Melissa & Joey s01e09 Episode Script

Melissa and Joey is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Good morning.
- Good morning, Joe.
- Good morning.
Something smells really good in here and I didn't cook it.
What the heck is going on? Aunt Mel made breakfast.
And when you threw all that out you ordered in from a restaurant? - You're not kidding.
- Cinnamon rolls.
It's true.
From scratch? If "scratch" means by dawn's early light, Then y, my shiny-headed domestic friend.
They're good.
And they're real.
So, Joe, how's it feel not to be top chef anymore? It's not really a competition, Ryder.
It's just Psst, Burke.
"From refrigerator to table in just minutes.
" I just used that for the picture You know, the way an artist uses a nude model.
Damn you, what do you want? - Dolby sound system in the s.
U.
V.
- Fine.
- 10 speakers.
- Six.
- Eight.
- Deal.
You don't really need more than eight.
I've still got it.
You're absolutely right.
Your aunt has finally topped me.
The only thing left for me to do now is just listen To the sweet music of defeat.
Hi, normal family.
Lennox, can I get a ride in with you today? My mom's having one of her meltdowns.
She's not throwing stuff, is she? Nah, it's the one where she goes to the supermarket in her wedding dress.
I've seen her.
Good morning, Phoebe.
Lennox, I have some news that is gonna make you love me.
I got an email from your school asking if I'd chaperone the school dance on Saturday night, And I replied, "nuh-uh, not making that rookie mistake.
" Proud of me? You can do it if you want.
But We're not going.
Nobody asked you guys, huh? It's just that the They have a word for it in french.
Les geeks.
Why do you need a date? Just go with each other.
I used to do it all the time.
And when you get to the school dance you just snake some other girl's date.
Which is wrong.
- Absolutely wrong.
- Yeah.
Cool idea.
Wanna go to the dance with me? Sure.
Wanna go to the dance with me? - Sure.
- Great.
We both have dates.
And if you even think of chaperoning, I will call child protecive services.
"Toledo needs a new youth center.
To center the youth of Toledo.
" Well, this will help voters sleep at night And while I'm talking.
Did you like it? I wrote it.
Oh, you know, let's just save this for a special occasion.
All right, let me take a stab at this in my own voice.
Youth center.
Youth center.
Youuuuuuth cen-terrrrr I need a snack.
Oh my God! "long-time Toledo councilman Arlan Tepper Accused of employing illegals as domestic help.
" They've picked up his gardener And his cleaning lady.
His house is gonna be a mess.
Hey hey, gossip won't get this speech written, missy, okay? So unless it's an item about matt damon's fetish For little blonde city councilwomen, let's focus on this.
Absolutely.
Oh, Tepper's having a press conference in an hour.
There's a picture of him crying.
He looks so sad.
You're sure that this is It's all over facebook.
Well, that never lies.
Fine, we're just gonna go with it then.
Hey Mel, we have a very serious situation here.
Okay.
Lennox and Phoebe in order to save money Bought a couple's ticket to go to the dance.
And now there's a rumor going around the school that they are a gay couple.
Oh no, oh no, she's gonna blame me.
I think it's gonna blow over.
No, these things stick.
First day of seventh grade bethany gersh threw up at lunch.
For the next six years she was known as barfany gersh.
In high school they called me stretch.
It was ironic.
Was it? Oh, you poor sweet child, how are you holding up? The gay thing.
Oh, that.
Isn't that hilarious? But won't aren't isn't everybody being cruel? Hard to tell.
It's high school.
Come on, my gay sister-friend, Let's go get tickets to lilith fair And watch a little w.
N.
B.
A.
Action.
She is really upset, Burke.
You totally called that one.
Oh my God, my niece is a fake lesbian.
We're gonna be on "Oprah.
" This is big.
No no no, you're not taking me off the speech again With another piece of gossipy Knock knock.
Joe.
Joe, you got a minute? Three.
I'm at lunch.
It's 5:00.
I eat late.
Excuse me, I'll just Gosh, your veins get so poppy when you do that.
Joe, I got a situation here.
And he's got a situation there.
Keep it in your pants, stretch.
I'll tell you what why don't I stop what I'm doing And give my undivided attention to you? How about I do that for you? There's a huge problem downtown.
A long-time councilman has just been forced to resign Because he had illegal domestic employees.
So the city attorney has demanded Requested that all city council people Submit proper documentation for all their, you know For me? Yeah, I snuck over the border to get this job.
What, do they think I spent To live like a mole-man in your basement? I know.
It's completely unfair.
Nobody's asking the mayor for his papers.
It's just plain wrong.
That's what I should've said when they called me.
That would have been very brave.
God, I admire what you almost said.
The Oven's preheated.
And listen, don't worry about it, all right? I will get you the papers.
- See? No problem.
- We need them by Friday.
That could be a problem.
Problem? What do you mean, problem? All right, And back to you.
Problem? What do you mean, problem? I'm just not exactly sure where my birth certificate might precisely be.
Where's your papers? Subpoenaed, all right? Along with every other personal and professional document in my life.
After a global financial scandal and a lovely little divorce, My life has been stuffed into a series of cardboard boxes.
It has been so much fun.
"Okay, so where are those boxes now?" she asked, close to strangling him.
One of six different places, If they're anywhere at all.
Joe, when the city attorney asks the city council people To submit documentation, that's big stuff.
What the hell am I supposed to do about it? Find them.
What else can I do? How can I help? Oh my God, I'm feeling light-headed.
Stephanie, you need to go lay down.
You have a couch at your apartment, right? I just don't like it when you guys fight.
Okay, what about where you grew up? I mean, even new jersey has a department of records.
I'm sure I can just have my office call Whatever bruce springsteen song town you were born in And they'll overnight the records.
Then you can go back to your lasagna And nannies-of-steel training.
First of all, watch what you say about jersey, okay? And secondly, I wasn't born there.
Fine.
What city? Where's the plaque that says, "on this spot the most annoying person I knowas born"? For your information, I was born in the proud city of uijeongbu.
Wee-jah-what? It's in korea, a little north of seoul.
My dad was military, and I was born in an army hospital in uijeongbu.
Okay, you were born in korea, you don't have any papers and you work for me.
Oh my God.
I have an undocumented korean nanny.
As hard as this may be for you to believe, I'm not korean.
And I have my documents, okay? I just don't have them.
Okay, let's just call your mother.
I'm sure she has some backup records.
My mom? Yeah.
The only records she has are sonny & cher, Maybe the bee gees.
Joe, this is serious, okay? Is it possible that your ex-wife has them? All right, fine.
I'll call Tiffany, See if she knows.
She said something about, you know, traveling abroad To tahiti or barbados.
Look at her, Going all around the world, and I'm stuck here in your kitchen spinning lettuce.
My job is kind of at stake here.
So could you give me a sliver of hope of something? That might be the best lasagna I've ever made.
You're not going to believe this.
You're not gonna believe this.
Get ready to not believe this.
Wow, look at you all fired up.
You're like a little me.
Hey you, you're gonna want to hear this too.
Principal lunt has decided that Phoebe and I Cannot attend Saturday's dance as a gay couple.
Ha! That was a laugh of political outrage.
Oh, I'm gonna fight this.
They have messed with the wrong lesbian.
Yeah, the straight one.
Come on, Lennox.
It's been a month with no phone calls from your principal.
Keep the streak alive.
I am fighting for my gay rights.
You don't have any gay rights Until you experiment in college.
Is this really the hill that you want to die on? Whose side are you guys on? The side that keeps me off your principal's speed-dial.
Ugh! Wow, she's so militant.
Thanks for being on my side just then.
Sure.
It's the least I could do, Sort of makes us for what happened this afternoon.
Go on.
All right, a reporter cornered me When I was at the supermarket earlier today.
Anyway, he knew that I worked for you, Knew I hadn't filed my papers a little weasely guy in a tie.
Not jerry devine.
Yeah, that sounds right.
Anyway, he comes up to me, he says, you know, "what are you covering up? Obviously you're an american.
" And I'm like, "oh really? You can tell I'm american just by looking at me? Well, guess what.
I'm from korea, pal.
How about that, you mouthy fraud?" I actually said something a bit stronger, but it had the same initials.
Okay, jerry has a column every Friday.
He's gonna tear me apart.
Why don't you just burn a flag while you're at it? I got a little hot.
What was I supposed to do? Stand there quietly and look american.
Relax, all right? There's good news too.
Tiffany gets back in the morning and she's sending over the file boxes.
The ones that contain your birth certificate And your proof of citizenship and everything that says you're legal? Absolutely.
Very likely.
Fingers crossed.
Duane, you'll have mr.
Longo's documents In your hand tomorrow without fail.
Pleasure as always, You scum-sucking leech.
Wow, you handled that without even breaking a sweat.
I need a dry blouse.
Well, our city attorney has just informed me That I am the only remaining councilperson that has yet to file papers.
You're kind of like a rebel.
Yeah, a rebel without a job.
This is getting serious.
Well, what's gonna happen if we can't find Joe's papers? Well, I'd hate to have to You know, 'cause he's And the kids really And even I I hate this.
I mean, I know Joe's the greatest, But at a certain point don't you have to I don't know if I can You can practice by fake-firing me.
Okay, I'll try.
Stephanie, this is not an easy conversation to have.
Oh my God! Thanks.
Thanks.
That was super helpful.
- Joe.
- Kitchen.
Look what just got here.
Your files! This is great.
Oh, now I don't have to Do anything else.
They're pretty disorganized though.
Who cares? We'll go through them all.
How long could it take? From the way you were talking, I was expecting a whole lot more.
Holy son of a box, does this end? Hey, aunt Mel, I'm already on my second box.
I zipped through this first one in, like, half an hour.
We'll never get through all these by tomorrow.
Look, if we all pitch in, we can totally do this.
What's the alternative? Well I'll take this pile.
That's why I love working for your aunt.
She sticks up for people.
Yep, I'm a sticker-upper.
All right, this one's done.
Burke, what are you doing? I just said that one was done.
I thought you were sliding 'em over to me so I could do 'em.
What? No, I've been sliding them over to you because I'm done with them.
That's why they have a big red check mark on them.
I thought the check meant, "hey, check this box out.
" I just did this whole pile for nothing? Oh, Lennox baby.
Come on, go to bed.
Go to bed.
I have paper cuts on my face.
I lasted longer than Ryder.
Yes, you did.
You did a good good job.
- Here it is.
- Fantastic.
I have been looking for this thing for 20 years.
This is a picture of five scrawny boys roasting marshmallows.
Yeah, me and my bunkmates from camp arrowhead, cabin 12.
Lenny shilcop right there could turn his eyelids inside out.
Those were good times.
I need to go home and give my dad a sponge bath.
He's not sick, just lazy.
So are you going to, you know I hope he takes it better than I did.
Have fun cleaning your dad.
- Joe.
- Yeah, what are we looking for again? Your proof of citizenship papers.
Yes, absolutely.
Good.
Okay.
Listen, Joe, it's This is not an easy conversation to have I got 'em! I got 'em! I found your papers.
- I'm legal.
- And you've got the cutest little footprint.
- Where did you find these? - I looked out my window And I spotted a box left out on the drivay.
Ryder, I could kiss you.
I will kiss you.
Hey hey, back up.
Okay, a hug.
All right.
Take that, reporter sc+.
Take that, city attorney weasel.
Yeah, take that down to city hall.
Yes.
Yes.
Going.
Good.
Go get ready for school, dude.
You're gonna drive on no sleep? Is that safe? We've got airbags, man.
They're like big pillows.
Hello! Hey mom, how are ya? Oh, listen, mom, great news.
You know the docents I need you to find for me? Well, you don't need to look any further 'cause we found them.
Yeah.
What? One second.
Come in.
Hey buddy, what's going on, huh? What's new in your world? Whatcha been printing lately? Nothing.
Joe, shouldn't we be going to school? Funniest thing, you know I was talking to my mom the other day And I told her it was really important that I find my citizenship document.
And guess what she found this morning in her garage next to her old 45s? Your mom has guns? Yes, she does.
But I was talking about the paper.
She found it the only copy.
And it'll be here tomorrow.
So you can imagine my surprise When you just found something that doesn't actually exist.
Yeah, what's this? Wow, look at that.
Wow, this must be one of the earlier drafts.
Seems like this one was issued by the great state of now jersey.
I have to go stop this.
Your aunt could get in serious trouble for passing fraudulent documents, dude.
I was just trying to help.
Look, I know this came from a good place, okay? And it actually means the world to me that you did this 'cause Yeah.
Go save her, all right? Well, I okay, all right.
Good morning.
Gentlemen, ladies, councilwoman Burke and the city attorney Have an announcement for all of you.
I am pleased to finally be handing over these documents To our city attorney, certifying that my domestic employee, Who is here right now strangely Hi.
Joe.
The nanny.
How you guys doing? There is of course no need for him to actually be here.
I tried to call your cell phone, but it was turned off.
- A very bad time.
- It's very important.
Yes, so is this.
That's why there's cameras here.
The kids knew how desperate I was to find my papers Okay, reduce it to three words.
Ryder, photoshop, felony.
Got it.
Burke, I got meetings.
Can we just take the pictures and go? And although these papers prove beyond a shadow of a doubt The legality of my esteemed employee, Joseph Longo, American - Where are we going with this? - Anybody's guess.
I object to singling out a few hard-working people Whose only real transgression is their lack of political clout.
Turning in these papers would be capitulating to unfairness.
You're not giving me the papers, are you? This is where you give him the papers.
I say no way in heck.
You will never get these papers.
Don't make me subpoena your bra.
I will take your questions now.
Is it true your niece is banned from the grant high school dance Because she is part of a gay couple? What? If your niece marries this girl, will you attend the wedding? This is what you wanted to ask? This is why you're all here? - Yes.
- Oh, for crying out loud.
None of you care about this whole citizenship thing? Old news.
If your niece and her wife have children, Will they be welcome in your home? Oh, this is idiotic.
All right, Lennox is not gay.
It doesn't mean we love her any less though.
Look, Burke, I'm gonna need this guy's papers.
Those aren't real The papers.
You'll have the real ones in the morning.
Tomorrow morning? You know what? I could probably make that work.
Yeah, that's fine.
Hey, I am sorry that my messy personal life Caused you so much trouble here at work.
That's okay.
You know, what really got me upset Was the thought of losing you youth votes.
Yeah, you know, for the the reelection next year.
Yeah, no, the youth vote could be very fickle.
You definitely want to hold on to that one.
Yeah, you do.
You do.
So thanks for riding to the rescue.
No, listen, it was the least I could do.
I mean, you know, it's just I know.
Okay, all right.
Well - Oh, you wanted to you want - No Okay.
- I'll see you at home.
- I'll see you at home.
- Okay.
- Here, blow it up.
So you outed me? As straight? Go away.
Your insensitive remark just cost me all of my cred at school.
I was the rebel political lesbian.
Everybody wanted to talk to me.
And now, poof I'm just another girl.
So are you going to go to the school dance tomorrow? Because Joe's gonna have to drive you.
I have a work thing.
What has happened to me today doesn't upset you? I'm not gonna lie, honey.
It's like Nothing.
I mean, I'm sorry and all, but, you know Fine.
Can you take Phoebe too? I'd be glad to, yeah.
Nicely done, Burke.
You acted like you didn't care and you forced her to calm herself down.
Yeah! That's what I did.