I die.
O-okay.
Great.
Oh, maybe you should get yourself one of those on-air lights and put it on my side of the garage.
Are you kidding? 'Cause that's a That's a good idea.
I can install it for you.
'Cause, really, I got nothing to do.
Yeah, we can talk about it.
Okay.
Just let me know when I can get back to avoiding my mortality.
Okay? All right.
Thanks, Jack.
Anything else you need done around the house, you let me know.
I will, Jack.
Yeah, that's just great.
Oh, my god.
What kind of Mickey Mouse thing you got going on here? It's not ideal.
You know, "Hogan's Heroes," when they broadcast out of their bunker under the tree trunk was better than this.
Stop it.
You know, it's like some kind of pirate radio station in Trinidad.
This is unbelievable.
What if what What if What if it'd gone a different direction, Bobby? Is there something other than comedy you might see yourself doing? No, because I'm not a people person.
I don't know if you can tell that.
But, uh But I'm not that bitter.
I'm not that angry, you know.
No, I can feel that.
And for years, I heard that you were more bitter and more angry than I was.
Right.
And now and now I think, you know, you got your podcast.
You're doing well.
So now I think I may be a little more bitter.
So you win.
You're the winner.
I'm the winner! Finally I won at something.
So we can start again.
Okay, so where were we? We were talking about how you're not angry.
I'm not angry, okay?! But I come in here and all of a sudden there's lawn mowers out there.
You can't even get some egg crates and put them on the wall.
I'll get them! I'll get them! You go to home depot, $20.
You can put sound proofing on here.
All right, all right.
You fix the place up.
All right.
But I'm not angry! I know you're not.
You know, I used to do a lot of shows.
I was on conan o'brien's show.
I was on a lot of shows.
They don't have me on anymore, so I became Yeah.
Why is that? I don't know why.
You really don't know why? I got to come broadcast out of a guy's garage.
This is great.
Come home to the same woman after 25 years I-I all right.
I'm exhausted.
I'm exhausted.
I'm drained.
I'm exhausted, too.
This is the dumbest show I've ever done in my life.
Won't fall for it you can't see and you can't tell I just can't drink from the poisoned well what is this? This is These are the wrong buttons.
This is your face.
I-I know, but you were supposed to do the one of me yelling, not the one where I look like an asshole.
Isn't there some kind of overlap here? What's happening with the hat? "My logo," it says Wait.
Wait.
Where are you going? We're in the middle of a transaction.
Lady? Well, I don't even know why you are messing around with these ridiculous buttons to begin with.
This is merch, Andy.
No, no, no.
T-shirts are merch.
Coffee mugs are merch.
R-rush Limbaugh You can buy a replica of that chair he sits in.
Rush limbaugh? Yeah, he makes a chair, and it holds up to 1,000 pounds of hate and bravado.
What do you sell? I sell comedy, Marc.
Oh.
I sell joy.
And I sell wonder.
Aw.
You sell everything but tickets.
Wait.
Where Come on.
Are we good? I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm fine.
You can't hurt me.
I'm impervious to whatever it is you're doing.
Oh, god.
What? Are you losing another Twitter war with a 9-year-old? No, I'm done with that asshole.
No, this is about that Danny ruckler meeting I have today.
I'm dreading it, man.
That guy makes crap movies.
I mean, what did he make? "Lunchlady," "Slaps McCrackin'.
" I mean, why am I doing this? Is this the kind of film I'm aspiring to be in? I mean you're not doing this to get an Oscar.
You're doing it to get health insurance.
And you need health insurance.
No, I-I get it.
I know who I am.
I'm a 48-year-old man who works out of his garage who has to reach out to some talentless douche bag he went to college with so he can throw me a bone.
I get it.
This is this is the life I made for myself.
Don't beat yourself up.
There's no scenario in which your life wouldn't be completely miserable.
That's not true.
You're doing what you love.
You've got cred.
Not to mention this booming side business selling shitty buttons.
Why don't you look at this movie thing for what it is? It's an acting job.
Danny ruckler's a hack, man! Don't let your jealousy ruin this for you.
You got to watch that.
You got a self-destructive streak.
Oh, don't worry.
I'm fully destructive.
Hey, I'm not paying for these buttons.
Suck my dick! Did that just happen? I think we should go.
That's my cue to go.
Hey, why don't you put your face on one of these cheap water bottles? You know, the kind that give you cancer? Okay.
That's very funny.
People will remember you.
Yeah, keep talking.
You're the you're the guy who gave them cancer! You know, I've never really been very good at compromise.
It's not that I-I had a vision of what I should or shouldn't be.
It's just that I-I never liked being told what to do.
And I never liked doing things that I didn't want to do.
In other words, I'm a child.
I am a child.
And that's why I'm speaking to you from my garage right now.
I mean, think about it.
You know what? I'll think about it.
If I just learned how to compromise earlier on, I may be I-I might have been in a different place in my life.
But I think my fear is that if I did do that, on some level I'd never recover from that compromise.
This is some heavy speculation about compromise, people.
But knowing I can tell you this from experience Knowing that I never really did compromise, I can honestly say that that hasn't really worked out, either.
I mean, look at me.
I'm not feeling sorry for myself.
I'm, uh I'm babbling enthusiastically about myself.
Hey, could you spare a dollar? Yeah, man.
Just remember this, 'cause I'll probably be out here with you next year.
Hey, I'm just, uh, looking for a friend.
Hey! There he is.
Hey.
Come here.
Huh? All right.
We're doing this thing.
Yeah.
You look good.
You lost weight? Sure.
It's been, you know, a long time.
It's been too long.
Right? Too long.
I was just telling my friend that.
It's been too long.
Sit.
Sit.
There you go.
Got your keys, your phone.
Another phone.
What are you, a magician? You still got it.
Hey.
Mm.
You got a mustache now, huh? Yeah, I got tired of the whole beard.
Let's just get the awkwardness out of the way.
Your manager told me about your insurance situation, so Done.
Wow.
Cool.
Done.
Thanks, man.
I appreciate that.
I'm just glad to be in a position to help.
A middle-aged man should not be without health insurance.
- Right? - This country, huh? Hey, don't say that too loud.
You'll get kicked out of the 1%.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Uh, bottled, please.
Thank you, Kelly.
Kids change everything.
Mm.
You know who's really gone to shit since the twins were born? Who's that? The nanny.
She used to be so hot.
Now she's just tired all the time.
I can't even imagine kids.
I mean, I got I got cats.
They're obviously not blood relatives, but, uh So, how many of us are left from the old Boston crew? How many are still out here? Is it down to just me and you? Wow.
Yeah, pretty much.
I mean, Tony is married.
He's in advertising now.
Gary is off the grid entirely.
I think he legitimately disappeared.
That is not a shocker.
That's true.
So, it really is just us, huh? Yeah, it seems like everybody who thought they could be happy doing something else just packed up and left.
Ah, they were the smart ones.
Maybe.
Hey, what ever happened to that That old girlfriend of yours? She was so great.
What what was her name? Diane.
Diane from Delaware, right? Yeah.
You guys were so Close.
What ever happened to her? I-I really don't know.
I mean, I haven't even thought about her in 30 years.
I mean, I can't even imagine what she looks like now.
She seemed like a real keeper, that one.
Yeah, I loved her.
But I don't think it would have lasted.
I mean, she wanted a normal life.
I wanted to do my thing, whatever the hell that is.
That sucks.
I mean, to make it in this business, you got to sacrifice so much.
I thank god that I didn't fall in love till after I was successful.
My wife is 26.
I met her on the set of "slaps.
" "Slaps.
" She was an extra.
She's very smart.
She's a yoga instructor, nutritionalist, a massage therapist.
Whoa.
Yeah.
She does art.
She does it all.
She paints Sort of.
She paints pets, like celebrity pets, but in the style of the great masters.
Yeah.
She could do your cats like a Picasso or Leroy neiman.
Leroy neiman.
Lot of color.
Maybe boxing, skiing.
Yeah, yeah.
My cat, maybe, monkey hitting Muhammad Ali.
She could do that.
You're talking to the wrong guy about buying a painting.
But, yeah, I'll take one if you want to I'll give you one.
I'll say that I charged you for it, all right? And we'll write up a receipt as though you paid.
These prices are ridiculous.
Tyler, just get the one off the kids menu.
It's half as much.
Mom.
What? You're not gonna finish it anyway.
No.
I want the grownup steak.
You said if I got a "b" on my test, I could get whatever I want.
Marc.
Marc, stop playing with your phone.
I'm sick of fighting these battles by myself.
Look, I didn't even want to come here in the first place.
Bribing a kid to get a "b.
" I mean, is that how we're raising our children To be mediocre and corrupt, like Russian autocrats? Oh, great.
Here comes another rant.
I'll give you mediocre.
Do you even know what that means? Come on.
Don't be an asshole.
I don't want your sister doing that or what it represents ever.
I'm sorry.
Daddy said a bad word.
Great, Marc.
Awesome parenting.
Thank you.
What? I said I was sorry.
It's just this place is expensive.
Are we poor? No, sweetie.
We're fine.
Yes, we're fine.
We'll always be fine.
We'll just never be good.
All right.
Okay.
I'm sorry I don't kiss ass at work.
I'm sorry if I'm the only guy there that likes to be judged on the merits of his creativity.
"The merits of his creativity.
" You mean the talking-cat campaign? Yes.
The talking-cat campaign.
All right? I sold out enough.
I don't need to sell out anymore.
I like the talking cat, daddy.
Thank you, baby.
I thought it sucked.
Yeah, it did suck, all right? But sadly, it's the best work I've done at this job.
Yeah, like you ever would have made it as a stand-up.
If I'd given it a shot, you know, maybe I could have had ray Romano's career.
I'm as likeable as ray Romano.
Trust me, you're not.
When does it stop? Why do you got to keep crushing my spirit? All right? It's crushed.
I get it.
You don't think I would have been a good comedian.
You sold me on that.
That's why I married you.
You don't have to reiterate it.
Are you guys getting a divorce? I'm open to it.
Yeah, like you could be alone.
I wouldn't be alone.
Who's going with daddy? All right, fine.
I'll make new kids.
So I set her up with her own gallery on sunset.
Traitors.
What? Nothing.
Uh Do you remember that comedy troupe that we joined in college? Yeah.
Spray paint.
Oh, that was douchey, with the colored shirts and the white overalls.
And we'd end each scene with Spray paint! Spray paint! You remember that after party? Hey, hey, hey.
If this is about the gay thing, I was drunk, and nothing happened, pal.
Yeah, you can remember it however you want, but you and Leo were real handsy.
No, dude.
Not in a million years.
Let's have kids.
Honey, you can't even keep a plant alive.
Oh, believe me, if we had a kid, I'd remember to water it.
You know what? It's that kind of wit that made me turn you.
Oh, don't flatter yourself.
You didn't turn me.
I was just in denial.
I think that's why I was so angry when I was younger.
You are still angry.
But I think you hide it a little better.
A kid would be so much fun.
Are you kidding? I mean, you can't even stop thinking about yourself for five minutes.
How are you gonna take care of a child if you're still a child? It would bring us closer together.
And you think that's a good reason to have a kid? It's a reason.
It's selfish.
We've got to do something to change things up.
I just think you're too complacent.
You know what? You should go to the gym.
Why? Do I look fat? Am I unattractive to you now? You look great.
I'm just tired of hearing you talk about going to the gym, and then you don't go to the gym.
All right, I know.
I know.
You're the only gay man I know that doesn't enjoy going to the gym.
I get it, Leo.
The only reason that you even want to have a kid is 'cause you're bored.
And that's my fault.
I mean, I think that my success has made you too comfortable.
I think that it's robbed you of your creative drive.
You know what? You should go back to your one-man show.
Oh, which one? The one about your mother's eating disorder That was brilliant.
Yeah.
But I couldn't perform it until she died, or I'd never hear the end of it.
True.
You know I still love you, right? Yeah, I know.
I love you, too.
Remember back in the day, we couldn't keep our hands off each other.
I know.
You want to go blow me in the men's room? Get me out of here! Get him out of there! What? Oh, nothing.
Nothing repressed.
Okay.
So, what do you think? About what? About the role Bobo The Hobo.
It's a real scene stealer.
You're always trying to stow away on bobcat goldthwait's garbage truck.
And why is Bobo trying to do that? He thinks it's a spaceship.
Hilarious.
I-I think you're using that word wrong.
You would kill.
And you'd expose yourself to a bigger audience, make a little bank.
When the movie comes out, we could even plug it on your podcast.
What do you need the podcast for? You're gonna have commercials all over the place.
Every platform counts these days.
Yeah, well, I don't know how to say this without sounding like a dick, but, uh I think you're already sounding like a dick.
All right, well, look.
It's just my podcast It's specific.
You know, I'm careful about what I put on there.
You know, it's got integrity to it, and I just don't want Man, don't give me that integrity bullshit.
Funny is funny, right? Yeah.
No.
Based on perception.
You know what? This is typical Maron.
What does that even mean, "typical Maron"? Personally, I don't give a rat's ass about your podcast or the 10 people that listen to it, but it drives me crazy when you give someone an opportunity to break out in a major feature film and you can't even show any gratitude.
You're just gonna piss it away, right? Yeah.
Okay, yeah.
So Bobo The Hobo's a breakout opportunity for me.
You know why you never made it? Why? You're afraid to try.
Yeah? You hide behind this integrity bullshit 'cause it makes you feel good about not being successful.
But admit it.
You're afraid of trying.
No, I'm not gonna admit that, Danny, 'cause it's crap.
Just 'cause I wasn't lucky enough to direct shitty big-budget movies doesn't mean I didn't try.
I've been letting this business beat the crap out of me for 25 years.
Believe me! I wish I had the balls not to try.
All right, buddy.
Take a break.
Thanks, man.
Two porterhouse steaks, a seared ahi on Greens.
The guy wanted to know if he could sub asparagus with potatoes.
Oh, of course he can, if he goes to another restaurant.
I mean, look at this, Kelly.
It's beautiful.
I put a lot of thought into these dishes.
I'm not just some mommy pouring ketchup on noodles.
Yeah, you're a real artist.
Yes, I am.
We all are.
Can you just do it so I can get a decent tip? You know, some day, Kelly, you're gonna sleep with me, and all this sexual tension will be behind us.
Yeah.
It'll be worth it, though.
Yeah.
Won't it? 'Cause afterwards, it'll be awkward, so I'll have to quit and actually pursue my dreams.
Oh, don't fall into that trap.
Best thing I ever did was quit show business.
No more disappointment.
No more compromise.
Now if I fail, it's completely on my terms.
That's a really beautiful sentiment.
Isn't it? You know, there's a couple of guys having sex in the bathroom.
Again? What are we, a hot spot on grindr? I'll deal with it.
Tonight's our night, Kelly.
Mm-hmm.
Am I right? No.
So that's a no? Yeah.
Hey, you reached out to me.
Do you want health insurance or not? Not enough to kiss your ass.
Hey.
Hey, come on.
Let's not end it this way, huh? End what? Just 'cause we were friends decades ago doesn't mean we have to act like we like each other.
That's bullshit.
And you know what? We used to keep each other going.
Now, don't don't hate me because I'm successful.
Oh, my god.
I don't hate you because you're successful.
I hate you because you say things like that.
Come on.
Let me help you.
Don't let your ego get in the way.
Look, man, I-I'm not knocking what you do, all right? You bring a lot of joy to a lot of people.
I do.
Okay.
I'm just not comfortable playing a fool.
Well, fine.
Fine.
Make the part your own.
How do you see it? How do I see it? Yeah.
If you were given free rein, how would you play it? Can't you see it, man? There is a "they," and they're trying to control us.
They already do control us.
We are just the pain puppets of the 1%.
I mean, it goes from From Wall Street to Madison Ave.
To 1600 Penn.
, right up our collective a Shut up! Right up our collective asses.
I mean, come on.
We're all living the lie that the media-industrial complex creates to support the plans of the military-industrial complex.
How clear does it have to be? Wake up, sheeple.
All right.
All right, yeah.
Maybe I can play this guy and and give him sort of a weird dignity.
Yes, you can! Right? Yeah.
Yeah, I can do it.
Right? Yeah.
I mean, I don't have to self-destruct all the time.
Right.
I'm gonna have my people call your people, and we'll make this happen.
All right? Maybe there's some hope for you after all, Maron.
Maybe.
We're gonna do this.
Maybe! I'm gonna do you proud, bro.
I don't know what day it is! I don't know what day it is! I don't know what day it is! Aah! Aah! Whoo! Let's go to space! Whoo! And cut! Print! Check the chip.
I'm gonna get CGI.
The garbage truck's gonna up in outer space.
Fantastic, Marc.
Great.
Thank you.
Great job.
Thank you, Danny.
Thank you.
Thank you, really.
Moving on.
All right.
Next.
I got to be honest.
I had a great time playing Bobo.
I'm glad.
Really.
Literally.
In my entire career, I've never been recognized on the street.
But now people shout, "hey, what day is it?!" I'm like, "I don't know what day it is!" I don't know what day it is! Exactly.
I'm glad.
And you had a good time doing it, right? I never get tired of saying it, and I had a good time doing it.
Yeah, you know, "Garbage Man" might not be high art, but, uh, it's funny, and, uh Yeah, and funny.
It's Touching.
It's like you said.
Funny is funny.
That's it.
No apologies necessary.
Yeah.
You know, I got to say, even though my movies make a lot of money, I've always had this nagging insecurity that no one really respected my stuff.
But for some reason Maybe 'cause you're in it or maybe 'cause this one's a little smarter, I don't know, but, uh This one seems to resonate.
You know, even the hip, indie crowd that loves you are giving me props for this one.
It's it's nice.
Really? I mean, and that stuff's important to you? It's hard to say, but, uh Yeah, it is.
Well, that's good, man.
A-a-and I got to be honest with you.
It's hard to say this, but I have always felt like you were immensely talented.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Sure, man.
You know, at some point, you may think you know what other people are thinking or assume that they are thinking the worst about you.
But I'd be willing to bet that most of the time, because most of the time, people are thinking about themselves.
And the sooner you accept that, the less likely you are to put yourself in a position that will make you uncomfortable.
That makes sense, doesn't it? I mean, insecurity is what drives us into situations that only add to the pile of shit that we're eventually gonna have to dig ourselves out of once we find ourselves, like a wife you don't like or a gay lover you're not attracted to or a or a garbage truck you think is a space ship.
Mostly just a garbage truck you think is a space ship.
Yeah, that one.
Mostly that.
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