Men in Trees s01e09 Episode Script
The Menaissance
previously on "men in trees" I'm married,and I love my wife.
- You know patrick? He's my son.
- What?! We're still friends,right? Friends who are married and living together and dating other people.
I'm keeping an eye on you.
- Notice any difference? - You always look good to me.
- It's hard for me to trust a man with anything.
- Trust is a 2-way street.
I think I'm getting attached.
I- I know it's too soon, but I-I can't help it.
This book is so different than anything I've written before.
It'S not about finding a man.
It's about finding yourself.
I've only finished a few chapters,but - I think it could be big.
- I can't wait to read it.
It'll be a while,but I'm feeling inspired by elmo.
- Yeah,it's hard not to be.
- Hmm.
- what's this? - Panopea abrupta.
- Mm.
Fancy.
- yeah.
That's a geoduck.
It's the oldest shellfish in the world.
They can live to be 146 years old.
I just published an article on them.
- Wait, you wrote an article? - Yeah,it's for an academic journal.
- It's no big deal.
- Yeah,it's a big deal.
Congratulations, fellow writer.
Thanks.
I've always wanted to go on a cruise.
it would be so soothing to be on the open water an open bar they dump their garbage into the bay.
The fish eat it,the birds they get sick.
Every relationship in nature needs a balance.
Those ships-they just throw off the whole ecosystem.
You know, there's plenty of better ways to enjoy the water like kayaking.
Well,not everyone can kayak, my friend and by "everyone" I mean me.
I'll take you.
I grew up kayaking on this bay.
I don't know.
I have my own balance issues.
I can barely keep my mukluks planted on the gonund.
Then we'll go tomorrow night.
The water's calmer.
Come on.
Let me take you.
You won't believe how many stars there are in the sky.
Okay,it's a date.
- I-I mean, it's not a date,it's- - no,right.
It's a date.
Oh.
Okay.
okay.
Hey ho! - Hello,patrick.
- Whoa! sorry.
I need a picture for my wallet of my new stepson.
Wow,stepson.
Okay.
Cool.
Oh,did I come on too strong? I do that.
It's just,I've never been a stepmother before or a mother but now that buzz is your father - that makes me eligible, right? - Right.
Yeah.
I think I'm gonna be good at it.
I took a quiz in "parenting"' magazine-only two wrong.
Oh! I have a present for you - "chinese phrases for dummies.
" - I don't think you're a dummy.
"welcome to your interracial family.
" I marked some pages for you to help you understand our people.
- We have people? - Yeah,people.
- I love people.
Listen,I'm gonna be making some homemade dumplings tonight - mily recipe.
Buzz is off fixing up his cabin.
I only make them when he's gone because he's allergic to gluten.
hey, you got some nice hands, good for folding dough just like uncle woo.
- you wanna come? - Yeah.
- Yeah? Okay.
- Hey,you like annie? - She's my lady.
- Oh,okay.
She can come,too,then.
- Really? Thanks,mai.
Mai family's your family and your family's mai family.
Get it? Got a little joke there.
crack myself up.
Bye! breaking news,elmo.
Pull over the side of the road and make a dash to your phones.
Marin frist back in the house! - She's come back from retirement just for you.
- Did not retire.
I missed a week of shows because I was working on my book.
You call it a week.
I call it forever.
- Our first lucky caller is james from elmo terrace.
- There's an elmo terrace? Yep, if you have a tree house.
- Hi,james.
- So there's this girl that works with me over at the cannery.
- I like her,and I want her to go out with me.
- Sounds great.
- So what's the problem? - She asked me out.
- Okay.
- I said no.
- Now what do I do? - You go back and say yes.
Seriously,guys, this is the 21st century.
You should be happy that women are strong enough to take the first step because let's face it, if we didn't a lot of you would still be single.
A real man makes the moves.
I was just waiting for the right time.
How long? If you're not going to drive you've got to let the woman take the wheel.
Otherwise,you're not gonna get anywhere.
That's true.
My new stepmother just asked me out today, and if I didn't say yes I wouldn't have dumpling night to look forward to.
- Uh-huh.
Well, thank you,patrick.
- Sure.
Yeah.
Okay,so tell me,elmo, does it really upset the balance of a relationship if you let the woman take charge? step it up,gentlemen.
Chop chop.
It's not a picnic.
Let's pick up the pace.
Jane! What-jane! What are you doing here? Did someone die? - Well,someone's career almost did.
- Oh.
- But it's breathing now.
- "The new yorker"? You traveled 4,000 miles to bring me decent reading material? You better have "in touch," too.
- No,I traveled 4,000 miles because I read your first chapter.
- Oh.
Amazing.
It's your best work yet, and I'm not the only one who thinks so.
- Please refer to exhibit "A.
" - What? - I'm in "the new yorker"? - Your first chapter.
That chapter was just for you to read.
It's not even published.
- That was a first draft! - Well,your first draft is on newsstands.
Oh.
You leaked my chapter? Oh,my I I can't believe this.
I always wanted to be in "the new yorker.
" You can thank me later.
No,thank me now 'cause you,my featured writer, won't have time once we sign you with one of the nine publishers you're scheduled to meet with next week.
Nine publishers want to meet with me? I know.
I lied last year when I told you there were only five we cared about.
- We care about all nine.
- And now all nine care about me! "the menaissance" by marin frist? Catchy title,isn't it? I came up with it during my oxygen facial.
I - I don't get it.
It's the return of the real man - a movement.
Forget metrosexuals.
Think retrosexuals.
- Women want the real man, and that's what you wrote about.
- I didn't write about a movement.
Oh,god.
Jack-this whole chapter is about jack.
I didn't even change his name yet.
Honey,you're in "the new yorker.
" People are loving it.
He'll be thrilled for you.
- You think? - Yeah,I know.
That's if he ever sees it.
This is elmo.
Who here possibly reads "the new yorker"? uh,does jack really live here? - Do I know you? - Well,no.
- But we know you.
- You're jack from elmo.
- I'm cheryl.
- And merril from new york and the crhip docked over in pakuma.
- Uh,cheryl,meil - yeah,we know.
Our names rhyme.
- We just read your article.
- You,uh,read my article about geoducks? No,no.
He's so cute.
Marin frist article about you.
- She's this famous relationship coach.
- Brilliant woman.
Yeah,yeah.
I know - I know who she is.
Oh,and when we read what she wrote about you, well,we had to come and meet you.
We know you're not mr.
Chatty cathy, but we would love to buy you a drink.
Um, I'm really not interested.
Because of lynn.
- What? - Uh,well,we know.
You're wounded.
Tattoo.
Wait.
Jack.
Jack.
- Nice ass.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey,annie.
Have you seen jack? He hasn't been in yet today, and I'm closing up early because patrick has a stepmom I have to impress now.
- When will it end? - End,yeah.
Is everything okay? Kind of incredible, actually.
I got a piece in "the new yorker.
" Oh,my god.
That's huge.
Right.
Um,well, I wanted to show jack so if you see him,could you tell him I'm looking for him? Sure.
Hey, is that panopea abrupta? - Okay weird that you know that.
- Well,jack's article just came out about them in "shellfish monthly.
" Oh.
You've both just been published.
Yay! hey,could I borrow that? - My subscription just ran out.
- Oh,sure.
Oh,by the way, skip the piece on the molting lobsters.
It's a snore.
Thanks! To marin,"the menaissance" and the journey ahead.
- Put on your seat belt, lady, because it's gonna be quite the ride.
- Thank you,jane.
- This may be the biggest thing that has ever happened to me.
- Well, that's saying something.
And it is all because of you.
Find me one of these real men you're writing about, and we'll call it even.
- I can't remember the last time I had a date.
- Ahem.
I'm available.
Might have some mileage on me, but the engine's still good.
Yeah,I don't drive.
honey,honey, what do you think? Cute? - Not cute? - So cute.
- Marin frist.
- That's me.
- We love you.
We just read your article.
- Oh.
- See? People are loving it.
- Oh,I'm sorry.
We're cheryl and merril.
We know.
Our names rhyme.
- Oh,um,you found "the new yorker" here? - No,we brought it from new york to read on the boat.
- We're trapped on this alaskan singles cruise, the S.
S.
Man2sea.
- Oh.
Ironic,'cause there were no men to see.
Well,no real men.
So we took a little detour to elmo.
There are so many men here.
I think I just ovulated.
- can you sign this? - Uh sure.
- Um,I can't believe you came all this way to see me.
- Actually,we came all the way to see jack.
He was even better-looking than we thought he'd be.
- You met jack? - Yes.
- So gorgeous.
Not bad.
We got to meet the real marin frist and the real jack.
- And you were right about him- not a talker.
- Mm.
Oh,this is all happening backwards.
I need to talk to jack.
Uh,it was really nice to meet you,ladies.
Oh,but-but-but you didn't sign mine yet.
Look,watch and learn.
Put water here, then fold press,press.
- fold,press,press.
- Mm.
fold,press,press.
Fold,press,press.
I used to work at the hostess plant, twinkies assembly.
Oh.
I like you.
You remind me of me - smart,and you know how to use a curling iron.
Thank you.
You know,I always wanted to have kids with buzz.
I don't know if you noticed, but I'm very maternal.
Now you have me,mai.
Yes,but you already have another mother.
I don't like sharing.
- But my mom's my mom, and you're my mom-mai.
- Aah! mommai.
That has a good ring to it.
Mai likes it.
Hi.
Hi.
- So you heard about the article? - Yeah.
Yeah.
- I met your friends.
- They're not my friends.
I don't even know them.
Yeah, I know what that's like.
Okay,you're upset, but I swear, I did not know jane was sending out that chapter.
- I was going to change your name.
- When? When the book came out in two years or five or whenever I got lucky.
Oh,and then you'd be long gone by then,right? - You knew I was writing a book.
- Yeah,I just didn't know it was about me.
Well,it's not just about you.
- It's about men and life and elmo.
- And lynn and my tattoo.
I can't believe you.
- Wait,were you even gonna tell me? - Yeah,I was.
- When? Look,you're a writer.
You write about geoducks and I know it's different.
- I thought we were friend we were.
We are.
- No.
Friends you can trust.
You talk to them about things that matter and you know they're listening because they care not because it makes a good article.
I'm not your friend.
I'm a subject.
- Did you even read what I wrote? - I don't need to.
Please.
Just read it.
it's kinda like that thing that happens to women when they get old.
Oh,yeah,yeah.
My mom just went through the menaissance.
- That's not the menaissance, you morons.
That's menopause.
- Oh.
I don't care what it's called.
Got the ladies here.
Only care about that.
The menaissance-sounds like the sauce we dip trout in.
gentlemen,please.
It's not a condiment.
It's about the rise of the real man.
It's a movement.
We're a movement? Women want a man who takes charge- a man who has brawn and a brain.
- And a bentley, if possible.
- Mm.
- I drive a plow.
- That's nice.
- My point is,sometimes a woman wants to be treated like - jewel? - Yes,like a jewel.
- No,jewel.
Hey,uh,can someone give me a jump? - My car's back at the turnoff.
It died.
- yeah,I'd be happy to.
Marin,jack and now jewel.
- We should just pack it up and move here.
- Yeah.
Hey.
- Jewel.
- Oh,yeah? Did she come to see jack, too? What flew up your butt, missy? How could you publish my piece without my permission? - What? An hour ago you were thanking me over martinis.
- An hour ago I hadn't spoken to jack, who is really pissed, by the way.
That piece is setting the new york publishing world on fire.
Yeah,well,he set it on fire, too,literally.
- When I showed it to him, he threw it into the fire.
- Oh,the neanderthal.
He was my friend- my friend,who I was going to have a date with.
- Did you even think about how this might affect me? - Yeah,I did.
I always do.
I thought about you and your career,and that is my job.
- You used to care about your career,too,F.
Y.
I.
- There's more to life than an article in "the new yorker.
" Marin,everyone can have an unspectacular life.
- You are about to have a spectacular one.
- I don't want to be spectacular.
I want to be happy.
You know, I have plenty of clients who would have killed for this opportunity which I busted my ass to get you.
Well,maybe you should go spend time ruining their lives.
Wow.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- We wanted to say good-bye.
- Our ship is sailing in an hour.
- Thank you for everything.
- Me? I didn't do anything.
Yes,you did.
You showed us real men really do exist.
You gave us hope.
We can go back to manhattan and know we don't have to settle for some guy who wears more jewelry than we do.
- Elmo is pretty terrific, and jack - oh,don't get me started.
Can't wait for your new book.
Oh,thanks.
I can't believe you're in alaska.
Well,you know, you talked about it so much, about growing up here and i just had to come check it out.
- And you stayed? - Mm-hmm.
And you changed your hair.
You really look great,wendy.
- I go by theresa now.
- Theresa.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
I like it.
I'm just- I'm happy to see you're alive.
I didn't know what happened to you.
We used to talk every day.
I know.
I should have called you.
so is this where you sing now? No.
No,I haven't been doing much of that lately.
Okay,stop.
You can change your name, but you can't quit singing.
But,jewel, doesn't every singer secretly long to be a waitress? guess what's for dinner?! It's a ton of fun on a bun.
- Sloppy joes? - Mm-hmm.
- No way.
Oh,but I'm stuffed full of dumplings.
I'm bloated.
Yeah,I heard about dumpling night on the radio but dumplings aren't dinner.
But mai says they're like magic food- "so tiny,but make you so full.
" mai you should give her a chance, mom.
She's hen cool.
That's chinese for "very cool.
" - She taught you chinese? - Annie,too.
- She loves annie.
- Oh,come on.
Mommai's a trip.
- mommai? - Yeah, it what I call her.
Get it? You're my mom.
She's my mommai.
you don't have to buy my drinks,plow guy.
You missed your ship.
I'm not from the cruise ship.
Well, you're not from here.
I'll take that as a compliment.
And I'll try not to take that as an insult.
Okay, so you're not stupid.
and you're not shy.
Five minutes? Give me five minutes.
- Three.
- Four.
You drive a hard bargain, plow guy.
Are you cold? Sometimes to strangers I meet in bars,yeah.
I mean, would you like my jacket? Oh.
Yeah.
Okay.
Are you flirting with me? I have been flirting with you all night.
Sorry.
I'm a little out of practice.
What do you do for fun? Pilates.
A minute 55,your turn.
- Uh,I have a chainsaw.
- Uh,on you? Please don't kill me.
No,I do ice sculptures for fun.
Helps me unwind after I'm plowing all day.
Oh,wow,that is odd.
- I guess we should call it a night.
- Okay.
where-where do you live? easy,tiger.
- I can't see without those.
- Yeah,but I wanna see you.
You're beautiful.
Honey,no talking.
jane.
Jane? Patrick ni hao.
I'm just speaking the language of the people my people.
And your people are chinese? Well, I'm technically blasian - black and asian.
- Uh you're not asian.
- Yeah,but mommai is.
- Who? - Mai.
Oh,I see.
Uh,patrick, have you seen jane? I really need to talk to her.
It's not really for me to say but somebody didn't bunk here last night.
Really? Dwei.
That means "yes.
" - hey.
Where are you running off to? - Oh,I'm fine.
I'm not that kind of girl.
I don't need to cuddle after.
Still need to eat.
- How about some salmon benedict? - Uh,seriously, I'm gone already.
I'm sorry,plow guy.
I got a book deal to make and a plane to catch.
- Let me help you.
- No,no.
I love my S.
A.
D.
Machine.
Want to have lunch? Me? You-you mean me? Oh, but I brought my lunch.
Huh.
I normally don't believe in coincidence but I have mine right here.
- Can I join you? - Of-of course.
So I hear you like dumplings.
- Uh um,yeah.
- And you like mai.
She's really very nice.
I - I don't think you should be jealous of her at all.
I'm not jealous.
I'm happy.
I'm happy that he's happy.
Patrick's my baby boy.
I want him to be as happy as possible.
Okay.
Mm.
So you're saying he's happy when he's with mai? Happier than he is with me? - Chief celia, I feel a little uncomfortable with this conversation.
- Fine.
Just thought we could have a nice meal together.
hey.
Need any help? No,I'm good wendy.
I was gonna tell you.
What? That you used to tour with jewel? That you used a different name? Those are the kinds of things that you usually share with your husband.
Look,it's complicated.
It usually is with you.
I didn't talk about the past because it's pretty messed up.
I was messed up.
Okay.
What happened? I used to date a guy who was kind of a jerk.
What kind of a jerk? The kind that hits.
He beat me up.
Oh,my god.
No,no.
- How long did you guys - three years.
I know.
- Look,I never wanted to talk about any of this.
- Why? Because of the way you're looking at me right now.
Because I was ashamed.
Because I wanted to forget that it ever happened.
- You can tell me anything.
- I know it's done.
That's the point.
I came here.
I changed my name.
I changed everything.
You could've told me.
It's not like it would've changed anything between us.
But it did.
You know what? It's really crappy that you won't read my piece.
Well, the damage is done.
Just so you know, this kind of opportunity doesn't come along in my business ever.
Congratulations.
So you're just gonna shut me out? It's a lot safer that way.
You know,you want your feelings to be respected? It's a 2-way street.
What I do- writing-it's what I love.
It's my passion.
When I do it well,I can actually give people hope.
You should at least be able to respect that.
You should at least read what I wrote.
I woulda read it if you had brought it to me yourself before it was published in a magazine.
Well, that ship has sailed and taken a lot of copies with it.
By the way,I read your piece on my bracelet,the geoduck and I learned something.
You know why? 'Cause you're really good at what you do just like I'm good at what I do.
- I didn't say you're not good at what you do.
- Hold on.
You wrote,and I quote, "that even when the balance of the ecosystem is upset in time it can correct itself if it's given the chance.
" Yeah,but it's never the same again.
- So you don't want to give me that chance? - I don't wanna fight.
Neither do I.
I want to go back to what we were,what we are.
We aren't anything.
So the lasuple of months were just what? Hanging out to kill time? No, the last couple of months I actually thought that we could've had somethin - that's not fair.
- It's not supposed to be.
So if I go back to new york, if I write this book our friendship is over? Done? oh,marin.
I'm not sure what this is, - but you left it on my boat.
- Oh,my blackberry! I've been looking all over for this.
that was the kind of greeting I was hoping to get.
Hey.
What's wrong? Nothing is wrong.
No sarcastic greeting? You haven't even called me "plow guy" yet.
Something's gotta be wrong.
I thought I'd come back here and marin would be waiting for me and it would all be okay.
I haven't seen her all day.
I have a client who I thought knew what she wanted and now she's blaming me for helping her get it.
I knew this would happen.
Marin's gone soft on me.
There were signs.
I didn't read the signs.
It's my job to read the signs.
Seriously,she wrote a book about reading the signs I'm sorry.
You didn't come here to hear my work problems.
I want to hear.
No one's ever listened to me complain this long without my paying them.
you and marin, you seem close.
We are.
I don't want to talk about it anymore.
Talking helps.
You just had a fight with your friend.
She's my best friend.
Sometimes I forget that.
Thanks,plow guy.
it's sam.
Thanks,sam.
- Whoa! - Where are your boots? It's high noon.
We always dress up for westerns.
- Go get your duds, pardner.
- Oh,man,I forgot.
Mommai is taking me and annie to see jewel at the chieftain.
Sorry,cowboy, but you're not going anywhere.
You may think you have two moms now but it's friday, and I get friday.
I have always gotten friday, and friday is movie night.
- Fine.
It's movie night.
- Fine.
And by the way, you're not blasian.
You're bl-irish.
give it up for my friend jewel! I say to myself self, why are you awake again? It's 1 A.
M.
And you're standing here with the fridge door wide open and you're starinat such a sight,fluorescent light the stars are bright I might make a wish if I believed in it but as it is, I might watch tv 'cause it's nice to see people more messed up than me I say to myself as I smile at the wall let myself fall it's gonna be all right no matter what they say it's gonna be a good day, just wait and see it's gonna be okay 'cause I'm okay with me it's gotta be,it's gotta be, it's gotta be it's gonna be okay gonna be all right it's gonna be a good day, just wait just,it's gonna be okay 'cause I'm okay with me it's gonna be it's gotta be, it's gotta be okay oh,yeah,yeah,yeah,yeah, yeah,oh,yeah yeah,yeah,yeah,oh yeah,oh thank you.
Thank you,elmo.
Everybody knows there's no place warmer than alaska, and thank you so much for loaning me your waitress.
Wasn't she great? thank you.
Thank you.
What do you think about coming on tour with me again? whoo! patrick? can I help you? - where's patrick? - I'm here.
He's right here, where he's supposed to be.
He's supposed to be with his mommai tonight.
- Yeah,about that- - listen,dumpling,I've had it up to here with the "mommais.
" Patrick is with me tonight.
he doesn't need you.
He likes me more.
- Just stop fighting.
- patrick,be quiet.
Listen to your mother.
hey,we will all speak english here! You think you deserve to be his mother? - What do you even know about my patrick? - Our patrick.
Do you know why he won't mix fruit and chocolate? I could.
- Or why he can't look a reindeer in the eye? - You can't? - Or what his favorite christina aguilera song is? - Stop! Would you two just shut your crab traps? ooh.
Nice manners you taught him.
I can't live like this.
My two moms need to get along because I love you both.
- You love her? - You love me? - Yeah.
Okay.
Enjoy your movie.
- Well, don't leave all mad.
- Mad? My boy loves me.
I'll see you next tuesday.
Internet mah-jongg.
you love her? Not like I love you.
But more family means more love to go around,right? Get in there before someone else falls in love with ya.
we should have been recording that tonight because that was perfect.
Yeah.
Gotta say I haven't had that much fun in a while but I can't go on tour with you.
This doesn't have anything to do with mike,does it? - Because you can't let a guy control your life forever.
- No.
It's just me.
It's time I started singing on my own.
If you change your mind, call me.
I mean it.
The offer stands.
- Oh,bye.
- Bye.
How could you pass that up? I just wish that when you looked at yourself - you could see even a little bit of what I see in you.
- I do now.
It's taken a while.
I'm stronger because of you.
You know,I just can't be anybody's backup anymore.
- So I made you strong enough to leave me? - Yeah.
But I'm not going very far.
it's a blackberry.
I made it this morning.
And I'm getting D.
S.
L.
So you can blackberry me from new york.
I should tell you, my doggy day care legally adopted my dog and I only call my parents on holidays and I only know they're holidays 'cause dean & deluca's is closed and,well,I'm a busy lady, so I can't really promise that I can keep in touch.
Okay.
Okay.
hi.
I am so sorry.
Oh,look,honey,look, I know I pushed you into all this.
I'm pushy.
A smidge,maybe, but it makes you a great editor.
But a great friend? Not so much.
So no more pushing.
I want you to do what's gonna make you happy.
That's right.
I said it.
One e-mail,and the meetings are canceled and you can stay in this snow cone of a town.
And you and me, we'll be fine.
I'm coming with you.
if I'm not gonna go on my own journey,who will "the menaissance" by marin frist- my friend jack has taught me about balance- that it's just as important in nature as it is in yourself that when you care for someone, they can care for you back that you can trust other people to help you out and that you can trust yourself.
you don't have to say everything you feel.
I know this because I met jack the first real man I've ever known.
- You know patrick? He's my son.
- What?! We're still friends,right? Friends who are married and living together and dating other people.
I'm keeping an eye on you.
- Notice any difference? - You always look good to me.
- It's hard for me to trust a man with anything.
- Trust is a 2-way street.
I think I'm getting attached.
I- I know it's too soon, but I-I can't help it.
This book is so different than anything I've written before.
It'S not about finding a man.
It's about finding yourself.
I've only finished a few chapters,but - I think it could be big.
- I can't wait to read it.
It'll be a while,but I'm feeling inspired by elmo.
- Yeah,it's hard not to be.
- Hmm.
- what's this? - Panopea abrupta.
- Mm.
Fancy.
- yeah.
That's a geoduck.
It's the oldest shellfish in the world.
They can live to be 146 years old.
I just published an article on them.
- Wait, you wrote an article? - Yeah,it's for an academic journal.
- It's no big deal.
- Yeah,it's a big deal.
Congratulations, fellow writer.
Thanks.
I've always wanted to go on a cruise.
it would be so soothing to be on the open water an open bar they dump their garbage into the bay.
The fish eat it,the birds they get sick.
Every relationship in nature needs a balance.
Those ships-they just throw off the whole ecosystem.
You know, there's plenty of better ways to enjoy the water like kayaking.
Well,not everyone can kayak, my friend and by "everyone" I mean me.
I'll take you.
I grew up kayaking on this bay.
I don't know.
I have my own balance issues.
I can barely keep my mukluks planted on the gonund.
Then we'll go tomorrow night.
The water's calmer.
Come on.
Let me take you.
You won't believe how many stars there are in the sky.
Okay,it's a date.
- I-I mean, it's not a date,it's- - no,right.
It's a date.
Oh.
Okay.
okay.
Hey ho! - Hello,patrick.
- Whoa! sorry.
I need a picture for my wallet of my new stepson.
Wow,stepson.
Okay.
Cool.
Oh,did I come on too strong? I do that.
It's just,I've never been a stepmother before or a mother but now that buzz is your father - that makes me eligible, right? - Right.
Yeah.
I think I'm gonna be good at it.
I took a quiz in "parenting"' magazine-only two wrong.
Oh! I have a present for you - "chinese phrases for dummies.
" - I don't think you're a dummy.
"welcome to your interracial family.
" I marked some pages for you to help you understand our people.
- We have people? - Yeah,people.
- I love people.
Listen,I'm gonna be making some homemade dumplings tonight - mily recipe.
Buzz is off fixing up his cabin.
I only make them when he's gone because he's allergic to gluten.
hey, you got some nice hands, good for folding dough just like uncle woo.
- you wanna come? - Yeah.
- Yeah? Okay.
- Hey,you like annie? - She's my lady.
- Oh,okay.
She can come,too,then.
- Really? Thanks,mai.
Mai family's your family and your family's mai family.
Get it? Got a little joke there.
crack myself up.
Bye! breaking news,elmo.
Pull over the side of the road and make a dash to your phones.
Marin frist back in the house! - She's come back from retirement just for you.
- Did not retire.
I missed a week of shows because I was working on my book.
You call it a week.
I call it forever.
- Our first lucky caller is james from elmo terrace.
- There's an elmo terrace? Yep, if you have a tree house.
- Hi,james.
- So there's this girl that works with me over at the cannery.
- I like her,and I want her to go out with me.
- Sounds great.
- So what's the problem? - She asked me out.
- Okay.
- I said no.
- Now what do I do? - You go back and say yes.
Seriously,guys, this is the 21st century.
You should be happy that women are strong enough to take the first step because let's face it, if we didn't a lot of you would still be single.
A real man makes the moves.
I was just waiting for the right time.
How long? If you're not going to drive you've got to let the woman take the wheel.
Otherwise,you're not gonna get anywhere.
That's true.
My new stepmother just asked me out today, and if I didn't say yes I wouldn't have dumpling night to look forward to.
- Uh-huh.
Well, thank you,patrick.
- Sure.
Yeah.
Okay,so tell me,elmo, does it really upset the balance of a relationship if you let the woman take charge? step it up,gentlemen.
Chop chop.
It's not a picnic.
Let's pick up the pace.
Jane! What-jane! What are you doing here? Did someone die? - Well,someone's career almost did.
- Oh.
- But it's breathing now.
- "The new yorker"? You traveled 4,000 miles to bring me decent reading material? You better have "in touch," too.
- No,I traveled 4,000 miles because I read your first chapter.
- Oh.
Amazing.
It's your best work yet, and I'm not the only one who thinks so.
- Please refer to exhibit "A.
" - What? - I'm in "the new yorker"? - Your first chapter.
That chapter was just for you to read.
It's not even published.
- That was a first draft! - Well,your first draft is on newsstands.
Oh.
You leaked my chapter? Oh,my I I can't believe this.
I always wanted to be in "the new yorker.
" You can thank me later.
No,thank me now 'cause you,my featured writer, won't have time once we sign you with one of the nine publishers you're scheduled to meet with next week.
Nine publishers want to meet with me? I know.
I lied last year when I told you there were only five we cared about.
- We care about all nine.
- And now all nine care about me! "the menaissance" by marin frist? Catchy title,isn't it? I came up with it during my oxygen facial.
I - I don't get it.
It's the return of the real man - a movement.
Forget metrosexuals.
Think retrosexuals.
- Women want the real man, and that's what you wrote about.
- I didn't write about a movement.
Oh,god.
Jack-this whole chapter is about jack.
I didn't even change his name yet.
Honey,you're in "the new yorker.
" People are loving it.
He'll be thrilled for you.
- You think? - Yeah,I know.
That's if he ever sees it.
This is elmo.
Who here possibly reads "the new yorker"? uh,does jack really live here? - Do I know you? - Well,no.
- But we know you.
- You're jack from elmo.
- I'm cheryl.
- And merril from new york and the crhip docked over in pakuma.
- Uh,cheryl,meil - yeah,we know.
Our names rhyme.
- We just read your article.
- You,uh,read my article about geoducks? No,no.
He's so cute.
Marin frist article about you.
- She's this famous relationship coach.
- Brilliant woman.
Yeah,yeah.
I know - I know who she is.
Oh,and when we read what she wrote about you, well,we had to come and meet you.
We know you're not mr.
Chatty cathy, but we would love to buy you a drink.
Um, I'm really not interested.
Because of lynn.
- What? - Uh,well,we know.
You're wounded.
Tattoo.
Wait.
Jack.
Jack.
- Nice ass.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey,annie.
Have you seen jack? He hasn't been in yet today, and I'm closing up early because patrick has a stepmom I have to impress now.
- When will it end? - End,yeah.
Is everything okay? Kind of incredible, actually.
I got a piece in "the new yorker.
" Oh,my god.
That's huge.
Right.
Um,well, I wanted to show jack so if you see him,could you tell him I'm looking for him? Sure.
Hey, is that panopea abrupta? - Okay weird that you know that.
- Well,jack's article just came out about them in "shellfish monthly.
" Oh.
You've both just been published.
Yay! hey,could I borrow that? - My subscription just ran out.
- Oh,sure.
Oh,by the way, skip the piece on the molting lobsters.
It's a snore.
Thanks! To marin,"the menaissance" and the journey ahead.
- Put on your seat belt, lady, because it's gonna be quite the ride.
- Thank you,jane.
- This may be the biggest thing that has ever happened to me.
- Well, that's saying something.
And it is all because of you.
Find me one of these real men you're writing about, and we'll call it even.
- I can't remember the last time I had a date.
- Ahem.
I'm available.
Might have some mileage on me, but the engine's still good.
Yeah,I don't drive.
honey,honey, what do you think? Cute? - Not cute? - So cute.
- Marin frist.
- That's me.
- We love you.
We just read your article.
- Oh.
- See? People are loving it.
- Oh,I'm sorry.
We're cheryl and merril.
We know.
Our names rhyme.
- Oh,um,you found "the new yorker" here? - No,we brought it from new york to read on the boat.
- We're trapped on this alaskan singles cruise, the S.
S.
Man2sea.
- Oh.
Ironic,'cause there were no men to see.
Well,no real men.
So we took a little detour to elmo.
There are so many men here.
I think I just ovulated.
- can you sign this? - Uh sure.
- Um,I can't believe you came all this way to see me.
- Actually,we came all the way to see jack.
He was even better-looking than we thought he'd be.
- You met jack? - Yes.
- So gorgeous.
Not bad.
We got to meet the real marin frist and the real jack.
- And you were right about him- not a talker.
- Mm.
Oh,this is all happening backwards.
I need to talk to jack.
Uh,it was really nice to meet you,ladies.
Oh,but-but-but you didn't sign mine yet.
Look,watch and learn.
Put water here, then fold press,press.
- fold,press,press.
- Mm.
fold,press,press.
Fold,press,press.
I used to work at the hostess plant, twinkies assembly.
Oh.
I like you.
You remind me of me - smart,and you know how to use a curling iron.
Thank you.
You know,I always wanted to have kids with buzz.
I don't know if you noticed, but I'm very maternal.
Now you have me,mai.
Yes,but you already have another mother.
I don't like sharing.
- But my mom's my mom, and you're my mom-mai.
- Aah! mommai.
That has a good ring to it.
Mai likes it.
Hi.
Hi.
- So you heard about the article? - Yeah.
Yeah.
- I met your friends.
- They're not my friends.
I don't even know them.
Yeah, I know what that's like.
Okay,you're upset, but I swear, I did not know jane was sending out that chapter.
- I was going to change your name.
- When? When the book came out in two years or five or whenever I got lucky.
Oh,and then you'd be long gone by then,right? - You knew I was writing a book.
- Yeah,I just didn't know it was about me.
Well,it's not just about you.
- It's about men and life and elmo.
- And lynn and my tattoo.
I can't believe you.
- Wait,were you even gonna tell me? - Yeah,I was.
- When? Look,you're a writer.
You write about geoducks and I know it's different.
- I thought we were friend we were.
We are.
- No.
Friends you can trust.
You talk to them about things that matter and you know they're listening because they care not because it makes a good article.
I'm not your friend.
I'm a subject.
- Did you even read what I wrote? - I don't need to.
Please.
Just read it.
it's kinda like that thing that happens to women when they get old.
Oh,yeah,yeah.
My mom just went through the menaissance.
- That's not the menaissance, you morons.
That's menopause.
- Oh.
I don't care what it's called.
Got the ladies here.
Only care about that.
The menaissance-sounds like the sauce we dip trout in.
gentlemen,please.
It's not a condiment.
It's about the rise of the real man.
It's a movement.
We're a movement? Women want a man who takes charge- a man who has brawn and a brain.
- And a bentley, if possible.
- Mm.
- I drive a plow.
- That's nice.
- My point is,sometimes a woman wants to be treated like - jewel? - Yes,like a jewel.
- No,jewel.
Hey,uh,can someone give me a jump? - My car's back at the turnoff.
It died.
- yeah,I'd be happy to.
Marin,jack and now jewel.
- We should just pack it up and move here.
- Yeah.
Hey.
- Jewel.
- Oh,yeah? Did she come to see jack, too? What flew up your butt, missy? How could you publish my piece without my permission? - What? An hour ago you were thanking me over martinis.
- An hour ago I hadn't spoken to jack, who is really pissed, by the way.
That piece is setting the new york publishing world on fire.
Yeah,well,he set it on fire, too,literally.
- When I showed it to him, he threw it into the fire.
- Oh,the neanderthal.
He was my friend- my friend,who I was going to have a date with.
- Did you even think about how this might affect me? - Yeah,I did.
I always do.
I thought about you and your career,and that is my job.
- You used to care about your career,too,F.
Y.
I.
- There's more to life than an article in "the new yorker.
" Marin,everyone can have an unspectacular life.
- You are about to have a spectacular one.
- I don't want to be spectacular.
I want to be happy.
You know, I have plenty of clients who would have killed for this opportunity which I busted my ass to get you.
Well,maybe you should go spend time ruining their lives.
Wow.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- We wanted to say good-bye.
- Our ship is sailing in an hour.
- Thank you for everything.
- Me? I didn't do anything.
Yes,you did.
You showed us real men really do exist.
You gave us hope.
We can go back to manhattan and know we don't have to settle for some guy who wears more jewelry than we do.
- Elmo is pretty terrific, and jack - oh,don't get me started.
Can't wait for your new book.
Oh,thanks.
I can't believe you're in alaska.
Well,you know, you talked about it so much, about growing up here and i just had to come check it out.
- And you stayed? - Mm-hmm.
And you changed your hair.
You really look great,wendy.
- I go by theresa now.
- Theresa.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
I like it.
I'm just- I'm happy to see you're alive.
I didn't know what happened to you.
We used to talk every day.
I know.
I should have called you.
so is this where you sing now? No.
No,I haven't been doing much of that lately.
Okay,stop.
You can change your name, but you can't quit singing.
But,jewel, doesn't every singer secretly long to be a waitress? guess what's for dinner?! It's a ton of fun on a bun.
- Sloppy joes? - Mm-hmm.
- No way.
Oh,but I'm stuffed full of dumplings.
I'm bloated.
Yeah,I heard about dumpling night on the radio but dumplings aren't dinner.
But mai says they're like magic food- "so tiny,but make you so full.
" mai you should give her a chance, mom.
She's hen cool.
That's chinese for "very cool.
" - She taught you chinese? - Annie,too.
- She loves annie.
- Oh,come on.
Mommai's a trip.
- mommai? - Yeah, it what I call her.
Get it? You're my mom.
She's my mommai.
you don't have to buy my drinks,plow guy.
You missed your ship.
I'm not from the cruise ship.
Well, you're not from here.
I'll take that as a compliment.
And I'll try not to take that as an insult.
Okay, so you're not stupid.
and you're not shy.
Five minutes? Give me five minutes.
- Three.
- Four.
You drive a hard bargain, plow guy.
Are you cold? Sometimes to strangers I meet in bars,yeah.
I mean, would you like my jacket? Oh.
Yeah.
Okay.
Are you flirting with me? I have been flirting with you all night.
Sorry.
I'm a little out of practice.
What do you do for fun? Pilates.
A minute 55,your turn.
- Uh,I have a chainsaw.
- Uh,on you? Please don't kill me.
No,I do ice sculptures for fun.
Helps me unwind after I'm plowing all day.
Oh,wow,that is odd.
- I guess we should call it a night.
- Okay.
where-where do you live? easy,tiger.
- I can't see without those.
- Yeah,but I wanna see you.
You're beautiful.
Honey,no talking.
jane.
Jane? Patrick ni hao.
I'm just speaking the language of the people my people.
And your people are chinese? Well, I'm technically blasian - black and asian.
- Uh you're not asian.
- Yeah,but mommai is.
- Who? - Mai.
Oh,I see.
Uh,patrick, have you seen jane? I really need to talk to her.
It's not really for me to say but somebody didn't bunk here last night.
Really? Dwei.
That means "yes.
" - hey.
Where are you running off to? - Oh,I'm fine.
I'm not that kind of girl.
I don't need to cuddle after.
Still need to eat.
- How about some salmon benedict? - Uh,seriously, I'm gone already.
I'm sorry,plow guy.
I got a book deal to make and a plane to catch.
- Let me help you.
- No,no.
I love my S.
A.
D.
Machine.
Want to have lunch? Me? You-you mean me? Oh, but I brought my lunch.
Huh.
I normally don't believe in coincidence but I have mine right here.
- Can I join you? - Of-of course.
So I hear you like dumplings.
- Uh um,yeah.
- And you like mai.
She's really very nice.
I - I don't think you should be jealous of her at all.
I'm not jealous.
I'm happy.
I'm happy that he's happy.
Patrick's my baby boy.
I want him to be as happy as possible.
Okay.
Mm.
So you're saying he's happy when he's with mai? Happier than he is with me? - Chief celia, I feel a little uncomfortable with this conversation.
- Fine.
Just thought we could have a nice meal together.
hey.
Need any help? No,I'm good wendy.
I was gonna tell you.
What? That you used to tour with jewel? That you used a different name? Those are the kinds of things that you usually share with your husband.
Look,it's complicated.
It usually is with you.
I didn't talk about the past because it's pretty messed up.
I was messed up.
Okay.
What happened? I used to date a guy who was kind of a jerk.
What kind of a jerk? The kind that hits.
He beat me up.
Oh,my god.
No,no.
- How long did you guys - three years.
I know.
- Look,I never wanted to talk about any of this.
- Why? Because of the way you're looking at me right now.
Because I was ashamed.
Because I wanted to forget that it ever happened.
- You can tell me anything.
- I know it's done.
That's the point.
I came here.
I changed my name.
I changed everything.
You could've told me.
It's not like it would've changed anything between us.
But it did.
You know what? It's really crappy that you won't read my piece.
Well, the damage is done.
Just so you know, this kind of opportunity doesn't come along in my business ever.
Congratulations.
So you're just gonna shut me out? It's a lot safer that way.
You know,you want your feelings to be respected? It's a 2-way street.
What I do- writing-it's what I love.
It's my passion.
When I do it well,I can actually give people hope.
You should at least be able to respect that.
You should at least read what I wrote.
I woulda read it if you had brought it to me yourself before it was published in a magazine.
Well, that ship has sailed and taken a lot of copies with it.
By the way,I read your piece on my bracelet,the geoduck and I learned something.
You know why? 'Cause you're really good at what you do just like I'm good at what I do.
- I didn't say you're not good at what you do.
- Hold on.
You wrote,and I quote, "that even when the balance of the ecosystem is upset in time it can correct itself if it's given the chance.
" Yeah,but it's never the same again.
- So you don't want to give me that chance? - I don't wanna fight.
Neither do I.
I want to go back to what we were,what we are.
We aren't anything.
So the lasuple of months were just what? Hanging out to kill time? No, the last couple of months I actually thought that we could've had somethin - that's not fair.
- It's not supposed to be.
So if I go back to new york, if I write this book our friendship is over? Done? oh,marin.
I'm not sure what this is, - but you left it on my boat.
- Oh,my blackberry! I've been looking all over for this.
that was the kind of greeting I was hoping to get.
Hey.
What's wrong? Nothing is wrong.
No sarcastic greeting? You haven't even called me "plow guy" yet.
Something's gotta be wrong.
I thought I'd come back here and marin would be waiting for me and it would all be okay.
I haven't seen her all day.
I have a client who I thought knew what she wanted and now she's blaming me for helping her get it.
I knew this would happen.
Marin's gone soft on me.
There were signs.
I didn't read the signs.
It's my job to read the signs.
Seriously,she wrote a book about reading the signs I'm sorry.
You didn't come here to hear my work problems.
I want to hear.
No one's ever listened to me complain this long without my paying them.
you and marin, you seem close.
We are.
I don't want to talk about it anymore.
Talking helps.
You just had a fight with your friend.
She's my best friend.
Sometimes I forget that.
Thanks,plow guy.
it's sam.
Thanks,sam.
- Whoa! - Where are your boots? It's high noon.
We always dress up for westerns.
- Go get your duds, pardner.
- Oh,man,I forgot.
Mommai is taking me and annie to see jewel at the chieftain.
Sorry,cowboy, but you're not going anywhere.
You may think you have two moms now but it's friday, and I get friday.
I have always gotten friday, and friday is movie night.
- Fine.
It's movie night.
- Fine.
And by the way, you're not blasian.
You're bl-irish.
give it up for my friend jewel! I say to myself self, why are you awake again? It's 1 A.
M.
And you're standing here with the fridge door wide open and you're starinat such a sight,fluorescent light the stars are bright I might make a wish if I believed in it but as it is, I might watch tv 'cause it's nice to see people more messed up than me I say to myself as I smile at the wall let myself fall it's gonna be all right no matter what they say it's gonna be a good day, just wait and see it's gonna be okay 'cause I'm okay with me it's gotta be,it's gotta be, it's gotta be it's gonna be okay gonna be all right it's gonna be a good day, just wait just,it's gonna be okay 'cause I'm okay with me it's gonna be it's gotta be, it's gotta be okay oh,yeah,yeah,yeah,yeah, yeah,oh,yeah yeah,yeah,yeah,oh yeah,oh thank you.
Thank you,elmo.
Everybody knows there's no place warmer than alaska, and thank you so much for loaning me your waitress.
Wasn't she great? thank you.
Thank you.
What do you think about coming on tour with me again? whoo! patrick? can I help you? - where's patrick? - I'm here.
He's right here, where he's supposed to be.
He's supposed to be with his mommai tonight.
- Yeah,about that- - listen,dumpling,I've had it up to here with the "mommais.
" Patrick is with me tonight.
he doesn't need you.
He likes me more.
- Just stop fighting.
- patrick,be quiet.
Listen to your mother.
hey,we will all speak english here! You think you deserve to be his mother? - What do you even know about my patrick? - Our patrick.
Do you know why he won't mix fruit and chocolate? I could.
- Or why he can't look a reindeer in the eye? - You can't? - Or what his favorite christina aguilera song is? - Stop! Would you two just shut your crab traps? ooh.
Nice manners you taught him.
I can't live like this.
My two moms need to get along because I love you both.
- You love her? - You love me? - Yeah.
Okay.
Enjoy your movie.
- Well, don't leave all mad.
- Mad? My boy loves me.
I'll see you next tuesday.
Internet mah-jongg.
you love her? Not like I love you.
But more family means more love to go around,right? Get in there before someone else falls in love with ya.
we should have been recording that tonight because that was perfect.
Yeah.
Gotta say I haven't had that much fun in a while but I can't go on tour with you.
This doesn't have anything to do with mike,does it? - Because you can't let a guy control your life forever.
- No.
It's just me.
It's time I started singing on my own.
If you change your mind, call me.
I mean it.
The offer stands.
- Oh,bye.
- Bye.
How could you pass that up? I just wish that when you looked at yourself - you could see even a little bit of what I see in you.
- I do now.
It's taken a while.
I'm stronger because of you.
You know,I just can't be anybody's backup anymore.
- So I made you strong enough to leave me? - Yeah.
But I'm not going very far.
it's a blackberry.
I made it this morning.
And I'm getting D.
S.
L.
So you can blackberry me from new york.
I should tell you, my doggy day care legally adopted my dog and I only call my parents on holidays and I only know they're holidays 'cause dean & deluca's is closed and,well,I'm a busy lady, so I can't really promise that I can keep in touch.
Okay.
Okay.
hi.
I am so sorry.
Oh,look,honey,look, I know I pushed you into all this.
I'm pushy.
A smidge,maybe, but it makes you a great editor.
But a great friend? Not so much.
So no more pushing.
I want you to do what's gonna make you happy.
That's right.
I said it.
One e-mail,and the meetings are canceled and you can stay in this snow cone of a town.
And you and me, we'll be fine.
I'm coming with you.
if I'm not gonna go on my own journey,who will "the menaissance" by marin frist- my friend jack has taught me about balance- that it's just as important in nature as it is in yourself that when you care for someone, they can care for you back that you can trust other people to help you out and that you can trust yourself.
you don't have to say everything you feel.
I know this because I met jack the first real man I've ever known.