Master of None (2015) s01e09 Episode Script

1 [romantic music.]
[man and woman singing in French.]
[Dev.]
Hey.
-Hey.
-Can you keep it down? Some people are trying to sleep.
Sorry.
I have to go to work.
Why do you have to go to work so early? Can't you quit and just start working at Boning Industries? What's Boning Industries? It's a company I started where we just bone all day.
Ooh.
Oh, can you tuck me in before you leave? -Yeah, hold on.
-Thank you.
-I'll tuck you in.
-Thank you.
Ah! No! That's not a good tuck.
[upbeat music.]
Hey, what are you doing? Wait, what? -You squeeze it from the top? -Yeah.
You got to squeeze from the bottom.
That's so wasteful.
No, I just squeeze from the top, and then when it doesn't come out anymore, I throw it away.
You got to squeeze from the bottom.
See, like this.
[laughter.]
Can I give you a massage? Yeah.
That'd be actually really nice.
Great.
I give the best massages.
-You ready? -Mm-hmm.
[laughing.]
Ow! Ow, ow, ow! One, two, three.
Say, "Stuck in the fireplace.
" Stuck in the fireplace! [grunting.]
-Oh, that's good.
-Yeah? -Oh, that's the right spot.
-You like that? -Hi! -[laughs.]
All right, thank you.
Mm! [laughing.]
Oh, oh, God.
Oh! -All right.
-Whew.
That's the last box.
I am officially moved in.
You are, but, um, I kind of changed my mind, and I think you should leave, so can you pack your shit up and get out of here? Oh.
Yeah, it happens.
Well, good thing I'm already packed.
It'll make this easy.
Great.
All right, see you later.
I guess you don't want that housewarming present that I got you.
What present? I love presents.
Can I have it, please? Can you move back in? Please, please? -Okay, sure, yeah.
-Yeah! Ready? Ta-da! A pasta maker? I love it! Yeah, you love eating pasta so much, I thought you might enjoy making it, too.
I've always wanted to learn how to make fresh pasta, but I've been too lazy, thank you.
[sighs.]
Sorry about all the clothes on the floor.
That's all right.
Don't worry about it.
Hey, my conference call got pushed.
I got a little extra time.
You want to go get breakfast? Um yeah.
Or we could just bone.
Ah! [both moaning.]
Hey, quick question.
Do you want to fuck me on that chair? Um, quick answer.
Yes, I do.
-Does that feel good? -Yeah.
Oh, God.
[sighs.]
That was insane.
[both exhale.]
What if whenever I came, I was like this? [gasps and grunts.]
[laughs.]
That's all I did.
That's how cool guys fuck.
They're just like [grunting.]
[sighs.]
[laughs.]
Um, what if, when I came, I was like-- I was like, [in a high-pitched voice.]
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh [softly.]
yeah Oh, no, please.
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh [softly.]
yeah [laughing.]
God, no, no, no.
-Oh, yeah.
-No, stop.
Stop fucking me.
Hey, Rachel.
You know we have hardwood floors? I just got a glimpse through all your clothes down here.
[sighs.]
Okay, I'll clean it up later.
It's all right.
I'm usually the clean person in a relationship, anyway.
Um are you implying that I'm the dirty one in this relationship? I mean, if we got to pick, clearly, I'm the clean boo.
You're the dirty boo.
Oh, okay, well, clean boo, you left all the glasses and spilled Campari on the kitchen counter.
Is that a new clean boo move I don't understand? That's in the kitchen.
Things spill every now and then.
I'll clean it up later.
I'm just saying, I feel like you should be respectful of my place if you're gonna live here, you know, and be clean.
Your place? Hey, come on.
I'm living in your place? I'm sorry, I didn't know that I was staying in your place.
I thought this was our apartment.
I thought I was living here and we were living here together.
No, no, no, you know what I meant.
You know what I meant.
Come on.
-No, I don't know what you meant.
-Don't do that.
Why don't you explain what you meant? I'm-- I meant we're a team, and we're in this together, and we're a clean team.
Okay, don't try and save yourself with those bullshit phrases.
You think that I'm living in your place.
-No-- -Fine, you know what? I'll clean up the floor.
-Great.
You know what? -Come on.
I'll be your maid.
[in a foreign accent.]
Oh, excuse me? Room service.
Oh, sorry, sir.
You're here.
I heard you want the floor clean.
What? All right, whatever accent you were just doing, it's very offensive, so you're a racist boo and a dirty boo.
Oh, my God.
There.
Fine.
Floor is clean.
What are you even gonna do there anyway, huh? I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna hold a plank pose-- ah-- for 30 seconds.
[panting.]
Sorry.
Ah.
Which-- Which-- Let's move together, like-- -Okay.
-Okay.
Okay, okay, there.
Do you want to go to the chair? [sighs.]
I don't know.
I'm kind of tired.
You should just finish.
Well, I don't want to finish if you're not gonna finish.
Okay, well, you don't have to finish.
Well, neither of us finish? That just seems sad.
Okay, then just finish.
No, it's okay.
I'm kind of tired, too.
All right.
[groans.]
[sighs.]
[bells jingling.]
Hey, so I picked us up a little treat at Babeland yesterday.
Ooh, Babeland? Early Christmas present.
-Intrigued? -Why, yes.
Get ready for The Liberator.
What is this? Is it a pillow? No, it's a firm wedge so we can get different angles.
Check it out.
You get the wedge up in here, and then you can hit these different kind of angles.
You see? Don't they look like they're having a blast? [laughing.]
Wait, why do we need this? The guy at the store said it was their best-selling thing.
Why are you making fun of it? It's just a pillow.
We have, like, eight of these.
No, no, it's not a pillow.
It's a firm wedge.
Okay, stop saying "firm wedge.
" Fine, I'll throw it in the fucking trash.
Wait, wait, calm down.
What's going on? Are you trying to spice things up? Yeah, I'm trying to spice things up.
Because we used to have, like, crazy, amazing sex all the time.
You know? And now I feel like it's pretty routine.
It's like a little bit of this and then a little bit of this and then a little bit of this, and then we're done.
Okay, first of all, ouch, and second of all, who says that going in at a different angle is gonna solve anything? All right, the guy said this was their best-selling thing by far, okay? I'm just trying to improve our sex lives.
Okay, well, here's an idea.
How about you stop rubbing your eye every time you shove your junk in me? -What? -Yeah, you're always like It's distracting.
Okay, well, sometimes my contacts get dried, okay? Well, take them out.
No, because then it would be like I'm fucking someone blurry.
[sighs.]
Okay, why don't we just go return it and go pick something out together? No, I can't return The Liberator.
Babeland has a very strict return policy for obvious reasons.
[sighs.]
It's fine.
I'll just use it for lumbar support when I'm watching TV.
Wait, what? Great.
Well, now I'm liberated from back pain.
Ooh, nice bumps.
What? That's your butt.
Bumps is what I called my butt when I was a little boo.
Oh, well, thanks.
You have nice bumps, too.
Thank you.
I'm quite proud of my bumps.
I have an idea.
We should name our other body parts.
Why have we never done this before? What would your penis be called? Um -Charlemagne.
-Wait, Charlemagne? Yeah, he's dignified.
Okay, I see that.
What's her name? Beatrice.
Beatrice and Charlemagne? All right, I like that.
Hmm.
Hey, I have an idea.
How about we play a game to keep the room clean? If you catch any of my clothes on the floor or on the chair, I have to have, uh, an intimate conversation with Beatrice.
And if I catch any of your clothes on the floor or on the chair, you have to have an intimate little chat with Charlemagne.
Hmm, that's a fun game.
I'm in.
All right.
Boom.
[imitates explosion.]
Whoa! Look at this clean floor! It was a really good idea.
Ah! [laughs.]
[Rachel.]
All right, sounds good.
See you then.
Bye.
Hey, can we go get dinner with my friend Megan tomorrow? She's moving to Thailand for three months, and I want to say goodbye.
Sure.
-What's she doing in Thailand? -I don't know.
She just wanted to live abroad for a little while.
It's pretty cool.
Nice.
Busted.
All right, come on.
That's Lupe, the housekeeper.
She folded them up.
That doesn't count.
I don't know, man.
Rules are rules.
I think you got to go down on Lupe.
No, that's not fair.
You know what's weird is that you would theoretically rather have a clean floor than me blow you, because if I just made a mess every day, I would have to go down on you all the time.
No, you don't understand.
Having a clean apartment, whew, that's like getting a tiny blow job anytime you see a clean area.
It's like, ooh, ah, ooh, ay, ooh.
Okay, well, somebody has to pay for those clothes and I think it's you.
All right.
Text Lupe I'll go down on her.
Hi.
Dude, what are you doing? Just making sure everything's going all right.
You can't make silly faces.
Sorry, I just wanted to make sure I was doing a good job.
-You're doing great.
-Can I get a juice break? [sighs.]
Stop.
All right, back to work.
Shut up! I'm going back in! Here we go! -Whoa! -[laughs.]
Okay, well, have a good trip, and just text me when you guys land, okay? All right, bye, Ma.
Love you.
Hey.
Can I ask you something? Yeah.
What do your parents know about me? Huh? I just noticed on your phone conversations with them, you never talk about me, but I talk about you with my mom all the time, so what do they know about me? I guess I don't talk about us much.
So they know I live with you? No.
But they know you have a girlfriend, right? Not really.
Not really? It's a cultural thing, okay? We just don't talk about that kind of stuff.
Dev, we've been dating for almost a year! You're such a big part of my life.
My parents know everything about you.
My mom DVRs TV shows, so she can fast-forward through them to watch your commercials.
How do they not know about me? Well, what do you want me to do? Do you want me to call them right now? No, it's fine.
If it's awkward, I don't want to make you do anything that you don't want to do.
But it just makes me feel like you're ashamed of me or something.
Look, it's different, okay? If you're a white person and you're dating somebody, you just call your parents and tell them, "Hey, I'm dating this person," and they're like, "Oh, great.
Let me invite him over and feed him, like, chicken and dumplings.
" [scoffs.]
Okay.
Hey, come on.
What? That's like the kind of tone people use when they've decided they're gonna murder the other person.
That's not nice.
That's like when someone's like, "Okay, no more arguing.
I'll just chop their head off when they're asleep.
" Rachel, don't chop my head off.
[Dev.]
Hey, boo, come here! Come have some of this fresh juice! Damn, that's not a lot of juice for all that squeezing I did.
-Hey.
-Come here.
Look at this.
Fresh grapefruit juice.
Oh, I'm glad you like your juicer.
You think you're ever gonna use that pasta maker I got you? I want to use the pasta maker, but making fresh pasta is a little intimidating.
I might just be better at eating pasta.
So I had an interesting meeting at work yesterday.
There might be a big position opening up.
Nice.
Yeah, and if I got it, I would be the head of the big team running Reply All and some other bands.
The only thing is, is I would have to go to Chicago for, like, six months.
Six months? Wow, that's a long time.
Would you come back on weekends? Yeah, I-I can come back on some weekends.
But it's a great opportunity, and I can make connections I can use with some of the cooler bands I've always wanted to work with.
Yeah, I get it.
You get it, but it doesn't seem like you support it.
I support it.
That doesn't sound very convincing.
I support it! You don't have to be an asshole about it.
Hey, I'm not being an asshole.
It's just, six months is a long time to just come back on some weekends.
I mean, what, now we're one of these couples that just FaceTimes each other all the time? Look, I haven't actually taken the position yet.
They just asked if I could fly in to interview.
Can I just do that? Yeah, do whatever you want.
What? It's just, I feel like you always say, "Like, oh, well, I do this, and then I get to work with the bands I'm really passionate about," and it doesn't work that way, you know? And now you're talking about moving all the way to Chicago for six months to work with these bands that I know you don't really care about.
But sometimes you have to pay your dues to do the things that you want to do.
You do commercials.
How artistically fulfilling is that? Oh, now you're shitting on me because I do commercials? Uh, I do commercials for, like, three days on a shoot in New York.
I don't move to Chicago for six months to shoot a fucking Fruit by the Foot commercial.
If I did that, I would question my time management skills.
Wait, so you think that I'm mismanaging my time? No, I'm just saying, are you sure you want to move all the way to Chicago? No, I'm not sure I want to move all the way to Chicago! Why are you yelling? Because you're right, but you're being really insensitive about it.
-God.
Well-- -[sighs.]
Okay, maybe I shouldn't be doing any of this, but what am I supposed to do? I'm 30 years old.
I can't just start over.
I've been doing this for too long.
All I'm saying is to just sit for a beat and make sure this is something you want to do.
What, I'm just gonna sit for a beat? What, am I gonna be 50? Or if I just sit around, hanging around, doing the same shit, working with the same bands that nobody likes? And I hate their music, and I hate my job, and, what, and I fucking hate my life? No, hey, come here.
I'm not saying any of that.
Jeez, come on.
Hey.
Come on.
You want me to call Princeton Jay from Reply All and have him sing a song to make you feel better? Don't be fucking silly.
This is serious.
[sighs.]
All right, I'm sorry.
I'm just gonna do the interview and see what they say.
I have to go to work and work on some more dumb shit that I don't care about, apparently.
Hey.
Rachel.
[soft rock music.]
[groans.]
[romantic big band music.]
I did it! Hello? Hey! How was Chicago? It was good.
It smells really good in here.
Yes, close your eyes.
Sit on the couch.
All right, open them.
Surprise! I made us spaghetti carbonara.
I used the pasta maker.
I even made a veg version for you.
You made this? Yeah.
Take a bite.
Mmm, this is so good.
Yeah, I did good, right? Um, I really missed you.
I missed you, too.
The place is so clean.
Yeah, because you've been gone.
I missed your mess.
I can make a mess.
Yeah, there we go.
Yes.
Yes! [laughter.]
Um, how did the interview go? The interview went really, really well, but I decided not to take the position, which actually worked out for the best, because I talked to them how I was unhappy working with all the crappy bands, and they totally got it, and now they're gonna make more of an effort to position me with artists I'm really into.
-That's great.
-Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, six months would have been pretty intense.
I-- I guess I was a little scared.
Um I know we fight about, like, silly stuff, and I have been known to make silly faces when I'm going down on you.
But, um, I really like this.
I like this, too.
And I like this.
-Mmm, so good.
-Hey, hey, take it easy.
-So good.
-You're going crazy.
Stop.
No.
-Eh? -That looks nice.
-Yeah, this is better.
-Yeah.
[knock at door.]
Ooh, that's them.
-Hello.
-Hey.
-How are you? -Good, good.
Come on in.
How are you? What's up, man? It's so dirty in the stairway.
You need to move to a nicer building.
It's old.
Maybe you should find a cleaner place.
Yeah.
You know, because most of the buildings in New York are nice and cheap, so I'll just pop into one of those instead of this one that I chose for no reason.
I still don't believe that you've been living with this girl for a whole year and didn't tell us.
Yeah, but I don't know, it's-- I thought it might be weird because you guys are from a different culture and everything.
Different culture? Po-da! We've been living here for 40 years.
It is like that movie.
What's the one? The Ben Stiller movie where he meets the parents? It's called Meet the Parents.
Meet the Parents! Stop it, Ramesh.
I like that movie.
It's funny.
Just tea? Any Indian sweets? Some laddus? No, we don't have any Indian sweets.
We have some cheeses.
Cheese? I don't like cheese.
Any popadam? Popadam is Indian chips.
Rachel, we brought you a small gift.
Thank you so much.
You didn't have to do that.
I hope you like it.
Wow, I love it.
Oh, my God, thank you.
It's so nice.
And it's real nice meeting you.
It's nice meeting you.
Wonderful.
Let me take a picture of this moment.
Okay, guys.
Sit together.
Hey, tuck your tummy, man.
What? Okay.
Smile.
One, two, three.
[camera shutter clicks.]
All right, night-night.
Night.
[sighs.]
[Dev.]
I can't sleep, boo.
[Rachel.]
Aw.
[Dev.]
Can you tell me a story? Mm Once upon a time, there was a little boo named Dev, and he couldn't sleep, and he kept the lovely Princess Rachel awake, and she went crazy, and she beat his bumps.
Hey.
That story doesn't have a good ending.
It's too sad.
You tell me a story.
Okay.
Um once upon a time, there was this little boo named Dev, and one day, he met this beautiful princess named Rachel, and she had the nicest bumps ever, and she was really cool and funny.
And she was standing at this jukebox, and little Dev went over and said, "Hey, were you playing the Buzzcocks?" And she was like, "Oh, yeah, that was me," and he was like, "Oh, I love the Buzzcocks.
" And they started talking and dancing, and eventually, they went home together, and Charlemagne met Beatrice.
But that night, Charlemagne was so powerful, he broke through his protective shield, and they had to go get the magic potion called a Plan B pill, and it was kind of weird.
And they thought they were never gonna see each other ever again.
But then they ran into each other at a concert, and they were drinking and dancing and having fun, and then Dev was like, "Ooh, I'm gonna kiss her.
" But Princess Rachel was dating some evil prince that lived in some kingdom called Seattle, so she couldn't do it.
But then one day, they took a trip to Nashville together, and they had so much fun.
It was the greatest trip ever.
And eventually, they moved into the same castle together.
And every now and then, they fought about silly stuff, and sometimes they fought about more serious stuff.
But in the end, they figured it out because they love each other very much and they really love the kingdom they built together.
The end.
Did they live happily ever after? I don't know about ever after, but they're pretty happy now.
[upbeat music.]